Well brought up
Ratbag or model citizen? And
is behaviour a result of nurture or nature? Psychologist Dr Melanie
Woodfield considers these big questions facing parents, and shares
tips on shaping our children into the well-rounded individuals
society smiles upon.
No parent wants to raise a
ratbag. Ideally, we want to be known as the parents of "that
lovely Samuel", rather than the child people talk about after
we've left the party for all the wrong reasons. Chances
are, "lovely Samuel" could also be described as
"well-rounded", a phrase most of us would be proud to have our
children described as. But before we embark on the task of crafting
our own positive wee contribution to society, we need to clarify
what is meant by the rather nebulous aim of well-rounded.
Firstly, we're talking metaphorically
well-rounded, not literally (as in, a euphemism for a "cuddly" or
"tubby" child). Secondly, well-rounded does not necessarily mean
well-behaved. True, a well-rounded child is likely to behave well a
lot of the time, but the two are not synonymous. Well-rounded is
more than simply compliance.
We're also not talking about the kind of
well-roundedness that features in many a school report, referring
to a child who simultaneously engages in ballet, chess, kapa haka,
and pottery. Perhaps it helps to define the opposite of
well-rounded - think unfeeling, self-focused, callous,
unremorseful, vindictive, ruthless, and rude, to name a few
undesirable traits. Instead, we're aiming for children who are
kind, compassionate, caring, ethical, moral, and generous. Overall,
a child who is balanced, kind and generous without being naïve, and
ethical without being irritating. A tall order!
Of course, well-rounded can mean different
things to different people. One's culture, gender and age can
influence this - your child's grandmother might add "good manners"
to the list of qualities possessed by a well-rounded child, while
your younger brother might view your son as well-rounded if he
has a good knowledge of video games.
While the debate continues to rage over
whether a child's well-roundedness is determined by their genes or
how they are raised, most accept that a combination of nature and
nurture is involved. In other words, our parenting behaviour can
make a difference. If you're interested enough in your child's
well-being to sit down and read an article like this, chances are
you're doing just fine as a parent, so relax! Don't stop reading,
though, as you'll hopefully pick up a few tips or tricks. There are
no guarantees, but here are a few basic things you can do to
improve your chances of being invited back to that
party.
Do as I say, not as I do
Nice try, Mum and Dad, but kids almost always do as you do, not as
you say. Many a child psychologist's notebook contains the
following kind of conversation:
Parent 1: "I wish we could
f@&#!n stop him from
f@&#!n swearing all the time!"
Parent 2: "I f@&#!n
agree."
Psychologist: "Ah, right…"
No matter how many times you emphasise the
importance of a particular behaviour or quality to your children,
if you're not displaying it yourself, they won't do it. This
goes for both deliberate and inadvertent contradictory behaviour.
Think how often we tell children it's important to love themselves
for who they are - we read them stories that promote good
self-esteem, say encouraging things to them, and correct any
negative self-statements they make. What we often fail to notice,
however, is the number of times we let slip with comments like, "I
shouldn't eat that, I'll get fat" (the unspoken implication being
that "fat" is not okay), or "I hate my (insert body part
here)".
It's a cliché, but children are
metaphorical sponges who soak up the good and the bad. This applies
to each of the qualities that make up a well-rounded child. We may
repeatedly rant to our children about the importance of generosity,
but don't think for a minute that their attentive eyes will miss
you asking for change from a $5 note for that ANZAC poppy gold-coin
donation.
So start displaying the qualities you want
your child to display. Yes, it's hard work, but it's worth it. Talk
though issues and concerns with your children - the older they are,
the more they will appreciate your honesty about the challenges of
being well-rounded. For example, "Mummy really wants to be helpful
and pick up that rubbish, but she's in a rush to get home. What do
you think we should do?" this kind of commentary lets older
children know that, as humans, we do have competing demands, and we
regularly face ethical dilemmas. Explaining your thought process
can illustrate practical problem-solving skills and show your child
that, in the end, it's important for our values to guide our
decisions. "I feel really good that we decided to pick up the
rubbish. Being helpful to others feels good. Let's run home instead
of walking so we can still be on time."
Establish explicit family
values
Parents can value different things. Your culture, gender, age, and
socio-economic background can all influence the values you convey
to your children. Mum might value kindness, gentleness, and
tidiness, while Dad might place more value on physical strength and
endurance. These are obviously generalisations, but illustrate the
tension that can result from valuing different things. There's
usually no quick fix here - generally speaking, you can't decide to
hold certain values (well, you can decide to, but actually putting
these into practice is often a different kettle of fish!), but it's
very important to be aware of the differences in what you value as
individuals, and the impact this can have on teaching values to
your children.
If you are able to reach some sort of
agreement (or if you agree to disagree), perhaps try a sit-down
family discussion about what qualities are important to you as a
family. This could be done in a deliberate manner, such as a family
meeting, or in a more informal way - perhaps a casual discussion
about values raised in a television programme. You could even write
your family values down and display them somewhere prominent. Your
children may be surprised to learn that you value their kindness to
each other more than a tidy room (but tidy rooms are still
important!).
While you might feel a bit square at first,
Parents Inc founders Ian and Mary Grant's oft-touted phrases such
as "In our family we (insert appropriate value/behaviour here)…"
really do have a place, and could serve as a good reminder of your
family values session. An example might be, "In our family, we are
generous with our money", coupled with a donation to a charity or
church group. When Junior refuses to give his sister 20c so she can
buy that sweetie, remind him with a prompt, "remember, in our
family we…" sister may then need a prompt of her own: "remember,
we're also polite and thankful in our family." As with many
strategies, there is such a thing as too much, so use
wisely.
Start
early
Even if your children are still "premoral", you are their moral
compass, pointing them in the direction of what's appropriate.
Those gentle prompts may seem to go in one ear and out the other,
but they are paving the way for the well-rounded child of the
future, and are well worth your time and effort.
Once children reach preschool, they are
exposed to the morals, values, and beliefs of the adults who care
for them, so it's important to select a preschool or caregivers
whose values align with your own.
As children age, values are often
introduced into their formal school curriculum. An example of this
is "The Virtues Project", an initiative which began in 1991
and involves each school selecting key virtues from a selection of
52 values. The literature on their website (www.virtuesproject.org.nz
) provides more detail, if you're interested.
An example of key virtues that a school
might deem relevant include: Caring, Cleanliness, Confdence,
Cooperation, Courtesy, Courage, Creativity, Excellence,
Friendliness, Helpfulness, Honesty, Justice, Loyalty, Patience,
Perserverance, Reliability, Resilience, Respect, Responsibility,
and Tolerance. Schools then introduce the concepts into formal and
informal teaching; for example, asking children, "In what way could
you show caring towards your classmates?" Many schools emphasise
that the project is not about having control over children, but
giving children the skills to have control over themselves.
Spotlight on
morality
Most of us appreciate the characteristics of a well-rounded child,
but it may be useful to explore what we mean by morality, or
ethical behaviour. Generally, morality refers to the extent to
which someone is aware of right behaviour versus wrong behaviour.
Most of us know, without having to be formally taught, that it is
wrong to take someone else's life, for example. Even the most
damaged of individuals, at some level, know that this is not okay.
How do we come to know this? Two of the most influential theorists
in this area are Jean Piaget (a Frenchman who lived 1896-1980), and
Lawrence Kohlberg, who came along later and refined and extended
Piaget's work.
Piaget and Kohlberg agree that children
under five years old are premoral. In other words, kids evaluate
their behaviour on the basis of personal outcomes, without any
concept of right and wrong. They have little awareness of social
rules, and are not concerned that there are no rules. In a game of
snap or "Duck, Duck, Goose", children under five don't usually play
systematically with the intent of winning, but seem to make up
their own rules, thinking that the point of the game is to have fun
and take turns.
Between the ages of five and 10, children
enter a new stage, which Piaget called heteronomous morality. In
this stage, kids generally have a strong respect for rules, and
view rules made by adults as sacred and unchangeable, regardless of
the circumstances. For example, it's not okay to break the speed
limit, even if it's an emergency. As part of the research behind
his moral theory, Piaget presented children with a series of
scenarios:
Story A: A little boy who is
called John is in his room. He is called to dinner. He goes into
the dining room. But behind the door there was a chair, and on the
chair there was a tray with 15 cups on it. John couldn't have known
that there was all this behind the door. He goes in, the door
knocks against the tray, bang go the 15 cups, and they all get
broken.
Story B: Once there was a little boy whose name
was Henry. One day when his mother was out he tried to reach some
jam out of the cupboard. He climbed onto a chair and stretched out
his arm. But the jam was too high up, and he couldn't reach it…
While he was trying to get it, he knocked over a cup. The cup fell
down and broke. (Piaget, 1932/1965, p.122; cited in shaffer,
1999)
After hearing the scenarios, the
children were asked questions like, "Which child is naughtier?
Why?" Piaget found that five- to 10-year-old children were likely
to judge the naughtiness of an action by the actual consequences,
not by the person's intention - in other words, many of these
children said that John was naughtier, because he broke 15 cups,
despite Henry's darker intention.
Poor old John will be relieved to hear that
when children reach approximately 10 or 11, in Piaget's autonomous
morality stage, they realise that social rules can be challenged,
and even changed on occasion. They also see it as okay to break
rules in the service of human need (e.g. speeding in an emergency).
In Piaget's research, 10-year-olds reliably said that Henry, who
broke one cup while stealing jam, was naughtier than John, who
broke 15 cups while going to dinner.
There are gender and cultural differences
within moral behaviour. Boys and girls value different things when
deciding how "moral" an act was. Carol Gilligan (1982) found that
in younger children, girls tended to be more concerned with a
morality based on caring, or actions that enhance, or are
appropriate, within personal relationships. Young boys are
generally more concerned with justice-based morality, or the degree
to which actions conform to socially-agreed
rules.
Richard Shweder, Manamahan Mahapatra, and
Joan Miller presented 39 acts to children and adults in India and
the USA. Three of the acts included:
• A young married woman is beaten black-and-blue by her
husband after going to a movie without his permission, despite
having been warned not to do so again.
• A brother and sister decide to get married and have
children.
• The day after his father died, the eldest son in a
family has a haircut and eats chicken.
Interestingly, Hindu children and adults rated the son having a
haircut and eating chicken after his father's death as one of the
more offensive acts of the 39 rated, and the husband beating his
wife as not wrong at all. Americans viewed the domestic violence as
far more serious. Although both cultures agreed that sibling
marriage was immoral, they agreed on little else.
Hopefully you've found dipping your toes
into the vast ocean of morality theory interesting. Hopefully
you've also discovered, or been reminded, that showing yourself to
be well-rounded is the most effective way to encourage your child
to be well-rounded. The strategies outlined above are worth the
effort, but remember, overall, children do as we do, not as we say.
This means hard work on our part, but our children, grandchildren
(and our society) will be better off if we make the effort.
Melanie Woodfield is a clinical psychologist and
mother of one.
As seen in OHbaby!
magazine Issue 6: 2009
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