why dont they understand
Printed From: OHbaby!
Category: Support
Forum Name: Life After Miscarriage
Forum Description: Up to one in five pregnancies ends in miscarriage, yet for many the loss of a pregnancy is isolating and lonely. Share your thoughts and feelings here with others who have experienced loss.
URL: https://www.ohbaby.co.nz/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=10425
Printed Date: 21 June 2025 at 2:07pm
Software Version: Web Wiz Forums 12.05 - http://www.webwizforums.com
Topic: why dont they understand
Posted By: Kazzle
Subject: why dont they understand
Date Posted: 03 September 2007 at 7:39am
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why dont my friends and some family members (those that have never been through a miscarriage or loss) just understand that Kent and I have done our grieving and that we are ready to move on.
They seem to think that we should be grieving for a lot longer than what we have, but they werent here over the past 4 days, they havent seen the tears and what ifs, they havent rung to talk to us about it, infact if they have rung they have done everything to not talk about it. they seem to believe that there is no way we can be ready to move on...they dont seem to understand that we can be sad but not want to hold on....oh i hope im making sense. arrgghhh its frustrating....i am so grateful for all my friends and family that have supported us over the past few days and i think this is a big part of how we are ready to move on. ------------- http://lilypie.com"> 
http://lilypie.com"> 
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Replies:
Posted By: nictoddie
Date Posted: 03 September 2007 at 8:43am
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You might just have to be blunt and tell them straight up that you have dealt with it and that now you just want to get on with it. ------------- 
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Posted By: busymum
Date Posted: 03 September 2007 at 8:52am
Gosh that's a bit unfair of them to be talking like that  I think you just need to tell them that when you're ready is only something that you and Kent can be the judge of, not anyone else. Any kind of grieving takes different amounts of time for different people. And with any kind of grieving again, it can come and go too.-------------  |
Posted By: Bizzy
Date Posted: 03 September 2007 at 9:23am
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how do you know that is what they are thinking?
if they have never experienced miscarriage then no they dont know how long you will want to grieve for and everyone would grieve differently anyway. Maybe if you want to let them know you are ok you should start acting normally around them again and let them know you are fine... dont be too hard on your friends.  ------------- http://www.myfitnesspal.com/weight-loss-ticker"> 
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Posted By: AnnC
Date Posted: 03 September 2007 at 10:23am
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Coming from someone who has never had a miscarriage or lost a child I wouldn't know what to say nor would I know how much time one needs to grieve for. I have had a friend who lost their baby and I didn't know what to say, all that i could say was I am so sorry for your loss and I am here if you need me. Then let them do the talking. If you let your friends and family know that you have done your grieving etc... I am sure they would understand. ------------- Ann 
Also Mum to Josh (15) and Brooke (10) |
Posted By: Kazzle
Date Posted: 03 September 2007 at 12:21pm
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GandT i know thats what they are thinking cos they have actually said it to my family.
I not being hard on my friends i just wish they would talk to me, and when i did ring them to talk they were at such a loss to what to say that they didnt want to speak, which was really hard. I have actually had one friend ring me to today to talk to me as she felt she was avoiding me becasue she didnt know what to say...which was really good as we had a great chat
I know for myself that before i had had any experience with any of this that if my family or friends went through it, i use to just say that i was really sorry and that i didnt know what to say to them, but i was always here if they needed to talk, and i guess i just expected the same. Its all good though, everybody handles things differently ------------- http://lilypie.com">
http://lilypie.com">
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Posted By: Maya
Date Posted: 04 September 2007 at 9:28pm
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For me I find it comes and goes, most of the time I'm ok, but every now and then I get this wave of grief, or I start thinking all the cliched why's and why me's etc. And certain things trigger flashbacks to the actual m/c process, when I first discovered I was bleeding etc.
Time definitely helps tho! I don't cry much about it anymore. ------------- Maya Grace (28/02/03)
 (02/01/06)
The Gremlins:Sienna Marie & Mercedes Kailah (14/10/06)
Lil miss:Chiara Louise Chloe (09/07/08)
Her ladyship:Rosalia Sophie Anais (18/06/12)
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Posted By: Kazzle
Date Posted: 05 September 2007 at 8:09am
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(((hugs emma))), it really isnt easy, and i know that no matter how much i say that ive over it and ready to move on i know im gonna have times where i just cry or get mad or whatever. ------------- http://lilypie.com">
http://lilypie.com">
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Posted By: caitlynsmygirl
Date Posted: 10 September 2007 at 2:02pm
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do they try to get you to talk about it kaz? maybe next time someone does just say politely and firmly something like " thanks,yeah it has been really hard, and we've had our moments about it but kent and I feel its time to move on, we'll never forget our baby but we want to go forwards now." and hopefully that person might spread the word around that your not "over it" but want to move on with your lives and are doing so at your own pace.
sorry, i havent really experienced this before so im probably not much help |
Posted By: peachy
Date Posted: 10 September 2007 at 3:30pm
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This is something I have never experienced before with myself or a friend, but just last week I had a friend m/c at 17 weeks pregnant. I personally have struggled with knowing what to say, when to say it, how to say it and actually I felt just plain awful, nothing I could say could heal her pain. I have felt her pain and grief and am dealing with her loss in my own way as it has affected me greatly, especially that I am pregnant and know how badly she wanted this baby.
I hope that your friends have accepted you have moved on now kazzle, but personally I am struggling to move on from my own friends grief at the moment, and I hope I can move on to when she has come to terms with it. ------------- http://lilypie.com">  http://lilypie.com">
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Posted By: Kazzle
Date Posted: 10 September 2007 at 4:30pm
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hey thanks guys, my friends are all good now, they know ive moved on, and a couple of them have finally said to me, we just didnt know what to say or do, and i replied to them, that if they had just said to me, "we dont know what to say or do, but we are here if you need us" then i would have been happy with that...its far better than avoiding me and/or topic.
anyway its all good now, and when ppl do ask me about it, i tend to say yeah it was hard, but we are moving on now and planning on starting again soon. :) ------------- http://lilypie.com">
http://lilypie.com">
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