Toddler talk
Trying to find out what your toddler is really
thinking can be difficult. Dr Melanie Woodfield explains some
simple strategies that you can use to open up the lines of
communication.
Having a real conversation with a child of any age can be
a very tricky task. Most of us can manage the "How many sandwiches
would you like for lunch?" conversation, but how would we fare with
"Daddy doesn't live here anymore"? Toddlers can be a tricky group
to chat with too - short attention spans, coupled with limited
language skills, and a difficulty grasping abstract concepts, mean
that we need to think very carefully about how to say what we want
to say to avoid a misunderstanding. Talking to toddlers about the
"deeper" issues is something we need to do as parents. Things like
checking whether they are happy at kindy, or why they cry every
time they see Grandma, or preparing for a discussion where you need
to explain why daddy won't be coming home - these are all things
that we may grapple with. So, rather than an article on how to get
compliance from your children, this is an article about how to talk
with your child in a way that encourages them to say more, makes
them feel valued and listened to, and gives you an insight into
their world.
My psychology training gave
me a good basis for the theory behind what works when talking to
children - information about language and social development and
interpersonal skills. However, most of what I know has come from
talking with children in my professional capacity, and discovering
which factors help encourage children to talk, and which factors
don't. Most of us know, for example, that asking an adolescent
"How's school?" is likely to elicit one of two responses "good", or
"fine". Are you curious about which factors will improve your
chances of having an 'in-depth" chat with your preschooler? Read
on! As with most tips, they won't work with every child, but should
give you a good basis from which to begin.
Where
First things first - where you choose to hold your conversation is
important. Some children will feel at ease in a setting where they
don't have to engage in direct eye contact, such as travelling in
the car, and others prefer having a distraction such as drawing
while talking. Be aware that the younger the child, the less likely
it is that they can multi-task - drawing while talking may be a
challenge, and either the drawing or the conversation might
suffer!
Having said that, coming alongside your
child while they're engaged in a task can be a nice way to engage
with them. Try commenting on their activity, in a way that invites
their response. For example, "I can see you're using
lots of green paint on your painting. Tell me about what you're
doing." Sometimes we don't even need to invite the child to respond
by using the "tell me…" statement - a technique such as using the
third person and "wondering" can be very effective, for example, "I
can see Sammy is really working hard on his painting. I wonder if
he's enjoying it?" A child may not respond to this, but if they do,
their comments are likely to be more elaborate than the response to
an alternative question such as "Are you enjoying it? Do be aware,
however, that use of the third person can be confusing to very
young children.
When
Also be careful of your timing - most children will be wary of an
adult who is trying to be very chatty and friendly immediately
after they've been very grumpy! Choose a time when you
and your child have some alone-time - settling to bed can be a nice
time to talk, but not necessarily if you're planning to delve into
emotionally charged stuff that could then become the stuff of
nightmares. Other nice times could be travelling in the car,
walking home from kindy, when other children are napping, or while
you're preparing dinner and your child is nearby.
How
Firstly, it's important to be aware of how you're coming across to
your child. If you're madly flustering around the kitchen, your
child may get the impression you're not interested in what they
have to say. Beware the adult tendency to cross arms and legs, or
look at your watch. Children are pretty perceptive of these
non-verbal cues that you're not interested. Also, in general,
children tend to "protect" their audience from emotional distress.
In other words, if they start to share something with you and you
appear too shocked or angry, some children will simply stop talking
or change the subject.
Thankfully, children are generally very
forgiving of sentences or questions that don't make a lot of
grammatical sense. For example, I'll often ask
children "what's that about?" when I don't understand
something, or want them to elaborate. Instead of looking confused,
they usually oblige, and proceed to explain in more detail.
Similarly, instead of asking "why?" I'll often ask "how come?",
and, for some reason, children seem to like this. These subtle
changes in the wording of phrases can make a big difference to how
children respond. Refraining from using "value" words such as
"good" and "bad" can be a useful touch too - try "OK" and "not OK"
instead.
If you need to share important information,
it's often useful to check the child's understanding of the
discussion you've had. Younger children, especially, will almost
always say "yes" when asked "do you understand?" - particularly if
the adult asking is looking rather serious. Children are typically
very aware of the subconscious emotional power imbalance that
exists in an adult-child relationship. Most young children are
reluctant to rock the boat, and possibly invite a reprimand, so
will indicate that they have understood, when in fact they
haven't.
An example I'll never forget hails from my
days as a conscientious psychology trainee interviewing young
children. I remember asking a young child directly "do you have any
worries or troubles that you want to talk about?" and
the child responding with an immediate "nope." A few beats later, I
thought to ask "Do you know what worries and troubles are?" to
which the child replied with an emphatic "no."
Bear in mind that abstract concepts such as
"worries" are very difficult for young children to conceptualise.
Children around 5-6 years onwards may be OK, but proceed with
caution! For preschool children, it's usually best to stick with
three basic emotions, such as happy, sad and angry. What I've found
helpful is to get the child to draw a happy face, a sad face and an
angry face on a piece of paper, then show me that particular
expression on their own face. I'll usually then go on to ask them
to tell me about a time when they had a happy face, or a sad face,
etc. You can then use the faces to start a conversation about
particular experiences or settings. For example, "which face do you
have on when you're going to kindy…? (child chooses)… tell me all
about that", but (and I can't emphasise this enough!), don't read
too much into the child's response in isolation. Just because your
child chose a "sad" face to represent her time at Daddy's place
last weekend doesn't mean that she dislikes her father - it
could simply mean that Daddy wouldn't buy her a Happy
Meal.
Metaphors and analogies, carefully
used, can also be very helpful. For example, I've explained
difficult situations to children in the past using teddy bears.
"Even though Mummy Bear and Daddy Bear loved Baby Bear very, very
much, they found it really hard to live together…"
I hope these tips have been helpful in
providing some creative ways to approach the challenging task of
having a "deep and meaningful" with your toddler. This is merely
the tip of the iceberg, and each child is different. Be encouraged
that if the tips don't work for you, it will get easier to talk
with your child as they age. Get in quick though - it starts to go
downhill again in adolescence!
Further reading
* How to Talk so Kids will Listen and Listen so Kids will
Talk, by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish. I've recommended it
before, and I'll recommend it again - this book is
wonderful.
Dr Melanie Woodfield is a child and adolescent
clinical psychologist in Auckland.
As seen in OHbaby!
magazine Issue 7: 2009
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