Taming toddler tantrums
Kicking and screaming, wailing and whining, foot
stamping, floor pounding, arm flapping... No, it's not performance
art, it's a toddler tantrum. Here's how to cope with your little
one's amateur dramatics - and keep your sanity.
Simply saying the phrase
"temper tantrum" sends shivers down the spines of many parents.
Toddler tantrums are annoying and frustrating, but, unfortunately,
they're rather common during the toddler and preschool years. Most
children will exhibit these, and some more than others. This can
depend on their temperament, the match of the child with their
parents' personalities, and the use and implementation of parenting
strategies.
Tantrums do vary somewhat in what they
look like. They can be the common "rolling on the ground, pounding
arms and feet while screaming" variety or, while standing, can
include stomping, crying or screaming. Your child may hold their
breath, go floppy, arch their back, or give you the silent
treatment. My youngest child throws tantrums with a scowling face
while folding her arms in defiant determination. It makes quite a
picture (and let's not ask where she gets this from).
Why does my child throw
tantrums?
Developmentally, tantrums are simply a child's means of
communication. She is expressing herself in the only way she knows
how, until she learns to communicate and use better, alternative
means. Tantrums are your child's way of communicating her
displeasure with the turn of events, her frustration in not being
able to do something, have something,or at having to wait (which
most are not yet good at).
It is helpful to view this phase as a
child's time to learn the elementary steps of emotional
self-regulation, given that the parent does not respond in such a
way that the child learns to think, "Hey, this gets me what I
want!" If a child learns this, you may have created a little tyrant
who will hold you to ransom with the threat of a tantrum. Don't
panic if this sounds like your child and you are tiptoeing around
them in fear of an outburst. Remember, it is a learned behaviour
and change is possible with the use of new strategies on your
part.
Tantrums naturally occur more often when
your child is hungry, tired or over-stimulated, as these are the
times when emotional self-regulation is hard. Just as when you or I
are sleep-deprived, we become more irritable, impatient and easily
angered. Set up helpful routines to avoid tiredness and hunger,
helping everyone cope and plan. Don't forget to also provide plenty
of exercise for your child so she is not wired with pent-up energy
that needs to be released, causing havoc in the house.
Check your expectations
Parental expectations can be instrumental in this, too. If your
expectations are too high, your child can never meet them and will
feel disappointed and frustrated - for example, a two-year-old
being asked to put books back on a shelf. This is a tall order, and
sets both the parent and child up for disappointment, which could
very likely end in a tantrum. A preschooler may be able to do a
super tidy-up job occasionally, and increasingly share nicely.
However, they are easily distracted and consistent behaviour may
not be realistic as yet. Parental support and assistance is still
necessary - it's a bit like training wheels on a bike. You still
need to catch your child or hold her, rather than letting her fly
down the hill with no assistance. So expecting 100%
compliance sets you and your child up for failure, frustration and
disappointment and, consequently, a likely tantrum.
Expectations that are too low, meaning you
as a parent do too much for your child, cause your child to miss
out on learning opportunities and practice. In turn, her skills are
not given the chance to develop, and she will feel frustrated at
her inability with the parent often taking over. Consequently,
tantrums will ensue in protest at the lack of opportunity.
Prevention is key
So how should a parent respond to a child having a tantrum? First,
check preventative options. Are there common triggers that can be
eliminated? Are there common times of the day when tantrums are
driving you crazy? Maybe routines can be changed to better
accommodate the child's needs and minimise tantrums. For example,
four-year-old George is asked, "What would you like to wear today?"
by his mum. George chooses his favourite jumper. Alas, it's a hot
day so his mum says, "No, George, it's too hot for that." But
George insists on the jumper, then throws a tantrum when his mum
won't budge. Alternatively, if George's mum gave George an option
of two possible T-shirts, the jumper tantrum could have been
avoided.
The rule of thumb, therefore, is: Only
give choices when they are genuinely available. Providing options
of two or three choices works well for this age group: "Would you
like peanut butter or jam on your toast?" is better than "What
would you like on your toast?"
Another example is three-year-old Sarah,
who is picked up from daycare at 5.30pm each evening. She's tired
and hungry. They arrive home and her parents begin to make dinner,
while Sarah is grumpy and whiny, and tantrums happen at the drop of
a hat. Sarah's parents are frustrated because they want the little
time they have with her in the evening to be quality time, not full
of tension and frustration. So, alternatively:
1. Sarah's parents could
arrange to take turns picking Sarah up while the other parent goes
home to make dinner so it's ready on their arrival.
2. Sarah's parents could
arrange to leave earlier from work so that Sarah can be picked up
earlier.
3. Sarah's parents could
arrange for one parent to cut back his or her working hours, or
perhaps explore the option of working more flexible hours so that
Sarah can get home earlier.
4. Snacks (as part of
Sarah's dinner) are prepared for her to eat in the car on their way
home, such as carrot sticks, cherry tomatoes, cucumber rings, pita
bread, etc. Upon arrival home, Sarah is bathed by one parent, while
the other parent prepares the rest of the meal.
It's always better to investigate the
cause and try to prevent tantrums before simply heading for the
discipline route.
Attention-seeking
Can a tantrum be an example of attention-seeking behaviour on a
child's part? Yes, unfortunately, tantrums are sometimes done for
our benefit alone! This is especially so if we pay lots of
attention to the tantrum and give little attention to the child
generally. Any attention is better than no attention.
Are you always too busy, saying to your
child, "Just a minute!" "Soon!" "Hang on!" and the like? Children
love and need their parents' attention, so hug, cuddle, wrestle,
talk and read, praise and encourage, do puzzles, crafts, cooking…
All of these are important aspects of providing emotional security
for your child. In such a family environment, children know that
you are available to them, providing emotional contentment. This
does not translate to being with them all the time - children like
having frequent small amounts of time, too.
Preparation
Prepare your child for change. When you have to leave the house,
the swimming pool or a friend's house, provide your child with a
warning to let her know that she's leaving soon. This helps many
children cope with the upcoming change and possible disappointment
of having to leave, rather than to be suddenly asked to go,
especially if they're in the middle of playing.
Strategies for coping
Even in the most wonderful and well-rounded families,
tantrums still occur. So how then can we minimise these and, at the
same time, teach our children better alternatives and emotional
self-regulation?
• Model calmness. If you have rages
and outbursts of anger yourself, do these away from the children
and perhaps learn some anger-management strategies or relaxation
techniques. Check out local courses and support for this.
• If your child is still young and
not able to talk much, and is heading into a tantrum, tell him,
"Matthew, stop crying, and listen with your ears," followed with an
instruction, such as, "Let's put the puzzle away."
• Attempt to redirect her. Praise
her if she cooperates: "That's good listening, Sarah!" Should the
tantrum continue, ignore your child completely until she is
finished. Simply wait it out.
• Stay calm. Remain persistent and
consistent in your approach. Perhaps you'll need to think of some
ways to support you to remain calm, such as taking five deep
breaths, counting to 20, walking to the letterbox and back, or
turning on some music.
• Do not try to console, talk or
reason with her. Your child is in no shape to listen to anything
until she has calmed down. When she is calm, comfort her but do not
give in to the demand that was the cause of the tantrum.
• Attempt to say yes rather than
always saying no. You can change many no's into yes's - "Yes, you
can play after you have put your pyjamas under your pillow," or
"Yes, you may have a snack when we get home," or "Yes, you can have
dessert after you have finished your sandwich."
• For preschoolers who have
tantrums, provide them with an instruction to change their
behaviour. Keep it short and to the point, such as "Sam, stop
screaming. I can see that you're angry. Let's come back to
colouring the picture after dinner, and I'll help you."
• Should he continue to scream, take him
to quiet time. Quiet time is a set space in the social part of the
house, such as the steps leading down to the lounge, a special rug,
a stool, or chair in the dining room that is away from foot
traffic, and should not be a place from where the TV can be
watched. When quiet time is necessary, place your child in this
spot for a set period of time (a half-minute for every year of age,
so a four-year-old would be in quiet time for two minutes). While
he is in quiet time, he must sit still and be quiet.
• If your child cannot follow those
two rules of quiet time, she is then promptly taken to time out,
while you state this to her: "Julia, you have not stayed in quiet
time, so now you'll have to go to time out." Time out should be a
boring, safe place that is away from the social environment, such
as the laundry room, a bathroom, an office, the hallway, or a spare
bedroom. Prepare it before you need it. Take your child to time out
for the same amount of time as quiet time (a half-minute for every
year of your child's age); however, do not start timing her until
she is quiet!
• Go over the rules. Before using
quiet time or time out, and when you are not in the middle of a
problem behaviour, take your child through the rules of quiet time
and time out. You could make it fun and role-play being the child
who throws tantrums! Check that your child understands the concept.
Then use it and be consistent, calm and patient. Emotional
regulation is not achieved in three days!
Be sure to support one another as parents in managing
your child's tantrums in the same way. If you and your partner have
differences of opinion in how you handle tantrums, discuss this
away from your child and do not be tempted to intervene with the
other parent's management unless there is danger of serious
harm.
Remember, Rome was not built in a day!
Stick with it and a reduction will be seen over a week to two. Keep
the focus on being positive and noticing positive behaviour, and
have a lot of fun together when you are not in the middle of a
tantrum. Take heart that this too will pass, especially when
consistent, skillful parenting strategies are employed.
by Pauline Ogilvy
Reference
Triple P (Positive Parenting Programme)
As seen in OHbaby!
magazine Issue 1: 2008
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