What would you do.....
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Category: General Chat
Forum Name: General Chat
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URL: https://www.ohbaby.co.nz/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=11075
Printed Date: 03 October 2025 at 9:22pm
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Topic: What would you do.....
Posted By: Jay_R
Subject: What would you do.....
Date Posted: 27 September 2007 at 12:01pm
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If you found out your DH/DP/DF had been looking at internet sites of a 'questionable' nature......
Would you have him up about it, or just leave it????? A friend has just confided that she found some incredibly dodgy sites in her DH's history list on the computer and she's not sure what to do. I reckon have him up about it, but she's not sure it's worth it. Personally, I'd feel a bit like he was cheating, but she said that she has let him get the occasional dvd out, and he has a couple of mags of the 'girly' variety so wonders if she has the right to get grumpy about it. What do you ladies think? |
Replies:
Posted By: Maya
Date Posted: 27 September 2007 at 12:11pm
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I'd have him up about it. Mind you it's not really something I've had to think about, Willie is fairly open about what he gets up to, he's forever bringing home 'dirty' magazines from work but he finds them more amusing than anything else I think, and I don't really think of it as a problem. I think I would be worried if he was doing it secretly tho, that would feel abit like he was trying to hide something. -------------  Maya Grace (28/02/03)
 (02/01/06)
The Gremlins:Sienna Marie & Mercedes Kailah (14/10/06)
Lil miss:Chiara Louise Chloe (09/07/08)
Her ladyship:Rosalia Sophie Anais (18/06/12)
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Posted By: ginger
Date Posted: 27 September 2007 at 12:14pm
Call him on it. I had a situation at home where I found some files that were dubious to say the least and I went butchers stink at DH. I couldn't beleive my eyes for a start, and even though I couldn't imagine DH going into those sorts of sites, I still called him on it. It turned out (and beleive me, we checked it out, and confirmed that this is how it happened), that DH was downloading games and music from a random site, and the files were piggy-backing onto those files. He was so horrified and mortified, and had had absolutely no idea ... and, ahem, also put an ax through the hard drive just to make sure 
As for the girly stuff - I have a rule ... I can't stand it, and think it's degrading and all other manner of things, so if I find it, I can destroy it - whether it be magazines, DVDs, whatever. No matter the cost, it's history. But, I won't go looking for it, if that makes sense - I don't hunt for it, I just biff it if I come across it. As he's gotten older, he's gotten bored with it anyway. ------------- Cuinn Lachlan 23.1.09 - 22:00 Antonia Helene 4.8.11 - 09:41 |
Posted By: Jay_R
Date Posted: 27 September 2007 at 12:18pm
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I actually asked her if it could have just been sites that have opened up when he's been on other sites - but no, apparently these sites have been opened on numerous occasions.
They were really bad apparently - like, not your 'normal' kind of 'girly' sites, if there is such a thing. |
Posted By: ooEvaoo
Date Posted: 27 September 2007 at 12:19pm
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Yup I'd have him up about it aswell, especially since he is doing it secretly. To me it feels kinda like cheating. Once in a blue moon my partner and I will look at those sites, more the story writing ones. But he'd never do it if I'm not there.He never gets dirty magazines either, and quite frankly I would never let him ( I feel fat enough, I dont need the thought of him looking at nakee beautiful woman aswel!)
If he's on an adult dating site, well then most definitely hit him up! Don't let her just brush this aside, he could end up getting more and more consumed with his fantasies and may even act upon it. Nip it in the butt early and she may have nothing to worry about later on ------------- 
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Posted By: busymum
Date Posted: 27 September 2007 at 12:34pm
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I would confront him about it too, but be careful how you do it. I came across some once on our computer at home and it happened to be one of those "innocent mistakes" similar to what ginger mentioned. Far better to have something out in the open than let the distrust grow and grow. ------------- |
Posted By: MummyFreckle
Date Posted: 27 September 2007 at 12:36pm
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I think if they are truly questionable (as in not the run of the mill "girly" pixs) then she should challenge him on it. But I also think if he is doing it secretly then he is either ashamed of it or knows he is in the wrong and that would be my concern - if he is into that sort of thing then "each to their own", but should be open about the fact that he is looking at that sort of stuff. It might actually be good for their relationship - if he has felt that he has been hiding a part of himself from her and she gets him to "open up" about it - then it might actually be a good thing. I have a friend (seriously this isnt us!) whose partner is into some "kinky" things. In real / everyday life he is a very straight laced professional guy who is a fantastic husband and father, he just has some unusual sexual preferences. I know he kept them secret from her for a long long time, and was v ery relieved when she found out and he was able to be open with her about it. They have a great relationship and sex life (apparently - so I am told during "girly chat") which I guess is made better now that she understands him a little better. ------------- http://lilypie.com">  http://lilypie.com">
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Posted By: my2angels
Date Posted: 27 September 2007 at 12:46pm
| I'd definately mention it, I hate the thought that my partner could be getting up to that sort of thing behind my back. I would much rather than be honest about it than sneaking around which makes it seem dirty. I know i personally wouldnt be able to keep my mouth shut i would have to confront him |
Posted By: yummymummy
Date Posted: 27 September 2007 at 1:13pm
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I think if she's uncomfortable with it, she should def talk about it.
Maybe a guy can give his perspective here but I think men in general look at stuff like this more than we realise. In my old job, I was in charge of checking my boss's emails when he wasn't there and some of the things he received from his friends  Like pics, power point presentations and whole mini movies  ------------- http://lilypie.com">  http://lilypie.com">
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Posted By: emz
Date Posted: 27 September 2007 at 1:18pm
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I would hit him up about it too, I found some on our comp when my DH was in East Timor (from when he was here obviously, and blasted him the next time he called. Turned out it was a dodgy game download site too, but at least I felt better about it than I would have if I'd just stewed for a while.
Me personally, I have no problem with DH looking at that stuff as long as the sites don't then infect our comp, the magazines are out of public view etc. But I guess it depends how dodgy this stuff is, if its degrading I would be furious. |
Posted By: caraMel
Date Posted: 27 September 2007 at 1:35pm
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I'm not really bothered about porn in general.
If it were something that was impacting on our relationship then I would be inclined to say something but otherwise I don't care, as long as it doesn't involve children or animals. If I were your friend and had to say something about it, I'd try to approach it gently, rather than accusingly. Some guys get off on looking at kinky stuff but wouldn't want to do it themselves, so it might not mean he's actually into whatever it was. ------------- Mel, Mummy to E: 6, B: 4 and: 
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Posted By: aimeejoy
Date Posted: 27 September 2007 at 1:59pm
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I hate it! It makes me feel like I'm not good enough, so he has to go looking elsewhere. This has happened to me twice (yep, you'd think he would learn wouldnt you). Years ago I caught him looking at stuff one day and we had a big talk about how it made me feel blah blah. Then earlier this year I came across some photos (makes your heart just sink) and I had him up about it - turns out it was something one of the young single boys at work was going on about and he got curious. Still was mega peeved about it tho, cos he knew how I felt about it and he was still looking (thinking he was being sneaky). Anyway, I would definitely have him up about it - if she doesnt feel comfortable with it, it will just keep eating away at her. ------------- Aimee Hannah 22/10/05 Greer 11/02/08 |
Posted By: AnnC
Date Posted: 27 September 2007 at 2:05pm
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skipped a few posts so I apologised if its been said already...
HONESTY even though he hasn't been I think she needs to be. Espec if it is bugging her cause it will only come out the nextt time they have a tiff. I am with ginger in that I don't like it. But most females don't. It is degrading and has no place in a relationship - unless you are both into it. Sure DH probably looks when its around but he doesn't when i am. LOL at least he pretends not to anyhow LOL ------------- Ann 
Also Mum to Josh (15) and Brooke (10) |
Posted By: aimeejoy
Date Posted: 27 September 2007 at 2:07pm
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I try not to think about the magazines that are in the smoko room at the mechanics where DH works... ------------- Aimee Hannah 22/10/05 Greer 11/02/08 |
Posted By: Kellz
Date Posted: 27 September 2007 at 2:17pm
| Mags etc dont bother me, but the fact that hes hidng it etc is not good. I would talk to him about it, cos she shouldnt have to feel uncomforatable about him hiding something from her. If it was me, I would be thinking,..if he feels like he has to hide it from me,..what else isnt he telling me?! Guess Im just paranoid! |
Posted By: Andie
Date Posted: 27 September 2007 at 2:44pm
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If it worries her, she has nothing to lose by talking to him about it... won't it just eat away at her if she doesn't? I really hate porn and even just the normal girly mags. So if it were me, I'd talk to him about it straight away. But if she isn't worried about the content of what she's found, then maybe just a talk about why it was kept hidden would be a good idea? ------------- Andie |
Posted By: caliandjack
Date Posted: 27 September 2007 at 3:13pm
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I'd talk to him, I had this with my DF and I was really upset at the material he was looking at.
And Df was really sorry at upsetting me, and he doesn't look at that kind of stuff, but it is what he gets sent by some of his mates, and after talking about it with a friend, you'd be suprised at how common it is for men to look at this kind of thing, and its got nothing to do with how they feel about there partners. It seems most guys have a porn stash somewhere. ------------- http://lilypie.com" rel="nofollow">   [/url] Angel June 2012 |
Posted By: Red
Date Posted: 27 September 2007 at 3:50pm
| Just run of the mill porn does not overly bother me if it is just every now and again, but if it something really kinky or if he was looking at it all the time then I would not be happy! |
Posted By: Jay_R
Date Posted: 27 September 2007 at 3:54pm
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It was the content that bothered her - not just your run of the mill porn, but full on.....
I just spoke to her, and she's way more upset than she was this morning. And she's decided she has to discuss it with him tonight. So thats good. I just feel really sad for her, as they've had to fight really hard to get where they are now in their relationship, and she kinda feels she doesn't know really who he is at the moment. edited to remove a paragraph that wasn't really a good idea on this site...... |
Posted By: caliandjack
Date Posted: 27 September 2007 at 3:59pm
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That was exactly how I felt, the stuff DF was looking at was very young girls. Which bothered me.
I realised in the end that DF is still DF, and there's a lot more to him than the pictures he looks at on the net. I thought it would be the end of us, it actually turned out to be a catylst for a better understanding between us. It is good to talk about, I'll never understand why men like porn, and I don't think they'll ever understand why we think it a big deal. ------------- http://lilypie.com" rel="nofollow"> [/url] Angel June 2012 |
Posted By: Glow
Date Posted: 27 September 2007 at 4:13pm
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All guys "look" & "think" it depends on the depth & how they go about it in my book. I think talking is great & opens you up entirely. Sexually, emotionally & mentally. So it would depend on the depth of their talk to what their boundaries are. And from then???
I think they look coz they always want what they dont have & difference is good Weird buggers!! ------------- Mummy of Two Boys B: 2004 K: 2007 |
Posted By: Maya
Date Posted: 27 September 2007 at 7:58pm
Believe me, truck drivers are as bad as mechanics... ------------- Maya Grace (28/02/03)
(02/01/06)
The Gremlins:Sienna Marie & Mercedes Kailah (14/10/06)
Lil miss:Chiara Louise Chloe (09/07/08)
Her ladyship:Rosalia Sophie Anais (18/06/12)
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aimeejoy wrote:Posted By: Maya
Date Posted: 27 September 2007 at 7:59pm
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But I agree with some of the others tho, while it doesn't unduly worry me, if the images were even remotely questionable I'd be having him up about it, I don't think I'd be ok with having that stuff in my house or on my computer, and probably even being with someone who is interested in that stuff.
Hugs to your friend Clare, I hope they can sort this out between them somehow. ------------- Maya Grace (28/02/03)
(02/01/06)
The Gremlins:Sienna Marie & Mercedes Kailah (14/10/06)
Lil miss:Chiara Louise Chloe (09/07/08)
Her ladyship:Rosalia Sophie Anais (18/06/12)
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Posted By: fattartsrock
Date Posted: 27 September 2007 at 8:51pm
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Run of the mill porn dosen't worry me in the least, i find it "laughable" even. Rod looks at sites sometimes, and never hides it from me, he will often call me over to look at something stupid. We don't have magazines in the house, thats not us, but we soemtimes get movies (we belong to DVD unlimited) I don't find them a turn on at all, but I do get a luagh out of it. The way I see it, he's open about it, and its very very occasional. I would rather him look in the windows than go in the shop as it were.
However, anything super sick, you know, Involving kids/young girls/rape degredation/animals etc, out side of the relms of "normal" sex, I think is SICK and if its hidden, then it is far worse. I would defiantely call him out on it. As far as I can see, when you are in a relationsahip, there are NO secrets. Big hugs to your friend, that sux big time. ------------- The Honest Un PC Parent of 2, usually stuck in the naughty corner! :P |
Posted By: cuppatea
Date Posted: 27 September 2007 at 9:41pm
She should be grateful he isn't looking at gay porn. ------------- 
 
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Posted By: Jay_R
Date Posted: 28 September 2007 at 9:30am
| Um, well actually thats what it was..... |
Posted By: caraMel
Date Posted: 28 September 2007 at 9:40am
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Now that is alarming, I was thinking along the lines of s&m.
I'd definitely have to talk to my partner and find out what was going on with that. ------------- Mel, Mummy to E: 6, B: 4 and:
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Posted By: nuttymama
Date Posted: 28 September 2007 at 11:04am
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DH looks at porn and has it on our comp where it is unaccessible to the kids. I knew this before we met and he has never hidden so as far as I'm concerned if all he's doing is looking I'm fine with that.
In saying that he only ever looks at what I call "normal porn and nothing questionable. I would have a problem if he was hiding it and I would have a major problem and be seriously creeped out if it was gay porn. For her own peace of mind she needs to talk to him and find out what's going on. ------------- Abigail 06/01/2005 Jayden 21/11/2001 Micheal 03/04/1997 |
Posted By: Jay_R
Date Posted: 28 September 2007 at 12:07pm
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Update!
She asked him about it, and he said that he would never go on sites like the ones she saw on purpose - apparently he plays a lot of online games (poker etc) and they keep popping up on his screen right in front of where he needs to click the mouse and he keeps opening them, purely by accident. She told him to prove it, so he started playing a game, and sure enough within minutes a dodgy site was open on screen. So, he's out of the dog box, and she's so relieved! |
Posted By: caraMel
Date Posted: 28 September 2007 at 12:10pm
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Phew!!!! ------------- Mel, Mummy to E: 6, B: 4 and:
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Posted By: aimeejoy
Date Posted: 28 September 2007 at 1:48pm
Woah, I bet she is sooo relieved!  ------------- Aimee Hannah 22/10/05 Greer 11/02/08 |