A Little Messed Up..
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Category: General Chat
Forum Name: General Chat
Forum Description: For mums, dads, parents-to-be, grandparents, friends -- you name it! And you name the topic you want to chat about!
URL: https://www.ohbaby.co.nz/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=10491
Printed Date: 25 October 2025 at 11:30am
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Topic: A Little Messed Up..
Posted By: MissCandice
Subject: A Little Messed Up..
Date Posted: 05 September 2007 at 11:14am
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I would really love for my DF to read this, as iv felt this way for awhile just too scared to open up and talk about it.. Just needed to get it off my chest.
I don’t even know where to start. I’m scared. That’s the beginning. I want to be all you want me to be but I’m afraid I cant, then again I’m more afraid I’m not. Baby is 3 weeks today that scares me too. Can I be a mum? I am afraid of us, I am afraid of loosing you. I am afraid I cant make you happy anymore. I am afraid your going to go elsewhere to get what I cant give you, what I know you want. Writing things down is so much easier than saying them. I want to give you the world but I can’t even give you sex so how I am supposed to give you the world. I’m afraid that I’m to horrible and fat now that you don even want to look at me because I know i find it rally hard to look at myself. I’m finding it really hard to come to terms with the weight iv gained, the stretch marks iv got and id give anything to look like I did before I got pregnant. To be pretty again and to be skinny again. I would give anything to make you smile again like I used too. I would give anything for you to think of me in ways you haven’t before, To think I’m more than just a slut. Because im not. Maybe I try to hard, or maybe I don’t try hard enough. I’ve bought stuff to try making the stretch marks go away and I’m determined to try and loose all the weight to be the girl you fell in love with. I’m just afraid that you wont love the new me. That the new me will be to ugly for anyone to look at again. I used to live for comments, I used to love the attention. At least I new I was wanted. At least I felt like someone. Right now I feel like a blob of stretched fat. I’m so afraid I will look like this forever. I’m afraid the dream I have is just a dream. I dream of us doing things as a family, I dream of us being the family I never had and always wanted. I dream of us being more than the world. I dream of our wedding. I dream of our baby’s first smile. I dream of family outings to take her to the park, to feed the ducks, to see her smile, to hear her laugh. To see you smile and to see you laugh, To see us as a family, To be in this together. I’m afraid of being alone, I’m afraid of being alone with her, I’m afraid of hurting her, I’m afraid of hurting you. I’m afraid I can’t cope. I’m afraid there’s something wrong with me. I’m afraid of being afraid. I’m afraid I won’t have you here when I need you the most. I’m afraid I can’t give you what you need, I’m afraid a hug is not enough. I’m afraid of needing you too much. I am afraid that you don’t need me as much as I need you, that you will be fine without me. I am afraid I am depressed. I try to do everything, I try to be someone you will like, I try to like the things you like just so you will like me. I feel like a helpless schoolgirl with no friends. What friends do I have? Im afraid that its just going to be me and her, that one day you will be gone. Yeah I am afraid that you will get sick too. I wish I could make you understand. Im sorry you think I don’t care but I just don’t know how to face sickness, how to talk about it. I wish I could be more. I wish I could help more, buy you more. I wish I didn’t have to ask you for money, ask you for help. But then I wish I could if I needed to but I feel bad because then you miss out As you said the other day you want to be able to buy all these things, but you cant which is why I went to work because if I didn’t and then I asked you to help me cover my share of rent then its because of me that you missed out again. Yeah I wish I could buy things too, I wish I could get my hair done, my nails done, get a facial or just do something for me but at the end of the day If I buy baby one more thing I missed out on as a child that makes me just as happy. I don’t want her to miss out because I was feeling down and wanted a facial to make myself feel better, because at the end of the day I would just feel guilty for making her miss out and for being selfish. I am afraid that something is going to go wrong. Nothing ever goes right for me, everything finds a way of falling apart. I hope im not falling apart.. Does any of this even make sense? Probably not, I’m sorry. I just feel so inadequate, that I’m nothing, not worth anything, never will be. I feel like I shouldn’t be here that I don’t belong here. I don’t want to feel this way anymore, I try to make myself forget about the stretch marks, I try not to look in the mirror so that I don’t remind myself. But I can feel them, will they ever go away? What if I have them for life? Could you even look at me? |
Replies:
Posted By: peanut butter
Date Posted: 05 September 2007 at 11:58am
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Lilangel.... I think the way you feel pretty well sums up how we all feel to some point right now. I worry about a lot of these things too. Bloody hormones dont help. But remember you are such an important person right now and your little girl loves you no matter what you look like....and from the photos we have seen of your bump throughout your pregnancy you have NOTHING to worry about.
try to stay smiling!! |
Posted By: nuttymama
Date Posted: 05 September 2007 at 12:16pm
 have sent you a PM but big hugs as well.------------- Abigail 06/01/2005 Jayden 21/11/2001 Micheal 03/04/1997 |
Posted By: floss
Date Posted: 05 September 2007 at 12:49pm
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Sweet I know that it is hard to feel all those things I felt them when my daughter was born and now again with the twins coming along I feel all those things just in double I even ended up at the midwifes the other day colapsing in tears saying that I couldn't cope and her advice is the what I will give to you as well:
You are a great mother and patner, if your little girl is fed and clothed then she is happy all she needs is cuddles and no amount of money can buy her that, I also think that you are being quite hard on yourself in regards to your partner I bet he is finding it a bit of a struggle to adapt to a baby as well it is hard for everyone. Maybe you should also go to the Dr and talk to them about how you are feeling? my midwife wants me to go but at the mo I am going to wait till the twins are born and see if my feelings change. Take care
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Posted By: cuppatea
Date Posted: 05 September 2007 at 1:08pm
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Hey there, I also think you should talk things over with you Dr. It might not hurt to print out what you have just written and give it to your DF, you will probably find he is feeling a lot of the same feelings.
And remember you are only at week 3 most baby books say to allow a year to get back to pre pregnancy weight. I remember looking in the mirror the day after my c/s and thinking oh my god i'm a gross saggy bag of flesh, but 3 months down the line I don't look too bad, not as good as I would like and not quite back to pre pregnancy but a lot lot better.
Hope you feel better soon http://www.trademe.co.nz/Members/Listings.aspx?member=1738084 - Handmade Jewellery ------------- 
 
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Posted By: caraMel
Date Posted: 05 September 2007 at 1:20pm
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I have felt and often still do feel almost all of the things you have talked about chick.
When my babies were as little as yours was the worst time. It is so hard coming to terms with all the ways in which your life, your body, your relationships have changed once baby is out in the world, and dealing with those feelings on top of extreme sleep deprivation and hormones flying around everywhere is enough to make anyone feel messed up. Do try and talk about it, with your partner if you can get up the confidence, or with your midwife/dr/plunket nurse, and here as well. I found it was so important to get it out of my head, to know I wasn't completely awful or nutty for feeling the way I did and that others had been there and survived it. Huge hugs from me too------------- Mel, Mummy to E: 6, B: 4 and: 
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Posted By: AnnC
Date Posted: 05 September 2007 at 1:50pm
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I agree with cuppatea - print this out and give it to him. Even with our comments because we understand. You try to be perfect and all the while you are totally exhausted.
And you know those stretch marks - be proud of them cause everyone help to make your precious daughter and a sign that you are a mother. (yep we all hate them but they are there because you gave life to a human being and thats the most bestest gift that you can give someone) ------------- Ann 
Also Mum to Josh (15) and Brooke (10) |
Posted By: Andie
Date Posted: 05 September 2007 at 4:21pm
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Hun your message has me in tears! Baby is only 3 weeks old, so you've got to know you can't be expected to be anything like your former self in body, mind, emotions - it's just too exhausting this early on in parenthood to try to keep up with what you used to be capable of... a 3-week old is incredibly hard work, and it sounds like you're just hanging in there. Actually, PM you. You should be proud of what you wrote, BTW. ------------- Andie |
Posted By: Lulu
Date Posted: 05 September 2007 at 4:41pm
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Lilangel4me, I wish I could give you a big real hug right now instead of a virtual one. I agree that you should talk things over with your Dr. You may be suffering some baby blues as well as all the natural pressures that come from being a new Mum. I think you need to reach out to your partner and anyone else that you can, for support. I'm sure you are as beautiful as ever and hopefully you will be able to see that for yourself soon. ------------- Lou http://www.babysfirstsite.com"> 
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Posted By: sally belly
Date Posted: 05 September 2007 at 5:31pm
Hey LilAngel, I don't really know what to say but just wanted to let you know that I am thinking of you  It sounds to me as if you're being far too hard on yourself. Your beautiful little girl is only 3 weeks old and we all know it is a huge adjustment for everyone having a new baby in the house. As for the weight, it will come off with time & in the meantime you are still the same beautiful person regardless of any extra weight or stretch marks.
If you feel up to it, I really think that talking to your DF is a good idea. Bottling these things up is never a good idea. Hopefully you'll find that he understands & is there to offer you the support you need at this time. I hope you're feeling a little better. -------------    
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Posted By: Glow
Date Posted: 05 September 2007 at 7:21pm
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's ------------- Mummy of Two Boys B: 2004 K: 2007 |
Posted By: Maya
Date Posted: 05 September 2007 at 7:28pm
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Oooh, I cam almost *feel* the hormones seeping thru the screen! Big hugs lilangel, the first few weeks after baby arrives are probably the weirdest time you'll ever experience, adjusting to being back to one person again and to the person that shared your body for so long being it's own living, breathing (crying, pooing, feeding) person.
Try not to be so hard on yourself. No one will judge you if the house is a bit of a mess or if you eat takeout on the odd occasion. And I'm pretty sure none of us like our post-baby bodies all that much in the beginning. Money sucks too, we're damned if we've got it and damned if we don't. But if it makes you feel better spending it on things for bub than on things for you then hey, do it! And if you want to treat yourself, then do that too! As for the relationship thing, that takes a bit of adjustment post baby too, adjusting to the new dynamics and your new roles as parents. Hang on in there. It passes! And know that pretty much every one of us here who's ever had a 3 week old baby can identify with what you're thinking so you are definitely not alone! Big hugs! ------------- Maya Grace (28/02/03)
 (02/01/06)
The Gremlins:Sienna Marie & Mercedes Kailah (14/10/06)
Lil miss:Chiara Louise Chloe (09/07/08)
Her ladyship:Rosalia Sophie Anais (18/06/12)
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Posted By: busymum
Date Posted: 05 September 2007 at 8:13pm
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Hi I read your post earlier in the day and keep coming back to it. I can identify with sooooo much of what you wrote but wasn't sure what to say. The exhaustion of the first few weeks, all the hormones, all the questions and "what ifs" and other life changes... it's pretty normal from what I've seen, and I've been through that after every baby I've had. Although I've gotta say that my first was the hardest because of my change of identity as well. Perhaps I was more prepared for the others but I still ended up in a sobbing heap on my DH's shoulders.
I think you have done an awesome job of writing it out. I would also print it out and give it to your DF, if nothing else it will help you express a little and hopefully he'll be lost for words and offer you a great big manly hug  It wouldn't hurt to show your mw either. At least it's already put into words, so I guess that makes it "easy".
btw I don't think you sound depressed at all.... well, depressed to a degree, as in a normal kind of depression/low... but I think you'll swing back up soon. With every week of baby it does get easier, and it's only another 3 weeks before you start getting smiles as rewards for being so loving and concerned towards your new little baby. As for the weight, you may surprise yourself with how quickly it trims up, once your muscles figure out that they don't have to hold a baby in there any more. I give myself the first 6mos before I start doing anything drastic (more than walking hehe) and have been really surprised with how much difference my body makes "on it's own" in that time. ------------- |
Posted By: Leish
Date Posted: 05 September 2007 at 9:02pm
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------------- http://lilypie.com">  http://lilypie.com">
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Posted By: Rachael21
Date Posted: 05 September 2007 at 9:13pm
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I think a lot of the ladies have summed up what I was thinking. The only thing I can really say is that it does get easier as you both adjust.
I'm feeling a bit like you do with the weight thing but I do remember with Jack i was pleasantly suprised that I was pretty much back to normal after 6 months and no real effort so give yourself some time your body knows what to do. |
Posted By: yummymummy
Date Posted: 05 September 2007 at 9:30pm
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I'm not very good with words and what others hace said sums up what I wanted to say anyways. Gosh the first few weeks - no one can prepare you for those - but it does get (heaps) better. Big big hugs ------------- http://lilypie.com">  http://lilypie.com">
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Posted By: Rackhell
Date Posted: 06 September 2007 at 11:02am
| Oh, i think everyone else has said what i wanted to say, but hang in there, we're definitely with you. Take care. xx |
Posted By: MissCandice
Date Posted: 06 September 2007 at 12:56pm
| Arrrgg i make myself cry everytime i read it, how depressing! |
Posted By: busymum
Date Posted: 06 September 2007 at 2:07pm
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If you're like me, you'll find having written it and then reading it again will be very theraputic. ------------- |
Posted By: Rachael21
Date Posted: 06 September 2007 at 8:50pm
| I had another thought during the day have you applied to ird for working for families? Because that should get pain to you and depending on how much your dp gets pain and how much rent u pay u might be entitled to accomodation supplement from winz. |
Posted By: MissCandice
Date Posted: 07 September 2007 at 8:51am
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iv looked at it but i am on maternity leave dont i have to wait for that to finish? ------------- ~ Mummy to a beautiful girl ~ |
Posted By: Rachael21
Date Posted: 07 September 2007 at 11:27am
| hmm unsure about that maybe give them a call and ask. you might still get accomodation supplement if you earn below $985 before tax |
Posted By: Andie
Date Posted: 07 September 2007 at 3:45pm
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There's 2 parts to the IRD payment, and one of those isn't income tested at all (your tax break which is paid to you in cold, hard cash). It's a short-term thing, 6 weeks of payments I think, and you can receive it now, or at the end of the tax year. In all seriousness, is DF good about the family finances, or it it 'his money' vs. 'your money'? Because if you're struggling to find money for baby stuff and household stuff, I wonder if it'd be worth you applying for it alone, and having it credited to your own bank account? It is money for the baby, after all. ------------- Andie |
Posted By: MissCandice
Date Posted: 07 September 2007 at 8:52pm
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Iv never heard of the tax break thing i guess i should look into it..
To be honest i feel his money is his.. because when i ask hm for money to pay his share of something he will say something that makes me feel bad like "well now im broke" when im living off for 2 weeks what he lives off in one week.. i mean come on! And im still paying the same rent, food, power that he is except i pay for the drum guy to remove rubbish and pay the phone bill.. but when i say oh can you put in for this i feel bad! So i end up buying all her stuff that she needs.. ------------- ~ Mummy to a beautiful girl ~ |
Posted By: busymum
Date Posted: 07 September 2007 at 9:10pm
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I think you guys need to look into the IRD/WINZ benefits, then do a budget together. IMO if you are trying to look after a 3wk old baby and worry about 'his money' and 'your money' then you're really in a stressful spot. When you have a child, things have to change to be 'our family', 'our time' and 'our money/expenses'.
The IRD are usually pretty helpful when you call up and ask what you are eligible for etc. Otherwise you can trawl through their website if you would prefer. ------------- |
Posted By: MissCandice
Date Posted: 08 September 2007 at 8:05am
Im the same iv spent every dollar i made since becoming pregnant buying kylahs things so when i sell them its my money.. well i am going to spend it on her but its my choice. I also dong think he realizes i only get paid untill november.. Im trying to get him to put some money towards a bumbo with me.. i mean its not like im asking him to pay for a $300 shopping spree for me! ------------- ~ Mummy to a beautiful girl ~ |
BellaBabysMum wrote:Posted By: Rachael21
Date Posted: 08 September 2007 at 5:29pm
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My dp was a bit like yours so we adjusted how much rent we paid so it gave me a bit more money. I pay for food and he pays for everything else (including most of the rent) and it leaves us with a bit left over. Because my money pays for groceries its up to me to find the cheap options and try and get our bill down so i get more money and he tries to get out electricity down.
I know people keep saying this but it really does get easier for both of you.
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