OHbaby! Forums : Helping out or not..

OHbaby! Forums : Helping out or not.. https://www.ohbaby.co.nz/forum/ Copyright (c) 2006-2013 Web Wiz Forums - All Rights Reserved. Sun, 19 Apr 2026 01:44:15 +0000 Wed, 16 Jun 2010 16:29:35 +0000 http://blogs.law.harvard.edu/tech/rss Web Wiz Forums 12.05 360 https://www.ohbaby.co.nz/forum/RSS_post_feed.asp?TID=33948 <![CDATA[OHbaby! Forums]]> https://www.ohbaby.co.nz/forum/forum_images/web_wiz_forums.png https://www.ohbaby.co.nz/forum/ <![CDATA[Helping out or not.. : Oh & finances, I have full financial...]]> https://www.ohbaby.co.nz/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=33948&PID=1065699&title=helping-out-or-not#1065699 Author: tictacjunkie
Subject: 33948
Posted: 16 June 2010 at 4:29pm

Oh & finances, I have full financial control in our house, but DH knows exactly whats going on. We have one joint account, a minimal mortgage, no credit cards, no hp, no o/d. As long as the bills are paid, the pantry's full, & when DH needs something he can get it then he's happy! Works well for us. =)]]> Wed, 16 Jun 2010 16:29:35 +0000 https://www.ohbaby.co.nz/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=33948&PID=1065699&title=helping-out-or-not#1065699 <![CDATA[Helping out or not.. : Hi, haven't read much of...]]> https://www.ohbaby.co.nz/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=33948&PID=1065695&title=helping-out-or-not#1065695 Author: tictacjunkie
Subject: 33948
Posted: 16 June 2010 at 4:23pm

Hi, haven't read much of the thread but thought I'd put in my 2 cents. DH works away, a lot, we can go for 6 mths at a time only having him home every 2nd weekend, so while I get to juggle 4 children by myself he's eating at restaurants & sleeping peacefully in motels, so when he is home I expect him to help, which he does, normally without me asking, =). When we were both working & we had only 2 children I still did more of the house stuff than him- but I'm fussier than him too! ]]> Wed, 16 Jun 2010 16:23:38 +0000 https://www.ohbaby.co.nz/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=33948&PID=1065695&title=helping-out-or-not#1065695 <![CDATA[Helping out or not.. : Well my DP has the flu and thinks...]]> https://www.ohbaby.co.nz/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=33948&PID=1063890&title=helping-out-or-not#1063890 Author: Babe
Subject: 33948
Posted: 15 June 2010 at 11:04am

Well my DP has the flu and thinks hes dying lol but he keeps trying to get up and make me cuppas since thats all hes got energy for

]]> Tue, 15 Jun 2010 11:04:32 +0000 https://www.ohbaby.co.nz/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=33948&PID=1063890&title=helping-out-or-not#1063890 <![CDATA[Helping out or not.. : The dishwasher packed a sad on...]]> https://www.ohbaby.co.nz/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=33948&PID=1063216&title=helping-out-or-not#1063216 Author: jazzy
Subject: 33948
Posted: 14 June 2010 at 5:47pm

The dishwasher packed a sad on the weekend & not sure if I want it fixed as my kitchen looks cleaner & DH has been doing the dishes

I have started my big clean & have been wiping down walls, windows all wood bits & the place is starting to sparkle again (still a way to go) & DH has been taking down the curtains & put them back up for me...so he is being very helpful & without me asking

]]> Mon, 14 Jun 2010 17:47:40 +0000 https://www.ohbaby.co.nz/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=33948&PID=1063216&title=helping-out-or-not#1063216 <![CDATA[Helping out or not.. : I've just gone back to work...]]> https://www.ohbaby.co.nz/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=33948&PID=1061453&title=helping-out-or-not#1061453 Author: WestiesGirl
Subject: 33948
Posted: 12 June 2010 at 11:03pm

I've just gone back to work but before that being a SAHM I did most/all of the household chores and most things that involved dealing with Jackson. I get up and care for him throughout the night and thats something we both agreed on at the beginning. I did all the laundry, ironing, vacuuming etc. I dont mind either, cos when I decided to be a SAHM I knew that came part of the job description.
DH is great, he takes an active part in both housework and caring for Jackson when Im not. He is pretty good on the weekend and will do the mopping and clean the bathrooms. If I want him to do something I just ask, I dont generally need to nag. When I cook, he cleans and vise versa.

When he gets home from work he likes to take Jackson and spend time with him, which has just happened naturally and he enjoys it. And it gives me 10 minutes to finish and serve dinner and 'chill' for a bit. I've never needed to 'hand him over' cos it was that time of the day.

As for finances, I do it all. Mainly cos Dh cant be a*sed. We both play an active part in how our money is spent and where it goes. We make decisions together, unless its minor day to day purchases and spending i.e. groceries, bills etc. No allowance here, if Dh (or I) needs something we factor it into the budget otherwise it all comes out of our spending account (all our accounts are joint).

Now that Im back at work, I still take care of most household things but DH helps out a little more. TBH I kinda like doing most things, they get done the way I like and in a timely manner.]]> Sat, 12 Jun 2010 23:03:41 +0000 https://www.ohbaby.co.nz/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=33948&PID=1061453&title=helping-out-or-not#1061453 <![CDATA[Helping out or not.. : Hrmmm, I haven't seen these...]]> https://www.ohbaby.co.nz/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=33948&PID=1061413&title=helping-out-or-not#1061413 Author: minik8e
Subject: 33948
Posted: 12 June 2010 at 10:10pm

Hrmmm, I haven't seen these Tower ads!!! I feel like I'm missing out!!!

I think I'm probably the only person who has spoken up and said that I'm not happy

]]> Sat, 12 Jun 2010 22:10:36 +0000 https://www.ohbaby.co.nz/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=33948&PID=1061413&title=helping-out-or-not#1061413 <![CDATA[Helping out or not.. : Babe wrote: Little_Red wrote:Interesting...]]> https://www.ohbaby.co.nz/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=33948&PID=1061066&title=helping-out-or-not#1061066 Author: fattartsrock
Subject: 33948
Posted: 12 June 2010 at 3:08pm

Babe wrote:

Little_Red wrote:

Interesting what you are saying Babe about people only coming forward who seem happy with their situation, I think the others have been scared off by the OP!

That wasn't quite what I meant but I do imagine it would be alot more difficult to share an area that you weren't happy about in your relationship if you felt you were going to be judged

That is EXACTLY what I am getting at!!
And the"pocklet money thing" - those of you that have posted that you do this have all said its a mutually agreed thing or whatever, and thats fine, but I have read on here when its not and I think, gosh, thats a bit harsh... And it makes me wonder how on earth they manage a healthy relationship when one person holds the balance of power...because money is power.

And I do like how most posters have said that they discuss the house/helping out etc with their SO's and it also seems to be a mutually beneficial arrangement.

I haven't meant to SCARE people off, but if you are like that awful harridan in the tower ads, then YES I have no respect for you, or your poor emascualted husband/SO! ]]> Sat, 12 Jun 2010 15:08:27 +0000 https://www.ohbaby.co.nz/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=33948&PID=1061066&title=helping-out-or-not#1061066 <![CDATA[Helping out or not.. : Totally agree with both sides...]]> https://www.ohbaby.co.nz/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=33948&PID=1060951&title=helping-out-or-not#1060951 Author: gmunster
Subject: 33948
Posted: 12 June 2010 at 11:20am

Totally agree with both sides of this story!!

When DD was born I was a SAHM for 5 months and no bones whatsoever about doing everything - it was my job. Plus to be fair with only one child very young I still had plenty of time while she was asleep! I am a neat freak too so enjoyed ensuring house was sorted, tea always ready, fire wood, coal, washing etc. To be fair DH has never really done much around the house - am lucky if he puts a dish in the dishwasher really - in his house it is VERY much a case of the females to all the work regardless of how busy they too have been during the day.

At 5 months I went back to work 3 days a week. Even then I didn't mind doing everything as I still had plenty of time.

However, now I am on the other side of the fence. I am back at work 40 hours a week. DH also works (farmer) but it is winter so there is no milking and hours are singificantly less. So I am no expecting a little more around the house!! Even just the dishes after I have cooked would be nice! Or a load of washing in the machine so I can sort it when I get home. Pretty much it is go go go go for me as soon as I have picked up DD and got in the door at 530. DH sits on the computer with a beer - I run round sorting things. hmmmmmmmm So have broached the subject but not had any winners yet - might have to try again or I am likely to bust! to top it all off I am preg so even a little bit of help would be nice. BUT once again, when I get to Nov and am home again full time, I have no issue again taking care of everything as it is my job!!!

So yes - can see and have experienced both sides of the story!!

]]> Sat, 12 Jun 2010 11:20:32 +0000 https://www.ohbaby.co.nz/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=33948&PID=1060951&title=helping-out-or-not#1060951 <![CDATA[Helping out or not.. : lol Babe ! thanks im already realising...]]> https://www.ohbaby.co.nz/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=33948&PID=1060948&title=helping-out-or-not#1060948 Author: TheKelly
Subject: 33948
Posted: 12 June 2010 at 11:06am

lol Babe ! thanks im already realising all the "fun" stuff I get to go through ...for the last time tho

Thanks Troods !

Sorry for the thread jacks Annie ....they started it

]]> Sat, 12 Jun 2010 11:06:48 +0000 https://www.ohbaby.co.nz/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=33948&PID=1060948&title=helping-out-or-not#1060948 <![CDATA[Helping out or not.. : Is it super bad to say I'm...]]> https://www.ohbaby.co.nz/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=33948&PID=1060920&title=helping-out-or-not#1060920 Author: Babe
Subject: 33948
Posted: 12 June 2010 at 10:23am

Is it super bad to say I'm jealous?? LOL DP got abit of a horrified look on his face when I told him bout the new ticker and promptly informed me that if I was thinking what he thought I was thinking then forget it

apparently I've promised to give him a year! :sigh: oh well I'll just enjoy watching you suffer... I mean enjoy

your pregnancy Kelly!! (Yeah I'm jealous of the ticker not the actual being pregnant hahaha...)]]> Sat, 12 Jun 2010 10:23:19 +0000 https://www.ohbaby.co.nz/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=33948&PID=1060920&title=helping-out-or-not#1060920 <![CDATA[Helping out or not.. : I see a new ticker so I'm...]]> https://www.ohbaby.co.nz/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=33948&PID=1060798&title=helping-out-or-not#1060798 Author: Troods
Subject: 33948
Posted: 12 June 2010 at 7:35am

I see a new ticker so I'm gonna go completely OT too and say a huge congrats to Kelly - CONGRATS!!!!

]]> Sat, 12 Jun 2010 07:35:02 +0000 https://www.ohbaby.co.nz/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=33948&PID=1060798&title=helping-out-or-not#1060798 <![CDATA[Helping out or not.. : Thanks Emz! ]]> https://www.ohbaby.co.nz/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=33948&PID=1060780&title=helping-out-or-not#1060780 Author: TheKelly
Subject: 33948
Posted: 12 June 2010 at 12:00am

Thanks Emz!

]]> Sat, 12 Jun 2010 00:00:46 +0000 https://www.ohbaby.co.nz/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=33948&PID=1060780&title=helping-out-or-not#1060780 <![CDATA[Helping out or not.. : Completely OT - congrats Kelly!...]]> https://www.ohbaby.co.nz/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=33948&PID=1060776&title=helping-out-or-not#1060776 Author: emz
Subject: 33948
Posted: 11 June 2010 at 11:48pm

Completely OT - congrats Kelly!]]> Fri, 11 Jun 2010 23:48:06 +0000 https://www.ohbaby.co.nz/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=33948&PID=1060776&title=helping-out-or-not#1060776 <![CDATA[Helping out or not.. : Little_Red wrote:Interesting...]]> https://www.ohbaby.co.nz/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=33948&PID=1060636&title=helping-out-or-not#1060636 Author: Shelt
Subject: 33948
Posted: 11 June 2010 at 8:43pm

Little_Red wrote:

Interesting what you are saying Babe about people only coming forward who seem happy with their situation..

Just wanted to say that I have been following this thread with interest. I am a single mum so obviously mostly this doesn't apply to me but the fact that there is such a wide variation in what people do and yet you all seem relatively happy with your situations gives me a bit of hope. I didn't have a great home life with my ex but I love that lots of people do - there is hope for me yet and I dont need to give up on men completely coz there are some nice understanding ones out there

]]> Fri, 11 Jun 2010 20:43:50 +0000 https://www.ohbaby.co.nz/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=33948&PID=1060636&title=helping-out-or-not#1060636 <![CDATA[Helping out or not.. : jazzy wrote:After reading this...]]> https://www.ohbaby.co.nz/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=33948&PID=1060467&title=helping-out-or-not#1060467 Author: flakesitchyfeet
Subject: 33948
Posted: 11 June 2010 at 6:42pm

jazzy wrote:

After reading this thread it is obvious to me that what works for some does not work for others & visa verse.....but what I don't get is the ones that are against the ones that give there partners an allowance but agree on set amounts for each other...there is no differences to me.

I guess it depends on finances and spending habits. For example, DH and I have been dating since we were 13. We've always treated our income as 'our income', because we've been through the student/study/saving for holiday/saving for baby stages together, and working at different times etc. We've got goals, but we're profilic spenders.

So our pocket money, is our individual 'Yes we can eat junk food and know that our budget won't be blown' money. Our budget is anal though, every cent is labeled for finishing the house, christmas, holiday, medical and emergency etc etc. But to be 23 and a SAHM with a mortgage we can afford and few financial worries makes it worth it IMHO!]]> Fri, 11 Jun 2010 18:42:30 +0000 https://www.ohbaby.co.nz/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=33948&PID=1060467&title=helping-out-or-not#1060467 <![CDATA[Helping out or not.. : After reading this thread it is...]]> https://www.ohbaby.co.nz/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=33948&PID=1060424&title=helping-out-or-not#1060424 Author: jazzy
Subject: 33948
Posted: 11 June 2010 at 5:51pm

After reading this thread it is obvious to me that what works for some does not work for others & visa verse.....but what I don't get is the ones that are against the ones that give there partners an allowance but agree on set amounts for each other...there is no differences to me.

DH & I don't do allowances or set amounts a week...we get what we want when we want & we are both saving for joint things so don't feel the need to over spend weekly.

Babe I think you had a good point about balance in relationships, as not all relationships are 50/50 at home & they are not all 50/50 at work. I think what ever works for your family is the way to go.

I also think if you want to be a SAHM then you do the things that come with that job. But I do understand that not everyone can cope with the load so no offense to them. I have 3 kids, have worked part time, studied & kept house but that me I & I love my life & I am lucky to be able to do what I do.

]]> Fri, 11 Jun 2010 17:51:33 +0000 https://www.ohbaby.co.nz/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=33948&PID=1060424&title=helping-out-or-not#1060424 <![CDATA[Helping out or not.. : Babe, so true! ]]> https://www.ohbaby.co.nz/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=33948&PID=1060268&title=helping-out-or-not#1060268 Author: mummyofprinces
Subject: 33948
Posted: 11 June 2010 at 3:36pm

Babe, so true!

]]> Fri, 11 Jun 2010 15:36:12 +0000 https://www.ohbaby.co.nz/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=33948&PID=1060268&title=helping-out-or-not#1060268 <![CDATA[Helping out or not.. : Little_Red wrote:Interesting...]]> https://www.ohbaby.co.nz/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=33948&PID=1060249&title=helping-out-or-not#1060249 Author: Babe
Subject: 33948
Posted: 11 June 2010 at 3:12pm

Little_Red wrote:

Interesting what you are saying Babe about people only coming forward who seem happy with their situation, I think the others have been scared off by the OP!

That wasn't quite what I meant but I do imagine it would be alot more difficult to share an area that you weren't happy about in your relationship if you felt you were going to be judged

I think I understand where the OP is coming from though. I laugh at the Tower ads but cringe too. Talk about emasculation!!!! On the odd occasion I've seen that type of relationship in RL it turns my stomach. Theres something awful about watching one person treat another with such disrespect or care!! If I'm right in assuming that its the lack of respect and dignity in a relationship that the OP has a problem with then I gotta agree with that.]]> Fri, 11 Jun 2010 15:12:30 +0000 https://www.ohbaby.co.nz/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=33948&PID=1060249&title=helping-out-or-not#1060249 <![CDATA[Helping out or not.. : Interesting what you are saying...]]> https://www.ohbaby.co.nz/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=33948&PID=1060208&title=helping-out-or-not#1060208 Author: GuestGuest
Subject: 33948
Posted: 11 June 2010 at 2:31pm

Interesting what you are saying Babe about people only coming forward who seem happy with their situation, I think the others have been scared off by the OP!]]> Fri, 11 Jun 2010 14:31:27 +0000 https://www.ohbaby.co.nz/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=33948&PID=1060208&title=helping-out-or-not#1060208 <![CDATA[Helping out or not.. : naww thanks guys ! ]]> https://www.ohbaby.co.nz/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=33948&PID=1060193&title=helping-out-or-not#1060193 Author: TheKelly
Subject: 33948
Posted: 11 June 2010 at 2:15pm

naww thanks guys !

]]> Fri, 11 Jun 2010 14:15:35 +0000 https://www.ohbaby.co.nz/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=33948&PID=1060193&title=helping-out-or-not#1060193 <![CDATA[Helping out or not.. : eEEEEEEEEEEEK! Me too! Congrats...]]> https://www.ohbaby.co.nz/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=33948&PID=1060188&title=helping-out-or-not#1060188 Author: flakesitchyfeet
Subject: 33948
Posted: 11 June 2010 at 2:12pm

eEEEEEEEEEEEK!
Me too!
Congrats Kelly

Edited by Flake]]> Fri, 11 Jun 2010 14:12:02 +0000 https://www.ohbaby.co.nz/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=33948&PID=1060188&title=helping-out-or-not#1060188 <![CDATA[Helping out or not.. : Hey you!! LOVE the new ticker ]]> https://www.ohbaby.co.nz/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=33948&PID=1060178&title=helping-out-or-not#1060178 Author: Babe
Subject: 33948
Posted: 11 June 2010 at 2:04pm

Hey you!! LOVE the new ticker

]]> Fri, 11 Jun 2010 14:04:38 +0000 https://www.ohbaby.co.nz/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=33948&PID=1060178&title=helping-out-or-not#1060178 <![CDATA[Helping out or not.. : Too true Babe , too true ]]> https://www.ohbaby.co.nz/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=33948&PID=1060176&title=helping-out-or-not#1060176 Author: TheKelly
Subject: 33948
Posted: 11 June 2010 at 2:02pm

Too true Babe , too true

]]> Fri, 11 Jun 2010 14:02:07 +0000 https://www.ohbaby.co.nz/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=33948&PID=1060176&title=helping-out-or-not#1060176 <![CDATA[Helping out or not.. : Flake wrote:I used to believe...]]> https://www.ohbaby.co.nz/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=33948&PID=1060170&title=helping-out-or-not#1060170 Author: Babe
Subject: 33948
Posted: 11 June 2010 at 1:56pm

Flake wrote:

I used to believe that I should manage all the night wakings etc, all the baby stuff because that was my job, he earned the money. I was getting over tired and stressed.

He sat me down, and explained that we both work a 40hour week, he brings in the dollars, I look after the house and DD. He likes coming home to a happy wifey. Occasionally, getting up to DD during the night is a treat, he enjoys that time with her. And once he's home, responsibilites should be divied. He does the bath and night routine, on the rare occasion if I think he's just had enough I'll do it for him. I'll do the dishes in this time. I try and do tea most nights but occasionally let him.

I manage the finances - I have big crazy goals for our family! He doesn't give a toss, but we agree on our pocket money, and big expenditures.

Basically, he wants balance. This is his way of achieving it. Seems I am rather lucky.

Yep DP sat me down too.

I think that if both people in the partnership are happy, if both are satisfied with the balance of things then however you work things is fine - be it traditional or uhm 'squewiff' lol its when one person is unhappy and feels things are unfair or unequal that there is an issue, and thats probably more the situation where the OPs opinion comes into play.
Seems that most people commenting on this thread are happy with their family arrangements and so are their SOs, which is the important thing.]]> Fri, 11 Jun 2010 13:56:54 +0000 https://www.ohbaby.co.nz/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=33948&PID=1060170&title=helping-out-or-not#1060170 <![CDATA[Helping out or not.. : I think I'll marry you Fiona...]]> https://www.ohbaby.co.nz/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=33948&PID=1060139&title=helping-out-or-not#1060139 Author: fire_engine
Subject: 33948
Posted: 11 June 2010 at 1:35pm

I think I'll marry you Fiona

I hope our DH's don't compare notes at work

I have to say our house is NOT tidy when DH comes home as it's the middle of witching hour and Dan is busy creating chaos with his fort, trains, cars AND books and it's easier to go with the flow. ]]> Fri, 11 Jun 2010 13:35:35 +0000 https://www.ohbaby.co.nz/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=33948&PID=1060139&title=helping-out-or-not#1060139 <![CDATA[Helping out or not.. : caliandjack wrote: FionaS...]]> https://www.ohbaby.co.nz/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=33948&PID=1060131&title=helping-out-or-not#1060131 Author: fattartsrock
Subject: 33948
Posted: 11 June 2010 at 1:30pm

caliandjack wrote:

FionaS wrote:

My only concern with operating this way is that I don't want to unwittingly enforce my way of doing things on my girls. I'm a perfectionist who loves to be busy but I don't expect them to be the same - if they thrive in mess then hopefully they'll take on board some of our tidiness

but not feel suffocated by it. I'm working on relaxing some of my perfectionist tendancies for this very reason. Their Dad is very hands on with them so hopefully they will benefit from that.

I wouldn't worry too much about how it impacts on your kids - my mum was a neat freak and I'm very messy caused alsorts of clashes when I was younger but I never changed.

Lol my parents were messy, well my mum was, dad was always on at her about it, and I was messy too, then I got my own place and also gained some pride in my surroundings. Now I'm quite the neat freak, lol

]]> Fri, 11 Jun 2010 13:30:56 +0000 https://www.ohbaby.co.nz/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=33948&PID=1060131&title=helping-out-or-not#1060131 <![CDATA[Helping out or not.. : FionaS wrote:My only concern...]]> https://www.ohbaby.co.nz/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=33948&PID=1059770&title=helping-out-or-not#1059770 Author: caliandjack
Subject: 33948
Posted: 11 June 2010 at 7:43am

but not feel suffocated by it. I'm working on relaxing some of my perfectionist tendancies for this very reason. Their Dad is very hands on with them so hopefully they will benefit from that.

I wouldn't worry too much about how it impacts on your kids - my mum was a neat freak and I'm very messy caused alsorts of clashes when I was younger but I never changed.

]]> Fri, 11 Jun 2010 07:43:46 +0000 https://www.ohbaby.co.nz/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=33948&PID=1059770&title=helping-out-or-not#1059770 <![CDATA[Helping out or not.. : I used to believe that I should...]]> https://www.ohbaby.co.nz/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=33948&PID=1059750&title=helping-out-or-not#1059750 Author: flakesitchyfeet
Subject: 33948
Posted: 11 June 2010 at 6:49am

I used to believe that I should manage all the night wakings etc, all the baby stuff because that was my job, he earned the money. I was getting over tired and stressed.

He sat me down, and explained that we both work a 40hour week, he brings in the dollars, I look after the house and DD. He likes coming home to a happy wifey. Occasionally, getting up to DD during the night is a treat, he enjoys that time with her. And once he's home, responsibilites should be divied. He does the bath and night routine, on the rare occasion if I think he's just had enough I'll do it for him. I'll do the dishes in this time. I try and do tea most nights but occasionally let him.

I get up to DD at around 6, and take her till 7. He gets up then too and uses that first hour as his chill out time, before helping us get ready for the morning.

I manage the finances - I have big crazy goals for our family! He doesn't give a toss, but we agree on our pocket money, and big expenditures.

Basically, he wants balance. This is his way of achieving it. Seems I am rather lucky.

In saying all of that, he is a manager, and his workplace is right next door....we have zero commute time

]]> Fri, 11 Jun 2010 06:49:01 +0000 https://www.ohbaby.co.nz/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=33948&PID=1059750&title=helping-out-or-not#1059750 <![CDATA[Helping out or not.. : I work 15 hrs a week and also...]]> https://www.ohbaby.co.nz/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=33948&PID=1059707&title=helping-out-or-not#1059707 Author: Blankney94
Subject: 33948
Posted: 10 June 2010 at 10:32pm

I work 15 hrs a week and also study part time in the evenings or when Brooke is asleep.

Basically for us 5pm is 50/50 time. DH comes home from work. We usually sort of 'tag team' to get the evening routine done. The first thing DH wants to do is play with Brooke, so he entertains her while I finish cooking. He feeds her while we have tea (only because I'm the slowest eater in the world!).

Next Brooke heads to the shower, mostly with DH. I buzz around in the background and get Brooke's bedtime bottle sorted and clean up the kitchen and living areas.

So yeah, it's kinda 50/50 in the evenings. In the weekends I am very lucky that I have a proactive DH who LOVES spending time with Brooke. He also knows that I am under a bit of pressure at the moment from various avenues, so he allows me to have time to myself. He is very laidback.

The other thing that works well with DH and I is that he is an earlybird and I am a nightowl. This was a bone of contention when we were childless, but now we have a child it is something we use to our benefit!

]]> Thu, 10 Jun 2010 22:32:35 +0000 https://www.ohbaby.co.nz/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=33948&PID=1059707&title=helping-out-or-not#1059707 <![CDATA[Helping out or not.. : Ahh Fiona you so eloquently put...]]> https://www.ohbaby.co.nz/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=33948&PID=1059692&title=helping-out-or-not#1059692 Author: fattartsrock
Subject: 33948
Posted: 10 June 2010 at 10:21pm

Ahh Fiona you so eloquently put it he way I meant to about how we work, or rather why I like to do it myself! It works for us and you guys too, obviously and the upside is the mess and chaos is never an issue there fore there is no resentment toward either of us cos its got that way.
I also really like having the kids and house organised so they are in bed for 6.30 and the house is tidy, and once we eat, we have th ewhole night ahead of us just relaxing!]]> Thu, 10 Jun 2010 22:21:26 +0000 https://www.ohbaby.co.nz/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=33948&PID=1059692&title=helping-out-or-not#1059692 <![CDATA[Helping out or not.. : I'd have to say I'm...]]> https://www.ohbaby.co.nz/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=33948&PID=1059683&title=helping-out-or-not#1059683 Author: FionaS
Subject: 33948
Posted: 10 June 2010 at 10:15pm

I'd have to say I'm fairly traditional. That is, I like to do things a certain way but in no way expect others to be the same.

I need some degree of order around me so I work hard to keep up to date with cleaning, tidying etc. If the house is is mess, I feel stressed. I'm ok with functional mess through the day e.g. toys etc but like it sorted by the end of the day, every day. I keep myself to pretty strict routines e.g. I vacuume the living areas at least once every 2 days, clean the shower while I am in it twice a week etc. I find by keeping up to date with these sorts of things I can be more spontaneous with the girls.

When DH comes home, 95% of the time, the kids are fed, the house tidied, toys away, lounge vacuumed & dinner cooked. If possible I clean the kitchen as I go so it is clean before we eat. The girls are usually in the bath and he chooses to come in, have a quick drink and then hang with them for a bit. He will then get Miss 3 into her pjs and read to her while I put the baby to bed.

Then he relaxes on the couch while I serve up dinner. 50% of the time he will wash the dishes.

Other than reading to Elle, doing dishes sometimes & mowing the lawns (oh and cleaning the gutterings!!!), I don't expect DH to do anything around the house. I am content doing it all myself. He is always happy to play with the girls for a couple of hours on the weekend if I want to go out on my own for a bit. Spending time with them is not a chore for him at all. I think he often feels he misses out by being at work so he loves being with them on weekends.

I know DH would happily cook or clean but I simply prefer to do it myself. I thrive on being busy and being organised.

I'm a SAHM spend lots of time playing with Miss 3 during the day but when I have windows of time for cooking/cleaning etc I just make sure I work efficiently to keep on top of things. I don't sit down much between the hours of 7am and 8pm but I like it that way

How does this affect our relationship? Not sure really! We are both happy, there is no nagging, he appreciates the way I do things and often reassures me that he'd be fine with it if I did fall behind with stuff. I appreciate him, the energy he puts into his work & the fact he is so great with the girls. If anything we are just a bit boring really!

I suppose the only downfall is that if I am unwell or something I STILL feel the need to keep up with things so might wear myself out more than I should.

My only concern with operating this way is that I don't want to unwittingly enforce my way of doing things on my girls. I'm a perfectionist who loves to be busy but I don't expect them to be the same - if they thrive in mess then hopefully they'll take on board some of our tidiness

but not feel suffocated by it. I'm working on relaxing some of my perfectionist tendancies for this very reason. Their Dad is very hands on with them so hopefully they will benefit from that.]]> Thu, 10 Jun 2010 22:15:25 +0000 https://www.ohbaby.co.nz/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=33948&PID=1059683&title=helping-out-or-not#1059683 <![CDATA[Helping out or not.. : As for complaining about DH on...]]> https://www.ohbaby.co.nz/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=33948&PID=1059615&title=helping-out-or-not#1059615 Author: LittleBug
Subject: 33948
Posted: 10 June 2010 at 9:14pm

As for complaining about DH on occasion, sometimes it's nice to just vent about something, which is what I assume others do. But I have to say that he is AWESOME, does at least as much as me around the house, maybe more; he takes the kids when I need a break, and vice versa; he lets me sleep in when I'm sick or tired, and vice versa; he supports me in all my hectic study; he's a fantastic dad; and he doesn't complain about having to do so much compared to a lot of other guys that we know. But then again our life is quite hectic compared to most people we know

]]> Thu, 10 Jun 2010 21:14:42 +0000 https://www.ohbaby.co.nz/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=33948&PID=1059615&title=helping-out-or-not#1059615 <![CDATA[Helping out or not.. : I find it much easier to study/work...]]> https://www.ohbaby.co.nz/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=33948&PID=1059606&title=helping-out-or-not#1059606 Author: LittleBug
Subject: 33948
Posted: 10 June 2010 at 9:08pm

I find it much easier to study/work than be a SAHM. Hubby feels the same, he took some time off work when Ollie was born and I wasn't well, so he knows what it is like at home and often will joke about how he's going to work for a break

He's a chef so is on his feet all day as well. We both find it really draining to be at home with the kids, although I guess that with a two and one year old it's hard with two in nappies/teething/learning boundaries etc. I feel like I'm constantly needing to be a step ahead of them both to keep the peace around here. There is nothing relaxing about it, most days! Might not help that there is barely any time between Ollie's ear infections in the last year.

I do fulltime study and DH works fulltime, so it's shared duties around here. Whoever is home does whatever needs doing. Usually DH gets home about an hour after me, so does get dumped with kids and chores and things, same as when I get home. We both relax and breathe once the kids are in bed. As for a "day off", we spend time together as a family on Saturday, and any other "time off" is negotiated with each other about who wants/needs what.

As for finances we have a joint account. We don't have "spending money" as such, we just run most spends past each other, and generally don't eat out, get coffee etc. on our own as we don't usually have anything left over. I organise payment of all the bills and things though, because DH can't be bothered organising it so passed the job on to me

so that means occasionally he will ask if there is enough money to buy such-and-such, and I say no, sorry, not this pay. It's not me being mean, he understands that, it's just that we can't afford it atm.]]> Thu, 10 Jun 2010 21:08:55 +0000 https://www.ohbaby.co.nz/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=33948&PID=1059606&title=helping-out-or-not#1059606 <![CDATA[Helping out or not.. : Interesting thread, I haven't...]]> https://www.ohbaby.co.nz/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=33948&PID=1059430&title=helping-out-or-not#1059430 Author: jano1
Subject: 33948
Posted: 10 June 2010 at 7:15pm

Interesting thread, I haven't read all the replies but am home from work with a glass of wine, dinner in the oven, child in bed and my 2 cents to share

In our house pretty much everything is equal- cleaning, cooking, child wrangling. I work part time and DH gets her ready in the mornings and drops off and picks up on those days as I have to travel about 50mins to work. When at home I am the main child carer. The way I figure- I earn money, he earns money but we both contribute equally (financially) so we both share all other responsibilities.

When I was a SAHM during my maternity leave I was confused about the role reversal as all of a sudden I was expected to do all the usual SAHM work. I resented that I guess as DH works from home and it was a little overwhelming at first. Now that I am back at work our responsibilities have shifted back to the centre which suits BOTH of us much better, we don't fight or argue over who is cooking and who puts DD to bed etc.

Whatever works is my motto for a peaceful and happy homelife- IMO working is so much easier than being a SAHM, and most guys (not all) couldn't handle it for more than a month. My hat goes off to SAHMs.

Everyone's relationships are different and you can't compare apples and oranges. We have never been in a situation where one of us financially supported the other so I don't know any different I guess. ]]> Thu, 10 Jun 2010 19:15:33 +0000 https://www.ohbaby.co.nz/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=33948&PID=1059430&title=helping-out-or-not#1059430 <![CDATA[Helping out or not.. : haha Julia classic! ]]> https://www.ohbaby.co.nz/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=33948&PID=1059145&title=helping-out-or-not#1059145 Author: Bobbie
Subject: 33948
Posted: 10 June 2010 at 3:26pm

haha Julia classic!

]]> Thu, 10 Jun 2010 15:26:35 +0000 https://www.ohbaby.co.nz/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=33948&PID=1059145&title=helping-out-or-not#1059145 <![CDATA[Helping out or not.. : lilfatty wrote: fattartsrock...]]> https://www.ohbaby.co.nz/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=33948&PID=1059066&title=helping-out-or-not#1059066 Author: Peanut
Subject: 33948
Posted: 10 June 2010 at 2:34pm

lilfatty wrote:

fattartsrock wrote:

Also pays to remember that men aren't mind readers!

Most men cant even read instructions, so how they would read minds is beyond me.

Brilliant! I love it

]]> Thu, 10 Jun 2010 14:34:54 +0000 https://www.ohbaby.co.nz/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=33948&PID=1059066&title=helping-out-or-not#1059066 <![CDATA[Helping out or not.. : lilfatty wrote: fattartsrock...]]> https://www.ohbaby.co.nz/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=33948&PID=1059056&title=helping-out-or-not#1059056 Author: fattartsrock
Subject: 33948
Posted: 10 June 2010 at 2:31pm

lilfatty wrote:

fattartsrock wrote:

Also pays to remember that men aren't mind readers!

Most men cant even read instructions, so how they would read minds is beyond me.

Oh I am hearing you there!!!! Setting up some hot wheel tracks witout looking at the instructions was a recipie for disaster....]]> Thu, 10 Jun 2010 14:31:50 +0000 https://www.ohbaby.co.nz/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=33948&PID=1059056&title=helping-out-or-not#1059056 <![CDATA[Helping out or not.. : fattartsrock wrote: Also pays...]]> https://www.ohbaby.co.nz/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=33948&PID=1059052&title=helping-out-or-not#1059052 Author: lilfatty
Subject: 33948
Posted: 10 June 2010 at 2:29pm

fattartsrock wrote:

Also pays to remember that men aren't mind readers!

Most men cant even read instructions, so how they would read minds is beyond me.

]]> Thu, 10 Jun 2010 14:29:25 +0000 https://www.ohbaby.co.nz/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=33948&PID=1059052&title=helping-out-or-not#1059052 <![CDATA[Helping out or not.. : I think the keys are talk about...]]> https://www.ohbaby.co.nz/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=33948&PID=1059038&title=helping-out-or-not#1059038 Author: fattartsrock
Subject: 33948
Posted: 10 June 2010 at 2:24pm

I think the keys are talk about it (not nag) don't compare jobs and who has it harder, because no one wins...both partners have hard parts and easy parts to the job, and comparing just makes one or both of you feel resentful.
And basic respect and treating each other like adults.
And the money thing?
Yeah it is soooo blimmin hard going from earning your own money and frittering it away on shoes and perfume *ahem guilty* to being reliant on your partners wage. You both need to talk about money and job share and not expect or assume anything nor take each other for granted.
Also pays to remember that men aren't mind readers!]]> Thu, 10 Jun 2010 14:24:39 +0000 https://www.ohbaby.co.nz/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=33948&PID=1059038&title=helping-out-or-not#1059038 <![CDATA[Helping out or not.. : I'm glad you started this...]]> https://www.ohbaby.co.nz/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=33948&PID=1059005&title=helping-out-or-not#1059005 Author: caliandjack
Subject: 33948
Posted: 10 June 2010 at 2:02pm

I'm glad you started this topic - mostly cause I'm yet to enter the uncharted waters of being a first time mum and while I have grand plans of what I would like to do - these will no doubt get tipped on their ear once this baby actually arrives.

I've no idea what will work and its good to have different ideas incase the first one doesn't work.

]]> Thu, 10 Jun 2010 14:02:14 +0000 https://www.ohbaby.co.nz/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=33948&PID=1059005&title=helping-out-or-not#1059005 <![CDATA[Helping out or not.. : This thread made me start thinking...]]> https://www.ohbaby.co.nz/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=33948&PID=1059002&title=helping-out-or-not#1059002 Author: SMoody
Subject: 33948
Posted: 10 June 2010 at 1:59pm

This thread made me start thinking and and rethinking my thoughts on this. So I actually asked hubby about this last night and we discussed it a bit.

I asked him straight out if I am actually doing a good enough "job" and if there is things I should be doing that I am not. And his answer was nope. Doing a great job and the only thing is that he himself feels like he should actually help out a bit more. But because it sometimes feels to him that I am coping and I am doing it then he feels a bit more "lazy" and then just leave me to it. (his words not mine)

But from my side: He often comes in from a hard day work and when he sees I have had a hard day as well he often gets out of his leathers (he rides a motorbike home and it takes an hour) and offers me a cup of tea and tells me to sit down.

But he told me that I do the same for him. He sometimes doesnt even have to tell me that he has a hard day and he comes in and I just scoop kids out of the way, try to get them off him and into something else so he can just have a time to just relax.

So again for me it still just come down to negotiation and a relationship. It is not about who has it harder or what not. If you are not coping. Speak up. I mean your partner loves you and wants life easier for you. Same what you want for them.

That is not to say I dont sometimes throw a tantry over silly little things. (but in all honesty it doesnt really accomplish much as both of us just huff and puff and in the end of the day it only gets resolved if you communicate.)]]> Thu, 10 Jun 2010 13:59:40 +0000 https://www.ohbaby.co.nz/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=33948&PID=1059002&title=helping-out-or-not#1059002 <![CDATA[Helping out or not.. : Renee & Lauren wrote:I have...]]> https://www.ohbaby.co.nz/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=33948&PID=1058964&title=helping-out-or-not#1058964 Author: fattartsrock
Subject: 33948
Posted: 10 June 2010 at 1:37pm

Renee & Lauren wrote:

I have to ask why would you even think about starting a topic like this. In MY mind whatever works for your own family is fine but not everyone is the same!

2 reasons...a wee discussion about it was hijacking the confession thread
And I was also really interested as to why some people do things one way and others another and what effects it has on your partnership.
And it hasn't tunred too feral, so all good in the hood!

Edited by fattartsrock]]> Thu, 10 Jun 2010 13:37:37 +0000 https://www.ohbaby.co.nz/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=33948&PID=1058964&title=helping-out-or-not#1058964 <![CDATA[Helping out or not.. : fattartsrock wrote:Yep, I agree...]]> https://www.ohbaby.co.nz/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=33948&PID=1058822&title=helping-out-or-not#1058822 Author: Skrip
Subject: 33948
Posted: 10 June 2010 at 11:17am

fattartsrock wrote:

Yep, I agree that my opinion is arrogant, but thats just me. I don't pussy foot round, all pc bullsh*t and stuff. Just going on what I read I am appalled the way some of you guys think its ok to treat your other halves, yet if the tables were turned thre would be hell to pay!

I certainly don't wait on my husband hand and foot nor does he not help, however I respect that he does work damn hard all day (as do I) and i'm not going to pick a fight with him becasue he dosen't vaccuum or clean the shower. Not worth it! I'm happy to let him do the fun playing stuff at the end of the day (and like others, my kids are super excited for Daddy to come home) however I think its nice for him to come home and the house hasn't descended into chaos and no one is screaming and kids are fed and clean. That happens about 20 mins after he is home...lol

As long as we both agree

Yes it is nice for DF to come home to a clean house and dinner cooked for him but I think he appreciates that is won't happen everyday.]]> Thu, 10 Jun 2010 11:17:06 +0000 https://www.ohbaby.co.nz/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=33948&PID=1058822&title=helping-out-or-not#1058822 <![CDATA[Helping out or not.. : I have to ask why would you even...]]> https://www.ohbaby.co.nz/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=33948&PID=1058783&title=helping-out-or-not#1058783 Author: Renee & Lauren
Subject: 33948
Posted: 10 June 2010 at 10:41am

I have to ask why would you even think about starting a topic like this. In MY mind whatever works for your own family is fine but not everyone is the same!

]]> Thu, 10 Jun 2010 10:41:13 +0000 https://www.ohbaby.co.nz/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=33948&PID=1058783&title=helping-out-or-not#1058783 <![CDATA[Helping out or not.. : One of my old colleagues (male)...]]> https://www.ohbaby.co.nz/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=33948&PID=1058619&title=helping-out-or-not#1058619 Author: JessDub
Subject: 33948
Posted: 10 June 2010 at 7:31am

One of my old colleagues (male) has three kids under five. He would get up to them at night, no problem. He reckoned that with your kids, you get out what you put in.

I totally agree. I've told DH this but I didn't really need to, as he is a fantastic dad and I couldn't ask for better really.

In fact, I told him recently I was getting up to DS at night coz I wasn't paid enough

- though it's easier for DH as his approach is no nonsense and DS sees me coming and plays up.]]> Thu, 10 Jun 2010 07:31:47 +0000 https://www.ohbaby.co.nz/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=33948&PID=1058619&title=helping-out-or-not#1058619 <![CDATA[Helping out or not.. : oh is this thread about husband...]]> https://www.ohbaby.co.nz/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=33948&PID=1058550&title=helping-out-or-not#1058550 Author: Bobbie
Subject: 33948
Posted: 09 June 2010 at 10:18pm

oh is this thread about husband appreciation or lack thereof? Man I got the wrong end of the stick then.

I

my husband! He is amazing. He carried more than his share of the load when I was so sick with PND I could hardly get out of bed and bathe myself let alone manage my baby. And then this time around he had to do it again. And he has never once complained about that.

He has been unwavering in his support and love for me. He is always there to listen and help. He sat and cried with me when we went through hell with Morgan with her reflux and inability to feed.

He gets up through the night as needed to help with the girls. He cleans up toddler vomit.

I will never be able to thank him enough for all that he's done for me. I

that he comes through the door at night and wants to play with the kids. I

that he considers being a father his greatest acheivement.

But you know, like all SO's he sometimes drives me nuts with things he does. So when people on here bag their partners I just see it as their way to healthily vent rather than take it out on the actual person.

And according to him I make him a better person and support him too and because he is happy to do it, I don't have any qualms about handing the kids over to him when I need to. I take them from him when he needs a break too - it works both ways. If I have to hand them to him when he walks in the door he understands because you can't choose the moments that it all gets too much.

Edited by Bobbie]]> Wed, 09 Jun 2010 22:18:27 +0000 https://www.ohbaby.co.nz/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=33948&PID=1058550&title=helping-out-or-not#1058550 <![CDATA[Helping out or not.. : Oh I totally agree Annie, I always...]]> https://www.ohbaby.co.nz/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=33948&PID=1058549&title=helping-out-or-not#1058549 Author: Shezamumof3
Subject: 33948
Posted: 09 June 2010 at 10:14pm

Oh I totally agree Annie, I always try and make sure my DH comes home to a clean house and happy kids, most nights I achieve that lol, some nights things go down the sh*tter

and he comes home to me pulling my hair out and rocking in a corner

The kids are usually in the process of having dinner when he gets home and dinner is 80% of the time cooking, he entertains them while I finish dinner and all that stuff.]]> Wed, 09 Jun 2010 22:14:32 +0000 https://www.ohbaby.co.nz/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=33948&PID=1058549&title=helping-out-or-not#1058549 <![CDATA[Helping out or not.. : i think it depends on the child...]]> https://www.ohbaby.co.nz/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=33948&PID=1058538&title=helping-out-or-not#1058538 Author: julz85
Subject: 33948
Posted: 09 June 2010 at 10:05pm

i think it depends on the child as to weather being a SAHM is easy or not . My daughter is very hard work , all my friends with kids , my partner ( who has a 5yr old and was around full time when she was a baby), even my mum have all said that amelia is one of the most difficult babies they have come across , i love her to bits , i really do but she just is not an easy child , she had colic/reflux for months and months , she would scream for hours on end every single day , i couldnt take her anywhere , even the mall as she would just scream and scream ( even now she has regular meltdowns when we are out, up until 8months old she woke 8-10times every single night , and now at 11months old she still wakes a few times a night ( the sleep sense programme worked for a cple of weeks until she strated teething ) , she would never take a bottle therefore i never got a break , i could not leave her with anyone as she would cry constantly the second i left the room ( and this was from a very early age not just the standard 9mth seperation anxiety stage) , during the day for months i could barely get anything done because she would just constantly cry and be unhappy . things have changed a bit in the last few months and has made it a bit easier but to be honest me working 20 hrs a week couldnt of come at a better time , i feel like going to work is my break ( and my job is by no stretch of the imagination easy) . i do miss her but it is very importnant for me to have a break ( and earn some much needed $$$ at the same time) . Life is soooooo much easier having my dp around (after being a solo mum ), TBH i feel like some people dont apreciate their DP/DH's enough , i think you really understand how hard it is when you have done it alone.

I do agree tho that older kids or other babies are quite easy work , iv looked after other babies/children a million times and they are nothing like my little miss , lets just say Amelias temprement matches her hair

]]> Wed, 09 Jun 2010 22:05:55 +0000 https://www.ohbaby.co.nz/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=33948&PID=1058538&title=helping-out-or-not#1058538 <![CDATA[Helping out or not.. : fattartsrock wrote:however...]]> https://www.ohbaby.co.nz/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=33948&PID=1058533&title=helping-out-or-not#1058533 Author: Babe
Subject: 33948
Posted: 09 June 2010 at 9:59pm

fattartsrock wrote:

however I think its nice for him to come home and the house hasn't descended into chaos and no one is screaming and kids are fed and clean. That happens about 20 mins after he is home...lol

I agree

quite apart from wanting to look after him in this small way, we both find it makes for a smoother start to the evening routine.]]> Wed, 09 Jun 2010 21:59:42 +0000 https://www.ohbaby.co.nz/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=33948&PID=1058533&title=helping-out-or-not#1058533 <![CDATA[Helping out or not.. : Yep, I agree that my opinion is...]]> https://www.ohbaby.co.nz/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=33948&PID=1058530&title=helping-out-or-not#1058530 Author: fattartsrock
Subject: 33948
Posted: 09 June 2010 at 9:55pm

Yep, I agree that my opinion is arrogant, but thats just me. I don't pussy foot round, all pc bullsh*t and stuff. Just going on what I read I am appalled the way some of you guys think its ok to treat your other halves, yet if the tables were turned thre would be hell to pay!

I certainly don't wait on my husband hand and foot nor does he not help, however I respect that he does work damn hard all day (as do I) and i'm not going to pick a fight with him becasue he dosen't vaccuum or clean the shower. Not worth it! I'm happy to let him do the fun playing stuff at the end of the day (and like others, my kids are super excited for Daddy to come home) however I think its nice for him to come home and the house hasn't descended into chaos and no one is screaming and kids are fed and clean. That happens about 20 mins after he is home...lol]]> Wed, 09 Jun 2010 21:55:36 +0000 https://www.ohbaby.co.nz/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=33948&PID=1058530&title=helping-out-or-not#1058530 <![CDATA[Helping out or not.. : Bobbie wrote: Plus babies going...]]> https://www.ohbaby.co.nz/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=33948&PID=1058511&title=helping-out-or-not#1058511 Author: Shezamumof3
Subject: 33948
Posted: 09 June 2010 at 9:42pm

Bobbie wrote:

Plus babies going nuts at the same time as toddlers can be more stressful than having your comp system go down and being screamed at by clients.

I agree. This is VERY hard to deal with, Isabella had terrible reflux, and often she would be going nuts and that would upset Caden, so Id have both of them going at it.
Being a SAHM might not be THAT physically tyring, but its very mentally tyring, and sometimes that is worse.]]> Wed, 09 Jun 2010 21:42:27 +0000 https://www.ohbaby.co.nz/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=33948&PID=1058511&title=helping-out-or-not#1058511 <![CDATA[Helping out or not.. : DP is in charge of all outside...]]> https://www.ohbaby.co.nz/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=33948&PID=1058492&title=helping-out-or-not#1058492 Author: Babe
Subject: 33948
Posted: 09 June 2010 at 9:29pm

DP is in charge of all outside stuff.
He's also straight into daddy-mode when he gets home coz Jake is so excited to see him. I don't agree that he needs 'downtime' when he gets home. Hes a dad. Fullstop. He doesn't get to pick and choose when he plays that role. In saying that we usually all crash out on the couch and have a chat about the day and what we're having for dinner and have a laugh at Jake then DP has a shower and Jake keeps him company (lol poor DP) while I finish cooking, then its dinnertime. DP does Jakes bath/bed routine while I do Ty then they're both into bed and if we're organised we might clean up the kitchen but usually not lol we just crash out.
DP most often unloads the dishwasher before he leaves for work. Otherwise he just chips in if he sees something needs doing. I appreciate anything he does round the house. He's also in charge of dinner once a week which means he 'puts his foot down' in his words lol and buys instant food which might be frozen pizza form supermarket or fish and chips or throws together whatever he thinks up from the pantry.
He also gets up to give Ty a bottle at 4am but he asked if he could do that coz he copes fine with his sleep being disturbed and I don't do disturbed sleep well AT ALL (its disgusting he's totally bright-eyed and bushy-tailed whereas I feel like the walking dead!!!).
Money-wise I sort everything out but he reckons I do it so much better than him so he actually gave me that job

we don't have allowances or anything. If either of us want something I just budget it in. I keep him up to date on everything I do and we check in with each other before we buy stuff.
I've worked in office positions and as shearer/shepherd so full-on physical and I gotta say being a SAHM for me is the most difficult job I've ever had. I love it and I don't regret my kids at all but I find it so draining. Its physical, emotional and mental. You have to be a mindreader, you have to be controlled even though you want to dangle that blardy toddler from the roof by his toes, you have to find the balance between comforter and disciplinarian, you have to watch everything you say or do coz little mr copycat is watching everything you say or do (and oh lord he doesn't miss a thing!!), you don't get sick days or weekends and while its totally worthwhile its incredibly full-on, all the time!]]> Wed, 09 Jun 2010 21:29:09 +0000 https://www.ohbaby.co.nz/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=33948&PID=1058492&title=helping-out-or-not#1058492 <![CDATA[Helping out or not.. : I haven't read all the posts...]]> https://www.ohbaby.co.nz/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=33948&PID=1058477&title=helping-out-or-not#1058477 Author: TheKelly
Subject: 33948
Posted: 09 June 2010 at 9:15pm

I haven't read all the posts so forgive me if I repeat what others have said .

First of all , let me say that I love my husband, hes my best friend and he works very hard for us, I have great admiration for him , not just for how hard he works , but for the strength of character he has , his kindness and his loyalty , amongst other things .

I love being a SAHM , I HATED working, any job where I have to be somewhere , I despise , and I love that I sometimes, If Ty lets me , blob on the couch watching Jeremy Kyle before starting the household chores, I love that I can do the chores when it suits me ,and they don;t need to be done straight away .
BUT some days drag and seem harder than others, somedays , even tho Im glad to be a SAHM and grateful that I can be , everything seems to get on top of me , days like this are good, it reminds me that Im only human , im not superwoman , and as much as I would like to pretend to be, I can't control everything .
I had a night like that tonight , Ty was whinging , my hands were dirty from cutting raw chicken , C was singing the most ANNOYING song (shake your whammy fanny funky town funky town) and I was not sure where to start ,who to sort out first , I was just wishing , praying that DH would walk through the door .
And then, like my knight in shining armor he did, and took Ty for me allowing me to breath for 5 minutes, on nights like this , I NEED him to help , and at the time I probably dont even ask, just hand him the baby , spatula , or whatever, but I appreciate him and he knows I appreciate him , I show my appreciation by having dinner on the table for him , his clothes washed and folded and put away , and you know, in other areas too

He helps with kids, because he wants to help with the kids and even if he didn't , I would still push for him to do some of the night routine with them , for their sakes rather than mine, I think it helps build relationships, I don't want to be seen as the strict parent and him the parent thats there for the fun stuff, I want us to be seen as equals .

So in short , I love being a SAHM , but somedays, like any job I hate it , and love the idea of DH coming home and saving my sanity .
]]> Wed, 09 Jun 2010 21:15:21 +0000 https://www.ohbaby.co.nz/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=33948&PID=1058477&title=helping-out-or-not#1058477 <![CDATA[Helping out or not.. : I'm a SAHM. DF earns the...]]> https://www.ohbaby.co.nz/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=33948&PID=1058472&title=helping-out-or-not#1058472 Author: Skrip
Subject: 33948
Posted: 09 June 2010 at 9:12pm

I'm a SAHM. DF earns the money. Generally I look after the money but neither of us has a set allowance.

I get the impression that some people think being a SAHM is a walk in the park. IT IS NOT! Personally I found working (pre-baby) easier because with baby I can never relax, even when she is sleeping.

I suffer from PND, I tried to go back to work after having Liliana but just couldn't cope and I still find it hard somedays to gather enough motivation to do anything other than making sure my daughter is fed and changed.

For this reason DF will come home from work and straight away take over things. He misses us in the day and really looks forward to his cuddles. I don't feel that I am not doing my job properly by letting this happen at all.

I don't expect him to get up at night but if I am struggling he will hold her so I can refocus myself.

I actually find it very arrogant of anyone to say they have no respect for someone else just because they don't do things 'their' way.

]]> Wed, 09 Jun 2010 21:12:09 +0000 https://www.ohbaby.co.nz/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=33948&PID=1058472&title=helping-out-or-not#1058472 <![CDATA[Helping out or not.. : See I don't expect DH to...]]> https://www.ohbaby.co.nz/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=33948&PID=1058462&title=helping-out-or-not#1058462 Author: cuppatea
Subject: 33948
Posted: 09 June 2010 at 9:03pm

See I don't expect DH to come home and then do housework but I do expect him to spend time with the kids whilst I get dinner ready or tidy up etc. I think him spending time with the kids is important and he does it without me asking cos he wants to spend time with them. I mostly do all the housework but if I haven't managed to do it all cos I've had a busy day or the kids or me are sick then I expect him to do more. He does all the garden (he actually doesn't like me to do stuff out there cos it's his precious garden and I do things wrong apparently, he is ok with me picking up the dog poos though!).
Today when he got in he looked like sh*t and the only thing he has done was look after the youngest whilst I took the oldest with me grocery shopping and doing a couple of errands, then I did dinner, tidy up and bedtime routine as he went out to look at a car (his one got wrote off in an accident).
We tend to negiotate things as we go most days.

I would not be with a man who thinks it's ok to do nothing when not at work just cos they have earnt money. I like that I am with someone who takes an active role in running our house and nurturing our children.

I just told DH about this and he reckons he should come home and get pampered...yeah right. But seriously he thinks that it is wrong for women to do all the parenting, he seemed more happy about us doing all housework though

]]> Wed, 09 Jun 2010 21:03:43 +0000 https://www.ohbaby.co.nz/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=33948&PID=1058462&title=helping-out-or-not#1058462 <![CDATA[Helping out or not.. : I think being a SAHM is definitely...]]> https://www.ohbaby.co.nz/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=33948&PID=1058409&title=helping-out-or-not#1058409 Author: Daizy
Subject: 33948
Posted: 09 June 2010 at 8:37pm

I think being a SAHM is definitely harder mentally. It is emotionally draining and you don't ever get to switch off. At least working you get off if you are sick, you get weekends, you get lunch breaks. It the fact that it is continuous, repetitive and you feel like you have been dealing with the same tantrum over and over.
Even if you have been working all day coming home to kids is a complete change of scenery, after being away for a while you have the emotional to deal with it all again.
I do love being a SAHM but every now and then I do need a break, a chance to refresh. I know I don't have a lot to compare it with but it is definitely the hardest thing I have ever done.
I think it takes more than one person to run a household and I take my hat off to all those that do do it alone.
]]> Wed, 09 Jun 2010 20:37:49 +0000 https://www.ohbaby.co.nz/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=33948&PID=1058409&title=helping-out-or-not#1058409 <![CDATA[Helping out or not.. : Aww thanks, but I don't really...]]> https://www.ohbaby.co.nz/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=33948&PID=1058408&title=helping-out-or-not#1058408 Author: minik8e
Subject: 33948
Posted: 09 June 2010 at 8:37pm

Aww thanks, but I don't really need it. I have to admit, when I am at home, I find being a SAHM really hard and when it rolls around to the day before work (after 3-4 days at home), I really really can't wait.....but by the same token when I've been working for 3-4 days, it rolls around to the last day and I really really can't wait to stay at home with the girls. Do you find that at all emz??? My girls are my everything, but I'm just not wired to stay home 24/7, and going out to coffee groups/playcentre etc can be a nightmare and a half trying to work it in with their routines, so we probably don't get out as much as we should.....which works with what someone else said - it's as hard as we make it.

I think (from no experience whatsoever) that having toddlers might in SOME ways be easier - you can incorporate them into your day, "helping" with chores etc., whereas babies just can't. ]]> Wed, 09 Jun 2010 20:37:47 +0000 https://www.ohbaby.co.nz/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=33948&PID=1058408&title=helping-out-or-not#1058408 <![CDATA[Helping out or not.. : Does she ever! ]]> https://www.ohbaby.co.nz/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=33948&PID=1058385&title=helping-out-or-not#1058385 Author: emz
Subject: 33948
Posted: 09 June 2010 at 8:26pm

Does she ever!]]> Wed, 09 Jun 2010 20:26:02 +0000 https://www.ohbaby.co.nz/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=33948&PID=1058385&title=helping-out-or-not#1058385 <![CDATA[Helping out or not.. : And, Kate, you get a special dispensation...]]> https://www.ohbaby.co.nz/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=33948&PID=1058376&title=helping-out-or-not#1058376 Author: fattartsrock
Subject: 33948
Posted: 09 June 2010 at 8:21pm

And, Kate, you get a special dispensation for being a mother of twins!!!!]]> Wed, 09 Jun 2010 20:21:40 +0000 https://www.ohbaby.co.nz/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=33948&PID=1058376&title=helping-out-or-not#1058376 <![CDATA[Helping out or not.. : Haven't read all the replies,...]]> https://www.ohbaby.co.nz/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=33948&PID=1058374&title=helping-out-or-not#1058374 Author: emz
Subject: 33948
Posted: 09 June 2010 at 8:21pm

Haven't read all the replies, but here's my take on it

I do think parenting when both parents are at home should be shared. But that's the kid side of things - I do believe if you are a SAHM your job is to sort out all household and family stuff, and not leave it to your hubby. What else would you do all day otherwise (and don't tell me kids take that much work, because they don't!).

I have a cousin who sits on her ass all day and when her DH gets home late she expects him to do all the washing, dishes, cook tea. Apparently that's what parents do because she's worked 'so hard'. I've been a SAHM, and still am when I don't have enough work yet I fully believe if I'm not earning, I contribute through other work.

My Dh is hardly ever home, and when he is, he never knows what's going on with the kids. He helps as much as he can, sometimes gets them ready for bed or does the dishes once a week if I'm lucky. He chops wood for us and fixes the cars if they need it, so that's a help. I would hate to be so reliant on my Dh to get through the day.]]> Wed, 09 Jun 2010 20:21:25 +0000 https://www.ohbaby.co.nz/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=33948&PID=1058374&title=helping-out-or-not#1058374 <![CDATA[Helping out or not.. : Delli wrote: fattartsrock...]]> https://www.ohbaby.co.nz/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=33948&PID=1058372&title=helping-out-or-not#1058372 Author: fattartsrock
Subject: 33948
Posted: 09 June 2010 at 8:20pm

Delli wrote:

fattartsrock wrote:

I don't get what is so hard aobut being a SAHM ......

EXACTLY!!!!!!!!!! maybe thats it in a nutshell! I don't understand why there has to be a competiton over whos had the hardest/most stressfull day? Or who did most?]]> Wed, 09 Jun 2010 20:20:35 +0000 https://www.ohbaby.co.nz/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=33948&PID=1058372&title=helping-out-or-not#1058372 <![CDATA[Helping out or not.. : jazzy wrote: Little_Red wrote: I'm...]]> https://www.ohbaby.co.nz/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=33948&PID=1058365&title=helping-out-or-not#1058365 Author: minik8e
Subject: 33948
Posted: 09 June 2010 at 8:19pm

jazzy wrote:

Little_Red wrote:

I'm amazed that some women seem to have to treat their husbands like children and are constantly unhappy with what they do/don't do. Surely you would learn what they are like beforehand and if you don't like it you wouldn't marry them/have a child with them? Seems logical to me.

I often wonder that myself maybe the desire to have a baby over rules all else.

I'm one of those women who frequently moans...DH actually did more around the house etc. before we had kids!!!

And getting up at night....DH had to get up at night when we were doing middle of the night feeds. Yes, he had to work in the morning, but I had to deal with the girls all day, and for just me to do a feed (bottles only) would take over 2 hours at a time, which is ridiculous. So we would both get up, feed them, and be back to bed within an hour. Now, if they are unsettled, it's usually me that gets up through the night, even when it's ME that has to work the next day, and not him. So that can work both ways. When it rolls around to 5am I boot him and tell him it's his turn, because I do need sleep as well (usually if one is unsettled, so is the other, so it's two-fold overnight).

I don't see what's unfair about that??? We both signed on to be parents, not just me.]]> Wed, 09 Jun 2010 20:19:13 +0000 https://www.ohbaby.co.nz/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=33948&PID=1058365&title=helping-out-or-not#1058365 <![CDATA[Helping out or not.. : ElfsMum wrote:re the sAHM thing...i...]]> https://www.ohbaby.co.nz/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=33948&PID=1058363&title=helping-out-or-not#1058363 Author: fattartsrock
Subject: 33948
Posted: 09 June 2010 at 8:17pm

ElfsMum wrote:

re the sAHM thing...i do find it hard..part of it is my personality...and having a child with day sleeping issues lol..and a full on toddler..but i dont feel bad for admitting that..i find it hard..i just do:) i love love love my kids but dont love being a SAHM and maybe that's got something to do with it?:)

I also just think that what some people find awful (ie you dont think its ok to hand children over the second you get home) other people find great and necessary:) take today my DH came home ..Ethan saw him coming..was all over him and 10 mins later he took him to the bath.. I asked him about it and he said though its full on he loves he gets to spend some time with them before they go to bed..

I think my last word on it for me is that some people find it hard, some dont.... like a lot of parenting things.. and that's just the way it is:)

Absolutely, KA and I'm not judging you at all. I've never ever seen you on here bagging your hubby and complaining about anything he does (or dosen't do) and you really don't seem the naggy type!
TBH I don't really like being a SAHM either, but I like going to work a whole lot less at the moment! lol
Personally I think its the mental part thats the hard part of SAHM, not the "work". At least at work, you now you get paid for the crap you might or might not have to put up with.]]> Wed, 09 Jun 2010 20:17:53 +0000 https://www.ohbaby.co.nz/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=33948&PID=1058363&title=helping-out-or-not#1058363 <![CDATA[Helping out or not.. : re the sAHM thing...i do find...]]> https://www.ohbaby.co.nz/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=33948&PID=1058329&title=helping-out-or-not#1058329 Author: ElfsMum
Subject: 33948
Posted: 09 June 2010 at 7:57pm

re the sAHM thing...i do find it hard..part of it is my personality...and having a child with day sleeping issues lol..and a full on toddler..but i dont feel bad for admitting that..i find it hard..i just do:) i love love love my kids but dont love being a SAHM and maybe that's got something to do with it?:)

I also just think that what some people find awful (ie you dont think its ok to hand children over the second you get home) other people find great and necessary:) take today my DH came home ..Ethan saw him coming..was all over him and 10 mins later he took him to the bath.. I asked him about it and he said though its full on he loves he gets to spend some time with them before they go to bed..

I think my last word on it for me is that some people find it hard, some dont.... like a lot of parenting things.. and that's just the way it is:)

Edited by ElfsMum]]> Wed, 09 Jun 2010 19:57:51 +0000 https://www.ohbaby.co.nz/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=33948&PID=1058329&title=helping-out-or-not#1058329 <![CDATA[Helping out or not.. : We both work full time so its...]]> https://www.ohbaby.co.nz/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=33948&PID=1058210&title=helping-out-or-not#1058210 Author: hannibal
Subject: 33948
Posted: 09 June 2010 at 6:24pm

We both work full time so its all about mucking in. Hubby is self employed and winter is a down time for him so he can often come home and get things ready, bubs dinner on etc and in summer time I step up that role more as he does longer hours. He works seven days so it mainly me over the weekend and then I disappear on a Saturday afternoon for a massage and a total of one hour me time. We have no family here so its us no time out together. Housework is divided, he feeds bubs at night and I do the shower/bath. We both like things done in different ways I guess but I go but if you want it done a certainly way do it yourself. Money wise whats his is mine and what mine in mine!!! No not really my wages pay the mortgage, bills etc and his is the weekly funds for other items. ]]> Wed, 09 Jun 2010 18:24:32 +0000 https://www.ohbaby.co.nz/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=33948&PID=1058210&title=helping-out-or-not#1058210 <![CDATA[Helping out or not.. : Hmmmm this is very interesting...]]> https://www.ohbaby.co.nz/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=33948&PID=1058196&title=helping-out-or-not#1058196 Author: _SMS_
Subject: 33948
Posted: 09 June 2010 at 6:15pm

Hmmmm this is very interesting

I cook 99% of the time, i do all housework. DP only does dishes every night or maybe every 2nd night. I do them every other time. He does all outside jobs, car repairs, etc etc

DP will help out with any house work that i ask of him, but he never just does it, he has to be asked.

DP baths Taylah every night or 2nd night. I hardly ever bath her its always DPs time to spend with her after work before bed time. He also gives her a bottle before bed everynight to.

In the weekends we normally share housework & caring for Taylah. I normally do 60% dp 40% of housework in wknds. So its pretty good.

I also NAG him a fair bit. He never listens to things i say. Then he moans that i yell at him, but i only yell after ive asked several times. He is starting to slowly understand this

Like others say i get 'yep in 5 min' alot. But 5 min is always ends up being 1 hr.

I get up to Taylah during the night when DP has work, luckily it hasnt been to often lately

]]> Wed, 09 Jun 2010 18:15:45 +0000 https://www.ohbaby.co.nz/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=33948&PID=1058196&title=helping-out-or-not#1058196 <![CDATA[Helping out or not.. : Tell you what..if men talked more...]]> https://www.ohbaby.co.nz/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=33948&PID=1058176&title=helping-out-or-not#1058176 Author: Nutella
Subject: 33948
Posted: 09 June 2010 at 6:03pm

Tell you what..if men talked more they would probably complain about us to their mates...I am sure we are not perfect either hehe. ]]> Wed, 09 Jun 2010 18:03:58 +0000 https://www.ohbaby.co.nz/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=33948&PID=1058176&title=helping-out-or-not#1058176 <![CDATA[Helping out or not.. : I love my husband. I probably...]]> https://www.ohbaby.co.nz/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=33948&PID=1058140&title=helping-out-or-not#1058140 Author: Daizy
Subject: 33948
Posted: 09 June 2010 at 5:20pm

I love my husband. I probably do complain about him too much on here, but so what if housework isn't his strong point, there is much more I love about him than weather or not he pulls his own weight. Ok so it definitely helps, and I know there are times he can be great.
He will do things that bugs me, but more because I don't always see things the way he does, we are wired differently, but thats also one of the reasons we work.
And yes he will still be a male that doesn't always enjoy housework, instead would rather play games with his mates. And yes that makes me grumpy at times but it doesn't make us love each other any less.]]> Wed, 09 Jun 2010 17:20:57 +0000 https://www.ohbaby.co.nz/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=33948&PID=1058140&title=helping-out-or-not#1058140 <![CDATA[Helping out or not.. : Little_Red wrote:That's...]]> https://www.ohbaby.co.nz/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=33948&PID=1058120&title=helping-out-or-not#1058120 Author: jazzy
Subject: 33948
Posted: 09 June 2010 at 4:56pm

Little_Red wrote:

That's sad if that is the case Jazzy as it can often lead to a broken home when the going gets tough. The other side of the coin is that some people just love complaining!

So true & it does, if you don't have a solid relationship to start with kids only make it harder. Relationships are hard work & you have to work at it...so I try really hard not to bag my hubby...might send him the odd email tho, ha ha

]]> Wed, 09 Jun 2010 16:56:06 +0000 https://www.ohbaby.co.nz/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=33948&PID=1058120&title=helping-out-or-not#1058120 <![CDATA[Helping out or not.. : That's sad if that is the...]]> https://www.ohbaby.co.nz/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=33948&PID=1058106&title=helping-out-or-not#1058106 Author: GuestGuest
Subject: 33948
Posted: 09 June 2010 at 4:45pm

That's sad if that is the case Jazzy as it can often lead to a broken home when the going gets tough. The other side of the coin is that some people just love complaining!]]> Wed, 09 Jun 2010 16:45:30 +0000 https://www.ohbaby.co.nz/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=33948&PID=1058106&title=helping-out-or-not#1058106 <![CDATA[Helping out or not.. : Little_Red wrote: I'm...]]> https://www.ohbaby.co.nz/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=33948&PID=1058099&title=helping-out-or-not#1058099 Author: jazzy
Subject: 33948
Posted: 09 June 2010 at 4:40pm

I often wonder that myself maybe the desire to have a baby over rules all else.]]> Wed, 09 Jun 2010 16:40:59 +0000 https://www.ohbaby.co.nz/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=33948&PID=1058099&title=helping-out-or-not#1058099 <![CDATA[Helping out or not.. : I find being a SAHM harder than...]]> https://www.ohbaby.co.nz/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=33948&PID=1058097&title=helping-out-or-not#1058097 Author: Bobbie
Subject: 33948
Posted: 09 June 2010 at 4:39pm

I find being a SAHM harder than when I worked and I used to work HARD! I think it's the groundhog day thing that someone mentioned plus you just never know how long you're going to get to do anything before you are interrupted and you are constantly multitasking.

Plus babies going nuts at the same time as toddlers can be more stressful than having your comp system go down and being screamed at by clients.

DH comes home and helps with the kids. We both go flat stick through the dinner and night routines (I do the cooking and him the dishes) and then we both relax when the kids are in bed. ]]> Wed, 09 Jun 2010 16:39:13 +0000 https://www.ohbaby.co.nz/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=33948&PID=1058097&title=helping-out-or-not#1058097 <![CDATA[Helping out or not.. : TaliP wrote:Re the money thing,...]]> https://www.ohbaby.co.nz/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=33948&PID=1058054&title=helping-out-or-not#1058054 Author: kiwisj
Subject: 33948
Posted: 09 June 2010 at 4:11pm

TaliP wrote:

Re the money thing, we don't need to do pocket money but every so often I bring it up but more for me coz sometimes I spend a bit on my crafts tee hee and feel naughty. But DH doesn't care and we can afford it so not really too worried haha! Then sometimes I think if I didn't spend as much on crafts we would save faster (not that I spend that much) so wonder if it would be a good plan.....sigh.

We have this conversation a bit too. We feel guilty for not saving more/faster but then we work out where we're spending the most money and it's activities for Callum and eating out mostly and basically just things we enjoy like holidays. So we carry on because that's why we're here - so we can have a nice life but still save some $$ for when we move home one of these days.]]> Wed, 09 Jun 2010 16:11:27 +0000 https://www.ohbaby.co.nz/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=33948&PID=1058054&title=helping-out-or-not#1058054 <![CDATA[Helping out or not.. : I think maybe it is hard when...]]> https://www.ohbaby.co.nz/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=33948&PID=1058047&title=helping-out-or-not#1058047 Author: Nutella
Subject: 33948
Posted: 09 June 2010 at 4:06pm

I think maybe it is hard when first have a baby...I know that at first I found it super hard, was over tired, honestly hardly had time to eat let alone do anything else and since then, things got on top of me so now I am like waaaa so much to do, so little time and I would love DH to give me a hand to get back on track. But I have written a list of the things that need to be done in the house so I can see my progress and sometimes easier to visualise on a list than in my head.

So now DS is older and I feel in control as far as he goes (til the next round of teething lol), I am starting to get over the not much help from DH. I was resenting him for a while because I was so bloody tired but not anymore...I know he works long hours too and now I have more spare time during the day to do fun things.

I expect that as time goes on I will get more in control and yip, house hold is my job and I have chosen it and truly can't believe how lucky I am that I get to stay home with Liam instead of going to work and putting him in care.

Probably when we have another baby there will be those early months where things get out of control BUT I also think next time round I probably won't expect myself to have a perfect house and to be the perfect wife....so if things slide a bit well too bad.

Re the money thing, we don't need to do pocket money but every so often I bring it up but more for me coz sometimes I spend a bit on my crafts tee hee and feel naughty. But DH doesn't care and we can afford it so not really too worried haha! Then sometimes I think if I didn't spend as much on crafts we would save faster (not that I spend that much) so wonder if it would be a good plan.....sigh.]]> Wed, 09 Jun 2010 16:06:09 +0000 https://www.ohbaby.co.nz/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=33948&PID=1058047&title=helping-out-or-not#1058047 <![CDATA[Helping out or not.. : fattartsrock wrote:I don't...]]> https://www.ohbaby.co.nz/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=33948&PID=1058044&title=helping-out-or-not#1058044 Author: Delli
Subject: 33948
Posted: 09 June 2010 at 4:03pm

fattartsrock wrote:

I don't get what is so hard aobut being a SAHM ......

Heh, and I don't get whats so hard about working full time. Again, guess it comes down to personalities. I don't find either being a SAHM OR working hard. As someone said - it's as hard as you make it to be. Some people like to get wrapped up in the stress when really - it doesn't need to be that way.]]> Wed, 09 Jun 2010 16:03:59 +0000 https://www.ohbaby.co.nz/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=33948&PID=1058044&title=helping-out-or-not#1058044 <![CDATA[Helping out or not.. : fattartsrock wrote: Bizzy...]]> https://www.ohbaby.co.nz/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=33948&PID=1058037&title=helping-out-or-not#1058037 Author: jazzy
Subject: 33948
Posted: 09 June 2010 at 3:58pm

fattartsrock wrote:

Bizzy wrote:

i havent read all this yet - will do it later maybe. i wanted to say though i dont get the SAHM's who say that what they do is harder than their partners job cause it is full time... is it really full time?
When you have a paid job to go to you have to start at a set time, have breaks at a set time and finish at a set time. You have to actually work during your working hours as well. you cant get up and have a coffee or meet friends or play on FB or OB whenever you want or for however long you want. You have to answer to your boss, you have a dress standard and are expected to work to a standard as well.

whereas SAHM's dont even have to get dressed let alone do the washing by a certain time or the dishes or anything really. They dont have to spend a majority of their day doing anything they dont really want to do. and if it all gets too much they can walk out the door and go for a walk or have a coffee with a friend or head to the library, the pools, a mall....

Being a SAHM is not a hard job. dealing with small peoples temperaments day in day out can get wearing and figuring it out can be tricky, but we have it easy really! if our kids piss us off we can walk outside and eventually they will do something cute and make us smile again - whereas if your fellow employees piss you off its tough really!

I agree...it is as hard as you make it...if you have a clean house to start with it does not take much effort to keep it that way.

And the freedom you get is fantastic & after all doesn't one choose to be SAHM so they can spend time with the child/ren & it goes hand & hand you clean up.

I think there is too much PC BS around.

Edited by jazzy]]> Wed, 09 Jun 2010 15:58:39 +0000 https://www.ohbaby.co.nz/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=33948&PID=1058037&title=helping-out-or-not#1058037 <![CDATA[Helping out or not.. : I do all the house hold chores...]]> https://www.ohbaby.co.nz/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=33948&PID=1058013&title=helping-out-or-not#1058013 Author: palomino
Subject: 33948
Posted: 09 June 2010 at 3:44pm

I do all the house hold chores etc apart from vacumming because DP loves it so who am i to stop him. He comes home and blobs till tea time while i do bath and pjs then he does story and puts him to bed. I get up in the night if need be. In our situation i do have it easier in some respects, we used to be in similar jobs pre baby and i know how stressed i used to get so i give him time to unwind, dont expect him to do much once hes home. Of course this has taken what 18 odd months to get into the swing of, i used to hand him the baby as soon as he was in the door. ]]> Wed, 09 Jun 2010 15:44:39 +0000 https://www.ohbaby.co.nz/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=33948&PID=1058013&title=helping-out-or-not#1058013 <![CDATA[Helping out or not.. : Not a big deal as such. I just...]]> https://www.ohbaby.co.nz/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=33948&PID=1058010&title=helping-out-or-not#1058010 Author: kiwisj
Subject: 33948
Posted: 09 June 2010 at 3:41pm

Not a big deal as such. I just don't like it

I particularly don't like doing it in 35 degree heat and 98% humidity

]]> Wed, 09 Jun 2010 15:41:21 +0000 https://www.ohbaby.co.nz/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=33948&PID=1058010&title=helping-out-or-not#1058010 <![CDATA[Helping out or not.. : Bizzy wrote:i havent read all...]]> https://www.ohbaby.co.nz/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=33948&PID=1058002&title=helping-out-or-not#1058002 Author: fattartsrock
Subject: 33948
Posted: 09 June 2010 at 3:32pm

i agree fully with you , Bizzy. I don't get what is so hard aobut being a SAHM apart from the temperaments of our children and the interuppted pee breaks and showers etc, but really, not that big of a deal. And I have a 3 y/o that is constantly in tantrum/crying/whinging mode.

And I also don't see how housework is that big of a deal? I keep the house tidy anyhow, so mainainence isnt hard? I spend maybe half an hour TOPS per day doing something bigish and maybe an hour an hour and a half once a week doing all of it? If you keep on top of the maintenence then its not such a big deal. ]]> Wed, 09 Jun 2010 15:32:57 +0000 https://www.ohbaby.co.nz/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=33948&PID=1058002&title=helping-out-or-not#1058002 <![CDATA[Helping out or not.. : BLAH I hate housework too. My...]]> https://www.ohbaby.co.nz/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=33948&PID=1057974&title=helping-out-or-not#1057974 Author: kiwisj
Subject: 33948
Posted: 09 June 2010 at 3:04pm

BLAH I hate housework too. My mum and my Nana used to laugh at me when I was a smart-alec teenager and said I would pay someone else to do it when I left home .... but I do! There are some things I do myself because I'm fussy but otherwise I love not having to worry about it. Our home is far more relaxed too because neither DH or I have to do anything really don't want to.

I went up to KL for the day on Saturday and DH had C for the whole day. He made a comment about having to pee with C around - we had a big laugh about it (because it was funny) but I'm glad he "gets it" too. ]]> Wed, 09 Jun 2010 15:04:59 +0000 https://www.ohbaby.co.nz/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=33948&PID=1057974&title=helping-out-or-not#1057974 <![CDATA[Helping out or not.. : Dont worry Daizy, I nag too Its...]]> https://www.ohbaby.co.nz/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=33948&PID=1057964&title=helping-out-or-not#1057964 Author: Shezamumof3
Subject: 33948
Posted: 09 June 2010 at 2:58pm

Dont worry Daizy, I nag too

Its usually when he is on the computer or playing playstaion and I get pissed off when Ive asked him to help me with something numerous times and he says "yeah" and then I wait 5 mins, still hasnt moved his ass, so yeap I go hulk on him

He is mostly really good though

]]> Wed, 09 Jun 2010 14:58:36 +0000 https://www.ohbaby.co.nz/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=33948&PID=1057964&title=helping-out-or-not#1057964 <![CDATA[Helping out or not.. : I am a terrible wife I count down...]]> https://www.ohbaby.co.nz/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=33948&PID=1057960&title=helping-out-or-not#1057960 Author: Daizy
Subject: 33948
Posted: 09 June 2010 at 2:52pm

I am a terrible wife

I count down the minutes until he gets home and dump the kids on him, I make him get up in the night, I nag, and he isn't even lucky enough to get pocket money.

DH finishes work, 5:30/6ish and by that point of the day I have 2 grumpy girls who are over the day, I am trying to dinner cooked, housework finished up, getting ready for bedtime.
We both work hard during the day, him out of the house and me at home, and I think when he gets home we both help out. Usually he just plays with the girls or takes over cooking dinner, so I can sort everything else out.
Same for weekends, neither of us get the weekend completely off, we still have 2 children to look after and house work to be done (does it ever end

) I think it is only fair we both do our fair share....although DH doesn't like that so much.
There are certain jobs that I just do, washing, sorting junk piles, washing windows etc. And the only jobs I really appreciate his help with are the dishes and mowing the lawns.

I admit I do nag

But when you ask once and they ignore you asking again it becomes a nag... I haven't yet figured out how to avoid it.... if he always replied the first time I would never have nag at all

DH can be really lazy, his whole life he hasn't ever really had to do anything, I look at his sister and Dad and I am scared that if I never say anything we would end up living like them.
The dishes is/are the thing that gets to me most, he is always saying he will so them later and then never has the time, instead he plays computer games all night and I am left to do it all my self. I haven't said anything at all about the lawns, I am waiting to see if he ever will just do it....

Getting up in the night, I never made him do it all the time although it would get to a point I would be totally exhausted I needed his help. Yes he had to work the next day but so do I even if it is only at home. It wasn't a big deal when I had only the one and could nap with them the next day but when you have a toddler to run around after also it feels awful when you have no energy.

As for getting pocket money, we just don't have enough to set aside spend on the 'extra' things. The things we buy we talk about together (usually shop together as I had no other way of getting to the shops

) If he really needs something small (lunch etc) then he knows he can (although I trust he is smart with the money). If I gave him money I know he would just spend it on computer games. I understand having weekly pocket money for each other can work really well for some people, but I think if the wife has all the money to spend on what ever she wants and only leaves a small portion for the husband, is a bit rough. ]]> Wed, 09 Jun 2010 14:52:32 +0000 https://www.ohbaby.co.nz/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=33948&PID=1057960&title=helping-out-or-not#1057960 <![CDATA[Helping out or not.. : We do pocket money, it's...]]> https://www.ohbaby.co.nz/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=33948&PID=1057951&title=helping-out-or-not#1057951 Author: tishy
Subject: 33948
Posted: 09 June 2010 at 2:46pm

We do pocket money, it's s pre determined amount agreed by us both. If either of us had free reign on our joint account there'd be no money left

As for helping out at home, DH gets to choose when he's ready to assist when he gets home. Generally it's pretty immediate. He does bath while I sort the kitchen and he does bedtime / bottles too. This is the days he's home as he's away a lotwith work and diving.

Up until this week we've had a nanny 2 days a week while I work. Next week the girls start 3 days daycare instead and when I up my work to 3 days we're going to get a cleaner on once a week so my days with the girls are not taken up with cleaning.

I detest housework, it's not a reason why I choose to be a SAHM, as does DH, so this is our compromise

]]> Wed, 09 Jun 2010 14:46:36 +0000 https://www.ohbaby.co.nz/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=33948&PID=1057951&title=helping-out-or-not#1057951 <![CDATA[Helping out or not.. : Bizzy wrote:i havent read all...]]> https://www.ohbaby.co.nz/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=33948&PID=1057946&title=helping-out-or-not#1057946 Author: cuppatea
Subject: 33948
Posted: 09 June 2010 at 2:40pm

I think it depends on the work, my Dh doesn't have set breaks and can have coffee when he wants. His day depends on what breakdowns, if any, happen and he goes to work looking like a hobo. When he does long hours, recently he did 12 hour days and weekends for a shutdown then I didn't expect him to do anything except work and eat/sleep cos it would have been totally unfair to expect anything else.

I guess what I find harder about being at home is that it's like freaking ground hog day, at least I use to achieve something at work. And yes I do get to take breaks but not when I want, it's when the kids allow, like now cos they are napping. I also don't get to pee in peace, most people who work can go to the toilet without their co workers going in with them. I have to start and finish my day when the kids dictate, I don't have set hours but I also don't have any control over the hours I work, if one of them gets up at 5am then so do I. I also dont' get weekends. Dh still pretty much gets weekends, yes he helps out more cos he is here but I am still the main caregiver whilst he potters round the house doing whatever, my routine carries on like any other weekday.

Edited by two_boys]]> Wed, 09 Jun 2010 14:40:20 +0000 https://www.ohbaby.co.nz/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=33948&PID=1057946&title=helping-out-or-not#1057946 <![CDATA[Helping out or not.. : I think I will put DH on an allowance...]]> https://www.ohbaby.co.nz/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=33948&PID=1057936&title=helping-out-or-not#1057936 Author: jazzy
Subject: 33948
Posted: 09 June 2010 at 2:34pm

I think I will put DH on an allowance or just give him pocket money as I see no difference between the 2.

So I asked DH (chatting on line) if he would like to have a set amount weekly & he said we would probably save more, lol,

After the bills are payed & the saving done there is money left in the account that we both can use & we have no limit on who gets what, but we find we don't spend much on ourselves weekly, but we have things we both do & there is money set aside for that.

I would hate for DH to have to check in with me if he wanted to go to lunch with the guys at work or out after (not that he does much) so I always make sure there is money for stuff like that.

DH gets on call & if he has to go in early etc so he usually puts in the claim monthly so we get $1-2k extra & that is used for clothing, kids & what we need & extra into savings. We also take a set amount out each to buy what we want, DH will get a game etc & I will get makeup, perfume etc.

I don't get why one has to ask the other for money but do get why they check how much is available. Not everyone is on a big wage or they maybe over committed so not much left over to share.

]]> Wed, 09 Jun 2010 14:34:58 +0000 https://www.ohbaby.co.nz/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=33948&PID=1057936&title=helping-out-or-not#1057936 <![CDATA[Helping out or not.. : Wow this is the benefit (finally)...]]> https://www.ohbaby.co.nz/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=33948&PID=1057916&title=helping-out-or-not#1057916 Author: kiwi2
Subject: 33948
Posted: 09 June 2010 at 2:20pm

Wow this is the benefit (finally) to having a DH with ADHD. I just have to mention a job or problem with the house and it gets done. lol. No nagging here I think. Will have to ask DH when he gets home. Although I do have a moan everynow and then as it is all relevant to what you experience IYGWIM. But I feel very lucky after reading a few of these forums.

DH earns a good wage and is a bit of a workaholic. Because of this we don't do the allowance thing. Both he and I can spend within reason and big spends we talk about. I can see how that would be very belittling to a man but we haven't had the stress of really tight finances in a long time.

He loves being around the kids and takes over when he gets home. Mind you he gets home at 7-7.30 pm so only gets a short time with them before bed. But in the weekend he is onto it with the sports and can't sit still or sleep in so is very busy with them at parks etc.

On the other hand sometimes it is not your preferred choice to be the stay at home parent. Sometimes it comes down to whos job pays more and therefore is a financial choice etc. I know when I was working it was a far less stressful time to go to work and switch off a little for 8 hours. Now with our circumstances me working would just be too stressful for the whole family and my DH prefers me to be at home so that his working time doesn't get compromised.

Also with our third child it was really difficult. She was hard to manage and screamed alot and I would count down the clock until he got home. I would hand her over and head out to regroup before dinner. He would get up for one of the 7 times a night I would have to get up. This was a medical condition that we didn't get diagnosed until she was 2 and a half so it was a stressful time and he did have to step up to help us out.

Another point is that as a SAHM we don't get annual leave, sick leave and a finishing time. Most DH's kick in and help out but if you are asking or nagging all the time maybe your partner could be reminded of this. At the end of the day every family is different and in those first years of baby you really have to communicate with your partners. If you explain what your needs are in a calm and non-confrontational way 9 times out of 10 they will help you out.

]]> Wed, 09 Jun 2010 14:20:19 +0000 https://www.ohbaby.co.nz/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=33948&PID=1057916&title=helping-out-or-not#1057916 <![CDATA[Helping out or not.. : I guess I am one of those bad...]]> https://www.ohbaby.co.nz/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=33948&PID=1057915&title=helping-out-or-not#1057915 Author: Lexidore
Subject: 33948
Posted: 09 June 2010 at 2:20pm

I guess I am one of those bad woman you all talk about!

DF gets up in the night most of the time for Lexie, Not that I expect him to or even ask him to, he has told me he likes to do it as he feels like its some extra bonding time for them, even though it is 5-10 minutes of him just giving her a bottle then going back to bed. I get up too though and sometimes we fight over who will get up to her in the night, and by that I mean we both fight over who gets to do it. We appreciate that time as she is so snuggly and we love the opportunity to spend time with her like that.

In the first couple of months I would be handing Lexie over as soon as he got home I was really struggling with a baby that didn't sleep, and only cried all day, I struggled with the fact that I thought I was the problem. Now when DF comes in he will come straight over and give us both a kiss and we will spend some time playing with the baby together for awhile before one of us decides to make dinner.

I don't expect him to do anything except the dishes, Thats the only job I expect him to do, and every so often I will surprise him by doing them. Though he does help out with a lot. I very rarely ask him to do stuff we just do things when they need doing. We very rarely fight, the only things I nag about is turning out lights, and closing doors lol and thats just me trying to save power.

I work one day a week and the minute I come home I want to see my baby so I will spend time with her straight away.

So yea thats us... It works for us we communicate about things and neither of us are unhappy, We will tell each other if something isn't working and work on it. But from the outside I am probably looked at as being one of THOSE women

]]> Wed, 09 Jun 2010 14:20:11 +0000 https://www.ohbaby.co.nz/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=33948&PID=1057915&title=helping-out-or-not#1057915 <![CDATA[Helping out or not.. : kebakat wrote:I expect DH to...]]> https://www.ohbaby.co.nz/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=33948&PID=1057913&title=helping-out-or-not#1057913 Author: Shezamumof3
Subject: 33948
Posted: 09 June 2010 at 2:18pm

kebakat wrote:

I expect DH to help but I also do the majority of the household chores..

I do 90% of the washing, I cook, he puts the dishes in the dishwasher which I think is fair, I hate cooking and I'm not that great at it so he can clean up afterwards.

I keep the house in a reasonable state during the week with cleaning and vacuuming which is very time consuming at the moment as it has to be immaculate for open homes etc but on saturday the house gets a once over together.

We do the night time routine together.

I wouldn't mind doing the lawns sometimes if the mower didn't hate me. I'm no weakling but that mower has only started once for me stupid thing.

It works really well for us with the little deals we have (like tea and dishes).

This is the same as us pretty much

When I was pregnant with Bella I would sometime run away as soon as DH got home lol, just cos I was so tired(was quite unwell at the end of the pregnancy with bery bad low iron).
These days I never ask him to do anything when he gets home from work, unless Im sick, but even then Im usually dragging myself round getting things done.
Im a stay at home mum, thats my "job" i keep the household running smooth and he brings home the bacon, but we also work together, he does Cadens night routine and helps me with Bella, its only fair, he is their dad. He does dishes and cleans the kitchen, puts away toys and stuff.

I love being at home with the kids, but somedays I am itching for DH to get home, and not to throw them at him, but just to have him there to help and for my sanity

and cos I love him

ETA - We have a joint account and each have cards for it, so my WFF money and his wages go into the one account, we dont have credits cards, just a Visa debit card which is mine. I dont tell him when I buy general things, but if I want to get something thats going to cost a bit I let him know and vice versa, which is not often as we dont have much money at all at the moment.

Edited by Sheza]]> Wed, 09 Jun 2010 14:18:53 +0000 https://www.ohbaby.co.nz/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=33948&PID=1057913&title=helping-out-or-not#1057913 <![CDATA[Helping out or not.. : i havent read all this yet - will...]]> https://www.ohbaby.co.nz/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=33948&PID=1057912&title=helping-out-or-not#1057912 Author: Bizzy
Subject: 33948
Posted: 09 June 2010 at 2:17pm

i havent read all this yet - will do it later maybe. i wanted to say though i dont get the SAHM's who say that what they do is harder than their partners job cause it is full time... is it really full time?
When you have a paid job to go to you have to start at a set time, have breaks at a set time and finish at a set time. You have to actually work during your working hours as well. you cant get up and have a coffee or meet friends or play on FB or OB whenever you want or for however long you want. You have to answer to your boss, you have a dress standard and are expected to work to a standard as well.

whereas SAHM's dont even have to get dressed let alone do the washing by a certain time or the dishes or anything really. They dont have to spend a majority of their day doing anything they dont really want to do. and if it all gets too much they can walk out the door and go for a walk or have a coffee with a friend or head to the library, the pools, a mall....

Being a SAHM is not a hard job. dealing with small peoples temperaments day in day out can get wearing and figuring it out can be tricky, but we have it easy really! if our kids piss us off we can walk outside and eventually they will do something cute and make us smile again - whereas if your fellow employees piss you off its tough really!]]> Wed, 09 Jun 2010 14:17:33 +0000 https://www.ohbaby.co.nz/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=33948&PID=1057912&title=helping-out-or-not#1057912 <![CDATA[Helping out or not.. : I don't get the allowance...]]> https://www.ohbaby.co.nz/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=33948&PID=1057905&title=helping-out-or-not#1057905 Author: cuppatea
Subject: 33948
Posted: 09 June 2010 at 2:14pm

I don't get the allowance thing, that's not on. I worked with a guy who had no kids and he was still given an allowance by his girlfriend, very odd.
We do each have spending money for coffees/lunches but it was done that way to help us budget and any other things that Dh or I want to buy we just get out of savings, we normally talk to each other about it but not asking permission and is mostly cos it needs to be added to a spreadsheet we have that keeps track of one money is accrueing for bills (we pay insurance yearly and a few other things) and what is for savings/spending money. Big stuff obviously is always talked about.

I find it odd though that so many of you think that being a sahm mum should mean doing all the house work as well. What time do you actually spend with your kids if your doing everything else? We are never even in in the mornings cos I take the kids out to playgroup, music etc and I don't like to spend all their awake time doing housework, cos that's hardly quality one on one time with them. Yep some cos they do like to be my helpers but they also get bored of it pretty quickly or their help is actually not helpful at all.
When Dh is on earlies I like to spend time with him in the evening as we dont' get anytime alone together when is on lates so I don't want to be doing house work all evening instead. It makes sense for him to pitch in and why wouldn't he, they are afterall his kids too.

I've never expected him to get up in the night, he has the odd time if I've asked him but it's only ever been when he doesn't have work the next day. He could have an accident too easily if sleep deprived and I don't see the point of having two sleep deprived parents.

]]> Wed, 09 Jun 2010 14:14:23 +0000 https://www.ohbaby.co.nz/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=33948&PID=1057905&title=helping-out-or-not#1057905 <![CDATA[Helping out or not.. : SMoody wrote: My tip: Talk...]]> https://www.ohbaby.co.nz/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=33948&PID=1057893&title=helping-out-or-not#1057893 Author: GuestGuest
Subject: 33948
Posted: 09 June 2010 at 2:01pm

SMoody wrote:

My tip: Talk and negotiate works better than nagging. And isnt that what a relationship is?

Nicely said! If you both discuss it and follow through then there should be no need for nagging.
I'm amazed that some women seem to have to treat their husbands like children and are constantly unhappy with what they do/don't do. Surely you would learn what they are like beforehand and if you don't like it you wouldn't marry them/have a child with them? Seems logical to me.]]> Wed, 09 Jun 2010 14:01:54 +0000 https://www.ohbaby.co.nz/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=33948&PID=1057893&title=helping-out-or-not#1057893 <![CDATA[Helping out or not.. : I have not read all the posts...]]> https://www.ohbaby.co.nz/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=33948&PID=1057885&title=helping-out-or-not#1057885 Author: mummyofprinces
Subject: 33948
Posted: 09 June 2010 at 1:52pm

I have not read all the posts yet.. will do that when j is asleep as he has almost finished his lunch...

Firstly we have "pocket money"... we each get a little money each fortnight out of his salary to do with what we want. We do this because money is uber tight right now and we are not in the position to be frivilous (sp?).

We also have a limit on gifts and that gets transfered into our spending money accounts before birthdays, anniversarys etc.

I do control this, but that is the role we have taken naturally... I dont stop him from spending money but will advise he doesnt if we cant afford it... and will budget it in so we can afford it.

As for child care I am of the mind that my DH gets and hour in the morning and an hour in the afternoon of "free" time on the bus.... I dont get any and while this is part of having kids I fail to see how its purely my responsibility... so when he gets home from work he is expected to play with Jake while I have 20 minutes to myself. The reasons are twofold, the first so I can relax a bit so when Jake goes to bed we can enjoy our time together and the second that DH and Jake get some quality time together. DH also puts Jake to bed and its a nice quiet time for them at the end of the day.

While I "expect" DH to do it, he wants to do it! He understands that even though i am a SAHM I still deserve a wee break from being a mummy and a wife and apparently I am a much nicer wife in the evenings if he does that (his words not mine).

I dont expect him to do everything, I am home all day after all (though these days my pg arse cant be bothered to do a lot I must admit) but I do expect him to be a father when he gets home from work.... after all he gets most of the day off from that job.

He does normally tidy up the toys when I am having a shower too, I never ask but he normally does it. Its the thing I appreciate the most....]]> Wed, 09 Jun 2010 13:52:58 +0000 https://www.ohbaby.co.nz/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=33948&PID=1057885&title=helping-out-or-not#1057885 <![CDATA[Helping out or not.. : Cant speak directly for Grant...]]> https://www.ohbaby.co.nz/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=33948&PID=1057869&title=helping-out-or-not#1057869 Author: SMoody
Subject: 33948
Posted: 09 June 2010 at 1:36pm

Cant speak directly for Grant but can say what he told me however.

His job, at this point of time, is to do his job and get a salary.

My job, while he is at work, is to parent the kids and take care of things as they come up with the house.

Once he is home the things get sort of split. I still do most of the primary caregiving role. Like 60% of the time I bath the kids. (hubby does this a lot too). He mostly do the brushing teeth time and bedtime story.

He often change nappies. Dishes. He only does this when I am having a hard time with Andrew or it is exam time for me. He will glady do it if I ask though.

Cooking and baking. I do this 99% of the time. He bbq's and on family nights on Friday we all do things together. Sometimes over a weekend he does something with McKayla and make food.

Groceries. He never done this on his own though. He hates making lists. He will come now and then but doesnt really like it.

He refuses (yes you read right) that I do the lawns. I am not ALLOWED to touch the lawnmower. (must be dating back to his caveman genes or something). He mostly take the rubbish bags out but I do it as well if he forgot or needs to go to work early.

Point is everything is a negotiation between us. If I feel overwhelmed and things just get too much I will tell him and say I need more help, but mostly he can see it and just chip in.

Whether it is him or me both of us goes and makes the other one a cup of coffee or tea. I am really lucky to have a hubby and friend like him.

That said, yip I do some nagging on occasion and he will also "nag" and tell me when I am too busy with kids and he wants some time or attention too.

He doesnt get up at night for Andrew but he does for McKayla (since Andrew came along) but mostly I do that part.

Yes he does get "Pocket money" but like I said both of us sit down every 3 or so months and set up the budget. We both know what goes in and out. And both of us have access to all the accounts and know each others passwords. No secret accounts etc. And as I said he is getting very upset with the idea that I dont have "pocket" money and that I dont spent on myself and he is trying to get me back into my own hobbies (dont really have the time right now). That way he can spent on his without affecting any of the other budgets. Kids will get "pocket" money too.

And although I "pay" the bills we both have control over finances. And I sent him with the actual spending we did compare to the supposed budget so both of us knows where we went over or under.

My tip: Talk and negotiate works better than nagging. And isnt that what a relationship is?
]]> Wed, 09 Jun 2010 13:36:21 +0000 https://www.ohbaby.co.nz/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=33948&PID=1057869&title=helping-out-or-not#1057869 <![CDATA[Helping out or not.. : Random double post.....Edited...]]> https://www.ohbaby.co.nz/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=33948&PID=1057860&title=helping-out-or-not#1057860 Author: mummyofprinces
Subject: 33948
Posted: 09 June 2010 at 1:33pm

Random double post.....

Edited by melnel]]> Wed, 09 Jun 2010 13:33:00 +0000 https://www.ohbaby.co.nz/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=33948&PID=1057860&title=helping-out-or-not#1057860 <![CDATA[Helping out or not.. : I'll say I handed kiddy duties...]]> https://www.ohbaby.co.nz/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=33948&PID=1057858&title=helping-out-or-not#1057858 Author: kebakat
Subject: 33948
Posted: 09 June 2010 at 1:30pm

I'll say I handed kiddy duties over to DH last night as soon as he walked in the door. After Daniel packing a major paddy about dinner which went on for 2hrs while I'm trying to get some food into myself so I didn't feel sick I had had enough.

Funny that half an hour after DH got home I was in the toilet power chucking. Gotta love stress acting on morning sickness.]]> Wed, 09 Jun 2010 13:30:06 +0000 https://www.ohbaby.co.nz/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=33948&PID=1057858&title=helping-out-or-not#1057858 <![CDATA[Helping out or not.. : Little_Red wrote:Does anyone...]]> https://www.ohbaby.co.nz/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=33948&PID=1057857&title=helping-out-or-not#1057857 Author: fattartsrock
Subject: 33948
Posted: 09 June 2010 at 1:29pm

Little_Red wrote:

Does anyone physically give their DH an allowance??? I haven't heard that! If you got together and discussed the allowance like Flissty is talking about then fine, we have a weekly allowance of $50 each which we have decided on together. But seriously are there women who actually hand out pocket money to their husbands???

What sort of man would put up with that????

Yep Ive read it quite a bit on here! And it stuns me!!!! Hence my testicles instead of a marriage licence joke...

Edited by fattartsrock]]> Wed, 09 Jun 2010 13:29:45 +0000 https://www.ohbaby.co.nz/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=33948&PID=1057857&title=helping-out-or-not#1057857 <![CDATA[Helping out or not.. : I'll put my hand up and say...]]> https://www.ohbaby.co.nz/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=33948&PID=1057838&title=helping-out-or-not#1057838 Author: kiwisj
Subject: 33948
Posted: 09 June 2010 at 1:16pm

I'll put my hand up and say I used to hand C straight over to DH when he arrived home in the early early days too. Usually if C was still awake when DH got home that meant I'd been trying to settle him for at least 3 hours so I needed the mental break! These days DH tends to get up to C in the night because I'm pregnant again and also because some days that's the only time he sees his son

Yup, he works long hours, thankfully only 5 days a week though.

In terms of house work and things, we have a helper now so TBH I don't have to do much of the boring stuff at all - yay! It was DH pushing to get help as we both really struggled in the early months with C with him being prem and not having family here to take up the slack when we really needed it. So now M does the daily chores and big cleaning stuff and will babysit C once or twice a week so DH and I can go out together in the evening.

During the week I don't expect any help from DH with anything to do with the house. If he gets home before C's bed time he will get changed and then get straight into playing with C/having tea together/shower and bed time. He chooses to do those things so he has some time with his son! It's not particularly taxing as it's mostly all taken care of in advance (eg tea is made, DH just sits with C at the table, I'm usually there too). When C is in bed that's our time off

On the weekends I expect DH to clean up after himself and also to help with the dishes when I've done the cooking.

Money - we don't do "allowances" or anything, we just spend what we need/want to and will discuss major things/ongoing expenses when we need to. Money management is the only thing we really argue about but it's more to do with who's responsible for what. In theory I should be paying the bills as they come in (from our joint account) but the reality is EVERYTHING has to be in DH's name so whenever there's a problem I can't deal with it

It really winds me up and I have to call DH at work and get him to deal with it when he has time ... then things get forgotten and we get into an argument when a reminder arrives and I haven't sorted it out. Sigh.

Anyways that's what works for us

]]> Wed, 09 Jun 2010 13:16:17 +0000 https://www.ohbaby.co.nz/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=33948&PID=1057838&title=helping-out-or-not#1057838 <![CDATA[Helping out or not.. : We both work fulltime in our house,...]]> https://www.ohbaby.co.nz/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=33948&PID=1057830&title=helping-out-or-not#1057830 Author: mummy_becks
Subject: 33948
Posted: 09 June 2010 at 1:11pm

We both work fulltime in our house, but I am the "bread winner" of the 2 of us. So we have worked out between us how jobs etc get done around the house. and yes he does more than me but due to the hours we both work it works out well for us.

What annoys me is our "weekends"

My weekend is the traditional Sat and Sun where his is Sun, Mon. Some Saturdays when he gets home from work I do stand there and say "they are all yours to deal with", now I know he has had a hard day at work, but Saturday is also my weekend day so I wil say that some days and he does take over. Usually it is just getting them into bed as they won't go for me (story of my life some days).

He gets Monday to himself (inbetween dropping off and picking up Andrew from school), so that is his day to do as he pleases. Kinda annoys me a little as I don't have that time to myself as he works Saturady and we both have Sunday off.

Money well I am the breadwinner but I am also a bad spender. I am actually happy to receive my "allowance" every week that pays for my smokes and whatever else I feel like. I need it cos if he didn't do that to me the money would be gone on clothes, shoes etc on me.

]]> Wed, 09 Jun 2010 13:11:19 +0000 https://www.ohbaby.co.nz/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=33948&PID=1057830&title=helping-out-or-not#1057830 <![CDATA[Helping out or not.. : I wouldn't want Dh to be...]]> https://www.ohbaby.co.nz/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=33948&PID=1057825&title=helping-out-or-not#1057825 Author: caliandjack
Subject: 33948
Posted: 09 June 2010 at 1:09pm

I wouldn't want Dh to be getting up in the middle of the night if he has work the next day - I'd hate him to end up making mistakes or injuring himself cause he's sleep deprived. Don't need that guilt on my concisence.]]> Wed, 09 Jun 2010 13:09:07 +0000 https://www.ohbaby.co.nz/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=33948&PID=1057825&title=helping-out-or-not#1057825 <![CDATA[Helping out or not.. : i hear you on the clothes though...]]> https://www.ohbaby.co.nz/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=33948&PID=1057822&title=helping-out-or-not#1057822 Author: ElfsMum
Subject: 33948
Posted: 09 June 2010 at 1:07pm

i hear you on the clothes though my DH is like that..they are on the floor and then not put away:) but i am very lucky he is very helpful but we are both quite lazy underneath it all:) i wish he would go out and do things but he never really spends much time away from us but i would never stop him spending money as he earnt it:) !!

i never expected DH to get up but he has a habit of sleeping on the couch so gets woken lol.. but i do wish sometimes in the weekend he could:) but he could sleep through a tornado and i guess if its one thing I am old fashioned about it is that the one working should get the sleep..

but in general I think it's whatever works...all sorts of different things work for different people:) ]]> Wed, 09 Jun 2010 13:07:47 +0000 https://www.ohbaby.co.nz/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=33948&PID=1057822&title=helping-out-or-not#1057822