Joke of the Day!
Printed From: OHbaby!
Category: General Chat
Forum Name: General Chat
Forum Description: For mums, dads, parents-to-be, grandparents, friends -- you name it! And you name the topic you want to chat about!
URL: https://www.ohbaby.co.nz/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=19581
Printed Date: 08 October 2025 at 10:48am
Software Version: Web Wiz Forums 12.05 - http://www.webwizforums.com
Topic: Joke of the Day!
Posted By: BugTeeny
Subject: Joke of the Day!
Date Posted: 29 July 2008 at 11:39am
|
I think we all need a good giggle every day!
Add your own 
THEY'RE FINALLY TOGETHER She married and had 13 children. Her husband died. She married again and had 7 more children. Again, her husband died. But, she remarried and this time had 5 more children. She finally died after having 25 children. Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her. He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said, ' Lord, they're finally together.' One mourner leaned over and quietly asked her friend, ' Do you think he means her first, second or third husband?' The friend replied, 'I think he means her legs.' ------------- 
|
Replies:
Posted By: MrsMojo
Date Posted: 29 July 2008 at 11:50am
|
LOL Charly. I love it!!!
Here's a few from my stash.
BLONDE FISHING: A blonde wanted to go ice fishing, so after buying the right tools for the exercise she headed to the nearest frozen lake. After setting up her gear she proceeds to cut a circular hole in the ice. TALKING CLOCK: Proudly showing off her newly leased downtown apartment to a couple of friends late one night, a fairly drunk female blond yuppie led the way to her bedroom where there was a big brass gong hanging on the wall. "What's that big brass gong for?" one of the friends asked. "Issss nod a gong. Issss a talking clock" she replied. "A talking clock - seriously?" "Yup" "(hic)." "How's it work?" the second friend asked, squinting at it. "Just watssch" she said. She picked up a hammer, gave the gong an 'ear-shattering bash' and stepped back. Her mates stood looking at one another for a moment in astounded silence. Suddenly, a voice from the other side of the wall screamed "For f*ck's sake you stupid b * tch, it's ten past three in the f*cking morning!!!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ CONFESSIONAL: Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl". -------------  
|
Posted By: BugTeeny
Date Posted: 29 July 2008 at 11:53am
|
bahahahah Jo!
Those are great!! -------------
|
Posted By: My3Sons
Date Posted: 29 July 2008 at 12:49pm
|
mwahahaha!! ------------- Mum to Mr 10, Mr 6 and Mr 4 
 
|
love it!Posted By: Daizy
Date Posted: 29 July 2008 at 12:51pm
|
LOL! ------------- 
 
|
Posted By: yummymummy
Date Posted: 29 July 2008 at 9:34pm
|
LOL ------------- http://lilypie.com">  http://lilypie.com">
|
Posted By: babymama
Date Posted: 29 July 2008 at 9:41pm
| lol!!! nice thread idea |
Posted By: kasbee
Date Posted: 29 July 2008 at 9:43pm
|
Heres one for you ladies.
GONE FISHING *Saturday morning I got up early, put on my long johns, dressed quietly, Made my lunch, grabbed the dog, slipped quietly into the garage to hook The boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential Downpour. * *There was snow mixed with the rain, and the wind was blowing 50 mph. * *I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that The weather would be bad throughout the day. * *I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into Bed. There I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different Anticipation, and whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.' * *My loving wife of twenty years replied, 'Can you believe my stupid Husband is out fishing in that crap?' * *I still don't know if she was joking...* ------------- Kelly, mother to 4 wonderful children. http://lilypie.com"> 
|
Posted By: Two Blondinis
Date Posted: 29 July 2008 at 9:53pm
hehheeheheee  ------------- http://lilypie.com"> 
 
|
Posted By: Jennz
Date Posted: 30 July 2008 at 12:56am
|
Haha those are all brilliant! ------------- Jen, Charlotte 7 & Kate 3 
|
Posted By: MrsMojo
Date Posted: 30 July 2008 at 8:02am
|
LOL, I love it Kasbee! -------------
|
Posted By: Neeks
Date Posted: 30 July 2008 at 9:01am
|
LOL, what a great thread!!! -------------  
|
Posted By: Deez
Date Posted: 30 July 2008 at 9:55am
|
My five-year old students, are learning to read. Yesterday one of them pointed at a picture in a zoo book and said, 'Look at this! It's a frickin' elephant!' I took a deep breath, then asked...'What did you call it?' 'It's a frickin' elephant! It says so on the picture!' And so it does... 
' A f r i c a n Elephant ' Hooked on phonics! Ain't it wonderful?   
-------------  
Lycan and Peyton = Moon and back!! |
Posted By: mrshouse
Date Posted: 30 July 2008 at 12:14pm
lol  ------------- http://www.baby-gaga.com/"> 
[/url] |
Posted By: BugTeeny
Date Posted: 01 August 2008 at 10:05am
|
Blond Joke
A blind man enters a lesbian bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a drink. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender in a loud voice, "Hey bartender, you wanna hear a dumb blonde joke?"!!! The bar immediately falls deathly quiet. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is just fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things... 1 - The bartender is a blonde woman. 2 - The bouncer is a blonde woman. 3 - The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a professional weightlifter. 4 - The lady to your right is a blonde and is a professional wrestler, and 5 - I'm a 6 foot, 200 lb. blonde woman with a PhD., a black belt in karate and a very bad attitude! Now think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still want to tell that joke?" The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and says; "Naaaah . . . not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times." -------------
|
Posted By: kasbee
Date Posted: 01 August 2008 at 9:05pm
haha thats good  ------------- Kelly, mother to 4 wonderful children. http://lilypie.com">
|
Posted By: Deez
Date Posted: 01 August 2008 at 9:15pm
|
hahaha i like that one! -------------
Lycan and Peyton = Moon and back!! |
Posted By: MrsMojo
Date Posted: 04 August 2008 at 8:52am
|
A father passing by his son's bedroom, was astonished to see the
-------------
|
Posted By: BugTeeny
Date Posted: 04 August 2008 at 9:29am
Bahahahah I've heard that one before...always a goodie  -------------
|
Posted By: Daizy
Date Posted: 04 August 2008 at 12:01pm
|
Hehe - these are all so funny.
I finally got the first one - only after having to read it through 10 times -------------
|
Posted By: BaAsKa
Date Posted: 04 August 2008 at 1:08pm
|
I got this from my mum the other day....
An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher: "They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!" she cried. The dispatcher said, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way." A few minutes later, the officer radios in. "Disregard." He says. She got in the back-seat by mistake." _____________________________________ FAMILY Three sisters ages 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together. One night the 96 year old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells to the other sisters, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?" The 94 year old yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up and see." She starts up the stairs and pauses "Was I going up the stairs or down?" The 92 year old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful, knock on wood." She then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door." _____________________________________ I CAN HEAR JUST FINE!" Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March day. One remarked to the other, "Windy, isn't it?" "No," the second man replied, "it's Thursday." And the third man chimed in, "So am I. Let's have a beer." _____________________________________ SUPERSEX A little old lady was running up ! And down the halls in a nursing home. As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say "Supersex.." She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair Flipping her gown at him, she said, "Supersex." He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, "I'll take the soup." _____________________________________ ROMANCE An older couple were lying in bed one night. The husband was falling asleep but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk. She said: "You used to hold my hand when we were courting." Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep. A few moments later she said: "Then you used to kiss me." Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep. Thirty seconds later she said: "Then you used to bite my! Neck." Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed. "Where are you going?" she asked. "To get my teeth!" _____________________________________ DOWN AT THE RETIREMENT CENTER 80-year old Bessie bursts into the rec room at the retirement home. She holds her clenched fist in the air and announces,"Anyone who can guess what's in my hand can have sex with me tonight!!" An elderly gentleman in the rear shouts out, "An elephant?" Bessie thinks a minute and says, "Close enough." _____________________________________ OLD FRIENDS Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to playcards. One day, they were playing cards when one Looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me . I know we've been friends for a long time but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is." Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to Know?" _____________________________________ SENIOR DRIVING As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 77. Please be careful!" "Hell," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!" _____________________________________ DRIVING Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light." After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red again. Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through So, she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!" Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh! Am I driving?" |
Posted By: Daizy
Date Posted: 05 August 2008 at 10:35am
|
ahhaha! -------------
|
Posted By: CuriousG
Date Posted: 05 August 2008 at 12:33pm
|
This is one of my favourites:
One day in the jungle, Lizard climbs up a tree and find Monkey sitting on a branch, smoking some weed. Lizard asks him for some but Monkey keeps saying "No, you're a lightweight, it'll go straight to your head." But eventually after some pestering, Monkey gives Lizard some of the weed. after smoking for a bit, Lizard starts to get a bit thirsty, being a lightweight and all, so he goes down to the lake to get a drink. While he's down at the lake, he sees Alligator who asks him where he's been, as he seems a bit high. Lizard tells Alligator he's been up in the tree smoking with Monkey, so Alligator goes up to ask Monkey if he can have any. So as Monkey's sitting there, high as a kite, waiting for Lizard to get back, he sees Alligator climb up onto the branch. "Duuuuuuuuuuuuuddddddddddddddeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!" yells Monkey, "How much freakin' water did you drink?" ------------- http://lilypie.com"> 
http://lilypie.com"> 
|
Posted By: Daizy
Date Posted: 05 August 2008 at 1:22pm
|
ROFL! -------------
|
Posted By: blondie
Date Posted: 05 August 2008 at 8:00pm
|
Thanks for a good laugh (makes working easier) ------------- 
|
Posted By: MrsMojo
Date Posted: 06 August 2008 at 8:38am
|
Two aliens landed in the The gas pump, of course, didn't respond. The younger alien became angry at the lack of response. The older alien said, 'I'd calm down if I were you.' The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting. Again, there was no response. Annoyed by what he perceived to be the pump's haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun and said impatiently, 'Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Do not ignore us this way! Take us to your leader or I will fire!' The older alien again warned his comrade saying, 'You probably don't want to do that! I really don't think you should make him mad.' 'Rubbish,' replied the cocky, young alien. He aimed his weapon at the pump and opened fire. There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball roared towards them and blew the younger alien off his feet and deposited him a burnt, smoking mess about 200 yards away in a cactus patch. Half an hour passed. When he finally regained consciousness, he refocused his three eyes, straightened his bent antenna, and looked dazedly at the older, wiser alien who was standing over him shaking his big, green head. 'What a ferocious creature!' exclaimed the young, fried alien. 'He damn near killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?' The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy friend and replied, 'If there's one thing I've learned during my intergalactic travels, you don't want to mess with a guy who can loop his dick over his shoulder twice and then stick it in his ear.' -------------
|
Posted By: caraMel
Date Posted: 06 August 2008 at 9:02am
|
PMSL! ------------- Mel, Mummy to E: 6, B: 4 and: 
|
Posted By: Deez
Date Posted: 21 August 2008 at 3:48pm
|
just thought i would share this with you all...
ACTUAL AUSTRALIAN COURT DOCKET 12659 ---CASE OF THE PREGNANT LADY A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested. The case came up in court. The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself. The man replied, 'Well your Honor, it was like this: When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat down under a sign that said, 'The Double Mint Twins are Coming' and I grinned.' 'Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, ' Logan 's Liniment will reduce the swelling', and I had to smile. 'Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, 'William's Big Stick Did the Trick', and I could hardly contain myself.' 'BUT, your Honor, when She moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, 'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident'... I just lost it.' 'CASE DISMISSED!!' -------------
Lycan and Peyton = Moon and back!! |
Posted By: Deez
Date Posted: 21 August 2008 at 3:50pm
|
And another one my MIL sent me today.......
An old couple prepares to go to bed. They no sooner hit the pillows when the old man farts and says, "Seven Points." His wife rolls over and says, "What in the world was that?" The old man replied, "It's fart Rugby." A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says, “Try and conversion, 7-all". After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says, "Penalty, 10 points to 7." Not to be outdone, the wife rips out another one and says, "Penalty, 10-all." Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, "Drop goal, I lead 13 to 10." Now the pressure is on the old man. He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard, but to no avail. Realising a defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got, and then completely sh!ts the bed. The wife asks, "What in the hell was that?" The old man says, "Half time, change sides." -------------
Lycan and Peyton = Moon and back!! |
Posted By: Deez
Date Posted: 27 August 2008 at 8:44pm
|
We were dressed and ready to go out for the New Years Eve Party. We turned on a night light, turned the answering-machine on, covered our pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard. We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi.
The taxi arrived and we opened the front door to leave the house. The cat we put out in the yard, scoots back into the house. We didn't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the bird. I go out to the taxi, while my husband went inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, with my husband in hot pursuit. Waiting in the cab, I don't want the driver to know that the house will be empty for the night. So, I explain to the taxi driver that he will be out soon, 'He's just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother.' A few minutes later, he gets into the cab. 'Sorry I took so long,' he said, as we drove away. 'The stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me - but it worked! I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!' The cab driver hit a parked car. -------------
Lycan and Peyton = Moon and back!! |