Vomit City

Part 4 from Deborah Johanson's Maternal Journals – parenting is not for the faint hearted.


Something that I have been dreading for quite a while has come to pass in my house.  Both my children are sick at the same time.  It all started on Monday when Master 3 overnight developed into what I thought was an emotional wreck. The littlest thing would set him off into complete meltdown. 

Can’t have weetbix for lunch?  Meltdown. 

Can’t balance a toy car on the end of a pencil?  Meltdown. 

The mother of all meltdowns came when I bent his straw over for him to drink his milk out of when apparently he had wanted to bend his straw himself.  It may seem trivial but for him, well that was the last straw. Complete. Utter. Meltdown. 

It was at this point when I was alternating between wanting to sit him down for a good talk and strangling him (just kidding) that I realised he was hot.  Very hot. 39.5 degrees, hot.  Putting my nursing skills to good use, I assessed Master 3 and after deciding that a trip to doctor wasn’t yet necessary I dosed him up with some meds to bring down his temp and got him settled on the couch.

I then turned my attentions to Miss 7 months who was playing nicely on the floor in front of the couch.  Miss 7 months turned her sweet little face in my direction and proceeded to vomit all over the lounge.  Floor.  Curtains.  Everywhere.   Before I could even react to this new development Master 3 started screaming blue murder.  Right. Pick up the baby (who is also screaming), ignore the vomit for now and find out what on earth is going on with the 3 year old.  Turns out a spot (literally a drop) of vomit had landed on Master 3’s foot which was dangling off the couch.  This, in his world, was akin to a piranha clamping on to the end of his foot.  It was at this exact time that one of those electricity sales people decided to come to the door (I kid you not).  He took one look at me covered in vomit, the screaming baby in my arms and the hysterical shrieks coming from the lounge and his smile froze in place.  

“Sorry to bother you Madame (Madame?  Obviously dressing in vomit makes you look older than your years) but are you happy with your current electricity provider”.  Is this guy kidding me?  Okay deep breath.  He obviously does not have kids and has gone into “just say the spiel” shock at my appearance and the (still going) screaming. 

After explaining to him that he would have to hold my puke baby if wanted me to be able to look at the forms he had, he made a gratefully and overly hurried exit from my property. 

So here I sit at the keyboard typing out the latest maternal journal and I can’t help but think that that motherhood could seriously be a great survivor series.  You could send men and women who have not yet been “blessed” with children into a “normal” suburban household.  I can just hear the voiceover…..

“After a mere 3 hours sleep last night the contestants are pushed to the limit by enduring hours of pointless whining from a 3 year old…Cue vomit baby!  The contestants now have to step through the vomit to get to the baby!  However, just as the contestants get to the baby, another challenge!  Cue screaming toddler!  The contestants make it back through the vomit to the screaming toddler but before they can make another move…another challenge!!  Cue electricity sales man!

Of course for it to be fair there should only be one contestant in the home. The other half of the team should be kept in a room oblivious to what is unfolding in the house until 6.30 pm at which time he/she should walk into the house and say to the first contestant “I’ve had such a hard day”.   The “housebound” contestant will earn bonus points if they do not start their answer with “YOU’VE had a hard day…”.


Deborah Johanson is a nurse and mother, and lives with her husband and their two children on Auckland's North Shore. Deborah shares her Maternal Journals with OHbaby! in association with Tiny Turtles.

Click here for Deborah's previous journal entry, King of the World



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