Deano's story - Libby-Jane

Well, it's been almost two years since we found out we were pregnant, and we have just celebrated my daughter's first birthday.

It had been a difficult time leading up to becoming pregnant for us, it had been a four year journey of specialists and an operation and no one really knew what was wrong - they always said it was unexplained infertility.

We always believed that, God willing, we would have a baby. I always wanted to be there at every appointment that we had as I wanted us to be united right from the begining. But the day my wife went for the test she wanted to go on her own. She had had so many disappointments already that if it was another she wanted time to get her thoughts together before coming home and telling me.

This, however, was not the case: she came into the house walked straight up to me without giving anything away and then said, "You're gonna be a daddy!" We just cried together.

We believed that if God would allow us to get pregnant then we could tell people, we didn't wait, and so we celebrated with everyone (there had been so many people praying for us): to us this was a miracle.

Then things started to change for me, I continued to go to every appointment and support my wife in any way I could but the dynamics had changed. I realised that in the 9 years that we had been married we had done everything together and it had always been Deano and Jax. Now overnight it had become Jax and Baby.

Even though bubble had not been born it didn't seem to matter. So I started to feel rejected and left out and yet I had tried so hard not to fit into the stereotype of males that don't support their wives or partners. Then I began to search for comfort because I felt I was on my own, and I turned to the bottle (vodka so it couldnt be smelt on my breath), because this numbed the pain that I was feeling inside.

And so the rejection continued and at every appointment we went to everyone continued to address my wife. It was weird because my wife never made me feel rejected, it was just everyone else out there who probably never even knew that they were doing it. Even when Libby-Jane was born, at the hospital, they put on her tag "Baby of Jacqueline", and so I quickly added, "and Dean!" When I write this down it seems so silly but I can't get away from the reality it was for me.

So the birth! This was a surreal experience for me as I had a revelation that in our now 12-year long relationship we have grown and will continue to grow in love with each other, but when Libby-Jane came out it was instant. I loved her and would have died for her there and then. So from that blessing to the next where I got to sit with her in my arms for two hours while Jax was off having stuff done.

This was a real bonding time for me and bubble and it was a healing time for all of that rejection I had felt.

We had her dedicated and have celebrated her first birthday, and we still continue to see her as our little miracle as she has been such a blessing to us both.

So that is that, I really wanted to briefly share the journey I went on when we found out we were pregnant, and if this can encourage anyone who is going through, or has gone through, anything similar then I hope it does.