Grandparents and your kids
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Category: General Chat
Forum Name: General Chat
Forum Description: For mums, dads, parents-to-be, grandparents, friends -- you name it! And you name the topic you want to chat about!
URL: https://www.ohbaby.co.nz/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=18148
Printed Date: 12 October 2025 at 7:35pm
Software Version: Web Wiz Forums 12.05 - http://www.webwizforums.com
Topic: Grandparents and your kids
Posted By: pepsi
Subject: Grandparents and your kids
Date Posted: 11 June 2008 at 6:24pm
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My DH and I occassionally have this discussion based around how his parents live out of town, so they don't see Alyssa very often. My mum on the other hand, lives on the same street as me - and she happens to care for Alyssa 4 hours a day while I work part time so of course she is very close to her.
As much as I like the inlaws, I don't have that desire to make constant trips so they can see their granddaughter. They also have 3 other grandkids who all live in the same town as them so Alyssa is not the only one. DH thinks if it was my mum who lived out of town then I would be constantly wanting to visit her, but I don't think it's the same thing, cause she's my mum. As a side note, I would probably never live in a different city to my mum anyway.. Anyway, from talking to a couple of people it sounds like it is quite common when a woman has a baby that she ends up closer to her own parent/s, and in turn, the grandkids are closer to their maternal grandparents. I have been told by an older woman at work that she is definitely closer to her daughter and her grandchildren than the grandchildren of any of her 3 adult sons. Those grandkids tend to be closer to the maternal grandparents.. I was wondering, is this the "norm" in terms of how things just pan out? If so, why do you think this is? If you feel like sharing, what is your situation? |
Replies:
Posted By: mummy_becks
Date Posted: 11 June 2008 at 6:38pm
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When I had Andrew both sets lived in Palmy. I felt at the time that we had to make more trips to the in laws so they could see Andrew. My parents came around whenever and often. After I had Josh both sets made an effort to come around to us and that was fine. Now it is different (and it is going to get even more different in a few weeks), my parents live in Oz so it is very difficult to just go for a drive and see them. However my parents often call us and talk to Andrew and I ring them too. Since DH has gone into the army MIL is a lot more helpful and comes around often to see the boys and she takes them for me too. I did have to put my foot down with the in laws a while ago, and have told them that if they want to see the boys they have to make an effort to come around to see them. As they are a 2 income family and we are only 1 they can afford the petrol to come over here. And she does come and see the boys after work or after netball. ------------- I was a puree feeder, forward facing, cot sleeping, pram pushing kind of Mum... and my kids survived! |
Posted By: MrsMojo
Date Posted: 11 June 2008 at 6:42pm
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I agree that children tend to be closer to people they spend more time with but disagree that it's typically the maternal grandparents that kids are closer to. In my situation my MIL lives downstairs and even before she moved in she spent more time with Michaela because she is retired whereas my parents work fulltime and live an hours drive away. We do make an effort to see my parents regularly (although it's not always us travelling for an hour to see them, they reciprocate). My sis who lives in Auckland would find that her boys a closer to their paternal grandparents because the grandparents also live in auckland whereas my parents are in Featherston (just outside of Wellington).] A friend of mine who's son is the same age as Michaela finds that he is close to his paternal grandparents too. He see them a couple of times a week whereas his maternal grandparents live in austria. So IMHO it has more to do with geography and the effort made (from both parties) as to whether a child gravitates towards one set of grandparents over another. If DH wants to rectify the balance maybe he could suggest his parents visit, it can't always be you visiting them IMHO. I also think it's true that men are more likely to move away from their mothers than women are. -------------  
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Posted By: NeoshasMummy
Date Posted: 11 June 2008 at 6:42pm
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opposite for me lol I was much closer to my dads parents than my mums and now Neosha is closer to DPs parents than mine mainly because my mum lives in another country!
Im not a huge family person and since starting my own family they are what is most important to me. Since having a baby I really do wish my mum was close by but she is by NO MEANS maternal and being a young grandma I really dont pick her to be the nana nana type if u get what I mean lol But in saying that all my friends say they are way closer (and their kids) to their own mothers in respect to their DPs so you have a very valid point. ------------- https://secure.fertilityfriend.com/home/30c4ec/" rel="nofollow">  Mrs Te Kani ❤️ Neosha 26/5/2007 |
Posted By: ElfsMum
Date Posted: 11 June 2008 at 6:43pm
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both sets of Ethan's Grandparents live here..... I lived away from my family but hated it and glad I came back before I had kids(I have a disabled brother as well so prefer I'm nearby for that reason as well)
Even though Dh's family lives here we hardly see them.. his mother is elderly but comes over when she can..he just is different with his family, while still close, he hardly sees them whereas I see my family at least once a week..so in our case Ethan will probably end up closer to my parents and certainly will stay overnight there and not at Dh's Mum (only due to age though) and I totally get what you mean about Dh saying about your Mum....when she is YOUR mum it is different.. ------------- Mum to two amazing boys! |
Posted By: cuppatea
Date Posted: 11 June 2008 at 6:48pm
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Both sets of grandparents live in the uk so is not really the same for us, but growing up my paternal grandparents lived 2 doors away and my maternal grandparents lived 4 hours away so I was closer to the my paternal grandparents. But I actually as a kid enjoyed seeing my maternal grandparents more because it was a big fun holiday where they spoilt us wrotten and took us to the zoo and theme parks and stuff whereas my other grandparents babysat us often and always knew what naughty stuff we had been up to so sometimes it was like having two sets of parents which was quite annoying especially as a teenager. ------------- 
 
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Posted By: pepsi
Date Posted: 11 June 2008 at 7:12pm
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I suppose one of the things is, the inlaws haven't come to visit us any more than we have gone to them, but often complain they don't see their granddaughter very much. I have no problem with occassionally going there, it's just more work for us to lug Alyssa (and soon to be another baby) to them right now, so I sometimes feel like it's just easier for them to come to us. It's a 2 hour drive, so can be done in one day. Of the 4 times or so we have made the trip, Alyssa screamed at least one way each time time so that kind of put me off too..
Luckily it's not something that we argue about because DH doesn't really suggest we go there anyway..it's just something I wondered about. |
Posted By: Maya
Date Posted: 11 June 2008 at 7:17pm
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My kids don't have grandparents on Willie's side as both have passed on, but he has a sister at Helensville that he is fairly close to And my parents as most of you know live in Sydney.
TBH, these days the girls prob see more of Mum and Dad than Willie's sister, which is totally slack on my part. We used to go up there every weekend but I've gotten lazy lately and Willie only really goes if I suggest it coz he's even lazier than me. I know it kills my parents, esp my Dad, being so far away from the girls, but they do see them quite often considering, at least 1/2 dozen times a year. And I miss my mum heaps and talk to her every day, but they're not likely to move back here anytime soon and I can't see us moving over there either so we just have to make the best of the situation. -------------  Maya Grace (28/02/03)
 (02/01/06)
The Gremlins:Sienna Marie & Mercedes Kailah (14/10/06)
Lil miss:Chiara Louise Chloe (09/07/08)
Her ladyship:Rosalia Sophie Anais (18/06/12)
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Posted By: busymum
Date Posted: 11 June 2008 at 7:20pm
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When I was growing up, I lived in the same town as my maternal grandparents and an hour's drive away from my paternal grandmother (widowed). But we weren't all that close to either. Mum didn't like to hang around her parents very often - and certainly not let us stay even for an afternoon - because of abuse in her childhood. We got to see paternal grandmother almost as regularly: she would always make an effort to come visit for our birthdays and there would always be some family get-together each year (often for Christmas).
So basically with m.grandparents we were never left, so I didn't get to know them much. With p.grandmother whenever we saw her there was a party or cousins around, so we never got to know her much either! With my kids, p.grandma now does home help for us so she sees the kids weekly (and she is the best g.parent they have). p.grandfather is in fits and starts but seems to think that its our responsibility to visit him (not the other way around). Anyway he is often out of town for work on an unreliable schedule, so we don't see him very much. M.grandparents have 6 kids at home and are going through a rocky place in their marriage - have been for nearly 10 years - so are very self-focussed. We do get to see them regularly because with 6 of my siblings still there, we will often go for dinner for each birthday. But I don't think they contribute very much to our kids IYGWIM. We're both closer to my MIL because she's less opinionated/judgemental than the other three. However I do email my mum a lot, particularly about health issues because she has issues as well but is still in the dark about what her prob is. ------------- |
Posted By: aimeejoy
Date Posted: 11 June 2008 at 7:35pm
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I had both sets of grandparents in my home town growing up and am/was much closer to maternal ones as mum went to visit them more regularly - a couple of times a week. Whereas we hardly ever went to see dads mum without dad so only went occassionally.
Same thing happening with my kids too - they probably see DHs parents a few times a week cos they constantly drop in, but I usually spend one whole day at mum and dads, every week or so. And I dont trust my ILs with Hannah for a whole day or overnight, so she spends longer periods with my mum, and is therefore closer. ------------- Aimee Hannah 22/10/05 Greer 11/02/08 |
Posted By: Mum2ET
Date Posted: 11 June 2008 at 8:04pm
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My parents are definitely closer to Ella than DH's parents who live in Oz- in fact they have never meet Ella. Every now we talk about taking Ella over to visit them, but money is a bit tight atm and to be honest since she was born they haven't really shown that much interest in her (which is odd considering that she is their 1st grandchilden and MIL was really excited when I got pregnant and over the moon when I told her I was having a girl). I figure it is easier for them to come and visit us rather than us go over then and I think they should be the ones to make the effect (they are quite young grandparents so it is not as if travelling is a bit issue for them). I feel sad that they haven't meet her, but they are the ones missing out of getting to know their gorgeous granddaughter. My parents on the other hand see Ella at least once a week (sometimes twice) and I can see Ella having a really good relationship with them. ------------- Mum to Ella (5) and Tom (2) |
Posted By: blondie
Date Posted: 11 June 2008 at 8:14pm
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Yeah my mum is really the only grandparent our kids have alot to do with (my dads dead) but DH father and mother are in the same town as us and have really no contact, we dont speak to the MIL but FIL we do but we take the kids to his business since we have moved back into town (about 8 months ago) he has never been around to see his grandkids. On the other hand my mum lives about 30 mins away and we have daily contact and shes either at our house once a week to stay or we go to hers.I'd be lost without my mummy. ------------- 
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Posted By: emz
Date Posted: 11 June 2008 at 8:20pm
I can already see that Jack is closer to my parents than DH's. First of all, his p.grandad has seen him once (he lives 4 hours away and doesnt really speak to any of his 4 sons) and p.grandmother is just as lazy in that she comes over every couple of months but spends about 2 hours in total (and always comes when she knows Jack will be in bed then expects us to wake him up  ). When she met him for the first time he was 2 weeks old and she spent a grand total of 1/2 hour with him getting photos with him then took off to go shopping.
So I hope Jack is closer to my parents, we see them 2 times a week usually and at least they're so excited to see Jack, not like MIL and FIL. But then again my DH is closer to my parents than his own parents. Sad but true (his parents really are crap). |
Posted By: Jennz
Date Posted: 11 June 2008 at 8:26pm
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Bang on for us- for me both sets of my grandparents lived in the same town and I was way closer to Mums parents. Now, the girls are way closer to mine. DH has a sister and his parents are far more involved with her children (they live in the same town rather than the other side of the world but even when we were only 1 1/2 away they hardly ever came to see us). ------------- Jen, Charlotte 7 & Kate 3 
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Posted By: kebakat
Date Posted: 11 June 2008 at 8:35pm
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My parents live 20 mins away whereas the in laws live in the same town.
Daniel sees the in laws more often and will spend a weekend day at their house every 3rd weekend or so. He doesn't see my parents that often but I think he likes my mum the most out of all the grandparents. Not sure why that is though. |
Posted By: Mazzy
Date Posted: 11 June 2008 at 8:40pm
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That would be true for us. Both my mum and Dh's parents live in the same town as us, but we see way more of my mum. She makes the effort to come see us here and offers us dinner/makes it easy to visit her at her place. She seems to be really observant of how we're doing and what our routines are with DD, which makes it all very easy. DH's parents live closer to us (drive past our house twice a day to and from work) and yet we would be lucky if they came around once a fortnight. They are lovely people but seem to have other priorities right now, which makes me sad that they don't realise they need to put the time in with their grandchildren now.
------------- Mum to two gorgeous girls! |
Posted By: Daizy
Date Posted: 11 June 2008 at 8:59pm
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We have both sets of Grandparents living really close. My parents are literally across the back yard and DH's are just around the corner. The girls definately see a lot more of my parents (sometimes I think Keira forgets that I'm her mum, not Granna, and she lives with us not them) but because we live so close (and they work) they dont often spend a lot of one on one time with her. Where as DH's parents, who are mostly at home, when they do see the girls they spend a lot of time focussed on them and have built up a really close bond. ------------- 
 
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Posted By: Paws
Date Posted: 11 June 2008 at 8:59pm
Maddie is definetly closer with my parents in law than my mum, I don't often see my mum for many reasons but we do make an effort to get to Whakatane as often as poss or see them when they are up here. Maddie loves her Nan and Poppa!!!! ------------- http://lilypie.com"> 
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Posted By: .Mel
Date Posted: 11 June 2008 at 9:20pm
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My parents live in Epsom/Royal Oak so they are 5mins drive down the road.
The outlaws are in Howick for another month. They informed us over the weekend that they are moving to Orewa, as you can imagine I'm really happy about that! They've just made it harder for themselves to see the kids as far as I'm concerned. There is no way we are trapsing up there every other weekend.. not with fuel costs the way they are.  ------------- Mr Mellow (16) Miss Attitude (8) Destructa Kid (3) 
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Posted By: Glow
Date Posted: 12 June 2008 at 8:54am
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I dont have my parents around anymore but my boys are closer to my Nan (their Great Nan) than the ILs. The ILs live in the same town & hardly see them & my Nan lives 20kms away, we see her weekly ------------- Mummy of Two Boys B: 2004 K: 2007 |
Posted By: Shorty
Date Posted: 12 June 2008 at 9:42am
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My boy is definately closer to my parents than the others.....
The outlaws live in the same town as us whereas my parents live 2 hours away. I said to DH last night, we need to make an effort.....but you know what why can't they come to us. It is too blardy hard to get a 2 year old to sit for 2 mins let alone 2 hours! Rant over........
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Posted By: MissAngel
Date Posted: 12 June 2008 at 9:45am
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Well, mum has been staying at my house since Thomas arrived (2 weeks) with her partner so I get lots of help. Matts parents live in chch and are about a 45min drive away. My dad lives in the bay of islands and is a 1:20 flight to auckland, then 35min flight to BOI. I hate being so far away from my dad, but the reality was that if I needed help, then moving to rangiora from auckland to be with mum was the best option.
I cant wait til Thomas is a bit more settled in a routine and I can fly up to see dad :D Will be nice for all of us! ------------- Alex, Thomas and Lily http://lilypie.com" rel="nofollow"> 
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Posted By: Roksana
Date Posted: 12 June 2008 at 9:56am
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When I was growing up I was closer to my Dad's parents because I lived in the same country and My Mums where in a diff country. So Geography made a difference. But having said that recently we tried to get close to my Mums Mum (and to make it clear my mum is not close to her mum) and we spend oads of money bringing her to NZ.....fell flat on our face and now we dont even talk to her. My dads mum is here and I am still very close to her.
Zaara is close to my Mum and Dad...dont know why? They live 5 min away from us and MIL (FIL paased away before DH and I got married) lives 20 min from us. We go to MIL for dinner once a week and to my parents once a week. But Zaara loves my parents and wont come home with us...on the other hand she is not so keen to go in to the house when we pull over at MIL's. Not sure why tho as both sets of G/Parents love Zaara to bits and spoil her rotten. I think Zaara is lucky to have her G/Parents so close by. ------------- http://lilypie.com"> 
http://lilypie.com"> 
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Posted By: BaAsKa
Date Posted: 12 June 2008 at 10:03am
WOW! click!! this makes so much sense to my situation!! mine is a long story but in short - DHs folks ALWAYS (like every weekend!) have DHs sisters 3 kids but they have only had Bay once in 4 years!! AND WE ALL LIVE IN THE SAME TOWN! my boys are closer to my mum especially bcos we live across the road and have lived with her for a year and she looks after the boys often. It has bugged me to no end about DHs folks but now after reading that i somehow get it...although i dont excuse it as they are adults and should show equal attention!
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pepsi wrote:Posted By: Jay_R
Date Posted: 12 June 2008 at 10:30am
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Growing up we had my paternal grandparents in the same town, and my maternal ones an hours drive away in Welly. Was definitely closer (or perhaps favoured) my mum's parents, but they passed away when I was in my teens, and since then I've become way closer with my dads parents. It was hard when I was younger, as my dad died when I was 5, and for whatever reason my mum and nana (dad's mum) had a massive falling out and didn't speak for about 15 years. They get on well now though thank goodness, and I love my nana to bits.
With Joshua, DP's parents are here in Auckland, and my mum in Welly so he obviously sees a lot more of the in-laws. And he totally adores them. But when we go to Welly, he just adores my mum too. I can see though that the inlaws will more than likely be favoured, which makes me a bit sad cos my mum is just the doting grandmother. Very hard living so far away. |