I think what happens is that we don't "lose" friends, rather we drift apart as our focus and perspective on life change after we have a baby. No longer are we able to just think of ourselves, but we have a significant other and a baby who need us as well, so our whole outlook on life is slightly different to what it was when we were childless. And this is difficult to comprehend for non baby people and there is no way you can convince them otherwse!
The things that were so important are different to what they were BC(before child). Sometimes we recconect with those friends when they settle down or start families or we are back on similar pages and sometimes we don't. I can't rememeber the full saying but there is a nice saying about how sometimes we have friends for a reason or friends for a season.
I think its a bit selfish and unrealstic to assume that all BC friendships will remain the same, that those friends should be supporting us etc. It is a two way street, and as we all know with a new baby, it is sometimes difficult to make the time and effort when we have small children and its a bit hard to expect our BC friends (especially the childless ones) to do the same thing. Some will but in all honestly most won't.
I was the first of my friends to have a child and I totally felt the burn. Some of those friendships that fell to the wayside have mended and others haven't, but it is fair to say that they aren't the same anymore. After a long time and siginificant effort, I have managed to make some new friends, but it does take ages to get your mojo back and redefine yourself.
If you do want to mend those friendships that have fallen away, some tips...Expect that they will treat you differently. you might not think so, but you have changed. Don't be "all about the baby" - your baby is wonderfull and the light of your life, but it is, to be frank, boring, for others to listen to you wax lyrical about the baby,becry the pitfalls of being a sahm, etc etc. Hell, it gets boring for those of us with children, so imagine how it feels for the non baby gang! (Just like how after you become a mum hearing your single childless friends rant about the dating scene and watching them make the same mistakes ad infinitim is mindnumbingly boring) Try to find some other common ground to chat about if conversation stalls. Don't always expect them to drop everything for you because you've "had a baby" unless they have been in the same boat, they won't understand this.. Remember it's a two way street. They will be keener to make an effort if you do too. It's not about point scoring or owing or one upping, its about a two way street, regardless of the situation. And lastly if its too hard and too much effort, don't waste your tears or your energy. Soon, you will meet other mums and after a while, have a whole new circle of friends.
Sucks the big one, hurts like hell, but trust me, it gets easier.
Good luck to you all!
The Honest Un PC Parent of 2, usually stuck in the naughty corner! :P
One thing I have found especially since getting married. Is before a lot of my friends were male and I never had a lot of female friends. Dh doesn't have a lot of close friends and I havn't formed any close relationships with their partners etc.
Here is the poem that fattarts was probably referring too - hope it helps.
When someone is in your life for a REASON, it is usually to meet a need you have expressed outwardly or inwardly. They have come to assist you through a difficulty, or to provide you with guidance and support, to aid you physically, emotionally, or even spiritually. They may seem like a godsend to you, and they are. They are there for a reason,you need them to be. Then, without any wrong doing on your part or at an inconvenient time, this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end. Sometimes they die, Sometimes they just walk away. Sometimes they act up or out and force you to take a stand. What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilleed; their work is done. The prayer you sent up has been answered and it is now time to move on.
When people come into your life for a SEASON, it is because your turn has come to share, grow, or learn. They may bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh. They may teach you something you have never done. They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy. Believe it! It is real! But, only for a season. And like Spring turns to Summer and Summer to Fall, the season eventually ends.
LIFETIME, relationships teach you a lifetime of lessons; those things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation. Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person/people (anyway);, and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas in your life. It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant. Thank you for being part of my life.....
OMG, I so agree with fattartsrock, especially the tips about mending friendships --- I have just learnt all this the hard way. Me and my best friend have had a big conversation a few months back about how boring she finds my kids talk and how boring I find her "theres no men in akl and I hate my job" talk, but we wanted to remain friends so had a big chat / cleared the air .... then I realised a few months later she never contacts me, just answers if I contact her. So I'm trying not to let it get to me too much .... just invited her to both my kids b'day and mine -- turned down the kids invite but is happy to come along to drink with my friends! I shouldn't really let it bother me, cos as you say its hard for people BC to understand (and I would have been the same!) But yes, I doubt the friendship will ever be the same :(
Re school and friends --- I'm not close to any of my school friends still (the one I was is in Oz) and I've never had a problem making friends, so I don't believe that. Most people I've met through clubbing, flatting, uni, work and hubbys friends ... and now coffee group too. When I look back, most of the friendship have developed over a number of years ..... so I think it really does take time.
I think you really just have to hang in there .... it takes time, but I've got some really close friends from my antenatal group now - but our kids have just turned 3 and its only been in the last 6-12 months that we've become close enough to a couple of them to actually have dinners together and plan trips away! when we first started classes I didn't think I would be close friends with any of them as we're all a little different. But now they're some of my closest friends!!
I could have written this!
I have always found it hard to make friends, I am terrible at small talk and am quite shy when it comes to starting conversations with people. DH is the complete opposite!
I drifted away from all my friends from high school when we all went to different Uni's although it probably happened before then when we all had BFs from different groups. From then I have made aquiantences (sp??) but no 'friends', mainly because the people DH and I meet are in different situations from us, either a bit younger and single or much older when odler or grown children. My coffee group has given me 3 very close friends and friends but as Nikki said it has taken time, we have 'been together' since Jack was born and it took a few years for us to get close.
I suppose you have to remember it takes time and effort to make and friends, something that is not always easy when you have kids that keep you on your toes!
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Nikki wrote:
