Feel so trapped!
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Topic: Feel so trapped!
Posted By: my4beauties
Subject: Feel so trapped!
Date Posted: 23 April 2008 at 11:12am
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I had a phone call this morning, and it's completely ruined my day, if not my week, if not my life!!
Bit of history: Back in July 2006 my MIL and StepFIL moved from the Mt, to Queenstown. It was the best day of my life. I'd had huge issues with MIL since having Rico (everything was sweet before then), she tried to change his name and generally interferred a lot once he was born and caused huge arguements between DH and I (cos he took her side). Anyway, they wanted us to rent their house out which suited us as our house was situated on a busy main road. They told us they would be gone for at least a year. Thankfully they've stayed away longer. But MIL has been saying how much she wants to move back to be with the kids and how much she misses them. Today SFIL rings (I can this would've been MIL's idea as I get on with him really well). He says he has a proposition for me. He tells me how they are moving back up end of May and that they want renovate our place to accomodate them, so they take one of our bedrooms and the garage and they have a 1 brm unit. This house consists of 4 brms and an office. It's perfect for our family, no kids have to share rooms and our bedroom isn't taken over by an office. The would take the office and turn it into a room (it's a tiny office!) and take our linen cupboard and turn into an office. I DON'T want this to happen. They tell us we'll still have our privacy, but then they can help us with the kids. HELLO!!! I've coped fine without them for the past 20 months! I do not want to live so close to my MIL as I KNOW she will be popping her head in EVERY DAY and the kids will want to be over in their part EVERY DAY. I love my privacy and don't want to live this CLOSE to anyone I know! They think everything will be sweet and have this idea that nothing will change. It WILL CHANGE BIG TIME! I find it sooo frustrating that they have disrupted our life like this and making us make that decision. They have another unit they own, rented out, but say due to interest rates they can't afford to kick the tenants out and move in themselves. I would rather move out of this house and find our OWN place they can't control, then have this happen. Thing is, DH says he doesn't want to move this year as he has too many other things he has planned and things to focus on, and that would disrupt it. I say what the IL's want to do will disrupt our life more. I HATE THIS - I really really do! I feel sick and anxious and if I do put my foot down and say no, what will they do? I hate having this pressure and hate that they've put us in this position. I've told them we'll move out, but they don't want us to do that. I'm saying this is MIL wanting her way of having control over us and the kids! She'll honestly be in our face 24/7, there will never be a break from her presence. Also with all the reno's and taking the garage, we lose that, and our garage has the laundry in it and ALL DH's work gear for the business. WHERE IS ALL THAT GOING TO GO? Spray guns, materials, paint etc? There wiil be our 3 vehicles and their 2 vehicles outside, with no extra parking as it is (we live up the back of a long drive). SERIOUSLY, I do not think this is practical and I will lose my sanity. WHAT DO I DO? I'm freaking out. I want to tell MIL how i feel, but know it won't sit well with her. DH is other things on his mind and doesn't want to talk about it till end of week. ARRRRRRGGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Sooo sooo sorry for this rant!! ------------- My babies: R (9),G (7), J (5) http://lilypie.com" rel="nofollow"> 
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Replies:
Posted By: my4beauties
Date Posted: 23 April 2008 at 11:16am
BLARRDY BLARRDY INLAWS!! ------------- My babies: R (9),G (7), J (5) http://lilypie.com" rel="nofollow">
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Posted By: Kelpa
Date Posted: 23 April 2008 at 11:23am
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Oh NO...babe!
What a big nightmare..... Kind of stuck between a rock and hard place aye? I wouldnt handle living with my MIL.......It would last a month and that would be it.... I would go start looking for something else... With renovations and having someone else there all the time and of course all using the one kitchen etc...could get incredibly tedious. -------------  
 
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Posted By: Jessica
Date Posted: 23 April 2008 at 11:35am
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Oh Italiah, that all sucks. I would feel the same, I Love my privacy and space. I get on well with my ILs but even then I would not want to basically live with them, MIL would drive me nuts. I would start thinking of finding somewhere else (what a pain!) and think things over until DH is readt to have a proper talk about it. What is it with males, I like to discuss things when they come up not days later!!! Can they not think fast enough or something.
Sorry no really help. Hugs ------------- 
Our con-joined boys 20 wk |
Posted By: gemsmum
Date Posted: 23 April 2008 at 11:39am
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Oh my. I'd be up for homicide if I had to live that close to my MIL. I love her to pieces but the fact she is in England helps. I have no advice just loads of sympathy. ------------- http://lilypie.com">  
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Posted By: Jay_R
Date Posted: 23 April 2008 at 11:43am
Oh, how awful  I would feel exactly the same at the prospect of my MIL and FIL living in the same house as us.
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Posted By: baalamb
Date Posted: 23 April 2008 at 11:55am
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I think you just need to tell DH exactly your thoughts. And hold him to the fact that he said you could talk about it at the end of the week. That works in your favour because you can collect your thoughts, get the anger out of the way so that when you do talk, hopefully it's calm and doesn't turn into an arguement!
I would reiterate it to your DH that you have your own family now and try to get him to see that it could possibly end in disaster. You've coped this long without their help, so why do they think you need it now? Think up all possible situations but be nice and respectful about it, because after all, it's his parents you're discussing and that's dangerous territory if you get agressive about it! I don't envy the situation you're in but I can't help feeling that maybe your MIL may have had this idea even before they moved away?! It's a very sticky position to be in.  Hopefully DH can see your reasons for not wanting this to happen. Best of luck and keep us updated!
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Posted By: MrsMojo
Date Posted: 23 April 2008 at 12:00pm
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I feel ya Italiah.
My MIL is moving into the bedsit downstairs this Saturday and I'm already sick of her. Don't get me wrong, she's actually a really nice lady, and I agreed to let her move in after her husband died, but there are several things that have been getting on my nerves recently: * She changes her mind regularly - seriously I don't know whether I'm coming or going half the time and now my DH has started doing the same. * She and DH are often arguing atm. * She swears around Michaela and says some pretty nasty things about some of her children and I feel really uncomfortable about it. * Sometimes she ignores me completely. She had a heap of firewood, kindling and coal and I told her that we're not allowed to use coal in our woodburner "yeah I know" she responded "but there's not much so you might as well finish it off and then just don't buy anymore". I told her everytime she mentioned it (about 3 times) that I didn't want the coal and suggested that she give it to a friend or throw it out and then when we went to get the firewood on Saturday sure enough, she gave us the coal too and told us to use it up because "there's so little there there's no point throwing it out" *bangs head against brick wall*
* We had a huge clash when Michaela was a baby because she wanted to spit in her hair to make it curly (yes, I said spit!). DH and I constantly argued about it because he supported his mum saying that his hair is curly because his mum spat in it when he was a kid - I mean seriously, how on earth can a usually intelligent man become such a dumbass when it comes to supporting his mum. In the end I had to email him because we couldn't talk about it (turned into fight everytime we did) and I emailed him a study showing how many forms of bacteria are found in the human mouth. Anyway every now and then she makes little comments to Michaela that her hair would be nice and curly if I'd let her spit in it.
* She comes upstairs and does housework (not really a bad thing) and puts things where she wants them and folds things the way she wants them so I have to go around moving my wine glasses from the kitchen to the wine cupboard or refold my nappies so they can be used (for eg). Plus I feel guilty that she's doing my housework and I'm already getting the impression from some of DH's siblings that they think we've invited her to live with us for selfish reasons. * She is useless with money and is constantly trying to encourage us to be the same. We are trying to stick to a tight budget at the moment and she turns up saying there's a sale on at a certain shop here have $50 to go and spend you can pay me back. I've had to put my foot down and say no, we don't need anything and I'm not spending money we don't have for the sake of spending it. * DH keeps saying he wants to give up smoking but whenever his mum's around they spend their time outside smoking and when I gave up she was constantly offering me cigarettes (she thinks she's being nice but it's an awful thing to do to someone who's giving up smoking). * She has so much junk and it's not all going to fit in the bedsit and I don't want to store it in our garage. I'm so scared that she'll try and interfer in our parenting and in our marraige, I'm scared that I'm going to lose my evenings alone which I really enjoy, and that I'm going to have to share meal times, share my kitchen and eat stuff she's cooked. I'm worried that Michaela's quality time will suffer because MIL is grieving, her husband passed away from throat cancer at easter 1 month ago today and her first husband (my DH's dad) passed away from throat cancer at easter 27 years so she is going through a pretty awful time and I'm pleased we are in a position to help but I don't want to do so at the expense of my daughter. I know most of these things do sound pretty irrational but all coupled together it's got me really worried about the move. One thing I made sure was that there's a review date. We're living with her for 6 months and then deciding what to do going forward. I'm going to make more of an effort to take Michaela out during the weekends for quality time if I feel suffocated at home. I'm going to utilise the "I'm really tired" line if I want time to myself in the evening and I'll just go to my room after Michaela goes to bed and go to sleep. Sorry for the thread jack Italiah - at least you now know you're not alone!! -------------  
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Posted By: BellaBoo
Date Posted: 23 April 2008 at 12:01pm
I bet going to France is looking even better!! Maybe it is a sign
I too love my privacy (especially when I have a pj day- I wouldnt want to be judged!) and wouldnt cope with any family living so close. If it was me I would express my concerns in a nice and mature way by a letter/email. That way emotions wont esculate. ------------- http://lilypie.com">   http://lilypie.com">
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Posted By: MrsMojo
Date Posted: 23 April 2008 at 12:06pm
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Good idea Topsy. Even if you put the pros and cons down in writing for when you talk to your DH about it. Try and be unemotional about it and appeal to him in the sense that the family and business would be losing space etc. -------------
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Posted By: PippaLockysMummy
Date Posted: 23 April 2008 at 12:07pm
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Awwhh Italiah, how horrible!!!! There is no way i could live so close to the IL's. If i were in your position i would be looking for a new place now - you have to have your own privacy! I totaly think thats soo mean/rude of them to intrude, even though its their house. Do they work? I can imagine they would try and make you keep the kids noise down too...ggrrr Also i dont know about your Hubby but my parnter would die before he had to give up his garage, where does he plan to put all his stuff?? in the kids room? or how about the lounge?..i dont think so. If it were me i would have a talk with hubby tell him how i feel, and ring SFIL tell him you and hubby just dont think its practical, it will disrupt the kids too much with renovations and all- and making them share rooms you dont think its fair for them. Also tell them you will bring the kids round for a plays so they wont miss out on seeing them. Awwh you poor thing! hope you find a solution soon ------------- http://lilypie.com"> 
http://pregnancy.baby-gaga.com/"> 
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Posted By: nictoddie
Date Posted: 23 April 2008 at 12:07pm
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stick to your guns, if your not going to be happy then you need to say so , I could not do it either !! ------------- 
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Posted By: baalamb
Date Posted: 23 April 2008 at 12:11pm
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Wow that spitting thing is so incredibly disgusting! Just to make it curly???! WTF?! I can't believe your DH agreed with that. I hope it's just a bad, bad old wives tale.
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Posted By: MrsMojo
Date Posted: 23 April 2008 at 12:23pm
I don't think it's an old wives tale as I don't know of anyone else that's ever heard of it but sometimes she comes up with some real weird things. I was told that if I held my newborn baby too much she'd get a bad back as her bones would be weak and deformed. I did hold her alot but there's no sign of any back problems. In hindsight I suspect Michaela had undiagnosed silent reflux and she had to be held alot - either that or left to scream constantly. I can't think of any of the other things at the moment but some of them were really way out there. The trouble was that because she regularly came out with these things that I knew were complete bullocks when she did come up with pearls of wisdom I often ignored them until I had 2nd and 3rd opinions agreeing with her. -------------
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baalamb wrote:Posted By: caraMel
Date Posted: 23 April 2008 at 12:23pm
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I really don't know what I would do if I were you but I could not live with that arrangement. I would have to move. Disruption to DH's plans be damned. The comparitively small disruption of finding a new place and moving would be way better than the huge arguments that would ensue if I had to share my space with the inlaws.
Surely your DH can see your POV? Would he want to share his home with your family, all day every day and have them involved in every thing he was doing? And have to hear their opinion on every decision he made about the kids? I really hope you can get this sorted, you might have to put your foot down and be the bad guy with the inlaws but your sanity, your relationship and protecting your kids from seeing you and their grandparents arguing is most important.  ------------- Mel, Mummy to E: 6, B: 4 and: 
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Posted By: Roksana
Date Posted: 23 April 2008 at 12:31pm
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Oh no Italiah.....I dont know what to say?
I get along with my MIL and lived with her for 3 years and then moved out just before Zaara was born (Thank God), as like your MIL, mine tried to tell me what to do, when to do, how to do etc....It drove me nut!! I had major fights with DH. As like your DH mine is a bit of a mummys boy!! Any who what I am saying is. It is their house so you cant really tell them that they cant renovate the house. If they do live there with you, you are (guaranteed) have MIL on your face all the time and (Guaranteed) will have fights with your DH = Disaster!! Therefore I suggest that you tell MIL and SFIL that even tho you can see where they are coming from, however it really wont suit you and your family at the mo. So the best thing will be to move out. Talk to DH and tell him that you feel strongly about this and regardless of what plans he has your marriage and sanity is more important so you need to move out. Your DH has just got to see the big picture!! I do hope things gets sorted out in your Fav hun!! I can sorta feel your agnger/frustration etc. ------------- http://lilypie.com"> 
http://lilypie.com"> 
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Posted By: Roksana
Date Posted: 23 April 2008 at 12:37pm
Oh and MrsMojo my MIL has real weird ideas as well. She is a very traditional HINDU lady and she wanted to do some weird things to Zaara (dont wanna get in to that)....I was like back away lady or I sware I will have to kill you ....well I didnt actually say it but my expression said it all!!!
But she is much better now!! May be she finally realised that to Zaars is my first, I do know what I am doing!! LOL ------------- http://lilypie.com">
http://lilypie.com">
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Posted By: Chovynz
Date Posted: 23 April 2008 at 12:38pm
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Italiah - show DH your top post. ------------- Defending the male species since 1980 
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Posted By: my4beauties
Date Posted: 23 April 2008 at 12:45pm
OMG these were my thoughts exactly! She is a thinker and I know that getting us into her house was her plan so that she then could have that control and eventually she could move back in. Honestly, I feel like all she wants is MY children!!! We have been getting on great since she left town, and our friendship was being built up again, but right now I'm back to square one with how I feel about her! I can hardly hold back the tears at the moment, I hate this hanging over my head. ------------- My babies: R (9),G (7), J (5) http://lilypie.com" rel="nofollow">
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Posted By: Andie
Date Posted: 23 April 2008 at 12:51pm
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OMG Italiah and MrsMojo... surely there's some programme for women in your situations - like witness protection, but DIL-protection or something?!? Yeeouch. I'd have gone spare. And I like my MIL! But I still wouldn't consider co-habitation unless it was for a reeeeally good reason, and I doubt she would too. Aw, Italiah - just shifting and renting from a normal (not related to you) landlord sounds like the best option by a long shot. Maybe you need to point out to DH that renovating the house you're all living in is going to be a far greater disruption to his year than the 1 weekend it takes to shift house. Far greater. Immensely so!! Heck, give me your e-mail and I'll put the fear of god into him about the realities of renovating with toddlers! Ha ha. Ah I don't want to make you feel worse, since you're already so very stressed about it all... but man, do I feel for you. Good luck on coming to an agreement with your DH on what to do. ------------- Andie |
Posted By: my4beauties
Date Posted: 23 April 2008 at 12:51pm
Man I could move to the bush and live in a caravan if it meant that I didn't have to live with MIL! But France is a much nicer place!
And you're right, if I am having a crappy day and can't be arsed seeing anyone, I would still have her presence, and SHE WOULD come into our "quarters" every day, she wouldn't be able to help herself. And I'd constantly be fighting to keep the kids away from their "quarters" as well, and that would be an issue. It would create problems with Dh and I as I would get sick of living so close to her, and there would be no getting away from her. What they would take as their bedroom (which is Rico's room atm), it has a door into our courtyard and you can see our room, the lounge and Jett's room. When we have visitors over they can see all the goings-on, when the kids play outside, they can see. It's going to be all too much, I've made up my mind i don't want it to happen, but getting it through to DH is another story. ------------- My babies: R (9),G (7), J (5) http://lilypie.com" rel="nofollow">
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Posted By: sparkle
Date Posted: 23 April 2008 at 12:57pm
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Oh no!! That sounds truely heinous!!!!!
Definitely stick to your guns with DH, it may take a while for him to listen but do it till he understands how hard it will be, not just on you but on the whole family!!! ------------- http://lilypie.com"> 
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Posted By: Maya
Date Posted: 23 April 2008 at 1:05pm
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Heinous is right! I couldn't live with my own parents, let alone someone elses! Good on you for sticking to your guns, if worst comes to worst you could always tell DH that HE can stay with them if he wants but that you and the kids need your own space.
Oh and LMAO Mrs Mojo, my nana used to do the spit curls thing too -------------  Maya Grace (28/02/03)
 (02/01/06)
The Gremlins:Sienna Marie & Mercedes Kailah (14/10/06)
Lil miss:Chiara Louise Chloe (09/07/08)
Her ladyship:Rosalia Sophie Anais (18/06/12)
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Posted By: kebakat
Date Posted: 23 April 2008 at 1:07pm
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Geez how sucky!!!!!
If that was proposed to us I would not let it happen at all. I hope your DH can see your side. I don't know if this would work for you but I'd make my DH see it from my point of view by saying how would you feel if my parents proposed this and you were the one at home with the kids and my parents were constantly in my face? He wouldn't appreciate it and you can say that they are nice people, but they are HIS parents not yours. He will always love them and appreciate them more than you because of that fact. I'd be looking for a new place. Yes your DH may have plans for you guys but since when do peoples plans always go exactly how they want them to? |
Posted By: my4beauties
Date Posted: 23 April 2008 at 1:16pm
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I know, just them asking us for this to happen has put a spanner in the works, so if he doesn't like the idea of moving out, then I'm telling him I don't like the idea of living with his controling mother. THEY are the ones that are disrupting our lives, not ME wanting to move out because of their heinous proposal.
What gets me is the fact that they have ASKED! We all know MIL and I have had big issues in the past, and in order to keep things civil, I need my space from her. I was freaking out enough knowing she was moving back into town, let alone now thinking she wants to live with under the same roof as us! It makes me so angry they have put us in this position, and it has caused arguements with DH and I, and I hate they affect our marriage like this! That's probably the biggest thing we argue about, is MIL. I can't see a positive at all with living so close to her. I was having to get used to the idea of having to see her weekly again anyway, so the idea of seeing her daily is just sickening! ------------- My babies: R (9),G (7), J (5) http://lilypie.com" rel="nofollow">
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Posted By: aimeejoy
Date Posted: 23 April 2008 at 1:23pm
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OMG you poor thing. I would make the most of your DH not wanting to talk about it for a few days to calm down so you can talk without getting upset - they all seem to hate that, and its hard to get your point across. And I totally agree with Stacey's idea above - what if it was your parents and he was home all day. Also need him to understand that for you and MIL to have any kind of relationship, you need space.
Good luck ------------- Aimee Hannah 22/10/05 Greer 11/02/08 |
Posted By: NeoshasMummy
Date Posted: 23 April 2008 at 2:01pm
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Oh no I would definately go looking for something else.
Good to know I am not the only one with a crazy MIL, when I was pregnant we were living with MIL honestly I felt like she was the one having the baby. She forced herself into all of my maternity appointments, just turning up sometimes she even told me that she will have the bassinet in her room so I can sleep all night and she had a total disregard for my choice to breastfeed. Where do these women get off? P.S spitting in a babies hair?? That is disguisting! As if there arent enough germs u have to keep away from them without adding more!! ------------- https://secure.fertilityfriend.com/home/30c4ec/" rel="nofollow">  Mrs Te Kani ❤️ Neosha 26/5/2007 |
Posted By: my4beauties
Date Posted: 23 April 2008 at 2:12pm
This is what I don't want to have to do. Leave my home, just to get a break from the IL's. My home is my haven, and I like to "hide" away in my home. I won't get to hide anywhere having MIL under the same roof. But gosh mrsmojo, your mil would be hard work!! Sometimes they just can't get things into their heads!! You tell them something, and THEY DON'T GET IT! I think it comes down to LISTENING to you, and RESPECITNG you and your decisions. My MIL is like this, and if she wants to do something with/for the kids and I say no, she keeps bringing it up, as if she's thinking I'll change my mind, or that I'll give in to her (which is what she wants) if she keeps on asking. I just wish she'd take NO for answer and leave it at that! ------------- My babies: R (9),G (7), J (5) http://lilypie.com" rel="nofollow">
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Posted By: katie1
Date Posted: 23 April 2008 at 2:14pm
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That is hideous.
I really think there is no option but to move out. It isn't healthy to live that close together and you are just being realistic and sensible about needing your space. I think it is great that they have let you rent their house (which sounds fantastic) and good that you have been able to use it for longer than you thought. Maybe they are just thinking they are helping you out by making an option so you can stay there. Can you just politely thank them and explain that you think it is best for everyone if you all have your own family space. Your DH HAS to agree. He is being very unrealistic if he thinks it is an option. I agree with Andie that one weekend of moving is way less hassle than putting up with rennovations. Good luck. |
Posted By: my4beauties
Date Posted: 23 April 2008 at 2:22pm
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That's what I thought also, one weekend of moving is less hassle than having weeks of renovations and loosing valuable space (WE NEED A GARAGE!) and then having people move INTO our space.
I have lived with the IL's 3 separate times before we had kids and that was hard enough. I swore to myself I would never live that close to MIL ever again. I KNOW Dh wouldn't live this close to my parents, and they truely aren't half as bad as MIL. Ok, my mum is a bit "in your face" when it comes to the kids, but at least I can tell my mum to back off! And if it was my parents asking this rediculous question, the answer would be straight out NO. I wouldn't think about it, it's a straight "NO". ------------- My babies: R (9),G (7), J (5) http://lilypie.com" rel="nofollow">
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Posted By: Rachael21
Date Posted: 23 April 2008 at 2:23pm
| Maybe tell DH that you will do all the househunting? I know mine hates any stress like that so that might be what hes worried about. You never know when you tell the ILs that you are planning on moving out they might just kick the other people out of their unit so you can stay there? |
Posted By: .Mel
Date Posted: 23 April 2008 at 2:26pm
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Ok I've read your OP and I've also read everyones responses, so forgive me if I repeat whay others have said.
Firstly I agree, it sounds like she could have had this planned from the beginning. By living with you she'll have control over you and the children, and your DH will do what his mother wants over what you want. I think you should start looking on Trade Me for a new house. Tell DH that you aren't waiting until the end of the week to talk to him, that you are feeling anxious and stressed about the phone call and you want to talk to him now. He obviously knows what you are going to say and is trying to avoid it. So have your told SFIL that you don't want or like their suggestion? That it would be easier if you guys moved and found another place to live. I find it weird that your SFIL called you and not her, clearly that is part of her grand plan. Your DH has to step up this time and start standing by you and his kids. (OMG that sounds very familiar to me for some reason )
Talk to him sooner rather than later and tell him you would rather move than have to live with the inlaws. God I couldn't think of anything worse! Be strong! ------------- Mr Mellow (16) Miss Attitude (8) Destructa Kid (3) 
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Posted By: Bizzy
Date Posted: 23 April 2008 at 2:54pm
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ok, firstly it is their house and you are living in it so maybe you should be grateful for that for a start and that you got to be alone in it for longer than originally anticipated. and if they want to really move back in then there isnt really much you can do about it.
Secondly if you dont like the idea tell them. And also tell your husband. You said he didnt want to move just yet cause he has other plans...when does he want to move? would it be within a time frame you could agree on... make a deal that you will stay for one month (or whatever the length of time) then look for a new place. i would prob point ou to him too the logistics of living in a home that is being renovated around you, that might help to change his mind...men dont always look at the practical side. i agree with the person who said maybe wait a week to talk to him tho and give yourself some time to calm down... ------------- http://www.myfitnesspal.com/weight-loss-ticker"> 
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Posted By: my4beauties
Date Posted: 23 April 2008 at 3:55pm
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Hmm, well I am grateful to have had this time to live in this house. BUT they ASKED us to move in here, it was more of a favour to them that we move in. They didn't move a thing out of this place when they left, I had to bascially pack their stuff up and put it up in the attic the day we moved in here, so I had room for our stuff. We've fitted our furniture around their furniture, so they didn't have to take it into storage. The rent is more expensive here than our old place as well, and POWER has almost doubled a month as well, so it more costly to us being here. Yes it's a better place for us than the last one we were in, but we were happy in that place and weren't looking to move at all, until they offered us this place.
Yes they can renovate it, being that it's their place. But if total strangers lived in this house, they wouldn't consider doing that, for the fact they wouldn't want to share the living with total strangers. ALSO when we agreed to move in, and they said that when they moved back into town, they would find a smaller place for themselves and we could STILL live here. So their terms have changed on what we agreed on, as I DID NOT want to moving around/finding another place to rent SO SOON! Otherwise I WOULD'VE stayed where I was!!! We were living in one of my dad's rental's, he NEVER would've kicked us out, it was one of his investments and he needed tenants, so we were happy there with no hassles what-so-ever! He has about 5 houses on one block, and myself and siblings all rented his houses. I would rather they just told us to move out, than to put me through this decision making of whether or not I want them to live under the same roof as me. Then I wouldn't have anything to discuss with DH, and he would know there was no option but to move out. But please realise these were not the terms agreed on originally. MIL told me they WOULD NOT move back in when they came back to town! I was not prepared to move in temporarily, as the place we were in was a permanent/long term rental, so if we were going to move out of that, I wanted to move to another permanent long term place. ------------- My babies: R (9),G (7), J (5) http://lilypie.com" rel="nofollow">
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Posted By: Bombshell
Date Posted: 23 April 2008 at 4:15pm
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we live extended family - mum and i bought a house and then DH moved in!
lets say that it works for us 90% of the time. The other 10% is mainly what your DH and mine could chat about....the pitfalls of extended family living. Altho must say it works for us cause Dh and mum get on and gang up on me half the time. We also own a home and income - so we have tenants right next door. So kinda know all the pitfalls of what you are about to go thorugh if you agree....I agreed to live this way and am mostly happy about it. YOU are NOT...dont do it....you will be 90% miserable I can see it already - you have to have an awesome relationship with someone first to be able to live this way. DH luckily fitted in and mum adores him. If they hadnt got on we would have had to sell and buy two houses. We tolerate having tenants as it pays to the mortgage here....DH hates it. I think you need to sit down with your DH and have a good long chat...have notes ready if need be. If he wants to chat with my DH who is already living your lifestyle (but much nicer position) then let me know and it can be arranged. |
Posted By: my4beauties
Date Posted: 23 April 2008 at 4:44pm
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Thanks BS. I appreciate your offer.
My emotions are all over the place with trying to make this decision. One minute I feel too tired and dejected to be bothered to put up a fight and have disagreements with DH over it, as we've been having a few lately and I'm tired of it. Then I realise I NEED to put up a fight as otherwise I will be miserable living here with them. I think if I knew it would be an easy enough discussion with DH and he would see my point of view, then I wouldn't be feeling so tense. But he has a brick wall up when it comes to talking to me about things and doesn't *hear* what I am saying. So I know it's going to be a tough time for me trying to get through to him. I know that with it being *his* mother, it's not too much of an issue with living by her. Sorry for all the rambling and thinking out loud. Being that I can't vent to DH about it, you guys have been given the privledge . ------------- My babies: R (9),G (7), J (5) http://lilypie.com" rel="nofollow">
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Posted By: .Mel
Date Posted: 23 April 2008 at 4:57pm
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You need to be strong, this could make or break you.
Tell DH to suck it up and grow up. You are his wife and you have concerns that are causing you to feel unwell. This is your family that is going to be effected by his parents. You were inconvenienced by them once before and you aren't going to let it happen again, especially when the children will be effected. I'm sure Rico wouldn't be too impressed to find out that his room was going and he was going to have to share. Where do the in laws expect to stay while these reno's are being done? At their house of course! So speak up and do some research on rentals around the place and show DH that there are cheaper and better options out there. Stand your ground this time! ------------- Mr Mellow (16) Miss Attitude (8) Destructa Kid (3)
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Posted By: my4beauties
Date Posted: 23 April 2008 at 5:10pm
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I actually feel like ringing my dad and telling him what's going on and seeing if he has any options for us. He's in the property development industry so may know of a place that would be suitable for us. ------------- My babies: R (9),G (7), J (5) http://lilypie.com" rel="nofollow">
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Posted By: surfergirl
Date Posted: 23 April 2008 at 5:22pm
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To add my two (newbie) cents...
I have awful ILs who have damaged their relationship with me and their son sooo badly we no longer have contact with them. This happened after YEARS of silently feeling like you do. Their true colours were finally revealed and DH had no choice but to see them for what they are. My advice is - don't put up a fight. Don't fight at all. Just tell your DH you are not living with your ILs. This doesn't sound to me to be a negotiable situation, you sound sick to death of this woman and the stress she causes you. I find that arguing/fighting about something makes the issue emotional and makes the other party feel like you can be 'persuaded' to change your mind. If you just state it as fact - I WON'T live next door to your family - then how can he argue? Good luck - I am not envious of your situation!
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Posted By: peanut butter
Date Posted: 23 April 2008 at 7:10pm
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Cry Cry and Cry some more. That usually works with men! But seriously, explain to him that you like the fact that you and your MIL are getting on better but that living under the same roof would seriously jeopordise that! Women need space from other women. I think most would say (BS excluded) that there is no way in hell they could share a roof with their own mother let alone someone else (let alone a MIL).
I would say "lets move out, it will be better in the long run and nice to have a place to visit....its time we looked for something of our own". But stick to your guns. you have a decent DH, even if he needs a kick in the pants from time to time! |
Posted By: Bombshell
Date Posted: 23 April 2008 at 9:30pm
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yeah and by the way DH wont go downstairs in the nudie rudie or in just undies in case mum sees him....LOL....imagine the invasion of privacy you would have when you dont even like the woman!!!!
just trying to help your side of argument.... BTW - if there is only one kitchen who will cook etc...how would you structure it...we have nights where i cook for me and DH - and we have something mum wont eat (butter chicken, nachos etc), mum and him have their heap of onion nites etc...but that is a hard one - sharing a kitchen...mums pet peeve is dishes - how bout your MIL??? laundry - what if it rains and it piles up....??? who gets to park in a garage, where in the drive - look we lost out to mum on that one! ugh...and other garage is filled with our crap! people over for dinner etc....the ILs will be around...you cant ask them to leave...mum always got on with my friends etc, she is a fantastic cook - we let her stay around LOL! but can see it might be crushing for you and DH to "socialise" with them hanging around the house too???? bill sharing - power etc...will increase and how will it be split, names on bills etc, phone calls into the house etc.... just a few ideas to start your conversation with him....
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Posted By: my4beauties
Date Posted: 24 April 2008 at 10:17pm
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Basically they want to take one of the bedrooms and the garage, which already has a toilet in it, and renovate so they have like a 1 brm unit. I guess they'll put a shower in and a kitchen, so they're saying that their living will be seperate. But it's still too close to my liking.
When I woke up this morning it was silent. I realised (after having lived with them pre-babies), that there wouldn't be that early morning silence, as they are early risers and SFIL likes to have his music up loud in the mornings. I know I could ask that this doesn't happen, but they still would create noise. I know also that once the kids wake up, and if DH and i are still in bed, they would want to be going to their part and it wouldn't ever be that we have seperate lives. I would have to call out/go and get them back, when we're ready for breakfast, or just to get them back into our area. I would constantly have that to deal with. And MIL would feed them whenever the kids went to their part, and I wouldn't have much control there when it comes to them eating. I don't want to make all these petty rules up with what they can and can't do with the kids!! If we live totally seperately, I won't have too! The fact they want to take the garage is very annoying. We already have 3 vehicles and they have 2, and not much driveway space. So all our vehicles will be cramped on the drive and we'd forever be saying "can you move your car so we can get out" etc etc. But I've totally decided that it's just not going to happen. I haven't stressed about it today, as I know I couldn't live like that, and I'm not going to put myself through it. I just can't wait to hear what DH has decided, and whether or not he will understand my side and agree that it won't be good for our family, or if he disagrees. ------------- My babies: R (9),G (7), J (5) http://lilypie.com" rel="nofollow">
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Posted By: scarecrowfarm
Date Posted: 24 April 2008 at 10:26pm
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Here's my thoughts. They own the house so you can't stop them moving into the house. It's theirs and they have the right to do that. I'm betting they don't even realise they're the IL's from hell, they might even think they're doing you a favour by having you stay there. And of course they probably like the idea of being very close to the grandkids.
What you can do however is move out. Sure your husband doesn't want to, but work out a way to make him want to. Make him think it was his idea to do it also and that way he won't blame you for it if he doesn't like it. I'm sure you'll find something that will push the right button. ------------- Robyn www.scarecrowfarm.co.nz |
Posted By: my4beauties
Date Posted: 25 April 2008 at 9:22am
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Oh I'm not saying it's not their right to do this, but they called and asked if it would be ok for them to do this. If this is something they decide to go ahead with, I'm moving out. I know all MIL wants is to live with her grandchildren.
Also, just incase you didn't read the earlier posts Robyn, the original agreement was that we could live in this house permanently, and when they moved back to town, they would find a small unit for themselves. I wouldn't have moved from our other house, if I knew they a) wanted to move back in so soon or b) they wanted to move IN with us! ------------- My babies: R (9),G (7), J (5) http://lilypie.com" rel="nofollow">
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Posted By: yummymummy
Date Posted: 25 April 2008 at 9:44am
Sorry I'm a bit confused - is the place rented or owned? Or do you pay rent to MIL? ------------- http://lilypie.com">  http://lilypie.com">
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Posted By: scarecrowfarm
Date Posted: 25 April 2008 at 9:53am
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I didn't see the 'permanently' part sorry. But yeah, I think you'll need to work your feminine wiles on your DH so that you will move out. I don't think you'll be happy in that situation, in fact I know you won't.
Just another thought, if you guys did move out, would that mean your IL's would be less interested in moving in. Maybe even the hint of it might make them look elsewhere. Is there a way you can say to your IL's (Perhaps SFIL) that you never envisaged living with your IL's when you got married and you don't believe it is an ideal situation. It's your belief that as extended family will get on a lot better when they're not living in each other's pockets. Try and approach it from a positive angle where you will all get on better together so you don't look like the enemy in this situation, but the person playing the happy families card. If they're smart enough, they'll realise you're right. ------------- Robyn www.scarecrowfarm.co.nz |
Posted By: my4beauties
Date Posted: 25 April 2008 at 10:20am
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yummymummy, Yes we moved from a rented place, into here and pay rent to Dh's parents.
Robyn, I told SFIL that we would move out if they wanted their place back (to save them having to renovate and save myself from living with them), but he said it's fine for us to stay. I do think though that if we told them we were moving out if they want to renovate and live here as well, they wouldn't do it. I just wish they did just tell us to move (which I'd still be pi$$ed off with being that they've changed our agreement from when we moved in), rather than try to weasel their way back into the place and live with us. ------------- My babies: R (9),G (7), J (5) http://lilypie.com" rel="nofollow">
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Posted By: scarecrowfarm
Date Posted: 25 April 2008 at 11:27am
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I think that might be part of your problem. You're letting them know you'd move out to save them having to renovate. That's probably a side issue to them and they probably still think they're playing the nice in-laws card. They probably think you're just trying to save them doing it up which they don't mind doing anyway by the sounds of things.
I think you need to be straight up with them and let them know you don't think it's a good idea to be living with extended family and either they have the house or you do. Ideally your husband should be doing that job, but sounds like he doesn't see it as much of an issue yet. ------------- Robyn www.scarecrowfarm.co.nz |
Posted By: my4beauties
Date Posted: 25 April 2008 at 1:24pm
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Well I told Dh my thoughts and he said he knew i wouldn't like the idea. Even though he sounded like he himself knew I wouldn't agree, he too wouldn't want to live like that. So he said he would talk to them as I quote "he knows how to handle his mother". I told him to make sure he doesn't put it that it's all ME not wanting it to happen, it's a family agreement.
They absolutely do not want us to move, but I can see MIL trying to weasle her way in to live with the grandkids and she's trying to make it sound like it's the only option. Dh said there is ALWAYS other options and he will make a few suggestions to them. They are smart people and KNOW they don't have to do this in order to move back to town, but I think MIL is seeing how far she can go with suggesting this. She's tried to sugar-coat the proposal by saying they could even pay all the power, but it doesn't make any difference to me. Anyway, I'm glad I've finally got my decision off to chest to Dh and that he was fine with what I have said. Now he just has to talk to them about it and find out what their next plan is in regard to living back here. ------------- My babies: R (9),G (7), J (5) http://lilypie.com" rel="nofollow">
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Posted By: scarecrowfarm
Date Posted: 25 April 2008 at 2:20pm
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Sounds great, and I'm glad your DH is on board now. I'll be honest, there is no way I'd want to live with my IL's even if they owned the house and it was a big house. I'd want my space and I'd want my privacy. I wouldn't want my parents living here for that matter either.
Obviously when they get to geriatric status things might need to change out of necessity, but until then, no thanks. ------------- Robyn www.scarecrowfarm.co.nz |