Grief
Unfortunately, society does not generally recognise miscarriage
as the death of a child which must be followed by a period of
grieving, but many of us who have been through the experience know
otherwise. If this is your first miscarriage, you may be surprised
by the intensity of your feelings.
The pain of grief is caused by the loss of something we have
bonded to, and the stronger this bond, the deeper the pain. Studies
show that the mother usually begins bonding with the baby from very
early pregnancy, although many of us weren't even aware of it, so
the pain of this grief often comes as a shock. As the acceptance of
the loss grows, the pain diminishes.
Your feelings will probably include the following: shock/denial,
anger, guilt, depression and acceptance, there is no sequence. Even
after we have dealt with these feelings, they can recur, but will
gradually diminish in intensity. Although guilt is a normal part of
grief, in miscarriage it plays a much greater role. We want to
reassure you that nothing you did or didn't do caused the death of
your baby. Some people feel this was a punishment from God, but
this was an act of nature. We all tend to want to blame someone,
especially when we don't have answers.
It is healthy to grieve following a loss and grief is referred to
as "the healing feeling". It varies greatly but by three to six
months you should be feeling more like your old self, but not quite
the same. If it is taking longer, or you feel obsessed by your
loss, we recommend counselling.
Repressing our feelings by taking sedatives or alcohol are
tactics we can use to prevent ourselves from feeling pain. While
initially they seem to deaden it, they really just slow down the
grieving process so that it drags on unnecessarily.
Article supplied by Miscarriage Support Auckland Inc
www.miscarriage.org.nz
| email: support@miscarriagesupport.org.nz
Supportline: (09) 378 4060 voicemail | Fax: (09) 360 4034