Staying afloat
Do you feel exhausted, overwhelmed, stressed-out, and
frustrated? Are you sinking under the weight of your perceived
parental responsibilities and duties, and drowning in a sea of
unrealistic expectations and self-imposed guilt? Worst of all, do
you feel like you're starting to lose yourself at the same time as
you lose the plot?
"Mum! Muuuuuuum!" How many times a day do you hear that
word? When I was growing up, I clearly remember my own mother, in
an occasional fit of irritation, swearing that she had hanged her
name for the day and wasn't answering to "Mum" any more. My younger
brothers and I would get so frustrated when she did this, because
we were children and we didn't know that she had a "real name" -
and if we couldn't call her "Mum", what else could we call her to
get her attention?
When your child first starts to speak, all that you want
to hear them say is the word "Mama". Many women are quite happy to
become "Mum", "Mummy", or another of the other endless variations
of "Mother", but at some point, you may start to feel like you
don't have another name, like that single three-letter word "Mum"
is the sum total of your life. That can be pretty sobering,
especially when, before you were pregnant, you probably saw
yourself and your identity in terms of other things: your
education, your job, your hobbies, your personality traits. So when
did you become "just a mum"?
Modern mothers face a unique challenge our own mothers may
not have fully experienced. Choices are seemingly limitless, yet
the expectations placed on mothers are still not realistic enough
to make these choices any easier. "Yes, go for the highpowered
career," says society. "But when you have children, you have to be
an absolutely amazing mother. And if you want the career and the
baby, you'd better excel at both!" There's no room for compromise
or a relaxation of the rules. If you want it all, you have to do it
all, and you have to do it well. There's no such thing as a
"good-enough" mother - and if there is, it's not something that we
talk about, because we're all too busy trying to be Supermums and
stealing sideways glances at our peers, wondering if we're the only
ones thinking, "Is this really how it's supposed to be?"
Is it any wonder mothers are overwhelmed, exhausted, and stretched
beyond their limits? We're struggling to keep our heads above the
water as we sink under the weight of those unrealistic expectations
and the guilt at not being able to meet them. In order to have it
all, we sacrifice ourselves. I recently read a quote by Tenneva
Jordan: "A mother is someone who, when seeing there are only four
pieces of pie for five people, promptly announces that she never
did care for pie." Mothers, it's time to reclaim your piece of the
pie. Here's how to stay afloat in a sea of self-doubt and
overwhelming responsibilities, and to learn to value your own
identity once more.
Stop blaming yourself
Do you ever catch yourself moaning, "Oh, I'm such a bad
mum!" Maybe you snapped at your toddler a bit too harshly this
morning. Or you accidentally pinched her fingers in the car seat
buckle. Or you rushed him through a busy day, ignoring his
complaints of a sore tummy, only to watch him spew all over himself
as you were going into the bank. Or your newborn has a bad case of
nappy rash that's turned into thrush. All of these cringe-worthy
moments make mums feel bad - but, all too often, instead of putting
the event into context and looking rationally at what happened, we
are too quick to heap undeserved blame upon our own shoulders. If
you hear a friend saying, "I'm such a bad mummy!" there's no way
you'd reply, "Yes, you're terrible, and you should be ashamed of
your parenting skills." More than likely, you'd be quick to
reassure her that of course she's a good mum, and that one negative
incident does not define her parenting style. So why are you an
exception? Modern mothers face a unique challenge our own
mothers may not have fully experienced. Choices are seemingly
limitless, yet the expectations placed on mothers are still not
realistic enough to make these choices easier "I should have
known!" you cry. "Why didn't I realise what was going on?" Why,
indeed? First of all, you're not a mind-reader, as much as some
parenting manuals may tell you that you should be in touch with
your little one's thoughts and feelings.
If your toddler isn't talking yet or is talking, but not
clearly, he can't tell you what's going on, whether it's a pinched
finger or an itchy mosquito bite. All you can do is respond to what
you see and pick up on. There is absolutely nothing that you can do
about that, unless you want to stress yourself out further by
overreacting and compulsively checking your child for any little
symptom, sign or little thing that you might have missed - which
complicates the situation further, as a hyper-vigilant parent makes
for a stressed-out, high-maintenance child. On the bright side,
once you've experienced a "bad mum" moment, you're not likely to
let it happen again. If you look at your moments of mummy guilt as
learning opportunities rather than mistakes, you'll be less
inclined to get into situations where you might end up feeling
guilty and upset - and you'll be less inclined to beat yourself up
for things that you can't control.
Second of all, you're operating on a deficit of sleep,
which automatically lessens your cognitive abilities and impairs
your judgement. The more sleep you miss out on, the less able you
are to focus on everyday tasks, handle stress, and fight off
illness. Think about what happens when your baby misses out on a
nap. He gets cranky and irritable, cries at the drop of a hat, and
is unable to be easily soothed. Toddlers behave irrationally, throw
tantrums, and frustratedly bounce from activity to activity without
being able to concentrate on anything for very long. You're an
adult, yet your body is going through the same thing, inside - but
instead of throwing a tantrum, you forge on ahead, expecting
yourself to be able to function at your normal level of
organisation and rationale. When your toddler is overtired, you put
him down for a nap. But when you're overtired, you put on another
load of washing and berate yourself for not being able to get all
of the housework done in a day.
Third, your child is a human being, not a robot. This
means that free will is involved. Even your infant, who is so
dependent on you and so focused on eating, sleeping, and pooping,
has free will. You can't expect to read a manual and have
everything work out perfectly, just because you followed the
directions to the letter. Humans aren't like that, and, deep down,
you wouldn't want your child to be "textbook", because that would
be boring. Children are challenging, and part of that challenge is
born out of their unique personalities and desires. If you teach
your toddler not to play with the electrical outlets and he does so
anyway, that is not because you are a bad parent - it's because he
is curious, interested, and motivated more by his own desire to
find out what the big deal is than he is by your best efforts at
warning him away.
Ditch the negative self-talk
It's time to sternly tell that negative voice in your head
to pack up and leave. This isn't easy, especially if negative
thinking has become a habit for you. Here's a simple task to help
you focus on what's really important. Get a piece of paper and a
pen, and sit down somewhere quiet. Make a list of descriptive
adjectives or short phrases that describe how you want people to
see you. Don't spend heaps of time on it, just write down 10 or 15
words. Your list might include words like independent, friendly,
kind, interesting, funny, open-minded, accepting, no-nonsense,
committed, able to move forward, worthy, intelligent, thoughtful.
This is your Me List. Next, make another list, focusing on how you
want people to see you as a parent. This list might include words
like laidback, humorous, caring, spontaneous, involved,
responsible, fun, capable, confident, and loving. This is your Mum
List. Now take a hard look at those lists. They are probably pretty
similar - the way that you want people to see you as a person and
as a mum are likely to be highly congruent. As you're reading over
the words you've written, recognise that not only is this how you
want others to see you, it's actually how you want to see yourself.
And your everyday actions may be at odds with the ideal you've got
written down on paper. If you're addicted to guilt, blame, and
negative self-talk, you need these two lists, and you need to
internalise them. Stick them up on your bathroom mirror, keep them
in your handbag, make them into a bookmark. Whatever it takes, just
find a place where you will be able to read and reread the words
you've written until you've memorised the list enough that it
starts to sink in. These words are all characteristics of your
authentic self, one you need to start to recognise. When you hear
the negative self-talk starting - when the guilt starts to take
hold, or you find yourself accepting blame for something that was
completely out of your control, take out those lists and ask
yourself: "How is this way of thinking serving the way that I want
to be seen, and see myself? How am I being authentic by bringing
myself down with negativity and self-doubt?"
You need to change your thinking - a gradual process,
sure, but one that's highly achievable. If you're beating yourself
up because you snapped at your toddler, you're not being authentic
and seeing yourself as capable, laid-back, intelligent, and loving.
Instead, you're going to the opposite extreme and telling yourself
that you're useless, irresponsible, incapable, and unworthy.
Focusing on those positive words, that definition of your authentic
self, will help you to distinguish between what's real - how you
want to see yourself and be seen - and what's futile, ineffectual,
negative self-talk that has no value, serves no purpose, and
inhibits authentic growth and change. Maintain your identity and
self-respect.
From the moment you get pregnant, you have a new "title"
to add to your life's CV - that of Mother. It might feel like every
other role in your life has been relegated to the background as you
prepare for motherhood and the new responsibilities you'll be
taking on after your baby's birth. Everyone around you may also
focus exclusively on your imminent motherhood and for a long while
after the baby is born, their only topic of conversation will be
your precious bundle of joy and how things are going for you as a
mother. It's very easy to see how you can lose or neglect the other
aspects of your identity as you pour yourself into this exciting
new role. Every ounce of concentration is necessarily focused on
learning how to care for a baby, and how to be a parent. But over
time, the other aspects of your life can drift away without you
noticing. After a while, you might feel like you don't know who you
are any more. Reclaiming and maintaining your identity is so
important - and having self-respect is an integral part of this. In
the early days, you're often so busy learning and doing new things
that you can spend whole days in your pyjamas. When I first had my
daughter, I used to jokingly say to friends, "If I've brushed my
teeth before noon, it's a good day." I'd get up in the morning,
wear my pyjamas until my daughter's mid-morning nap, then grab a
shower and put on clean pyjamas rather than "real clothes". Looking
back, I now feel immense pity for my husband, coming home from work
to a wife in her pyjamas day after day! But having respect for
yourself means taking the time to do things that make you feel
better about yourself. If you take 20 minutes every day to get a
shower and put on clean clothes, soon it will get easier to find
the time to put on some lippy, do your hair, and swap the bedroom
slippers for shoes when you go to the letterbox. You might think
that you don't have time for yourself, but you need to find that
time. You did it before you had a child, and you can do it again.
Once you start adding simple little "extras" back into your
routine, it gets easier and easier to fit them in - and after a
while, they become second nature again. It's all about taking
things one step at a time, and being determined to give yourself
that time and respect that you deserve, especially when the track
pants are calling for you!
Take time out for yourself. Hard work is part of being a parent,
but it's equally important for you to recognise you do need
balance, and you also need to maintain the other aspects of your
identity, to seek happiness and fulfi llment from other interests,
as well as being a mother. So what does make you happy? You may
have become so focused on your child that you've simply forgotten
the old things you used to enjoy doing, or you've relegated them to
"the good old days", to be looked back upon with nostalgia but not
likely to be repeated. You may feel that by focusing on yourself,
you're being selfish, neglecting your parental responsibilities,
and acting like a bad parent. We're not saying this has to take up
as much time as being a parent. It's really about balancing your
time enough to have some time out to yourself once in a while for
your own sanity and balancing your roles as mother, wife, sister,
daughter, friend, employee, etc. You need to decide to make your
needs a priority as well as doing your best as a parent.
Seeking your own happiness and fulfillment is not a
betrayal of your child. Have you heard the phrase, "If Mama ain't
happy, ain't nobody happy?" A happy, satisfied, fulfilled parent is
a good parent, for two reasons: 1. If you're happy
and fulfilled, you'll be more relaxed, more cheerful, more
optimistic, and more able to cope with stress and pressure. A
happy, relaxed mother equals a low-key style of parenting that
teaches your child to be happy and relaxed rather than mirroring
stress, anxiety, and discontentment. 2. A happy
mother is a good role model for her children. While you're
encouraging your little ones to grow and thrive, you want to send
them positive messages about life - that it's good to believe in
yourself, to follow your dreams, and to be independent. You need to
actually live those things in order to teach them to your children.
It's not enough just to tell your children to believe in themselves
and follow their dreams. You need to do this, too. And the first
step toward self-actualisation is taking time out for yourself, to
do what we at OHbaby! call "finding me-time". Taking time out for
yourself should be something that you work into every single day,
whether it's as simple as sitting down with a magazine and a cup of
tea, or as well-planned as going on a weekend spa escape with a
girlfriend. Me-time is worth its weight in gold, because it can
have magical effects on the whole family. If you make regular
time to give yourself a break from the rigours of parenting, you'll
lessen the likelihood of a burnout and keep your stress levels
manageable manageable. You'll also be better able to put things
into perspective, so that little incidents won't get blown out of
proportion. You'll start to use your me-time rituals as ways of
coping, and look forward to that time as refreshing, rejuvenating,
and relaxing. If you make time for me-time, you will notice a
difference, and we've even got more than 100 suggestions for
finding me-time, in the mum section of the site also, to get you
started.
Children need me-time, too. It's unrealistic to expect
yourself to spend every moment by their side, looking into their
eyes and reciting vocabulary words while you change their nappies,
stimulating them and responding to their every movement. Of course
babies need attention - they can't do for themselves - but there is
such as thing as overstimulation. You need to teach your little one
to look beyond his immediate sphere and be interested in the world
around him, and you also need to give him time to process what he's
learning and rest. Being a baby is hard work. There are so many
things being learned and experienced every day that it is quite
overwhelming for them. Give them some time-out too, so that they
can have a break from the endless stimulation of the world around
them. It's okay to put your baby in his cot with some toys for some
quiet time, even if it's not naptime. The time apart will do you
both good, and will help them to see that it's okay if you go away
for a little while. They might be quite delighted to discover they
can entertain themselves, and be secure in the knowledge that yes,
you're coming back.
Ask for help
Asking for help is one of the most difficult things
for mothers to do. For some it's a matter of pride, for others it's
embarrassment that she might be seen as "not coping". The reality
is, having a baby is life-changing, and it's not easy for women who
were formerly "in control" of their lives to admit that they need a
bit of assistance in order to bring life to a manageable state.
Here are three ways to get the help that
1. Ask for it.
This is hard for many women to do, as it feels like an
admission that they're not coping. But other people, even those who
don't have their own little ones, understand that having a baby is
extremely difficult and that the schedule changes and sleep
deprivation means that you'll be unable to do everything that you
used to do. People want to help you; it makes them feel needed.
Start with family members and close friends. Ring up your best
friend and say, "This is really hard for me to admit, but I need
some help." Chances are excellent your friend will say, "I'll come
over right after work!"
2. Accept it.
If a friend rings up asking what you need, don't say, "Oh,
nothing. We're fine!" Instead, swallow any misgivings you might
have and reply, "Hey, that's so kind! To be honest, I'm really
struggling with the housework." You don't have to come right out
and say "Do my dishes!" Your friend should be savvy enough to pick
up on what you're NOT saying and say, "Well, why don't I come over
and tidy for you?" And your response to that should be: "Thanks
heaps - it would help me a lot. How about Thursday?" Similarly,
people who ask what you need for the baby or what gift they can
bring can be told, honestly and with a grin, "A voucher for a
cleaning company!" And any friend who says they'll bring you dinner
should be thanked and told how much you're looking forward to
it.
3. Hire it.
If you are really uncomfortable with the idea of your
friends and family seeing your house a mess, your laundry piled up
to the ceiling, and you and your baby in the same pyjamas you were
wearing two days ago, you need to hire some help. There are a
couple of paths you can go down. In the immediate weeks following
the baby's birth, a doula is wonderful choice. Doulas are trained
to help pregnant women and new mothers, and most have a service
available where they'll come to your house and "mother" you and
your little one in the early days. Besides a doula, you could hire
a housekeeper or cleaner in the short-term. Commercial cleaning
companies can arrange this for you, and you can get one-off
housecleanings. Also, there are maternity nurses who will come stay
with you for a few days to get you and your baby into a routine,
meal delivery services, online grocery shopping, and other forms of
home help that you'll find useful. Staying afloat as a mother isn't
easy, especially when you feel overwhelmed with the
responsibilities of new parenthood. But you do have options and
strategies to try and help lighten your burden and keep you from
sinking. It might be difficult at first, but with a bit of
practice, you'll soon find you're not simply surviving, you're
actually thriving, and enjoying being a mother so much
more.
by Katherine Granich
As seen in OHbaby!
magazine Issue 1: 2008
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