Asking for Help
Printed From: OHbaby!
Category: General Chat
Forum Name: General Chat
Forum Description: For mums, dads, parents-to-be, grandparents, friends -- you name it! And you name the topic you want to chat about!
URL: https://www.ohbaby.co.nz/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=20723
Printed Date: 11 October 2025 at 4:46am
Software Version: Web Wiz Forums 12.05 - http://www.webwizforums.com
Topic: Asking for Help
Posted By: my4beauties
Subject: Asking for Help
Date Posted: 07 September 2008 at 2:58pm
|
Has anyone ever asked for help, when you feel that you really need it, and noone has offered? I'm talking about when you want someone to cook you meals or help to do your housework.
Generally I've never needed to ask, after having each baby my mum has offered straight away to cook us meals for up to 2 weeks, and do the housework, pick up groceries etc. My sisters are pretty good and will come to visit and do a chore before they leave. If anyone has said "can I do anything to help" while they've visited, I've taken them up on their offer and said "well actually it would be really helpful if you could ...." if I've got washing to hang out, or to be folded.
But right now, I'm not getting any offers and I would love some help!! Dh is disabled due to having a knee op and needs crutches to walk, and can't stand for long. I'm doing everything myself, caring for the kids, the housework and for Dh. I've never been in this position before, and I'm all frazzled. It makes it worse that I'm really angry that noone (besides MIL) has come to help, or even offered.
So I'm thinking I'm going to have to put myself out there and ask for some. But I'm wondering how I ask this. It may sound silly, but I would feel rude asking someone to cook a meal for my family, or come & take care of some of the housework. I would only ask this of my own family, as I feel like none of my friends care at the moment!
I would love someone to come around at 4:30pm, bath the kids and clothe them, and get them seated for dinner, while I cook it in the meantime. It would take such a load off the evening routine for me.
So if you've asked for help before, how did you go about it?
------------- My babies: R (9),G (7), J (5) http://lilypie.com" rel="nofollow"> 
|
Replies:
Posted By: Kels
Date Posted: 07 September 2008 at 3:04pm
|
I havent asked for help, but have relied on my mum to have the kids over night for me esp if they havent been there in a while then I start getting to the stage where I need the break more than anything. I wish I lived closer I would love to come and help out. Its always nice when people offer tho and it is hard asking. I have never been able to ask anyone so sorry can help you there. I hope DH heals soon and up and about to help you out. ------------- http://lilypie.com"> 
Busy mum to Miss 15yrs, Miss 10yrs and Master 4yrs |
Posted By: Daizy
Date Posted: 07 September 2008 at 3:31pm
I have never been one to ask for help either so I;m sorry I have no tips on how to ask.
 Hope you manage to get some sort of break and DH is back to helping out soon.
Its made me realise that I never think of helping out when other people may need it. Even the simplest things can things can help so much! I would so love it if someone would just come and do my washing or cook me dinner right now - we have all been really sick with the flu and Im just too tired to do anything. Even my mum doesnt bother and she only lives next door  ------------- 
 
|
Posted By: arohanui
Date Posted: 07 September 2008 at 3:35pm
|
Oh man that must be so hard. Sometimes I find it hard only with one little baby and a sick DH.
I don't really have much advice sorry... cos I'm the same, I feel stink asking for help. But then I think that I should just get over myself, cos I know I'd be upset if I found out my friend was struggling and I didn't know to help. Sometimes friends get in their own little bubble and just get busy with life, it doesn't mean they don't care but they're just distracted. Well I know sometimes I'm guilty of that. I don't know if your friends are like that, just a thought. Maybe you could just drop them a text or an email, sorta asking how they are etc, and saying something like "I'm finding things quite hard at the moment, dealing with all the kids and DH not being able to help. I feel bad asking but I was wondering if you were free any time to help out a little bit". Might sound a bit naff but that's probably what I'd say. Another option might be paying a local teenager to help out with the evening routine? When I was at uni I did this for a family a couple of nights a week, had 3 preschoolers all in the bath together (actually when I started they were 2 toddlers and a baby), and the mum would cook dinner. I know she appreciated the break. And if it was a teenager you wouldn't have to pay them quite as much... there's some really capable and caring teenagers out there. Another thought... you could always contact your local church and just tell them about the difficulty you're having at the moment and what would help, and that you wondered if they had anyone who would be able to help in that way? I know that my church has a person in charge of pastoral care, she organises childcare, housecleaning, dinners etc for families in need (either a part of the church family or not). OK so I had more ideas than I thought I had lol, funny how it often turns out that way. Anyway so not really my experience of asking for help but just some thoughts... and I hope there is some way you feel comfortable of getting some help cos far out lady, what a huge job you're doing!  ------------- Mama to DS1 (5 years), DS2 (3 years) and... http://alterna-tickers.com" rel="nofollow"> 
|
Posted By: AnnC
Date Posted: 07 September 2008 at 3:41pm
aw must be hard chick but I am like the others i just can't ask for help. Although if it was my mother I would be happy to ask.
I like that way of putting and it would be something I would say to my mum. ------------- Ann 
Also Mum to Josh (15) and Brooke (10) |
arohanui wrote:Posted By: caliandjack
Date Posted: 07 September 2008 at 3:45pm
|
Sometimes I think you need to tell people and ask. I had a friend in hospital, she had stomachsurgery, didn't know she was going in. If I had I would have brought her some baking or something at home so she didn't have to do it herself.
I'm probably the worst housekeeper, but I'm happy to make dinner and look after the kids for others. ------------- http://lilypie.com" rel="nofollow">   [/url] Angel June 2012 |
Posted By: busymum
Date Posted: 07 September 2008 at 3:51pm
|
I haven't... but DH often says I should. I just feel too embarrassed to, and like other people are probably looking after their own families. I hope you find the help you need, though. Oh to have a teenage sister at this point (for you) who could come by after school! -------------  |
Posted By: mummy_becks
Date Posted: 07 September 2008 at 5:38pm
|
I have (and T you asked me to help you when you got sick to drive you to the dr), and she did kinda offer to help me. Earlier this year when I got sick (both GF and CF) I couldn't do anything, the dishes and washing were piling up and my friend came around and I said to her I wasn't coping (she knew how sick I was) and sleeping most of the day away. She told me she was coming around the next day to do the dishes and the washing and it was the best help in the world to get. I agree with what Liz said seeing the local church or even the local high school to see if there are any students that want some work experience with 3 children after school for a few days a week. ------------- I was a puree feeder, forward facing, cot sleeping, pram pushing kind of Mum... and my kids survived! |
Posted By: busymum
Date Posted: 07 September 2008 at 7:03pm
|
Oh yes I asked for help once (from a couple of people too!) because I had benign positional vertigo (dizzy spells that make you sick) when Kryssi was about one month old, and I needed to get to the dr. ------------- |
Posted By: mrsturtle
Date Posted: 07 September 2008 at 7:18pm
| Is your DH on Acc? A friend of mine recently had shoulder surgery and needed help with cooking washing etc with her 2 boys and hubby and Acc gave them some hours for someone to help. You could ask if thats possible. |
Posted By: fire_engine
Date Posted: 07 September 2008 at 7:39pm
|
I haven't asked, and I hate asking. One thing I find hard is when people have volunteered to help, but then haven't actually done what they said they'd do (e.g. I had several friends promise to bring meals, but only one person did). I don't want to sound ungrateful, but it's like you feel there's a light at the end of the tunnel and then it disappears. ------------- Mum to two wee boys |
Posted By: 2bmumof3
Date Posted: 07 September 2008 at 7:58pm
|
What about trying your local nanny training facility? I think they need to do so many hours as part of their training anyway? ------------- Sara Corban (22/11/04) Connor (18/04/06) Chelsea (21/05/08) 
|
Posted By: Phat_Cat
Date Posted: 07 September 2008 at 8:03pm
|
i was going to say get in touch with a parent port or something similar and see if they can help. When tristen was only a few weeks old and i was bedridden after an absess surgery I had a homehelp type lady come in for a few hours a week and do whatever housework i wanted her to do. I dont really get much help from either side of the family (only MIL occasionally when i ask her to look after tristen when i need to work) ------------- Tristen - 24/06/07 Rylan - 11/12/08 Angel Babies -14/08/05 & 21/01/2010 Curtis - 26/02/12 |
Posted By: .Mel
Date Posted: 07 September 2008 at 8:13pm
|
Was it done thru ACC? Couldn't they help in some way?
What about sending out a group email to family and just saying hey guys I need your help.... Are there any Oh Baby girls down your way that could help out in some way? ------------- Mr Mellow (16) Miss Attitude (8) Destructa Kid (3) 
|
Posted By: my4beauties
Date Posted: 07 September 2008 at 8:48pm
|
Thanks gals for your replies. Great ideas you all have. It's just putting it into action now I suppose. I don't know why I feel so bad or rude to ask people for help. I know I'd be there in an instance if it was one of my family or friends.
Edited to add: sorry I started this post hours ago, and only just posted it - to see more of you have replied
On the ACC front, yes they paid for his op and loss of income, and when DH first spoke to someone from ACC after the op they said he'd be entitled to homehelp, but when we went in to the ACC office last week (a week after surgery) and asked the case manager & she said since he's living with someone that we're not entitled to homehelp. I thought the fact we had 3 kids would help our cause, but she didn't bat an eyelid about that. ------------- My babies: R (9),G (7), J (5) http://lilypie.com" rel="nofollow">
|
.Posted By: Bizzy
Date Posted: 07 September 2008 at 9:17pm
|
um dont know about the asking for help side of it but wanted to say that maybe while you are finding things difficult you need to change the way you do things for a while...
for instance bath the kids at a diff time of the day... and hubby can still help out by sitting on the floor and dressing them and/or reading them stories and keeping them occupied... or he can sit at the table and cut the veges up while you do the bath. ------------- http://www.myfitnesspal.com/weight-loss-ticker"> 
|
Posted By: Candkids
Date Posted: 07 September 2008 at 9:22pm
|
you may want to check that out with acc again italiah, pretty often they will all tell you someting different, perhaps tell them your situation and say you NEED some help, ring the 0800 number and just ask the person you get, i deal with acc on a daily basis and its amazing how many different answers you get!
worth a try tho 
------------- http://lilypie.com" rel="nofollow">  DD 10.5yrs DS 6yrs DS 11mths 5 little angles watching from above |
Posted By: kathyandbub
Date Posted: 07 September 2008 at 9:43pm
| hey were abouts in the bay do you live? i no that you dont know me at all but i love cleaning other peoples houses(though not realy my own) |
Posted By: my4beauties
Date Posted: 08 September 2008 at 9:11am
|
I've thought about that Bizzy, but I'm still doing ALL the work, no matter what time of day it is that I do it. I guess it means though that I'm soo tired by the time I get to bed I'm having good sleeps!
I was thinking the same, Cat about ringing ACC up & speaking to someone else about homehelp. I'll check it out again.
But I think I'll ask my mum (she's the one with least responsibility I know) to come over in the evening to help out. I'll cook for her as well so she won't have to worry about that. ------------- My babies: R (9),G (7), J (5) http://lilypie.com" rel="nofollow">
|
Posted By: my4beauties
Date Posted: 08 September 2008 at 9:19am
|
The other thing I was thinking about, is that if it was me that had the surgery, then they would send homehelp around, because they wouldn't expect DH to do everything! But because I'm usually the SAHM there is no help available to me. So not only do I get no help from Dh, I have an extra person to care for as well.
I'm used to doing everything myself up til Dh gets home from work anyway, but he's a big help in the evenings & we share the load. The weekends are normally a lot easier with Dh being home so the load is halfed again. So this weekend & the last I was run off my feet & not happy that I had no "rest" time as i usually would. I'm looking forward very much to when he's more mobile. ------------- My babies: R (9),G (7), J (5) http://lilypie.com" rel="nofollow">
|
Posted By: Bizzy
Date Posted: 08 September 2008 at 9:41am
|
sorry but i dont understand why he still cant help, its his leg thats hurt not his arms... surely he can fold washing, chop veges, play games with the kids..all things that dont need to done standing up.
he can even sit in the bathroom while the kids have their bath so you can be doing other stuff. put him to work i say... ------------- http://www.myfitnesspal.com/weight-loss-ticker">
|
Posted By: AnnC
Date Posted: 08 September 2008 at 6:41pm
|
I must agree with Bizzy in that its his leg and he can do all those things to help you.
------------- Ann
Also Mum to Josh (15) and Brooke (10) |
Posted By: jaz
Date Posted: 08 September 2008 at 7:30pm
|
Hi Italiah
We are in a similar situation as I am recovering from hip surgery, on crutches and not able to drive for about six weeks. We have two children and don't qualify for home help as DH is a SAHD. On top of that I went back to work until 2pm 3 1/2 weeks after my surgery and DP drove me there then picked me up a few hours later. We've simplified things a lot and are managing just fine. If a girlfriend drops around and DP wants to go grocery shopping I ask if she can stay and change nappies but thats about all the help I've asked for. My visitors are pretty good at bringing biscuts or something if they drop in but we haven't had any help with housework or meal preparation, mostly because they have their own families so are pretty busy, and also because I feel we are managing. Here are a few things we are doing to make things easier. Put the washing in the dryer Cook a big roast or stew/casserole, enough to last two nights. Glad wrap ready plated meals and put them in the fridge for the second night. Heat and eat Canned vege soup and baked beans toasted sandwhiches contain all food groups, especially if you eat fruit for pudding. Buy easy to prepare food - frozen veges, ready washed potatoes and chicken pieces are all good Stock up on everything when you grocery shop Buy bread and milk when you are out, you'll probably be running out anyway. These are the things I can't do Carry washing out to the line Strip the beds Carry in shopping Vacuming Bath the baby Get on the floor to play These are the things I've been doing since about two weeks after my surgery. Making sandwhiches at the kitchen bench Chopping veges for dinner (first I sat at the table) Folding washing once DP's thrown in on the table (again, started by sitting at the table) Cooking a stir fry with a chair on hand for regular 'sits' Making a pot of vege soup once the veges were all placed on the bench for me. Washing the dishes Feeding the baby once he's already in the highchair, wiping his hands and face etc. You will probably find his surgeon, physiotherapist and OT have all told him to use his knee, get exercise but avoid certain movements. ------------- http://lilypie.com"> 
|
Posted By: busymum
Date Posted: 08 September 2008 at 7:55pm
|
When I broke my foot last year we had a tonne of home help through ACC for my jobs around the house. Which was heaps because I was SAHM to 3 kids haha! They should be able to cover all the jobs that your DH is solely responsible for. They will ask questions like, for example:
ACC: do you usually do the grocery shopping? Injured: yes. ACC: is there someone else who could do that? Injured: yes, my wife could. ACC: Ok no need for home help there then. So it has to be something like, when I get home from work I usually look after the kids for an hour or so, while my wife gets dinner ready. Or, I usually do the dishes but my wife could do that if someone could look after the kids for her. Call up ACC and see how you go  ------------- |
Posted By: jaz
Date Posted: 08 September 2008 at 8:00pm
|
We tried that busymum and it didn't work. DP works evenings so I was home with the kids from about 4.30pm until about 9.30pm from about 2.5 weeks after surgery. Their criteria was 'must have someone home DURING THE DAY to help'. Because DP could do the washing, shopping, housework and prepare us a meal before he went to work this was considered all ok.
Italiah - I was told to request a social worker to assess our situation if I felt I wasn't coping to see if we needed some extra help. You may want to try this avenue if you haven't already. ------------- http://lilypie.com">
|
Posted By: BaAsKa
Date Posted: 09 September 2008 at 11:08am
sorry if someone else has answered thisbut im too lazy to read right now! lol When my DH chopped part of his hand off and was on ACC we were offered home help because we had 2 kids but we said no because my mum was helping....so i would definately hit them up about it again! she/he sounds like a crabby case manager!! 
im sure there are alot of OB mums here that are willing to help you - me for 1 - im a wee while away but more than willing to help if ya want , i tend to go wandering over to Tauranga visiting anyway
|
Posted By: BaAsKa
Date Posted: 09 September 2008 at 11:12am
|
ok i read the other replies and it seems like ACC case managers vary in what they want to help with
|
Posted By: Kels
Date Posted: 09 September 2008 at 2:25pm
|
Wow I wonder if I can ring Acc for home help (even tho I havent had an accident) I have 3 kids and do everything with no help and I work and study.I should be getting 24/7 homehelp!!! ------------- http://lilypie.com">
Busy mum to Miss 15yrs, Miss 10yrs and Master 4yrs |