Support for soon to be adoptive Mum..
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Category: Have A Baby?
Forum Name: Kindy and Beyond
Forum Description: So you've survived the sleepless nights and toddler tantrums, now the fun really begins! Talk to other parents of older children here!
URL: https://www.ohbaby.co.nz/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=13173
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Topic: Support for soon to be adoptive Mum..
Posted By: Emmecat
Subject: Support for soon to be adoptive Mum..
Date Posted: 24 December 2007 at 8:58am
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Hi ladies Some of you might know me from the ttc board where DP and I are trying for our first baby together. He has a couple of kids from a previous relationship who live with their Mum; the kids are great and we all get on well. However we are also in the unusual position of taking on the full time role of caregivers to another child from his family who he raised from a few months old. This wee boy is now 4 going on 5 and a real sweetie. His biological parents for various reasons are not and will not ever be around for him and so we (I!) have agreed to give him a full time home with us as he really needs a Mum and solid family environment. I'm a bit nervous about the task ahead as I don't have any children of my own (yet). Both of our families think this is the best idea and admire us and love us for doing this, which is nice but I am more worried about the practicalities of this little boy who is going to live with us in a few weeks! He is excited and looking forward to it, as I am but I just feel I don't have the support I might need to cope with what I'm sure is going to be a difficult initial few months. The wee boy is lovely but the last couple of months has started showing signs of uncertainty about where he belongs and has been acting out etc because of this. I understand this completely and both DP and I have allowed for it, but as I am going to be doing at least half of the parenting then I want to be more confident about what I am doing! We have lots of family suipport although they aren't physically very close to us at all- about a solid half hour drive to the closest. We are in a new area too so I don't know many people and don't really know where to start looking. I appreciate that when he starts school next year I will meet other mums through there but until then I wondered if you experienced mums had any suggestions about what to do with him while we're at home together when his dad is working, or cheap (free?) places I can take him to keep him amused? I don't want to resort to dumping him in front of a tv as thats happened a bit in the place he's been staying in the last 18 months, even though he has been happy there. The other question I have is are there any groups or support for new 'instant' Mums in my position? DP isn't worried about it (obviously) as he raised him- although he does see why I am a bit nervous about it. It feels a little overwhelming although it IS something I want to do. I'm working part time and studying part time as well as ttc (which we are very keen on). DP is working full time but hours that will allow him to happily take care of the child when I'm working or studying. HE's a good committed Dad, just far more relaxed about things than I, although like I said he is trying to see my point of view. Sorry for the long post but I feel I need some help here. Theres many things I"m afraid of, including losing my independance and being bored- I know that sounds terrible! Any advice greatly appreciated. -------------   http://lilypie.com" rel="nofollow"> 
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Replies:
Posted By: nikkitheknitter
Date Posted: 24 December 2007 at 9:23am
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Oh wow! Sorry I don't have any practical advice but what a lovely thing to do!!
I always tell preggo ladies not to fear as the babies don't come out fully grown! But in your case, he does! I would suggest a parenting course for young boys... I don't know if any are running immediately, but it's always worth heading to one when you find it. And good luck  I hope he settles in quickly.
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Posted By: Emmecat
Date Posted: 24 December 2007 at 9:41am
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Hi Nikki Thanks for your feedback- yes it's the 'coming out fully grown' bit that worries me a bit! It's hard enough having a brand new baby one I imagine... I thought of a parenting course..wasn't sure where to start looking for them though? ------------- http://lilypie.com" rel="nofollow">
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Posted By: Jennz
Date Posted: 24 December 2007 at 9:43am
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Wow what an amazing thing you are doing! Hes a very lucky boy to be going to people who obviously are really looking out for him.
I personally would read a whole bunch of books. Whenever I'm going into a new situation I read as much as I can about it and it helps me feel more equipped. I'm sure theres bound to be some literature out there about adopting, and adopting older children- try amazon or your local library. As for activites- swimming and parks. Kids love parks- they are great for burning off energy and for you to meet other Mums. You could also check your local paper to see if there are any activities for kiddies- as its holidays there should be a fair bit on right now. Also try the meet up threads on here as some mums have older children as well as babies and I'm sure they'd be keen to meet up. Good luck with it all  Let us know how it goes!------------- Jen, Charlotte 7 & Kate 3 
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Posted By: Bumble
Date Posted: 24 December 2007 at 9:51am
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For a parenting course, may I suggest https://www.parentsinc.org.nz/home/ - Parents Inc.
This is run by Ian and Mary Grant. You may have seen them on Close Up a few times... The courses you should look at are: Hot Tips on Growing Boys ToolBox Courses (They run diff ones for various childrens ages) No Sweat Parenting - Which is given by Pio Terei. These are run in different areas all over the country. I hope that there is one near you that is running soon! ------------- formerly known as "Bee" Ethan ~ March 2003 Big 6 year old school boy! Micah ~ Aug 2008 ~ Smiley pants who loves telephones! |
Posted By: cuppatea
Date Posted: 24 December 2007 at 9:58am
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What a trully wonderful thing that you are doing.
I don't have a child that old so others will probably be better to advise but if it was me I would be looking to do two things. Firstly making him feel like it is his home as well as yours, so I would take him out and let him choose a duvet cover, maybe new curtains, a border, lampshade etc to personalise his room so that he knows that it is his space and that he is gonna be there long term. I would also make sure that he brings lot of his stuff with him. Any toys or comforts etc that he has where he is now. For the activities I would try to pick some that you can do as a family unit, so maybe swimming or cycling and then also look for a local playgroup so that he can meet new friends in your area and you can meet mums. Secondly I would want to create stability for him, the poor boy has been pushed from pillar to post and I think its important to now set guidelines and boundaries for him and I think the best way to do that would be to draw up a routine and/or house rules (like supernanny does) and to tie in with the above I would have him involved in creating them. Doesn't have to be anything too concrete, maybe just house rules, No hitting, shouting, swearing, name calling etc (you have to stick to it as well  ). And the routine could have dinner, bedtime and pencil in when you are going to do activities etc.
I think the parenting course is a great idea too and reading books, i'm sure there is tons of stuff out there for foster parents and adoptive parents that would be relevant, maybe also get in touch with plunket I know he is nearing the end of the age range they cover but they will probably have loads of local contacts for you to get the right support. Good luck. ------------- 
 
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Posted By: AnnC
Date Posted: 24 December 2007 at 10:16am
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Start as you mean to go on .... Thats my first advise.
I was sort of in your position in the fact when I was with my ex he had a daughter from a pervious relationship. Her mother wasn't exactly mother of the year and so the grand mother asked if ex wanted to get custody of his daughter and she would support him. I was right behind him but also worried of this little girl up setting our ready made home. i did voice this to my ex - he took it the wrong way but he always did (another story entirly)As it was it didn't happen and eventually the grandmother got custody... BUt why i said it was I understand how you are feeling. As for things to do. Have you got boys toys? Like cars/trucks, sand pit, blocks etc... do you know what sort of things he likes to do or play with? Have you thought maybe taking him shopping to buy stuff for his room so he feel like he was part of the 'settling process'. by the sounds of it he seems to be a n adaptable child. more than anything this child will need reassurance that he is wanted and this IS his final home. And I know it gets said alot of times but the best thing you can spend on him is TIME. Places like parent centre, playcentre, mainly music and the likes are good places for you to go as there will be other parents for you to mingle with and ask questions if need be. Where abouts do you live? perhaps there is someone on here close to you that has older child (espec a boy) that you can PM and ask to meet up. If you were closse to me i would be more than happy and could borrow you boys things till you got more settled in and set up (as I would need them back for when rhyley got old enough) just a thought most people on here are pretty friendly and would love to form a friendship. ------------- Ann 
Also Mum to Josh (15) and Brooke (10) |
Posted By: Emmecat
Date Posted: 24 December 2007 at 4:02pm
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Wow you guys are great- thank you so much for the kind and helpful responses! I replied on the other thread as well but this has given me heaps to work with here.... the wee boy is lovely, gets on well with the other 2 children (who we see twice a week), I was just worried becuase I don't know any other children this age around for him to play with. BUT this thread has given me some ideas. We have a park at the school he'll be attending next year so I can take him there most days. Also a pool nearby where maybe we can both go swimming! I think cleaning out his room and having all his own stuff will help hugely too; he already stays with us once a fortnight and visits twice a week too, so he (they) know the hosue rules. But as it was mentioned, we DO need to set and keep house rules as I'm sure he'll 'try it on'! I don't feel like I"m doing such an amazing thing...I honestly believe anyone would do the same in this situation, it just breaks my heart that he's been bloody dumped twice... AnnC- you mentioned mucic group and I think thats a great idea! I was really hoping to take him to drama or music as he's really got a natural bend in that direction, very musical. SO I guess that will be somewhere else to meet other Mums. Another question I have is: how do I explain to new Mums or strangers who I am in relation to him? Do I call him my son, my adopted son, my foster child? The other question is: what do I tell him to call me?? At the moment he calls me by my first name like my DP's other children do, and thats fine with me. However as this wee lad will actually be living WITH us as our son, then should we explain we're his Mum and Dad now or just let him come to that natural conclusion? I don't mind either way, just gets wearying having to explain to other people what the story is all the time.... Am I just thinking too much about all of this?!
------------- http://lilypie.com" rel="nofollow">
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Posted By: AnnC
Date Posted: 24 December 2007 at 4:35pm
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I will try and answer you other questions...
You could say you are his caregiver. If they ask more adn you want to tell more then go from there. As for what he calls you at first I would keep it as it is - hes enough to get use to (and you for that matter). but as time goes on and your all relax into your life together. You could have a talk with him and ask if he would like to call you Mum and Dad. As my older 2 aren't my Dh bio children they have always called him by his first name. When we got married and then had rhyley DH said to the kids (when we were eating dinner) if they wanted to call him dad that was fine with him (in different words but meant that) They were all for it but LOL they still call him his first name as they are so use to it - but at least they know they can if they want. You are just nervous of this and its natural - ask any questions you like - it shows you care. ------------- Ann
Also Mum to Josh (15) and Brooke (10) |
Posted By: nictoddie
Date Posted: 26 December 2007 at 9:27am
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Good on you for doing this what an amazing gift for him, and what a journey it is going to be for you, Will he be going to kindy? My 4.5 year old is really into trains, and cars , sandpit etc.
My friend recently remarried and they now have a blended family hers are all teenagers and his are 8 and 5 the girls lost their mother to cancer, at first they called her by her first name and then gradually she became mum , he will do this in his own time , best luck with becoming a family and have lots of fun. ------------- 
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Posted By: Emmecat
Date Posted: 26 December 2007 at 6:15pm
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Thanks for your replies ladies. It's so nice to be able to come on here and talk about things I'm worried about and get such support!! It was funny, we've just had the 3 kids for 2 days and although I'm tired- and noticed HEAPS how much attention seeking this little boy is doing at the moment...he did slip once and call me Mum! So I think we'll do like you suggested and sit him down and explain it all...if he wants to call me Mum then that's fine. I think it'll happen naturally anyway. I've just posted a long reply on my other thread in General Chat- but I've got some great ideas now about what to do with him etc and hepas more support from DP and my family concerning this big life change. I've also told DP I'll be ready to take him in just under 3 weeks time!! Yikes! Am nervous/happy/excited/worried all at once!! He's been really understanding but also knows it's quite a big ask in some ways! It sounds like I"ll get the time I need to adjust and keep at least some of my independance...as well as this I"ve had reassurance I'll be a good Mum and we will still have a great 'couple' relationship. So I feel a little more at ease now! ------------- http://lilypie.com" rel="nofollow">
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Posted By: Emmecat
Date Posted: 26 December 2007 at 6:19pm
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Oh I'm not sure if I mentioned this: Nictoddie- He has been going to Kindy for the last year and starts at a nearby school to us in February. He's been to the half day already and LOVED it. So very excited about that!! Also, my DP is a big kid himself and has remote control tanks and other boys toys...so the two of them wil be blowing things up adn ruining my vege garden together with their games, I'm sure!! ------------- http://lilypie.com" rel="nofollow">
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Posted By: nictoddie
Date Posted: 27 December 2007 at 10:06am
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Thats great and very exciting for you to have made a decision... well done, best of luck with starting a new family -------------
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Posted By: youngmumnz
Date Posted: 30 December 2007 at 6:54pm
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Just wanted to say congrats Emmecat.
Its not easy to begin with her might be a bit hesitant but if you spend time with him he will adjust really easily and quick too. When i met my partner he was a solo dad and had two kids aged 2 and 9months, his son is now 5 but lives with his mother (its what he wanted i guess he missed her alot but shes a cow and wont let us see him even though we still have full custody (another drama all together lol)) his daughter whom we have full time and lives with us is nearly 3, i just excepted her as my own to begin with and showerd her with love and time she calls me mum and doesnt really know who her biological mother is and we like it that way for now till she is older. We had our first two kids this year (yes ek two in one year lol) and she loves them, her sister whom is turning one soon follows her around and they play together all the time its great. As for independance i have no advice lol i have 3 kids under 5 so thats been a foreign concept for a year now lol but kindys are great for interaction with other children. My friend keeps saying it takes a person with a big heart and alot of love to take someone elses kids under your wing, so keep it in mind its helped me through some ruff times. :D my msn is petrolheadchic2006@hotmail.com if you wanna add me :D cheers, jess -------------  http://www.playtimemagic.co.nz - Playtime Magic - "Little minds can do great things"
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Posted By: Emmecat
Date Posted: 31 December 2007 at 2:42pm
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Hi Jess Hey thanks for that! Wow you sound really busy with all your wee ones! 2 in one year?! I'm really looking forward to getting our little guy, it's not the ex's son and she's not too much of a cow anyway LOL... although some might disagree (DP for one). LOL. But our new boys biological parents have never raised him, never bonded with him so although I think he technically knows they're his parents, they've never been Mum and Dad to him- if that makes sense?! DP and I are just wanting him to settle in with us and be happy and secure. He's a great kid and although it will be hard at first, I think I'll adjust to family life ok. Am very lucky to have lots of support from my parents and DP's parents as well. DP and I are also going to ensure we still have enough couple time and independance time as well as we both believe a strong happy couple makes for a strong happy family. I'll add you to my address's so I know who to msg should it all get a little crazy though! ------------- http://lilypie.com" rel="nofollow">
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Posted By: liz01
Date Posted: 08 January 2008 at 9:10pm
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Hi Emmecat
Not sure if this is relevant or not but I am involved in open adoption as a birthmother and there is information on adoption on Adoption Option Trust www.adoptionoption.thrive.net.nz and there is OPAN open adoption network run out of auckland - do a google search on them. They should be able to provide info. I believe the biggest thing is time and trust. Let them trust you and know that you are there for the long haul. |
Posted By: Emmecat
Date Posted: 12 January 2008 at 4:53pm
Hi Trouble- thanks for that info, I'll have a look! You're right about time and trust...found out today that's obviously going to apply to my MIL as well...she seems quite wary of my 'motives' in doing all of this!  I thought we'd have a bit of a rough time with our wee boy but didn't expect her to stick her oar in as well. Am a bit gutted really.  My only 'motive' is that he finds a good home and I thought we could give him one. She seems to think I'm going to regret it as I left a well paid job to do this, plus the last 'mother' let him go and of course that means I'm gonna do the same!? I feel like giving up on the whole idea (but I won't!). I know it's her problem, just a pity she is making it mine. ------------- http://lilypie.com" rel="nofollow">
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