Thirteen years ago I met a man who said he didn’t think he wanted children. I was worried as children were on my list of priorities in life, but I thought I’d give him time. After all, we were only 21.
Less than two years later, he came home from work one day and said “I’m ready for kids”. I was floored! Five months later my first pregnancy was confirmed. We were so excited. This was an experience I’d dreamt of all my life! Some woman dream of their wedding day, but not me. I dreamt about babies. Being pregnant. Being a mum.
Nine months later we gave birth to our first child – a healthy little boy.
Life turned upside down for us, as our son was one of the unhappiest babies I’d ever come across! He cried most of the day and night and we struggled through his first six months, until finally he started to settle down and became a (mostly) happy baby.
There was a huge range of emotions when, in under a year, I fell pregnant again. Hubby was quite happy, but I wondered how I would cope. What if I had another baby like the first?? I'd go truly mad. As I slowly got used to the idea of another baby, I started hoping that this time we’d have a little girl. I’d always dreamt of having a daughter. There is just something special about girls!
However 20 weeks into the pregnancy we found that baby was a boy. Initially I was disappointed. Maybe we could try again for a girl? But I’d only ever imagined having two children – now it would have to be 3! Surely it would be third time lucky??
Just as our first (Jayden) turned 19 months old, Kyle was born. He was healthy and beautiful. And so contented!! We were so relieved and happy!
After about a year or two, I found myself dreaming about having a daughter and we decided to try one more time for a little girl. Soon after the third pregnancy was confirmed. The 20 week scan showed our baby to be a healthy little ……….. boy!! Another one! Now don’t get me wrong, we were (and are) extremely happy and thankful to have 3 lovely, healthy children, regardless of the gender. But still I craved a daughter. Seeing little girls out there brought tears to my eyes.
If you only have boys, you will always be a mother-in-law to any girls that may come along. How many mother-in-laws have a relationship with their daughter in law like they would with their own daughter? What would the chance be? I wanted to see a daughter grow up, to encourage her to be a kind hearted, strong woman. To see her through her own pregnancies, to be there for her as she goes through the pain of childbirth and support her through motherhood.
Two years later, the feelings as stong as ever, I was pregnant with number four. This too turned out to be a lovely, healthy little boy! We were very happy. Four boys. I tried to accept that we had to call it quits - we couldn't go on having more and more children! The boys were a handful, lovely but boisterous! I looked into sex selection, but the only surefire was would cost us over $20,000 and would have to be done in Australia (IVF-PGD). Hubby was firm - four was enough. I cried. Secretly I looked into adoption, but it seemed so out of reach to be done here in NZ, and so expensive from overseas.
I had no choice; I had to count my blessings with what I had. I struggled to come to terms with it, but slowly started to adjust. We could have our lives back as the boys grow – we could go out and have time out together as a couple for the first time in 10 years! I told myself it would be great, as they boys got more independent we could travel and socialise more. After all, did I really want to go through another pregnancy, birth, and sleepless nights??
Eighteen months after Logan (number four) was born. We were shocked to discover we were pregnant again!! Hubby seemed quite happy, but I felt a bit resentful. What was the chance of this child being my longed for daughter? I knew statistically that the chance would be slim. I started to accept the fact that this little bundle growing inside me would be a little brother for all his siblings and got on with the pregnancy.
Finally the time for the 20 week scan came along. I was so nervous, like I was going in for a major operation or something. What if the baby wasn’t healthy? What if they couldn’t even see the sex? On the way I grabbed a chocolate muffin, in the hope that it would get baby moving in order to increase the chance of seeing between its legs! What would I do if he wasn’t healthy? The thought filled me with dread. We had been so lucky to have four healthy children – not even a miscarriage. We had been so fortunate.
The lady doing to scan was the same woman who had scanned us twice in the last pregnancy and the one who had revealed to us that that number four was a boy. We walked in and informed her we would like to know the sex please. I was nervous. I had accepted the boy thing; I just wanted to know that everything was fine.
About two minutes into the scan I got a fleeting glimpse of babies genitals as the scanner was past over my tummy – I gasped! That looked like a girl!!! I dared not breathe – the scanning lady measured baby’s legs. I was trembling! She went from the legs to the genitals – I gasped again –A GIRL!!! Yes, we were informed, – Congratulations! I burst into loud sobs! Hubby was grilling the scanner – “” Are you sure? Where are you looking? How sure are you?” His words were just a blur in my head – A GIRL!! Thank you!! My prayers were answered.
Our daughter’s legs were wide open and we had a perfect shot. The ultrasound lady said “I know how you feel and I wouldn’t say if I wasn’t sure” and gave us over 95% chance! That, in combination with what I had seen, was proof enough for me! Further more, she was a healthy little girl, growing well.
I cried for the next few weeks – in absolute joy! We told everyone who would listen and hubby was just as happy as I was! We are so grateful – a healthy little girl.
We now have 13 weeks until our due date. We have pink things mounting the cupboard and our boys are so happy to be having a little sister. Although we are not particularly religious, I thank God every day and I dream of the day I can hold her in my arms.