Inlaws and people who dont know anything
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Forum Name: General Chat
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URL: https://www.ohbaby.co.nz/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=23517
Printed Date: 03 October 2025 at 6:39pm
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Topic: Inlaws and people who dont know anything
Posted By: Snappy
Subject: Inlaws and people who dont know anything
Date Posted: 06 January 2009 at 3:39pm
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Um, since when does a HRV system extract cigarette smoke from in a dining room to outside?
We were at DHs grandparents and a guest of theirs went outside to have a cigarette. His Nana told her to smoke inside (We were in the room with Jackson) The lady said no, and that she was worried about the baby, and his nana insisted that she smoke inside, and convinced her that the HRV system would get all of the smoke out of the room so it wouldnt harm the baby. So I leave the room and pretend to change his nappy. Come dinner time, and his Aunty tries to shove cream and marshmallows down Jacksons throat. I said "Hes not allowed to have that sort of thing" To which she replied "WHY!!!!!!!????" "Why on earth NOT?" (Looks at me as if I am terrible for depriving my child of fat) I didnt know what to say, apart from that it would make him sick. Then, she decides to give him a spoonful anyway, despite what I had said. Then she puts him on the floor and tells ME not to touch him, and that he is fine and to eat my dinner. Then Janaya starts climbing on a guest so I tell her to sit down. DHs aunt butts in and tells ME to LEAVE my kid alone and that shes a GOOD KID. and if the GUEST has a problem with Janaya then she will tell Janaya herself. I am absolutely sick of them, and I am sick of being the polite one who never says a word or sticks up for myself and my kids. I just wish I had some clever ways of saying things to them. How do you deal with your Inlaws? Anyone ever stuck up for themselves? Im afraid if I do Ill never be able to go there again (Which wont be so bad I guess?) ------------- Mummy to two beauties... Formerly Kaiz. |
Replies:
Posted By: caraMel
Date Posted: 06 January 2009 at 3:46pm
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All I can say is, I feel your pain!
My current method of coping is to kill them with kindness in the hope it will earn me brownie points that will help them respect my requests regarding the children. Not too sure how this is going to pan out but my tongue is pretty raw from all the biting! ------------- Mel, Mummy to E: 6, B: 4 and: 
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Posted By: caliandjack
Date Posted: 06 January 2009 at 4:22pm
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As kids my brother and I didn't have anything to do with my Dad's parents cause they were mean to my mother. It was their loss not hers. ------------- http://lilypie.com" rel="nofollow">   [/url] Angel June 2012 |
Posted By: lilfatty
Date Posted: 06 January 2009 at 4:48pm
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My family are far too scared of me to every disobey me when it comes to Isabelle!
They tend to say things like .. oh you would really like this icecream but your mean Mummy said you cant have it .. which used to piss me off, but know I couldnt give a toss 
DHs family are on the other side of the world (thank goodness) so I only have to hear about their snarky comment about me from afar ------------- Mummy to Issy (3) and Elias (18 months) I did it .. 41 kgs gone! From flab to fab in under a year  http://www.femininefitness.co.nz/category/blog - LFs weight blog
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Posted By: NovemberMum
Date Posted: 06 January 2009 at 5:02pm
that would have really pissed me off..if anyone wants to give my child something to eat they ask me or DH first we are the only ones who decide (at this stage) what she can and cannot have ------------- http://lilypie.com"> 
http://lilypie.com"> 
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kaiz231 wrote:Posted By: .Mel
Date Posted: 06 January 2009 at 5:03pm
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Oh don't get me started on mine.
What does your DH do when people butt in and try to take over? ------------- Mr Mellow (16) Miss Attitude (8) Destructa Kid (3) 
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Posted By: caitlynsmygirl
Date Posted: 06 January 2009 at 5:04pm
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If it was me , being sarcastic and "mean" (others words , not mine)
I would say "ah , yes, I remember the day you gave birth to Jackson , gosh that was a memorable day ...oh wait , that was me " fix them with my LOOK and walk away > as for Janaya climbing on people and you not being allowed to tell your own child off, grr that really gets to me, my friend has one of the worst , ok , THE worst behaved kids ive ever ever met, and then I found out why , when my friend dares to tell her off, she gets told off , for telling her child off, wtf? all that teaches them is 1) they can do what they want , and 2) they don't have to respect their mums wishes. So tell them where to go , your the one who has to go home with them at the end of the day . ------------- 
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Posted By: BugTeeny
Date Posted: 06 January 2009 at 5:11pm
 That would've really annoyed me, too.
Our battle du-jour is the car seat. MIL has hired a car seat so she can have Hannah in her car. She usually takes her two times a week while I go to the gym and on days where we're both going out together (which we do at least once a week). She's all excited at the prospect of turning the car-seat to forward-facing once Hannah's 1 (as per Plunket) DH and I have both decided that we're going to wait until she's 12kgs (also Plunket mandated). She's currently 7.5kgs. MIL insists that it's 12 months old ("6 months would've been fine"), and the fact she can't see Hannah while driving (OK, that just shows she cares, but still...) bugs her. So we're just waiting for her to show up with a forward-facing seat come Jan 26th. Unfortunately I don't have DH's balls - unless he's with me. So I just smile and say "We'll see".  ------------- 
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Posted By: lilfatty
Date Posted: 06 January 2009 at 5:53pm
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Actually that raises a q from me .. need to go post topic lol ------------- Mummy to Issy (3) and Elias (18 months) I did it .. 41 kgs gone! From flab to fab in under a year http://www.femininefitness.co.nz/category/blog - LFs weight blog
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Posted By: lizzle
Date Posted: 06 January 2009 at 6:17pm
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My SIL is a bit of a know-all but I felt sorry for her when her MIL bought her NEWBORN a front-facing seat. Stupid SIL let her MIL use it, whereas I would have said - no take it back.
My FIL, bless his heart, is incredibly guilty of doing dumb stuff. He tried to take Jake to town once without a carseat (at 2 years old) - "for a treat". When i said, "no way in hell" he was fine with it. But, with the in laws generally, it is HUBBY"S responsibility to stick up for us and the family. He'll have to bite the bullet and speak up. |
Posted By: Danaj
Date Posted: 06 January 2009 at 6:30pm
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We moved 535kms away. Life is good. Enough said. ------------- http://www.TickerFactory.com/weight-loss/wyI1oWn/"> 
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Posted By: baalamb
Date Posted: 06 January 2009 at 6:33pm
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Great way for your inlaws to make you feel like you can't parent your own kids the way you want to in their company!
My cousin once told me about a way to get her 2 cents in with her inlaws whilst still being polite. Just for an example, if someone was giving her little boy food that she didn't want him to have, she would say directly to her son (in that sing song mother voice we all have) "oh we don't eat things like that, do we, T? They're for big kids and it might make you sick. We don't want you to be sick, do we?" or whatever the reason is. So she used to direct things at her son while still getting the point across about what she wanted/didn't want others to do! Apparently worked a treat. |
Posted By: Danaj
Date Posted: 06 January 2009 at 6:39pm
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Just tell them to b*gger off. People quickly learn not to cross you. Don't worry about offending people, they'll be too scared of upsetting the apple cart and will do everything they can to avoid upsetting you. Works a treat!! Just be a B*tch :) ------------- http://www.TickerFactory.com/weight-loss/wyI1oWn/">
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Posted By: kiwisj
Date Posted: 06 January 2009 at 6:41pm
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Grrrrrr that would have REALLY peeved me off, specially about the smoking. And the food. OK and the not being able to tell off your own daughter! So rude!
Not that I have any useful advice, sorry. My ILs are safely tucked away in Aussie bugging DHs sister Actually, I think they're pretty good at doing what she wants, they (MIL) just make comments to me about the way my nephews act or what milestones they're up to. Thing is, I think they think they're being helpful??------------- SJ Callum - Dec 2008 Daniel - Oct 2010 |
Posted By: Snappy
Date Posted: 06 January 2009 at 7:36pm
Oh, Ive heard that many a time! Ive also been harrassed about the rear-facing carseats by them too! DHs aunt "Why is your carseat around the wrong way? hahaha" me: "Because Plunket now recommends they are rear facing until 12months old" DHs aunt "Well my kids arent rear facing and ive never heard that before!" You'd think a normal Non-Inlaw person would say something like "Oh i never knew that, that would make sense being rear facing". DH is always sticking up for me and calling his Nana to tell her off. Which i think makes it worse because she then acts like the victim and gets upset and thinks shes being picked on. One aunt doesnt talk to me anymore because one day she pulled me aside when DH was out of the room and gave me a lecture about us getting married and how she hoped it wouldnt end in a divorce! DH told her off. ------------- Mummy to two beauties... Formerly Kaiz. |
Posted By: cuppatea
Date Posted: 06 January 2009 at 7:36pm
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I'm with Danaj just say no. I would off stopped the spoon before it got to his mouth personally, and I would have still told Janaya to get down.
The thing is they don't mind saying what they like to you, so why do you mind saying something to them? I'm lucky in that my inlaws and my parents for that matter live on the other side of the planet but when my mum was here and questioned how I was doing things or would make remarks along the lines of "your sister lets J do this, that and the other" then I would just say, well I don't. When DH's parents visited they didn't really make any comments or try to take over his care in anyway which was great. MIL did like to feed him but was happy to give him the food I had prepared and didn't try to give him anything else. ------------- 
 
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Posted By: MrsMojo
Date Posted: 06 January 2009 at 7:51pm
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I used to be very meek and polite for fear of insulting my MIL and only snapped at a couple of things (like when she tried to spit on my baby daughter to make her hair go curly Then MIL moved in with us and my new tactic was to complain to DH about things and get him to deal with them but that was annoying DH and then one day I got home and heard her telling my daughter off and calling her a pain in the ass for having a toileting accident (nb. her TTing issues started when MIL started caring for her in the afternoons so there's only one person who had a problem IMO and it wasn't the child). Anyway that made something click for me and I realised that I don't actually care what she thinks of me because my daughter is the most important person in my world and anyone that tries to do anything detrimental to her or that goes against a decision DH and I have made can kiss my ass - we are her parents and we make the decisions. My issues now are twofold. Firstly MIL does things like feeding Michaela sweets when I'm not home to stop it and then she brags about how many sweets she ate later. I'm not sure how to deal with this, I have already threatened to charge her for any dentistry care required but she ignores me so I might take Michaela to the dental nurse and then come home and tell MIL that dental nurse was shocked at the sugar induced decay (not that she has any but hey, I'm not above lying especially since eating sweets in the afternoon prevent Michaela from eating her dinner). Secondly when she wants to do something and DH and I put our foots down MIL makes little comments about how mean we are, how she let her kids do this or that and how her other kids let their children and then when we still don't budge she sulks - that actually doesn't bother me, I just pretend not to notice and carry on as normal until she gets over it. On the bright side in 2 weeks Michaela starts kindy 3 afternoons per week so MIL will only have her 2 afternoons per week and in less than 5 mths I'll be on maternity leave so there won't be much opportunity for her to do things behind my back. -------------  
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- gosh my disgusted reaction induced some arguments but there was no way anyone was spitting on my baby). Posted By: busymum
Date Posted: 06 January 2009 at 7:57pm
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That's just not on. One of you (pref DH!!) needs to contact MIL and say, when we come to visit please remember that we need to make our own choices about our kids and we would like to have your support. Then, next time you visit - hopefully it will be way different but if not - be firm. Make sure you and your DH have talked it over first so that he can back you up if necessary, but say things like, excuse me I am talking to DD and this is not any of your business and/or no, I am not happy for DS to eat marshmallows today. You need to be firm about your own boundaries otherwise you'll probably end up not visiting each other at all. -------------  |
Posted By: caitlynsmygirl
Date Posted: 06 January 2009 at 8:12pm
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Quote from Jo
"Anyway that made something click for me and I realised that I don't actually care what she thinks of me because my daughter is the most important person in my world and anyone that tries to do anything detrimental to her or that goes against a decision DH and I have made can kiss my ass - we are her parents and we make the decisions." so true, I love the way you word things . This, from Cuppatea, is also very true "The thing is they don't mind saying what they like to you, so why do you mind saying something to them? " well said  -------------
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Posted By: Snappy
Date Posted: 06 January 2009 at 8:26pm
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Oh yes, lollies are a problem for us too.
What did they feed babies in the olden days? Butter, cream and potatoes? Marshmallows for dessert? And what do you say when people say "It never hurt our babies" or "our kids turned out all right" ? Kelly I like your giving birth scenario answer thingee. I wish I was tough... I think they pick on me because they can. Grrr, they all still go on about the time they came to visit me after Jackson was born and how awful I looked. Rest assured they do say "Oh, but you look much better now" Well, yes, if you hadnt of turned up 25 mins after I had given birth, and 4 mins after I had had stitches then perhaps you would have seen a more beautiful version of myself. They are all nutters really (Gosh I hope my DH doesnt read this!) We dont even talk to his mother because shes the worst of all of them. ------------- Mummy to two beauties... Formerly Kaiz. |
Posted By: cuppatea
Date Posted: 06 January 2009 at 8:30pm
I would say "are you sure about that?" But seriously just say "well these days more is known about nutrition, dental decay, allergies, car safety, or whatever they are hounding you about" -------------
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Posted By: MrsMojo
Date Posted: 06 January 2009 at 8:53pm
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Funny you say that. I once asked my MIL whether she gave her kids sweets everyday and she was shocked at the thought "oh no, I would never give them sweets except on special occasions" was the answer -------------
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Posted By: McPloppy
Date Posted: 06 January 2009 at 8:55pm
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Oh this topic brings back memories.....
last year when I was at my friends place for dinner my son started throwing a tantrum so i took him away from the table and let him know he was welcome back when he was ready to behave like the lovely big boy he was. Well my friends mother (who has bean an authority figure throughout my life) said out loud "listen he has finnished he can come back the poor wee boy...he just a little boy" and when DS came back in the room was questioning my authority in front of him. In front of everyone there (all of her family) i asked her politely but firmly not to question my authority in front of him again. She is more than welcome to speak to me when he is not around if she has concerns but never in front of him. Well she has not spoken to me since and was most offended. MIL tried to give DS a biscuit after dinner when he had not finished his. I quickly pipped up with "now you know there is nothing else if you do not eat your dinner" MIL said "Oh but i have already said he could have it" i replied that she has dissapointed him then. i do have to admit though that my MIL is great and most of the time very respectful and always asks me first...now to get her to ask me when DH is not in earshot :o) Good luck the rest of you remember polite but firm. ------------- http://lilypie.com"> 
http://lilypie.com"> 
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Posted By: lilfatty
Date Posted: 06 January 2009 at 8:55pm
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I thought they couldnt afford sweets in the golden olden days .. surely .. they couldnt afford shoes and used to walk in the snow to school ------------- Mummy to Issy (3) and Elias (18 months) I did it .. 41 kgs gone! From flab to fab in under a year http://www.femininefitness.co.nz/category/blog - LFs weight blog
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Posted By: Snappy
Date Posted: 06 January 2009 at 8:58pm
Thats right. And they only got an apple for christmas, so DHs Grandfather tells me. ------------- Mummy to two beauties... Formerly Kaiz. |
Posted By: busymum
Date Posted: 06 January 2009 at 9:22pm
My grandma used to try to feed me honey and jam off a spoon because I looked so thin... hehe I still am  ------------- |
Posted By: ooEvaoo
Date Posted: 06 January 2009 at 10:12pm
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All HRV do is circulate air from your ceiling space into your home.....I'd tell MIL to read her manual before dishing out the "pros" of owning one!
The food thing........I'd probably say something dramatic like........sure you can give him that..but I'd say about in about 10 minutes we're gonna be needing an ambulance..being allergic and all.....Give them a fright! And telling you Not to parent your child...........well I'd say..When you're ready to pay for all my child's need, future school fees, and pocket money, then maybe you can have a say in how I parent my child. The cheek of some people!! ------------- 
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Posted By: MissAngel
Date Posted: 06 January 2009 at 10:40pm
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Oh goodness me you girls have just cheered me up LOLOLOL!!!! My MIL is a classic too, she likes to take him from me without asking, is really quite rough with him (didnt hurt her boys) tries to feed him stuff when I'm not looking. I'm not going to post what I actually said to her as i'll get a ban, but it had a lot of *** ****** ***** etc :P Now she does what I want.
Honestly, god help anyone who gets in the way of parenting my child the way that I NEED TO in order to LEARN etc from my OWN mistakes and other random crap like that. ------------- Alex, Thomas and Lily http://lilypie.com" rel="nofollow"> 
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Posted By: fire_engine
Date Posted: 07 January 2009 at 9:25am
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Ah, nice to know there are others out with with IL issues - reassuring I'm not the only one. Problem is, sometimes I wonder if I make it an issue cos they're ILs (ie if my family said the same thing, would I get annoyed) or is it really an issue. ------------- Mum to two wee boys |
Posted By: Danaj
Date Posted: 07 January 2009 at 9:58am
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I'm not looking forward to mine once bubs is here. Lucky we live so far away.
We got married last March. The grandfather told DH that he should have found a younger bride and that my friends and family were just there to free load for the day. Might I add that his side of the family didn't pay for anything and DH and I scrimped for months to pay for to Zoo which is what we dearly wanted. Then the aunt got so drunk that she puked all through the toilets and the whole reception stunk of vomit......She's never apologised. Lucky my FIL is sane and quite lovely but the rest can stick it up their butts. DH is well aware that I refuse to go back to their houses after those comments at our wedding. I wasn't even acknowldged at our wedding by the grandmother and she just sat in the corner and gave me nasty looks. They were also late to the ceremony so made ME wait at the top so they could go down in their own time. GGGRRRRRRR....... Sorry, I know this isn't about parenting but can you imagine what they're going to be like? I guess i'm lucky they don't like me (cause i'm a whole 2 years older than DH and a normal kiwi girl and not the trophy bride they thought he should have) so I don't have to worry about offending them. If they do or say anything I don't like then I'm just going to tell them straight. ------------- http://www.TickerFactory.com/weight-loss/wyI1oWn/">
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Posted By: Danaj
Date Posted: 07 January 2009 at 9:59am
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Oh, and all the lollies DO make a difference. I'm still having fillings ripped out and replaced. About 8 so far all originally from when I was a kid. ------------- http://www.TickerFactory.com/weight-loss/wyI1oWn/">
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Posted By: AandCsmum
Date Posted: 07 January 2009 at 10:35am
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OMG you've gotta love In laws! I do not like mine either.
I felt I had to prove to them while we were in Akld last week that my DD had really bad Chicken pox & that was why we couldn't see them, not my fault that none of them had had them. We made it clear that the only day we could see them was one particular day & then on the last day MIL was crying on the phone saying DH hated her cause we didn't see them on any other day. WTF  DH said we should have never told them that we were going up there.
Sorry that was an inlaw vent. I absolutely hate people correcting my parenting. I do not allow DD to have lollies etc as a rule as I am the one that has to deal with the sugar high not them & now I tell people that. You need to put across or get your DH to put across that what you two say goes. ------------- Kel http://lilypie.com"> 
A = 01.02.04 & C = 16.01.09 & G = 30.03.12 |