big stuff
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Category: General Chat
Forum Name: General Chat
Forum Description: For mums, dads, parents-to-be, grandparents, friends -- you name it! And you name the topic you want to chat about!
URL: https://www.ohbaby.co.nz/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=10681
Printed Date: 07 April 2026 at 3:53am
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Topic: big stuff
Posted By: lizzle
Subject: big stuff
Date Posted: 12 September 2007 at 5:54pm
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well. have just rung hubby at work and asked him to come home straight after work. i feel a bit guilty as now he is going to worry. i think tonight we may be over. confession time: I found out he cheated. Ages ago. (and I found out in january) But when we were together and I was pregnant. we were in japan at the time. the girl he cheated with is still a good friend of his. Anyway, i read his email and it basically was her talking about how she stil misses and loves him. Previously I had said that they could remain friends and I would be okay about it (i figured she's in japan and can't come to visit so no problem), well, it's a problem. i feel like it's rubbing it in my face and I can't cope. so tonight I'm saying stop being friends with her, or we are through. I guess the reason I am writing this here is that i don't want to wuss out. and I know I am fully capable. i wrote a letter outlining everything, but when I rang, my heart melted. (hence me writing the letter - i know me well). before I felt like
I had no feeling about it all and would be quite matter-of-fact. now not sure. poor kids are eating in front of the tv, and now I just sit and wait for him to come home and my life to change or not. heres the thing though ladies - i am only telling you guys - as in, have not told anyone else at all - cause i know that you won't judge me whatever decision I make. If I told any of my family, or his in fact, they would be so angry and I would never be able to work things out, if thats what we decide. So I would really appreciate support here, not necessarily people suggesting what i should do. |
Replies:
Posted By: Gwen_
Date Posted: 12 September 2007 at 5:58pm
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Aww babe, if ya ever need to chat Im here, lots and lots of hugs to you and your boys. I know your'll make the best decision! ------------- We're in America for 3 months with Mummy and Daddy! http://lilypie.com">  
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Posted By: mum2paris
Date Posted: 12 September 2007 at 6:00pm
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nothing to say but hope it goes whichever way is best for you and the kids. not a nice situation to be in.
Hugs, be strong. will be thinking of you. ------------- Janine and her 2 cool chicks, Paris & Ayja 
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Posted By: MummyFreckle
Date Posted: 12 September 2007 at 6:02pm
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Oh Lizzle - I really feel for you. Its a very tough decision to have to make, and unfortunatley only you know what is best for you! You will of course have loads of support from all of us - regardless of your decision, so dont worry about that! I know from personal experience that once the trust is gone then its very hard to ever really get it back, but sometimes you can move on - but it has to be "right" for you to do that. Hang in there, I hope the conversation goes okay (I know it wont be fun or easy). Hugs ------------- http://lilypie.com">  http://lilypie.com">
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Posted By: MissCandice
Date Posted: 12 September 2007 at 6:29pm
Lizzle.. I feel for you, i know from too much experience how it can feel.. Big Hugz to you have your family  ------------- ~ Mummy to a beautiful girl ~ |
Posted By: lizzle
Date Posted: 12 September 2007 at 6:34pm
| thank you ladies so much. actualy brought tears to my (hard-ass) eyes |
Posted By: busymum
Date Posted: 12 September 2007 at 6:37pm
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I guess you're probably talking things over right now, I'm thinking of ya because that's very big stuff as you said. I guess it mostly depends on his feelings towards her, you know her feelings towards him but not necessarily the reverse. Let us know how it goes. -------------  |
Posted By: Helen21
Date Posted: 12 September 2007 at 6:47pm
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My heart goes out to you lizzle, I think a lot of us have been through hard times like this and I know it's never easy. We are all here for you no matter what the outcome is. You just need to remember when times are tough it can only get better. We are all thinking of you.
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Posted By: Maya
Date Posted: 12 September 2007 at 6:49pm
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Thinking of you Liz, hope the talk goes well. I think your ultimatum is only fair given the situation. Big hugs!
BTW, you did well keeping that one from us, we are a pretty nosey bunch! ------------- Maya Grace (28/02/03)
 (02/01/06)
The Gremlins:Sienna Marie & Mercedes Kailah (14/10/06)
Lil miss:Chiara Louise Chloe (09/07/08)
Her ladyship:Rosalia Sophie Anais (18/06/12)
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Posted By: caraMel
Date Posted: 12 September 2007 at 7:00pm
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Sending you lots of hugs Lizzle, I hope things turn out okay tonight xxx ------------- Mel, Mummy to E: 6, B: 4 and: 
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Posted By: cuppatea
Date Posted: 12 September 2007 at 7:05pm
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Best wishes for you. ------------- 
 
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Posted By: Freesia
Date Posted: 12 September 2007 at 7:08pm
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All the best Lizzle -------------  
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Posted By: yummymummy
Date Posted: 12 September 2007 at 7:10pm
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Hope it all turns out as you'd like it to ------------- http://lilypie.com">  http://lilypie.com">
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Posted By: lizzle
Date Posted: 12 September 2007 at 7:15pm
| Emma, to be honest, just wanted to pretend nothing was happening. I'm pretty good at denial! BTW all still on for potluck on wednesday just in case anyone was going to decide it may be too hard for me. Hubby wasn't ever going to be there anyway so no awkward "hi's" |
Posted By: busymum
Date Posted: 12 September 2007 at 7:16pm
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Have you guys been able to talk yet? ------------- |
Posted By: SMoody
Date Posted: 12 September 2007 at 7:18pm
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Hope the talk went down okay. I know you dont know me that well but sometimes a stranger can actually make a better listener and soundboard for you. Pm me anytime you want and we can set up a chat on Skype.
I think it is great that you written a letter. Sometimes it is better to put it down on paper. Less chance of emotions getting too involved and the point of the thing not getting through clear. ------------- http://lilypie.com"> 
http://lilypie.com"> 
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Posted By: lizzle
Date Posted: 12 September 2007 at 7:26pm
| not yet talked. hubby works in a bar so late nights are the one at the mo. So probably no chat til 11. so i can sit...and think and overthink and overthink. lovely. my plans are to ignore all the mess in the house (and believe me, there is a lot), shower and live in my bed with the electric blanket on. |
Posted By: fattartsrock
Date Posted: 12 September 2007 at 7:27pm
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oh mate that sucks. Hope you stay strong. Big hugs to you. xxx ------------- The Honest Un PC Parent of 2, usually stuck in the naughty corner! :P |
Posted By: caitlynsmygirl
Date Posted: 12 September 2007 at 7:59pm
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im so sad that youve been carrying that around yourself chick, i wish there was some way we could make this easier for you
I guess all we can do is be here when and if you want to talk and send you lots of and love.
Hope the talk goes well, will be thinking of you |
Posted By: daikini
Date Posted: 12 September 2007 at 8:06pm
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Thinking of you ------------- Becca, mum of 2 girls & 3 boys |
Posted By: nikkitheknitter
Date Posted: 12 September 2007 at 8:37pm
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Oh Liz! Holy crap!!
Sorry to hear about it..  Was that why that Japanese girl was emailing or was that still bullsh*te?
Totally fair enough with the ultimatum. Hope it works out for ya. If you ever need to get away you know we'd happily have ya in Welly! 
xoxox |
Posted By: Anna
Date Posted: 12 September 2007 at 8:52pm
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Liz, I hope everything works out for you. This is sad news and I hope you get the result that is best for you. There are lotsa people here with their fingers crossed for you. ------------- Anna http://lilypie.com"> 
http://lilypie.com"> 
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Posted By: Rachael21
Date Posted: 12 September 2007 at 9:01pm
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I hope the talk goes well Liz
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Posted By: Maya
Date Posted: 12 September 2007 at 9:18pm
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*Hanging around and hoping that the silence from Liz is a sign that she is spending quality time with DH and not something more ominous* ------------- Maya Grace (28/02/03)
(02/01/06)
The Gremlins:Sienna Marie & Mercedes Kailah (14/10/06)
Lil miss:Chiara Louise Chloe (09/07/08)
Her ladyship:Rosalia Sophie Anais (18/06/12)
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Posted By: Leish
Date Posted: 12 September 2007 at 9:18pm
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Liz ------------- http://lilypie.com">  http://lilypie.com">
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Posted By: busymum
Date Posted: 12 September 2007 at 9:35pm
Ummm Emma, I don't think it's 11pm yet in Palmy  ------------- |
Maya wrote:Posted By: Two Blondinis
Date Posted: 12 September 2007 at 9:42pm
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Sending you lots of "stay strong/stick to your guns" vibes Liz!
What he did is disrespectful to you and your little family and I think you are being more than reasonable with your request Hope you get the outcome you want ------------- http://lilypie.com"> 
 
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Posted By: kiwigal
Date Posted: 12 September 2007 at 9:56pm
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Posted By: jack_&_charli
Date Posted: 12 September 2007 at 9:57pm
oh liz!!!!! 
i think i remember you saying a while back that there was a japanese woman friend of your hubbies that you were unsure about. i hope you get to have that big chat with him when he gets home. good on you for writing it all down first, stick to your guns and you know we are all here for you to give our love and support, no matter what your decision!! am thinking of you and hoping it is all going well..... considering ------------- http://www.alternatickers.com"> 
http://lilypie.com"> 
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Posted By: Bombshell
Date Posted: 12 September 2007 at 10:01pm
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am sending you loads of support and sympathy and hope you get out of life what YOU want from here on in - be it with him or without him
my personal view - I could NEVER forgive someone cheating...it would et me up. DH caught his ex cheating and I know he would never cheat on me as a result.,...if he did he knows my feelings he would be gone!!! in a heart beat..... |
Posted By: james
Date Posted: 12 September 2007 at 10:16pm
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big hugs lizzle ------------- <a href="http://lilypie.com"><img src="http://b4.lilypie.com/nLJ5p13.png" alt="Lilypie 4th Birthday Ticker" border="0" /></a> |
Posted By: lizzle
Date Posted: 13 September 2007 at 8:24am
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well, we had our chat and it turns out there was loads more that I missed out on.
Hubby showed me all her emails and how they were bascially getting more and more inappropraite in the past two months. then showed me his - which were pretty much normal friendly emails....nothing bad. Then he showed me an email from the girls sister that he got about a month ago. he said precviously he was just ignoring the others hoping they'd stop, but now he wasn't sure what he should do. Basically the sister wrote and it turns out the girl has cancer - a large tumour that chemo has stopped any chance of her ever having kids, and she has been really suicidal. the sister was asking Lewis if he knew anything about her plans as the girl isn't talking to anyone. Bloody complicated. So he said that he wants to get out, and get out now, but he feels guilty for all the problems and isn't sure how to get himself out without causing a major meltdown with the girl. So we have agreed, that he will gradually ease off the emails, and that I can read every one. I'm okay with this. It's funny, I always thought I'd never forgive him for cheating, but I guess it isn't as black and white as I initially thought. Thank you everyone so much for the support you;ve given me. It was really horrible last night and bascially I ewas sitting refreshing every two minutes just to stay sane - well untikl I went into my bedroom where the wireless doesn't work properly. |
Posted By: MILF
Date Posted: 13 September 2007 at 8:29am
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oh liz what a horrible complicated situation to be in! how do you feel in your heart now that you have talked about it? i hope this has eased things in your mind. i hope everything works out for you both ------------- Lyla - mum to Xanthe - my big 4 year old 
and Jordis - 1 year old 
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Posted By: peachy
Date Posted: 13 September 2007 at 8:31am
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Hugs to you lizzle! I am so pleased to hear you have sorted things out and you have both come to a decision you are happy with. May your future be filled with love and happiness and a loyal loving husband forever more!
100 points to him for his honesty and being able to talk to you about it! ------------- http://lilypie.com">  http://lilypie.com">
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Posted By: caliandjack
Date Posted: 13 September 2007 at 10:22am
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I'm so glad you have been able to talk to one another and find a mutual solution. Its good to see you DH is making a great effort to show you what's going on.
This woman sounds very manipulative, and your DH should never let himself feel responsible for her actions. Hope it all works out, see ya wednesday with cake. ------------- http://lilypie.com" rel="nofollow">   [/url] Angel June 2012 |
Posted By: fattartsrock
Date Posted: 13 September 2007 at 11:12am
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Its great your DH is being open about it, shows he's not hiding anything, but to be frank, I just don't like the emotional blackmail thing thats going on. Lew isn't responsible for this girls life, and he shouldn't be made to feel like he has to "keep up" communication because this other woman is "sick". Big hugs to you, what a sucky situation! Am pleased you guys had a good talk about it. ------------- The Honest Un PC Parent of 2, usually stuck in the naughty corner! :P |
Posted By: Anna
Date Posted: 13 September 2007 at 12:44pm
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Liz, good for you! Sometimes I think it is harder to stay in a temporarily-tricky relationship than it is to leave and sounds like you are both doing well to work it all out. Relationships are tough at the best of times without having troubled gals making things harder! Thinking of you ------------- Anna http://lilypie.com">
http://lilypie.com">
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Posted By: my2angels
Date Posted: 13 September 2007 at 12:51pm
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Sounds like you handled things well Liz. I dont think things are ever black and white on issues like this. Ive had a similar thing lately and was hell bent on leaving hubby till I heard the full story which was after I had rung my friends at 3am bawling my eyes out so luckily i hadnt rung my family because they wouldnt have wanted me to stick around so i know what you mean there.
Fingers crossed things work out and i bet he feels so much better now he has got it all off his chest and doesnt have any secrets anymore. |
Posted By: nikkitheknitter
Date Posted: 13 September 2007 at 1:07pm
| xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxox |
Posted By: busymum
Date Posted: 13 September 2007 at 1:11pm
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Well that sounds like a very good 'result' and huge points to both of you for working things out - they say a relationship that can get through storms is stronger and better for it. Well done both of you and your DH sounds great with being honest with you now ------------- |
Posted By: Maya
Date Posted: 13 September 2007 at 2:48pm
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I'm glad you were able to reach a resolution that you are ok with Liz. Big hugs, and hoping it's all good from here on out! ------------- Maya Grace (28/02/03)
(02/01/06)
The Gremlins:Sienna Marie & Mercedes Kailah (14/10/06)
Lil miss:Chiara Louise Chloe (09/07/08)
Her ladyship:Rosalia Sophie Anais (18/06/12)
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Posted By: Helen21
Date Posted: 13 September 2007 at 3:11pm
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I'm so glad you managed to find a solution that you are both happy about. Good on you for being strong
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Posted By: Leish
Date Posted: 13 September 2007 at 7:11pm
It never is that black and white and not till you are actually faced with having to deal with this kind of situation that you realise how hard it really would be to just call it all off. I think staying in a relationship and making it work after infedility is much more difficult than calling it quits and admire you and Lew for making it work. Hugs to you both ------------- http://lilypie.com"> http://lilypie.com">
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Posted By: lizzle
Date Posted: 13 September 2007 at 7:35pm
| thanks everyone AGAIN. I love this site. |
Posted By: jack_&_charli
Date Posted: 13 September 2007 at 8:16pm
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ditto what the other ladies have said.....i admire you liz for staying strong and talking to lewis about it and i also admire him for being honest and open with you. it's so easy to just give up on each other and seperate without really trying to work things out. it will be hard, but hopefully smooth sailing from now on.
in my experiences, troubled times can actually bring you closer ------------- http://www.alternatickers.com">
http://lilypie.com">
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Posted By: daikini
Date Posted: 13 September 2007 at 8:20pm
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Well done, Liz, on sitting down and having a mature discussion with Lew on such a difficult subject! I'm glad you came to an arrangement you are happy with, and I wish you both all the best as you grow from this experience.
------------- Becca, mum of 2 girls & 3 boys |
Posted By: Chovynz
Date Posted: 13 September 2007 at 11:17pm
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I bet hes happy you know now too. ------------- Defending the male species since 1980 
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