Best friend problems
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Category: General Chat
Forum Name: General Chat
Forum Description: For mums, dads, parents-to-be, grandparents, friends -- you name it! And you name the topic you want to chat about!
URL: https://www.ohbaby.co.nz/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=15913
Printed Date: 02 April 2026 at 8:34pm
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Topic: Best friend problems
Posted By: Kellz
Subject: Best friend problems
Date Posted: 02 April 2008 at 9:21am
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My bf and I have been bf 9 years. But we have not lived in the same town for 5 years now, 2 years on this we were in diff countries.
We have become futher and further apart. Having less and less in common I guess. We havent been there for each other at all really over the last year when we have both been going through major stressful times in our lives. She prefers to communicate via email, I am slack and cant stand emailing would rather phone. I have brought this up before, and have offered to pay for weekly toll calls etc, but when i kept txting her to see when I could ph, she wasnt keen really (plus a busy mum of 2), so it didnt happen. So I guess I dont know if we should call it quits, or what. Has this happened to you? Advise needed! |
Replies:
Posted By: arohanui
Date Posted: 02 April 2008 at 9:39am
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Hmm sometimes I think that we have friends for 'seasons' - it doesn't mean we need to fall out or think badly of eachother, but for one reason or another (like being in a different country) we just drift apart. I have a friend like that, we used to be really really close and I don't really know what happened but we kinda aren't so anymore. We keep in contact occasionally and we went down for her wedding at Easter. It's not the same (but maybe that's cos we were so hardout close) but it's not awful either.... we're not in touch all the time but I still consider her one of my good friends.
And then I have some close friends who I actually live in the same town as, and it seems to go ages between when we find the time to catch up (either via phone or in person). Which is quite slack really. But when we do catch up, it's like we only just saw each other last week or something. And one in particular I'd consider my closest friend... we don't find it weird at the lack of regular contact cos it's just normal. And when we do see each other, it's not weird or anything. Anyway that was a bit of a ramble but what I meant to say was.... I strongly believe that we have friends in our lives for 'seasons' - at different stages in our lives, we need different things. Maybe at the moment you both just need different things. That doesn't mean things are bad with your friend, just means they might have changed. If it was me I'd still try to catch up every so often (maybe some emails and some phonecalls) but not get too stressed if it doesn't happen every week. You may find your relationship remains the same even if you don't catch up regularly, cos some friendships are just like that. ------------- Mama to DS1 (5 years), DS2 (3 years) and... http://alterna-tickers.com" rel="nofollow"> 
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Posted By: MissAngel
Date Posted: 02 April 2008 at 9:48am
| My BF and I were like that - we've been BF's for 25 years now, and went thru a stage where I didnt speak to her for nearly 8 months. Now that I'm pregnant she's become a valuable source of information to me (she had my godson when she was 16 and he's nearly 13 now) Now we talk at least once a week (im in chch, she's in auck) and is gonna be a bridesmaid at my wedding too. Its nice now we really have something in common again! |
Posted By: Kellz
Date Posted: 02 April 2008 at 9:49am
| Yeah I guess I dont know whether I should just accept we have moved on, or make an effort to improve it. We havent had a falling out or anything, and maybe it would be diff if we both made more effort. |
Posted By: minik8e
Date Posted: 02 April 2008 at 10:21am
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I agree with arohanui - I have (had) a bf and we were really really close, we worked together, played together and talked daily, up until I got engaged to my ex. Then she kind of felt free to tell me I was making a huge mistake (I was, but didn't know it at that time) and I was rushing into things and I was stupid for wanting to be married and have children so young. I've always been there for her, she has had to go through chemo a couple of times and was always there for support. Now, she feels free to tell me that by wanting to have children I'm wasting my life, there is plenty of time for it later and I'm an idiot for even wanting it. She also told me I was silly for buying a house with DP. I called it quits, we still email/catch up every now and then, but I've come to realise that we are different people, at different stages of life (she wants to party, meet boys, drink a lot and settling down is the last thing on her mind, as buying a house is a waste of money - I am happy where I am, having just bought our first house with DP, planning to have children in the future, meeting up with friends just cos, rather than to get blotto) and I don't need a person like that in my life. Plus I'm sick of making the effort. Friendship should be 2 sided.
Sorry for the novel, it feels kind of good to say it out loud really. But yeah, I wholly agree with arohanui - sometimes friends are just there for a season and there's nothing wrong with that. |
Posted By: Kellz
Date Posted: 02 April 2008 at 10:26am
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She hasnt done anything wrong tho, if she had it would be easier!
When we do see each other its awkward. If we see each other alone its fine, but cos we live like 6 hrs away, when we do see each other its ually with our partners etc too, and they dont have a thing in common and dont even talk, so it makes the whole meet up uncomfortable. Minik8e, sound like u are better off without her! |
Posted By: aimeejoy
Date Posted: 02 April 2008 at 10:32am
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I'd just let it slide personally. If you arent both making an effort, and its awkward when you meet up, I would just step back and send the odd email/call just to stay in touch. ------------- Aimee Hannah 22/10/05 Greer 11/02/08 |
Posted By: Kellz
Date Posted: 02 April 2008 at 10:43am
| yeah thats what we have been doing ASimee, just the very occasional email. But she emailed yesterday and wants to know if I want to end it or what? |
Posted By: .Mel
Date Posted: 02 April 2008 at 12:23pm
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She actually asked you if you wanted to end the friendship? OMG I've never thought about emailing someone to say that the friendship is working, so we should end it???
Anyway; It could be that you've just outgrown each other, you've both got children, and your focus has moved from each other to your children. I'd personally just let it go slowly. Unless of course you want to keep the friendship going? If you do, then fight for it. Is she up here? If she make arrangements to see her when you come up. See what it's like then. ------------- Mr Mellow (16) Miss Attitude (8) Destructa Kid (3) 
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Posted By: nictoddie
Date Posted: 02 April 2008 at 12:53pm
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eeeeek that is a bit rash emailing asking if ya want to end it, I have a really good friend been friends for about 12 years met when we worked with each other at the mount and we call each other a few times a week, usually vica versa at the weekends but sometimes if we want to tell each other something important, if she feels this way then maybe just ignore it and see what happens. ------------- 
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Posted By: Kellz
Date Posted: 02 April 2008 at 1:04pm
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She didnt exactly say "so do u wanna be friends or what?" but I think it bascially comes down to that.
Im good at reading things into stuff when thats not even what the person meant  I just always presume the worst.
Here is part of the email : I've been quite pre-occupied with my own life lately.. trying to keep it on track and work through my own stuff, but I have felt really awful that I haven't been there for you enough. In my defense though, most of the time I had no idea what was going on with you. So.. that's my question.. if you DO want to maintain our friendship, then what is the best way for you? I'd hate you to feel like you've had enough of being friends, and just stay in contact to be polite. |
Posted By: nictoddie
Date Posted: 02 April 2008 at 1:18pm
hmmmm I can see where you could read into that, maybe just do the odd casual email if that is what she prefers and then ring her out of the blue for a chat???? -------------
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Posted By: Andie
Date Posted: 02 April 2008 at 1:52pm
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I read something different into it - looks to me like she's saying 'let's keep in touch' and apologising for not doing so and explaining why that is, but also giving you an out if you want one. Anyway, my 2 cents - that's what I'd have read into it. If it were sent to me, I might have interpreted it differently. But that's 'cause my own insecurities would be at play there. So is there a chance it's been interpreted as something she didn't quite mean?
------------- Andie |
Posted By: Kellz
Date Posted: 02 April 2008 at 1:55pm
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Oh yeah fully, thats why I copied what she had worte, cos I want everyones opinions cos I am prone to reading stuff into things! I always just see the negative side
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Posted By: fattartsrock
Date Posted: 02 April 2008 at 2:20pm
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I think she is just apologising for being slack. There is nothing wrong with "limited" contact, as we have families our priorities change alot and we get caught up in day to day life in our own back yards, and it does get difficult to keep in touch. I wouldn't go "ending" the friendship, I would just catch up every now and then when you have time.
If you think about it, before we get married/hook up with a serious partner and definately before we have kids, our friends WERE our family, if that makes sense? We talked at least daily, texted constantly, fired joke emails back and forward, saw each other often etc. So when we start our own families, our friendships just move and grow (or not) and change, as life does. When your children get bigger and not needing so much hands on face time, you will find that you have more time to rekindle those close friendships you enjoyed pre baby. I have freinds I don't keep in touch with alot, even my besties, but we are all busy with newish babies and toddlers/pre schoolers, and all have more than one child, so we all "know how it is" if you get my drift. when we do catch up, its great, but its no biggie if we don't talk for ages, and only get random texts every now and again. To be honest, I hate talking on the phone for long periods of time now, there are always lots of other things that need doing, and kids to supervise!! Long rambly, sorry, hope you get my drift. I wouldn't cut her loose, but I would cut her some slack. Pluuuuuuus, and PLEASE don't take this the wrong way, but two kids is often waaaay more crazy than one... and is difficult to "plan" catch ups etc while they are still tinies. ------------- The Honest Un PC Parent of 2, usually stuck in the naughty corner! :P |
Posted By: BaAsKa
Date Posted: 04 April 2008 at 1:18pm
I went through this too Kelly. I have only been BFs with my BF for 4 years but we just instantly clicked when we met (through plunket - her daughter is 2 months older than Bailey) and spent every day together (she lived 20 mins down the road in Tauranga) she was even my bridesmaide! then after 2 years she seperated from her partner and moved back to her home town (rotorua), i thought i was going to fall apart without her, then not long after we moved back to our home town (45 mins from rotorua) so the short of it all...We are still good friend although she makes more of an effort to ring me *slaps myself upside the head!* , we talk around once a month and text and make the effort to go and visit and sometimes stay with each other every so often so while we are not BFs anymore - we are still friends...still rather guttered though
Dont let it stress you out too much! just go with the flow and hopefully it will soon settle into a new form of friendship. HUGS! 
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Posted By: Kelpa
Date Posted: 04 April 2008 at 1:21pm
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Kellz wrote:Posted By: Kelpa
Date Posted: 04 April 2008 at 1:23pm
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I SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO sympathise with you on this...I much much prefer the phone as it is easy quick and much more personal...and get more said ....find it frustrating sometimes this technical world as can get quite impersonal....
In saying that obviously sites like this are great but with your "good friends" should be a bit more special Ah??? -------------
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Posted By: MyMinis
Date Posted: 04 April 2008 at 3:49pm
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I have a good friend Ive been friends with since form1 at school so around 14yrs now and we call each otehr all the time/ text and when she had the net messenger.
My friend Ive been friends with since the first day of school only recently just over a yr ago stopped talking to me  but I was the one who had to make the effort for contact, and when I couldnt make it to her wedding due to saving for a baby (was pregs with James) she stopped talking to me.
I guess she just obviously wasn't as good a friend as I had thought. But some friends are like that just come and go I guess, sad as it is. Ya never know things might go back to normal again once your lives both settle down, she could be just busy and find emailing easier?? I knwo I do sometimes ------------- http://lilypie.com"> 
http://lilypie.com"> 
http://tweetytweety85.bebo.com - bebo |
Posted By: Bobbie
Date Posted: 04 April 2008 at 10:13pm
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I'd take that as she does want to be friends but she wants to find a way that works for both of you. You don't like emailing and she doesn't like phoning. I think she's acknowledging that it isn't working and trying to find alternatives.
But it is natural to grow apart from people. My best friend from when I was at school is still a very close friend but I don't click with her like we used to because our lives have gone in different directions. My best friend now is someone who is at the same life stage as me and has the same goals. -------------  
 
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Posted By: Candkids
Date Posted: 04 April 2008 at 10:46pm
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this happened to me too,
my bf and i have been friends since we were 12 we did everything togeather, even when we moved away wed txt or phone every day, then we flatted togeather for years, even when i had sarah she was probably the only 1 of my friends who still treated me as me and came around on a daily basis and still invited me to lunch and out for a girls nite ( which everyone else stopped doing) then something happened, life took over i guess, i bought a house so moved out and i think that was the turning point, we,d txt and email and then wouldnt talk for months in fact i think i only saw her once during my pregnancy and she still hasnt seen jett at all! the emails are few and far between, and when theres a phone call its like we saw eachother yesterday and we talk for hours and hours, i miss her alot, but its like bobby said we just dont click anymore but were still close friends. ------------- http://lilypie.com" rel="nofollow">  DD 10.5yrs DS 6yrs DS 11mths 5 little angles watching from above |
Posted By: Kellz
Date Posted: 07 April 2008 at 11:52am
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So I didnt end up emailing back. I didnt know what I wanted to say or what I felt about it all.
Just checked my emails again, and there is another email from her saying that she is taking it as I dont want to be friends cos I havent replied. Arghhh I dunno what to do or what I want. I know I cant be bothered emailing, but thats to anyone not just her. |
Posted By: arohanui
Date Posted: 07 April 2008 at 11:55am
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Oh dear, doesn't that seem a bit highschool-ish? Or is that just me? ------------- Mama to DS1 (5 years), DS2 (3 years) and... http://alterna-tickers.com" rel="nofollow">
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Posted By: Kellz
Date Posted: 07 April 2008 at 12:00pm
| Yeah! But every relpy I think of writing sounds like that too! Thats why I havent replied. My replies go along the lines of- having an email relationship isnt working for me,..and telling her about the things she has done that have upset me. But I dont want a catfight. |
Posted By: arohanui
Date Posted: 07 April 2008 at 12:05pm
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Yeah I totally wouldn't know what to say either
I would probably actually just send a chatty lil email and then make a comment at the bottom like 'sorry I haven't been in touch as much as I would have liked to, you know how busy things get! I find it hard to sit down a write emails, so I'll give you a call some time so we can catch up properly. Much love'... or something like that. Just kinda ignoring what she'd said lol. Probably isn't the best thing to do but it's what I'd do!! ------------- Mama to DS1 (5 years), DS2 (3 years) and... http://alterna-tickers.com" rel="nofollow">
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Posted By: Kellz
Date Posted: 07 April 2008 at 12:09pm
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Yeah I should have replied.
I sent a tiny email then saying sorry I havent repleid. Im upset and dont know what to say. |