Relationship Issue -Help Needed
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URL: https://www.ohbaby.co.nz/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=19574
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Topic: Relationship Issue -Help Needed
Posted By: FionaS
Subject: Relationship Issue -Help Needed
Date Posted: 28 July 2008 at 9:44pm
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Let me first say that I know there are 2 sides to every story but I am REALLY upset about the way a key person in my life has been treating me. For the record it isn't DH - he is luffly. Here is a run-down of the events (loooong):
1. A discussion about toilet training. This person says they "just have to say something and have been very concerned for the last few months as Elle should've been tt at 1, certainly by now. It is disgraceful and unfair on her". I mention in a friendly, and gentle way that it is interesting that kids used to train earlier as my friends kids tend to be training at around 2 or 3. This person flies off the handle, yelling at me and saying "I'm always wrong, I'm useless, I'm not worth to anyone, get out. You are cruel and horrible". 2. I didn't sleep one night last week and took the day off work. I was very upset, in tears and had to txt this person to say I couldn't attend a group activity on the weekend. I said that I was over-tired and not coping as a result but wanted time to process my thoughts re: Elle's sleep issues before talking it through. Well, this person texted me back and said "of course, once again, I am useless, you need someone but I am no good. Fine. I'm out of your life for good". 3. This person left a gift in our letterbox for Elle. I texted (said person won'r answer their phone) and said "thanks heaps, it is fantastic. You would've been very welcome to visit and see Elle when you dropped it over". It was intended as an Olive branch despite the aweful things said to me over the last week. The reply I just got " Rub in how useless I am why don't you. I can't do anything right. I will never ever make contact with you ever again. Good bye for good" I am so upset. This person is as good as my only family. This person has pushed away all other friends etc over the years and has major, major issues about their own worth. I have loved them unconditionally and tried really hard to watch every work I say as if I ever so much as voice a different opinion, even on the weather they take it personally and tell me how aweful I am. They twist absolutely everything I say. This has happened constantly for years now. DH thinks it is emotional abuse. What do you think? I just don't know what to do....nothing I say seems to help, but if I give it time I fear this person may do something silly...they threaten to often.  ------------- Mummy to Gabrielle and Ashley |
Replies:
Posted By: mummy_becks
Date Posted: 28 July 2008 at 9:53pm
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I agree with your DH there ir is emotional abuse and something you don't need at the moment.
------------- I was a puree feeder, forward facing, cot sleeping, pram pushing kind of Mum... and my kids survived! |
Posted By: Phat_Cat
Date Posted: 28 July 2008 at 9:57pm
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sweetheart as hard as it is you dont need people like that in your life. It was totally uncalled for what she said re the toilet training alot of mothers like to wait for the summer to toilet train their children as its a bit easier, the child is yours and its you that will know when she is ready to be toilet trained nobody else every child is different.
Its her problem if shes pushed away all her friends and it is emotional abuse for her to be saying :oh im worthless, nobody likes me etc, etc" unfortunately only she can change her situation no one else but neither do you need the guilt trips that she is putting you on. She should of understood and maybe felt even a bit guilty that you felt compelled to pull out of the weekends activity. You have been nothing but nice towards her and youve tried your best and tried to be supportive but theres only so much you can do and you cant control her actions shes chosen to be like this.... *HUGS* ------------- Tristen - 24/06/07 Rylan - 11/12/08 Angel Babies -14/08/05 & 21/01/2010 Curtis - 26/02/12 |
Posted By: FionaS
Date Posted: 28 July 2008 at 9:58pm
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I know this person is hurting and has no-one other than me so I always find a way to make amends but have never had an apology and each time it happens I get more and more upset. I'm not one to hold grudges an tend to see the very best in people hence why I always make amends but I have to admit it is getting hard.
I'm very close to this person so the things they say impact me deeply. I know it shouldn't be about me...they need support and so I should keep offering it no matter what but it's hard. ------------- Mummy to Gabrielle and Ashley |
Posted By: cuppatea
Date Posted: 28 July 2008 at 10:03pm
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This might sound a bit mean but are you sure you are not "enabling" her (sorry to go all dr phil on you). Perhaps you should just cuts ties with her for a bit, contact her in a month for coffee or something when you have both had some time apart to calm down and think things through. ------------- 
 
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Posted By: FionaS
Date Posted: 28 July 2008 at 10:07pm
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Could do but the one thing this person does reliably is hold onto things and once they make up their mind that is absolutely it. I have never seen them budge so I am afraid of what will happen if I stay away for more than a short period.
I took some space for a month or so back in my early 20's and I've been hearing about it ever since. Other people who have done this in an attempt to "respect this persons space" have not been let back in. ------------- Mummy to Gabrielle and Ashley |
Posted By: caitlynsmygirl
Date Posted: 28 July 2008 at 10:14pm
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Im sorry to sound harsh , and im sure she (or he, but im guessing she ) has issues , but hell , dont we all?
And quite frankly, if she has no friends except you , then it seems like she only has herself to blame with that kind of attitude. What she is wanting is for you to drop everything and reassure her that she is important to you , that shes not useless etc, i know, ive had similar situations. Trouble is, no matter how much you say it, they are only happy about it for a short time, it never lasts. You cant change her , only she can make the decision to change her attitude and take a good look at herself, it sounds to me that you have been doing all you can and she is enjoying the way you are giving her attention for it . You dont need that in your life, noone does . Friendship is about give and take, and to put it bluntly , seems like shes doing all the taking, and you are doing all the giving. |
Posted By: mummy_becks
Date Posted: 28 July 2008 at 10:16pm
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Fiona your friend sounds like she has some issues that she needs to deal with. ------------- I was a puree feeder, forward facing, cot sleeping, pram pushing kind of Mum... and my kids survived! |
Posted By: FionaS
Date Posted: 28 July 2008 at 10:17pm
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I agree that the decision to change has to come from the individual but I also think that some people, are so stuck in a pattern that they can't see the way out without support.
I'm valuing your input, thank you  ------------- Mummy to Gabrielle and Ashley |
Posted By: FionaS
Date Posted: 28 July 2008 at 10:18pm
This isn't a friend which is partly what makes it so tough. ------------- Mummy to Gabrielle and Ashley |
mummy_becks wrote:Posted By: .Mel
Date Posted: 28 July 2008 at 10:20pm
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On another forum that I go on there has been a thread going about "toxic friends" and why we allow ourselves to be involved with people that we know are bad for us.
This person that you are talking about is a "toxic friend" she is bad for you, pure and simple - no excuses. You have admitted that you are upset over the recent events, so I think for a start you need to stop making excuses for their behaviour. Why with everything else that is going on would you allow yourself to be put into another stressful situation? I also think that you need to take a step back for awhile and concentrate on your daughter and husband... let this person stew in their unhappiness and allow yourself to be happy. Also sounds like she needs some counselling, and no I don't think it's a good idea that you suggest it to them... perhaps someone else can on your behalf. Leave things be for awhile, if they don't like it tough! ------------- Mr Mellow (16) Miss Attitude (8) Destructa Kid (3) 
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Posted By: mummy_becks
Date Posted: 28 July 2008 at 10:20pm
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Ok I think I know who it might be (from conversation had a while ago in another thread), and that is tough but hey, you have to do what is best for you, Elle and your DH. ------------- I was a puree feeder, forward facing, cot sleeping, pram pushing kind of Mum... and my kids survived! |
Posted By: FionaS
Date Posted: 28 July 2008 at 10:26pm
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Thanks for your input ladies ------------- Mummy to Gabrielle and Ashley |
Posted By: Jennz
Date Posted: 28 July 2008 at 10:53pm
I would write a big long letter voicing everything you feel- don't hold back, not unnecessarily harsh but tell them how you feel. If after that they choose to still not have contact with you then at least you tried one last time. It could open up a whole new chapter to the relationship or close it for good but it doesn't sound like it could be any worse at the moment  ------------- Jen, Charlotte 7 & Kate 3 
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Posted By: Candkids
Date Posted: 28 July 2008 at 11:07pm
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wow
big hugs to you! dont mean to sound harsh at all but that is awfully selfish of your friend to put that on you and make you feel so bad, especially since all you have done is be completly honest with her! id say that pretty much its emotional abuse, and yes this person obviously has issues, but there her issues and its really unfair of her to take them out on you, and quite frankly be so dam bitchy towards you, its not fair on you and its nasty! if it was me, i think id go cold turkey on her and not contact her at all so she can have time to reflect on "why" you may not want anything to do with her at the moment. or even tell her how unfair and down right nasty what shes doing is and tell her how its affecting you, then tell her until she sorts her issues out you dont want any contact with her. big hugs to you tho! ------------- http://lilypie.com" rel="nofollow">  DD 10.5yrs DS 6yrs DS 11mths 5 little angles watching from above |
Posted By: marielb
Date Posted: 29 July 2008 at 7:50am
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Ditch them Fiona. I had a friend like this, one of my closest who turned into this horrible 'you can't do anything right' person. It still breaks my heart today (it only happened this year) but I don't have time for people like that, and I'm sure you don't either.
You are such a kind person who really doesn't need someone judging you like that - especially when you are getting not much sleep and need support, not berating. xxxxxxxxxxxx ------------- Isaac is 6, Ethan is 4, Rico is 2 and Hunter is almost 1! |
Posted By: CuriousG
Date Posted: 29 July 2008 at 8:06am
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I think you need to evaluate how much effort you want to put into the relationship and be prepared that you are going to get these kind of knock backs and that it is going to be very one sided.
It can be very easy to just ditch them but maybe you need a bit of a break and come back to see how you feel about it in a week/month/year etc. Are they generally unhappy in their own life - or do they not even love themselves enough to treat others with respect? Have they been treated badly by others? There are so many questions but the answer really is within you and how much you are prepared to give without taking. And you also need to ensure it does not hurt your DH or DD in the process.....that is what is truly important. Good luck - big hugs  ------------- http://lilypie.com"> 
http://lilypie.com"> 
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Posted By: MrsMojo
Date Posted: 29 July 2008 at 8:32am
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Fiona, I know this person is a very important part of your life but your DH is right, she is using emotional blackmail for her own purposes and that's not fair on you, your DH and most of all on Elle. You have loved her unconditionally and tried to help her but now it's time to let go, she is the only one that can help herself and your main role and most important job is to protect Elle. If this person does this to you, what's to say she won't start doing it to Elle too.... do you really want her to go through that? You've said that this person is as good as your only family. That's not true. DH & Elle are your family and they should come first before everything and everyone. Have you heard of toughlove? It's about time this person was shown some, you need to stand up for yourself and your family. You may also need to take a break from this person for a while. It doesn't mean you love this person any less. Try and explain it to her (in writing if speaking to her is likely to turn into blame laying), it's important not to be accusatory but instead lay out the facts and how you feel and then leave it in her hands, when she is ready to have an adult relationship with you she can come to you.
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Posted By: Neeks
Date Posted: 29 July 2008 at 8:40am
Yea, what she said..
Well said Jo!!!
Fiona, you definitely don't need people like her in your life... you have enough stress to deal with without someone coming along behind you saying your doing a crap job!! Pfffffft  on her and in the end she'll be the one missing out.. not you!! Take care hun
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Posted By: Mazzy
Date Posted: 29 July 2008 at 9:39am
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Walk away Fiona, and do it now. Tell her the door is open if she wants to reconcile, but leave the ball in her court and get on with allowing yourself to be happy.
Spend time with your DH and daughter without the feelings of anxiety and stress this person is making you feel on a regular basis. Trust me - she will find someone else to work her emotional blackmail on, she hasn't before because you have always been there. ------------- Mum to two gorgeous girls! |
Posted By: 11111
Date Posted: 29 July 2008 at 10:10am
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Ok so I see where you are coming from with the whole, but she has no one else. I have this habbit of picking up friend's like this all the time. I have had some recently had some very wise people tell me it is ok to be friend's and support these people however we need to make sure we are looking after ourselves as well i.e having good solid people around you to support and encoruage you. It sound's to me like you do need to step back and take a break from the emotional roller coster she has got you on. Like other's said it is not fair on you or your family if this person is affecting you so much. It is ok to be selfish and look after yourself as well. It sound's like you are an amazing person who just loves to give out to other's which is awsome, but it is ok to look after yourself too. It is important for you and your family.
------------- Deborah Mum to:   
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Posted By: Bizzy
Date Posted: 29 July 2008 at 12:38pm
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------------- http://www.myfitnesspal.com/weight-loss-ticker"> 
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Posted By: katie1
Date Posted: 29 July 2008 at 12:51pm
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If it was me (and the person is a family member) I would write a letter like what Jennz said. It wouldn't be unnecessarily harsh but would be honest and say how hurt I was I would still try to be loving if I could. It may not make any difference but at least you have expressed your opinion and said you are still there.
If it was a friend (I think you said it wasn't) then I would perhaps be more inclined to just have some space from them. You have to look after yourself too and there is only so much you can do. Thinking of you and hope things work out. |
Posted By: FionaS
Date Posted: 29 July 2008 at 12:56pm
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Thanks for all your suggestions ladies. Your input is really helpful and is helping me iron out my thoughts.
------------- Mummy to Gabrielle and Ashley |
Posted By: caliandjack
Date Posted: 29 July 2008 at 6:46pm
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Reading your post gave me a very real sense of deja-vu.
I had a close family member treat me in a similar way, and the only way I was able to cope with it was to put space between us, and limit the contact. No matter how much I tried this person would always find a way to upset me. Unfortunately the only way to resolve it was to restrict contact with them. I think its especially difficult when its family, as you can feel a sense of obligation to them. Yet at times they seem to treat us so terribly. I always remember the first rule of First Aid, ensure your own safety first. Otherwise you can potentially become a casualty too. ------------- http://lilypie.com" rel="nofollow">   [/url] Angel June 2012 |
Posted By: Peace
Date Posted: 29 July 2008 at 8:35pm
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At first, I was all for "ditch her and don't look back" but I have had a good, long hard think about this as I have been in a similar position with a family type member myself.
First, don't take it on board. Secondly if they are seriously wanting to walk, let them walk. And finally for me *I* have to leave the door open, letting family know that is a huge thing even if they are being especially difficult. Take your time and think about what is best for your family as well, now you have a Hubby and a child and they are the most important and deserving of your emotions, not someone else. ------------- DD1 May 2006 DD2 March 2011 DD3 August 2012 |
Posted By: Two Blondinis
Date Posted: 29 July 2008 at 9:32pm
What she said!
You can never quite ditch you family, not matter how much you want to sometimes. It soulds like he/she is saying that they need some time out, that's fine but leave that "door" open to them to come back to once they have sorted their own issues out.  to you hun------------- http://lilypie.com"> 
 
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Posted By: JadeC
Date Posted: 29 July 2008 at 9:52pm
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Oh Fi, how awful.
I think the main thing to remember is that we mostly have no power over other people's actions and thoughts. As much as you would like to be able to help this person gain some more self-esteem and stop this destrictive behaviour, you can't. All you can do is be there for them in case they want to do it themselves. But, you need to be there in a way that isn't going negatively effect you. You need some specific and strict boundaries in place to make sure that you are doing as well as you can. If you put boundaries in place you can have some modicum of control over how the interactions happen. Boundaries can be things like not replying to messages that insult you. But, it will get worse before it gets better, thats practically a promise. Even when people (adults) crave boundaries because they make us feel safe and secure, they'll still push them to see where they begin and end. All we can really hope for is that they will accept them, and that the interactions will get better for both of you. But in some awful way, either way you win. Either you have less stress (but some sadness) because they aren't in your life, or you have them in your life with less drama. And I think the hard thing to realise is that once you put boundaries in, that is THEIR choice. And whatever choice they make, it will be better than how it is now. I really hope this isn't about who I think it's about  ------------- http://pregnancy.baby-gaga.com/" rel="nofollow"> 
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Posted By: Andie
Date Posted: 30 July 2008 at 9:32am
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Jade's post made me think of the 'Boundaries' book by Cloud & Townsend... you might have read it already, but a refresher on some of the principals of personal boundaries might help you find the perspective you need to make decisions on where to go next with this relationship. Sounds like a tough situation, but this person is causing you a great deal of stress, and if that's the way it's always been, my guess is that's the way it'll stay unless something somehow changes. So you could bail from the relationship (I don't mean that to sound bad!), keep the status quo and live with it (sounds regrettable IMO), or attempt making a change and it'll be up to the other person whether or not they allow that change to happen - you could write a heartfelt letter explaining where this is at for you, and leave it with her to take it from there... or whatever it is that you feel best in the situation. What would you advise Elle when she's older about a relationship like that if she were in a similar situation herself? ------------- Andie |