Preparing for fatherhood
Congratulations -- you're pregnant! Well, your partner is,
anyway -- but it can certainly feel like you're the pregnant one,
especially in terms your suddenly massive feelings
of responsibility toward your partner and child. Becoming a
dad is not just about helping with middle-of-the-night feeds and
doing your fair share of nappy changes. It's also not just about
providing financially for your family. Fatherhood is a complex and
emotional state of being, with a set of rights and responsibilities
that are, unfortunately, a bit less clear-cut than those afforded
to mothers-to-be.
When your coworkers, friends and relatives found out you were
going to be a dad, they probably congratulated you and moved right
on into saying things like, "Your life will never be the same
again!" Bet that made you feel really positive, eh? More than
likely it scared the you-know-what out of you, even though you took
great pains to act nonchalant. Yes, having a child changes your
life -- but it's not as bad as you might fear it will be.
It's up to you how involved you want to be in your partner's
pregnancy. Most pregnant women will melt at the sight of their
husband reading a book on fatherhood or even that classic pregnancy
standby What to Expect When You're Expecting (which also
comes in a tongue-in-cheek dad-friendly version called
What to Expect When Your Wife Is Expanding).
Your partner's body is going to be going through a lot of changes,
and getting bigger is the least of them. Her hormones will morph
out of control, her moods will swing wildly, she may have morning
sickness that lasts all day, and her energy levels will fluctuate
heaps, especially in the first and third trimesters.
One of the best things you can do for your relationship is to
try to take all of this in stride. It's not her fault that she
feels like an alien has taken over her body -- that's what's
actually happening. If it's freaking you out, don't just withdraw
or get upset with her. Talk to her about how you feel. Remind her
that she isn't alone. Ask her what you can do for her, and for your
relationship.
It's also perfectly normal to be worried about how you're going
to provide for your new family, especially if your partner is going
on extended maternity leave or leaving work altogether. Finances
are often top of the list for dads-to-be, and you may feel like you
can't talk to your partner about this issue as you don't want to
add any more to her already full plate. If money is a concern to
you, talk to your partner about it. If she's already in paid
employment, she may qualify for paid parental leave for the first
few months of her maternity leave, or your family may qualify for a
tax credit. You, the dad, may also be able to take some paid
parental leave time in order to stay home and help with the baby
for the first few weeks. Talk to the IRD and your employer about
what provisions exist in terms of paid parental leave and
assistance for families. Find out if your employer offers help with
budgeting as part of their employee assistance programme, or look
at community services in your area for help with this. You may need
to rethink your finances and budget for a while, but it's not an
insurmountable problem. And remember, there are more important
things you can provide for your child than money -- your time,
attention, and love are much more important than the flashest pram
or fancy cot.
Pregnancy can be mystifying for dads-to-be as you're not the one
experiencing all of the physical changes, yet you're directly
affected by what's going on. The midwife or specialist may direct
all of their questions and comments at your partner and only
include you when it's time to hear the baby's heartbeat ("Hear
that, Dad?"). You are allowed and encouraged to ask questions of
your partner's lead maternity caregiver (LMC). This is your baby,
too, and your partner will be more than happy you want to be
involved. It will also help to build a good rapport with your
partner's LMC -- and then you won't show up at the birth feeling
like a stranger in a strange land. Get to know your partner's LMC.
After all, they're going to be seeing parts of your wife's body
that you thought only you had access to.
Antenatal classes are also a great way to get involved with the
pregnancy and imminent labour. Most antenatal classes are becoming
more and more couple-focused rather than just focusing on the needs
of the mum-to-be. Yes, you'll probably be put on the spot during
the class when the teacher asks you to approach the rather graphic
poster of the female reproductive system and point out the cervix
-- but remember, all the other dads-to-be in the class are in the
same boat. Antenatal classes are actually an excellent forum for
meeting other fathers and see how they feel about the pregnancy,
even if you just observe them rather than asking flat out. You'll
also learn heaps of practical information about birth and newborn
baby care. Check your inhibitions at the door and try to get into
the spirit of things.
One of your biggest concerns is probably how you are going to
get through the labour. You may be worried about how to be
supportive without getting screamed at for saying stupid things.
One dad-to-be we know asked his wife how she was enjoying labour so
far -- after she'd been in excruciating pain for over 24 hours and
was waiting desperately for an epidural to be administered. While
women may gasp in horror at such a seemingly obvious faux pas, it
turns out the poor guy was totally unprepared for what labour would
be like and was simply trying to make conversation. So he said the
first thing that came to his head.
When the baby is born, people don't ask how the labour was for
the father. He's usually relegated to the background, expected
make all the phone calls telling relatives the news, find
water for the flowers, and run down to the supermarket to get more
sanitary pads. Do dads appreciate this treatment? Of course not!
But that's the way society is trained to treat new fathers, so it's
up to the dads to make changes. Just remember -- this is your baby,
too. You are the only dad this baby has, so make your role count
right from the start.
Recommended reading for dads-to-be:
- The Expectant Father: Facts, Tips, and Advice for
Dads-to-Be, by Armin A Brott and Jennifer Ash
- Don't Just Stand There! How to Be Helpful, Clued-In,
Supportive, Engaged, Meaningful, and Relevant in the Delivery
Room, by Elissa Stein and Jon Lichtenstein
- The Guy's Guide to Surviving Pregnancy, Childbirth and the
First Year of Fatherhood, by Michael R Crider
- The Joy of Fatherhood: The First Twelve Months, by
Marcus Jacob Goldman, MD
- Safe Baby Handling Tips, by David and Kelly Sopp
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