My Partner Calls me Selfish..
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Topic: My Partner Calls me Selfish..
Posted By: Westy1
Subject: My Partner Calls me Selfish..
Date Posted: 27 October 2008 at 11:11pm
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ok here is my Story. My Plan (which is normal for most mothers) is to take a few years or so off with my little Girl..whos just turned 1....My partner is so not on the same level with me on that idea. Everyone else i have discussed the problem with, ie: Family and friends, is agreeing with me about taking a few years off. On that Note, of me taking a few years off or so, hes said "hes not going to support me.".. anyhows - theres my sagar... feel free to comment or whatever...
------------- http://lilypie.com">  
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.My lil girl is my no.1 priority and id like to see her thru the first few years etc...Not to mention the fact hes controllative...He WANTS me to go back to work. While most day care places are expensive im trying to save us some/abit of money by being here at home with her while he works...
..Im like thinking uuhh hello a SAHM is a FULL TIME JOB.....Plus hes soo not on the same level when a mum needs some "ME TIME"..if i ask him to mind/look after my lil girl i get moaned at...Its not that i dont want to take her with me, just theres times when a mum may need some "me time" or you'v gotta go somewhere where its best the lil one is looked after by someone. ....I have a friend whos currently taken a few years off with one of her little ones, and is going back to work Next year...My partners responce to that when i told him was "at least shes going back"...Typical responce from a male....
Replies:
Posted By: caraMel
Date Posted: 27 October 2008 at 11:36pm
I'm lost for words... 
Is there anyone you can get to talk to him for you, his mum, sister, brother? Someone he respects who has raised/is raising children who can make him see your point of view? ------------- Mel, Mummy to E: 6, B: 4 and: 
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Posted By: HippyMama
Date Posted: 28 October 2008 at 7:54am
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How flippin rude! Hugs from me too, it's a real shock and a difficult thing to deal with when you aren't on the same page as your partner - but I agree with Mel, I think it needs to be discussed, and maybe you could look at getting someone he knows to try and help you?
------------- Mama to two earth walkers & two angels. Remember, you are not managing an inconvenience; You are raising a human being. ~ Kittie Franz Next Slingbabies! Meet - Friday 4th May !! |
Posted By: SMoody
Date Posted: 28 October 2008 at 8:12am
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What I would do is to try and work on a compromise. He is entitled to his feelings (but he can be a bit more mannered abuot them). Just as you are to yours. But perhaps the problem might be communication itself. Perhaps he is feeling stressed that he will be the only breadwinner and if something happens to his job then there is nothing to fall back on. And perhaps he doesnt know how to actually put that into words so he causes a fight.
What you can do however is to be totally calm. Put a budget down on paper. Taking into account stuff like: Daycare fees, getting takeaways because with two working that will go up as both will be tired, getting a cleaner in now and then to help out with two working, clothes and shoes for work, transport to work. Take in everything in consideration that you will need to do and pay if you have to go to work. So he can see how much you guys are saving and if it is worthwhile for you to go to work. Subtract that from a salary you think you might be earning in all of this and see how much is left in the end of the day. Second budget you draw up might be something that is parttime. Perhaps around his hours for a few hours a week, or something you can do from home. Do same stuff you will need to pay for and where you can save. Third budget will be your current one. What are you guys paying out of one salary and perhaps another 4th one on where you think you guys can save a bit more. Then dont demand or anything but ask him if he is willing to sit down with you sometime when he is free as you gave this a bit of thought. Sit down and discuss where you see yourself in 5 years, where you see the two of you together in five years as well as the three of you and ask him the same. Then work on a plan to get there. Try and keep some of the emotions a bit out of it (guys dont think like we do). Show him the budgets and let him express what he feels about each one and go from there. I however really didnt like the idea of emotional blackmail that he used that he said he wont support you if you do decide to stay at home. That was a bit uncalled for but at the same time I think this is a decision that you guys need to make together. It can be his and your decision seperate. And think the whole family needs to be a first priority for both of you and not just your gorgeous kiddy. (I hope I made some sense?  ------------- http://lilypie.com"> 
http://lilypie.com"> 
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Posted By: Westy1
Date Posted: 28 October 2008 at 8:20am
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Hiya, just read all your messages there...Thank you for that...Il get back to this later today do a reply message in one, as i have to deal to my lil one... Thank you muchly once again...il RSVP l8rs until then
------------- http://lilypie.com">
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Posted By: Bizzy
Date Posted: 28 October 2008 at 8:41am
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do you work now? if you do then it seems a bit strange to me to stop work now to look after her
if he isnt the father of the child then i suppose he doesnt have to support you... and if he is the father of the child then how bloody rude of him. then again he might be worried that if you dont work he wont be able to support you both. men do some funny things when worried. then again if he is a control freak then i personally would say seeya to him... but if he was, you being at home would be a better way of controlling you. so maybe he is worried about finances. ------------- http://www.myfitnesspal.com/weight-loss-ticker"> 
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Posted By: MissCandice
Date Posted: 28 October 2008 at 9:26am
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Ferny! Big hugs!
I know exactly where your coming from and can understand completely. My DF is the same. While i work 3 days a week now, he wants me to go fulltime. If hes not willing to support you and his/your child, then what does that say about him as a person. I mean i know i cant comment considering im in the same situation and should take my own advice but its easier to tell someone else than it is to tell yourself! If you want to take time off with her then you should, of course if finances allow. As for the moaning about looking after the little one. How i manage it is, i tell him, that im going to the mall for an hour to have a coffee and chat to a friend, i know this is going to upset you but i need a small amount of time to myself today. I tell him while i understand he is upset, i have to go. I tell him what i need to eg. Bottle in fridge, shes been changed see you in an hour or two. Then go. Pick him up a muffin and bring it back with you and give him a kiss and cuddle when you get back. Hope some of that made sense anyway ------------- ~ Mummy to a beautiful girl ~ |
Posted By: lilfatty
Date Posted: 28 October 2008 at 10:33am
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I think he just feels bullied .. like he has no say in the matter as you have decided that you are going to stay home and he is to support you.
Men just cant verbalise their feelings the same way a women does so he is "vocalising" his feelings to you in other ways. I suggest maybe you write it down and let him read it so he has time to digest what you want. Oh and I agree with the others, he maybe worried ... its a HUGE responsibility to be the sole breadwinner for a family (I know as that is my role) .. it can be pretty daunting sometimes. ------------- Mummy to Issy (3) and Elias (18 months) I did it .. 41 kgs gone! From flab to fab in under a year  http://www.femininefitness.co.nz/category/blog - LFs weight blog
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Posted By: ChundaMars
Date Posted: 28 October 2008 at 12:37pm
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Well, this is a very interesting thread... without meaning to sound harsh, you're pretty much buggered unless something big changes!
Did you not discuss this prior to getting pregnant? Because, from what I can see, neither of you are "right" and neither of you are "wrong", it's just that you don't agree on your separate roles etc. My wife is knocking off work at the end of this week - hopefully for good, but we'll see how we go. We're both definitely on the same page - I want her home to raise the children, and she wants the same thing. The important thing is, we agreed on it before we had the baby! |
Posted By: Snappy
Date Posted: 28 October 2008 at 1:00pm
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I had the same problem this year, I didnt want to go back to work after my 14 weeks maternity leave. I wanted to use what savings we had so that I can stay at home, DH said it would be a "Waste of money" and said the money would be better off on our debts, car etc.
I won the battle in the end. I did several budgets, and it worked out theres not much difference between working part time and working full time. I also did a SAHM budget where we had a shortfall of about $70, I said if I found a wee job we could manage. In the end work refused me working part time so DH decided (probably more in anger towards my work!) that i was going to stay home and he'd pick up extra overtime so that we can cope.I took my 12months maternity leave and told work to shove it. I think him seeing that we would be ok money wise he was more open to the idea of me staying home. He still admits more money would be great but enjoys coming home to a clean tidy home and having his sleep ins. I think as the others have said he is probably worried about money. Its hard to see it from their point of view... My DH suggested to me last week that HE stay at home and I go back to work, and my immediate worry then was money (he earns more than I did) And then I thought he just wanted time off rather than genuinely wanting to stay at home. So I guess thats exactly how he felt. He still jokes about me being a bum though  ------------- Mummy to two beauties... Formerly Kaiz. |
Posted By: kabe
Date Posted: 28 October 2008 at 2:10pm
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I see it as a joint decision that you need to make together, as it affects both of you. Sounds like you need to come to some sort of compromise (i.e, pt-time work), but that might take time, as you views sound poles apart. Good luck!
ETA, in my coffee grp of 10 mums, all of us are planning on going back to work after a year off. Some are fulltime, and others of us are pt-time. Most of us are going back for a mixture of financial and personal reasons. ------------- http://alterna-tickers.com"> 
http://lilypie.com"> 
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Posted By: Westy1
Date Posted: 28 October 2008 at 2:36pm
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HI All...Am Back Now...Wow so many thoughts/opinions - where do i start from lol caraMel - In Responce to you: The only people or person i can talk to is my family.Because of alot of arguments between him & i, hes told me that his family, (folks and his sister) he doesnt have a brother, have some "ill feelings" towards me. This i have mentioneed to my family and so they have suggested its best i keep my distance from them in the meantime in which i have been doing.However my mum has said to me recently about inviting him over for dinner & thigns can be talked thru to which i mentioned to him but he wouldnt even hear of it...So basicly the ball is in his court on that subject from my mum and i. Altho she has suggested councilling & thinks it would be a good idea - so who knows. Pearls - Yes it is rude of him, & a real shock & a difficult thing to deal with... Smoody - i think where you said "And perhaps he doesnt know how to actually put that into words so he causes a fight" I agree with that..i dont think he knows how to talk..when things are problem wise, so he causes a fight....But he expects me to talk to him if i have a problem...pffft....one sided there huh Bizzy - No i am not working. When Naomi was born, as usual the mother normaly has 3mnths maternity leave. and during that period i decided to take a year off..Which was ending not so long ago. But some while ago i decided it would be best to take a few years off with Naomi as she is my first. Iv handed in my resignation to work, their happy with my decision, they'v got nothing against it. Yes he is her father... KylahsMum - Thanx for your understanding FINALLY...Getting Down The Page lol lol... lilfatty - just guessing here - but maybe your right? Maybe he does feel bullied? I also think hes got issues and some jealousy wrapped up inside him to which hes not admitting to and doesnt want to. Dont get me wrong here im not being sexist here or anything but Men dont go thru all the pain,agony and drama that us woman go thru during child birth...Its a big whole turn around and big change in life. But yes it can be pretty daunting. ChundaMars - Nice to see your on the same page with your wife Kaiz231 - Good for you for winning the battle in the end Kabe - Hi there...hows your little one doing? Hope she had a good Birthday. Naomi did.Thanx for your comment too...Maybe perahps over time him and i mite agree on a compremise - who knows. Thank you very much to the above people who have expressed there thoughts/concerns/opinions etc..Much appreciated ------------- http://lilypie.com">
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My partner - hes just....just not normal...Most guys/partners/spouses would support there other half in cases like this..iv got 2 friends that are taking "X amount of years off" while there spouse works. One of them is returning to the work force next year sometime as shes had a few years off. I know i shouldnt? but if i feel i want to leave our little girl with him, even if its just for say 1/2 an hour or 1-2hs however long i still feel bad/guilty about having some "me time"/time to myself, cos i know what hes gona say. but yea you have made sense in there yes...I guess counciling for both of us wouldnt go a miss...Posted By: MummyFreckle
Date Posted: 28 October 2008 at 2:36pm
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I think Chundamars has a really good point...its normally something that you discuss and agree on either before you get pregnant or during your pregnancy. Did you guys decide that you would be a SAHM and now he has changed his mind - or did you just not have the conversation until now? Are his concerns valid (and he isnt voicing them very well).Are you struggling financially by not working? Is he feeling a huge amount of pressure to provide and feels that its too much for him to do alone. I guess (without wanting to sound too harsh) that you made a decision together to become parents, and therefore you should make this decision together. Your post makes him sound like a really bad guy, and admitedly he doesnt sound very supportive, but there must be a reason for that. I find that blokes arent normally pratts for no apparent reason! Worth sitting down and trying to talk about it like grown ups and figuring out a solution that works for both of you, and what is best for the little girl that you made TOGETHER. I find it interesting that you refer to your daughter as "my little girl" all the time and never use the term "our little girl". Does he do much parenting at all?
------------- http://lilypie.com">  http://lilypie.com">
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Posted By: emz
Date Posted: 28 October 2008 at 2:47pm
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Hi
Maybe your partner's a bit worried about money as others said. I know my DH was/is and so I work part time and DS is in daycare 6 hours a week to help me get into work (otherwise I work every night of the week). Also, I'm pretty sure the 'norm' these days is a year off max (due to finances usually) so maybe your partner is just a bit confused/shocked that you have chosen to be off longer? I know most of the ladies in my coffee group are either back at work part time or full time, or are planning to next year when the kids turn 1. Another option if you don't want to work out of the home is to look after a couple of kids in your home. That way you get extra income (not that its much though) and you get to spend your time with your daughter too. I hope you guys get to talk about it anyway. Was there much discussion on work arrangements or did you just tell your partner that you were resigning? Maybe that's where he felt a bit out of the loop? |
Posted By: Westy1
Date Posted: 28 October 2008 at 2:56pm
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SimSam - hes bulling me into going back to work. And when i tell him that what i am doing out comes his negativity and argue bargue etc. I said to him last year (durng my time of maternity leave that all of us mums get) that i wanted to take a year off. At first he wasent overly that happy with it, but he followed thru with it in the end. recently, about month or so ago when i put to him about me taking a few years off, he blurted out something about "well why dont u try cutting down some costs then" he mentioned my 027 fone (i have both a 021 and 027 ph)...I use both of them, its not as if my 027 ph sits around looking pretty.Yes i admit do tend to use the drier often, but that doesnt mean i dont hang stuff out on the line...I have l8ly been trying to not use the drier as often...I dont know how much hes getting, because "its his buisness" he tells me...apart from that we are getting WFF - $146 p/w emz - as im sure iv mentioned somewhere above, 2 friends of mine who i know of, are taking more than a year off with there young one/ones...They are both SAHM's while there spouse works...I am aware that the "norm" these days is a year max. dont get me wrong here, apart from looking after other kids in your own home, is there any other option other than that where you can still spend time with your young one at home too? ------------- http://lilypie.com">
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Posted By: Westy1
Date Posted: 28 October 2008 at 3:03pm
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------------- http://lilypie.com">
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Posted By: lilfatty
Date Posted: 28 October 2008 at 3:15pm
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Hmmm I just read this in your post ....
Bizzy - No i am not working. When Naomi was born, as usual the mother normaly has 3mnths maternity leave. and during that period i decided to take a year off..Which was ending not so long ago. But some while ago i decided it would be best to take a few years off with Naomi as she is my first. Iv handed in my resignation to work, their happy with my decision, they'v got nothing against it. Yes he is her father... Did you do all that without discussing it with your DH first? Because if you did I can see why he is packing a tanty. Oh and Im jealous as hell of my DH staying home with Isabelle ... however it was a joint decision so I have to suck it up and bear it  ------------- Mummy to Issy (3) and Elias (18 months) I did it .. 41 kgs gone! From flab to fab in under a year http://www.femininefitness.co.nz/category/blog - LFs weight blog
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Posted By: SMoody
Date Posted: 28 October 2008 at 3:18pm
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Once again I think there is a communication problem between the two of you. His business? Isnt a family only one business? If you guys cant work it out between yourself perhaps councelling is the way to go.
I do however think it is a bit unfair as you wanted to stay a year and now the year is up and then just making the decision to want to stay another few more years (not trying to sound judgemental or harsh here but trying to see it from his point). First year with a baby is quite difficult for families. Your partner needs to find his space in all of this and it is usually quite difficult for guys. We (mothers) tend to take on so much, sometimes (like I see you do too) call them my little girl ect instead of ours. Guys take that stuff to heart as well and perhaps what your partner is feeling is that you are so involved with your little girl (not our little girl as if you are pushing him out) and all he is good for is to actually earn money. So in that regard he might say well this is my business and not yours. I really do think the two of you need to sit down and discuss plans for the future. From what he wants and see you guys to what you want and see yourself. I am a SAHM and sometimes have this guilt of not earning money ect but Grant is really quick to show me budgets ect and showing me what it would cost us as a family for me to go out and work and we dont even get any other help at all. But at the same time this is a plan we worked on before we even got pregnant but plans do change you dont have to stick to it. But unfortanately when you are in a partnership both partners need to have a say in this. And in the end this will be the best for your girl as you sometimes have to put yourself and your partner first to have a good foundation (which is ultimately needed by your daughter). You cant compare your situation with others. Sit down with him and discuss this with him and if need be get a councellor to help you guys. Someone that is not personally involved with you guys (so no family ect, that sometimes complicate stuff even worse). Hope it helps and your girl is so cute. ------------- http://lilypie.com">
http://lilypie.com">
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Posted By: Westy1
Date Posted: 28 October 2008 at 3:45pm
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lilfatty - During the period of my 14wks maternity leave i brought to his attention that i was wanting to take a year off...At first he wasent entirely happy about it but he somehow got over it in the end. Smoody - sorry bad habbit there, calling her "my little girl" i mean she is tho, but i should be more saying "our little girl"...He is alot involved with her too....He comes to playgroup every thursday too..I wasent trying to compare others to myself, i was only merely just mentioning the fact...But yes as you both have mentioned and i think a few others?? Councilling would be a solution. ------------- http://lilypie.com">
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Posted By: Snappy
Date Posted: 28 October 2008 at 3:46pm
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I think you need to sit down with your DH and work out a compromise. If hes worried about money, and you want to stay at home then surely theres some way you can both agree. How about being an in home carer or selling avon? Theres so many ways around it...
I think my DH would probably acted the same if (presuming here) you handed in your resignation and have decided not to go back to work after one year off. I guess you've always had the security of having a job placement and a career (Again, only presuming!) Good luck! ------------- Mummy to two beauties... Formerly Kaiz. |
Posted By: Westy1
Date Posted: 28 October 2008 at 3:52pm
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hmm Avon...dont think thats my cup of tea, but cant hurt to check it out.. But yea Thanx....And to EVERYONE ELSE too.. ------------- http://lilypie.com">
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Posted By: Bizzy
Date Posted: 28 October 2008 at 4:02pm
sounds to me like maybe neither of you have communicated very well to each other. and to look at it another way, i would be annoyed if my husband gave up his job without consultation and then i had to pay all his bills for him. i would expect him to give up a phone and to not be spending every day having coffee at my expense at cafes...(not saying you do just an example). ------------- http://www.myfitnesspal.com/weight-loss-ticker">
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Ferny wrote:Posted By: AnnC
Date Posted: 28 October 2008 at 4:06pm
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In the end this should be a joint decision (before baby preferably but since she is already born...)
have you asked WHY he wants you to work out side of the home? Did you hand your resignation to not go back after the year off without consulting him? I do feel hes been unreasonable but you need to talk together and put your point accross and his aswell - concilling would be a good idea as you have a muteral mediator. Also I guess you got to look at it (and by what you have said in your previous posts) this is not the only issue you are having and perhaps this is just another 'arguement'. And if so you need to seriously consider whehther you both have a future together...... I've been there they don't CHANGE like we keep hoping. Hope it all works out but first step is to communicate with each other - don't get defensive and really try to listen and understand his point of view and visa versa.. give him the reasons you want to stay home - if its money the problem list all the bills etcc... show him how you can budget etc... and how it can be done. Good luck 
ETA: I make no secret I can not spell so I apologise for all the spelling mistakes - but you will just have to live with it LOL ------------- Ann 
Also Mum to Josh (15) and Brooke (10) |
Posted By: Westy1
Date Posted: 28 October 2008 at 7:56pm
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Bizzy - i guess your right there - not communicating well there AnnC - No i havent asked him why he wants me to work outside of home.but i think its more to do with money that he wants me to go back to work?? Cos hes said to me "we need al lthe money we can get"..I mean doesnt everyone?? That is unless of course there filthy rich lol... ------------- http://lilypie.com">
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Posted By: MrsMojo
Date Posted: 28 October 2008 at 8:19pm
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Hi Ferny, I don't have much to add to what the others have said except that someone on the first page (I think it was smoody) suggested that you make up some budgets to show your partner. I think this is a great idea. I understand he doesn't tell you how much he earns so what I'd do is provide him with a list of actual costs that you would incur by going back to work (i.e. cost of daycare, lunches, transport, allowance for work clothes/hairdresser/makeup as well as loss of WFF) and make sure you highlight how much you could earn compared to these costs. You've said you get $146 per week from WFF so (and I don't mean this to sound rude but) going by this it sounds like he doesn't earn very much (less than $36k according to the WFF payment table). I'd be stressing out too if I were him. IMO you both need to sit down and talk this through looking at it from a completely unemotional view. You may wish to do this with a mediator present to ensure neither of you resort to guilt trips or name calling. You also need to start thinking about where you're willing to compromise. Do you really need 2 mobile phones? Are you willing to work part time outside of the home (maybe at a time when your partner or other family/friends can take care of your daughter so you don't incur childcare costs)? Are there other ways you can save money - cut back on groceries, remove the dryer thereby removing the temptation to use it, use cloth instead of sposies etc You're right, we do all need "all the money we can get" and believe me, from the pov of someone who doesn't get to spend everyday with her daughter, I know how precious time with your child is but a roof over your head and happy parents are also really important too. Good luck. I hope you can both come to a happy compromise soon. Edited after looking at WFF payment table. -------------  
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Posted By: NikkiB
Date Posted: 28 October 2008 at 8:25pm
Happy belated birthday to Miss N 
I haven't read all of the posts in full, but have you thought about doing some night work, while your DP looks after Miss N? That way you get to spend the day with her and earn a little bit of money also. Food for thought. ------------- A very lucky mummy to two gorgeous boys: RB 3/10/2008 JB 29/12/2009 |
Posted By: Westy1
Date Posted: 28 October 2008 at 8:41pm
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Mrs Mojo - Thanks for your input too... My partner is helping out or working for (however you wanna put it) a guy that he used to pack for. ie. a contracter he used to pack bread for, for his run. Now he is leaving at midnite and going to bed in the early evening. So hes delivering the bread to the stores, bringing it into the store/supermarkets etc...and whatever else that involves..He used to pack this guys bread run, plus 3 other runs somewhereover on the north shore here in auckland. Due to him being there donkeys years, and him gettin sick of the place with all its problems and staff not turning up and not doing there job right etc etc the list goes on, he quit....Iv even worked there myself not to mention the fact iv helped him out there before too, so i know what the place is like...so yea...I have tried asking him before how much is this guy paying you (just outa simple curiosity) but i got nowhere...I suppose i could always try asking again. NikkiB - that could also be another solution but someone else would have to mind Naomi. As from 5pm onwards thats when my partner is sleeping, so she would keep him awake with her noise until whenever she decides to drop off...so hense he looses part of his sleep...But Thank you for that...hmm Maybe i coul look at the notices in the supermarket where people put up things for sale, etc etc and child minding...try looking into that.... ------------- http://lilypie.com">
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Posted By: AnnC
Date Posted: 28 October 2008 at 8:57pm
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Wow he really won't tell you how much he earns. How fair is that. ------------- Ann
Also Mum to Josh (15) and Brooke (10) |
Posted By: Westy1
Date Posted: 28 October 2008 at 9:04pm
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Considering he knew how much i was earning before i left work for maternity leave, and yet he wont tell me how much hes earning....UNFAIR.. ------------- http://lilypie.com">
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Posted By: fattartsrock
Date Posted: 28 October 2008 at 9:11pm
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Wow, hun, you guys have alot of talking to do.
No critisism here, but I can't believe you don't know how much he earns! Do you have joint accounts or does he "pay" you? I think its really important in a partership/marrige or whatever, especially where children are involved that there are no secrets, especially about money as it is a huge stresser in relationships. I'm just taking a huge wild stab inteh dark here, but I am guessing he's not making that flasher amount of cash if he is so adamant you go back to work, and he's quite stressed about it. Hugs to you, I hope it all works out for you. xx ------------- The Honest Un PC Parent of 2, usually stuck in the naughty corner! :P |
Posted By: Westy1
Date Posted: 28 October 2008 at 9:14pm
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In answer to your question - Joint accounts. ------------- http://lilypie.com">
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Posted By: Maya
Date Posted: 28 October 2008 at 9:16pm
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Wow, I'm shocked that he won't tell you how much he earns! Did he do your WFF paperwork coz if it's not right you could end up having to pay money back
I don't think my DP even knows how much his annual income is but he gets a pay slip every fortnight and he has no issues with me seeing it and it has his year-to-date income at the bottom. -------------  Maya Grace (28/02/03)
 (02/01/06)
The Gremlins:Sienna Marie & Mercedes Kailah (14/10/06)
Lil miss:Chiara Louise Chloe (09/07/08)
Her ladyship:Rosalia Sophie Anais (18/06/12)
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Posted By: AnnC
Date Posted: 28 October 2008 at 9:16pm
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so flery do you not have access to your joint account? If its a joint account you have every right to go into the bank and get details etc....
I agree with fattartsrock in what she said... you need honesty and so many partnerships break up because of money. ------------- Ann
Also Mum to Josh (15) and Brooke (10) |
Posted By: fattartsrock
Date Posted: 28 October 2008 at 9:18pm
Sorry I didn't mean that to sound rude. What I should have said was can you go online and see the deposits being made or does he get paid in cash and banks it? Pfft, sorry, that sounds like spying, but goodness me, you have a right to know! ------------- The Honest Un PC Parent of 2, usually stuck in the naughty corner! :P |
Posted By: Westy1
Date Posted: 28 October 2008 at 9:25pm
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lol thats quite allright fattartsrock AnnC - yes i do have access to our joint account. Maya - sorry not sure...all i know is we get a sheet in the mail with how much has gone thru/come in etc etc.. ------------- http://lilypie.com">
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Posted By: Maya
Date Posted: 28 October 2008 at 9:29pm
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That bit of paper should tell you what his estimated income is, just look at the calculations page.
Still, he really should be telling you himself, especially if he's trying to justify wanting you to go back to work. ------------- Maya Grace (28/02/03)
(02/01/06)
The Gremlins:Sienna Marie & Mercedes Kailah (14/10/06)
Lil miss:Chiara Louise Chloe (09/07/08)
Her ladyship:Rosalia Sophie Anais (18/06/12)
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Posted By: Westy1
Date Posted: 28 October 2008 at 9:33pm
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Maya - Yes i know...But as someone said on one of the previous pages, (not being sexist here) males do some strange things. ------------- http://lilypie.com">
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Posted By: AnnC
Date Posted: 28 October 2008 at 9:34pm
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Then if you have access does he get paid into it/ you can find out how much he earns there - I know this post wasn't orginally about how much he earns but it maybe the reason why he wants you to go back to work and too proud to tell you he doesnt earn enough money to support you all whilst you are a SAHM ------------- Ann
Also Mum to Josh (15) and Brooke (10) |
Posted By: fattartsrock
Date Posted: 28 October 2008 at 9:35pm
what she said! ------------- The Honest Un PC Parent of 2, usually stuck in the naughty corner! :P |
Posted By: Westy1
Date Posted: 28 October 2008 at 9:56pm
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BINGO LADIES..... i found out for myself how much hes getting paid..i did a few of you said...loged onto our bank acount and went thru some statements....hehe...*CRAFTY*... Theres more than one way around things if someone wont tell you the answer what your lookin for lol... ------------- http://lilypie.com">
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Posted By: cuppatea
Date Posted: 28 October 2008 at 11:13pm
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I find it a bit odd that he doesn't tell you how much he earns, especially if you can just look up how much is paid into the bank and you could also just work it out from the WFF amount that you are getting as that would have to have been worked out on his estimated yearly income.
I also find it a bit odd that you seemed to have made decisions and are then upset at him for not accepting them. So firstly you agreed to go back to work after you PPL ran out then you decided to take the year and he just put up with it and then you quit your job altogether to take a few years off. Did you actually talk to him before making any of those decisions? How would you feel if he quit to be a SAHD without consulting you? I understand that when a baby arrives our original plans/feelings can change. I fully intended to return part time to work after 6 months but once Spencer was here I didn't want to put him in daycare, however the decision for me not to return to work was a joint one, instead I arranged with my employer to work casually from home and then once pregnant again I resigned completely, but again that was a joint decision. I think perhaps both of you need to really sit down and work out what is important for all three of you, and the idea of a counsellor or some type of mediator sounds good. Perhaps seeing a financial advisor could help too. ------------- 
 
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Posted By: Candkids
Date Posted: 28 October 2008 at 11:47pm
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WOW is all i can say
ive read most of the posts so big hugs to you but i wouldnt put up with being called a bum and selfish etc if that was my DH id give him a dam good slap to be honest. thats emotional abuse and no way to treat a partner. i can see this from both your side and your partners side . . it is really weird he wouldnt tell you how much he earnt whats he got to hide?? sounds really dodgy in my opinion. dh has added over my shoulder that as a guy, when you went on maternity leave, your partner would have planned out in his head how much youd need to live on, pay bills etc and for how long, so its kind of fair enough that hes a tad pi$$ed off that you dont want to go back to work and have only mentioned this now. . dh also thinks that , that is one of the many topics along with a budget , income, debts all that should all be discussed before the baby arrived. if cutting down on costs etc would help him be abit more "for" the idea of you being a SAHM then id say get rid of 1 of your phones!!!! youll still have 1!! i think that was pretty reasonable of him to say that! and look at what other sepnding you can cut out on eg: magazines, ciggys, perhaps change your cell plan, you could try pointing out to him that if you went back to work your WWF payments would drop a bit and youd be forking out lots for a daycare + petrol to work so is it really worth it?? good luck i hope you guys work it out. ------------- http://lilypie.com" rel="nofollow">  DD 10.5yrs DS 6yrs DS 11mths 5 little angles watching from above |
Posted By: ooEvaoo
Date Posted: 29 October 2008 at 8:04am
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Yeah I agree with the gazzillion other posts saying you both need to sit down and talk. Pre baby plans never go quite as planned. I remember my dp and I had planned for him to be a SAHD and for my to go back to work, however we fell pregnant sooner than we had planned, so I was SAHM. I stayed home for a year, and then decided to return to studies, yea it's hard putting your child into daycare but it does get easier, especially when you're child bolts for the doors to get in there! lolz....I know that though he's not with me, he's still happy, he's learning lots, and it's not going to be detrimental to him because I'm not there. Sometimes we have to make sacrifices even though at the time our heart tells us not too. I've been wanting to TTC #2 fairly soonish and talked with DP, and he told me that it would put more of a strain on him as he'd have to work longer hours to provide for us. I never thought about that before, all I thought about was wanting to be pregnant again!...not the fact that I'll have to study with a newborn and toddler, that DP would have to work longer hours etc. So now we've decided to wait til my last year of study to start TTC#2, as then he'll be paid more, and I could start my own practice part time from home. You two really need to sit down and talk, let him say his side of the story about how this will impact him. We all would love to be able to take a few years off to raise our children, but for many it isn't a option, and in this economy it's getting harder and harder to make that dream a reality. ------------- 
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Posted By: Westy1
Date Posted: 29 October 2008 at 8:53am
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Thanx for those recent 3 posts from cuppatea,Catzkids and ooEvaoo, Thanks for your ideas/opinions and what not...i do think that being called a bum and selfish is Emotional blackmail and so forth . Just to point something out here, no parent or parents in this world we live in is perfect, we ALL do things that are wrong or have some wrong to them no matter what the issue may be..including myself - as u can see..il try suggesting/pointing out your last idea there, catzkids, and also the fact/suggestion of councilling, to which even my mum agrees we should so. Have also rung ird and checked in with them about the $146 p/w and thats still ok. nothings been changed or anything there..So there still flowing in. anyhows gotta dash, our little girl needs a bath etc... Thanks once again... ------------- http://lilypie.com">
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