relationship help??
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Category: General Chat
Forum Name: General Chat
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URL: https://www.ohbaby.co.nz/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=20247
Printed Date: 10 November 2025 at 9:38pm
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Topic: relationship help??
Posted By: chonni
Subject: relationship help??
Date Posted: 20 August 2008 at 3:18pm
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hi i just need sum advice
me and my partner have been together for almost 6 years now but we broke up when i got pregnant and then got back together, but for about 4months now he has been getting stressd because appt im not clean enough!!! (with the house) not true i keep the house just as cleen as the next person. we dont live together he still lives with his mum, so why the hell is he telling me how clean i should be, by the way his mum still babys him and even foulds his undies!! but last night he told me the he has to think about our relationship because he doesint think im marrage matrial!! what does that mean!!! this broke my heart as i love him to bits. and then today he sent me this email im sorryfor what i said last night i was being such a jerk to you and you didnt deserveany of it, theres just alot of things going through my mind at the moment andits hard because i find it weeird to talk to you about it which isnt good forme because i bottle them up all the time and my stress just raises of the roof.i know you have been cleaning and making the house look nice and im grateful forit. i just cant adapt to the way u live at the moment and soon probally i will.It's like sometimes i dont know you and i dont understand you, just like me. Improud to be a dad and i will cherish Mila for all my life and do anything forher. At times i would like to think about myself to and what i wanna pursue tobecome happy and obviously to make you happy (buying you things to make youfeel good about yourself etc etc) I kno sometimes you dont feel attractivewhich i still think you are and just tryna brighten you up. But sometimes ifeel like the things you tryna make me happy for doesnt seem real, like im notsure if your doing it for the kindness of your heart, i just dont kno, (see howim just soo confused, like i could be saying this and i could be so wrong, )theres things i just need to think over like what we are doing thats makingthis relationship not working. Right now thoe i dont want this to get in theway of our babys 1st birthday. This is all i can say for now. i hope u dontread this and feel anger or hatred in you. Cuz thats what im always afraid. Tell Mila Daddy loves her and Misses her so much what do i do. please help anyadvise ould be good ------------- 
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Replies:
Posted By: lilfatty
Date Posted: 20 August 2008 at 3:36pm
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Firstly "clean" has different meanings to different people ... my Mum was a clean freak, so I tend to like my house to be clean clean, whereas DHs Mum wasnt a clean freak so his version of clean is different, especially if he is used to being "waited" on by Mum lol
I would say one thing though ... he has worries .. give him some time to get his thoughts together, he may not know how to vocalise them to you yet without a) hurting your feelings b) starting world war three If it (you and him) are meant to be .. it will happen. ------------- Mummy to Issy (3) and Elias (18 months) I did it .. 41 kgs gone! From flab to fab in under a year  http://www.femininefitness.co.nz/category/blog - LFs weight blog
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Posted By: MumsyMoo
Date Posted: 20 August 2008 at 3:38pm
Hey lovey, Goodness me, sounds sooooo familiar! I have this exact argument ALL the time. My DF and I are still together and living together and I get this from him all the time. I keep my house in a tidy state, ok... so maybe you can't eat off the floors and the place is cluttered, but that's what happens when you've got as much stuff as we do and have such a small place with o storage. He grew up living in show-home quality houses which were sparkling floor to ceiling, so he has high HIGH expectations. Thing is, I get no help from him at all, so makes things even more difficult. "I won't be ready to marry you until you learn how to be clean..." WTF!? Way to break a girls heart... Why'd you propose to me then dickhead!? Sorry, I have nothing to say that can be of any help, but just know that there's someone else going through what you are  -------------  My wee girl is the love and light of my life!
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chonni wrote:Posted By: Mazzy
Date Posted: 20 August 2008 at 3:43pm
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Agree about the clean thing. Also, he does realise you have an 11 month old in the house, right? I'm a clean freak but have had to re-evaluate my priorities with a toddler around. Perhaps you could gently tell him that sometimes Mila is more of a priority, but that you do try to keep things clean?
I really like Lilfatty's advice to give him some time and let him sort through things. It's hard because you're probably worried about it, but communication is the most important thing in any relationship and it sounds like you guys have to figure out how to best do that with each other. Tell him that you're ready to listen whenever he's figured things out and you're happy for him to take that time to think. He'll appreciate it. And it will probably give you some time to be calm as well. Whatever happens, will be the right thing. ------------- Mum to two gorgeous girls! |
Posted By: chonni
Date Posted: 20 August 2008 at 3:43pm
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exactly its not easy looking after a baby with supa bad exzma all alone when he goes bak to his mums house where his mum is like a slave to her husband. i keep my house clean clean but just somtimes like yesterday it had a few things where it wasint ment to be because i didint have time to do them. and he thinks studying at te 5hours or less a day is hard work and that my jobs so easy -------------
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Posted By: Andie
Date Posted: 20 August 2008 at 3:43pm
Aw, hun... 
Sounds like he's sorting some stuff out in his own head, which is great... but can take time. Do you know what you'd like for the two of you? It might help to know whether or not you'd like to live together, to ever marry, have more children or leave it at one... even though all this stuff can change anyway, at least if you're able to communicate your wants and hopes for your relationship to him, it'll give both of you more to work with, and hopefully he'll be able to do the same. Had to giggle that his mum folds his undies!! I never even knew undies needed folding! ------------- Andie |
Posted By: chonni
Date Posted: 20 August 2008 at 3:47pm
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yeah i have told him that he can think about it. but its not easy for me to do this because ibleaive tht we should be talking about this together because it involves me its not just what he is going through. and he doesint unerstand that we come first he still want to do wat he wants nd hello we are here sitting at home alone!!! -------------
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Posted By: chonni
Date Posted: 20 August 2008 at 3:51pm
i know what i wnt i love him and want to moe in with him and all that, i thought that he did to untill yesterday, i dont know if he just wants out or sumthing coz this is what he did when i got pregnant andi found out from his sister that he hadint loved me in ages, and everyone was telling him to leave me but he never did untill i got pregnant -------------
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Posted By: Andie
Date Posted: 20 August 2008 at 4:00pm
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Ooohhh that sounds like a tough thing to go through. I don't envy you this, girl.
If he's taking time away to consider things, then it might be a good time for you to also re-evaluate where you stand on the issues that are there. Oh I know, that sounds awfully 'cloud has a silver lining' (  ) but I guess the space from each-other makes it a good time to individually assess what's going on, without the other person's reactions and opinions clouding things. If only for a while. He's off thinking about the relationship (and good on him, too) and maybe even making some changes or decisions, well you have a say in this too, and while you can't make someone stay, you can decide if it's best that they don't... not that I'm saying this is the case with you two, but if he's going to come back to you with a clear head then how cool would it be for you to be able to do the same?
BTW... don't feel bad about the house! It's hard work being at home with a nearly 1-yr-old, but so many men never seem to 'get' that. He could start a club for men that feel that way... and there'd be millions of members! But at the end of the day, you need to set the priorities for your time as a parent, partner, and everything else that you are. And spending time with your girl over frantically cleaning up in order to avoid criticism - well, that sounds like a wonderful investment that you're already making ------------- Andie |
Posted By: minik8e
Date Posted: 20 August 2008 at 4:02pm
| Just a curious question....has he ever looked after Mila for a whole day or two, by himself with no help? |
Posted By: Andie
Date Posted: 20 August 2008 at 4:03pm
SORRY!!! I just read your above reply after posting that one... 
------------- Andie |
Posted By: kebakat
Date Posted: 20 August 2008 at 4:07pm
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I have kinda skimmed through some responses so sorry if I'm doubling up.
Why not ask him for a deal.. by this I mean, you tell him you'll give him time to think about whatever he wants to think about it but say in a week or whatever time frame you want it to be, you guys sit down and have a good chat about these things. Get him to even write a list so he doesn't forget things. It can also make it easier to talk about hard things when its written down. And maybe you could write a list of things you want to know etc |
Posted By: chonni
Date Posted: 20 August 2008 at 4:08pm
no he hasint, the most he has without me was for about 3hours and he took her to his mums house. if i go meet friends i take mila wth me, i change her nappies and get her dressed and undressd put her creams on because he says that im better at doing it so he want me to do that -------------
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Posted By: lilfatty
Date Posted: 20 August 2008 at 5:01pm
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Also I know how he feels .. when things get on top of me I find it hard to verbalise so I always tend to write it down in a letter form for DH to read.
This gives me time to think about what I want to say (and in a way that doesnt feel like im attacking him) ... then DH reads it and it gives him time to think it over then we both discuss it. Maybe you guys could do something like that. ------------- Mummy to Issy (3) and Elias (18 months) I did it .. 41 kgs gone! From flab to fab in under a year http://www.femininefitness.co.nz/category/blog - LFs weight blog
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Posted By: chonni
Date Posted: 20 August 2008 at 5:03pm
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yeah that sounds like a good idea i might try that out thanx -------------
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Posted By: busymum
Date Posted: 20 August 2008 at 5:53pm
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Aw what a stressful situation for you. He actually sounds like he's trying to be quite lovely about it and he probably has to sort out in his mind whether he is also ready for long-term. Let him have that little mental break, it works wonders for guys especially. But after that I wonder if you guys would be able to get away for a date (Mila left with MIL or babysitter) and actually talk over what you want for your future, and whether pre-marital counselling might be of assistance to you both.
*hugs* ------------- |
Posted By: kathyandbub
Date Posted: 20 August 2008 at 7:31pm
| omg my partner did exact same thing last night always on at me bout how i tidy my house while hes at home getting his mum to run around after him, i swear he has never done housework in his life!!!!!!!! and he doesnt even hold his son for more then 5 minutes befor handing him back. its so hard and sometimes i wonder if it is worth it. sorry i have no advice just wanted to let you know that im in the same boat |
Posted By: Roksana
Date Posted: 20 August 2008 at 8:02pm
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Before I say any thing at all I have one question...is he Indian?? ------------- http://lilypie.com"> 
http://lilypie.com"> 
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Posted By: chonni
Date Posted: 20 August 2008 at 9:02pm
no hes malay and his religion is muslim, which is also a prob because he wants me to turn muslim before i get married and mila but i just dont bleaive in that -------------
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Posted By: Bombshell
Date Posted: 21 August 2008 at 10:30am
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oh dear....but LOL at Roksana for realising the different culture from what you said...I didnt have heart to ask you the same but did think it!
Is there any chance the two of you could have counselling...I say that as he sounds like he needs to get his head around a lot...but also nees you to understand and play a role in where he wants and needs to be...hence why i dont think one party counselling is best for you guys.... contact the relationship services or family court in your area - they do free counselling and it may really help. You need to understand him just as much as he needs to undertand you. |
Posted By: Roksana
Date Posted: 21 August 2008 at 12:22pm
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Oh Chonni - I am muslim and so I know what male muslims can be like however where we come from Mulsims are not soooo fanatical (the best way I can put it). I know Malay ppl are a bit more in to their religion.
Now two things: 1) he should have realised that you were not a Muslim while being with you and making babies with you, you had no pre arranged agreement that you will change your religion for him so I cant see why you have to...or that be a condition of marriage. As an Example I married a very religious Hindu, and his mum wanted me to change to Hindu...I told them in heart of heart I dont believe in their religion so I do not wish to fake it and therefore wont change. I am Still a non practice Muslim and he is Hindu. He has never ever asked me to change...if he had I would have left him. Your partner needs to respect you and your thought and stop forcing things on you....if this is a condition of marriage then you should wonder how he really feels for you?? Hate to say this but reading his email he has never ever mentioned that he Loves you....you have to ask him what he really feels for you. Secondly you have to understand that Muslim males do not consider female counterpart as Important....as in equal...well really religious muslims any ways!! And if you are getting in to a relashionship with him make sure you make him understand that you are no Muslim house wife and wont be treated like a slave or less than equal. If he cant agree then do you really want to be in a relationship with him? As for cleaning....PLEASE tell him to get over it! You are not his mum and you are not his slave. He said he cant adjust to the way you live....HELLO was he blind folded when he got with you? he was fine then and now he isnt? Really childish and really male of him. Just tell him to F Up...he doesnt like the way you clean even tho you have a1 year old...well then he can do it himself. The other thing is...if he doesnt do any thing now what will he do if you guys got married? sit on his ass while you looked after his kids and the house? so he basically wants his mum? well then...tell him to go find one that is a clone of his mum! I am sorry to sound harsh hun...honestly I am on your side here and would hate to see you hurt....but I know what Muslim males can be like from specific regions. I told a friend of mine to watch out when she married a Muslim from a diff country than your partner....but she was telling us that he is not religious and he is nice etc etc...after marriage he changed and now they are divorced! Not saying you cant be with him and that he is no good...but if he really love you and wants to make it work then he has to change for you too and not just you doing stuff for him. Realise that you are wonderful woman and a wonderful mum and that you deserve the best! And dont EVER take crap from any one! Specially him! State your ground, tell him what you want him to do for you and ask him what he needs from you and come to an understanding and stick to it. Like Bombshell has said go councelling...I did with DH and now we are way better off. Good Luck hun...sorry for the Novel! I guess I am a strong willed woman who hates to see men trying to treat woman like second class citizens. ------------- http://lilypie.com">
http://lilypie.com">
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Posted By: chonni
Date Posted: 21 August 2008 at 9:26pm
thanx nowi unastand a lil more lol, he just has realy high expectations of me i dont know why because he knows what i am like hello we met when we where 13!!! i dont want to live my life being somting im not and cleaning just because my partners coming home and i dont wanthim to be stressed i will look into concling i am already going to one alone but sh is also a realtionship concler so i shoud ask if hecan com totalk things over. i jut dont know how to tell him that dont wanna be a muslim because he ased me when we first got togther if i wold hange for him and me being so yung and n love i said yes. and he said to me that he always wanted a muslim wife. do you know if mila has to be muslim i would really like her to choose for her self, but i read that the child of a muslim father must folow the fathers religon??? hes mum doesint want him to leave home so when ever he goes back home she babys him,she has also said that i dont do much with mila and he does all the work!!!! and that ihavint shown her any thing to please her!! hello when you where telling your son to never see me again when i was pregnant i worked my ass off and brought everything for his baby and the ouse we now live in !! and i pay rent and power foof and cloths!!! wat more does she want -------------
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Posted By: Roksana
Date Posted: 22 August 2008 at 11:38am
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As for Mila becoming a Muslim...Hmmm...Thats a hard one! When I was born (My Mum is European and was a Roman Catholic) and went back to Dad's county I was made a Muslim and was brought up like one....didnt really have a choice per say. Mum was also made a Muslim (even tho no one asked her if she wanted to or not...mind you she didnt put up a fight, she was ok with it) But Again like I said my Dad and his family is not that fanatical about the religion. I was allowed to learn how to dance, wear skirts and have never and I mean NEVER had to cover up! So there is a Difference. As for my Daughter she is not being forced to follow any thing at the mo as she is soooo young. But she does pray with her dad as he practices and I dont. So chances are she will be Hindu. I am ok with that! What Mila becomes has to be both your decision. If you want her to choose then expose her to all alternatives and wait and see what happens.
As for you telling him that you will change well....ppl change hun and you have changed your mind. If he WANTED A MUSLIM WIFE....he should have found one! and not expect some one to change for him! As for his Mum - why do you have to please her?? does she pay for your living expenses? do you owe her any thing? then where does she get off? Yes I agree that you have to have some respect for her as the future MIL but that respect has to be earned! And nasty comments from her is going to make it that much harder for you to do so. Never ever feel that you have to impress any one specially your MIL. In all honesty hun I feel (from what you are saying here) that he is emotionally blackmailing you to make you do things and change for him.....stop and ask yourself is that who you are? and is that what you want for you and Mila? Once you are sucked in to that world hun you will never get out! And I am saying this because I know what it can become. I am greatful every day that even tho I am Muslim I had really relaxed family as far as the religion was concerned! Go councelling and make sure you let him know how you are feeling......if he loves you he will except you as you are...and I dont see why that should be a problem for him! Good luck again and really think hard and think for you and Mila! ------------- http://lilypie.com">
http://lilypie.com">
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