Blame on me...
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Category: Planning Pregnancy (trying for baby)
Forum Name: Planning Pregnancy (trying for baby)
Forum Description: Trying to get pregnant? Going through fertility treatment? Just planning your first or second child? There are many people out there in the same boat to help and listen and share with
URL: https://www.ohbaby.co.nz/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=11647
Printed Date: 27 August 2025 at 10:18am
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Topic: Blame on me...
Posted By: balcy1
Subject: Blame on me...
Date Posted: 19 October 2007 at 2:23pm
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I'm gonna put something to you all. Please tell me exactly what you think, I promise I can take it.
My DH seems to think that the reason we have not yet conceived after 12 cycles is completely my fault. He has had his tests and got the "all good". Im due to go in for a laparoscopy in January to see whats happening down there. I just find it very upsetting that he blames me 100% for not yet giving him a child. We often argue about it and I try to make him see that it is no ones fault, but he always turns it around to me again. It sometimes gives me second thoughts about the whole idea. He's just not as supportive as I think he should be. Or is this just normal male behaviour??? |
Replies:
Posted By: nikkitheknitter
Date Posted: 19 October 2007 at 2:47pm
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It sounds incredibly unhealthy for your relationship that he is "blaming" you for not getting pregnant as yet.
I find that absolutely horrible. And you are right, you should be getting support at this time, not blame. I'd be rethinking the idea of having a kiddo with him too... because if this is just the start of a wider 'guilt' game then it isn't going to end once you are pregnant 
He really needs to know that he is hurting you with this. I hope you can sort it out! And it isn't your fault. It isn't anyone's fault. I'd hate to see you take this on board as your "problem" xoxoxox P.S. I just read that you have a child from a previous relationship. Maybe he's feeling insecure about the fact that you were able to get pregnant to another man??? Or maybe that he's still got some issues regarding your child...? I know that my partner and I have a few issues due to the fact that Han isn't his... and that means that he can behave in utterly ridiculous ways sometimes as a mask for his other feelings... not that it excuses his behaviour! but might mean you can address some of the other stuff...? |
Posted By: AngieBabe
Date Posted: 19 October 2007 at 2:52pm
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hmm, I'm not quite sure what to say to this! I often get the feeling my DH does the same with me, although in our case neither one of us has been medically checked yet (got Doc appointment next week to start proceedings which DH is reluctant to do).
He has made half-joking but seemingly serious comments about me being faulty (for the want of a better word), not sure what he's basing this on though!! In the 10 full cycles we've had TTC so far we've had two 'close calls' when it's suspected I've had an early MC but nothing confirmed this for sure. Unfortuantely my doc made the comment that 'In some ways this is good news as we know things are meeting up' so DH thinks he does his job just fine - we've not had any full on arguments about it but definitely have come close. I do think it is a male thing to not be so emotionally present during the trying stages or if there is a possibly that they're not 'all man' so to speak... my DH certainly lacks on the empathy part when it comes to all this baby making stuff. ------------- http://lilypie.com" rel="nofollow">  
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Posted By: Kicker
Date Posted: 19 October 2007 at 5:10pm
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I think that your other half is being very insensitive. Even if you do have a medical problem it isn't anyones fault. Personally i would be very pi**ed off if my partner said this to me. I took 7 years to fall pregnant and we both had the test and came back fine, just one of those unexplained infertility. I don't think that it is healthy in a relationship to place the blame on either party.
Maybe he is just feeling insecure, but i think it is an issue you need to deal with before you have your test. Laura -------------  
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Posted By: balcy1
Date Posted: 19 October 2007 at 9:37pm
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It seems its all been too much for him... He left me this afternoon, so no more TTC for us, even if he does come back.
Its been a real s**t day for me. But, I am pleased this has happened now and not once we were pregnant. 
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Posted By: nikkitheknitter
Date Posted: 19 October 2007 at 9:53pm
| Oh Kim... I'm sorry to hear about that. I hope you can find some friends to come around and give you the hugs and stuff (read: love and chocolate) that you need. xoxox |
Posted By: AnnC
Date Posted: 19 October 2007 at 10:19pm
 To you. Be sure you have friends on ohbaby to help you thru....------------- Ann 
Also Mum to Josh (15) and Brooke (10) |
Posted By: cuppatea
Date Posted: 20 October 2007 at 9:58am
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Oh I've just read this so sorry
Like AnnC we are all on here to help you thru ------------- 
 
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Posted By: bumblefoot
Date Posted: 21 October 2007 at 5:50am
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Oh luv, thats horrible! I really feel for you hun, and if you ever need anyone to chat to feel free to PM me and I'l be happy to chat about whatever. Im sorry you are having to go thru this, I hope you have someone you can lean on to help you thru. And do take me up on the Pm, we're all here for ya. Hang in there and big big ------------- http://lilypie.com">  
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Posted By: balcy1
Date Posted: 21 October 2007 at 3:41pm
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You are all so awesome. It is so hard to go through a relationship break up. We have only been married for 9 months and Im just devastated.
I cant believe it. Im so dehydrated from crying, my whole life has been turned upside down for both me and my son... |
Posted By: Faraway
Date Posted: 21 October 2007 at 5:37pm
 ------------- http://lilypie.com"> 
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Posted By: bumblefoot
Date Posted: 21 October 2007 at 11:44pm
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Oh hun from the sounds of things you deserve WAY WAY better than him. Its awful that you have to go thru this, but at least now you have seen his true colours. No man should ever be able to make you feel as if it is your fault for not producing a child for him. I would say that he was feeling very inadequite, despite having tests come back ok. My DF had a perfectly normal test, then two months later they asked for a re-test, and lo and behold virtually sterile. Either way, it is no-ones fault, and it is completely unacceptable for him to put that on you. It is a load you each share equally, and in our position, we wouldn't wish it any other way. That is how it should be in a relationship, an equal partnership, good or bad. Isn't that what wedding vows are all about? You take extra good care of yourself, it is obvious to me that you are a fab, caring, lovely person. So my advice (for what its worth) is to spend time on your son, and yourself, and work towards seeing yourself as we see you. You deserve more than that, and I have no doubt that you will get it. If he cannot see what we do, then it is entirely his loss. I know this will be very hard, I'm certainly not discounting that. But I believe you have the strength to get thru it and come out on top. Hang in there luv, and feel free to vent, we are all here to listen. Take care of yourself, remember to drink extra to replace the tears, and remember to eat something even if you don't really feel like it. I know it can be hard to remember to do these things when you have that swirling around in your head, but you will feel the better for it in the long run. Big ------------- http://lilypie.com">
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Posted By: shelleybean
Date Posted: 22 October 2007 at 10:15pm
Oh dear, im am so sorry to read this. We do hope you are resting and taking care of yourself and your son. Keep your chin up  ------------- http://lilypie.com"> 
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Posted By: ShellandBella
Date Posted: 23 October 2007 at 1:07pm
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I just read your post, and big to you...I really don't know what to say other than that we are all here for you and that make sure you give yourself plenty of breathing space to process all this. I'm in Motueka if you ever feel like a drive and a visit! ------------- http://lilypie.com"> 
http://lilypie.com"> 
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Posted By: fattartsrock
Date Posted: 23 October 2007 at 1:27pm
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Oh mate, sorry to hear about that. What a dick! No fair to blame you. Big hugs abd take care
Annie ------------- The Honest Un PC Parent of 2, usually stuck in the naughty corner! :P |
Posted By: Kels
Date Posted: 23 October 2007 at 2:06pm
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------------- http://lilypie.com"> 
Busy mum to Miss 15yrs, Miss 10yrs and Master 4yrs |
Posted By: busymum
Date Posted: 23 October 2007 at 7:05pm
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Posted By: lizzle
Date Posted: 23 October 2007 at 7:13pm
| hugs for you. as for blaming you? grrrrrrr. |