Bad Mummy Syndrome
Printed From: OHbaby!
Category: Have A Baby?
Forum Name: First baby? Second or more?
Forum Description: Want help? Need support? Want tips? Men and women share advice and tips in this supportive community
URL: https://www.ohbaby.co.nz/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=11797
Printed Date: 13 October 2025 at 6:50pm
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Topic: Bad Mummy Syndrome
Posted By: MummyFreckle
Subject: Bad Mummy Syndrome
Date Posted: 25 October 2007 at 7:45pm
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So we have been at home for 5 days now, and I am really struggling to 'get over' feeling liking I am failing my baby already. We had problems getting him to latch when we were still at Birthcare and the paediatrician told us he was dehydrated, so we ended up "topping up" his feeds with formula. Interestingly enough because of their accreditation Birthcare were okay with this, but didnt give us any information about making this choice. So, I have the major guilts about this choice, and feel like I have already failed to give my baby enough to eat, and now he has an incredibly sore bottom (so much so he screams when we wipe him) it is raw and really red, and its breaking my heart that he is in pain. (We are using warm water to wipe and zinc castor oil cream to try and clear it up). Now that my milk has come in he is feeding a lot better, but is still so hungry that we are topping up with the formula. We went to see the lactation consultant this morning and she was helpful in teaching me a better technique for feeding, but managed to make me feel like absolute sh*t by telling me in no uncertain terms that its a shame we started on the formula as it increases the risk of asthma and allergies.....oh great now I feel even worse. He was sleeping really well after a feed (we put him on the breast, then give formula) but for the last 24hours he has been really unsettled, and I am not sure if its his bottom or that he is hungry or what? All I know is that I feel like a failure. Now to top it all off, we have figured out that he is comfort suckling (after reading the Plunket Baby's first 100 days book) so we have resorted to using a dummy to try and settle him down. Great - another thing I now feel guilty and crap about. The lactation consultant told us that we shouldnt be using one - but I cant just continue to put him on the breast to comfort him everytime he grizzles - can I? Please tell me that I havent managed to fail all the mummy tests in the first week, and that our decisions arent going to have turned our beautiful boy into an axe weilding physco when he grows up? (On the serious side - I am struggling with the feeling of totally sucking at this and feel like I am making all the wrong choices / decisions). DH is fantastic, and thinks I am being silly - he thinks that we are making all the right choices for Ollie, and at the end of the day so long as he is happy and healthy then thats all that matters - problem is I am not sure our choices are having that result?
------------- http://lilypie.com">  http://lilypie.com">
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Replies:
Posted By: kebakat
Date Posted: 25 October 2007 at 8:02pm
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Awwwww don't feel like a failure at all!!!!
We gave in to the dummy too. It's a god send!! Daniel decided he didn't want it after a month or so. Sorry about the sore butt.. try and give it lots of nappy free time. The fresh air will help the nappy rash out  and if his butt is sore its probably causing his unsettledness or he could just be having one of those days. Daniel has been a good boy lately but today he was a right little grump. Don't worry too much about it. I know that is sometimes easier said than done with a new bubba.
Do you want to stop the formula top ups?? Have a chat with your local la leache league. I'm sure they will support you through all the tough times with breastfeeding. They can be far more understanding than many lactation consultants
Chin up. I'm sure you are doing a fantastic job!!! |
Posted By: busymum
Date Posted: 25 October 2007 at 8:03pm
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Awww big hugs, a lot of where you're coming from is likely to be associated with the baby blues (drop off of happy hormones), not to mention the exhaustion and overwhelming sense of responsibility for your little man!
Don't let ANYONE tell you whether breastmilk vs formula, or comfort feeding vs thumb sucking vs dummy, is best for your child and your family. Only you and your DH can make those decisions. People criticise about everything and you'll probably develop a thick skin in not too long. In the first 8 weeks of a baby's life they go through growth spurts about every second week. It's really draining and they want heaps of feeding but IMO if you run with it and let them feed and establish your milk properly, it'll get easier quicker. Most of his comfort sucking is probably hunger in the first month so I would ditch the dummy and let him get that milk in. It will make him a happier bub. Dummies are awesome for reflux babies but that doesn't usually develop until around 6 weeks or so. How soon are you planning on going back to work and/or weaning him to at least 50% formula? If you don't want to go that route, start dropping formula feeds, one at a time, until you have taken over with bm. If you find it hard to get the absolutely correct latch (I know it's hard, I found it almost impossible until #3 was about a month old) then keep on asking, asking, asking, until someone sticks with you and checks every second day or as often as you need that you've got it right. It will boost your confidence too. Otherwise if you're only planning on taking 3mos maternity leave or similar, make a choice as to bf/formula and run with it!
Hope some of that helps. As for the rash, change him often (you probably already are) and keep on doing what you're doing. Is it still getting worse or is it now on the mend? He may be reacting to the formula or something you've eaten. -------------  |
Posted By: peanut butter
Date Posted: 25 October 2007 at 8:09pm
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Oh Simsam, we all feel like that at the beginning...and again from time to time. I remember feelinf awful as I felt I had "abandoned" my newborn after his birth for the first 8 hours (I was in lala land on pethidine and he was in NICU). That guilt didnt hit me till 2-3 weeks after.
It will get better. Remember that you are the best mummy your baby knows. 
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Posted By: Mazzy
Date Posted: 25 October 2007 at 8:20pm
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Oh hon, don't feel bad, the first few weeks are rough and I think we all feel what you're feeling right now. I know I was inconsolable several times in the first week, sure that I had just stuffed everything up and would never figure anything out or be a good mum. These feelings will pass, I promise!
Whatever decisions you make are the best ones at the time. If it keeps Ollie happy and you and DH sane (well, as sane as you can be with a newborn!) then don't sweat it. With the feeding, it sounds like you are being torn in different directions - not feeling like you can just let him suck and not feeling like you can give him a dummy or formula either. Recipe for confusion! Great that you are reading up on things and getting advice, but keep in the back of your mind that everyone has a different opinion based on their experiences and education, so you have to decide for yourself by filtering all of their views. If you want to let him suck every time he is grizzly, go for it. It won't harm him and will probably help boost your milk supply. Just think that he has been in your tummy and so close to you for so many months, if he wants to be close at the moment then there is no harm in letting him. Likewise, if the dummy or formula strategy is working for you and he's happy, then go for it. The key is to stop second guessing yourself. It sounds like you have an awesome supportive DH, maybe you guys should turn the phones off for a little while and just do your thing, focus on the three of you and being a new family, and it will make you feel better. I like what Busymum said: Don't let ANYONE tell you whether breastmilk vs formula, or comfort feeding vs thumb sucking vs dummy, is best for your child and your family. Only you and your DH can make those decisions. People criticise about everything and you'll probably develop a thick skin in not too long. And second the no nappy time for the rashy bum. Fresh air is the best thing. ------------- Mum to two gorgeous girls! |
Posted By: Brenna
Date Posted: 25 October 2007 at 8:26pm
Yay for your DH!!!! I totally agree with him  It sounds as though you are doing a fab job and keep it up! I also had a lactation consultant tell me things I was doing wrong etc and at the time it was the last thing I needed to hear ( and I now know it wasn't even true)
Just remember that even though they are supposed to be the 'professional', you are the mum and you know what is best for your baby. Don't let anyone tell you you're doing a bad job because it is not true!!! Big hugs!!!!!  ------------- My beautiful 2 girls...nearly 4 and 13 months
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SimSam wrote:Posted By: cuppatea
Date Posted: 25 October 2007 at 8:49pm
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Your DH sounds a lot like mine. I stress about every little thing that I do and whether it is the right thing and he tells me that we are doing a damn fine job and that I shouldn't listen to other peoples comments/opinions.
My friends baby had formula top ups from day one because he was lathargic and low sugar levels and wouldn't latch, with support from a lactation consultant and her DP she had him fully on the boob by 7 weeks so if you want to go that route it should be possible. She also had supply issues and expressed between and after feeds to build her supply up. Don't beat yourself up about giving formula. I think it was very bad of your lactation consultant to make those comments. If you want to let him comfort suckle at the boob then great it will help build your supply up, but if you are tired or sore and he is just comfort sucking let him have a dummy and don't beat yourself up about it. Spencer had a dummy at that age and it has done him no harm. I agree with busymum, don't let anyone tell you what you should or shouldn't be doing. That fact that you are concerned about doing the right thing tells me that you are a great mum. ------------- 
 
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Posted By: susieq
Date Posted: 25 October 2007 at 9:11pm
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You are doing a good job listen to your DH he sounds wonderful
Youy shouldnt feel like a failure. Some babies need formula top ups I agree with all that has been said |
Posted By: james
Date Posted: 25 October 2007 at 9:16pm
i agree with what everyone is said big big hugs and remeber baby will still love you weather hes b/feeds or is bottle feed ------------- <a href="http://lilypie.com"><img src="http://b4.lilypie.com/nLJ5p13.png" alt="Lilypie 4th Birthday Ticker" border="0" /></a> |
Posted By: ShellandBella
Date Posted: 25 October 2007 at 9:16pm
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to you!! I'm afraid to say, if you're not feeling guilty about one thing, you'll be feeling guilty about something else, so try not to even go there. In these first few weeks I think we all feel a bit like this, I think its purely from lack of sleep and plain old "what the hell did I get myself into"!!
I'm really surprised that the lactation consultant wasn't that helpful...I too used formula quite a bit in the first 6 weeks, and boy did I feel terrible as a mother, but at that time I was just not producing enough milk (on hindsight I see now that I should have just fed Bella more for her to make more milk) but you live and learn. And the dummy thing!! I NEVER thought I'd use one, and I absolutely love them!! Bella is just finding her thumb now, but before that she just loved to suck, so its a perfect alternative, so don't feel bad on that score
I don't know if you are having supply issues with the BF, but I got onto the naturopharm 'milk flow' tablets and they were GREAT... Anyway, you know all you need to do is ask, and we'll all be here to support you and give advice if we can...chin up, you're doing a great job! You'll look back on these days and wonder how on earth you did it, but you will! ------------- http://lilypie.com"> 
http://lilypie.com"> 
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Posted By: Bizzy
Date Posted: 25 October 2007 at 9:56pm
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YOU ARE NOT A CRAP MUM!!!!
now i know i dont know you but your baby is only a few weeks old and there is now way you can achieve crap mum status in such a short time.... you have only ever done what you belive to be right for your baby. It is not too late to start over, In my opinion. Take the next couple of days just hanging out feeding your baby, and maybe to help his bum keep the nappies off or maybe just loosely wrap something round his bum to catch the output... him feeding constantly may not be comfort suckling, it may be him building up your supply so he doesnt need formula any more... by letting him suck and feed as often as possible your milk supply will increase and you WILL be able to stop the formula (if you want). RELAX, hang out with your baby and cuddle and feed him and let yourself start again... There will be plenty of other opportunities to doubt yourself and berate yourself as a crap mum... now is not the time for that tho...
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Posted By: fattartsrock
Date Posted: 25 October 2007 at 10:26pm
true dat. I agreee with everything said here. Plus especailly this part RELAX, hang out with your baby and cuddle and feed him and let yourself start again... There will be plenty of other opportunities to doubt yourself and berate yourself as a crap mum... now is not the time for that tho...
Plus, In my opinion, baby is stil little, you CAN NOT spoil him, regardless of whatever grandma/plunket/neighbour etc says. Nothing wrong with a comfort suck AT ALL. after all, I bet there is osmethign you like to do/see/smell/hear that makes yu feel better when you're feeling crap/tired/sad etc. You're doing a super duper job so keep it up!! ------------- The Honest Un PC Parent of 2, usually stuck in the naughty corner! :P |
Posted By: sparkle
Date Posted: 26 October 2007 at 3:17am
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I fully agree with what has been said already.
Your first week sounds almost identical to mine. We did formula topups for two days at the beginning as my milk hadn't come in. I felt as guilty as hell!!! But also realise that it was the best thing for Cooper. I also bet myself up over having to rock him to sleep! However, soon realised that he was just a newborn baby and wanted to be with me still. I came around to the "anyway to get them to sleep" mode! And now he's 10 weeks and can settle himself and is very happy in bed. I guess the best advice that I got was try not to rush things. I 2nd the idea of having lots of cuddles and feed when he seems to want too. 10 weeks on and I still demand feed him during the day and I'm only getting up once now in the night (so he must be really full!!). And remember it's only early days and I bet you're a great mum!  ------------- http://lilypie.com"> 
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Posted By: sparkle
Date Posted: 26 October 2007 at 3:19am
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Oh and as for his bum, use Bepanthan (sp) just from the supermarket, I think it's about $9.00. It worked a treat on Coopers bum, which got so sore in the first week it felt like leather!!!! The cream started clearing it up within 24 hours. ------------- http://lilypie.com">
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Posted By: lizzle
Date Posted: 26 October 2007 at 7:27am
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i agree with everything as well. i remember watching some comedy show that pretty much summarised everything I felt in the first few days...
couple with newborn walk up to nursing station "well, we've tried it out and we've decided it's not for us" "yes, it seems broken, it doesn't feed or sleep like the manuel said" "and we seem to be missing a manual for this one" "so yes, thank you, but no" and they hand the baby to the nurse and walk off. big hugs - it does get better and easier...but it takes a while to get to know each other. don't believe what the nappy ads tel you |
Posted By: floss
Date Posted: 26 October 2007 at 7:54am
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You are doing a great job I agree with what everyone else has said to.
We put my daughter on the bottle fulltime at 3 weeks cos I just couldn't handle breastfeeding and was having alot of problems and bleeding cracked nipples which I still have scars on 18mths later, but she is a happy healthy and thriving girl so formula is not going to hurt your little man. We also gave her a dummy the night we came home from the hospital as she was a comfort sucker to and yes she still has it but only to sleep with. So don't feel bad and tell your hubby what a wonderful man he is for supporting you, you are both doing a wonderful job
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Posted By: Glow
Date Posted: 26 October 2007 at 8:03am
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Keep your chin up hun, people are weird & dont realise how hurtful & destroying some things are.
You are the besest Mum for your child & i believe they choose you for a reason & you will both go through life learning lessons together- growing up together No 1 is a bad mum, we do the best we can, with what we know how Heaps of hugs from me ------------- Mummy of Two Boys B: 2004 K: 2007 |
Posted By: peanut butter
Date Posted: 26 October 2007 at 9:00am
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SimSam, I was lucky enough to have great "professional" support in the early weeks and what I was taught was....
1. put him on your breast AS MUCH AS YOU CAN....this a) builds up your milk and b) gives him practice at feeding. 2. YOU CANNOT SPOIL HIM. My MW quoted research that says in the first 3 months if you go to your baby when he crys, pick him up cudddle him etc you are teaching him to trust and that people will help him when he needs them. Baby's that are left to cry at a young age can grow up never crying (as it is no use, noone helps  ). They cant manipulate you (as I was told time and time again by "well wishers"..man they cant even spell it let alone know what it means.
As others have said...he's a wee bubba and wants his mummy and comfort sucking is OK!!! Tom went through a stage of needing to suck (MW said he wants to feels safe and secure and sucking on mummy is how he does it. She said it is TOTALLY OK as long as I didnt mind). I let him do it when I was in the mood. When it didnt suit me I gave him a dummy and I swore NEVER to do that. But I love the dummy. He loves it and we are all happy. The WORST THING you can do as a mother is beat yourself up!!! Trust your instincts and enjoy the wee guy. In about 5 weeks times you will be rewarded by his first smile and believe me it will all feel better!!!!
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Posted By: daikini
Date Posted: 26 October 2007 at 10:27am
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The only thing I want to add to all the wonderful advice you've been given here is to make sure you keep YOUR fluids up! It's not exact, but input creates output so your body will find it easier to make the milk your darling boy is enjoying if its got the resources to call on... when you go to feed him, make sure you have a glass of water and a snack of some sort, and that will help keep your energy levels up a bit too. ------------- Becca, mum of 2 girls & 3 boys |
Posted By: fattartsrock
Date Posted: 26 October 2007 at 10:29am
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Something I think lacks in childbirth education is this piece of advice.
Your milk won't come in for 3 or sometimes 4 days. Some people will have it straight away, but more often than not, it will be a few days away. That is NORMAL. THey come out with enough body fat and supplies to get them through this time. Also, Epidural can delay the milk a wee bit, as you also have extra liquid pumped in and your body works hard on getting rid of this extra first, before making the milk come in, also prem babies and c section may also wait a bit longer for milk to come in, but 99% of the time it will come in, and if it hasn't after 3 days, you can ask your midwife for something to help. Just some useless information! ------------- The Honest Un PC Parent of 2, usually stuck in the naughty corner! :P |
Posted By: Nic01
Date Posted: 26 October 2007 at 10:49am
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Some great advice from everyone here. It sounds like you're doing well & no, you definitely haven't failed the mummy test in the first week!!! It's a huge learning curve & like everyone has said you will get differing advice from lots of people but only you & DH know what is right for your baby.
The only thing I will add with regards to his nappy rash (which you are probably already doing anyway) is to just make sure that you remember to dry the area throughly before you put the cream on, otherwise the cream can trap the wetness in there & make it worse. Hope things start to settle down for you soon. ------------- http://lilypie.com">  http://lilypie.com">
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Posted By: caraMel
Date Posted: 26 October 2007 at 1:23pm
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You're not a bad Mummy! ------------- Mel, Mummy to E: 6, B: 4 and: 
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Posted By: MummyFreckle
Date Posted: 26 October 2007 at 6:55pm
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Thanks for all the wonderful advice! Think I am feeling a bit better today, he still seems to be a guts when it comes to feeding and the breast doesnt seem to be enough for him. I have been and got some nursing tea and the naturpharm milk flow tablets, so fingers crossed they will help. The funny thing is he will fall asleep in your arms, but as soon as we put him into bed he grizzles - not sure why. I know that its just time and practice, but I think the emotions get the better of me and all the logical thought processes seem to disappear out of the window!!
------------- http://lilypie.com"> http://lilypie.com">
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Posted By: kebakat
Date Posted: 26 October 2007 at 6:58pm
| One thought about him falling asleep in your arms but then grizzles in bed is usually because when they fall asleep they have that last image in their minds as they drop off, then when they are put down its all different. Also you would be nice n warm for him and when hes put down its probably cooler. |
Posted By: cuppatea
Date Posted: 26 October 2007 at 7:07pm
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Yeah one of my baby books recommends heating the basinet slightly firsst with a wheat pack or hot water bottle so it is nice and toasty before you put him in there. Try swaddling as well that way he will still feel nice and secure even though you're not holding him anymore.
I use to let Spencer sleep on me a lot and not worry too much about putting him in his own bed in the first 6 weeks. -------------
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Posted By: busymum
Date Posted: 26 October 2007 at 7:51pm
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Babies always prefer to be close. Let him sleep on you sometimes if you want to. It's really special (but sometimes it's more special to have some personal space LOL). Are you swaddling him? It will make him feel more secure. And does he cry when you put him down, or more like murmur or a single cry. Some babies fuss for less than 60 seconds and are back to sleep again - must disturb them to be moved mid-sleep or something. ------------- |
Posted By: lizzle
Date Posted: 26 October 2007 at 8:55pm
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my babies were always such gutses - and would do what ou say - eat and then fall asleep and wake when i put them down. we eventaully found this to be:
were falling asleep and only getting a snack - so waking quickly and hungry (get it?) wind - MIL and step-mums theory. but you will find that women of a certain age attribute everything to wind. |
Posted By: cuppatea
Date Posted: 26 October 2007 at 9:01pm
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Oh yeah if it is just bubs snacking you can try stroking under the chin or put flat hand pressure on your boob (creates a let down) thats what my midwife had me doing when Spencer had jaundice to keep him drinking. You could also try changing boobs every 5 mins I read that helps keep them alert for drinking too. -------------
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Posted By: busymum
Date Posted: 26 October 2007 at 9:05pm
*rolls eyes* yes, my MIL is one of those. Drives me batty! ------------- |
Posted By: MummyFreckle
Date Posted: 26 October 2007 at 10:10pm
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He doesnt seem to have a "wind" issue!!! Thanks for the suggestion about the wheatie in the basinet, we will try that next time we put him down. I think his bottom is looking a little better today, so hopefully that will settle him down a bit too. He does seem to be taking the boob better, but still pretty unsettled. Thanks again for all the advice - its great to know that other people have been through this too!! ------------- http://lilypie.com"> http://lilypie.com">
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Posted By: james
Date Posted: 27 October 2007 at 7:55am
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your doing a great job bubs is still so young and both of you are still lreaning-man i,m still lreaning and james is 2 now in no way are you a bad mum rasing kids is not a easy thingto do in fact its the hardest thing i,ve ever done i think you need to give yourself a pat on the back your doing a great job newbrons are hardwork big big hugs from me and james ------------- <a href="http://lilypie.com"><img src="http://b4.lilypie.com/nLJ5p13.png" alt="Lilypie 4th Birthday Ticker" border="0" /></a> |
Posted By: hailstones
Date Posted: 27 October 2007 at 8:27am
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Wind *rolls eyes* - every last grizzle Elle had was put down to wind by my mother - arghhhh.
But seriously sounds like you are doing a great job, everybody has said pretty much all I would've said so I just wanted to add that you're a great Mummy and it does get alot easier ------------- http://lilypie.com">  http://lilypie.com">
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Posted By: peanut butter
Date Posted: 27 October 2007 at 10:30am
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All sounds good SimSam. Sound exactly the same as what I went through with Tom and it has got easier. He was a guts and would eat fast. He would also fall asleep mid feed and need a tickle along his jawline to get going.
He STILL grizzles when I put him into bed only now it has a "NO!!! YOU ARENT SERIOUSLY PUTTING ME HERE AND LEAVING ME" look to it. I'm beginning to see the funny side to it
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