My turn to rant!
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Topic: My turn to rant!
Posted By: FionaS
Subject: My turn to rant!
Date Posted: 08 September 2008 at 5:59am
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I just don't know where to turn.
My mother stated to me recently that that she no longer has a daughter. It is a very long story and I won't go into the details. Suffice to say, she has gradually cut everyone off and is now pushing me away too. I tried to assure her that I love and value her but she wouldn't hear it. She never calls me or makes contact. She has decided that as DH's mother looks after Gabrielle, that she is totally useless and redundant and may as well stay right away. In reality, DH's mother doens't work, mine does hence why one can look after her during the week and the other can't. I was hit with this when I called her to say I was missing her and to seek some support. I mentioned that I was feeling quite desperate due to lack of sleep etc and that I've been FEELING like perhaps Elle's issues overtime are indicative that I'm a useless mother. My mother simply said "yeap". I've been awake since 1am again tonight as Elle has been singing and talking loudly. It is now 5.30am and she has only just gone back to sleep. This is now a normal night for her. I got upset about it and now I can't sleep. I don't know how to cope with Elle's nightwakings. As most of you know, no professional, doctor etc can offer any help except to say she MAY be on the autistic spectrum. She has no other autistic-like symptoms/traits what-so-ever so those who know Elle find that hard to believe. Most doctors etc have never heard of a child being awake in this way. We had a good patch sleep-wise and I felt so full of life again. I'm not depressed, during the day I feel hopeful and happy and I enjoy life. BUT when I get no sleep, I get migraines, chest pains and am just thoroughly worried about my child. Gabrielle's recent patch of insomnia has been severe and has been coupled with the appearance of the "terrible twos" so it makes it tough. Some say I should just sleep through it as she is making happy sounds after all. But in all honesty, this is my child and she is awake for up to 6 hours solidly every night. She is then pale, grumpy and shattered during the day. She has been so tired lately, melting down over everything and wanting to sit, watch TV and cuddle as she is too tired for anything else. I really don't comprehend how anyone could not be awake and concerned when that was going on. Some say she is "gifted" an understimulated. But what if she is actually over stimulated? How to do I know? Where do I turn? How do I keep up my work on no sleep? How can I be the best mother I can be with no sleep? Sorry to rant- the stuff with my mum is really hurting and it makes it harder to cope with the lack of sleep. P.S I know I am blessed to have a loving husband, an intelligent and beautiful daughter, a home etc so I'm sorry about ranting! ------------- Mummy to Gabrielle and Ashley |
Replies:
Posted By: james
Date Posted: 08 September 2008 at 6:31am
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aww hun rant away big big hugs hun ------------- <a href="http://lilypie.com"><img src="http://b4.lilypie.com/nLJ5p13.png" alt="Lilypie 4th Birthday Ticker" border="0" /></a> |
Posted By: LizzyJ
Date Posted: 08 September 2008 at 7:29am
firstly 
Secondly forget the Autism, If she is tired during the day from bing awake at night this is not the autism sign, autistic kids can survive on very very little sleep but they tend not to show any side effects from it, same during the day on only a few hours sleep (i am involved with kids with intellectual disabilitites including a few with various forms of autism). Also ignore what your mother said, she was trying to hurt you. You could write her a letter letting her know that she has hurt you and how, and although she consideres that she no longer has a daughter you will always be there for her. Is there something in her life that is causing her to cut everyone off?? My mom has random moments that seem a lot like this but she also forgets about them in a couple of weeks and continues as if nothing has happened. ------------- http://lilypie.com">  http://lilypie.com"> 
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Posted By: Kels
Date Posted: 08 September 2008 at 8:05am
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Agree with this. Does Elle have any night lights in her room or any type of light shining into room? Only asking as light can effect the melatonin levels and also trigger her brain to say "wakey wakey". You could also get some melatonin suppliments and see if that would help her. Lesieli never slept and suffered from insomnia from a newborn. She never slept through the night till after she started school. She would be up at night and I would leave her to it from about a year onwards. Her cot was safe and there was no way I was catering to her midnight crib party. Unlike Elle thought she was never tired the next day. She has bouts now and then and will come in in tears because she cant sleep. I just use lavender to help her settle and a warm milk drinks.
------------- http://lilypie.com"> 
Busy mum to Miss 15yrs, Miss 10yrs and Master 4yrs |
LizzyJ wrote:Posted By: susieq
Date Posted: 08 September 2008 at 8:06am
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Big hugs, but I have friends with children on the autism spectrum who sometimes dont sleep but also I say forget the autism
she could be highly intelligent |
Posted By: susieq
Date Posted: 08 September 2008 at 8:08am
| My friends with autistic kids are in our special needssupport group and there are many conflicting things about how thay behave but I dont think from what you say that Elle is autistic |
Posted By: FionaS
Date Posted: 08 September 2008 at 8:13am
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She is often not tired after a night of partying but has been a grump lately and seems tired but might not be... ------------- Mummy to Gabrielle and Ashley |
Posted By: FionaS
Date Posted: 08 September 2008 at 8:15am
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Oh and no, her room is pitch black. ------------- Mummy to Gabrielle and Ashley |
Posted By: nikkitheknitter
Date Posted: 08 September 2008 at 8:34am
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Been to a naturopath type? I'm just wondering if they can come up with anything else? I know you are probably sick to death of trying different fix-alls but it might be worth a try?
And surround yourself with supportive people Fiona. Your mother is NOT your child. It sounds to me like she is suffering depression but you will not be able to deal with it if you are feeling a bit tired and weak yourself. She needs professional help. Hang out with people who will have a positive effect on you and Elle 
xo |
Posted By: Bizzy
Date Posted: 08 September 2008 at 9:29am
you have to decide what is more beneficial to her - a mother who is awake in the night worrying about her being awake - or a mother who has had enough sleep to deal with her. if you sleep while she is awake in the night it doesnt mean you dont care about her but that you are putting your energies elsewhere. as to your mum, you have to prioritise and at the moment you and elle are top of that list, not her. ------------- http://www.myfitnesspal.com/weight-loss-ticker"> 
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Posted By: Bizzy
Date Posted: 08 September 2008 at 9:32am
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oh and i like what kels said too... wonder if a lavender pillow would help? ------------- http://www.myfitnesspal.com/weight-loss-ticker">
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Posted By: meow
Date Posted: 08 September 2008 at 9:39am
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Don't have any advice but just wanted to say don't apologise for ranting! Things are tough for you right now, and it's good to get these worries off your chest. ------------- http://lilypie.com"> 
http://lilypie.com"> 
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Posted By: FionaS
Date Posted: 08 September 2008 at 9:52am
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Yeah I agree Bizzy but it is harder said than done when it is 1am and you are woken and feel shattered. Night time is dangerous...it is easy to be consumed by things that don't bother us during the day.
And yeap, done the naturopath and done the lavender :) ------------- Mummy to Gabrielle and Ashley |
Posted By: Jay_R
Date Posted: 08 September 2008 at 9:55am
Fiona, I'm home on Thursdays. If you and Elle do end up coming to the same swimming lessons as Josh and I, once we get to know each other better and Elle feels comfortable with us, I would be more than happy to bring her to our place or something for the afternoon so you can have a sleep 
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Posted By: fattartsrock
Date Posted: 08 September 2008 at 2:14pm
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you have to decide what is more beneficial to her - a mother who is awake in the night worrying about her being awake - or a mother who has had enough sleep to deal with her. if you sleep while she is awake in the night it doesnt mean you dont care about her but that you are putting your energies elsewhere.
as to your mum, you have to prioritise and at the moment you and elle are top of that list, not her. Cut and paste in high agreement with Biz. My two cents. Ok. First up, this might sound a bit harsh, but here goes anyhow. I have been through this with Jacob and offered advice many many times to you, but I'm not even sure you read my answers. Trust me, I have been there. Forget the "labels", Atuism, etc. That dosen't help YOU at all and dosen't fix the problem. Heres what you need to do. You need to get some sleep during the day if you can. Get someone to take Elle for a few hours so you can get some sleep. Even one hour would be beneficial. early afternoon is best and dosen't leave you hungover feeling at tea time. If you can't fdo this during the week, so it at the weekend. Go to bed early a few nights a week if you can to "store" sleep up. not particually fair on hubby or yourself, but if you need to sleep, you need to sleep. Take the getting up and worrying in shifts and the one whos turn it isn't sleeps in another room with earplugs. Get your MIL to have her overnight once in a while if you can. Take turns at the weekend for a sleep in. The gettign up partner (the one who wan't up all night) takes Her out for a few hours so the other can sleep. beleive me, when you are desperate, some fo these ideas help. Notice I haven't suggested anything to do with Elle. Mr Doctor (quite harshly) told me that it was MY problem, and not Jakes, as he seemed ok with the long periods of sleeplessness. It was worst from about 2 till about 2.5 years old Now he sleeps much better, and more often than not we have all night sleep from him. We do stil have awake nights though, but thankfully after a few nights like this he gets back to normal, or I send him to grans for a night. Try to stop worrying about it. It does sort itself out eventually. I have gone from surviing on about 4 broken hours sleep a night to getting about 5 unbroken hours, and more often than not now, some on either side of that. And as for your Mum, sounds like she is thrivng on the attention. Just don't buy into it if you can help it. Good luck. ------------- The Honest Un PC Parent of 2, usually stuck in the naughty corner! :P |
Posted By: FionaS
Date Posted: 08 September 2008 at 3:41pm
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Thanks fattarts. I do read your posts and appreciate your words of wisdom :)
My rant was more about Mum than anything :) I am not concerned about autism, just mention it for background. Elle is a spirited, intelligent little leader who amazes me daily and IMO is faaaaaaaaar from autistic! I read all posts in great detail and really appreciate the encouragement. Sometimes it's the simple things we need to hear over and over as they are the easiest things to lose sight of
And as for Bizzy's advice...I totally agree and I'm trying really hard
Thank you all so much :) Just needed a few cyber hugs I think...weak but true ------------- Mummy to Gabrielle and Ashley |
Posted By: fattartsrock
Date Posted: 08 September 2008 at 4:40pm
Ah mothers... aging drama queens.... got one of them, too... however she has gotten heaps better now we ignore or laugh at the dramatics. Stressful though!
------------- The Honest Un PC Parent of 2, usually stuck in the naughty corner! :P |
Posted By: lovingmummyhood
Date Posted: 08 September 2008 at 6:01pm
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Sorry, I don't have any practical advice for you but just wanted to say, how awesome you're feeling more positive now!
You are obviously doing a great job raising your beautiful daughter 
Also, couldn't help noticing what an amazing group of caring supportive people on here with lots of great advice for you. OhBaby rocks!! Take care ------------- http://lilypie.com">  http://lilypie.com">
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Posted By: AnnC
Date Posted: 08 September 2008 at 7:02pm
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OK ONE POINT I WANTED TO SAY IS:
Autistic Children ARE intelligent!!! I say this as people keep saying she is intelligent and mentioning austic like they aren't ------------- Ann 
Also Mum to Josh (15) and Brooke (10) |
Posted By: AnnC
Date Posted: 08 September 2008 at 7:07pm
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Now to your problem, I really feel you mother is being unfair and I guess you already know this. Had you been not so sleep depribed it wouldn't bother you half as much.
As for Ella not sleeping I think you have done all you can and now it is up to ella to decide when she wants to - so you not sleeping listening to her isn't helping her or you. i know easy said than done. ------------- Ann
Also Mum to Josh (15) and Brooke (10) |
Posted By: MrsMojo
Date Posted: 08 September 2008 at 7:17pm
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I think you know that your mum is being emotionally abusive but it's hard not to let harsh words like that affect you, especially when you're so tired and looking for a reason why Elle is having sleep issues. Stop looking at yourself as the cause of the problem. Insomnia is real, sufferers can be any age, and it has nothing to do with the way they are parented. I haven't got any suggestions to add to those above but hopefully one, or several, of the ideas can help. -------------  
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Posted By: kakapo
Date Posted: 08 September 2008 at 7:46pm
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I'm guessing you've already visited, but just in case you haven't you may want to take a look at the http://www.babywhispererforums.com/ - baby whisperer website for ideas about night waking etc? |
Posted By: busymum
Date Posted: 08 September 2008 at 8:01pm
Fiona, your mum's attitude really sucks!  and I'm sorry she is being so hurtful at this time. Is she old??-------------  |
Posted By: FionaS
Date Posted: 08 September 2008 at 8:14pm
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Will be 60 this year so no, not really old.
Thanks for the link...I have been to that site. Alllllllllllll the sites deal with crying at night. And yes, on some level I know we are lucky she doesn't cry!! Been feeling fine today, albeit sad about Mum. We are off to get a script for Melatonin for Elle tomorrow. The doc we saw hadn't heard of it but when I told him about it, went and researched it and found that sure enough it is known to be very effective in stopping long nightwakings. Please please please please let it work!!!! I feel amazing after just a few nights of sleep so can't wait to have a whole week or month of them!! ------------- Mummy to Gabrielle and Ashley |
Posted By: My3Sons
Date Posted: 08 September 2008 at 8:15pm
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Hugs Fiona!! ------------- Mum to Mr 10, Mr 6 and Mr 4
 
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Posted By: My3Sons
Date Posted: 08 September 2008 at 8:17pm
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and will have my fingers crossed for you that the Melatonin works for Elle and you are all gettings ome more sleep soon!! Keep us updated! ------------- Mum to Mr 10, Mr 6 and Mr 4
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Posted By: KiwiL
Date Posted: 08 September 2008 at 11:41pm
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Good luck Fiona... I have just come across snippets of the night waking issues you've had with wee Elle, and I can imagine how frustrating, and worrying, they are.
But I also know how much you've done to try to find the cause and help your little girl. Everything I have ever seen or read on here points to you being an absolutely amazing mum. Your daughter is smart and from photos I have seen, beautifully cared for. Lack of sleep can really play havoc with your mind, but don't start doubting your ability as a mum. Big hugs!! As for your own mother, I can sympathsize. My mum and I struggle to connect, and this has lead to some emotional periods at times, where we have both said and done hurtful things. Since growing up more, I have tried a lot harder with my mum and sometimes have to ignore the strange things she does. From face value, it seems that your mum is insecure about something, and perhaps trying to get at you because of it. I would second writing a letter to her - that way you can do it without the cloud of emotion, and edit it before it is sent. It also gives your mum the chance to consider how she reacts to your words. Hopefully she will realise that you love her, and that she loves you just as much back, and that she is silly to risk jeopardising the relationship with her granddaughter. In my mum's case, I suspect there may be a mental instability (ie bi-polar or mild schizophrenia) but she refuses to see anyone about this possibility. Is there a chance there could be something like that with your mum? It could even be depression. Obviously, my comments are pure speculation. But I just wanted to pop on here and send some virtual support and reassure you that you are doing a good job with Gabrielle. |
Posted By: KiwiL
Date Posted: 08 September 2008 at 11:50pm
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Oh, and PS, I know what it's like to get a wee pick-me-up from some virtual hugs... heck, you contributed to one for me only hours ago! It's not weak - it's using the support networks available.
I feel very lucky to have OhBaby members to call on. Feel free to rant any time! |
Posted By: katie1
Date Posted: 09 September 2008 at 8:54am
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I don't have anything else to add but think you are doing a great job. I really hope the Melatonin works.
Hang in there.
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Posted By: Bombshell
Date Posted: 09 September 2008 at 12:04pm
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i feel for you - that sleep deprivation is hard!!!
I still think something is going on with her that you need to look into on a psychological level...i feel that you keep ignoring those suggestions. Have you actually had her assessed now? You kept mentioning that you were thinking about it etc.... The other thing is what about contacting that sleep place in waikato that Isla (i think?) went through....no she isnt a new born etc but having her and her behaviours watched might bring out some interesting results or suggestions for you. The other thing is a paed referral to starship to look into it....and possibly - and this is longer shot option...a cat scan / mri type scan to see if there is anything else going on? I dont know if maybe being with her gma is not helping her? What about DC? or a nanny etc??? Im not sure if she is still in any DC - think she was? as for your mum - keep trying - mental heatlh issues are hard and you are all she has.... for those re the autism comments...I agree - there are some fantastically inteligent kids with autism...and i kinda got the same impression that they were being talked about as different too..... |
Posted By: Bombshell
Date Posted: 09 September 2008 at 1:13pm
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ooh and your problem has been bugging me so much that lunchtime googling produced this....might help??
Delayed sleep-phase syndrome. This is a disorder of sleep (circadian) rhythm that results in an inability to fall asleep at a normal hour (e.g., sleep onset may be delayed until 2–4 a.m.) and results in difficulty waking up in the morning. Symptoms among children include excessive daytime sleepiness, sleeping until early afternoon on weekends, truancy and tardiness, and poor school performance. Treatment might include light therapy (exposure to very bright light in the morning), chronotherapy (gradually advancing the child’s sleep schedule 1 hour per night until a normal routine is achieved), maintaining a consistent sleep schedule, or a short course of sedative medication to help achieve a new schedule. It may be necessary and beneficial to (temporarily) adjust the child’s school day to allow for a later start. Poss some helpful websites? The American Academy of Sleep Medicine— www.aasmnet.org The National Sleep Foundation— www.sleepfoundation.org Book that sounded useful - Ferber, R. (1985). Solve your child’s sleep problems. New York: Fireside. ISBN: 0671620991. |
Posted By: FionaS
Date Posted: 09 September 2008 at 1:54pm
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Trust me - I have exhausted google Bombshell!
Yes she has been assessed! By a developmental paed team, a child psychologist and NZ's leading sleep expert. And YAY! the consensus is that her issues as a baby are a big mystery as other than her sleep she has absolutely NO signs, attributes etc of ANY issue....no aspergers, autism, offical sleep disorder etc. Nothing! They all just say she is a 'perfect' little girl with some kind of strange sleep thing. Yes, the sleep thing is still an unanswered question but as of tonight she will be on melatonin to help regulate her sleep. She's always gone to sleep brilliantly and sleep well unil 1am. Hopefully the melatonin will help her develop a new pattern than gets her past the 1am waking! So... on a "psychological level" she has the alllllllllll clear. All the specialists commented on what a delightful, social, outgoing and intelligent girl she is so it appears that whatever was going on in her early life is gone :) Maybe we have just put all the right interventions in place or maybe it was just some kind of extended post-birth trauma I dunno but she is all clear now :) We saw the specialist again this morning and he was delighted by her and absolutely certain that she has no developmental / psych issues YAY! ------------- Mummy to Gabrielle and Ashley |
Posted By: FionaS
Date Posted: 09 September 2008 at 1:56pm
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Bombshell - to add...maybe we should spend some time together at the next meetup and you will see that Elle is a fab little girl and other than being immensly strong willed is just as you'd expect a 2 year old to be...except she sings more songs and is possibly more social with new people - she goes up to everyone and has a huge convo with them ------------- Mummy to Gabrielle and Ashley |
Posted By: Kels
Date Posted: 09 September 2008 at 2:03pm
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[QUOTE=FionaS] How can he not know or even heard of it if he is a doctor. Melatonin is a hormone we produce in our bodies... hmmmm unsure If I would be going back to that doctor. ------------- http://lilypie.com">
Busy mum to Miss 15yrs, Miss 10yrs and Master 4yrs |
Posted By: FionaS
Date Posted: 09 September 2008 at 2:08pm
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ROFL I keep having to come back to answer your questions! She is with her nana for 2 part days and with my friend for 1 day...my friend was previously a nanny and now does in-home (her home) care for her own 2 kids + 2 others each day. Elle ADORES going there and plays so well with her 2.5 year old daughter - they have a ball of a time. She is great with the smaller baby too and is always helping her and caring for her...it's sweet.
She adores going to her nana and poppas and they thoroughly exhaust her - going to see animals, running at the park, building playhouses etc. They are not "old" and slow....they possibly have more energy than me and Elle has a ball of a time. I love the fact that they are so creative with her and they make up so many games and activities together. On our days together we have music, go to the park, go the zoo, read loads of books, do drawing, playdo, go swimming with her friends, visit other kids etc. So you could certainly say she has a very fun week all and all - lots of variety! ------------- Mummy to Gabrielle and Ashley |
Posted By: FionaS
Date Posted: 09 September 2008 at 2:09pm
Poorly written sorry - he'd only heard of it being used in over 5's. He's on the NZ board of Paeds so had certainly heard of it but not its use in these cases. Gosh, I was tired and communicating poorly yesterday wasn't I! ------------- Mummy to Gabrielle and Ashley |
Posted By: Kels
Date Posted: 09 September 2008 at 2:19pm
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It has been used in some cases where the mums are not happy about the night waking. So I hope it works for Elle. I never used it for Lesieli when she was little because her night waking didnt bother me at that age. I slept and she played lol
------------- http://lilypie.com">
Busy mum to Miss 15yrs, Miss 10yrs and Master 4yrs |
Posted By: FionaS
Date Posted: 09 September 2008 at 2:22pm
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Yeah, the doc wants us to use it as Elle has been very tired during the day and he isn't happy with her total sleep time. She is on a tiny dose and it is a short-term thing to help her get into a new pattern.
------------- Mummy to Gabrielle and Ashley |
Posted By: Bombshell
Date Posted: 09 September 2008 at 4:04pm
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LOL ive seen Elle - even waaaay back when you were worried she was a late walker etc and i thought she was doing fine....I think she is normal to be honest....altho you have so many concerns you want addressed so pursuing this is an option for you....
I thought she was a real cutie when I have met her....and was reaching normal milestones....its you that seem to have doubts about her....but she seems a good kid to me! id be over the non sleep thing myself tho!!! 
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Posted By: Roksana
Date Posted: 09 September 2008 at 4:55pm
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I dont have an thing to say but give you
DD was a very bad sleeper....she would sleep for an hour and be awake for an hour and so on and so on. I cant sleep during the day so I would walk around with huge bags under my eyes and like a zombie.....Thankfully DD is sleeping ok now...please note OK as on Sat she woke up 4 times!!!
Last night she woke up once...it was a good night for us!! 
Hope the meds work ------------- http://lilypie.com"> 
http://lilypie.com"> 
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Posted By: FionaS
Date Posted: 09 September 2008 at 6:57pm
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My only worry now is her sleep Bombshell. Thankfully all the rest are gone.
Naturally the 2 year old behaviours are irritating but they are part of life...stubbornness and all ROFL! Ahh, 2 year olds. :) ------------- Mummy to Gabrielle and Ashley |
Posted By: Mazzy
Date Posted: 09 September 2008 at 8:14pm
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Fi, I keep meaning to post on here and say BIG HUGS about the stuff with your mum. Mine can be thoughtless like that sometimes too (telling me she wasn't sure I'd cope with two kids while I was pregnant with DD2 ) but not quite as bad as that. I have no other advice after everyone else has said it all, just wanted to show my support and send some more cyber-hugs
And I posted this already in the other thread, but awesome to hear about Elle! ------------- Mum to two gorgeous girls! |