Under your roof...
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Category: General Chat
Forum Name: General Chat
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URL: https://www.ohbaby.co.nz/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=18240
Printed Date: 24 October 2025 at 11:23am
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Topic: Under your roof...
Posted By: fattartsrock
Subject: Under your roof...
Date Posted: 14 June 2008 at 10:08pm
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Ok, so the teen parents thread and some huge huge massive mind numbingly big and scary teenage issues we are having of our own righ tnow have got me thinking....
Lots of parents have the "If they are doing it under my roof (sex/smoking/drinking/parties etc) at least I know where they are thing going on. Myself? well, us? we have the not under my roof rule. WE have certain rules, and rules are rules they wil not be changing. We will NOT supply said teen with booze ( a bone of contention ATM) no girl/boyfriends staying over - yes, even at 18 I won't be down with that, lol, We will NOT host teen parties, you will NOT smoke in our home, and we will not buy you smokes etc. For us, its a respect thing as well. These are our rules, and yes you might be out rooting in cars, smoking and drinking, show me some respect by not doing it in my house as it is my rule. I'm not comfortable when I see threads on TMMB parents letting miss 16 or mr 16 boy/girl friend sleep over. *shudder* I don't think its a great idea to buy your 16 year old booze. Or smokes. Actually I don't think its a great idea for them to be at parties every weekend, really. Ok, so they will "do it" elsewhere. I'm not about to make it easy for them by providing the means and ways. Personally I think its about respecting your parents enought o know, well, those are their rules so that dosen't go down at their house. I really think society has gone madly permissive. Thoughts? ------------- The Honest Un PC Parent of 2, usually stuck in the naughty corner! :P |
Replies:
Posted By: my2angels
Date Posted: 14 June 2008 at 10:11pm
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teen parents thread?
Im not sure how I feel about this sort of thing yet, hubby and i were raised very differently so will be a interesting |
Posted By: lizzle
Date Posted: 14 June 2008 at 10:17pm
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i agree Annie. it's about parents appearing to say "yes this is acceptable"
I think everything has gotten too much about kids "esteem". we can't say no cause that will make them "feel bad". OT a bit but I had a parent rant and rave at me because her son hadn't passed - sorry hadn't achieved yet - an achievement standard. she told me I should pass him because if i didn't it would "Crush him" - she didn't seem to understand that there is a standard to be met - one I don't make up personally. She went off at me in front of him - and we wonder why kids have no respect for teachers. |
Posted By: fattartsrock
Date Posted: 14 June 2008 at 10:40pm
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Yeh I read the He'll be okay book by celia lashlie. She said that teen boys are parented by mothers who seem to think the rules (school and other I guess) apply to everyone BUT her son, and she is right...
Sorry, my2angels I meant the thread about young young girls planning babies.. I think its called is it just me. ------------- The Honest Un PC Parent of 2, usually stuck in the naughty corner! :P |
Posted By: fattartsrock
Date Posted: 14 June 2008 at 10:47pm
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I feel like its almost as if they are scared to say no? scared their child will hate them if they say no?
"back in my day" lol lol I was just too scared of my parents to go against their rules, lol. In hindsight, I can see that I wasn't scared of them, but of the consequenses of being caught, so if they said no I hated them, but I respected it. Now days its just a slap on the wrist with a wet bus ticket... DSS has had according to a phone call from the school on friday and a letter home, just 3 days, not even whole days at school in the last 3 bloody weeks. His mother knows about it. So what is he doing tonight? He's "on the pi$$" Great punishment. He barely comes here anymore because we have too many rules... we like to know where he is and who with, he has a curfew and we won't buy him booze. And after a vomiting through the house last winter and leaving it for me to clean up, and lying about why he was sick, he isn't allowed to go to parties when he stays here. ------------- The Honest Un PC Parent of 2, usually stuck in the naughty corner! :P |
Posted By: Shezamumof3
Date Posted: 14 June 2008 at 10:49pm
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My parents let my boyfriend sleep over when I was 16, but he had to sleep in the other room, i never snuck him into my room though, after we had been together a while he was allowed to sleep on the airbed in my room. We wernt having sex because I wasnt ready.
My mum had given me the "sex" talk and trusted me. I guess they would rather us be at home rather than out at a party getting drunk and doing it in a car. They were the same for my brother, but he went to parties and stuff, as long as they knew where he was and who he was with they didnt mind. I guess we were all trust worthy teenagers who didnt sleep around and stuff and mum and dad knew that and they raised us well. ------------- |
Posted By: fattartsrock
Date Posted: 14 June 2008 at 10:56pm
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yeh I hope that I will raise some trustworthy teenagers who are open and honest.! God willing. I am laying the foundations and hope it pays off.
I'm not some meglomaniac head in sand mum, either, I just don't feel its.... I don't know. I'm not comfortable with it at all. Truth is, I just don't feel comfortable with teen sex, to be honest. Where do you draw the line? Do you let the boyfriend that has been round from 14 stay over at 16 then they break up and do you let the new one stay over? ------------- The Honest Un PC Parent of 2, usually stuck in the naughty corner! :P |
Posted By: BuzzyBee
Date Posted: 14 June 2008 at 11:02pm
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I think you are taking a good approach Annie.
My parents have NEVER allowed smoking or alcohol in the house and are very against both. They don't drink nor smoke ...Dad might have a sip of wine at Xmas with his family but otherwise he doesn't drink. And we've never been allowed to have friends/bfs over to stay or visit. My parents are private people in that respect. I was always told that if I came home looking slightly under the influence or smelling of smoke I wouldn't be allowed inside. That seemed to work to some extent. However I did go out and get drunk/smoke behind their back, but only on 2 or 3 occasions (and I was 17yo +) ...and it wasn't my intent on doing so, I gave into peer pressure. And 2 of those times BAD things happened (re: males slipping something into drink etc etc and me ending up in WAIUKU out of all places at some guys house I didn't know ....my pants covered in blood & me absolutely sore/bruised down there - TMI I know ...but it happens so often to young girls. I had no recollection of what happened and my parents hadn't heard from me over a 24hour period and couldn't get hold of me as my phone was taken.They were worried & had rung cops - meh long story). But you get my gist, you can't really win either way, if you let it happen in your household it's like your condoning it, but if you put your foot down - teenagers will automatically go and rebel and put themselves in danger of the above and likewise happening to them. That night alone was enough to put me off both men AND alcohol. A couple times after that I might have had a drink or two but only in the company of females & I was being responsible. Nowadays I plain refuse to touch the stuff or be in a mile radius of people drinking and smoking. My brother is now 15 and no sign of him following the trend of teens smoking, drinking and doing drugs & partying. He stays at home 24/7 and is a computer fanatic. I guess at least this way we can guarantee he's not getting into any trouble. So out of all my rambling Annie, I guess I'm trying to say that my parents took your approach with us kids re: smoking, sex etc etc and it paid off in the drinking/smoking aspect. Let's forget I'm 20 and a solo mother  . Sure teens will go out and experiment behind your back - that's what teens do. But that's part of life, we learn from our mistakes.------------- Single Mum to a darling wee boy of 3 years :) |
Posted By: BuzzyBee
Date Posted: 14 June 2008 at 11:04pm
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Oh and my parents/family have always been incredibly open about sex. Maybe too open. I consider my mum my bestie (although sometimes she really peeves me off) and she knows about every guy I've been with and things I've done in my past. No secrets here .. ------------- Single Mum to a darling wee boy of 3 years :) |
Posted By: caitlynsmygirl
Date Posted: 14 June 2008 at 11:28pm
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I would rather Caitlyn didn't expect me to buy her alcohol when she was underage , and she better not be expecting me to buy cigarettes for her.
When i was 16 my friend's dad would buy my friend and i our smokes, i used to think he was so cool cos my mum wouldn't ,now that im (a tiny bit) older and wiser, im glad my parents took the different approach and refused, they were just being protective of me while they could. I think the main thing is communication, and showing your kids from an early age they can trust you enough for them to confide in you as for the underage sex thing, thats no problem, because you see , when she reaches puberty im actually putting her in a locked tower and she will only be allowed out when shes about 25 |
Posted By: BuzzyBee
Date Posted: 14 June 2008 at 11:31pm
ROFL  ------------- Single Mum to a darling wee boy of 3 years :) |
Posted By: caitlynsmygirl
Date Posted: 14 June 2008 at 11:43pm
.....who says im joking 
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Posted By: susieq
Date Posted: 15 June 2008 at 1:28am
| I love what you just said kelly yes we were trying to protect you while we could and I aam glad you wont buy alcahol for your daughter |
Posted By: Jennz
Date Posted: 15 June 2008 at 2:16am
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I am sh*t scared of my girls becoming teenagers!
Hmmm I can see where you're coming from but I must admit I'm more in middle territory with this. I want our house to be somewhere really welcoming where they feel ok about hanging out. I feel happy about giving them space as, to a certain extent, I feel better knowing they are safe at home rather than out and possibly in unsafe situations. In saying that, there will be no smoking, no full on parties, no boyfriends sleeping over and no sex going on! I am ok about them having a few drinks- (by few, I literally mean 2 or 3) as again, I would rather know they are experimenting where I can keep an eye on them. I don't mind them having a few friends over, as long as they're kids I know and they (and their parents) know our house rules. As far as the alcohol goes- I do see it as a safety issue. They are going to drink, and young teenage girls and alcohol do not mix well- I remember myself being in some situations that I would be terrified to ever see my girls in, thankfully I have always been lucky. I would rather they can learn to drink responsibly in a somewhat controlled environment. It was insane how many girls who hadn't been allowed to drink when they lived at home went absolutely OTT nuts as soon as they were 'free'. Obviously we are trying to lay the groundwork now by mirroring the behaviour we would like to see and we will educate them about it all as much as we can. I had a really close open relationship with my Mum- I feel like she got a really good balance of rules vs letting me learn my own lessons. I knew I could always come to her and she didn't just say 'No, you can't do that'- she talked to me about things, explained the dangers and let me make my own choices. Teens are all about rebelling, if you flat out say no then all they're going to want to do is exactly what you're forbidding- its how they're wired! They don't yet have the ability to fully judge the long term consequences of their actions. I see what you're saying about not wanting to provide the means, I just think of teenagers hanging out drinking in parks and having sex in bushes and the thought of that being my girls just horrifies me. Heres hoping we're laying the foundations that that kind of behaviour is avoided, but if the alternative to that is them having a couple of RTDs and us having to provide a teenage space then I would much rather deal with that! My long term plan is to make them really geeky and into books. As soon as they turn 13 they are both getting braces (full set of steel ones, even if they don't need them), same with glasses and I'll dress them terribly. I'll make them join the chess club at school and get them horrendous haircuts and we should be sorted!  ------------- Jen, Charlotte 7 & Kate 3 
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Posted By: ellen
Date Posted: 15 June 2008 at 9:19am
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Interesting subject! Even though I have teenagers I haven't had to worry about the girlfriend sleeping over thing - yet. Not sure where I stand on that but definitely not before the age of 18 - after that would have to play by ear?
They have to respect our house/our rules. We haven't had to approach the smoking/partying yet but they can have a can of beer when we're having some sort of gathering with friends. We did have an incident with our eldest on his 14th birthday when him and his mates had been given some pot at school and they'd smoked it at his birthday party (went dow the road to play "spotlight"). I took him with me to all the other parents houses to let them know what they'd been up to (I'd want to know if it happened in reverse) and threatened to call the cops if he didn't tell me where he got it from as he couldn't remember - worked a treat as he came back to me 5 minutes later to spill the beans. I'm really thankful for that experience (even though I'd rather it hadn't happen) as it opened my naive eyes as I'd never even considered he would do it in a million years. Jennz you put that so well. I was sh*t scared of my kids getting to those teenage years. But you know what, you grow with them and it's not like you've suddenly given birth to teenagers. I only have boys (and I hate to say this) so I think I'd feel differently if I had a girl? Children of all ages need firm boundaries and expectations so that they know when they push the boundary that the fence is still in the same place - gives them security. As they get older we have to move the fence further out so they can experience and learn consequences. I can always remember my parents telling me that they wanted to know where I was going/who I was with (and saying no to things I wanted to do as a teen) because they loved me. At the time I wished for parents who didn't love me but obviously once I became a parent I understood. My boys have been rather slow developers which has been a blessing but in saying that we haven't pushed them to be "cool" by making a big deal out of trendy clothes, hairstyles, etc. They're real home bodies which I selfishly encourage - so maybe they'll go crazy in their late teens? Celia Lashlie's book is a great read if you have boys - totally recommend it. I've learnt to pull back from the parenting and let their father step up - he allows them to try things I would shield them from. |
Posted By: busymum
Date Posted: 15 June 2008 at 5:17pm
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We will have standards that matter for our house, ie no sex (unless we have our married children come to visit!!), no drugs, no swearing, no negotiations! But we also want to be open to talking about those things if our kids do decide to hop off the "straight and narrow" and perhaps get pg or whatever... you get the picture.
As for alcohol, I think it's all fine once you are of age and in moderation. So we will probably encourage our kids to have a glass with us with special dinners or whatever, and I don't think we'd fuss at the odd beer or whatever. But there will be limits imposed on that if necessary. -------------  |
Posted By: newmum
Date Posted: 15 June 2008 at 5:21pm
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I was allowed my boyfriend to sleep over at 16. I think it's acceptable. I think it would be different if it was one night stands the kid is bringing home.
Otherwise pretty much what Jenna said of course ROFL ------------- http://lilypie.com"> 
http://lilypie.com"> 
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Posted By: caliandjack
Date Posted: 15 June 2008 at 5:36pm
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I'm pretty much middle of the road too.
My mum took the stance of not in my house, and well that only meant I got up to all sorts of stuff somewhere else, and the legal drinking age was 20 when I was a teenager. Mum was always pretty good about having friends over, and boyfriends were allowed to stay but not in the same room. She might not have known exactly what I was up to, but at least she knew who I was with. I now have a young niece approaching the teenage years and she wants to 'get drunk and have hang overs' her words. Which whilst normal also kinda scary. One rule my parents did have is that if I ever needed to be picked up no matter what time of night they would come and get me, and I'd do the same. Then at least I know they'll get home safely and not end up in a car with someone who has been drinking. The worries me most. ------------- http://lilypie.com" rel="nofollow">   [/url] Angel June 2012 |
Posted By: JadeC
Date Posted: 15 June 2008 at 6:02pm
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I think it's fine to be somewhere in between. Like, smoking will never be ok in my house, I hate it. But drinking? My parents would occasionally buy me alcohol from abotu 16 onwards, about 3 whole drinks, and I've always had a very healthy relationship with alcohol. Compare that to a friend that had to hide hers, was drinking straight vodka and ended up in the A& E wtih alcohol poisoning. I really do think we need to create a realistic relationship with alcohol, so that people don't automatically go crazy when they do get access to it. ------------- http://pregnancy.baby-gaga.com/" rel="nofollow"> 
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Posted By: Maya
Date Posted: 15 June 2008 at 6:07pm
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I agree with your original post in it's entirety Annie. Yes, teenagers will find ways and places of doing these things behind our backs, but I am certainly not about to enable it by making it acceptable in our home. I think in situations like ours it's hard too coz you have a teenager (or more!) in the same household as younger kids so you have to consider the example that you're setting for the younger kids as well. My parents were far more accomodating when my younger brother and sister wanted to drink/smoke etc. than they were with me and my older brother (younger than me but older than my younger brother IYGWIM) and their reasoning was always that what we did had an influence on the younger two and that what was appropriate for us at 16/17/18 wasn't necessarily appropriate for them at 12/13/14.
My parents didn't do a great job of parenting my brother and I as teenagers. Not that I blame them for that, we were completely evil, awful human beings, but they responded badly. They did learn from that tho and did much better with my younger brother and sister. My non-negotiables under my roof (and I say *my* coz Willie is far more permissive, but unfortunately for him it's not HIS roof) are smoking, drugs and sex. The alcohol one I'll deal with when it comes to it coz we have a long and complicated family history where alcohol is concerned and I'm still undecided as to how to approach it with the kids. ------------- Maya Grace (28/02/03)
 (02/01/06)
The Gremlins:Sienna Marie & Mercedes Kailah (14/10/06)
Lil miss:Chiara Louise Chloe (09/07/08)
Her ladyship:Rosalia Sophie Anais (18/06/12)
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Posted By: fattartsrock
Date Posted: 15 June 2008 at 7:48pm
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Yeah the alcohol in moderation thing I'm ok with, i guess, we have let SS have a can or two when we are having an occasion at home and we are having one, I'm all for responsible drinking, but I totally draw the line at purchasing alcohol and sending him off to parties that aren't supervised and have tonnes of older kids there.
Like Jenna, I am also going to raise nerds. I plan on starting Jake at dancing later this year, so.... ------------- The Honest Un PC Parent of 2, usually stuck in the naughty corner! :P |
Posted By: linda
Date Posted: 15 June 2008 at 8:02pm
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We'll be facing this in about 10 years but even then in 10 years time I would agree with what you have said plus drinking in moderation. ------------- http://lilypie.com"> 
Alex 6 and Harry 8 |
Posted By: WRXnKids
Date Posted: 15 June 2008 at 8:34pm
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Im probably going to get a bollocking for my opinion but i believe there is such a thing as being too strict on these things. Teenagers will find a way to do all of these things whether you want them to or not i believe it should be do you want them to be safe while they do? I am the oldest of my sisters and my parents brought us all up with the same rules.
Drinking - We were aloud to have a drink with our parents from about 14 or 15 (they set a pretty good example of drinking responsibly well mum did) if we asked and from 16 if we went out drinking or had a few friends over for drinks they supplied us with our drinks so they knew how much we were drinking as we didnt need to get others to buy our booze for us. The times i was banned i tended to find a way to go anyway normally by staying at a mates place but that wasnt often. It probably helped that i had a close group of mates both female and male and they were always at my parents so they knew i was well looked after. Sex - Since male mates were never not aloud at our place i wasnt worried about my first serious bf not being aloud round and i was with him about a month before anything happened with us. Mum was very open before we even got to that stage and talked to me about going on BC and that she would much rather things happened under her roof where it was safe and protected. My bf practically moved in a couple months later and we were together over 2 years after that if i was going anywhere my parents werent worried as he was looking out for me (i was 16 he was 21) Smoking - Noone in my family not even extended family smoke so we were never exposed to it. We were told smoking is bad and is very harmful to us and we were not to smoke. I know we all at one time tried it with mates but we all hated it and none of us are smokers. I will be the same with my boy but once he is over 18 its up to him and it will never be inside my house. I agree with my parents approach completely its not like there was total freedom i was punished if i took anything to far ie curfews but my parents mostly trusted my judgment. The kids i seen in the worst states were the ones from strict families and if they didn't find a way when they were 16 as soon as they were 18 or moved out they were the ones in trouble when out drinking. Im not saying anyones approach is wrong just that what works for one child may not work for another but i do believe as parents you should be a little bit flexible. Ok im not sure if ive made sense or explained myself properly now as ive had to keep going away and returning later to write this -------------   
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Posted By: tishy
Date Posted: 15 June 2008 at 9:23pm
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Smoking will be a definite no no in our house. Alcohol and sex I'm not sure about yet.
Our intention is to bring them up in a way that there will be no taboo subjects. I would prefer for them to know they can talk to us about anything rather than hiding things from us. Drinking was taboo in my home growing up , which made me more inclined to do the binge drinking at the weekends. I won't have a problem with them having a drink before they're 18, just not copious amounts. Hopefully we can make them level headed enough that they won't have the desire to go off to a party with a 2L bottle of Cider (  ) or a bottle of vodka ( ).
As for sex, ideally I would love to say 'not under my roof' however realistically it will definitely be after 6 - 12 months of the BF being on the scene. That would be age dependent too. |
Posted By: fattartsrock
Date Posted: 15 June 2008 at 10:25pm
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I think, for me, its that we have to have rules and boundires, or else, we are just the tallest people in the house (and the ones who pay the bills)
I came from and EXTREMELY EXTREMELY strict house, lol. I don't plan on going down that road, but I do plan on having a firm hand. I just need to see SS and his friends and children of DH's friends who have next to no rules and boundries, parents too tied up in their own stuff to care, and see what I don't want for us. Good to read others opinions! ------------- The Honest Un PC Parent of 2, usually stuck in the naughty corner! :P |
Posted By: Mama2two
Date Posted: 15 June 2008 at 10:53pm
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Sam is being locked up in her room until she meets a nice boy (that we have introduced her too) and marries him and then and only then can she move out
In all seriousness though, my Mum died when I was 15 and my Dad was useless at the rules side of things. I was sneaking out of the house at 16 to meet (as well as other things  ) boys etc in the middle of the night and wouldn't want Sam to get involved in the sort of things I did at that age.
I just hope that she has enough sense of self and we do a good enough job bringing her up that it doesn't become an issue. And if all else fails I will go back to plan A (see above)  ------------- http://lilypie.com"> 
http://lilypie.com"> 
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Posted By: emz
Date Posted: 15 June 2008 at 11:44pm
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I was brought up in a flexible environment and it worked well. I think that everyone will try most things sometime in their lives and personally I would rather if my child was to do something that I could be there to pick up the pieces or whatever. I really appreciate the role my parents played (and my grandparents too) which made me feel like I could come to them if I was in trouble, whereas some of my friends who were from strict households had real issues if they were to 'disappoint' their parents.
I'd like to think I'll be the type of parent that my parents were, but we'll see... But just like the whole abstinence message, 'ring thing' etc thing doesn't work for teenage pregnancies in the states, keeping your head in the sand won't work on these issues either. Just m2c anyway.
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Posted By: Rachael21
Date Posted: 16 June 2008 at 10:23am
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My parents wouldn't let bfs stay over until I was 16 I think and even then they had to sleep in another room. I had a lot of male friends tho and we used to have 'sleepovers' all the time and we would all sleep in the lounge.
Mum never bought me alcohol except one pack of rtds for the formal (same for my sisters). They did have a liquor cabinet that I used to help myself from tho (without permission obviously). Mum knew I drank after coming home hung over most weekends but she never bought it for me and I always had a curfew of 12. We lived in the country so I had to be picked up after every party anyway. It was fine because I still got to have fun I just wasn't out wandering the streets. Smoking was a no no even when she knew I smoked I wasn't allowed to smoke on the property. Education is also quite important here. I haven't quite figured out how I'm going to keep them in school but I hope they both finish high school at least. Ben left at 15 and thinks thats OK if our kids want to. I wanted to leave so badly but parents wouldn't let me so I ended up staying and getting a b bursary which suprised everyone. I think my parents did a pretty good job with us and will probably use the same rules for my kids. |
Posted By: Maya
Date Posted: 16 June 2008 at 11:08am
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We have that same argument here Rach, Willie left school at 14 and worked on the forestry with his Dad till he was old enough to get his HT license and he's been driving trucks ever since so he doesn't see the importance of making the kids finish school. It bugs him no end that I earn more than he does, but he doesn't seem to be able to equate that with the fact that I finished school and went to uni and did a degree. He keeps telling Mona she can leave school at the end of the year when she turns 16, so it's a tough one for me trying to convince her to stay so she at least has some options when she finishes. ------------- Maya Grace (28/02/03)
(02/01/06)
The Gremlins:Sienna Marie & Mercedes Kailah (14/10/06)
Lil miss:Chiara Louise Chloe (09/07/08)
Her ladyship:Rosalia Sophie Anais (18/06/12)
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Posted By: WRXnKids
Date Posted: 16 June 2008 at 12:35pm
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I would only let my son leave school early if he had full-time employment/apprenticeship or enrolled in a tech course or something and if he stopped any of those he would be straight back to school. I dont believe school is for everyone so would support my child if he wanted to leave but definitely not to just sit round home doing nothing or going nowhere. -------------
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Posted By: MummyFreckle
Date Posted: 16 June 2008 at 12:48pm
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I think its an great topic, and its interesting that most of us want to do things differently to our parents. I was pretty lucky with my mum, she was very open with me and my brother, and had the approach that we were going to do it anyway, so she would rather know we were safe and doing it responsibly. I went halfs with them on a double bed when I was 17 and I had b/f's over to stay when I was 17/18. But I had been in and out of home for a while at that stage. In terms of alcohol, my father had a problem with it, so think that I was a lot more "aware" of the dangers of "getting trashed". I went out and partied a lot, but never tried to hide it from my mum at all, and never broke my curfew. If I was going to be late for some reason I would always phone to let her know, and I would always let her know I was home when I got in (in fact I still do this now if I am staying with her for any reason!) Drugs were never really an issue either, but my mum was open about pot (ie she discussed it with us) and had a view that we were going to try it at some stage, so why not make sure we were educated about it. I think because my mum was so open with us about sex, drugs and alcohol, I didnt feel the need to "rebel" against her. My mum is still my best friend and I have always been able to talk to her about anything, she took me to get the pill when I was 16 1/2 even though I wasnt having sex at that point, I had a boyfriend who I had been seeing for 6mths who was a lot older than me, so she knew it was going to happen at some stage. I always respected her for making that decision, and I really hope that I can be as open and accepting of things with my kids. I dont intend to "battle" against the inevitable, but would like to think that I will educate them enough to make sensible and informed choices, and not succumb to peer pressure.
------------- http://lilypie.com">  http://lilypie.com">
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Posted By: Roksana
Date Posted: 16 June 2008 at 1:40pm
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Oh GOD!!
My life was very different, I was not allowed boyfriends I was not allowed to go to parties and not allowed tgo drink or smoke. My parents were very hard on that. However I was use to it and so had little complains. I started to go out with my Dh at 20. Mum knew but Dad didnt. He would come and pick me up from home and help Dad paint the house or what ever but Dad though he was a very good friend. Partly because he was from a diff religion. Mum warned me it will be a problem later. I didnt have sex with him because I wasnt ready ..but I did before we got married (IF my parents knew they would have killed me). but I was like 21 at the time. My brother was given way too much freedom and he was living with his g/Friends at my parents place. He was 20. I was very angry with my parents as I felt that they were unfair with me. My brother started drinking and smoking and partying at 15. But again its an Indian thing...boys can what ever the hell they wants and girls cant. So I have decided that no matter what gender my children are they will be treated the same. I will not accept living with B/G Friend...no smoking ever (I will kill them)...and no drinking till 18. My DH says that its ok if they drink at 16. I told him I will divorse him if he gave them drinks. Not while I am alive. I guess I am very Indian that way. If I turned out OK then they will too. I also think that if we install thes things in them early then they can use their own judgement. Well I can only hope. I too worry about what will happen when my kids reach that age. But I still have a few years to prepare my self and the kids!!
ETA : I cant spell...LOL ------------- http://lilypie.com"> 
http://lilypie.com"> 
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Posted By: fattartsrock
Date Posted: 16 June 2008 at 3:35pm
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I'm totally with the informed chices thing, we were given little to no information about anything, so it was all foreign to us.
Granted, I have lived a wild life, but I did so when I had a job and had moved out of home, and the times I did go back home, even in my 20's I still respected the no overnight guests thing etc. ------------- The Honest Un PC Parent of 2, usually stuck in the naughty corner! :P |
Posted By: mummy_becks
Date Posted: 16 June 2008 at 3:47pm
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I have had a think about this and... I think I was brouhgt up in quite a liberal house. Alcohol was always there (my parents went overseas ever year and brought back dutyfree all the time), my dad was a rum and beer drinker and my mum was wine and gin. We were alway allowed to "try" their drinks so we knew what alcohol was growing up. I do this with both my boys now. Andrew knows he doesn't like it, but Josh onthe other hand is going to be my one to watch as he loves beer Smoking, well my parents stopped smoking when I came along so their never smoked (I think my dad was a few years after I came along as I have photos of me and him and he has smokes in his hands) around us. but my aunties and uncles did smoke so it was around us. I smoke now but only outside (I think someing inside is just gross Sex, that was something that I didn't want to do under my parents roof so I am unsure of that. ------------- I was a puree feeder, forward facing, cot sleeping, pram pushing kind of Mum... and my kids survived! |
Posted By: emz
Date Posted: 16 June 2008 at 4:00pm
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Just reading someone's post above, I definitely feel like my mum is one of my best friends and that is definitely due to the fact that when I reached maturity (at about 16/17 when I left school and continued studying at night while working, paying board etc before I moved out) she treated me like an adult. When DH and I lived with them for a year before we got married (saving for a house at the time) my parents made a point of treating us with the upmost respect and like adults.
I don't think teens (or anyone for that matter) learn to make decisions for themselves unless they see the consequences of their actions through themselves, their friends or their family members. You can't just tell someone 'don't do it because I said so' and think that they'll abstain for the rest of their lives because mum said so. I liked the fact that mum and dad could go away for the weekend and know that we wouldn't raid their liquor cabinet as they would buy our own stuff to drink, the house wouldn't get trashed etc. They were all up for parties as long as they knew how many people were coming and who they were. Some of my friends whose parents were so incredibly strict got into the liquor cabinet and bringing guys around at every opportunity when the parents left. So I guess you need to weigh those things up. Each to their own though, but I think with both of us being very sociable drinkers that Jack is going to see it, experience it etc etc and I would rather he does that with us. Plus if they wait and have their first experience at a party or in town, get completely smashed and end up lying in a gutter or worse then that would be terrible. |
Posted By: Kels
Date Posted: 16 June 2008 at 4:15pm
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This is different a thread of issues l have been thinking over since my daughter is now official a teenager. I am hoping Ihave given her all the right guidence and tolls for her to make the right decisions. Smoking under age will always be a no no and I would be very dissappointed if any of my kids chose to smoke around me once they were of age. Drinking, I let Lesieli have half a glass of wine at my sisters 21st when we were in Dunedin, she hated it but drank it all. I very seldom drink so dont have a lot of alcohol in the house. I have no idea what I would do if she wanted to have a few wines at 16 years old, have plenty of time to figure out what type of teen I have on my hands lol Sex sex sex well here is a whole other ball game. I started at 13, was preg at 14 and had MC all alone with only my 15year old Bfriend to sneak me to his doctors the day after a night worth of the most excrusitating pain I hav ever felt. My mum was very strict that se was a no no till at least 21. I got preg and finally had to tell her and deal with a raving luniatic for days. Throught this whole time I didnt know where to go for STI information, contraception info and support when BF 25 years brother raped me. I was too ashamed to tell my friends I was having sex (no one else I knew was that I know of). If only I had been able to turn to mum. After all I have gone thru my views on teens and sex is probably a lot differnt than most. I want my kids to be able to come to me at any age or stage of life and be able to discuss sex an anything along those lines. I always want the lines of communication to be open without the barriers of judgement and fear in the way. I hope with all my heart I have brought my kids up with enough self respect that they will make the right choices for them. In saying that If my 14 year old said she want to have sex with her boyfriend I would give her all the legal facts, health facts but support her decision no matter what. Just my humble opinion and again I think a lot of our own unique parenting styles come frim our own experiences with no ones right or wrong. ------------- http://lilypie.com"> 
Busy mum to Miss 15yrs, Miss 10yrs and Master 4yrs |
Posted By: ellen
Date Posted: 16 June 2008 at 4:57pm
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I remember my older brother (a couple of years older than me) being able to do much more than I was when I got to his age and it really peed me off.
I don't have girls but if I did I think I might treat them differently to the boys (which also pees me off). Also think it depends on where you come in the family as my eldest brother and sister were the crash test dummies and pushed all the boundaries. So by the time the youngest three of us became teens we were wise enough to keep under the radar and by that time our parents had were more relaxed about stuff. Do you think you'd treat boys and girls differently? |
Posted By: SMoody
Date Posted: 16 June 2008 at 6:15pm
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You know I keep on coming back to this thread and dont know what to say. We have sort of an idea what we would like, what we hope for, what we pray wont happen, and if it has to happen what we will do, and stuff that we dont even want to think about and just hoping and praying and begging wont ever happen.
Now the normal stuff: alcahol. We are following my dad's example. He gave us the foam of beer in tot glasses. He allowed us a glass of red wine or white wine with a Sunday meal now and then. He never ever in his life got drunk but drank really responsible. Never ever drank even one beer before driving. McKayla has had beer and wine so far and she will continue to have it. I am not about to supply to a party or even to other peoples kids when they visit us, just as I would not like another parent to give my child something to consume that I wont agree with.) Smoking: Well I must admit I am seriously anti smoking and I dont know what I will do if they have to start. I hope to scare the hell out of her beforehand and to me this will be a thing about trust. I cant stop her but she will know that I definately wont be supplying it. If I catch it on her before legal age I might even consider reporting it if she doesnt stop. Yes I will be quite mean. That is what I would like to do (obviously if other methods dont work ect.) If I will do it. I dont know I am not there yet. Sex: I always told my dad I will wait for the right guy. I had oppurtunities and I just never did. For myself I did wait. Grant didnt but he had a total different life to me. I might be old fashioned in my believes ect but I do feel it is still a lot different for a girl than a guy. I dont think it is right but it is what it is. I would love for her to wait until she is ready and I dont think it even happens at the age of 16 and 17. They are not fully developed yet to make those choices ect but I hope she knows she can come to me for advice. I might not always agree ect but I hope I will never ever make my child wonder about my love for her. Dating: Boys are more than welcome but not in the rooms. If they say have to work in a room due to a pc being there the door must be open. Cant think of anything else right now. Drugs. That is plainly just not allowed and I will go to the full extent. Education is really important and they will be going to school or finish some sort of education otherwise they will learn what the real world is about and go back to school really quickly. But I have changed so much since just having her that we will have to see in the future. ------------- http://lilypie.com"> 
http://lilypie.com"> 
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Posted By: Maya
Date Posted: 16 June 2008 at 7:36pm
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The problem with alcohol in our house is that it was far too normal. Dad would let us have a very weak vodka and orange or gin and lemonade from about 9/10 years, but then he would leave the bottle on the bench and we'd sneakily help ourselves to more. By 12/13 we were helping ourselves in the liquor cabinet and filling the gin bottles up with water.
Now out of 4 kids, I am a recovering alcoholic, my brother is a recovering addict who still has a problem with alcohol and my youngest brother has recently stopped drinking completely coz he didn't like the way it was starting to take over his life. My sister is the only one who seems to have taken after Mum and avoided the alcohol addiction. Add in the fact that Willie also has had issues with alcohol and you'll see why the whole topic makes me nervous where my kids are concerned! ------------- Maya Grace (28/02/03)
(02/01/06)
The Gremlins:Sienna Marie & Mercedes Kailah (14/10/06)
Lil miss:Chiara Louise Chloe (09/07/08)
Her ladyship:Rosalia Sophie Anais (18/06/12)
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Posted By: blondie
Date Posted: 16 June 2008 at 7:48pm
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Interesting...
I was really lucky with my mum (same as simsam) I had my first BF at 13/14 and was with him for about 2 years so mum knew we were having sex and would rather we where at home being safe rather than the back seat of a car etc etc I had my own car when I was about 16/17 and yes went to parties, the rules were no drinking and driving and if I did drink just phone mum and tell her then i'd stay there (at the party)for the night grew up at a beach I would like to think I to could and would be as libaral as my mum was to me but I have many years to think of about that. I'd rather be open hears than close minded. Just my views... ------------- 
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Posted By: emz
Date Posted: 16 June 2008 at 7:49pm
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Oh Maya so sorry I didn't realise but at least you're recovering and thats the main thing.
I had my first whiskey at 6 and when I was a teen I often had a whiskey with dad (I got paid to make them for him lol) but it definitely was all about moderation. I guess we were lucky in a way that mum hid a lot of dad's problems from us as he got so used to his pain meds that the only way he could sleep would be to take an overdose of pills or drink. But it was always after we went to bed. Smoking: I would never supply cigarettes. I am a smoker (have hardly had any since having Jack and didn't smoke during the pregnancy) and have smoked since I was 10 but hid it from my parents until I was 18. So even if you don't condone it, kids find a way around it! Let's just hope that by the time our babies are teens that smoking is so taboo or even better illegal. Would do me the world of good too! |
Posted By: Maya
Date Posted: 16 June 2008 at 8:00pm
Don't be sorry, I'm not! Like you say, recovering is the main thing! 6 years sober last month 
I feel for you with your dad, alcoholism just corrodes families. My grandfather was an alcoholic, and it's debateable whether my Dad is or not, he'd never admit it, and he is high functioning, runs a company etc. he just can't live without alcohol. ------------- Maya Grace (28/02/03)
(02/01/06)
The Gremlins:Sienna Marie & Mercedes Kailah (14/10/06)
Lil miss:Chiara Louise Chloe (09/07/08)
Her ladyship:Rosalia Sophie Anais (18/06/12)
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Posted By: fattartsrock
Date Posted: 16 June 2008 at 8:08pm
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Ok, now I feel like I need to clarify my stance, cos I feel like maybe you think I'm a bit head in the sand? I most certainly don;t think that the children won't do someting just because I said, that is for sure!
Alcohol. We drink socially, we allow SS to have a beer if we are having a BBQ drinks thing at home, but no more than, say, 3 over the night. He isn't allowed to go to parties when he stays here, Nor will we buy him alcohol (enable him). Reason? He has proven on a couple of seperate occasions when we have allowed him to go to parties that he cannot be trusted, that he is not mature enough to deal with the situation or the consequenses. One time, he had a curfew of midnight and didn't arrive home till 7 the next morning. Then there is the fights and the police and the vomiting through the house and leaving me to clean it up and lying about it all, and total dishonesty as to who he is with and where he is going. Also, he is REALLY REALLY unbearable the next day and a real horror to all of us, especially the children, and that just isn't acceptable. Jake and Charlotte will also be given a chance to prove their trustworthyness. Not before they are 16, though. Smoking. I hate it with a passion and I really really hope none of our kids do it. However, if they do smoke, the rules for them will be the same as it is for every other person we know. Not ever in the house. Sex I will be open with my children, very open with them, and I hope they feel they can come to me anytime. However, I will not allow them to be in a situation in my home that means closed doors with members of the opposite sex (we already have that rule here anyway) and I am not comfortable with the idea of my children having sex in my house, so no, there will be no B/G friends staying at home. I don't believe that as parents it is our job to provide a place for them to have sex. If they are chooseing to have sex, I hope they can come to me, and we can make them safe, but I will not be providing the situation. (enableing them) Lol cn you imagine the situation mum, can you and dad go out tonight and stay out late as joey is coming over and we wnat to go at it like rabbits int he lounge. Oh, sure honey, so you need me to get you some more chocolate love paint? NO WAY! Drugs The rule here is no how no way. While you are at school and under our roof, it is a no no. We will talk to the kids about drugs and be very open, we already do so with SS and the why you shouln't etc... Yes, I have lived a wild life and tried almost everything there is to try, I NEVER EVER did it at home, and I was well over 20, working and living away from home, and fully understood what would happen if I got caught. ------------- The Honest Un PC Parent of 2, usually stuck in the naughty corner! :P |
Posted By: Maya
Date Posted: 16 June 2008 at 8:10pm
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I don't think you are head in the sand Annie, like I said, I agree completely with your original post, sounds like you have similar ideas to me on most things. It's just the alcohol one that's tricky for us. The rest are non negotiables. ------------- Maya Grace (28/02/03)
(02/01/06)
The Gremlins:Sienna Marie & Mercedes Kailah (14/10/06)
Lil miss:Chiara Louise Chloe (09/07/08)
Her ladyship:Rosalia Sophie Anais (18/06/12)
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Posted By: fattartsrock
Date Posted: 16 June 2008 at 8:13pm
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Yeah and after my SIL and her battle with alcoholisim that ended with her taking her own life it has made me reevaluate the importance of alcohol in society and how we can change that. In our house it is a privledge not a right, as with everything else. I don't see why 16 year olds need to go out EVERY weekend drinking. And no, I didn't do that. I think I am alot older than some of you on here, and things were differnt in our day, honestly, lol. ------------- The Honest Un PC Parent of 2, usually stuck in the naughty corner! :P |
Posted By: ellen
Date Posted: 16 June 2008 at 8:42pm
| I agree Annie - kids seem to grow up faster than in my day too. The most important thing I think is to stick to whatever the rules are 'cause once you allow something you've set a precedence. Easier said than done with some kids though. |