I think my marrige is over
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Topic: I think my marrige is over
Posted By: fattartsrock
Subject: I think my marrige is over
Date Posted: 29 November 2008 at 11:17pm
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I can't believe I am actually saying this now.
Things have been a bit sh*t for a while now, we fight all the time over stupid thing, he thinks I'm too messy and he HATES my mother, and I think he is short tempered and over reacts over stupid things, like he blows his stack when he can't get in to something cos someone or something is in the way, and neither of us want to change, but both of us wants the other to. I shout and he hates it, and he makes all the decisions and I feel like all I do is amke comprimises. I am a SAHM becasue he didn't want me to go back to work, yet it gets thrown in my face all the time that its him that is keeping hte family afloat, paying for everything, etc. I whinge cos I do everything with the kids and they only want me to help them cos he dosen';t help out and when he does they just want me and he gives up and gets mad, I keep saying they only want me cos thats what they are used to. Then 2 weeks ago his 16 yo son came to live with us permanently, and to be honest its the final straw. The kid is a law unto himself and I just get no say in any rules (and there dosen't appear to be any) yet I am expected to parent him during the day while R is at work, and cope with the mood swings and foul language and the lying on the couch all day channel surfing or staying in bloody bed till 5pm, the drinking, the not coming home on curfew, the groundingthat didn't even last 24 fricken hours. I realise I am a bit more "hard core" but I think going out is a priveldge not a right and he has to earn the right ot go out, no just go out when he pleases with no indicaiton of who and where and a whatever when there is a curfew. R tells me I have to go easy on him cos he is "upset" and "depressed" etc, cos of hs stuation at his mothers (which was pretty bad) but I feel hwe are making excuses now and N is milking it and we need to start as we mean to go on rules wise. I feel like he is going out of his way to make N feel wanted and at home etc that he is actually pushing me (an d tehkids) out and I feel very unwelcome,a nd our relationship wasn't in good shape to start off with. To be honest if I had the money,a ny money I would be out of here, but I just don't know where to start. i am desperately unhappy. Thanks for listening to my rant. ------------- The Honest Un PC Parent of 2, usually stuck in the naughty corner! :P |
Replies:
Posted By: caitlynsmygirl
Date Posted: 29 November 2008 at 11:23pm
oh sweet heart, I am so sorry , having never been married , i dont have any advice , but i need to give you a lot of  's
I hope someone on here has some advice for you , pm me if you just want to go "raaaaaahhhh!!!!" tho ...ykwim.. ------------- 
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Posted By: Chickaboo
Date Posted: 29 November 2008 at 11:32pm
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Lots of hugs as you need it right now ------------- http://lilypie.com">  
876 |
Posted By: Bubbaloo
Date Posted: 30 November 2008 at 1:06am
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------------- http://lilypie.com" rel="nofollow">  Was danni-chick Mum to James My Angel 28/07/08 |
Posted By: BuzzyBee
Date Posted: 30 November 2008 at 1:15am
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First off Big hugs darl
Secondly WINZ are always there to help if you are at the point where you just want to get out, I don't know what you'd be entitled to exactly but if you are looking at leaving etc maybe it'd be a good idea to go down to your local winz office and talk to a case manager there, see what they can do to help you out for the time being.... I know its not the ideal way of life, but to get you and the kids sorted it is a starting point. Take Care x |
Posted By: lovingmummyhood
Date Posted: 30 November 2008 at 7:25am
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------------- http://lilypie.com">  http://lilypie.com">
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Posted By: .Mel
Date Posted: 30 November 2008 at 7:42am
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Annie, so sorry to hear that you are going thru a hard time at the moment.
What about marriage counselling or even family counselling. Your husband needs to realise that having a teenager in the house will be a huge change for not only you but on your kids. The teenager needs to have some life lessons on respect and the like. I think you need to sit down with your husband and go over some ground rules, tell him no more excuses, that this CHILD needs to get a grip on things and stop being a dickhead! What about hiding the remote for the tv during the day and only bringing it out in the evening once the little ones are in bed? What do you want to do, do you want to stay and make it work or move on with the little kids and start afresh? Before you make any of these big decisions I would consider some kind of therapy for all of you. Could you write DH a letter outlining how you are feeling? Take care of yourself, and I hope the decision on what to do comes to you sooner rather than later. ------------- Mr Mellow (16) Miss Attitude (8) Destructa Kid (3) 
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Posted By: lizzle
Date Posted: 30 November 2008 at 8:37am
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Annie - firstly big hugs.
I agree with the marriage councelling - even if it doesn't work. you can say you did EVERYTHING to try and work things out. to be honest, it sounds like R is being unreasonable with his kid - I mean I understand that it must be hard for N being in a new environment, but kids are very very sneaky and NEED those boundaries. When my parents divorced I stayed at Dad's and m stepmothers sometimes, I was very manipulative and could tunr on the tears when things went an alternative route to what i wanted. It was all for show and all to see how muchI could get away with. When I was teaching in Gisborne we had this girl who was a right little biartch. Then i found out her home life was horrendous. truly horrible and I felt sorry for her. My associate teacher said don't. She needs to learn life lessons and she certainly won't get them at home, so we have to teach her - that doesn't mean we let her get away with stuff, but we have strict boundaries on her - for her own good, so she can be a good adult. So, after all that rambling. You are right. And we have spare beds here if you need them. and rant away |
Posted By: caraMel
Date Posted: 30 November 2008 at 10:04am
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Annie, chick things do sound pretty awful.
I agree with Mel and Liz, if R is willing, try counselling before you make any final decisions. As Liz said, at least then, even if it doesn't work out, you'll know that you did fight for your marriage and things couldn't be resolved. Does R know you're feeling almost ready to leave? Big giant hugs, thinking of you Annie. ------------- Mel, Mummy to E: 6, B: 4 and: 
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Posted By: caliandjack
Date Posted: 30 November 2008 at 10:04am
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Agree with seeking marriage counselling it may help to talk it through with a third party, as you may not be seeing things from each other's point of view.
Do you love your husband? ------------- http://lilypie.com" rel="nofollow">   [/url] Angel June 2012 |
Posted By: nikkitheknitter
Date Posted: 30 November 2008 at 10:52am
| Aw Annie. xoxoxoxoxox |
Posted By: McPloppy
Date Posted: 30 November 2008 at 10:58am
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i agree with the above in regards to counceling. Also it important to keep the lines of communication open with DH. Is there a way of letting him know that N needs boundaries and consistency now more than ever. Does N go to school? ------------- http://lilypie.com"> 
http://lilypie.com"> 
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Posted By: james
Date Posted: 30 November 2008 at 12:11pm
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big hugs hun ------------- <a href="http://lilypie.com"><img src="http://b4.lilypie.com/nLJ5p13.png" alt="Lilypie 4th Birthday Ticker" border="0" /></a> |
Posted By: Andie
Date Posted: 30 November 2008 at 1:56pm
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Aw chick, what an awful time for you!
Sounds like you and R need to really lay things out on the table, and I agree, even if you tried counselling and it didn't work out (but hey, it does work out too!) you'd know you'd tried. For what it's worth, I think it sounds like you're trying to soooo do the right thing for his son, and it stinks that you're not being backed up on that. ------------- Andie |
Posted By: miss
Date Posted: 30 November 2008 at 4:57pm
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Hey I am so sorry to hear that you are having such a hard time :( Dumb!
I think that applying for councelling through the courts is a great idea. Even if your DH won't go for it, they will see you alone whcih can give you tools to manage things. You just get the forms fromt he courts. in the mean time, is there any way you can start squirrelling a little money away each week? I would suggest opening an account which somewhere as the teenager sounds the sort to hunt for hidden cash and you don't want to get him finding it. Then start paying into it whatever you can - getting some off the shopping etc. That way it can be a little emergency nest should you need to leave, or if things get better, it can be used for a second honeymoon :) And don't worry if you are only getting the amount of a bottle of milk or whatever each week, as that is a start, every bit helps. Just make sure that you have all communication going to an email he hasn't got access to, and if htey have to write maybe have your postal address as a friends, rather than y ours. -------------  
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Posted By: susieq
Date Posted: 30 November 2008 at 5:02pm
| Big hugs Annie |
Posted By: Kels
Date Posted: 30 November 2008 at 6:07pm
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------------- http://lilypie.com"> 
Busy mum to Miss 15yrs, Miss 10yrs and Master 4yrs |
Posted By: Jennz
Date Posted: 01 December 2008 at 2:30am
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Sounds like things are definitely getting on top of you guys! I agree with the marriage counselling- and what about setting up a family meeting with the teen? If you, DH and him all sit down at the table one night and talk about where you are going to go from here. Then you can vent out how you are feeling to both of them and hopefully come up with some solutions together. ------------- Jen, Charlotte 7 & Kate 3 
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Posted By: jack_&_charli
Date Posted: 01 December 2008 at 8:41am
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awww hun
no advice, it's all been said.....but lots and lots of hugs for you hun! ------------- http://www.alternatickers.com"> 
http://lilypie.com"> 
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Posted By: mum2emj
Date Posted: 01 December 2008 at 9:18am
annie 
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Posted By: my4beauties
Date Posted: 01 December 2008 at 9:33am
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I'm so sorry Annie, to hear things aren't good at the moment. One thing I wanted to suggest, though it has been said already, is to have a "meeting" with R, and talk about how you're feeling. You both have issues with each other which need to be addressed, and especially with N coming to live with you now, that really needs to be talked about and you need to let R know how much it affects you and the other children having a teenager new in the house. I've found when I'm upset with my Dh that talking to him takes a huge load off, and at least then he knows why I'm angry at him and the cause if why I've acted b*tchy to him. Instead of him getting angry back at me and us both being unhappy. It might not help, but a good talk can't hurt, right?
------------- My babies: R (9),G (7), J (5) http://lilypie.com" rel="nofollow"> 
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Posted By: pikelets
Date Posted: 01 December 2008 at 10:41am
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Sorry to hear that things are not going well for you. It sounds like this has become a huge problem that the two of you may not be able to solve on your own. I agree with the suggestion of counselling. It may not work but at least you tried for yourself and your family and you can tell your kids one day that you did your best. Having a teenager around must be really hard. Your DH probably doesnt know how to handle it so may learn some great tips/info from the counsellor to do with that as well as your relationship. All the very best. I really hope it works out for you. ------------- http://lilypie.com"> 
 3 Angels - Dec10 / Mar11 / Dec11
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Posted By: daikini
Date Posted: 02 December 2008 at 7:34am
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Oh Annie!
Agree with the councelling - you can get free relationship councelling through the family courts. ------------- Becca, mum of 2 girls & 3 boys |
Posted By: Jay_R
Date Posted: 02 December 2008 at 8:41am
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Oh Annie, I'm really sorry to read this sad post.
I'll send you a PM.
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Posted By: Lisha
Date Posted: 02 December 2008 at 9:54am
Thinking of you Annie. ------------- http://lilypie.com">  http://lilypie.com">
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Posted By: fattartsrock
Date Posted: 02 December 2008 at 2:36pm
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Hi everyone
Thanks for your kind words and thoughts. To be honest I just don't know anything anymore. I am going to apply thru the courts for some councelling, I think we need it, we had some issues before SS moved n and things just compounded. The main thing is the fighting and N and his attitude and fight picking is affecting the little ones. Jake gets very upset, and as much as I try to reassure him I'm not mad or Dad or N isn't mad at him, its hard to know what goes on in their heads. Charlotte just crys and has become very very clingy. Someone asked if I still love him, and to be honest, I just don't know anymore. I don't know if its just my anger and hurt clouding over things or what at the moment. I just want it to be good again, and if I'm honest for DSS to patch things up at his mothers and go back, but I know that is never going to happen and I just have to suck it up. He is here for good and I have to learn to live with it, this is the new normal for us now. He is on school holidays now, and I am praying he gets a job, or I am scared I will go postal by the end of the holidays. I know alot of it is my selfish issues, but I am really struggling. Like I said we wee very rocky beofre DSS moved in. I said to R last night I felt he cared more about his ex wifes marriage problems than his own at the moment. Agh. I hate this. ------------- The Honest Un PC Parent of 2, usually stuck in the naughty corner! :P |
Posted By: Kellz
Date Posted: 02 December 2008 at 3:35pm
So sorry you are going through such a rough time Annie. Worst time of the year too for it all to be happening too 
Thinking of you
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Posted By: nictoddie
Date Posted: 02 December 2008 at 8:00pm
Thinking of you too , being a step parent is the hardest job in the world especially to teenagers! So I take my hat off to you, I have a step daughter who is 16 but we hardly have seen much of her since she hit the teens as she now has a social life. We have been through a few ruff patches in our marraige and have had time apart on two ocassions for about 6 months each time, the second time we did the counselling through the courts and it was very helpful, we have been back together for just over 2 years and while life will never be perfect it is alot better than it was before, has it's moments but we get there, wishing you all the best with the huge decisions you need to make and well done for talking about it  ------------- 
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Posted By: KiwiL
Date Posted: 02 December 2008 at 10:24pm
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Hugs Annie. I don't know you well, but you've been really helpful to me and it sounds very unpleasant to be feeling this way.
I hope that you can sort your issues, or move on, because your happiness, and the children's happiness is paramount. Keep your chin up! Thinking of you. xx |
Posted By: cuppatea
Date Posted: 02 December 2008 at 10:28pm
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No advice for you, just some cyber hugs.
------------- 
 
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Posted By: pikelets
Date Posted: 17 December 2008 at 1:38pm
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Hi Annie,
I have been thinking about you and was wondering how you are getting on. I hope things are improving for you. ------------- http://lilypie.com">
3 Angels - Dec10 / Mar11 / Dec11
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Posted By: Jessica
Date Posted: 17 December 2008 at 2:33pm
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Same, have been thinking of you. I hope that things have improved somehow. Hugs ------------- 
Our con-joined boys 20 wk |
Posted By: skp
Date Posted: 17 December 2008 at 2:42pm
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wow that sounds to be a really tough situation, I don't have any step children so can't really comment other than I think he is milking it a bit with lying around all day etc. Don't give up on your marriage though hun, try counselling before you decide what to do because there must have been love there to get married and have kids etc.
------------- http://lilypie.com"> 
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Posted By: jack_&_charli
Date Posted: 17 December 2008 at 7:26pm
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haven't seen you around for a while hun.......hope things are improving for you??
hugs hun ------------- http://www.alternatickers.com">
http://lilypie.com">
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Posted By: Chickaboo
Date Posted: 17 December 2008 at 9:19pm
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thinking of you too ------------- http://lilypie.com">
876 |