Seperation Anxiety
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URL: https://www.ohbaby.co.nz/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=22613
Printed Date: 11 September 2025 at 9:38pm
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Topic: Seperation Anxiety
Posted By: MummyFreckle
Subject: Seperation Anxiety
Date Posted: 21 November 2008 at 10:43am
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At the moment Oli is suffering from chronic seperation anxiety and we just dont know what to do. He is fine during the day because he is with me all the time, and happily follows me around the house etc. But as soon as I try to put him down to bed (day and night) he kicks off and screams and screams, he arches his back, grabs onto my clothes and wont let go, and screams "Mama Mama Mama Mama". Its breaking my heart. He does this during the night too when he wakes. We have tried to do the Controlled Crying / CIO thing - were we go in and tell him "Its okay we are here" and then leave, but it just makes him worse. I finally got him down for a nap this morning (as he was indicating he was knackered), but it took a lot of will power on my part to just let him have a cry and then calm down. I think it took about 40mins before he actually went to sleep. Its not just when I am trying to put him to bed that this happens, it happens when I try to go the toilet if we are at someone elses house (I cant leave the door open like at home for him to see me!), or if I am walking around the car to the boot....basically if he cant see me he kicks off. BUT if he is sitting playing in the lounge and I am in the kitchen then he is fine - but then I guess its "his" domain, so he is happy. I dunno - any ideas. Its breaking my heart and its pretty exhausting. (Oh and he is the same with DH - especially with the bed thing).
------------- http://lilypie.com">  http://lilypie.com">
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Replies:
Posted By: ginger
Date Posted: 21 November 2008 at 10:55am
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The only thing I could think of is perhaps staying with him for a bit while he's going to sleep eg. in a chair close to his cot, and gradually move yourself out the door over a few nights/weeks so he gets used to you leaving him slowly.
It's like he needs to be absolutely reassured you will come back - the other thing may be to put him in his cot, tell him you'll come back in a minute, come back, then say you'll come back in 5, come back, and just follow that pattern so he knows he's not alone. Obviously, I have no idea how that might work in practice, it's just the only thing I could think of! ------------- Cuinn Lachlan 23.1.09 - 22:00 Antonia Helene 4.8.11 - 09:41 |
Posted By: lilfatty
Date Posted: 21 November 2008 at 11:13am
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Issy is going through the whole seperation thing (although not as badly it seems, as she will mostly go to bed ok).
However when she is being a madam .. we sit in the rocking chair next to her cot and "sleep" eg we shut eyes and breathe slowly .. and this seems to keep her happy enough to go to sleep herself. ------------- Mummy to Issy (3) and Elias (18 months) I did it .. 41 kgs gone! From flab to fab in under a year  http://www.femininefitness.co.nz/category/blog - LFs weight blog
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Posted By: myfullhouse
Date Posted: 21 November 2008 at 11:44am
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Personally I wouldn't use CC or CIO with separation anxiety, but then I don't use it anyway. He needs to trust that you are there for him when he needs you and IMHO CC and CIO don't teach this.
I haven't been to the toilet on my own for I don't know how long, Jack even comes with me when we are at someone elses house, he just comes into the toilet/bathroom with me. Maybe you could talk to him when you are out of sight e.g when you go around the side of the car so that he knows you are still there. Good luck! ------------- Lindsey 
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Posted By: My3Sons
Date Posted: 21 November 2008 at 12:50pm
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it will pass, honestly!! ------------- Mum to Mr 10, Mr 6 and Mr 4 
 
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Posted By: emz
Date Posted: 21 November 2008 at 1:45pm
I could have written your post 
Do you think he could be sick at all? I thought Jack had it badly until I took him to the doc and it turned out to be an ear infection (hence not going to bed well). He still does the chasing me around the house thing and crying when I leave the room, I just talk to him and get him to come with me and make sure I'm never out of sight (easier said than done and yes very tiring). We have always used CIO but have started doing CC or just shhing him to sleep (whatever works I reckon, I don't care what anyone else says). Also, sometimes we leave Jack for a while and then if he gets terrible, we get him out of bed and give him cuddles. Usually after the second or third round of cuddles he goes down for the night. I so want to have a newborn again! He was so easy back then lol |
Posted By: Freesia
Date Posted: 21 November 2008 at 2:17pm
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We're getting it here also. I have little miss hanging off my leg all day long. When I do have to go to the toilet or into the car boot like you said I make it into a game of peek-a-boo so that she's sitting there waiting for me to come back.
No suggestions for the night-time thing though. We've had nights recently of being up for 2-3.5 hrs with Livvy not wanting us out of her sight, but if we sit next to the cot she wants to interact with us so we can't win either way. My thinking is that it's just something we'll have to wait out. Big hugs in the meantime though 
Kiwimummy, so how long did the boys do it for before they stopped? Looking for a bit of hope here  -------------  
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Posted By: busymum
Date Posted: 23 November 2008 at 8:40pm
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It's a stage but it's very tough. I had this particularly with Hannah - perhaps because she was the eldest (only, at that time). In the end I had to use some tough love and shut the toilet door and ignore her for my toilet sessions and eventually she came to learn that the door shut didn't mean that I had disappeared. ------------- |
Posted By: Glow
Date Posted: 24 November 2008 at 8:30am
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My 2 hit this phase in full force, Brae is/was the worst
Keep in mind the healthy attachment your wee one has developed with you. Eventually, your child will be able to remember that you will return. Making depatures easier by developing a leaving ritual with a loving, firm goodbye & reasureace that you will be back. Practice being apart and introduce new people & places gradually Its only temporary, and it will pass. If your child has never been cared for by anyone else, is naturally shy or has other stresses, it may be worse than it is for other kids. If intense separation anxiety lasts into preschool, school, or beyond and interferes with your daily activities, see your doc. It could be a sign of a rare but more serious condition known as separation anxiety disorder. No ideas with the sleep, im still a walking zombie ------------- Mummy of Two Boys B: 2004 K: 2007 |