Relationships
Printed From: OHbaby!
Category: Have A Baby?
Forum Name: First baby? Second or more?
Forum Description: Want help? Need support? Want tips? Men and women share advice and tips in this supportive community
URL: https://www.ohbaby.co.nz/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=20681
Printed Date: 12 September 2025 at 8:18am
Software Version: Web Wiz Forums 12.05 - http://www.webwizforums.com
Topic: Relationships
Posted By: Sad1
Subject: Relationships
Date Posted: 05 September 2008 at 9:44am
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Hi ladies,
I am just wondering how everyone has found their realtionship with DH or DP once you have had a baby. We find it really hard to have a balance between my DH working, us spending time together, time as a family and with friends together and to do our own thing. DH has been studying as well so that doesn't help. There just isn't enough time in a day so we get quite stressed sometimes. How do you cope/balance with this massive change in your life? TIA 
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Replies:
Posted By: kebakat
Date Posted: 05 September 2008 at 9:49am
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Our day (during the week goes like this):
Get up and have breakfast together. DH goes to work while I stay home with Daniel. DH often comes home for lunch to see us and it saves on money. 6pm DH gets home and does the bath routine with us. Daniel has tea before he gets home. 7pm Daniel in bed, we eat together most of the time and have chill out time on the couch and then go off and do our own thing til 9pm roughly, usually I study while he does something lol. 9pm: husband/wifey time We make sure we have some us time every day that we possibly can. In the weekends we each get a sleep in day while the other gets up to Daniel. On the day I get to sleep in I can choose if I want to spend it at home or get out of the house, DH does the same on his sleep in day. |
Posted By: MissAngel
Date Posted: 05 September 2008 at 10:20am
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Our relationship is better than ever.
After getting preg so early in our relationship (6 months in) I wondered what was going to happen, but things are marvelous - we spend just as much time together as we did before Thomas came along only he's included now of course and its great! Having a baby (as far as im concerned) doesnt change things as much as i thought it would - hell, we're getting married in 2 weeks ARGH! I wouldnt change anything :D ------------- Alex, Thomas and Lily http://lilypie.com" rel="nofollow"> 
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Posted By: Mazzy
Date Posted: 05 September 2008 at 10:28am
Back when DD1 was brand new, I remember that we did go through a few rough patches, because it was a massive change for us and we had to create some new routines and ways of living. We really struggled to find time to even talk to each other, we were so exhausted from looking after a screaming baby (DD1 didn't sleep a lot and looking back she was a cryer, we didn't know it at the time being new parents and all). I can say it does get better - much, much better. We talked about how disconnected we were feeling and it took some effort to begin with, but once you start it will just keep improving. Having a baby has brought us so much closer together and we love creating a family, as well as being one, if that makes sense? Hang in there and don't give up - keep talking and take whatever opportunities you can to spend time together, with the baby or on your own! Having kids is joyful and exhausting. ------------- Mum to two gorgeous girls! |
Posted By: NovemberMum
Date Posted: 05 September 2008 at 1:08pm
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really good here. My husband has been supportive right form my pregnancy. and even more so once Megan comes along.
He does her bath time routine so that he gets to spend some time with her before bed. we do try and spend some time together just talking about each others day even if it is during dinner time. ------------- http://lilypie.com"> 
http://lilypie.com"> 
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Posted By: ElfsMum
Date Posted: 05 September 2008 at 1:28pm
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Dh does his bath time but we struggled in the beginning too..it's evening out now and DH doesn't work weekend s anymore so that helps... now we are getting to spending more time together and one on one time as well so it's working out well.. I don't know how it works with two kids though:) ------------- Mum to two amazing boys! |
Posted By: emz
Date Posted: 05 September 2008 at 1:35pm
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We find it hard, as DH hasn't really been home much since Jack was born. We are making an effort to have cuddle time etc like we used to before I was a whale and eating together. I work nights so most of the time we just see each other in the weekends. Mum and Dad take Jack once a month so we can have a date night and we take Jack anywhere with our friends (obviously not out on the booze lol). Our friends mostly have things at their houses now so we can come along if its short notice, they've been great.
But we're still working on the respect issue. DH is having massive issues with me staying at home as money is so tight but I refuse to go out and work (after all this is what we decided to do so he has to suck it up). But we're just trying to deal with that one day at a time and realise that its not forever. As for everything else, our relationship is pretty much the same. We didn't go out much before Jack so that's not affected. I've made a secret pact to have sex with him 3-4 times a week which has made him a happy man  cos I noticed that our sex life really hit a wall.
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Posted By: Shezamumof3
Date Posted: 05 September 2008 at 7:48pm
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Umm we have had some rough patches since Caden arrived, mainly with DF coming home from work and sitting on the computer all night while I do everything with Caden. So I had a talk, an angry one albeit! About how I was upset that he didnt seem interested in spening time with caden, he didnt realise I felt this way and now he is much better.
Dont get me wrong, DF LOVESS Caden to bits and he does play with him and stuff, but I felt like I had to push him to do it. Now he comes home frome work and if caden is up he has cuddles and feeds him etc. The other thing that caused issues was DF making out that he was busier than me and he is "tired" when he gets home from work and I tried to explain to him that my job is 24 hours, sometimes I dont get a lunch break! lol, so we have learnt to respect eachother and our "jobs" are both busy! It was a big life style change for us and we are slowly getting the hang of it. We usually watch TV together at night when caden has gone to bed or go on our computers or whatever. We havent "you know what'd" since b4 caden was born sooo that puts a bit of strain on things relationship wise, but DF knows I wont do it until Im ready. ------------- |
Posted By: busymum
Date Posted: 05 September 2008 at 8:19pm
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We really struggled at the beginning, and then again at the 2nd baby because I needed more help around home. It's hard to think so far back but I just wanted to let you know that you're not alone! -------------  |
Posted By: Sad1
Date Posted: 06 September 2008 at 7:18am
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It is soo good to hear all of your stories. Thank you for ideas on what you do to keep it all rolling along nicely.
I think we have just let things get out of control. We use to have such a great realationship. I'm just so gutted.I would never had believed that this would happen to us 6 months ago. We actually went to councilling because I just couldn't sit back and let us tear our marriage apart. We were getting in a rut we couldn't get out. Probably mourning the loss of our "old" life instead of concentrating on celebrating our new beginnings. We have also had some really great talks in the last few days before and after councillng. We don't have family support (ie noone in Auckland) but we have spoken to a friend in a similar situation and we are going to babysit for eachother so we can have time out. DH finishes study soon so when that is over it will really help too. He also realises that he hasn't been supportive and has started making more of an effort so I just hope that it will continue. |
Posted By: Andie
Date Posted: 06 September 2008 at 9:31am
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First of all, good on you for going to counselling and talking it through together - it'll get better, honest!!
We found the adjustment very hard too, well, I sure did. Horrible, actually. I was miserable! You're right - it's not only the issue of being so busy with baby that's hard, but your whole identity seems to change, especially for us mums, and throw in the financial issues and loss of the freedom you had with your time before baby, and it's a hard adjustment to make! And guys don't seem to understand how tiring and repetitive, stressful and sometimes even boring it can be being home with a new baby... it has to be explained to them in nice, simple language! And sometimes, it's too much to expect them to really 'get it' and truely understand, because they haven't walked in our shoes, but so long as they can still do what it takes to support you in your job, that's plenty good enough! They don't have to 'get it' like your girlfriends might, just like many of us won't really understand what it's like being in their shoes. The best you can do it keep up the communication, and know that you're not alone, and it will get easier. ------------- Andie |
Posted By: Sad1
Date Posted: 10 September 2008 at 9:53am
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Hi Girls
Just wanted to let you know that things are sooo much better between DH and I. 
Counselling worked a treat. We were just in a hole really. We have both made the effort and haven't had a fight or disagreement since. We have made time together and also as a family. DH was under alot of stress with work and study but we have talked it through and made sure that we won't let this happen again. We have made some goals for the future (ie holidays, gardening project....) so that we have something positive to focus on. We have also made arrangements for babysitters and will make sure we use them. Thank you for your support. 
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Posted By: busymum
Date Posted: 10 September 2008 at 7:13pm
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Awesome to hear!!! ------------- |
Posted By: babyg
Date Posted: 10 September 2008 at 7:55pm
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Keep it up Sad1 - good stuff!!
I think our relationship has been better (was always pretty good) since I've been back at work part-time. It may have something to do with DH feeling less pressure, but mostly it has given us more time to talk (we are stuck in a car together for nearly half an hour to and from work) so thats our talk time or 'clear the air' time and then when we get home we share all the responsibilities and then get us time again after C goes down to bed. It is working really really well - much better than I thought it would. ------------- Ev, Mum to: Carys Ruby - 4 October 2007 Spencer James - 2 July 2010 |
Posted By: chonny
Date Posted: 14 September 2008 at 8:01am
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hey Sad1, glad ot hear thigns are btter for you guys. Not sure where in aucks you live or how old bubs/kid are but i,m n south auckland soif you ever wanna pm me you welcome to. -------------   
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Posted By: Sad1
Date Posted: 27 September 2008 at 9:08am
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Me again.
We have been on holiday and both had such a great time. But now we are back I feel sad again. I guess it is because we are back to reality. I didn't tell you the whole story before........I found out DH was emailing a girl he met through work to "catch up" for an afternoon. And I don't mean afternoon tea! I know 100% it never happened as I caught their emails in time before a time/date was made. DH said he missed that feeling of being wanted and intimacy. He said he felt so guilty and in the morning of the day I found out, before he left for work he grabbed me and said "I just love you soo much". At the time I thought it was kind of weird how he did it. I think if that hadn't had happened I wouldn't of believed anything else he had to say. Anyway, the councellor has said that it will take time for me to trust him again. But unfortunately I am the sort of person that once trust is broken I won't ever trust you again (I get this from past experiences ie my Mum leaving me when i was early teens). My biggest worry is that I will never trust him again or he will do it again. I don't want to live my life like that. Sometimes everything is fine and then I get really sad or angry. Sorry for long post - I guess I need to get it off my chest. I haven't told anyone else as I don't like telling friends or family my personal business plus I don't want people to think less of DH. |
Posted By: chonny
Date Posted: 27 September 2008 at 10:09am
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sad1, i can totally sympathise with you, i haven't had the same situation, but things haven't been lovey dovey since we got engaged 4 years ago. i know how you feel bout being happy sometimes then just down right sad & angry. my counsellor really helped me to deal with my past & issues from it & i now feel like i can try & believe that dh might change. perhaps just giving your counsellor time to help you work through your past issues before focusing on your marriage? anyways, PM me if you want anytime. -------------
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Posted By: BessieBear
Date Posted: 27 September 2008 at 10:31am
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oh lovee i found a couple of 'mens magazines' a couple of weeks back and i had a fit. they were hidden under the pull out couch in the spare room. and they were dated aug and sept 08. Dh pulled his head in for about a week and was all apologetic but things are kinda wierd between us. before we had ryan dh wouldnt really cuddle me much i thought he be all touchy feely being a belly but he wasnt hes kinda distant now. hes ok with ryan but he gets frustrated real easy when ryans crying or wont take his bottle. it annoys me. sometimes well alot rreally dh will come home, shower with ryan and the plonk in front of the tv and that'll be it. if i try to talk to him its hard for him to pay attention even for a second ill be talking away and they ill be like carl....carl and he's like yeah what?? grrr it makes me so mad. its like hes not really interested. i heard a few years ago that the LOVe particles in the human body only really last a year and then you just friends. sometimes i think about this and its like friends with a kind of cant be bothered sexual relationship. ------------- Sarah Mum to, Boy 07/2008, Girl 03/2010, Boy 05/2012, Angel  07/08/2014
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Posted By: busymum
Date Posted: 27 September 2008 at 2:44pm
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Big hugs.
Last summer hol's DH and I went and bought a book about "affair-proof your marriage" (i think that was the title). Anyway it was very helpful and said a lot of things about making determined efforts to make your relationship work, not just hope it will come together on its own. We were really shocked by some of the content; we had been married for 5yrs and thought we had a good marriage up until then. We didn't actually realise that we could have been close ourselves. I'm glad you have counselling and your DH sounds like a gem deep down. ------------- |
Posted By: kakapo
Date Posted: 27 September 2008 at 8:08pm
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Sorry to hear you're still feeling sad A friend of mine recommends every couple reads this book: http://blog.seattlepi.nwsource.com/happilyevenafter/archives/115555.asp - The Five Love Languages , by Gary Chapman (the link takes you to a book review page). You might be able to borrow it from the library? I found it useful - learnt something about both myself and DH and it's helped our relationship through its ups and downs. |