What new mums want new dads to know
Becoming a parent is one
of the most life-changing experiences you and your partner will go
through together. In the haze of sleep deprivation and getting to
know your new baby, you might find you have less time to talk than
you'd like -- and you may be totally at a loss about what your new
role entails and what your partner expects from you. OHbaby!
asked our message board members to
tell us what new mums want new dads to know, and this is what
they said:
"I wish it were possible for guys to understand how
exhausting all the 'invisible' work is: pregnancy itself
(especially the first trimester when you can't see anything
external going on), and then the breastfeeding as well."
"I would like all new dads out there to know how important
positive words are, from 'You look beautiful!' to "Push, honey
-- you're doing great!' and even 'You're a great mum.' It
makes a huge difference to life, especially as a stay-at-home
mum, whether that be for two months, a year, or
forever!"
"You CANNOT, I repeat CANNOT, put garlic bread in the
microwave still wrapped in tin foil and then start the
microwave!"
"You need to wait a while after the actual birth before even
mentioning sex again!"
"The thing I seem to say the most often is 'I'm pregnant,
not disabled!' Just because a woman is pregnant doesn't mean she's
unable to walk up a flight of stairs (true story), carry a tray of
food (true story) or do any activity that takes longer than 15
minutes (true story). It's the overprotectiveness that gets to me.
Yes, I know, I'm too stubborn and independent for my own good, and
I'm sure I'm not the only woman like that. But pregnancy does not
actually equal inability to accomplish things!"
"Morning sickness is not like that time last year when you
felt a bit sick so you went outside for a walk in the fresh air and
it magically disappeared forever. Morning sickness is there no
matter what you do or do not do, and no amount of 'brisk walking'
in the heat of summer is going to make it go away. And if you don't
stop pestering me about getting some 'fresh air', I will purposely
not make it to the bathroom the next time I have to puke.
Instead, I will aim for your pile of washing that you have
left in the middle of the bedroom because you're too damn lazy to
help around the house!"
"I'm in my first trimester and I so appreciate it
when my husband does the things I'm too darn tired or
sick to do -- like cooking dinner, doing the dishes, doing the
shopping, etc, as well as being understanding that my body is
exhausted! Sometimes he even washes my hair in the bath when
I am too tired to do it but I feel gross and
dirty. Another great thing is that he doesn't make me feel bad
about asking for stuff I need. He also brings me breakfast before I
get out of bed every morning so I don't feel as sick -- that helps
heaps."
"Top of the list would be QUIT PESTERING ME FOR SEX!!! 'NO'
MEANS NO -- NOT 'YES' IN ANOTHER 10 MINUTES IF YOU ASK
AGAIN."
"Please don't tell me how tired YOU are, when I have been up
all night trying to settle a brand-new baby."
"Please don't make me feel that because YOU go out to work,
that I am at home filing my nails, and that's why I have been 'too
busy' to vaccuum/shower/do the washing/ironing/get tea
ready."
"Please keep reminding me that I am doing a good job, even
if you don't think this is entirely true. Remember, I am learning
too (and I know you are as well)."
"Eating is really important while breastfeeding, so watching
the kids while mum gets breakfast can make a huge difference to the
whole day."
"My biggest help in the early days would have been
if my husband had taken a bit of initiative rather than
waiting for me to ask for something to be done -- housework,
dinner, etc. Or just as good would be asking if there is anything
they can do to help. Oh, and having the house nice and tidy when
you get home from hospital would be great, not having
three loads of washing to put through, dishes to do and beds
to make. Not a happy new mummy that day!"
"Complaining about a sore wrist while your partner
in labour just might make her a little cross!"
"Have the car seat all ready BEFORE picking everyone up from
the hospital so you're not waiting outside while he fiddles
around with the straps. My partner actually brought the
wrong carseat to the hospital to pick up our
daughter!"
"After I had my baby, I was bedridden for two weeks,
so my husband had to do everything, but that didn't mean
if he spent 30 minutes cleaning that he could then
spend an hour playing video games... or one hour cleaning to
play two hours of video games... aarrgghh!"
"I did appreciate the company. I suffered
from postnatal depression and no one knew what to say or
do, but I had a good friend just show up to sit and talk, or to
just sit. That was huge for me!"
"My in-laws showed up with a roast one day -- heaps of
meat and veges. It was fantastic! But maybe cleaning up after it
all would have topped it off for me! It took us two hours to
clean up the mess!"
"When someone says no to sex, do not keep pestering them.
The last thing on a new mother's mind is having sex... especially
if they've been up all night and have sore, cracked nipples! Not
many ladies feel sexy after having a baby, so give us some
time."
"Help out -- with anything. Tidy up around the house, run
errands for the mum. Even ask her if she'd like a little treat
(that's not sex!), perhaps a box of chocolates or her favourite
magazine or something. Even just taking baby off her hands so she
can have 30 minutes to herself is a blessing."
"If you've finished eating and you can see your partner
trying to entertain the baby as well as feed herself, take the
initiative and take the baby so she can eat. Honestly, she will be
grateful for it!"
"Learn to change nappies! And don't get all squeamish
once the baby starts solids and the nappies really start to
stink. Dry-retching is not appealing!"
"If you are heading out, help out by opening the car door
and having the carseat ready. I know that last thing I want
to see when I have a 10kg baby in one arm and a huge baby bag
in the other is my partner sitting ready in the driver's seat
while I need help. Unfortunately, that happens all too
often!"
"Respect us if we want a little time to ourselves, because
as mothers, all we are doing is giving, giving, and giving.
Sometimes we just want a minute or two to unwind and relax,
with just ourselves as company. Don't be offended if we ask for
that."
"NEVER, I mean NEVER, compare your job to that of a
stay-at-home mum! Maybe when you've dealt with dirty nappies,
spill-ups, sore tummies, winding, crying for no apparent reason,
endless nights with little sleep, having to remember you have a
constant little companion that you have to organise before heading
out anywhere, immunisations, and all the rest, then maybe you'll
have some understanding of what we go through on a daily
basis!"
"Just help out whenever you can. Being a mum is a 24/7 job
and any little bit of help we can get is greatly
appreciated."
"Don't expect us to be happy and chirpy all the time,
even if we are happy to be pregnant! Recognise that its not as easy
as people think. Hormones are raging, you are exhausted, you have
indigestion, constipation and a sore back, so don't expect an
all-singing, all-dancing show of happiness all the
time!"
"The best thing my husband did was to bring me lots of
food for breakfast while I was giving baby her morning feed
and STARVING after feeding her all night, especially bits of food
that you can eat easily with one hand, like cut up kiwi fruit and
bananas, toast, etc."
"Right after the baby was born, I would say stick
around at the hospital. My husband rushed off to get
everything done and felt very stressed that he needed to clean the
house, change the sheets, etc. before I got home. To be
honest, I would much rather have come home to a slightly untidy
house and have him by my side for longer at the hospital."
"Just because I give you a cuddle DOES NOT mean I want
to have sex!"
"I wish my hubby had stayed with me at the hospital all
day (until they kick the men out of the ward at 8pm) both days I
was in there. Trying to get up out of bed to tend to baby took
about 20 minutes each time and was excruciating, and I needed him
there to help. He did have the house tidy for when I came
home, which might have something to do with me leaving a book
open on the page explaining how truly evil it is for men to let us
bring our new babies home to a pigsty of their own man-home-alone
making!"
"In the first couple of weeks, people texted DH to see if it
was a good time to visit me and baby. He was actually back at
work (oh yeah... TAKE LEAVE -- even if you are
self-employed, take a week or two off because the financial
cost is nothing compared to the cost to your partner of being home
alone with a brand-new baby!), but he would just check with
me and basically be the visiting-police at first.That really
helped.And he cooked dinner for those first six or so weeks --
BIG help.We wouldn't have eaten, otherwise!!"
"Spend heaps of time at the hospital with your partner/wife
and your new arrival. My partner would come every day, usually
around 10 am and stay til 1.30pm, go pick up his mum, drop her off
at work and then stay til she finished work at 11pm! And I was
in there for five days. It was really good to have him
there."
"Just because I'm resting when baby does doesn't
mean I want to have sex!"
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