Time to move on..
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Forum Name: General Chat
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URL: https://www.ohbaby.co.nz/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=11909
Printed Date: 01 October 2025 at 5:35pm
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Topic: Time to move on..
Posted By: MissCandice
Subject: Time to move on..
Date Posted: 30 October 2007 at 11:54pm
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. ------------- ~ Mummy to a beautiful girl ~ |
Replies:
Posted By: mum2emj
Date Posted: 31 October 2007 at 6:22am
 big hugs! you have been through alot, im so sorry  i cant say anything to change what has happened but you have survived it. it takes courage to be able to share what you have, and i hope that it has helped you even a little talking about it.
all i can do is offer you a cyber hug and say that ohbaby is a great place for support and its safe (you can talk about stuff without getting negatives etc..)
take care xoxo |
Posted By: MissCandice
Date Posted: 31 October 2007 at 7:01am
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. ------------- ~ Mummy to a beautiful girl ~ |
Posted By: susieq
Date Posted: 31 October 2007 at 7:17am
| Big big hugs |
Posted By: Faraway
Date Posted: 31 October 2007 at 7:21am
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I don't really know what to say except to be kind to yourself. You're no longer the person you were when you were 15. ------------- http://lilypie.com"> 
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Posted By: lizzle
Date Posted: 31 October 2007 at 7:51am
| after deleting my post five times, all i can say is big big hugs. you sounds like an amazing person to get through all that. |
Posted By: my2angels
Date Posted: 31 October 2007 at 7:52am
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I agree you are no longer that person and you dont need to be that person anymore. you need to learn to respect yourself and know that you deserve respect in return.
Now you have a new baby its time to take charge and make your life what you want and break the cycle for your daughter. We are all here for you big hugs |
Posted By: Mazzy
Date Posted: 31 October 2007 at 8:03am
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I don't know what to say except your story has been heard and despite what you think, you are a very strong and worthwhile woman to come through all of that. I hope writing it all out has helped in some way and that you are able to start the process of moving forward. ------------- Mum to two gorgeous girls! |
Posted By: MissCandice
Date Posted: 31 October 2007 at 8:17am
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. ------------- ~ Mummy to a beautiful girl ~ |
Posted By: Bizzy
Date Posted: 31 October 2007 at 8:38am
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sorry to say this love but this man you have now doesnt sound like he is any better for you than the other men in your past.
I hope for your daughters sake he makes a more understanding and caring father than he is a partner. |
Posted By: my4beauties
Date Posted: 31 October 2007 at 8:46am
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Aww hunny I never knew things has been so tough for you - even throughout your pregnancy! I have tears in my eyes thinking of how hard you've had it. But I'm so happy for you that you now have a happy gorgeous healthy baby girl who can make you smile. I hope she can make you to be a stronger person in order for to stop putting yourself down. You sound like a fantastic person to me - a wonderful mother & caring partner.
I hope with you writing it all down, you feel better start to do some healing. You don't deserve to blame yourself for any of it.
Lots & lots of hugs to you hun!! ------------- My babies: R (9),G (7), J (5) http://lilypie.com" rel="nofollow"> 
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Posted By: MissCandice
Date Posted: 31 October 2007 at 8:47am
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. ------------- ~ Mummy to a beautiful girl ~ |
Posted By: Bizzy
Date Posted: 31 October 2007 at 8:53am
| ahhh love sounds like your man has got some issues of his own and you cant help him with that... Him not trusting you is his problem and wanting to control everything you do is not a normal, healthy relationship. |
Posted By: kebakat
Date Posted: 31 October 2007 at 9:02am
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I'm afraid I share GandT's thoughts on this. He doesn't sound like he is any better for you and I think you deserve to be treated better
Also, have you considered talking to a counselor or anyone about all this stuff? May help to talk to someone and help move on from the things from your past |
Posted By: caraMel
Date Posted: 31 October 2007 at 9:06am
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Like everyone else, there is nothing I can say that will change what you've been through but I'm sending lots of love and hugs to you. I hope that writing it out and sharing it will help to empower you and that you can start to move on. You deserve love and happiness Kandice! You have been through the worst of the worst and survived, you're owed better now! I've learned that sometimes you have to go and get it for yourself though. Kylah needs a happy Mummy to show her just how fantastic the world can be. Whatever you do sweetheart, remember that you don't have to do it on your own either. Take care of yourself. ------------- Mel, Mummy to E: 6, B: 4 and: 
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Posted By: Paws
Date Posted: 31 October 2007 at 9:13am
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Oh boy your posts have made me cry.
I'm sorry but I agree that this guy doesn't sound any better than the others. You deserve to be happy, you deserve to be treated like a princess! NO ONE deserves to be treated like you have been! It is a choice you have to make yourself but I sincerely hope and pray that you can find the strength to break out of this cycle for both you and your daughter's sake. Please know that we are all here! ------------- http://lilypie.com"> 
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Posted By: cuppatea
Date Posted: 31 October 2007 at 9:30am
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yeah I'm afraid I'm another one who doesn't think he sounds all that great. I also think Kebabat was right and that you should perhaps get some counselling to help resolve your past. Obviously being strong enough to post it on here is great and maybe a sign that you are ready to deal with it all properly with the aid of a counseller.
If you really think that your guy is worth hanging in there for perhaps you should also try couples counselling so that you can deal with the trust issues. I'm so sorry for everything that has happened to you and I can't begin to imagine what any of that has been like to live through and to now have to live with the memories and emotions, remember though everyone is on here to help, even if we don't fully understand will we still listen and support you. ------------- 
 
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Posted By: caliandjack
Date Posted: 31 October 2007 at 9:41am
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Love Hugs to you. From my point of view, when the man you plan to marry makes you feel bad about yourself and isolates you from your friends that's a scary road to go down.
Nobody has the right to put you down and make you feel bad about yourself. EVER. You also sound like an amazing fantastic mum, who is raising her daughter in a wonderful way. You do need to look after yourself and put yourself first for Kylah's sake. ------------- http://lilypie.com" rel="nofollow">   [/url] Angel June 2012 |
Posted By: Tiff
Date Posted: 31 October 2007 at 10:03am
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Kandice - do come out of what you have has already proved you are a strong person who has a lot of love to share, but it sounds like you really need to give yourself some of that love.
I support what others have said about counselling, it's not always an easy thing to do but it can help so much talking to impartial third party, it can help you see things clearer and give you stratigies to help deal with other things. Please remember you are not alone and you are a strong, beautiful mummy who only deserves the best in life. ------------- http://lilypie.com">  
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Posted By: peachy
Date Posted: 31 October 2007 at 10:17am
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Big hugs to you. I just wanted to say, you have made the very first step towards grieving, dealing with and moving on from your past. Well done!
Have you considered seeing a councillor? I saw a councillor for 12 months when I was in my early 20's as I carried the burden of my parents bitter divorce with me and couldn't move on from it. I attended councelling regularly on and off for 12 months and I have never looked back! I have accepted my Dad for what he did to my family, I cannot change it, but I realised carrying the burden with me forever was only hurting me, no one else. I really really encourage you to see a councillor, talking is the best cure, she helped me become what I am today! ------------- http://lilypie.com">  http://lilypie.com">
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Posted By: Rachael21
Date Posted: 31 October 2007 at 10:54am
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Posted By: BaAsKa
Date Posted: 31 October 2007 at 11:02am
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aaawww huge hugs from us!!!!!
You need to find some kind of hobby that makes you happy, go out and meet new friends, enjoy your beautiful girl! and if your DF stops you from doing things that make you happy and if you always feel like you have to hide and walk on egg shells then get out of there and finally find a comfy place in life because you deserve it!!!! I wish you all the very best in becomming happy again 
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Posted By: ShellandBella
Date Posted: 31 October 2007 at 11:07am
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Oh, Kandice, you are a lot stronger than you give yourself credit for and once you truly believe this yourself, things will all start to fall into place. As for the counselling, I second what everyone else has said, and if you go through your GP you are entitled to a certain amount of sessions free. I think becoming a parent certainly puts things into perspective, and obviously having Kylah is helping you deal with some of your issues. Keep strong. ------------- http://lilypie.com"> 
http://lilypie.com"> 
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Posted By: katie1
Date Posted: 31 October 2007 at 11:26am
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Huge huge hugs from me too.
I agree with the others who have said you have inner strength and I also think you have made a big big step in writing it all down. We are all here for you. I am sorry but I agree with the people who have said you deserve SO much more than the man you have now. You have made a great start by sharing, please please go and talk to someone who can help you with all the bad things you have had happen to you. I am so pleased you have your beautiful daughter. You DO deserve her and you DO deserve to be happy and loved. Sending you all my love and best wishes. We are here for you. |
Posted By: nikkitheknitter
Date Posted: 31 October 2007 at 11:46am
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Geez, that's a whole lot to carry around all that time! I'm so glad you let it all out. I don't know if you want to hear this... but here goes anyway.
1) Charles has insecurity issues. Both of you should go to a relationship counsellor. You need to communicate and let him know how you feel and he needs to listen. Otherwise you will continue to feel horrible and he won't know how to do anything about it. 2) The termination at 15... not a pleasant experience at all. The only way I got through the one I had last year was from a little imaginary scenario of all the babies who have not yet been conceived hang around together up in the sky... and then when they are conceived they come to you. In my fantasy, my little one just went back up to the pool of babies and he/she will be ready to come down to someone else one day. So your little one is probably up there too... or has gone to someone else who had the time/energy/emotions to give her a life. Don't know if that helps at all but it makes the whole thing a whole lot more to stomach for me. I mean, realistically, I just couldn't have given then child the life I would want for my next kiddo... physically/emotionally/financially etc. xoxoxoxoxoxoxox |
Posted By: Rackhell
Date Posted: 31 October 2007 at 12:00pm
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My opinions, and I'm sorry if I offend.
I think that you are an amazingly strong person to have gone through what you've gone through. I wish you the very best for what you're going to have to do to live like you deserve to live. Do you want your daughter, your beautiful, innocent daughter to witness how her father treats her mother? Do you want her to be talked at and treated like he talks and treats you? Absolutely nothing that you have written here gives me any confidence at all that your DF will treat your daughter any better when she grows up than he treats you now. You've come through so much, get counselling, be strong for your daughter and break the cycle for her sake. |
Posted By: lizzle
Date Posted: 31 October 2007 at 12:18pm
| i wanted to add the family court has free couples counselling - up to 15 hours I think. you can apply online...somewhere |
Posted By: ElfsMum
Date Posted: 31 October 2007 at 12:25pm
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pm me if you want to know details about family court councelling Kandice.. 6 free sessions ..but in my opinion they are only good if he wants to go and wants to change... ------------- Mum to two amazing boys! |
Posted By: Aprilfools
Date Posted: 31 October 2007 at 1:07pm
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You haven't done anything wrong.
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Posted By: Rachael21
Date Posted: 31 October 2007 at 1:32pm
I know I keep going on about this but you are always welcome at our young mums playgroup on fridays on linwood ave if you ever need to get out of the house 
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Posted By: EllenMumof2
Date Posted: 31 October 2007 at 2:22pm
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-------------  
 
Kalem 6! |
Posted By: MissCandice
Date Posted: 31 October 2007 at 2:37pm
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Dont get me wrong i love my DF more than anything in this world (apart from Kylah) and i would do anything and everything to make him see what he means to me but he cant. Thanks for all your kind words.. iv been out today for the first time in ages, i went shopping with my mum. I have suggested couples councilling but he doesnt want to, he said we will come out worse.. i really dont know what to do to help us. I stopped seeing everyone i knew just so he would trust me! But i have a feeling he still doesnt.. life is pretty crap at the mo. ------------- ~ Mummy to a beautiful girl ~ |
Posted By: nikkitheknitter
Date Posted: 31 October 2007 at 2:48pm
| Show him this thread??? It'll be hard, but I think it says a lot... based on what you have told us and everyone elses' reactions. |
Posted By: my2angels
Date Posted: 31 October 2007 at 2:54pm
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you cant stop seeing people just so he will trust you, what sort of a life is that. is this really what you want your daughter growing up thinking is normal because ITS NOT!!! Im sure you do love him and im sure he loves you but thats not always enough and if its not a healthy lifestyle for your daughter you need to get her out of it and only you can decide if thats the case because no one knows what goes on behind closed doors and all that. My father treated my mum the way you have decribed you are treated and the best thing she ever did was leave. it took her years to do it and we went through a lot of horrible stuff but in the long run it had to happen.
but remember you are worth it and you do deserve to be happy! |
Posted By: caliandjack
Date Posted: 31 October 2007 at 2:56pm
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It sounds like you are doing everything you can, you also sound very hard on yourself.
Great that you were able to get out and about with your mum, do you talk to her about stuff. Good idea Nikki, show him what you've written to us, it may be easier for him to take in if he reads it in black and white. ------------- http://lilypie.com" rel="nofollow"> [/url] Angel June 2012 |
Posted By: ShellandBella
Date Posted: 31 October 2007 at 2:59pm
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And if theres no trust in a relationship its never going to work...you should never have to justify why and what you do with your life! ------------- http://lilypie.com">
http://lilypie.com">
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Posted By: Bombshell
Date Posted: 31 October 2007 at 3:15pm
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I disagree - dont show him this thread at all!
Get out! of the relationship - he is no good for someone like you with the emotional and psychological hold he has on you and the manner in which he is able to emotionally manipulate you If i was you I would be setting up to leave, get hold of womens refuge and get their help to get out, get counselling while you are there, and open your eyes to ensure that the genrational violence you have grown up in and been in in your relationship since then do not get repeated for your childs life too! Sorry if I am harsh but I do not read anything positive in you staying with him at all. I totally agree with Rackhell and G and T above. And sweetheart I deal with women who are in similar positions to you daily, and those who stay and those who leave - the happier ones are the ones who chose to leave (finally) and whose children have a great Daddy but mum doesnt have an awful partner! Give your child a chance to grow up differently to how you (and probably you DP) did. |
Posted By: MissCandice
Date Posted: 31 October 2007 at 3:44pm
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. ------------- ~ Mummy to a beautiful girl ~ |
Posted By: ShellandBella
Date Posted: 31 October 2007 at 3:50pm
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What was his reaction, Kandice? ------------- http://lilypie.com">
http://lilypie.com">
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Posted By: MissCandice
Date Posted: 31 October 2007 at 3:51pm
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. ------------- ~ Mummy to a beautiful girl ~ |
Posted By: MissCandice
Date Posted: 31 October 2007 at 3:55pm
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. ------------- ~ Mummy to a beautiful girl ~ |
Posted By: Bubbaloo
Date Posted: 31 October 2007 at 3:58pm
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Kandice I don't know what to say really but have to agree with what BS said. ------------- http://lilypie.com" rel="nofollow">  Was danni-chick Mum to James My Angel 28/07/08 |
Posted By: ShellandBella
Date Posted: 31 October 2007 at 4:12pm
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Perhaps he's scared you'll leave him and he'll lose the last bit of control he has over you?? Perhaps he should write something... ------------- http://lilypie.com">
http://lilypie.com">
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Posted By: cuppatea
Date Posted: 31 October 2007 at 4:14pm
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Ok maybe as he has seen this he should now write down all his feelings, allow him to vent and perhaps you will better understand him, then when it is all laid out you can talk through it. If after that he still doesn't care/doesn't want to listen/thinks its all you etc then get out.
You need to break the cycle one way or the other -------------
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Posted By: Bombshell
Date Posted: 31 October 2007 at 4:15pm
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im sorry to preach BUT...
and sorry for the long thread in advance! Domestic violence is usually about power and control [click on the image to enlarge] - couldnt get this to upload!!! The Power and Control wheel was developed by women in Duluth, USA, who had survived violence. Women in Aotearoa/ New Zealand have said that the wheel helps them understand the abuse they have experienced. The Power and Control wheel shows how domestic violence is not only about physical and/or sexual abuse, but usually also involves a range of tactics of psychological, emotional and financial abuse. The wheel also helps us to understand that violence in the home is usually not about someone being angry or stressed and 'losing it', but the abuse is actaully a way for the violent person to get their own way, and dominate their family members. Domestic violence is about controlling the victims through coercion and fear. Psychological abuse is one of the main ways that abusers control and intimidate their family members. Psychological abuse involves many different behaviours by the abuser that can sometimes seem like separate or small things. Women have said that they felt like they were going crazy because their abuser's actions seemed random and isolated, or small (like a look or a gesture) or hard to explain. The Power and Control wheel helps women to see the mind games, controlling behaviours, and threats form a pattern of power that is used to dominate and control them and their children. Physical and sexual violence, or the threat of it, is the 'rim' that holds the 'spokes' of the wheel together. Just one incident of physical and sexual violence, even the threat of it, can be enough to make women and children live in fear. This fear allows the psychological abuse tactics work, continuing the abuser's power over women and children. The Wheel also shows that psychological violence can easily ‘slip' over into physical and sexual violence at any time. The whole wheel of violence is driven by the hub, which is a system of power and control used by the abuser. Relationships don't have to be unequal or abusive. Healthy equal relationships take some work but they are possible. Your rights in a relationship are: • To be treated with respect - and define what respect is for you • To decide what is important for you and set your priorities • To have and express your own feelings and opinions • To have a different view and not feel guilty • To be listened to and taken seriously • To ask for what you want • To make mistakes and be allowed to try again Each right has a responsibility - to behave in the same way towards the other person. [from womens refuge and domestic violence information articles and sites] |
Posted By: lizzle
Date Posted: 31 October 2007 at 4:26pm
| I think also a lot of guys see a problem and try and fix it. When we complain they see it as us saying "this is your problem" - tyhey don't understand that often we just want someone to listen, not to offer solutions. I have had to drum this into my DH that when i tell him things and complain, i'm not saying it's his fault, i'm syaing sympathise with me, give me a hug, thats all i need/want. |
Posted By: AnnC
Date Posted: 31 October 2007 at 5:15pm
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I have read through this and I agree with gandt comments and bombshells.
You partner will not change - i know I thought my ex would of but never did. although he doesn't hit you he is emotionally hurting you and that doesn't go away like bruises do. If I had one peice of advise it is: Do what best for you and your daughter and get out of this relationship. Do not enter another one till you have had councilling yourself so you can break the chain (so to speak) I left cause of the kids and it was the best thing I ever did. I am now married to the most wonderful person who loves me and my kids (we also have one together) If you want to talk more you are welcome to PM as I know what emotions you will be going thru. ------------- Ann 
Also Mum to Josh (15) and Brooke (10) |
Posted By: lizzle
Date Posted: 31 October 2007 at 5:42pm
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okay, have reread stuff - missed a page. hun, if you needsupport to leave, you have us. and we may be cyber friends - but i'm sure there are enough of us to help you out re:clothihng (I can if you don't mind smelly boys clothes (not literally - i wash them)), and I could even find room here if you needed somewhere to stay (in palmerston). I really worry about you qwith him going through your stuff - passwrods etc.
talking about trust - you may have read some posts about me - my husband cheated. it's taken a long time to get back trust with him, but this is what I did - initially I made him show me all emails - i did not snoop (much), but made him show me. Afdter two months I agreed not to snoop - but i still know passwords. I let him go out with friends. i haven't stopped him seeing anyone socially (apart from the opbvious). if this is what someone who has been cheated on reacts like (and I admit not everyone is the same), how can your DH justify his behaviour and you've done NOTHING. he is very insecure |
Posted By: lizzle
Date Posted: 31 October 2007 at 5:44pm
| one last thing - please don't feel that if you do chose to stay with him, that we will judge you or anything. I'm sure I can speak on behalf of everyone when i say that we are here to support you whatever you decide. |
Posted By: MissCandice
Date Posted: 31 October 2007 at 5:47pm
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. ------------- ~ Mummy to a beautiful girl ~ |
Posted By: MissCandice
Date Posted: 31 October 2007 at 5:48pm
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You must be a very strong woman to be able to trust your DH again.. I couldnt imagine how i would feel if DF cheated on me, i think that would rip me apart. ------------- ~ Mummy to a beautiful girl ~ |
Posted By: cuppatea
Date Posted: 31 October 2007 at 6:10pm
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You don't need to take Kylah away from him, he can still be involved as a father you just don't need to be a couple. I really do think if he is unwilling to get help or to listen to you that you should leave. Part of the reason you can't imagine life without him is cos he hasn't beaten you down (emotionally) and made you dependant on him.
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Posted By: caitlynsmygirl
Date Posted: 31 October 2007 at 6:32pm
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okay, first of all i agree entirely with GandT and Bombshell, im sorry if i sound harsh but your partner sounds like a boy with a lot of issues himself and cant give you what you need, a loving trusting relationship, and i think deep down you know that but are too scared to make the move .
As for saying you'd be taking Kylah away from him, no you wouldnt,you would be taking her away from growing up in a house where mummy and daddy arent happy, so many people stay together in a relationship they arent a hundred percent happy in for the sake of the child, sometimes it can work out, when the couples work at it,but a majority of the time the family suffers and the ones who suffer the most are the children, often thinking they are to blame for their parent's unhappiness. My daughters father and i arent together, havent been since i was 7 weeks pregnant but shes never suffered, she has a good relationship with both of us. You've been through so much in your life already,some of what i can relate to personally and some which has me in awe that you came through it and i just think, its time to give yourself a break, put yourself first for once, especially since it seems like the ones you always put first dont appreciate it. I hope you find the strength to do whats right for you in your life, and as lizzle said we wont judge you for your decision,we just want you and your daughter to be happy |
Posted By: caitlynsmygirl
Date Posted: 31 October 2007 at 6:35pm
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[QUOTE=KylahsMum] I cant imagine not being with him, and how can i take him away from kylah? Hes a great dad.. He loves her to peices and he would never hurt her.. QUOTE]
and im sorry but by treating her mum this way, he is hurting her |
Posted By: emz
Date Posted: 31 October 2007 at 6:55pm
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Gosh Kandice I hope you are OK - aren't you worried that your being treated like a prisoner if you're made to feel bad everytime you try and feel good about yourself (eg, wearing nice clothes). Noone has the right to tell you how to live your life.
This guy has issues, and it sounds to me like you are much more emotionally into him than he is you (sorry if that's harsh). If he can't see that you're hurting, and he won't even make the effort to go to counselling to save his relationship, he's not worth it. He knows that you are too 'weak' (in his eyes) to leave him because he's worked so hard at getting a hold on you. If you ask a lot of people who have been through their parents separating, they say that they would rather have 2 sets of happy parents than 1 set of miserable ones. I know that you don't want Kylah to go through the terrible things that you have, and still are, gone through, so you do need to break the cycle. Emotional abuse is ABUSE, just because you don't have physical marks doesn't mean anything. In a lot of cases emotional abuse is worse because it takes a lot longer to recover from. You are doing a fab job as a mummy, don't let anyone tell you otherwise and I hope that one day you can accept your abortion. That little angel is in heaven, so don't worry about him/her, they're fine. Big hugs to you chick. You've got me really worried about you. Please let us know if there's anything we can do. |
Posted By: daikini
Date Posted: 31 October 2007 at 7:32pm
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Kandice, we are all here for you whatever you decide.
You have been through so much, its time to give yourself a break and step back from the situation. Granted we're not the most unbiased of spectators given that we've only heard your side of the story but you've been given a lot of good advice here. You are a good mother and person... you can trust us on that!  ------------- Becca, mum of 2 girls & 3 boys |
Posted By: busymum
Date Posted: 31 October 2007 at 8:36pm
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Oh big hugs. I want to recommend counselling too, I think if you can deal with your past then you will be able to enter/continue a relationship on far better ground.
I know you're engaged to Charles at the moment but I'm concerned that you guys are both not property ready for a marriage or any other full-on relationship with each other yet. He's trying to control you. I'm not saying that he's a bad or unlovely person but he's probably just scared he will lose you. Whatever the case, what he is doing is not right. It's not healthy for any of you (three) to function without the support of friends. You need friendships and so does he. I have to say that I'm with Bombshell on this one. I know you like Charles a lot but I think that a bit of separation would be good for both of you, so that you can each work on your own insecurities and work on building trust. If you have little trust and respect for each other, even just one-sided, you won't be able to make things work. The fact that you have noticed all this is one step forward but I think you need to make the next step - an even harder one. If he's like this when you're engaged, he probably will be the same or worse when you're married. Sorry to sound so negative. Really I just want to give you a big ------------- |
Posted By: 3boys
Date Posted: 31 October 2007 at 10:09pm
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Hi Kandice,
Big hugs to you
I too was pregnant as a teenager (16) and found myself in a similar relationship to yours. I stayed for five years. At the time my partner was also obsessed with me cheating on him - even though, just like you I had done nothing to cause him to think this. I want to be bold here and my advice to you is to leave him. By staying, your DF will only teach your daughter that this is how women are treated. I wish I had left earlier, and looking back I realise that he had major problems that really had nothing to do with me. I know this for sure now as every other relationship he has gone on to has gone down the same path. One morning I looked at him and realised that I was never going to have the life I wanted for my son with him, and I have never looked back. Not long after I meet my husband now, who taught me how a real man behaves and how a women deserves to be treated. He is a father to my son, that his biological father could never have been. We have gone on to have two more beautiful babies together. Your past has certainly presented some challenges for you, but you have made it through them, you are very strong. Don't blame yourself - I am sure you have only done what felt right at the time, and that is all we can ever do! One last piece of advice - doing it on my own was far easier than being stuck in that situation - if I had known that sooner I would have left earlier. It was largely fear of the unknown that stopped me. ------------- http://lilypie.com"> 
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Posted By: mummy_dee
Date Posted: 31 October 2007 at 10:37pm
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Hi Kandice,
Big hugs hun I'm sorry that you have gone through (and are still going through) so much in your life.
I can't really add much more to what everyone else has said, but I think counselling for your past AND present is definitely something you should be looking at. If your DF isn't willing to participate or even listen, then maybe you do need to think about whether your relationship should continue...is it really in your and Kylah's best interest? And remember that the OB community is here for you and care about you and would never judge you for any decisions you have or will make. xoxoxoxo ------------- Daphne Married Stuart: 19/03/05 Oliver: 9/06/06 Lilia due: 19/03/08 http://lilypie.com"> 
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Posted By: MissCandice
Date Posted: 01 November 2007 at 9:28am
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. ------------- ~ Mummy to a beautiful girl ~ |
Posted By: Rachael21
Date Posted: 01 November 2007 at 9:54am
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Go to your dr and explain how you are feeling (or even make something up if you don't feel comforatble talking to your dr) and they should give you a list of cheap or free councillors. Someone else might even know someone to ring to find out about it. My sister has had depression since she was about 11 and she used to blame it all on me so her councillor wanted me to go in there to make sure I didn't feel guilty about it and when I went in there I was like why am I even here this is stupid I have no problems, but man they can really make you open up. So don't worry about that they are trained especially to make people open up.
I think thats a good idea about making a list and really tell him that if things don't change you won't be around for much longer. Just speaking from experience (my dps dad was a real ass and his mum stayed there until ben was 15 cos she thought she had to stay for the kids and ben has a lot of issues from that) if things get really bad don't feel guilty for leaving Kylah will be fine. She will probably respect him and like him a whole lot more if she never sees him treating you like that. Anyway don't feel bad for staying either he might just need a wee scare like this for him to turn his attitude around.
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Posted By: MissCandice
Date Posted: 01 November 2007 at 10:01am
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. ------------- ~ Mummy to a beautiful girl ~ |
Posted By: Rachael21
Date Posted: 01 November 2007 at 10:09am
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man your ex sounds like my ex he cheated on me with 3 girls in one day after I left his house. Man some boys are losers.
Yeah I think you have the right attitude with the whole drugs thing bens stupid dr gave him all these anti depressants and sleeping pills (which I threw away there was no way I was going to trust ben with sleeping pills) but gave him no advice with seeing a coucellor. Anti depressants are good for right now but you need to solve your problems not just stick a sticking plaster on them.
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Posted By: ElfsMum
Date Posted: 01 November 2007 at 10:18am
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Kylah'sMum wrote: I really want us to go to couples councilling but i know he wont, he feels we will come out worse than we are now? Is that true? Who has done it? Did it make life harder on you? I have been there and it is possible for him to change but it involves a) a lot of hard work on his part and emotional discussion on yours too....it wasn't easy and really if he hadn't been 100% committed to it I would have left(you know my story and it's nowhere near as bad as yours and i did leave initally..i just couldnt put myself through it..but i am very very lucky in that i have a lot of other positive role model relationship wise..although he was not the first abusive person i had been involved with...) if I hadn't left or we hadn't got the councelling we wouldn't still be together or in a much happier relationship based on respect..but boy did it take a lot of work and committment.. It made things better slowly(we started counseling in december and things started slowly getting better in feb.. we got family court sessions then he got 12 other sessions)...but i found talking to the counsellor hard but in the end it was worth it.. honestly the fact he doesn't want to get help implies that he thinks he doesn't have a problem..when he does..as PP said about the power wheel(we went over that at my sessions) he is all about power and control..and if you don't do something about it Kylah will have to deal with the same issues in a few years:( as i suspect his behaviour will begin on her and she will also think what she sees with you guys is the normal ' way to behave.. it is a really hard situation without any easy answers.... ------------- Mum to two amazing boys! |
Posted By: ShellandBella
Date Posted: 01 November 2007 at 10:29am
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My parents went through counselling through the family court when they were separated and heading for divorce. My Mum said it saved their marriage, because in the end, the counsellor was able to resolve a lot of issue with my father (he had a terrible childhood with 2 abusive parents) and he was able to work through some of these and she also gave them techniques to use in their relationship. My Dad is VERY stubborn but went for the sake of the marriage and it worked out for the best. If you DF isn't willing to make that step and can't see that anything is wrong in your relationship, then I'm afraid you're pretty much fighting a losing battle. But for yourself, your GP should have a list of counsellors that you can go to, and don't worry if you don't feel like talking, counsellors are trained to guide you through the sessions - if you find it easier to write your feelings out then they may use that for the first few sessions... ------------- http://lilypie.com">
http://lilypie.com">
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Posted By: ShellandBella
Date Posted: 01 November 2007 at 10:32am
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Check this link out...
http://www.justice.govt.nz/family/what-familycourt-does/relationships/counselling.asp#fc2 - Family court stuff ------------- http://lilypie.com">
http://lilypie.com">
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Posted By: MissCandice
Date Posted: 01 November 2007 at 10:35am
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. ------------- ~ Mummy to a beautiful girl ~ |
Posted By: MissCandice
Date Posted: 01 November 2007 at 10:38am
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Thanks shell, will have a look now ------------- ~ Mummy to a beautiful girl ~ |
Posted By: Aprilfools
Date Posted: 01 November 2007 at 10:40am
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I don't think he wants to go to counselling because he knows that he's going to get called out and told that the way he is treating you is wrong. I think that by not going and stopping you from going it is yet another way to control you. I think he's probably thinking that you will become more strong willed and he will lose his control over you. I don't think he has any respect for you.
Would you ever treat someone the way he is treating you? Would you want someone to treat your daughter like this one day when she is in a relationship? Setting some ground rules is a great idea if you are going to stay in the relationship. DH and I always confront each other now when each of us is getting ticked off with the other. We know where the boundaries are and we try not to cross them. Please do try some counselling even if you have to go alone. And like the others have all said we are all here for you.
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Posted By: MissCandice
Date Posted: 01 November 2007 at 10:44am
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. ------------- ~ Mummy to a beautiful girl ~ |
Posted By: Aprilfools
Date Posted: 01 November 2007 at 10:50am
| You're being so brave. Good for you. I hope you find someone really good to help you out. |
Posted By: ElfsMum
Date Posted: 01 November 2007 at 10:52am
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family court ..well the one we went to does individual sessions then together.. you sound like you are blaming yourself..it truely isn't your fault !!! ------------- Mum to two amazing boys! |
Posted By: MissCandice
Date Posted: 01 November 2007 at 10:57am
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But thats just it.. the issues i have are effecting our relationship. Even he said that, if i didnt have these issues everything would be fine. I make him feel like he cant make me happy, and he doesnt feel like i want him/need him/love him. He feels like he gets no effection.
i mean iv been trying soo hard for the last 2 weeks to make him feel wanted and loved and i asked him yesterday if he noticed a change but he hasnt! I feel like i cant win! ------------- ~ Mummy to a beautiful girl ~ |
Posted By: Aprilfools
Date Posted: 01 November 2007 at 11:00am
| Yes you do have issues but by the sounds of things so does he so how can this be your fault? What is it that you do that makes him think he can't make you happy? |
Posted By: MissCandice
Date Posted: 01 November 2007 at 11:08am
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Because i will want to have a talk about the things bothering me, so he gets it in his head im not happy, and all the million times i said i was happy, because i am, were lies and really iv been unhappy all along.. GRRR he doesnt understand that yes i was happy all week but today i need to talk about some general issues, so to him that means i was lying about being happy all week and really he never makes me happy.. ------------- ~ Mummy to a beautiful girl ~ |
Posted By: Aprilfools
Date Posted: 01 November 2007 at 11:20am
| Then it's not your fault then is it? All you're trying to do is open up to him and he's actually shutting you out. He's not trying or showing any willingness to understand you or help you work through your feelings. Perhaps he doesn't know how to do this. |
Posted By: ElfsMum
Date Posted: 01 November 2007 at 11:21am
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i do get what you mean..but..he just turns it all on you because that's what people who control others do.. I had issues to when i went counselling and it worked wonders for me ...but he was ready to accept what he did was wrong and his behaviour had to change..it wasn't reliant on how i acted(even though that's how he thought when we first went..he thought if i just changed it would be all better) but the counsellor helped him see we both have issues but some behaviour just isn't acceptable..ever. ------------- Mum to two amazing boys! |
Posted By: naki_noodle
Date Posted: 01 November 2007 at 11:23am
| Hi Kylahsmum, I have sat and read through most of the posts from you on this topic and found it a little disturbing, although my childhood was a walk in the park compared to yours I had the misfortune to fall in love with a controlling man. Most of the things I see you typing is only a slight variation on what I used to hear from him and I'm sorry hun they don't change and they don't get better. No one should be expected to give up their friends to be trusted or have their privacy invaded like that and please if you only do one thing trust your feelings no matter what he says. I got away from my former husband and I had a not quite 1 year old and a 2 1/2 year old and yes I had my bad days but you will find their are plenty of people who will listen and help if you ask. You are worth more than this, if you are not happy your daughter will not be happy. I hope this helps I know its hard but stay strong and don't blame yourself ITS NOT YOUR FAULT!!!! |
Posted By: daikini
Date Posted: 01 November 2007 at 12:02pm
Warning - long post ahead! This could be a communication glitch - and something every couple goes through! Men are "fixers" (like Lizzle mentioned earlier) but women are "talkers", so when you say "I want to talk about something that's bothering me" he hears "my partner has a problem and wants me to fix it". Then he gets cross because you don't want his solutions, and you get upset because you feel like he's not empathising. The other thing that could be going on involves a concept called http://www.fivelovelanguages.com/ - The Five Love Languages . The basic idea is that everyone has a core "Love Language" that they use to tell those they care about that they love them. The 5 languages are Words of Affirmation (eg compiments), Quality Time, Receiving Gifts, Acts of Service (eg doing things for others), and Physical Touch (for further information http://www.fivelovelanguages.com/learn.html - see here ) Dr Gary Chapman (the author of the Five Love Languages concept) says that most people tend to speak their dominate language by default. However, if your partner's dominate language isn't the same one as yours then that's when miscommunications and hurt feelings happen - it can be as easy to misunderstand as if one of you spoke only Chinese and the other only English! To show you what I mean, my dominate language is Gifts. I tend to show my affection through giving small things - cards, notes, flowers, baking, my time... doesn't have to be expensive. My husband's dominate language is Touch. He shows his affection through contact - hugs, holding hands, putting his hand on my body... doesn't have to be sexual, although naturally that becomes a part of it. Its been hard work, but we've both learned to speak the other's love language and things have improved between us. I've stopped pushing Nat away as I realised he's just being loving, and Nat has realised that I find being constantly touched a little overwhelming. Nat has starting recieving the things I give him with more appreciation, and also realised that it makes my day for him to come home from work with something little for me. ------------- Becca, mum of 2 girls & 3 boys |
KylahsMum wrote:Posted By: Nic01
Date Posted: 01 November 2007 at 12:38pm
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I think that getting counselling on your own first sounds like a great idea. Regardless of what happens between you & DF, there are obviously things that have happened in the past that you need to come to terms with so that you can move forward. I'm sure that counselling will help you to deal with those issues.
It's a shame that your DF isn't more receptive to the idea of couples counselling, but maybe once he sees that you are getting benefits from your individual counselling sessions & that you are committed to trying to improve your relationship & make things work he may come round to the idea. If things dont't change then maybe you need to reassess your relationship & decide if it really is what you want. They say that the first step is admitting that there is a problem, so good on you for doing that. I hope you get the help you need. ------------- http://lilypie.com">  http://lilypie.com">
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Posted By: Bizzy
Date Posted: 01 November 2007 at 2:41pm
but love your not happy... |
Posted By: Bombshell
Date Posted: 01 November 2007 at 4:10pm
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I agree Deb - and You know what you wont be happy with this man...and Im gonna suggest that will be EVER!
I am very concerned about your child = and if someone else picks up on this sometime or your child gets to school / day care age and someone notices problems around the child (behaviour, comments etc) you will have CYFS on your doorstep and unfortunatley I bet the response from him will be that you have ISSUES and then you will be on back foot defending yourself and trying to keep your child...he will look fine in it all cause he wont be seen to have done anything wrong cause you wont have told anyone! I still say get out, work on yourself, and then see if there is really anything left to fix or not! |
Posted By: caliandjack
Date Posted: 01 November 2007 at 4:37pm
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They're currently running an article on Family Violence in our local paper and it describes exactly what you've said.
This is what is says: It is Never OK if your Partner: - scares or intimidates you - makes you feel like everything you do or say is wrong - constantly criticises or humiliates you - forces you to have sex or do sexual acts you don't want to - frequently accuses you of sleeping with other people - blames everything on you - threatens you, your children or your family - makes you feel scared of what might happen next The number to ring is 0800 456 450. All the things it says are what you've said over the last 5 pages, Get yourself some help, for your safety and Kylahs. ------------- http://lilypie.com" rel="nofollow"> [/url] Angel June 2012 |
Posted By: Andie
Date Posted: 02 November 2007 at 10:51am
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I'm a bit late in finding this thread, but aw Kandice, my heart goes out to you and you know I'm a big fan of you, even though we've never met - there's something awesome about you, girl. The thing is, there will be all sorts of reasons for why Charles acts the way he does, and there's that rule of thumb that 'hurt people hurt people'... and I get that you really love him. But this is out of your control - none of us can change a damn thing about our partners no matter how hard we try - they have to change stuff for themselves. And that's tolerable when the things we want to change are annoying little issues like everyone has. but hun, the things that your DF needs to change are HUGE, and realistically, there's nothing that anyone can do to make him change anything. And why would he want to change a thing anyway - this works for him right now. He's got his wonderful fiancee who will bust a gut trying to please him, his beautiful daughter, life is sweet! Now I'm not blaming you one bit for his behaviour - I know you're trying everything you can to keep the peace. Please don't think I'm saying he's a bad person, I'm saying that he's really bad at relationships, and you're the one suffering for it. Please don't trick yourself into thinking that things will get better when he's already made it so clear that he's not about to change anything. You're a brave and strong woman, and I love your idea of going to some counselling by yourself first - get in there girl, and spill your guts! I think you're underselling yourself by saying that you can't talk about things but can only write them down... you've already tried talking to your DH - a counsellor is guaranteed to have a kinder response to you opening up! I hate to say it, but children will always suffer from being in a home where mum is abused, it's impossible for them to grow up with it (any kind - emotional, physical, sexual, verbal abuse) and not feel the pain of all of that, no matter how hard mum tries to protect them from it. And I do use the word 'abuse', because that's exactly what is happening to you. You are such a loving and kind mum to you wee girl - the two of you could really make a go of things together. I remember when Ella was a newborn I asked someone who I really admire how she ever managed as a single mum to her daughter (I just couldn't fathom trying to go it alone, and had a whole new respect for my friends who have), and she told me really simply - it was hard, but still much, much easier than trying to raise her baby with her partner on the scene creating havoc. She's now married to an incredible man, and they are a happy family. As well as talking to a counsellor - the idea to ring women's refuge was a great one... even just ring and chat to them to get some advice on whether or not they think you could benefit from their services. You don't have to be the stereotypical beaten woman with a black eye and six kids to use their services - you'd be suprised at how the women there have come from all walks of life. PM me if you want to chat more... I'm aware that I've written a total novel here! Just know that you DO deserve the respect that you want. And you deserve happiness. ------------- Andie |
Posted By: MissCandice
Date Posted: 03 November 2007 at 9:04am
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Hey andie, thanks heaps! We had a talk yesterday, i asked him if he would come to couples councilling with me.. his reply was.. i cant be f***ed! And that im the one that should go to councilling. Then we talked some more and he said he would come. When he first said he wasnt going to coe i told him its over then. I also siad he has a choice to make, either he comes and he helps to make this family right or we walk away now before she gets old enough to understand. It was really hard and i cried heaps. I still feel like he has no respect for me, but i will see how this councilling pans out.. if it works, il be stoked if it doesnt, i need out. ------------- ~ Mummy to a beautiful girl ~ |
Posted By: caraMel
Date Posted: 03 November 2007 at 9:08am
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Way to go Kandice, you sound really determined to make your life better and you deserve it.
------------- Mel, Mummy to E: 6, B: 4 and:
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Posted By: my4beauties
Date Posted: 03 November 2007 at 9:41am
Yay Kandice, that's great you've talked to him, & that you're going to try counselling. Hopefully it'll work for both of you.  ------------- My babies: R (9),G (7), J (5) http://lilypie.com" rel="nofollow">
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Posted By: MissCandice
Date Posted: 03 November 2007 at 9:42am
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I really do want it to get better.. i dont want to be or feel like a doormat anymore, not saying he does it all the time. Some days are harder than others. ------------- ~ Mummy to a beautiful girl ~ |
Posted By: AnnC
Date Posted: 03 November 2007 at 10:44am
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ok In all honesty I sure you beleive he will go to councilling but hun - I personally think he agreed to end the conversation. My EX was excatly the same and your relationship sounds like a repeat of mine (with the ex)
Only you can sort this out and I am affraid you will try and 'fix' it for a while yet before realising that nothing will change. It took a close family friend dying young for me to realise it wasn't what I wanted. What if I died young and looked back on my life. i would not of been happy that i spent so much time trying to fix something that wasn't fixable in the first place. It is all about control and if he goes to councilling and you sort it out - he loses that control so why would he want to go? Hun you need to stop thinking 'rose coloured glasses' what ifs and sit and ask yourself the same question I asked myself 'If I died tomorrow, would I be happy with what i left behind and what i had done' 'Am I happy to leave my kid/s with this man' I too thought my ex was a good dad but when I left he used his daughter to get to me and now moved away with out saying goodbye or anything. thats not a good dad at all... i am not saying Charlie is the same BUT he does sound an awful lot like my Ex. ------------- Ann
Also Mum to Josh (15) and Brooke (10) |
Posted By: cuppatea
Date Posted: 03 November 2007 at 10:46am
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You're really brave Kandice and I hope that he does step up and utilise the councilling. -------------
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Posted By: MissCandice
Date Posted: 03 November 2007 at 10:52am
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If he doesnt want to change things for the better then the counsilling wont work, and we will realize this while we are there, or at least the councilor will.. I know what you all are saying is true its just so hard to face the fact that i may loose him, and the fairy tale dream of a perfect family. I mean who would want a single mum with that amount of baggage? ------------- ~ Mummy to a beautiful girl ~ |
Posted By: cuppatea
Date Posted: 03 November 2007 at 11:00am
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There are lots of decent men around who wouldn't be put off by you having a child or a dodgy past. But I would suggest if you do leave that you take a while for it to be just you and Kylah and for you to work on yourself so that you don't fall into another bad relationship -------------
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Posted By: AnnC
Date Posted: 03 November 2007 at 11:30am
is this something you have told yourself or been told? I had 2 'baggages' my two beautiful children. I met my husband thinking a bit of fun as I met him when he was 24 and me 28 no way would he want to take on me and my 2 kids (I had this drummed into me that no one would want me) and here we are 6 years later, married with another baby of our own - and VERY happy. This is true happiness ------------- Ann
Also Mum to Josh (15) and Brooke (10) |
Posted By: peachy
Date Posted: 03 November 2007 at 11:33am
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I do agree that you need to fix yourself first and deal with all your past and have your issues resolved before you can ever start working on your relationship. Does he not realise that counselling is not about you said she said, he said, I said, or about blaming one person or the other, its all about talking and getting things out in the the open. DF and I went to counselling about a year into our relationship, but we went seperately first to work on ourselves, then went together to work on us. Although he was never abusive to me, we both felt we had issues from our pasts (he had been cheated on so was VERY insecure, I had my parents divorce hanging over my head) and honestly we have never looked back. It made us so strong as a couple even now 7 years on, we refer back to the counselling when one of us has miscommunicated!
I really do hope that he agrees to get some help along with yourself. Big hugs, I am sure you are needing lots of these at the moment xo ------------- http://lilypie.com"> http://lilypie.com">
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Posted By: MissCandice
Date Posted: 03 November 2007 at 11:55am
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I used to have it drummed into my head by my ex.. its just something i feel.. i mean i dont want another relationship if this one falls apart.. i just cant do it anymore.. ------------- ~ Mummy to a beautiful girl ~ |
Posted By: AnnC
Date Posted: 03 November 2007 at 2:04pm
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You are the one who has to go thru this and you are the one that has to make the decison thats right for you and your daughter. We are hear to listen and give advise if needed and a virtual hug too.
I wish you all the best with whatever you choose todo ------------- Ann
Also Mum to Josh (15) and Brooke (10) |
Posted By: busymum
Date Posted: 03 November 2007 at 3:01pm
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Sounds like you had a great talk, good on ya. ------------- |
Posted By: Gwen_
Date Posted: 03 November 2007 at 3:13pm
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Kandice sorry babe I just found this, but like I have said before, theres always a place auckland for you and kylah to come crash! The flat downstairs is free at the moment.
Glad you had a good talk, hope it works out for ya. Talk soon darl! PS if you need a good counselor down your way just PM me and I can give you the details of a friend of mine. ------------- We're in America for 3 months with Mummy and Daddy! http://lilypie.com">  
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Posted By: nikkitheknitter
Date Posted: 03 November 2007 at 4:26pm
Oh Kandice, it's so not like that! Yeah, you might be feeling down at the moment but if you have the chance to find someone to share your life with (that accepts you for who you are) then the "baggage" disappears. Or atleast you have someone who WILL provide the love and support you need to get through everything that has got you down in the past. I always maintain that having a kid just means you get to filter out the assholes. I mean, some of them get through but for the most part you end up with people that are genuinely interested in you. |
Posted By: james
Date Posted: 03 November 2007 at 4:35pm
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I always maintain that having a kid just means you get to filter out the assholes. I mean, some of them get through but for the most part you end up with people that are genuinely interested in you.[/QUOTE] hehehe could,nt off said it better myselfffff nikki ------------- <a href="http://lilypie.com"><img src="http://b4.lilypie.com/nLJ5p13.png" alt="Lilypie 4th Birthday Ticker" border="0" /></a> |