One and only
If you're a parent of one child, you may be
feeling the pressure to start working on Baby Number Two. But what
if you want to stop at one? Is having an only child really as sad
and lonely as people like to tell us it is? Maree McNulty
investigates.
As many new parents can attest, as soon as your first-born
is in your arms, the questions and comments begin: "So, when is
number two coming along?" "This little one will need a younger
brother or sister!" "You'll want a pigeon pair." "More grandkids,
please!"
But with statistics showing that one-child
families could be on the rise in New Zealand, the definition of our
typical family unit is changing - and with it the assumption that
everyone plans to have more than one child, and those who don't,
can't.
In a 2005 discussion paper by the Waikato
University Population Studies Centre, researchers observed that New
Zealand's total fertility rate (TFR) dropped from 2.09 children per
woman in 1991 to 2.01 in 2004 - including a major drop in 2001 to
1.7 children per woman.
While the researchers say that future
fertility is hard to predict, New Zealand's general fertility is
higher than many other developed countries (Australia's TFR in 2004
was around 1.7, for example), so a downward trend is quite
plausible. Combine these statistics with anecdotal accounts of more
parents opting to have one child, and the traditional two-child
family assumption starts to seem positively old-fashioned.
There are many different ways in which
one-child families are created; some are by choice, some are not.
Medical conditions, the physical and emotional impacts of fertility
treatment, financial position, culture, family pressure,
relationship status and personal choice, or any combination of the
above, can shape a one-child family. Statistically, the trend
towards women delaying having children is also impacting on how
many children they have.
For Aucklander Justene Chang*, the decision
to stop having children after her son Simon* was born was a medical
one. Justene had a difficult pregnancy, spending the four months
before Simon was born on complete bed-rest. While her son arrived
healthy and she was fine, the prospect of another four months, or
longer, lying flat on her back is not something Justene could
endure again - especially with Simon to care for now. "In the
beginning I felt guilty about not giving my son a sibling," says
Justene. "But once I had worked through my guilt, I felt incredibly
free."
Only-child expert and mum to seven-year-old
Ronan, Jill Donovan, gives seminars on parenting only children, as
a qualified mum of an only child herself with a background in
management. In her seminar, Jill says that parents of only children
need to remember that their family size is just fine, regardless of
what anyone else thinks or any self-imposed guilt they might
feel.
"A sibling is not necessarily a guaranteed
recipe for happiness. What matters most is that parents of only
children accept their family equation as a blessing, and parent
from a positive perspective," she says. "If we are confident,
competent, and proud of our one-child family, it will show in
everything we do - and this is what our child needs to hear, see
and experience."
But the guilt and uncertainty surrounding
one-child families is not just self-imposed. There are
long-standing stereotypes of only children as spoiled, pampered
little brats, and their parents can encounter a range of reactions
from pity to confusion to being considered selfish for not wanting
more children.
Kim Mackenzie had her son Quade when she
was 36, and she and her husband made the decision not to have any
more children based on lifestyle factors.
"Quade is very independent and can be quite
challenging. We wanted to be 110% dedicated to him," said Kim. "We
now have a great balance between parenting Quade, continuing our
careers, our own relationship and having a social life. A second
child would throw that balance out." She said that while she has
never felt guilty about having an only child, she has often come
across the perception from other people that "you have to have two
kids" - "Which is a shame, because the only children I know are all
very lovely, contented, well-loved and well-rounded kids.
"I don't actually think that stereotype
exists - or at least, if it does, it's not solely the domain of the
only child."
Jill says the basics of parenting an only
child are the same as parenting multiple children "It is irrelevant
whether you have one or five children, you need to have a plan."
However, she says there are some specific challenges and joys that
are unique to parenting an only.
Only challenges
Parents of only children are constantly tempted to overdo
everything and micromanage their child's life. Because they don't
have to spread their time or attention to other children, it is
easy to overindulge, overcompensate and overprotect their only
child. Jill says that although this approach is natural and done
with the best of intentions, it can cause problems later on as the
child matures.
Kim says she is careful about how much
attention she gives to Quade. "I am aware that I shouldn't think
for him, which could be easy to do because I know him so well and
have the time to give him that attention," she says. "Instead I let
him problem-solve and make decisions himself. I was raised where I
had to learn to stand on my own two feet and learn from my
mistakes, to be independent and make my own decisions. I plan to
parent Quade with those same values."
From purchasing too many toys to spending
every moment doting on their child, to solving every problem for
them, parents of an only can unwittingly train their child to
believe they are the centre of the universe. Problems arise when
they start pre-school or school and realise that others are not in
fact there to serve them, and in reality they are no different to
any other child.
Doreen Wang, mum to six-year-old Joshua,
says she is careful to set realistic expectations for her son. She
recalls being in the kitchen making dinner while Joshua was in his
bedroom, calling out for her to help him with something. Because
she couldn't hear him, she didn't respond immediately and this made
Josh angry. "I realised then that I had been too quick to fix
things or help Josh every time he asked, instead of letting him
figure out solutions himself, so I had to take a step back," said
Doreen.
For all the parenting challenges that come
with having an only child, most research shows that there is little
or no advantage in having siblings when it comes to social
skills.
Toni Falbo, a professor of educational
psychology and sociology from the University of Texas, published a
study in the American Journal of Applied Social Psychology in 2006
on the interpersonal behaviour of only children. Her results
indicate that only children are more likely to have a co-operative
response and deviate more from group decisions than "non-onlies".
While the only children reported having fewer friends and joining
fewer clubs than their counterparts with siblings, they had
comparable numbers of close friends and took a comparable number of
leadership positions in the clubs they joined.
Only joys
Ask Jill about the joys of parenting an only child and be prepared
to sit for a while. "The joys are great!" she enthuses. "We can
indulge in really playing and having fun parenting without the need
to share our attention with other children."
She says only children are much like
first-borns in that they want to please their parents, so they can
be very easy to parent and work quite effectively within the
family. "Only children are also usually very 'adult' acting,
well-behaved and overachievers. They can prefer to spend time with
adults and parents, so it is easy to take them with you to the
museum, theatre, movie or out for dinner."
She recounts a particularly good example
with her son Ronan. "We were having a dinner party at our house and
it was time for Ronan (then four) to go to bed, but he wanted to
stay up with the adults. When I tried to explain to him that it was
his bed time, he looked at me quite seriously and said, 'But mum,
I'm just a small adult' - his reality was that of a small adult,
not a child.
"We have to remember, as adults, to
give our onlies time to enjoy having a childhood too. We need to
have realistic expectations for our little ones and if we take them
on an adult outing, make sure we build in time for some
age-appropriate activity."
All the parents of only children spoken to
for this article agreed that one of the best things about having an
only child is being able to give them all of their energy, time and
love. Many of the parents described themselves as having a type-A
personality, wanting to approach parenting with all their energy.
As Kim Mackenzie says, "With one child, you don't miss any of their
special moments. You can parent to the max."
Resources and further
reading
Books for parents:
* Parenting an Only Child: The Joys and Challenges of Raising Your
One and Only by Susan newman Ph.D.
* The Seven Common Sins of Parenting an ONLY by Carolyn White
* The Future of your On1y Child by Carl E. Pickhardt
* Keys to Parenting the Only Child by Carl E. Pickhardt
* Different Children, Different Needs by Charles F. Boyd
Books for children:
* Only You by rosemary Wells
* My Only Child, There's No One Like You by Kevin leman
* Waikato university Population Studies Centre Discussion Paper no
50 (May 2005)
* The New Zealand Population: A Synopsis of Trends and Projections
1991-2016 by Sandra Baxendine, Bill Cochrane, A. Dharmalingam,
Sarah Hillcoat-Nallétamby, and Jacques Poot
* Falbo, T. "Only children and interpersonal behaviour." Journal of
Applied
Psychology 8:3 (September 1978): 244-253. Online:
www3.interscience.wiley.com/journal/119613257/issue
Maree Mcnulty is a freelance writer who fits writing in around
her real job as full-time mum to two mischevious preschoolers, Isla
(3) and Keira (1).
As seen in OHbaby!
magazine Issue 7: 2009
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