hating my child! :(:(:(
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Category: Have A Baby?
Forum Name: Kindy and Beyond
Forum Description: So you've survived the sleepless nights and toddler tantrums, now the fun really begins! Talk to other parents of older children here!
URL: https://www.ohbaby.co.nz/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=16729
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Topic: hating my child! :(:(:(
Posted By: BaAsKa
Subject: hating my child! :(:(:(
Date Posted: 28 April 2008 at 2:23pm
I feel extremely terrible for saying this but i have to get it out! - Im hating (ok maybe a bit strong of a word but...) Bailey right now!!
I have never felt like i have any kind of bond with him and iv noticed things going from bad to worse lately so i have been trying to make a big effort to form something but its really hard when hes such a punk!!!!! - he swears at us!! yells at us, throws a mega tantrum for EVERYTHING!! from going to the toilet, getting dressed, listening to us, being nice, he never eats his tea and its a 3 hour battle every night!!   , he doesnt like his brother and its always hurting him by pushing him over, kicking him, hitting him, he wont let Astin play with ANYTHING (not even astins own toys!), hes even been telling the teachers at daycare that we dont feed him, we dont love him because he has to stay in his room all the time! (he has time out in his room) a few of our friends are his teachers so they pick it up straight away and tell us....some days can be good but the minute i do something like change Astins nappy - Bay spazes out and starts throwing things and swearing!!, his fav thing is to yell horid things as soon as he sees me on the phone!!!  ...
Of course i LOVE him!! to bits!! hes my baby boy!! but i really dislike him right now!!!....will his mood end!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! its started around 3 and has progressively gotten worse!
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Replies:
Posted By: Bizzy
Date Posted: 28 April 2008 at 3:28pm
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i cant help except to say pick your battles. maybe if you stopped say the dinner time battles then it may help in some small part. so perhaps let it go for dinner (am using this as an example) and instead of making him eat his tea just concentrate on getting him to sit at the table with you. (thats the rule in our house, i dont care if you dont eat but you sit at the table with everyone till we have all finished). and maybe pick one behaviour like the swearing and really concentrate on that one. Cause lets face it we cant change all their unacceptable behaviours at once... (ok so i may be pinching a bit from diane levy, but it made sense to me ).
Oh and hugs and sympathy too...it can be hard when they just dont seem to be cute and adorable till they are fast asleep! ------------- http://www.myfitnesspal.com/weight-loss-ticker"> 
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Posted By: kebakat
Date Posted: 28 April 2008 at 4:04pm
| I don't have any good advice. But I sure wouldn't sit there and battle with any child for 3 hrs to get them to eat their dinner. I like Deb's idea of just getting him to sit nicely at the table. Plus if he's hungry he will eat. |
Posted By: mummy_becks
Date Posted: 28 April 2008 at 6:08pm
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Yep pick your battles. I have this often with Andrew and some things I just let go and some things I do battle. ------------- I was a puree feeder, forward facing, cot sleeping, pram pushing kind of Mum... and my kids survived! |
Posted By: meow
Date Posted: 28 April 2008 at 6:43pm
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My daughter has stopped eating much at dinner time and she just doesn't get anything else - she can eat the dinner if she gets hungry later.
I figure that she eats enough during the day, and with daylight savings, she is getting tired by dinnertime (I sometimes feed her earlier, but it is a pain making two dinners). Does Bailey take his lunch to daycare? I put all the veges and fruit in DD's lunchbox and she'll eat them. Some things she likes atm are mandarins, half a banana, grapes, celery with peanut butter or cream cheese, mini muffins, bits of cheese and pineapple (on sticks). If we have schnitzel, she will have bits of cut up meat too. ------------- http://lilypie.com"> 
http://lilypie.com"> 
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Posted By: busymum
Date Posted: 28 April 2008 at 8:01pm
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We don't make dinner time a big deal around here. But once they are down from the table, that's plenty of dinner (and everything else until breakfast) for that night.
I'm not big expert but if I was in your shoes I'd be looking at two things for Bailey right now: one is to put some pretty firm boundaries in place for swearing, yelling, hitting. Whatever the main problems are. Perhaps start with two of them. And put him in time out every single time that offense occurs. If you haven't been consistent with it, he'll try you all the more but you've really got to win it while he is a preschooler. The other thing that I'd be working on is to make sure he gets 1/2 hour of your attention each day. Do something 'big boy'ish with him like lego or playdough or something that Astin can't play with, and do it when Astin is in bed. Hopefully having some undivided attention will help settle him. -------------  |
Posted By: BaAsKa
Date Posted: 29 April 2008 at 9:10am
no they cook the meals for the kids and we just check the food chart to make sure we agree with the food> Iv spoken to the teachers about his eating and they all said that although he is a little on the fussy side and they have had some battles with him - he is otherwise good and eats his fruit and veges!!
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meow wrote:Posted By: BaAsKa
Date Posted: 29 April 2008 at 9:23am
We are super consistant with his behaviour by putting him in time out for 5 minutes (usually his room but he has a corner in all our friends houses too!! because he plays up so much!) and he looses a sticker on his good boy chart...his good boy chart has some opposites of his behaviours on it so he gets a sticker if he helps his brother, turns his light off when he gets up in the morning, gets dressed without complaining, no swearing for the day, AND he has a seperate vege chart (bcos this is one of our big battles) which has a pic of 8 different veges and he gets a sticker each time he eats one. Astin sleeps around 3-4 hours per day so in that time (usually the afternoon sleep after Bay finishes school) i do fun things with Bay - we play with his trains, hotwheels, camping with his tent in the lounge, do his letter book, playdough, marble runs etc and last week i took him to the movies to see Horton hears a who....... But alas his beviour is still getting worse so im not sure what else to do
He asked us for another brother the other day so we told him that we were thinking of having another baby to which he answered "good!! i want another brother and not a FAT one like this one! so can we send Astin back?", i answered "NO! we will keep Astin too! so whats wrong with your little brother? he loves you", bay answered " hes too fat!, im going to play in my room" and that was the end of that conversation!! 
Im definately going to try the no fuss tea time tonight! 
thanks heaps ladies
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Posted By: Maya
Date Posted: 30 April 2008 at 10:04am
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Ooooh, charming child! My Maya has her moments like that too, and it is sooo hard to stay objective! I must confess I did have a wee giggle at the "Astin's too fat" comment - that must be coming from daycare. It's funny the things kids talk about amongst themselves, Maya came home once and told me "X isn't my friend coz her breath is smelly". Delightful, how did I raise such an awful cat!
Sounds like you are doing the right things re: consistent consequences, but I agree with Teresa - these are battles you need to work thru while he is a preschooler coz the older they get, the smarter they get and they figure out that mum and dad don't know everything. I think just keeping on with the consistency is the important thing, but there's something to be said in picking your battles like Bizzy said too. Maybe think about what things REALLY matter (ie. hitting, physical violence, swearing?), what things matter a little (ie. maybe getting dressed etc.) and the things that don't matter so much. Then focus on the ones that are most important so he doesn't feel like he's constantly being told off/put in time out coz that can be demoralising for a child and instead of encouraging them to behave better, it makes them feel like they'll never be able to behave well enough so they might as well not bother. The things that really matter, where safety is concerned and where you really want to stamp out unacceptable behaviours like throwing things and swearing, use time out every time without fail. The things that don't matter so much, maybe look at other ways of approaching them, for example: agree that meal times don't need to be a battleground - you choose WHAT he eats and WHEN he eats it, he chooses IF he eats it and how much. After a couple of nights of refusing dinner and being pretty hungry by breakfast you might find he starts eating a bit, then more. With the getting dressed, again, not neccessarily worth the struggle. I took Maya to daycare in her pyjamas once coz she played up about getting dressed, she thought she was the coolest coz she 'won' - till we got there and all her friends were like "why is Maya in her PJ's, that's just silly!" Never had that problem again funnily enough! And the little things that don't matter so much, let them go. You can't sweat the small stuff, you'll go mad! Anyways, hope this helps, it's not much different to what anyone else has said, but having survived the preschool years to tell the tale with Maya the only other thing I can add is hang in there, coz this stage will pass eventually too, its just making sure you get thru it without letting him form any lifelong bad habits! ------------- Maya Grace (28/02/03)
 (02/01/06)
The Gremlins:Sienna Marie & Mercedes Kailah (14/10/06)
Lil miss:Chiara Louise Chloe (09/07/08)
Her ladyship:Rosalia Sophie Anais (18/06/12)
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Posted By: Bizzy
Date Posted: 30 April 2008 at 10:21am
ah, yes thats what i was trying to say but you nailed it... oh and dont forget too to praise any good behaviour you catch him at, like nice playing or even manners... hope the no fuss dinner worked for you!!! ------------- http://www.myfitnesspal.com/weight-loss-ticker">
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Posted By: BaAsKa
Date Posted: 30 April 2008 at 10:22am
oh Emma!! im soooooo doing the "going to school in pjs thing"!!!! especially bcos he usually gets down to the undies and then the screaming begins so undies to school!! or the prospect of it might be great
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Posted By: Bizzy
Date Posted: 30 April 2008 at 10:24am
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oh and re the clothes, does he pick his own clothes? ------------- http://www.myfitnesspal.com/weight-loss-ticker">
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Posted By: fattartsrock
Date Posted: 30 April 2008 at 1:39pm
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when I'm having clothes problems (more often than not lately) I find letting him choose helps, like Biz said, except I am an anal control freak, so I pick two things and let him choose one, IE 2 pairs of undies, then 2 tops, 2 pants etc. he likes that. Jake that is. He likes that. ------------- The Honest Un PC Parent of 2, usually stuck in the naughty corner! :P |
Posted By: Maya
Date Posted: 30 April 2008 at 2:15pm
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I like it Amber! He'll only go to school in his undies once! ------------- Maya Grace (28/02/03)
(02/01/06)
The Gremlins:Sienna Marie & Mercedes Kailah (14/10/06)
Lil miss:Chiara Louise Chloe (09/07/08)
Her ladyship:Rosalia Sophie Anais (18/06/12)
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Posted By: BaAsKa
Date Posted: 01 May 2008 at 6:07pm
Bahaha! i dunno - Bays one stubborn child if ever there was one! lol Deb - yip we let him pick his clothes because like you said - it really helps! We had a very BIG PROBLEM today that im not sure what to do!!! - i left the room for a bit to do something while Bay and Astin were playing then heard Astin making a funny noise and went in to find Bay on top of Astin holding Astins nose shut with one hand and the other hand tightly over his mouth!!! i quickly told Bay to get off him and asked him what he was doing but he just babbled on!!!!! WTF!!!!....We went shopping an hourish after that and DH and i made a huge effort to get him to help us choose the groceries etc and bought him a big boy bottle because of course hes feeling left out but WOAH!! what do i do!!???
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Posted By: Kellz
Date Posted: 01 May 2008 at 7:17pm
| Oh gosh Amber, thats doesnt sound good at all. Sorry havnt got any advise, but seems like the other ladies had good tips. Hope things improve for u soon. |
Posted By: Bizzy
Date Posted: 01 May 2008 at 7:35pm
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amber, gabriel has tried to choke not only his brother but also his dad!!! and they are prob close in age...so could be related to that. ------------- http://www.myfitnesspal.com/weight-loss-ticker">
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Posted By: BaAsKa
Date Posted: 02 May 2008 at 9:15am
Gosh i hope its just an age thing then
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Posted By: Bizzy
Date Posted: 02 May 2008 at 10:02am
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it sound like it to me... we have a very aggressive child here at the moment...lots of NO, not listening, hitting, throwing toys, caught him the other day with a big stick poking it at edens face!!! (not sure if he was trying to get her with it or the hood on the capsule tho)
its hard but i think being consistent and picking the main behaviours to concentrate on help. how did your dinner go the the other day? ------------- http://www.myfitnesspal.com/weight-loss-ticker">
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Posted By: Maya
Date Posted: 02 May 2008 at 8:30pm
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The other thing is, he might not be being deliberately malicious (or he might, I don't know). I once caught Maya lying on top of Mercedes under the playgym when Mercedes was only a few weeks old. Maya was nearly 4 so waaay old enough to know better, but I don't think she meant to hurt her, she was just seeing what reaction she'd get from me.
Do you think it's worth discussing your concerns with your GP? He or she might be able to provide a different perspective coz there might be something else up that is making him act up. ------------- Maya Grace (28/02/03)
(02/01/06)
The Gremlins:Sienna Marie & Mercedes Kailah (14/10/06)
Lil miss:Chiara Louise Chloe (09/07/08)
Her ladyship:Rosalia Sophie Anais (18/06/12)
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Posted By: Lola2008
Date Posted: 02 May 2008 at 9:26pm
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Could this behaviour have started when the baby was born?
It sounds like he is really wanting your attention. I know its very hard when they are doing everything in their power to hurt/annoy you and also when you are busy with life/housework/other kids but I am willing to bet that if you start to give him more attention - look him in the eye and talk to him. Tell him hyou love him so much but don't like it when he behaves badly, hug him, let him sit on your lap but best of all (and I find this works really well for mine when I feel at the end of my tether) sit down together and design a simple chart (let him stick some stickers on or draw a picture) and give him a sticker for every day he goes without swearing (for example). What I do is pick one or two behaviours I want to change (like not getting out of bed at night after bedtime) and concentrate on trying to correct them... Good luck and don't worry we all have ill feelings sometimes! |
Posted By: BaAsKa
Date Posted: 03 May 2008 at 11:16am
Dinner went really well! he ate his veges and then wanted more!!!
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Posted By: BaAsKa
Date Posted: 03 May 2008 at 11:22am
yip i spoke to my plunket nurse (who has been our nurse since Bay was born so knows him quite well) , I told her of the troubles i had been having and she immediately sugested autism so i said that i had thought of that so now she has put him on the waiting list to see the specialist (apparently only very few autism specialists around!)..she told me to go to his daycare and speak to the teachers about his behaviour and whether they think possible autism so i did and they said that his behaviour at school is no worse than normal and they have a few autistic kids there and Bay is nothing like them/?????? so who knows!!!!!???? |
Posted By: Bizzy
Date Posted: 03 May 2008 at 12:13pm
wow, excellent job then... that must have been a much nicer meal ...  ------------- http://www.myfitnesspal.com/weight-loss-ticker">
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Posted By: BaAsKa
Date Posted: 03 May 2008 at 2:54pm
DH and I barely ate our meal! - we spent the whole meal staring at Bay with our mouths open in awe!! lol wonders never seace! (SP???) I also ignor him when hes having a hissy fit at me now bcos he cant do something and he soon realised that there was no point anD started chatting away to which i answered so he knew i was just ignoring him! ...bit by bit we will get there
thanks heaps! |
Posted By: Maya
Date Posted: 03 May 2008 at 7:44pm
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I'm no expert, but it doesn't sound like autism to me either? Altho I guess that is a whole spectrum of conditions, but Bailey doesn't seem to have any of the classic signs. ------------- Maya Grace (28/02/03)
(02/01/06)
The Gremlins:Sienna Marie & Mercedes Kailah (14/10/06)
Lil miss:Chiara Louise Chloe (09/07/08)
Her ladyship:Rosalia Sophie Anais (18/06/12)
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Posted By: Bizzy
Date Posted: 03 May 2008 at 8:11pm
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if hes autistic then so is gabriel LOL!!!
that sounds like you have made some great progress already. just goes to show that a problem shared is a problem halved... i dont know why but i feel really really pleased for you... ------------- http://www.myfitnesspal.com/weight-loss-ticker">
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Posted By: BaAsKa
Date Posted: 05 May 2008 at 9:41am
hehe thanks for being pleased Deb and LOL about Gabriel being as well! bcos that is what daycare said - "if Bailey is autistic bcos of his behaviour then ALL of the boys here must be!"
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Posted By: JPP
Date Posted: 12 May 2008 at 12:21pm
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I have found myself when my 2 boys were the same age you're talking about feeling very guilty for having these horrible feelings about them. Starting about 3ish and all the way to 4 1/2ish they both displayed similar behaviour but come leading up to school time/age they both just seemed to 'snap out of it' so t speak. I constantly say that I don't like 3 yr olds and thats becos I have always found my own 2 boys verrrry stressful at that age, though I do believe from my own personal experiences that it is just an 'age thing' with boys and remember reading something a few years back (someone might know where to find study, google maybe??) that boys get 800% ,or some dramatic number close to that can't fully remember, more testosterone at that age for their growthspurt than a male adult! Would explain a lot hehe
ETA just reading this prompted my brain, it could possibly have been from 'raising boys'??? - really good book btw everyone with a boy should read it IMO ------------- http://lilypie.com">  http://daisypath.com">
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Posted By: Lola2008
Date Posted: 14 May 2008 at 2:34am
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Yeah, the testosterone thing is from the Raising Boys book.
I think 3 is the new 2 because both my kids boy and girl were at their worst at age 3 and not at age 2 but the boy seems to have grown out of it (almost 5) and the girl is still in it and I've another yet to get there! |