Adjusting to two kids
Printed From: OHbaby!
Category: Have A Baby?
Forum Name: First baby? Second or more?
Forum Description: Want help? Need support? Want tips? Men and women share advice and tips in this supportive community
URL: https://www.ohbaby.co.nz/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=17590
Printed Date: 13 September 2025 at 6:45am
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Topic: Adjusting to two kids
Posted By: Mazzy
Subject: Adjusting to two kids
Date Posted: 25 May 2008 at 2:41pm
I know - it's only been six days! So take this post with a grain of salt, accounting for baby hormones and the newness of the situation 
I wanted to hear from you ladies who have two or more kids. I'm feeling so sad about how much has changed and how that is affecting my relationship with DD1. Some of this stems from how much I missed her while at the birth centre and getting really upset when I thought I was coming home only to have to turn around and go back to hospital again. Some is from the fact that the last few weeks of pregnancy I made a huge effort to do special stuff with her and it was very cool. Now, we've lost our whole routine. We were having such a great time together in the past couple of months, I finally felt like I knew what to do and what she needed and could cope with whatever happened...and now it's all blown out of the water. I know things probably would have all changed anyway, kids tend to do that  but I guess I wasn't really prepared for how much another baby makes you adjust. My mummy radar is struggling to take in everything with two - please tell me it catches up! How do you do it? Did you feel the same way about the new arrival and your first child? One kid was so much easier. I love DD2 and am really excited about the future and getting to do things with my girls, I'm just in that place where I can see how things could be great, I just can't see how we get from where we are now, to there  ------------- Mum to two gorgeous girls! |
Replies:
Posted By: busymum
Date Posted: 25 May 2008 at 4:11pm
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First up, be kind to yourself because it's a very hard time to adjust to two and you really do get the 'guilts' from not spending as much time with the first child as you used to. It does get better and they will play together in time
Over the next couple of weeks the special things you can do with DD1 will often be when DD2 is feeding. When she is sleeping you'll be sleeping or cleaning, most likely. When she is feeding, you are stuck in one spot doing nothing and you can capitalise on that by offering to read stories to DD1, for example. Other things you can do is, A couple of new toys: this is when my DD1 (at age 19mos) was given a shape sorter and we did that together for ages. she felt all grown up for being able to master it etc. Nail polish. Do hers first, then she'll watch as you do yours and hopefully by then, hers will be dry lol Balloons. Blow up a few, about 3 will most likely be plenty, and throw them to each other. You could even blow the balloons with straws. The beauty is, you can do it all sitting down AKA resting!
Have fun and enjoy your little girls. -------------  |
Posted By: aimeejoy
Date Posted: 25 May 2008 at 8:13pm
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I am still feeling a bit like that, mainly cos Hannah is still finding it hard adjusting and she just looks so sad sometimes, but we are making progress. I think going from 1 to 2 is really hard, a lot because of how guilty I feel for turning Hannahs world upside down, tho I can see how in the long term it will be good for her having a sister. Probably not exactly what you wanted to hear, but it does get better.
Good luck and congrats!! ------------- Aimee Hannah 22/10/05 Greer 11/02/08 |
Posted By: Mazzy
Date Posted: 25 May 2008 at 8:25pm
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Thanks guys. DD1 has been acting up quite a bit today, so I think we've got a bit of work to do. I know it's mostly because she is getting frustrated that we are not as available to her as before, but it's so hard to see her become such a different kid and know that it is because of our decision to have another baby. It will be great in the long run for her to have a sister (I hope - never had one myself!) but right now I just want to make it all ok for her. Hopefully she's young enough to adapt fairly quickly, but I don't know - she's pretty stubborn! I might talk to her creche tomorrow as well and see what they think, they would deal with stuff like this all the time too. ------------- Mum to two gorgeous girls! |
Posted By: Rachael21
Date Posted: 25 May 2008 at 8:44pm
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How old is DD1?
Jack was 17 months so he forgot about it pretty quickly and knew he had to wait for me to finish with Caprece. I still sometimes think how much easier life would be if there was only one but then Caprece is so fun and they get along so well I think he really benefits from having her. They actually entertain each other now and go down into each others room to play without me. You will get back into the swing of things and have enough time for two, it just takes a wee bit of time
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Posted By: aimeejoy
Date Posted: 25 May 2008 at 8:49pm
That is EXACTLY how I feel, as Hannah has changed so much. All of a sudden she has turned into this mean little girl who can be very unpleasant and I really miss my sweet little girl. I know a lot is because she isfrustrated that Greer doesnt do anything, and she dosent understand her own strength versus a baby, and she cant really describe/understand how she is feeling, but it still makes me feel very sad... ------------- Aimee Hannah 22/10/05 Greer 11/02/08 |
Mazzy wrote:Posted By: Mazzy
Date Posted: 25 May 2008 at 9:08pm
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Rach, she's 20 months old, so a bit older than Jack was. Thanks for the reassurance - I'm struggling to see how having time for two works at the moment!
Aimee, it is such a relief to hear that I'm not alone in feeling this. That's the most upsetting thing for me too - just last week DD1 and I were having such a good time and 90% of the time she was an amazing, happy, contented kid. Now all of a sudden she's angry and irritable and demanding and rude...I feel like I don't know her anymore. 
I read books to her this afternoon while feeding DD2, she enjoyed it, but as soon as I had to do something like change sides or answer a question from DH she started yelling and getting angry again. She's not sleeping well either - DD2 is sleeping much better than her 20 month old sister! So frustrating when I don't know what to do and we're all tired as well. Just have to keep telling myself - this too will pass. ------------- Mum to two gorgeous girls! |
Posted By: Rachael21
Date Posted: 25 May 2008 at 9:23pm
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Do you go to a playgroup or anything? We had one that was great because all the other mums had a lovely time clucking over Caprece while I got one on one time with Jack.
I will say tho he went through a stage of biting all the other kids, he was a bit of a late talker so I suppose its the same as yelling, he also used to try and stand on Capreces head. I wish I could give you a time frame but I cannot remember when things got better sorry. Jack also went through a no sleeping time and it was really hard, the only thing I can suggest is maybe DH gets up to DD1 while you deal with 2? Thats what we did until Ben had to go back to work, even tho Jack would wake me up it was still nice not having to actually get out of bed. |
Posted By: Kels
Date Posted: 25 May 2008 at 10:06pm
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I guess my experience was very different as DD1 was 5 when DD2 arrived so I had time alone with DD2 while DD1 was at school and then also had time alone with DD1 once she got home because I had the whole day to get DD2 sorted. I had the feelings of guilt and missing my time with DD1 as it had only been DD1 and I for so long then it all changed dramatically. I got DD1 involved and taught her all about being a big sister and learning the new role. this made her feel really special and needed as she wasnt the baby anymore but she was the "big sister" with a new job responsibility like bring the nappy or rubbing her sisters back for the wind. DD1 thought she was the bees knees. Good luck Mazzy and btw 2 girls are so much fun ... until they grow up ------------- http://lilypie.com"> 
Busy mum to Miss 15yrs, Miss 10yrs and Master 4yrs |
Posted By: Bizzy
Date Posted: 25 May 2008 at 10:38pm
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it gets easier, for everyone.
i think that your daughter is just testing the boundaries, they same as they do when there are any changes in their lives... she will have to learn that there are times when you cant be available to her, but that it will also work the other way too. i never had any success in trying to do things with the older one when feeding the baby. i was probably lucky in that he was quite good at playing by himself... you could try tho having a lunch box ready for feeding times with some snacks and invite her to come and have a snack with the baby so that it feels like she is part of that...? also too you may find that she will enjoy helping. maybe have some things that she can get for you, like flannels or the nappies, help pick out an outfit for baby, in a couple of weeks bath them together even. and then of course you can start new routines of things you and your older daughter can do together.. like maybe baking something together when baby is asleep, or even watching a movie together with some popcorn so you can rest at the same time... ------------- http://www.myfitnesspal.com/weight-loss-ticker"> 
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Posted By: aimeejoy
Date Posted: 26 May 2008 at 9:03am
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Hannah started sleeping really badly too, mainly from getting woken up by the crying in the night and hearing me up, but we solved this by moving her bed to a different corner and have had no problems since. It was so hard getting up to two, as the two year old was much harder to get back to sleep and of course she only wanted mum!
I do see a light at the end of the tunnel tho. I have had three nights in a row of really good sleeps which makes a huge difference, and I have started to be more consistent with Hannah in her behaviour and makingn a real effort to do special stuff with her. ------------- Aimee Hannah 22/10/05 Greer 11/02/08 |
Posted By: Snappy
Date Posted: 26 May 2008 at 9:49am
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im still struggling with the same problem
its taken 4 weeks for janaya to adjust to her new brother. she and i have a story at night while im breastffeding and thats about all i can cope with at the moment, the guilt got to me yesterday so i took janaya to the pools - what a mistake!!!! i was absolutely shattered when i got home. the worst thing for me is janaya being a bit too eager to help out with jackson, when im breastffeding (and in pain!) shes all over me and trying to sing to her brother. any chance she gets shes readjusting his blankets or trying to shove a dummy in his mouth. ii am always growling at her and its awful shes also waking at ridiculous hours, the othe r morning she was in our room at 5.30am playing with her brothers hads in his basinette, i almost hit the roof!!!  ------------- Mummy to two beauties... Formerly Kaiz. |
Posted By: yummymummy
Date Posted: 26 May 2008 at 1:16pm
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Yep struggling here too - that will expalin why I've hardly been around lately It doesn't help that Emma has reflux too so is quite hard to settle.
Sorry not much help here, we're still trying to figure it out - I'm so happy to read it gets easier Big hugs  ------------- http://lilypie.com">  http://lilypie.com">
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Posted By: jack_&_charli
Date Posted: 26 May 2008 at 1:34pm
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it does get easier ladies......just takes a while. not only do you have to adjust yourself to having a newborn in the house again, but your older child does too.
i agree with the reading idea at feeding times, or perhaps things like shape sorters or little touch leappads etc we were lucky with jack being very accepting of charli when she came home, apart from wanting to 'help' with things 
the hardest part i found was doing things for jack while charli was screaming for some reason and also trying to get myself ready to go out. i can remember one day trying to get jack to daycare, charli was screaming, i had to get myself dressed, and jack wouldn't listen to a thing i said.....my dad popped in at that moment and as soon as i opened the door i burst into tears! he took jack to daycare for me while i sorted myself out 
jack and i still had special times togther.....i made sure we did things while charli was asleep and it seemed to help. hang in there, it will get better. i found i just had to be a little more organised than i was before....which is hard for me ------------- http://www.alternatickers.com"> 
http://lilypie.com"> 
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Posted By: fattartsrock
Date Posted: 26 May 2008 at 1:38pm
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There is 20 months between J and C. We didn't have too many problems with J, although sometimes he would act out when I was feeding as he knew I couldn't get up and I did find the tantrum thing meant C was being put under the playgym an awful lot. For that I felt guilty. I felt she was missing out for HIm, but it was probably as much almost 2 year old behaviour as anything, and he very quickly adjusted to life as a brother, forgetting, I am sure, he ever had me to himself. The biggest thing was trying to keep his routine the same as it always was as much as poss, and I think thats where we had our success as he felt secure that his life was mostly the same. It meant C was in a front pack sleeping alot, but it was worth it in the end. and beogn organised, more, too, lol.
Remember you are still feeling the hormone fallout (I found days 6 through 14ish the worst hormone/blues wise) and things will get better soon. Be kind to yourself! It does get easier. ------------- The Honest Un PC Parent of 2, usually stuck in the naughty corner! :P |
Posted By: Mazzy
Date Posted: 26 May 2008 at 1:43pm
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Thanks everyone, it is good to read that it does get easier, and that we're not the only ones struggling with this. We're trying to keep DD1 to her routine as much as possible and I think it will help. Having DH home for this first week is great, although it has also had the effect of throwing her out of her routine a bit too - she's used to having him go off to work. So it will be interesting to see what happens when he does go back. She went to creche fine today so I think having a normal day there will be good for her. Thanks for all the suggestions too, I will make good use of them. ------------- Mum to two gorgeous girls! |
Posted By: Maya
Date Posted: 26 May 2008 at 5:05pm
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Big hugs Mazzy! Like I said, I am watching your progress with interest coz I'll be in your shoes in a few weeks (kinda!)
I completely relate to the feelings of guilt, for me it started even when I was preg with the gremlins, they made me so sick that I couldn't physically do a lot of the stuff I did with her up till then and I resented the hell out of them for that, and felt guilty for making the choice to have them (poor wee embryos were only a few weeks old at that stage!). We have a much bigger age gap, so I don't really have much advice, Maya coped spectacularly, amazingly well with the chaos that the gremlins brought with them in terms of reflux, hospital visits etc. but that was 90% luck and her brilliant personality and only 10% anything that I did I'm sure. More big hugs, looking at my girls playing together now you'd never believe any of them existed without the others, they are such a tight unit, and I'm sure once dd#2 becomes more interesting and interactive with dd#1 they'll be best mates! ------------- Maya Grace (28/02/03)
 (02/01/06)
The Gremlins:Sienna Marie & Mercedes Kailah (14/10/06)
Lil miss:Chiara Louise Chloe (09/07/08)
Her ladyship:Rosalia Sophie Anais (18/06/12)
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Posted By: katie1
Date Posted: 26 May 2008 at 5:15pm
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Big hugs Mazzy. I am also reading with interest and really appreciated the ideas from those who have been there. I am going to copy all the ideas into a document and save for when it is my turn.
Hang in there and I hope the encouragement from the others helps.
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Posted By: Mazzy
Date Posted: 26 May 2008 at 8:53pm
 You guys a lovely
And guess what? DD1 had a great day at creche today and this afternoon/evening was back to her old self for a while. Reminded me that her personality is enduring and even though things might be rough for a while, the great kid she is will always be there and having a sister will be great for her in the long run. Thank you for helping me remember that and for the suggestions - but mostly for the reality check that things will be great eventually and sometimes not being the centre of attention is a good thing for her. Hugs to all the mums going through the same thing - I'll update in a few weeks to let you know how we're going as well, with any new ideas we have. ------------- Mum to two gorgeous girls! |
Posted By: Mazzy
Date Posted: 21 June 2008 at 9:39pm
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Update from me on this...
Things have gotten worse DD1 is constantly hitting her little sister. Any chance she gets, she whacks her in the face - whether I'm holding the baby, the baby is on the bouncer, or anything. She'll even say she wants to give DD2 a 'little kiss' and kiss her and pat her nicely then WHACK. She's also started hitting us and I've been talked to twice at creche about her 'rough hands' with other kids. She's also stopped sleeping, she wasn't great to begin with but now she's refusing to sleep during the day (even though she really needs it) and is a nightmare to settle at night. Wakes around 5am. So on top of the adjusting issues, she's also super tired and not catching up on all the lost sleep, so is grumpy from that as well.
We're taking the advice of plunket now, after trying a few other things, and when she hits just up and walking away, taking DD2 with us and paying attention to her, not even giving eye contact to DD1, as the theory is she's doing it for attention (positive or negative) so if she gets the opposite she'll stop hitting. Eventually. Sigh. The other tactic is that we're trying to get her outside as much as possible, and doing other activities to tire her out during the day. It at least distracts her from how tired she is for a while. I'm still not happy with how I'm parenting her because I'm losing it a bit when I'm tired. I'm also missing my sunny little girl, it's so great when her real personality breaks through. It's not so great when people are meeting her and you can see them thinking 'what a little sh*t' when she's screaming/squealing/beating up her mum without stopping
A couple of other gold ideas I've come across: MagnaDoodle - these things are awesome. She loves drawing but I'm too nervous about our furniture/the walls/the flooring to let her loose with felts or pens or crayons while I'm breast feeding and not able to supervise well. The magnadoodle lets her draw but only on the pad and she loves it. I've also resorted to DVD's. I always swore I'd never let her watch TV but it's the best thing for some down time for her in the afternoon if she hasn't slept. We have a Hairy McLarey DVD that she loves and watches right the way through with her afternoon snack. Bad mummy, but happy DD1 and happy me while doing the afternoon BF and getting dinner sorted is worth it! How's everyone else doing? ------------- Mum to two gorgeous girls! |
Posted By: Candkids
Date Posted: 21 June 2008 at 9:58pm
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sarah was really jealous,
now her and jett have crawling races up the hall and she thinks its fantastic as he can interact with her all the time . i just make sure that each day theres someting that just the 2 of us do, weather its reading a book, baking or playing for a bit outside, it makes a really big difference in her. she has started throwing mega tantrums tho! where she screams as loud as she can even her crying is a screaming cry, that only started when jett was born. ------------- http://lilypie.com" rel="nofollow">  DD 10.5yrs DS 6yrs DS 11mths 5 little angles watching from above |
Posted By: Mazzy
Date Posted: 21 June 2008 at 9:58pm
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I should add that while things have gotten worse with DD1, I am feeling a bit better about getting through the day with two. My mummy radar is slowly catching up! I'm only late half the time and getting better at getting out the door. We're doing stuff for DD1, have started playcentre and going back to coffee group, which she enjoys.
I am struggling to do stuff with her while I'm feeding because if she gets too close she starts hitting DD1, so reading etc. are out. I must remember to try the balloon idea. But we do baking and arts and crafts stuff when DD2 is asleep. I do feel bad that there are times when DD2 is crying or needs a change and she has to wait, but I guess that's part of it too. They both have to make room for each other and they both have to wait at different times. I have found that I really had to let go of a few things. I used to dress DD1 in nice clothes and then change her if we were doing messy play, but now I'm a lot more relaxed and prepared to let her just be a kid and get stuck in to things. I have really let the housework go until I get things with the girls on track a bit more. The house is a lot messier (but still hygenic) but it makes life a bit happier on all fronts. Edited to make sense ------------- Mum to two gorgeous girls! |
Posted By: Candkids
Date Posted: 21 June 2008 at 10:00pm
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lol
im still working on the "getting out the door" im always late, and i hate being late ------------- http://lilypie.com" rel="nofollow"> DD 10.5yrs DS 6yrs DS 11mths 5 little angles watching from above |
Posted By: Mazzy
Date Posted: 21 June 2008 at 10:01pm
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Heh - me too! I'm always the last to arrive at coffee group. What's more aggravating is that another mum who has recently had her second child is always the first and always on time! How does she do it?!
------------- Mum to two gorgeous girls! |
Posted By: LittleBug
Date Posted: 21 June 2008 at 11:41pm
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Must be on drugs j/k. Either that or she aims to leave an hour before she actually has to ------------- Chloe (4 years) and Oliver (3 years). |
Posted By: arohanui
Date Posted: 22 June 2008 at 8:24am
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Lol yeah I was gonna say that littlebug - that she tells herself it starts at 9am when it actually starts at 10am ------------- Mama to DS1 (5 years), DS2 (3 years) and... http://alterna-tickers.com" rel="nofollow"> 
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Posted By: jack_&_charli
Date Posted: 22 June 2008 at 8:30am
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i'm always the late to everything too...but i've always been that way, even before kids. i'm actually alot better now than i was because i have to be more organised. i usually get everything ready the night before ie clothing for kids, snacks, nappies, spare clothes etc ------------- http://www.alternatickers.com">
http://lilypie.com">
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Posted By: busymum
Date Posted: 22 June 2008 at 7:20pm
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I've found organising the baby bag/snacks/etc the night before helps. But some nights I'm too tired to be bothered... ------------- |