Dreading today.
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Topic: Dreading today.
Posted By: .Mel
Subject: Dreading today.
Date Posted: 24 March 2008 at 2:18pm
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They were supposed to have landed 7 minutes ago. Their plane has been delayed. Who you ask? They are DH’s aunt and uncle from Newcastle in the UK. She is his father’s sister. I don’t want to meet these people. I don’t want them near me or my kids. Why? They don’t acknowledge me. They don’t acknowledge Conor. They do however acknowledge Craig, Nyah and Cooper; quite simply because well they are DH’s kids. The fact that I’m DH’s wife doesn’t seem to mean much. The fact that I had a son before I met Craig doesn’t seem to mean a lot either, that DH is Conor’s stepfather doesn’t matter either. DH and I have been together for 9 years, married for 4 in May. They have known about us for that entire time. At Christmas time they buy Nyah beautiful presents. DH’s parents give Nyah those presents. They “hide” them in with their own ones so I don’t know that she’s received a present and Conor hasn’t. This has been happening since Nyah was born. Each year it upsets me more, each year I tell DH how it upsets me. He does NOTHING. I have the most amazing headache, because I am stressing about this afternoon. We have been told that we are expected to go DH’s parent’s house for a bbq. So I am meant to sit in their house with these people who I’ve never met, yet despise more than anything. I’ve been sitting here trying to work out how I can prepare Conor for this. The comment has been made that they will be bringing clothes and gifts over from the UK, and I know that there will be nothing for Conor. On Saturday I tried to talk to DH about it, tried to explain to him how I was feeling about today, he just said that it would be ok. But it won’t, I’ve already decided that. If DH doesn’t say anything or stand up for my son, I’ll be so hurt and angry, and I don’t think that I’ll ever be able to forgive him. Mum offered for Conor to go their house, so he wouldn’t be put into an uncomfortable situation, because he can’t handle those very well. He needs to feel safe. What will that achieve though? My parents are really worried about today too; they know Conor better than any body. I need some advice, how do I “deal” with these people? What do I do if they are horrible or indifferent to Conor? What do I do if they are the same to me? What do I do? I have to expect the worst, it’s in my nature, and it’s the way I handle things. I’m normally quite a strong person, I’ve had to be; Conor and I are have been to hell and back in the past. Today I feel weak and miserable and scared for my baby. Remember too, that DH’s parents are just as bad as these people. They are very indifferent to Conor; they don’t treat him like one of the family. I get along with them because I have to. Example: For Easter Nyah got two Pumpkin Patch T-shirts and allsorts of chocolate. Cooper got PP jeans and a polo shirt. Conor got a t-shirt from The Warehouse and one hollow Easter egg. I really feel stuck at the moment. Help! We are supposed to be going over there at 5. ------------- Mr Mellow (16) Miss Attitude (8) Destructa Kid (3) 
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Replies:
Posted By: AliaDawn
Date Posted: 24 March 2008 at 2:22pm
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If it was me, I'd leave your DH to go on his own and take ALL the kids off and do your own thing. Let him explain to them, he's not going to do it unless he's left in a tight spot! -------------  
 
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Posted By: AliaDawn
Date Posted: 24 March 2008 at 2:27pm
Also (just had a less horrid idea to everyone  ) maybe you could get your DH to suggest that instead of buying cooper and nyah presents, they deposit money into their bank accounts (if you have them) that way no one has to know they're favouring them, and they can still treat their favourites.-------------
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Posted By: Redbedrock
Date Posted: 24 March 2008 at 2:38pm
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OOOh they say you can choose your friends but ya get lumbered with your in-laws don't they? It's something along those lines anyway
Have no suggestions other than those made by Alia as I am rubbish at confrontaion or uncomfortable situations. I would keep my distance taking all the children with me, your son is as much part of the family, and your husband publicly said that to his family at your wedding in his commitment to you. Take a bottle of wine (always the most useful suggestion I can make) grit your teeth and have a pre agreed reason to leave early or a signal to initiate leaving (if I scratch my nose with my left hand it means I am about to explode and we need to leave) Good luck and I really hope it is not as bad as you are expecting ------------- http://www.babysfirstsite.com"> 
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Posted By: my4beauties
Date Posted: 24 March 2008 at 2:39pm
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I think it was nice of your parents to suggest Conor going to their place, but then it's only making the situation more noticeable with Conor, and only Conor, not being there. He will grow up thinking that anything to do with Craig's family, he's not involved in or invited to. And being the oldest, he'll pick up on that. I hate going to inlaw gatherings, and it's not nearly as bad as what you have to put up with.
I probably would bail, and not go or let any of the kids go. If Craig is upset by this, then perhaps he'll realise how much of a big deal it is to you, with how they treat Conor and how that makes you feel. I feel for you Mel, all the best hun! ------------- My babies: R (9),G (7), J (5) http://lilypie.com" rel="nofollow"> 
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Posted By: cuppatea
Date Posted: 24 March 2008 at 2:47pm
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I would go but if they do anything out of line like giving gifts to everyone except Connor then I would take all the kids and leave. If they ask why then just straight out tell them cos it doesn't sound like your DH is going to. ------------- 
 
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Posted By: Maya
Date Posted: 24 March 2008 at 3:15pm
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Grab the kids and come hang out with me, my family have all abandoned me so the gremlins and I are just hanging out.
Failing that, fake a migraine. Or faint. Or both. They sound like poisonous people, I wouldn't want ANY of my kids near them. -------------  Maya Grace (28/02/03)
 (02/01/06)
The Gremlins:Sienna Marie & Mercedes Kailah (14/10/06)
Lil miss:Chiara Louise Chloe (09/07/08)
Her ladyship:Rosalia Sophie Anais (18/06/12)
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Posted By: Bombshell
Date Posted: 24 March 2008 at 3:33pm
I like that - be the bigger person tho and say to them AND his parents!!!! Look all we appreciate the gifts but as there are three children in our family in fiture please send no presents unless you can cater for all of the children.....or the bank account thing. Make sure YOU present DH and you as a united front! and remind them that Conor IS Dhs son in his eyes and while you cant force them to involve him it would be nice if they acknowledgd your family unit as a whole. Btw we kinda have the reverse....stepgrandchild gets spoilt rotten and bought stuff for no reason...we struggle to get stuff from that side (DHs) for their only natural grandchild. Not trying to take away from step one but its not fair in the reverse either... 
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AliaDawn wrote:Posted By: .Mel
Date Posted: 24 March 2008 at 3:40pm
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I've decided that we'll go. I told Conor while DH was in the shower, that if he feels uncomfortable at any stage that he is to tell me and we'll leave straight away.
Sister is on stand by to pick us up if need be. If I have anything to do with it we'll be home by 7! 2hrs including travel time is enough! ------------- Mr Mellow (16) Miss Attitude (8) Destructa Kid (3)
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Posted By: aimeejoy
Date Posted: 24 March 2008 at 3:45pm
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Hugs Mel, hope everything goes ok. ------------- Aimee Hannah 22/10/05 Greer 11/02/08 |
Posted By: Maya
Date Posted: 24 March 2008 at 3:47pm
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If you get too stranded, I have chocolate! No car to come get you, but I have chocolate ------------- Maya Grace (28/02/03)
(02/01/06)
The Gremlins:Sienna Marie & Mercedes Kailah (14/10/06)
Lil miss:Chiara Louise Chloe (09/07/08)
Her ladyship:Rosalia Sophie Anais (18/06/12)
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Posted By: Bizzy
Date Posted: 24 March 2008 at 3:49pm
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sorry didnt read what everyone else replied - but my advice when dealing withsucky relatvies is to get drunk! i do it at my inlaws allll the time... only way to cope without making a scene... best of luck with it... ------------- http://www.myfitnesspal.com/weight-loss-ticker"> 
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Posted By: Bombshell
Date Posted: 24 March 2008 at 3:53pm
| good luck - i hope that maybe the rellies just dont know what a great kid connor is yet.... |
Posted By: lizzle
Date Posted: 24 March 2008 at 4:09pm
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inmy family, it is really mixed. and we would NEVER treat the "extra" kid like that - in fact when my uncle remarried, before we had even met the kids of his new wife, we bought them presents as well as the presents for my cousins.
I would honestly leave if it gets nasty - you have the duty to protect your kids. and that behaviour is just nasty |
Posted By: caliandjack
Date Posted: 24 March 2008 at 4:10pm
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Hope it goes well, we are in a similar situation to your in-laws, my brother has a new partner who is lovely and she has a daughter from a previous relationship, and a lot of it is that we aren't exactly sure how to treat her.
Is she my niece the same as my brothers own children? Do we acknowledge her birthday and give Christmas presents? Maybe you need to be clear with your expectations to DH and have him explain it to his family. Personally I would go with your DH and present a united front, and support him. ------------- http://lilypie.com" rel="nofollow">   [/url] Angel June 2012 |
Posted By: popcorn
Date Posted: 24 March 2008 at 4:20pm
| Good luck Mel! |
Posted By: lilfatty
Date Posted: 24 March 2008 at 4:25pm
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Man inlaws can drive you balmy! I would go ... but then I dont mind confrontation to protect my own ------------- Mummy to Issy (3) and Elias (18 months) I did it .. 41 kgs gone! From flab to fab in under a year  http://www.femininefitness.co.nz/category/blog - LFs weight blog
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Posted By: popcorn
Date Posted: 24 March 2008 at 4:28pm
| maybe seeing you guys in the flesh will help them realise that you are part of the family ??? trying to think positive thoughts! |
Posted By: nikkitheknitter
Date Posted: 24 March 2008 at 4:36pm
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Oh Mel... that sucks in a huge way.
I love Bizzy's suggestion   but other than that, I hope you can let them know that it is hurtful that they ignore poor Conor.
xo |
Posted By: .Mel
Date Posted: 24 March 2008 at 4:48pm
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Yeah I like Bizzy's suggestion too! I have a bottle in the fridge! Might sneak that in my bag.
Thank you for all your kind and helpful words! You are all wonderful! But you knew that
Ohhh does anyone wanna come with me!??? No? Hmm thought as much.
Right I'll BBL to debrief you all! ------------- Mr Mellow (16) Miss Attitude (8) Destructa Kid (3)
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Posted By: myfullhouse
Date Posted: 24 March 2008 at 5:08pm
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You have probably just entered the lion's den so I will just send out positive thoughts to you and hope all is going well. ------------- Lindsey 
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Posted By: Snickerdoodle
Date Posted: 24 March 2008 at 5:30pm
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*fingers crossed* for a positive outcome.
Poor Conor. He deserves a big hug! (as do you!!) ------------- 
http://lilypie.com">  
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Posted By: Bizzy
Date Posted: 24 March 2008 at 5:41pm
ohhh, i would have come with you, you could have got drunk and i could have ... dont know but something tho. ------------- http://www.myfitnesspal.com/weight-loss-ticker">
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Posted By: .Mel
Date Posted: 24 March 2008 at 9:29pm
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I'm home. It was awful. I spent the whole time texting Kellz and Kandice while I was there. They all sat outside and I stayed inside with Conor.
As I thought they brought truck loads of stuff from the UK family. Conor once again got another T-shirt, the other two got well alot. I was informed as I was walking out the door that we were expected to go there again on Friday WTF? Anyway glad it's over. Right off to lurk and try to relax. ------------- Mr Mellow (16) Miss Attitude (8) Destructa Kid (3)
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Posted By: Maya
Date Posted: 24 March 2008 at 9:30pm
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LMAO I just texted you to see how you were going, we were all wondering in the other thread! ------------- Maya Grace (28/02/03)
(02/01/06)
The Gremlins:Sienna Marie & Mercedes Kailah (14/10/06)
Lil miss:Chiara Louise Chloe (09/07/08)
Her ladyship:Rosalia Sophie Anais (18/06/12)
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Posted By: popcorn
Date Posted: 24 March 2008 at 9:33pm
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oh Poor Conor
and he is old enough to know too which sucks |
Posted By: Kels
Date Posted: 24 March 2008 at 9:34pm
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Ah hun so sorry to hear it was awful. Explain to DH Connor comes first and all your kids should be treated and respected the same and if him or his family cant do that then you will never be going back again. Sounds like he needs to step up and stand up for you and Connor.
------------- http://lilypie.com"> 
Busy mum to Miss 15yrs, Miss 10yrs and Master 4yrs |
Posted By: nikkitheknitter
Date Posted: 24 March 2008 at 9:36pm
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Just another thought... and I know it might be completely off base - but are they more into buying stuff for little people?
I know I'd struggle to guess my little bro's size and what he actually likes... it's MUCH easier to guess what Hannah would like! (anything pink )
Maybe you should be really obvious and say "I thought you might not have known Conor's size due to the fact that the other kiddos were showered with gifts, so for future reference he's size..." Sounds slightly ungrateful... but gets the point across
Give your little man a big hug from all of us. We think he's fab
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Posted By: Kels
Date Posted: 24 March 2008 at 9:36pm
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Bugger I dont live up there I would give them all a what for! I just cant stand adults hurting children, its not physical but defintely emotional abuse whether intentional or not. ------------- http://lilypie.com">
Busy mum to Miss 15yrs, Miss 10yrs and Master 4yrs |
Posted By: MyBelly
Date Posted: 24 March 2008 at 10:05pm
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hey Mel,
my DH has a child from a previous relationship (however we were together just before she was born) and my family didnt really know how to treat her, they didnt know whether to treat her as a niece/granddaughter or just a little girl type relationship, and i made sure she was included in everything, every family gathering etc, so my family realised pretty quick she was as much a part of my family as my DH and i. be careful not to alienate yourself and conor around your DH's family, i.e u said you and conor stayed inside, while the rest were outside, sit outside with them, make them realise you and conor come as a package with your DH really put it in their face that you arent going anywhere, they will realise eventually, in the meantime, try and explain it to conor as best you can, id imagine he needs a whole lot of reassurance right about now! anyway sorry for the long post and good luck hun!! |
Posted By: my4beauties
Date Posted: 24 March 2008 at 10:07pm
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Aww Mel, sounds like it went just as you thought it would. What did Conor think of his t.shirt?? Does Craig not see that they don't fully include him? It'll be pretty obvious when the 2 littlies get loads, and all Conor gets is that.
Great, so I guess for the next 4 days you're going to be dreading Friday! ------------- My babies: R (9),G (7), J (5) http://lilypie.com" rel="nofollow">
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Posted By: caraMel
Date Posted: 24 March 2008 at 10:12pm
Man, that is so rude! I really feel for you having to deal with that kind of blatant favouritism. You must really hurt for Conor 
Its such a tough situation for you too, politics with IL's are always difficult but this is much harder... Huge ((hugs)) chick, hope you're feeling a bit better now. ------------- Mel, Mummy to E: 6, B: 4 and: 
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Posted By: BabyKiwi
Date Posted: 24 March 2008 at 10:12pm
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Thats no good! Big huggs to you all!
As I said in the other thread, I wouldn't go on Friday and keep the other kids away from them, believe me you don't want the negativity! I know from experience what families can be like! |
Posted By: .Mel
Date Posted: 24 March 2008 at 10:38pm
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Not going to go on Friday. Dinner is too late for the kids. That will be my excuse.
I just want to make it clear that it isn't about getting the presents it's about the blatant disregard for Conor that I struggle with. Some of you know about what Conor and I have been thru before we met DH and I have to be very careful with him, he's a very emotional boy... ------------- Mr Mellow (16) Miss Attitude (8) Destructa Kid (3)
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Posted By: BabyKiwi
Date Posted: 24 March 2008 at 10:46pm
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I think it's so bloody rude to disregard a member of the family, doesn't matter if they are step-kids or not!
It sounds as if they are using the presents to rub it in! It really bugs the hell out of me whats happening to you! GGGGGGggggrrrrrr |
Posted By: .Mel
Date Posted: 24 March 2008 at 10:50pm
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OMG BK that's exactly it! ------------- Mr Mellow (16) Miss Attitude (8) Destructa Kid (3)
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Posted By: BabyKiwi
Date Posted: 24 March 2008 at 10:53pm
Anyone got a punchbag!?
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Posted By: AnnC
Date Posted: 24 March 2008 at 11:24pm
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Mel how unfair of his family to do that. Conor and you were someone your DH chose to have as his family - unfortunatley his other relatives he was born into and so had no choice. It would be hard for him to stand up about it but then I think it has to come from him what they are doing is not right at the same time. I think (and only my opinion) is that he has to grow some balls to say something as its very important to you. Thats not saying hes not a strong man nor a wimp but sometimes with males in particular they don;t like confrontation with family (parents) and so rather not say anything.... its not right!
Big hugs coming from a blended family myself (josh and Brooke not dh bio but much HIS kids) and having an 'emotional' to say the least past pre DH I can understand how important it is to you. ------------- Ann 
Also Mum to Josh (15) and Brooke (10) |
Posted By: nictoddie
Date Posted: 25 March 2008 at 7:50am
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wow I think that is all pretty disgusting and very immature! I have a step daughter who will be 16 this year, my family knew about her from day one and have always treated her as family , always has been given presents for birthdays and christmas etc. Now that she is a teenager we don't see her much as she lives in a def town and we have sort of grown apart which is sad as we would see her every weekend if she wanted to but she has a social life now lol! I think if you are able to you should address this issue as it is affecting both you and conner at 12 he must be able to see the diff, and your dh really should step up and stand by you........ good luck and stick to your guns ------------- 
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Posted By: peanut butter
Date Posted: 25 March 2008 at 7:58am
| Oh Mel! That is just terrible! Even if they are being immature and picky over blood hasnt it occured to them that Conor is blood related to the other two??? |
Posted By: BellaBoo
Date Posted: 25 March 2008 at 10:47am
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Thats terrible. You would think adults would know better. I really think that your DH needs to step up and make a stand for you and Conor. ------------- http://lilypie.com">   http://lilypie.com">
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Posted By: BabyKiwi
Date Posted: 25 March 2008 at 1:40pm
How true NZPiper!! |
Posted By: kebakat
Date Posted: 25 March 2008 at 2:09pm
I totally agree. If it was me I'd be having the most stern talk with my DH telling him this is how I feel, this is how Conor feels. You sort your f'ing family out or we (being you and the kids) won't be attending any further functions. |
Posted By: Bombshell
Date Posted: 25 March 2008 at 2:14pm
LOL i did that to my DH too - totally diff scenario...and it hit home...I refused to go...and he would have been left explaining why i wasnt there - or making up an excuse ....put it back on him...its his family! |
Posted By: my2angels
Date Posted: 25 March 2008 at 10:07pm
| I wouldnt be going anywhere either. No way would I want to put my child in a situation where he would be treated unequal and inferior. thats just rude and the adults need to grow up and you DH needs to stand up to his family. |