Men and communication
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Category: General Chat
Forum Name: General Chat
Forum Description: For mums, dads, parents-to-be, grandparents, friends -- you name it! And you name the topic you want to chat about!
URL: https://www.ohbaby.co.nz/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=10163
Printed Date: 01 April 2026 at 8:23pm
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Topic: Men and communication
Posted By: nictoddie
Subject: Men and communication
Date Posted: 24 August 2007 at 2:05pm
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Well here I am, my dh is totally not a talker and bottles things up till he explodes and over the stupidist things, it has caused us to seperate twice and I honestly thought it might be all over last night but we have come out the other side this morning totally shattered and not much sleep! It causes so much anxiety and stress but I just do not know how to get him to talk, he does not come from a talking family where as I do, if there is a problem it is discussed it has caused alot of friction with my family to the point where my parents feel he is rude. At the moment we are in the middle of packing to move which he finds very stressful and we have had to move so many times in the past two years which does not help. The plus side he is enjoying his job but deep down I think he may suffer from depression but how do I help him? His parents are both deceased and his siblings all live up north or in oz and they don't get in touch very often, he's not really a blokes bloke go to the pub and have lots of mates sort of guy he did play rugby this year the first time in 5 years and enjoyed it which was great.
Sorry for the rant but just needed to get it out! ------------- 
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Replies:
Posted By: Kellz
Date Posted: 24 August 2007 at 2:26pm
 Sorry u having a tough time. He sounds a lot like my DH. He doesnt have any friends that live in the same town, and doesnt do anything socially.His family dont discuss things either, and his mum has several close family memebers she hasnt spoken to for years. I wish I could help you. I hope someone has some bright ideas tho, I might pinch them 
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Posted By: surfergirl
Date Posted: 24 August 2007 at 2:36pm
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Hi Guys,
I know where you are coming from. My DH's family actually wrote (what they thought) was a lovely poem for their Dad's birthday, celebrating the fact that their parents had (and I quote) 'brought us up not to talk about emotions and other stupid stuff”. Crikey! I come from a home where my Mum's a social worker and always asking about our feelings and stuff, so I find it really hard too. For us we had a situation where it all turned to crap, and I just said..."I'm off to see a counsellor to talk about this." - Trying not to be judgemental. And then said, "I’d really appreciate if you could come too." He UNWILLING came along at first, but man, it's great! He really looks forward to it now, she often backs him up, and makes me look at things from another perspective (like this family speak a whole other language from me) and it's really helped him grow. Now, even if it's not in all emotional type words that make sense to me, he's able to let me know what's wrong etc. It's the best thing we have ever done. The Family Court gives you 6 free sessions a year. Every year! Our marriage wasn’t in trouble, but this has made it even stronger. I hope that it can do the same for you. Hope this makes sense and big hugs from another who's been there!
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Posted By: nictoddie
Date Posted: 24 August 2007 at 2:36pm
Thanks nice to know I am not alone in this world, sure feels like it sometimes -------------
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Posted By: nictoddie
Date Posted: 24 August 2007 at 2:39pm
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We have been through counselling when we split up the first time and it did help and we got back together, not sure if he would go down that path again -------------
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Posted By: busymum
Date Posted: 24 August 2007 at 2:54pm
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Can you guys do a once a week/month 'date' to catch up? Would he be willing for that? It takes a lot of patience and listening on us women's parts though lol. Even if finances don't permit, going out for dessert or doing some kind of dessert/cheeseboard at home in the evening doesn't cost a lot. -------------  |
Posted By: surfergirl
Date Posted: 24 August 2007 at 2:57pm
| Nictoddie, perhaps if HE won't go, then you can. Maybe the counsellor can give you some tools that you can use, even if DH doesn't feel OK about going along this time. S/he might just help you through this awful time. Big, big hugs. I know you can sometimes feel all alone! |
Posted By: busymum
Date Posted: 24 August 2007 at 3:07pm
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Oh and another thing, quite often it's little things that trigger an "explosion" but if you pay attention to what sets it off, or what he says at that time, you'll probably find clues as to some similar things that set it off each time: lack of respect, feeling overworked, feeling inadequate, feeling like a bad dad, etc... and sometimes that can help. I'm not blaming here, but the two previous separations may make him even more anxious about expressing his negative feelings. ------------- |
Posted By: Chovynz
Date Posted: 24 August 2007 at 6:56pm
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Just from a man POV, It's VERY difficult to open up. Most of the time we don't know whats in there and aren't in touch with how we're feeling - until something triggers us off.. I've had practice opening up but i know exactly where he's at (i think.)
A book that might help you understand is Men are Clams, Women are Crowbars by David Clarke. Very good reading. When you read it, don't whatever you do say "you have to read this!" - That's "nagging." Buuuuut, if you were to leave it lying around somewhere (after you've read it of course)..... Sorry, I know I'm trying to "fix" it, but i am eager to see your guys relationship strengthened and really do think the book might help you guys. PS Teresa has borrowed it from the Public Library before. I saw the title and...there you go. ------------- Defending the male species since 1980 
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Posted By: mummy_becks
Date Posted: 24 August 2007 at 8:18pm
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Thanks for that book Chovy. Nic my DH is having the same problems but has realised that he is and is now slowly opening up. I hope yours will do that too for you. ------------- I was a puree feeder, forward facing, cot sleeping, pram pushing kind of Mum... and my kids survived! |
Posted By: nictoddie
Date Posted: 25 August 2007 at 5:02pm
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Thanks chovy, might have to go and get that book out, I know you are not trying to fix it, Alot of it comes from our diff up bringings as well but we'll get there, things are back to the norm and we are both looking forward to our move out to toko after that is over things should settle down and it does help that he likes his job which is so important. -------------
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Posted By: EllenMumof2
Date Posted: 25 August 2007 at 8:30pm
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Kalem 6! |
