wanna-be ’old’ mum under pressure!
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Category: Planning Pregnancy (trying for baby)
Forum Name: Planning Pregnancy (trying for baby)
Forum Description: Trying to get pregnant? Going through fertility treatment? Just planning your first or second child? There are many people out there in the same boat to help and listen and share with
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Topic: wanna-be ’old’ mum under pressure!
Posted By: bubbles
Subject: wanna-be ’old’ mum under pressure!
Date Posted: 13 January 2008 at 12:51pm
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Replies:
Posted By: amcham
Date Posted: 13 January 2008 at 1:19pm
| If it were me I would try for the baby. I guess tho it would depend on the chances of you happily staying together and of how amicable your separation could be. If its a matter of growing apart then there's no reason why the baby wouldn't be loved the same amount anyway |
Posted By: bubbles
Date Posted: 13 January 2008 at 1:36pm
| Thank you amcham. Its good to get some feedback, these intense kinds of issues can snowball and become massive. Its also possible that I think things through too much. Its just that its hard to know how I would feel about it all at the age of 50 when im well and truely out of the baby loop. But you are right; the baby (I have a strong feeling I would have twins!) would be loved very much by my husband and I anyway. |
Posted By: caliandjack
Date Posted: 13 January 2008 at 1:44pm
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Bubbles I feel like that and I'm 34 coming up to 35 this year and feel like its make or break time, I am ready to have children and am about to be married and like you I waited until I was in a stable relationship I didn't meet DF until I was 27 so no chance of having children any earlier.
My best advise is to discuss having children with your husband and what impact this would have on your relationship. Both DF and I have decided that we don't want to get to 40 and not have kids, its just a matter of where in between then we start. ------------- http://lilypie.com" rel="nofollow">   [/url] Angel June 2012 |
Posted By: bubbles
Date Posted: 13 January 2008 at 2:00pm
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Posted By: ItchyFeet
Date Posted: 13 January 2008 at 2:12pm
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It might sound a bit silly, but some of the best advice I could find was Dr Phils. He has a couple of questionnaires on his website that you could look at because they make you think about things maybe differently.
http://www.drphil.com/articles/article/27 http://www.drphil.com/articles/article/96 Actually I should just copy them here. Should You Have A Baby? It's one of the biggest decisions we make in our lives. And sometimes, spouses don't see eye to eye on the matter. Ideally, you should talk to your partner about having children before marriage. If you're already in a committed lifelong relationship and debating whether or not to become parents, Dr. Phil offers the following discussion points. # Consider the statistics: The reality of 3 a.m. feedings, changing 10,000 diapers and the fact that a baby born in 2002 will cost $250,000 by age 18! Are you ready to sign up for this? # A child should be wanted, not needed. Don't give a child a job before they're even here — the job of saving your marriage, of making your spouse settle down, of living out your unfulfilled dreams, etc. # Remember that everyone loves puppies, but they do become dogs! Likewise, adorable babies do become teenagers. Make sure that you're not fixated on the infancy stage of a child's life and are in it for the long haul. # Keep in mind that if you're happy with your home life as it is, a new addition may disrupt the balance. You have a responsibility to keep the family healthy and intact for the kids you already have, and not strain it by having another if it will threaten your marriage or family. # In order to have a baby, it takes a yes from two people. But it only takes a no from one person to stop it. Both of you need to be comfortable with having a child. Don't force your partner into parenthood. It could lead to resentment, threaten your relationship and be bad for the child. # If one of you wants to have a baby and the other one is concerned about the financial demands, ask yourselves if you are willing to downgrade your lifestyle in order to afford a child. If so, negotiate a budget that makes both of you comfortable. # If you're in disagreement, ask yourself whether the problem is not that you're not getting an answer, but that you're not getting the answer you want. Could you not be hearing your partner's differing opinion? Or could you not be hearing that your partner is not committed to you? # Don't feel guilty if the desire to have a baby isn't there. A lot of women think there's something wrong with them if they don't want to have a family. There isn't. # This is a big commitment. If the decision to have a child is a close call, don't do it. No matter how much you estimate what the sacrifices and demands will be, you're not even close. # Life is about choices. You choose your behavior, and therefore you choose your consequences. Don't choose the behavior if you can't deal with the consequences. Babies are a lot easier to make than they are to raise. Questions Your Unborn Child Might Ask Wondering if you're ready to have a baby? There are many questions that couples need to ask themselves before becoming parents. Ever wonder what your unborn child might want to ask? Dr. Phil provides some questions from the unborn child's point of view. # What is your motive? Why do you want to have me? # Look at your answers. Are they all about satisfying your needs? Or do they take my needs into account? # Why would I want to be in your family? # Do you want to have me just so that you can give me a job — to save your marriage, make your spouse settle down, or have someone who will love you, etc.? Do you think it's fair to give me a job before I'm even born? # Does my other parent want me as much as you do? Or am I going to strain the family in a way that will make you regret having me? Will you resent your spouse for having me? # What are your qualifications? Are you mentally, emotionally, physically and spiritually stable enough to have me? # Is the family already struggling to provide the emotional and financial needs of the children who are already here? Would I diminish the quality of life for them? |
Posted By: caliandjack
Date Posted: 13 January 2008 at 2:14pm
I've been a bit like that with my DF as he keeps saying he's not yet ready, now I'm coming up to 35 I feel we don't have the time to wait for him, as long as he's ready when its born thats all that counts  .
Also I don't want to have to go down the fertility route cause I've left it too late, when I know I don't have any fertility issues at all.  ------------- http://lilypie.com" rel="nofollow"> [/url] Angel June 2012 |
Posted By: bubbles
Date Posted: 13 January 2008 at 3:15pm
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Posted By: ElfsMum
Date Posted: 13 January 2008 at 4:46pm
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wow this is an interesting topic..when my DH and i were having trouble...we got pregnant..and the pregnancy made it a lot worse..but then we had councelling (not that I'm saying that works for everyone ) and althuogh we lost the baby things have been alot better this time..so i guess I'd say I probably wouldnt but only because I know how much harder and more stressed it made our relationship..but at 40 I may think differently I imagine...good luck with your decision.. ------------- Mum to two amazing boys! |
Posted By: caliandjack
Date Posted: 13 January 2008 at 6:17pm
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LOL Bubbles no body has enough.
All that matters is that you are having enough for the both of you. I have wondered how we will get on TTC when we sometimes go weeks even months without any BDing. Sorry TMI. ------------- http://lilypie.com" rel="nofollow"> [/url] Angel June 2012 |
Posted By: yummymummy
Date Posted: 13 January 2008 at 6:19pm
I wouldn't say just not having sex spells trouble - sometimes there are other things going on. I had bleeding when pregnant with Gina so sex was out of the questions as my GP ordered. Then I totally lost the urge once I was b'feeding. But we are OK - we got back into it and made bubs #2.
I think having a child is a big big decision but if you both feel like you want one then why not? Would you regret not having one later? No grandchildren? Ask yourself and him some of those questions and then decide. Good luck. ------------- http://lilypie.com">  http://lilypie.com">
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bubbles wrote:Posted By: caliandjack
Date Posted: 13 January 2008 at 6:23pm
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Itchyfeet I was able to answer all those questions and yes fully ready and willing to become a mum and I'm not at all deluded as to what it entails.
Thanks to places like OhBaby!! ------------- http://lilypie.com" rel="nofollow"> [/url] Angel June 2012 |
Posted By: linda
Date Posted: 13 January 2008 at 8:04pm
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When I was in my early 30's I was determined to have a baby whether or not I was in a relationship. I worked hard to get myself established. Then met DH and we had our first child at 36 and second at 38. I am now 40 and trying for #3 (fertility drugs sounds good because its taking some time!!).
I try to think what I would do in your shoes and I guess I would go for it because it sounds to me that the baby is wanted...whether there was one or two parents to raise it. Children have always been very important to me and I could not imagine my life without my own children. Sometimes I never thought I'd met a guy and I was ok with that.....I was not ok with not having Children. |
Posted By: kezplanet
Date Posted: 13 January 2008 at 11:23pm
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linda - that sounds pretty much like my life lol. I met Karl when I was 29, but before then I had made 2 decisions 1: If I was in a committed relationship I wanted to be married before I had children. 2: Although it sounds conflicting - If I had got to the age of 35 and not in a relationship I was moving back to nz to have a baby, back here as that is where my family is. I had had the oppertunity to have a baby before then but it wasn't the right time & I was in absolutly no situation to bring a child into the world - I was barely scraping thru life at the time without putting another life in the same circumstances. After I had been seeing karl for approx 18mths I gave him a choice, told him there was 3 things I wanted and if he wasnt happy to provide anyone of those things he had 3 or 4 months to move out. They were I wanted to move back to nz, I wanted to get married & wanted to have children. After 7mths he was still there so I asked him to marry me & we went from there - if I had waited for him we would still be seeing each other. As for the sex thing - I sometimes struggle to remember what it is lol - yes we have our moments but we seem to just fit together as a couple whether there is sex or not. My 2 girls were very well planned eg I had to plan the right day of the month to BD otherwise it was another month gone haha. Between conceiving our 1st & our 2nd we had sex a total of 3 times in 19 mths If you can see yourself with children - with or without a husband and giving your life to supporting, teaching and loving your child/ren then I would say go for it If you are waiting for the right/perfect time it will never happen as there will always be something to make you question your decision as that is part of life - if everything was mapped out for us without any challenges then what would we be working towards? It would just be an existance not a life. In my opinion I think the final decision is yours (i know it takes 2 to make a child), you have to want this for you & your child at the risk of dh changing his mind at anytime cause it is far eaiser for a man to break ties than for a mum to walk away from their child by choice Good luck with your decision ------------- Kerryn, Mum to Ashlyn(29/3/04), Anastasia(1/11/05) & Abigail (24/02/09) |
& 1 of them was after we had been in seperate countries for 3wks & it hasnt been much different up till we started trying for #3 but the sex - or lack of- isnt an issue in our relationship. Sorry got a bit off track there but I hope that made sense
Posted By: Jennz
Date Posted: 14 January 2008 at 2:03am
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I guess maybe you could think worst case scenario- if you are lucky enough to fall pregnant and your marriage doesn't work, how would you feel/cope with that? My parents split when I was a few months old and I had a happy well rounded childhood and have a good relationship with both my parents. Is your husband keen to try for a baby or does he have the same doubts as you?
I think you are far more likely to regret not having a child than regret having one. Good luck with your decision  ------------- Jen, Charlotte 7 & Kate 3 
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Posted By: bubbles
Date Posted: 14 January 2008 at 9:00am
| Thank you everyone. Thank you jenz, yummymummy, kezplanet, and linda, for your personal stories. This is so very touching to (finaly) get some useful outside advice. Jenz said "I think you are far more likely to regret not having a child than regret having one" and thats the truth. |
Posted By: Shezamumof3
Date Posted: 15 January 2008 at 12:45pm
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My Aunty was well into her 40's when she decided to have a baby with her new husband. Megan is now a healthy 10 year old ------------- |
Posted By: ElfsMum
Date Posted: 15 January 2008 at 12:51pm
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lol seems I'm the only one who thinks differently:) the joys of being on an open forum.. i totally understand about not having had any baibes by 40 but it just worries me that you are in a rickety relationship as you put it.. but i guess if you are both sure you would be great parents anyway I don't suppose it matters.. I guess I've just seen the impact pregnancy has on an unstable relationship...
but best of luck to you if you decide to go ahead I hope you get pregnant very quickly and it goes very well for you:) ------------- Mum to two amazing boys! |
Posted By: The_Stuarts
Date Posted: 15 January 2008 at 1:40pm
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Hey Bubbles. There is no greater joy than the joy of having a baby. If you want one, to have and hold and love unconditionally forever and you're in good health and willing to give your baby your time and energy - nothing else should matter.
I understand that having a rickety relationship is not the best and having a baby could break it. If you're willing to take that risk then go for it anyway. My sister and two of my best friends are single mums and their children are good, well rounded kids. I wouldn't recommend it, it's tough, but as long as you have a great support network you can still raise a wonderful child. There have been single mums and dads for many reasons as long as humans have been procreating. My mother in law was entering her 40s when she had my husband (the last of 8) and his dad died 3 years later so she ended up being a solo mum. It was tough but she did a great job and my hubby is wonderful - full credit to mum in law for that. Tough decision and one I wouldn't want to make - good luck. ------------- http://lilypie.com">   http://lilypie.com">
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Posted By: ElfsMum
Date Posted: 15 January 2008 at 2:34pm
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I'm not implying in any way at all that single mums and dads are any better or worse at bringing up babies.. i didnt mean to imply that..its just she states she wanted children in a happy and stable relationship.. ------------- Mum to two amazing boys! |
Posted By: AnnC
Date Posted: 15 January 2008 at 6:24pm
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wow and hello...
I am 35 and had rhyley at 34.. so fleury you have plenty of time - that said my dh wants more kids and me well,..... very undecided. We have 3 ..14,9 and 1 year. Dh is 5 years younger than me so his 'clock' isn't ticking so qukickly as mine so to speak. Most thing that is worrying me is that I will be around 37 when i have babie #4 (and I never imagined I would have one in my 30's let alone late 30's) and plans we have for the future (possibly moving to oz) wouldn't happen cause it would be alot harder and i wouldn' t be up for it if we had more kids. If you and your husband are keen to have kids then i say go for it. Every relationship has its problems. and not that i am saying who care if you become single but really who does care I have been there and its not like you were a silly teenager like me (just a teenager at that)ETA: had to correct this 'just' as in I was 19 not 13 as it may of sounded LOL. ------------- Ann 
Also Mum to Josh (15) and Brooke (10) |
Posted By: cuppatea
Date Posted: 15 January 2008 at 6:40pm
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I don't think it is fair to bring a child into a relationship that you know is rickety. Yes some relationships fall apart when a child arrives but knowing the relationship is not solid and still going head seems reckless to me and its not thinking of what is right for the unborn child.
Perhaps you should have couples counselling so that you can assess where you relationship is before you continue, things may not be as bad as you think, sometimes we blow little things totally out of proportion especially when thinking about taking a life altering step. Good luck for whatever you decide to do ------------- 
 
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Posted By: mylilmosaic
Date Posted: 15 January 2008 at 6:46pm
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hi bubbles - I am 38 and ttcing with my hubby to be (get married next month), I have a 12yr old that I brought up solo and I have to say he is a well rounded normal boy but couldn't have done it so well without the fabulous support of my parents, they were always there for me and to help in his upbringing etc. so I say go for it as I think raising children is the most rewarding job we can do.
I am not really apprehensive about having another at 38, cause I have always felt you are only as old as you feel and its a state of mind IYKWIM  And especially this time I will be in a stable loving relationship, so the load is shared.
The only thing I worry about now is not getting pregnant, but I am trying to stay positive about that and believe that it will happen soon. So good luck and I hope you join us at o'baby in the ttc journey 
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Posted By: bubbles
Date Posted: 17 January 2008 at 6:01pm
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This has all been very supportive, thanks very much everyone.
I tend to worry about all possible outcomes, good and bad. I know I do this much more than is good for me. I take having children very seriously, I want to make room for it in my life and be ready for the huge commitment and permanent responsibility that it is. But the irony is that I can never be fully 'ready' until I actually have a child! Theres so many things/issues that could try to put me off having kid/s (dodgy relationship being a big one), and then so many things that are totaly wonderful about it... Ultimately it has to be the decision of both my partner/husband and myself. I think I have been taking the 'having a baby decision' burden on myself a bit too much, and not letting my husband know about the full extent of my concerns. Someone on here said it is ultimately the woman's choice, but I dont really agree, if you want your partner to be involved with and to love the child, then it must be his choice too - otherwise he is just a sperm donor and not a father. xo |
Posted By: caliandjack
Date Posted: 17 January 2008 at 10:18pm
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I can relate to that bubbles if you think to much on the practicalities of having children I don't think anyone would have them.
I know I'm as ready as I'm ever going to be and thankful that I got all the silliness of my 20's over with. I would talk to your husband I think sometimes we assume we know what they want. Good luck with your baby journey. ------------- http://lilypie.com" rel="nofollow"> [/url] Angel June 2012 |
Posted By: bubbles
Date Posted: 18 January 2008 at 8:49am
| Thanks Fleury, all the best for your wedding. |
Posted By: Rashika
Date Posted: 20 January 2008 at 5:53pm
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Hi bubbles, I have been exactly where you are now.. well almost anyway.
My exhubby and I basically got married, after being together for 2 years, so that we would have children. He already had a child from a previous relationship and said he wanted to have more and that was fine by me. But unfortunately words and actions can be quite different and after 5 years of marriage we split when he eventually told me he didn't want anymore children. I was 37 and thought that that would be it for me... no kids, I was too old, and as I didn't want to try the hard road of being by myself with a child and really think having 2 parents is important, that was it... or so I thought. Luckily in the space of several months after separating I meet a fantastic bloke and after 2 great years we have decided to try. Unfortunately we have just lost our baby, after 14 weeks pregnancy, and i am 40 in 3 weeks time but we are both not giving up... we will try again. I guess what I'm trying to say is, life is for living... you seem to have thought about all the good and bad. You know the your partnership may or may not last (hey lets face it there are a whole lotta couples out there like that, nothing is set in stone, even good couples often fail!), but you may also find that this could be the making of it. At 40 you dont have a whole lot of time left to try and even the trying may take a long while, and even getting pregnant is often only half the battle, making it thru is the other half, and that can get harder with age. The advantage of being 40 is that life has probably taught you that there is a whole lotta stuff to learn about having a child , it takes huge work and will be tough. BUT you have an advantage over some younger mums... life experience, just being aware of what it can entail (yes it is mind boggling!) will prepare you for what will happen. Discuss it with your partner again... if he really does want children, then he needs to seriously think and make a decision soon. Dont bottle it up and worry yourself to death, I did that for a long time and the best you can do is at least get it out in the open. Children should be something you should both want and are something to be celebrated and enjoyed. If you do both want them, then you can work out the other issues... most things can be solved with some clear talking and a bit of negotiation, just by yourselves or get in a person to help. Good luck and i wish you all the best in however you decide... I'll be thinking of you!
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Posted By: bubbles
Date Posted: 21 January 2008 at 6:42pm
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Posted By: Rashika
Date Posted: 21 January 2008 at 7:40pm
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Hey Bubbles... You'll get it figured. Tis hard when you are going thru a heap of changes, but keep talking to each other cos that is half the battle.
Distraction is a very easy way to forget what is important... or at least put off a decision till we think we are settled enough, for some of us that time never comes. But i reckon you'll get there
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Posted By: bubbles
Date Posted: 21 January 2008 at 8:32pm
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Thanks again R, and I really hope you cope well re losing your baby. That must be horrible. But you sound like a strong woman... Get back on that horse! I mean 'husband'!!
xo |