I’m ready to talk.

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   Please please please, this is confidential, and Sam and I are SAFE.   I did read through a previous thread that might have had similarities and CYFS was contacted.

Please, do not contact CYFS, I am SAFE, I am FINE and I have a LOT of support.

This is a cut/paste from the domestic violence forum I have joined.  Sorry it is MASSIVE

I want to share, I want to tell my story because I want anybody out there to know that domestic violence is not just about physical violence, there are women like myself who have been subjected to emotional/verbal/mental abuse and it's just as bad.

Ok, this might be a long story.

It started nearly three years ago. I had moved back to my home town after studying somewhere else for two years. I was single and open to a relationship. I was a completely normal, happy 21 year old with friends a job and a wonderful supportive family.

Enter - M.

I met him online. He seemed ok. We chatted for a little while and I invited him to a party at my house. (He lived about an hour away). He came to the party, we got on great, and decided to see more of each other. Things were fine for about one month.

Then the alarm bells started ringing. I was young and I ignored them. We would tell each other things about our past and things that we had done. He started to slowly make me feel bad for things he wasn't even around for, for example, I left school at 15 to study. He didn't like that so he told me I was unmotivated and lazy and a dropout. Conversations like this continued, and he made me wonder whether anything I had ever done was any good! He critized everything I did, everything I said and told me all of my ex boyfriends were no good losers (he had never met any of them, he just decided this after I had told him about them)

He then decided that I should quit my job and move an hour away to where he was living with his parents. I stupidly did. What a mistake. I couldn't do the housework properly, I was lazy, unmotivated, I didn't have enough friends(he had none). I shouldn't smoke, I shouldn't eat this, do this, do that. Nothing I did or said was any good. I walked on eggshells ALL day long. I had to make his lunch, cook and clean, and it was never good enough for him. If I got upset or stood up to him, his rage would be triggered. It would escalate to the point where I would be cowering in a corner with my hands over my ears saying STOP IT. He wouldn't stop it and I would be a crying mess for days until he made me apologise. I can describe it as a feeling of intense expectation on my thoughts. He would MAKE me explain to him in great detail about what I thought was wrong with me, what I should do about it and why I reacted a certain way, thought a certain way and he would do this for hours on end. I knew this was wrong but I let it happen.

After about four months he decided that he could never offer me a commitment, never wanted to have any children, but wanted me to stay with him anyway. I wanted those things, so I left and went back to my mum.

Two months later: He kept coming over on the weekends to see me. Things would be ok for a day, then something would trigger him and he would get into an uncontrollable rage.

Two weeks later: I found out I was pregnant. He flipped out, and told me I needed to get an abortion, or he would move as far away as possible and never see me ever again. I continued the pregnancy. Nine months later I delivered a healthy baby boy. He was there, and we had moved back in together.

Four months later: He decides it's not what he wants, and he wants myself and our four month old baby to leave. I leave and get a place of my own. He still tries to control everything I do, and shows up whenever he likes.

To cut a long story short, our son is 18 months old now and his father has been exactly the same to me as before, even in front of the baby.

Eight weeks ago he decided to move to Australia to work so that he could pay off his debts and make a future for himself and for us. He MADE me promise that I would not see anybody else while he was gone, and that he would change and that he would come back whenever he could to see us and it would be great.

He came back last week. It had been two days and we went out for a drink with my step-sister for her birthday. My sister and I were having fun and laughing and joking about old boyfriends we had when we were 15. He took offense to this and lost the plot. He ended up in an uncontrollable rage in the middle of town screaming and swearing at me. My mum was babysitting our son and he had gotten us a motel room for the night. He took me to the motel and the intense arguing and constant questions about where I get off treating him like that and that the whole trip was a waste of time/money and why did he even bother coming back if I was going to be such a spoilt, selfish little [CENSORED]. He then got angry when I wouldn't have sex with him so he drove me home at 3AM, dangerously, while screaming and shouting at me at the top of his voice, not watching the road. Needless to say I was terrified, shaking and crying, and he was yelling at me to stop crying. I went inside and locked the doors. He returned the next morning and blamed me for everything, saying it was a waste of money and I humiliated him in front of my sister and to the motel staff who brought two breakfasts to the room and he was the only one there.

I tried to explain to him that I would never forget what happened in the car and that it was unacceptable behaviour. He didn't agree. He blamed me for treating him like crap and walking all over him. He does not listen to me when I say that I am scared or that I am upset. He is adamant that I need to look at myself and realise that I have a problem and that I am so self-righteous and stubborn and it really pisses him off. He also says that I am the reason for his anger.

When he came back he demanded that he take his son out for the afternoon (I declined, saying that I wouldn't let him take him out when he was that angry). He lost the plot again saying that I wasn't letting him see his son and he could get court orders in place so that he can take him away from me. This is the single most horrifying thought I have ever had. That is my baby. I gave birth to him, did everything for him, he lives with me and me alone. I have been on my own with him for over a year and I am a damn good mother. He says he has grounds to get full custody of him and I better watch out and don't push him because I don't know what he is capable of. I am terrified that he and his family will do something. His family do not see what he is like, and they think he is a softly spoken, gentle person.

He has left to go back to Australia now. For the past three days I have been in survival mode, trying to keep him happy, to appease him, not to get upset, not to trigger him and to just keep him calm until he leaves. He accuses me of being hot and cold, wondering why I will not have sex with him and constantly badgering me about my problem and when will I learn to take the blame for things and face up to my issues and change.

My appeasing didn't work though, just before he left, he took back all the gifts he bought for me (a digital camera to take photos of his son, some perfume and some moisturiser) I am a solo mother and I can't afford to buy nice things. :( He even made me take off the jeans that I was wearing because he had paid for them. He said he was going to burn them all and smash them. He said I didn't deserve any of it, I was a selfish spoilt brat and I have ruined his whole trip back and it was a huge waste of his time and money.

I need to see a counsellor. I know this is abuse, but I need to have someone TELL me that it is, because he says that I am imagining it all and that I only say he's abusing me to get out of facing up to my problems.

Please help me, I don't know what to do. I do NOT want him back, although I want him to have a relationship with his son, I would never stop that. I do not however want my son to grow up around the abuse and the yelling or to think that it's ok to treat people like this.