Leaving them to scream
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Topic: Leaving them to scream
Posted By: Danaj
Subject: Leaving them to scream
Date Posted: 12 February 2009 at 5:24pm
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Ok, My 8 day old little girl is a screamer. Got her consitpation sorted and have been to the paediatrician to get her checked and all is ok. Doc says she is just at the extreme end of the scale up there with colicy babies. Just great.
So, how long do you let them scream for before getting them back up? She's fine at night, just screams non stop during the day. I can't let this continue cause I can't have another night without sleep. 2 minutes then check then 2 more minutes is what i've been told but this little one needs some tough love. How long is too long? ------------- http://www.TickerFactory.com/weight-loss/wyI1oWn/"> 
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Replies:
Posted By: HippyMama
Date Posted: 12 February 2009 at 5:37pm
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Why does she need 'tough love' at 8 days old? I know it is stressful for you, at 8 days post birth, but if a baby that age is in pain then the thing they need most is comfort.
I know they don't usually diagnose reflux this early, but does she spill much? Have you tried gripe water? Is she breast or bottle fed? ------------- Mama to two earth walkers & two angels. Remember, you are not managing an inconvenience; You are raising a human being. ~ Kittie Franz Next Slingbabies! Meet - Friday 4th May !! |
Posted By: kiwisj
Date Posted: 12 February 2009 at 5:39pm
 I don't have any brilliant advice for you, sorry hun, just didn't want to read and run.
I will say that I totally feel your pain, Callum is "colicky" and has a pretty angry cry to tell me all about it! I get DH to help out as much as possible (including doing his 10pm feed) when he's at home. Some nights he walks in the door and I hand the baby over and say "I'm off to bed" and just leave him to it. If they're crying all the time you NEED to have a break from it when you can or it will drive you nuts! At the moment we're just trying to get through it. Lots of cuddles with Callum, warm bath every night, definite night time routine and trying really hard to stay calm... easy to SAY that huh. During the day, if you carry her does it keep her calm? Would you consider wearing her in a sling or carrier? At least that way you can still get some stuff done. ------------- SJ Callum - Dec 2008 Daniel - Oct 2010 |
Posted By: lilfatty
Date Posted: 12 February 2009 at 5:50pm
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She is 8 days old .. I wouldnt leave her to cry at all.
I still dont leave Issy to cry .. although because I have NEVER let her cry, she doesnt tend to unless its bad. (Although she would cry when left when v little .. I just used to baby wear her and she was completely content) ------------- Mummy to Issy (3) and Elias (18 months) I did it .. 41 kgs gone! From flab to fab in under a year  http://www.femininefitness.co.nz/category/blog - LFs weight blog
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Posted By: MrsMojo
Date Posted: 12 February 2009 at 5:51pm
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She's so little I wouldn't leave her to scream at all. I know it's hard, I had a colicky baby too and remember crying in my bed because I felt useless as though it was my fault that she wouldn't settle. In my experience leaving them to scream doesn't do anything except make it worse anyway. Why not try: Using a front pack, moby wrap or sling. Make sure whichever method you use she has close contact to you because kangaroo cuddles have been proven to help settle babies. Learn to lie down to feed and ask DH to keep an eye on you so you can have a wee nap while feeding without worrying about. Try gripe water, infacol and colic powder. It does get better I promise but I definitely wouldn't use 'tough love' on her. IMO babies that are left to cry simply learn how to cry louder and longer. -------------  
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Posted By: kiwisj
Date Posted: 12 February 2009 at 5:56pm
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I would agree with not "leaving" her to cry. At 8 days old, if she's screaming it's because she needs something (even if it's 'just' cuddles and reassurance) .. crying it out won't work.
Having said that, there are times when I have had to put C down in the middle of a crying session - you still have to go to the loo, get yourself a drink or even just lay the blanket out to wrap the baby! A couple of days ago I put Callum on the floor while I went to get a drink so I could feed him AGAIN (he was overtired and just wouldnt settle for a sleep) .. he fell asleep almost immediately! So I left him there for 45 minutes till he woke up again and just sat there watching him (and wishing he could be that calm and content all the time). ------------- SJ Callum - Dec 2008 Daniel - Oct 2010 |
Posted By: pepsi
Date Posted: 12 February 2009 at 6:18pm
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Also in agreement with not leaving her to scream...I personally think 8 days old is just too young to do this. A frontpack or sling sounds like a great place to start like the others have said. Your little girl is still getting used to the fact she's not in your comfy tummy anymore she probably loves the close contact. Are you swaddling her at the moment too? This can also help colicky babies settle..
Let's not forget the weather has been bloody awful and humid lately so maybe that isn't helping either - check the temperature in her room and check she's not over or underdressed.. the temp thing is what caught me out with Alyssa when she was a newborn. I had her room way too hot. It's so overwhelming being a new mum and things are so hard to cope with when you are sleep deprived. Do you have anyone who can take over for a little while during the day so you can get some sleep? |
Posted By: BuzzyBee
Date Posted: 12 February 2009 at 6:21pm
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I'm not a fan of tough love even at the age of my son 23 months. Definitely a big no-no for an 8 day old baby! If she's screaming it's because she clearly wants something, is in pain, wants to be comforted by her mother....the list is endless.
If you've checked her nappy, fed her, burped her etc etc the only thing left is to cuddle/comfort her until she settles. Controlled crying or CIO isn't usually suggested until like 8 months + and even then a lot of people (like myself) don't use it as an option, as it simply doesn't work for some kids. |
Posted By: BuzzyBee
Date Posted: 12 February 2009 at 6:22pm
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Ohh yes a pouch sling or the sorts, they are fantastic!
Heh I just re-read your post, gosh I didn't know what sleep was until Lucas was 6 months old, and even now at nearly 2 he still wakes 2-3 times of a night ....You get used to it eventually  - I think for a lot of us on here sleep does become a distant memory for those first few months at least - am i right ladies?
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Posted By: peachy
Date Posted: 12 February 2009 at 6:51pm
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I wouldn't let her scream either. A newborn cries because s/he needs its Mummy!
I have to agree with BuzzyBee, a full nights sleep is a distant memory ago and I don't anticipate getting a full nights sleep for a while longer yet!! ------------- http://lilypie.com">  http://lilypie.com">
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Posted By: CuriousG
Date Posted: 12 February 2009 at 7:02pm
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I am with everyone else, she is too young to cry it out. Front packs worked a treat for me, I had a baby who wouldn't sleep or settle well during the day. I know its hard, you are exhausted and frustrated. It does get easier, but its hard at first.
Big hugs ------------- http://lilypie.com"> 
http://lilypie.com"> 
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Posted By: Bobbie
Date Posted: 12 February 2009 at 7:26pm
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I'd recommend a front pack or sling too. But 8 days is a bit young for CIO in my opinion.
The maximum I let Rowan cry for now is 5 minutes and that's only if I know that she's fed/warm/clean nappy etc. and is just a bit overtired. I didn't start even doing the 2 mins then check until she was about 8 or 9 months old. -------------  
 
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Posted By: NeoshasMummy
Date Posted: 12 February 2009 at 7:28pm
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It's a big long journey coming into the world for a little baby everything is new and scary she is used to being with you 24/7 slowly ease her out of this. We did controlled crying from 10 weeks and our girl has slept perfectly from 12 weeks, before then write off any night sleep because it aint just gunna happen.
The key is to not let them get too worked up (but this is for much later on it's definately too early to start trying now) we would leave N to grizzle but NEVER let her get into a state other wise it makes things 10 times worse, we put her in bed awake, wrapped, burped and did this day and night. It took 2 weeks of zero sleep day and night going in every 3 minutes and eventually it worked but was very hard... very very hard but in the long run it was good for her because she had gone from hourly waking to 6 hours and we both settled alot better. Anyway have you got a hammock? I agree with the others keep her on you in a sling, she will want to hear your heartbeat and smell you as much as she can. Hugs, you will get through this. ------------- https://secure.fertilityfriend.com/home/30c4ec/" rel="nofollow">  Mrs Te Kani ❤️ Neosha 26/5/2007 |
Posted By: tishy
Date Posted: 12 February 2009 at 7:30pm
Oh I've been there as well! At 6 weeks Eimear became like this. Every night she would cry and cry and cry... Then we introduced a dummy. This stopped the crying but I spent many an hour sleeping on the recliner so she could get some sleep. Turned out it was a wheat & dairy intolerance and once I sorted that she became a happy baby. |
MrsMojo wrote:Posted By: noisybaby
Date Posted: 12 February 2009 at 7:34pm
| I had the same thing with our wee girl. I can understand how you feel. We went and bought a hammock to help her sleep. The bouncing helped to calm her down and settle her to sleep. Don't worry about how you get her to sleep just concentrate on getting her to sleep. I found a sking worked well during the day. We let her sleep on us, rocked her to sleep, feed her to sleep anything that would work. If she doesn't get enough sleep it will only get worse. I know what we did was considered not ideal but we are getting there now with her. Just hang in there. It's not easy but you'll get there. Big hugs to you and It does get better. If you want to talk just pm me. I'm always on the computer |
Posted By: .Mel
Date Posted: 12 February 2009 at 7:52pm
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One thing you have to remember is that she has been inside you and with you for 9mths, being outside now is a huge shock for her, like someone said she's screaming because she needs you, she needs to know that you are there for her, and by letting her scream like that she is getting mixed messages. In her little mind she is screaming and no one is there for her when she needs them.
I would definitely use a front pack so she can be close to you and feel your heartbeat, remember she has heard this for 9mths, and hearing that will comfort her. Wrap her up really tightly and lay her on a pillow beside you. Are you wrapping her, have you tried a dummy? Is she hungry? Good luck, the first couple of weeks are really hard, you are getting to know each other, and sometimes the only way for her to communicate with you is to cry. Take Care. ------------- Mr Mellow (16) Miss Attitude (8) Destructa Kid (3) 
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Posted By: WRXnKids
Date Posted: 12 February 2009 at 8:11pm
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To be honest it sounds like CIO isnt working for you so stop it and just do what ever doesnt make you go insane to get bub to sleep because otherwise you will end up wiped out and stressed to the max. Newborns are such a shock to the system i think dummies, rocking to sleep, feeding to sleep, letting bub sleep on you and the 5S should be compulsory because bad habits can always be dealt with at a later stage.
The first 6 weeks should be about keeping mums sanity not sticking to strict routines and theories from professors or other mothers who have been published every baby is different in how need to be handled at that age. Try everything and anything but if it isnt working move on to another solution until you find what works for your baby. -------------   
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Posted By: Maya
Date Posted: 12 February 2009 at 8:26pm
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I second noisybaby re: the hammock, lil miss suddenly developed a cot aversion at 3 weeks and screamed every time I put her in it but as soon as I got the hammock she slept beautifully. We had her in it till around 3 mths then transitioned to the cot with no major dramas.
I do agree with everyone else about 8 days being a bit young to try the tough love approach. With the gremlins, I was terrified of them developing bad sleep habits and pretty overwhelmed by them and I did leave them to cry for long periods of time in the belief that it would help them settle faster in the long term but all it did was make things more stressful and they are still shocking sleepers at 2 years old, Sienna in particular is terrified of being left alone/abandoned and I wonder if it's related to the early settling stuff. Lil miss has been worn/rocked/put in the hammock, heck she even spent 5 days sleeping in her capsule when all else failed but now we have no problems at all with her sleep/self settling. Experts seem to agree tahat babies don't form sleep associations/habits till around 4 months so anything you do right now such as rocking etc. won't neccessarily become a rod for your back later on, and if there's one thing I've learnt by baby #4 it's that if it works, do it! -------------  Maya Grace (28/02/03)
 (02/01/06)
The Gremlins:Sienna Marie & Mercedes Kailah (14/10/06)
Lil miss:Chiara Louise Chloe (09/07/08)
Her ladyship:Rosalia Sophie Anais (18/06/12)
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Posted By: Febgirl
Date Posted: 12 February 2009 at 8:31pm
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I think everyone has given great advice, just wanted to say hang in there, it will get better I promise! ------------- Two little girls under 2! 
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Posted By: blondy
Date Posted: 13 February 2009 at 8:06am
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I second what everyone else has said, but wanted to add - can you get someone to look after her between feeds, so you can have some timeout? (even if it means putting in earplugs, putting your head under the blankets and getting some sleep?)
good luck...as Febgirl said, it really will get better, and going on my experience, you won't even remember the first month! -------------  
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Posted By: james
Date Posted: 13 February 2009 at 10:02am
aww i know how u are feeling james screamed thur his frist 9 weeks and it was ture horrable big hugs hun i know its hard to belive but it will pass reach out for help if u need it and hang in there ------------- <a href="http://lilypie.com"><img src="http://b4.lilypie.com/nLJ5p13.png" alt="Lilypie 4th Birthday Ticker" border="0" /></a> |
Posted By: meow
Date Posted: 13 February 2009 at 10:09am
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Something I've discovered this time around is that your baby doesn't need to cry. Having another one to look after means we're constantly going out places - so baby has to fit in. She has been carried in slings/carriers (check out the ergo or a similar soft-structured carrier for best value for money) since day one. She doesn't really cry at all unless she's hungry or overtired.
Also - if she has reflux - being in an upright position as much as possible is the best thing for her. Most babies do spill - mine still does sometimes. It is normal. Doesn't necessarily mean reflux, so don't be too quick to start her on medicine. We never needed it, as she has mostly outgrown it now. Another thing is I found the first 3 months to be the worst in terms of sleeping. Really don't worry about a routine - just get her to have a sleep somehow, whether it be a hammock, baby bouncer, rocker, swing, pram. It doesn't matter if they sleep in their beds - infact, my 2nd never slept in her basinette during the day until she was 3 months. Try the dummy! It didn't work for us, as she kept spitting it out, but she found her thumb a few weeks later! ------------- http://lilypie.com"> 
http://lilypie.com"> 
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Posted By: meow
Date Posted: 13 February 2009 at 10:11am
Think back and see if there any songs you played quite regularly when you were pregnant! I came across a few that I must have played lots as bubs calmed right down when she heard them! Sometimes you need them at full volume too  ------------- http://lilypie.com">
http://lilypie.com">
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Posted By: pomikiwi
Date Posted: 13 February 2009 at 10:12am
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aw hun, it will get better! Hugs for you!
Is baby BF'ing? do you feed her one side or both at a feed? If baby is only getting the thirst quenching stuff it can give them bad tummy ache as they're not getting the good fatty hind milk. Even if she wakes for a feed 1 hour later, it's good to feed them on the same side again to get the good stuff! I personally don't see anything wrong in a baby having a little cry to sleep, but if she is constantly screaming she's obviously very distressed and needs comfort! ------------- http://lilypie.com">  
DD-Carys Amelia 17.03.06 |
Posted By: lisa85
Date Posted: 13 February 2009 at 10:31am
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Hey Dana Big hugs chic The first 6 weeks is definitly hard.
I never had screamers so I'm no font on wisdom on this subject. However I don't think they should start being left to cry it out untill they're a couple of months old. But I guess it depends if shes just having a little sad cry or a full on scream if shes just grizzling I don't see anything wrong with leaving her for a few minutes. I guess every Mum gets to know the bad gutwrenching cries from the pitiful cries. Have you tried a dummy? I never wanted to use one but with twins they have been lifesavers and we only give them to the girls in bed so they have turned into great sleep cues. I hope things get better soon chic. Those first few weeks really are rough but you'll get through it in no time flat -------------  
TTC #3 since Jan 2010 - PCOS MC April 2010 |
Posted By: lilfatty
Date Posted: 13 February 2009 at 10:53am
Gah .. I remember all too well but Im still doing it all over again lol  ------------- Mummy to Issy (3) and Elias (18 months) I did it .. 41 kgs gone! From flab to fab in under a year http://www.femininefitness.co.nz/category/blog - LFs weight blog
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Posted By: peanut butter
Date Posted: 13 February 2009 at 12:47pm
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Dana, do what you can to get her to sleep and yourself!!!! Dont worry about bad habits etc...you have plenty of time to sort that out. Right now you need rest and she needs sleep. Cuddle up with her in bed. I wish I could do that. Bloody hard with a toddler too. Hugs!!!! |
Posted By: flakesitchyfeet
Date Posted: 13 February 2009 at 1:24pm
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Ditto to all of the above.
I had a serverly colicy baby, (she never spilt, it was a huge novelty when she did!) and I rocked her to sleep in my arms, then stuck her in her bassinet with a raised mattress. I'm starting to work more with routine and going down awake, very slowly. As nzpiper said, there is plenty of time to work away bad habits later, do whatever gets you through the first 3 months now =) -------------  http://lilypie.com"> |
Posted By: cuppatea
Date Posted: 13 February 2009 at 1:33pm
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Just do what you need to do. Wear her in a sling, sleep her on your chest, take her out in the buggy, go for a drive, whatever you need to do. Don't worry about routines or any of that crap at the moment, plenty of time for that when you have some sleep and can see straight. Can you tag team with your DH? (or a friend of family member?) By that I mean you do one feed and then they do the next whilst you sleep through. And I mean sleep through, go to a different house if need be. Don't feel bad as someone else will be looking after her as it's just as important to look after yourself so you can care for her as it is to care for her. ------------- 
 
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Posted By: jaycee
Date Posted: 13 February 2009 at 2:13pm
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Hi Dana - . Amy was a screamer for the first 4 weeks so I totally understand how horrible it can be.
I seem to remember that you had a bit of a difficult birth (lurking in the Jan '09 thread  ). Have you thought about taking your wee girl to a cranial osteopath? It is not something that i had ever thought of until it was suggested to me for Amy and it was VERY helpful. She only had 3 sessions and stopped crying with in a day!
Also dummies are good a that age too. -------------   
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Posted By: Shezamumof3
Date Posted: 13 February 2009 at 2:46pm
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Caden was a bit of screamer in the first 2 weeks, and we just did whatever we could to calm him. It turns out he had colic but thankfully it only lasted a few weeks.
We never left him to scream, as a newborn always needs something, if he was grizling we would leave him to see what he'd do, and usually he would asleep as we did the self settling thing from the night we got home, but screaming is another story. Caden liked to be rocked and held close to us when he was unsettled, the hammock was good aswell as it cradled him nicely and he would settle sleeping in that. The first month is the hardest and like someone else said, a blurr lol. Just do whatever you can and dont worry about routine or any of that to start with. ------------- |
Posted By: Danaj
Date Posted: 13 February 2009 at 3:00pm
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See this is where it gets hard guys. So many different opinions of people who are obviously experienced and then places like Plunket are telling me the exact oposite. It's so confusing!
She's formula fed as my milk never came in (tried my best) and has only spilled once since birth. All clear from doc for ears, bowels, tummy etc. Please don't get me wrong, i'm not putting her down and letting her scream and scream for hours on end, I just couldn't do that to her. What i've been told is that the controled crying to help her learn to self settle is fine at her age but then people who have been through it with their own kids say she's too young. I have to admit, after another desperate night of crying/grizzling for 5 hours from 1am last night, I changed her, fed her, cuddled her and put her back to bed. I just had to as I was feeling like throwing up by this point (didn't realise I have double mastitis at that point). She cries for about two minutes, stops, cries again and really gets going for another two minutes. Then all is quite. I freak out of course and sneak in to make sure she is breathing. She is happy as larry, fast asleep and goes through till 8am. Today she has fed and gone down for each sleep with no problems. WHERE IS THE INSTRUCTION MANUAL!!!!!! ------------- http://www.TickerFactory.com/weight-loss/wyI1oWn/">
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Posted By: jaycee
Date Posted: 13 February 2009 at 3:13pm
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A manual would have been nice . I was too busy looking for the return to sender label . Another thing, is she well wrapped for sleeps? I was never good at that for Amy but bought a fitted/shaped wrap for Sophie and it was great. It calmed her right down and became a sleep signal.
Glad to hear she had some sleep last night (and you too). -------------
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Posted By: FreeSpirit
Date Posted: 13 February 2009 at 3:13pm
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Dana, you're doing a great job, things will get easier as she gets older. Just take 1 day at a time, (i'm sure the manual must say that they change what works every day just to keep you on your toes!) Are you using the 1 hour rule? Up, fed, cuddled, changed, played with and back to bed inside an hour. I used to set the kitchen timer as its very easy to lose track of time when you're sleep deprived, and 10minutes too late my daughter would become a screaming puking snotty heartbreaking nightmare. Once you recognise the tired signs it gets easier because you can see if she's ready for bed after 40minutes or an hour and a half. Until then use try using the rule, worked really well for me. ------------- http://www.babysfirstsite.com"> 
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Posted By: Danaj
Date Posted: 13 February 2009 at 3:27pm
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Yep, been wrapping her well. She hates having her arms wrapped so leave her hands free at the top but I swaddle the rest of her which she likes. It has been challenging as she was Ventouse and had a few problems settling on her back due to her sore head. She seems to prefer it on her side though so I picked up a wedge thingy to keep her safe.
It's pretty clear she is overtired and we haven't been recognising the signs. We've been over stimulating her trying to keep her happy when she should have been going back to bed. I think we may have a tough couple days teaching her that bed means bed but we should be right in a short while. Definately trying to stick to the 1 hour rule flutterby. Seems to work most of the early hour feeds except for last night. I think we just need to pay closer attention to her signals of when she is tired and put her down before things take a turn for the worst. ------------- http://www.TickerFactory.com/weight-loss/wyI1oWn/">
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Posted By: MummyFreckle
Date Posted: 13 February 2009 at 3:34pm
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Do you have a Plunket Family Centre in Palmy? I took Oli along at 3 weeks old and they were lifesavers for us.
------------- http://lilypie.com">  http://lilypie.com">
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Posted By: FreeSpirit
Date Posted: 13 February 2009 at 3:37pm
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Another sanity saver is after a feed in the evening, give her to hubby to care for for an hour, and go have a nap. At least then you'll have some rest under your belt if she has a bad night ( I've always done the night shift on my own as my partner works.) ------------- http://www.babysfirstsite.com">
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Posted By: james
Date Posted: 13 February 2009 at 3:56pm
sounds like you are doing a great job babys are hard i remeber sitting there thinging i never signed up for this lol big hugs hun it will get better ------------- <a href="http://lilypie.com"><img src="http://b4.lilypie.com/nLJ5p13.png" alt="Lilypie 4th Birthday Ticker" border="0" /></a> |
Posted By: HippyMama
Date Posted: 13 February 2009 at 5:09pm
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Dana - if she was a ventouse delivery I would strongly suggest taking her to a cranial osteopath that specialises in babies. There could be something out of alignment that is aggravating her and causing her to be more unsettled - which an osteo could easily fix. It isn't cheap, but definitely worth it! ------------- Mama to two earth walkers & two angels. Remember, you are not managing an inconvenience; You are raising a human being. ~ Kittie Franz Next Slingbabies! Meet - Friday 4th May !! |
Posted By: meow
Date Posted: 13 February 2009 at 7:49pm
It is confusing And I still feel like that at times - where is the manual 
Plunket can be quite old school and I remember as a first time mum following everything they said, sometimes even if I didn't feel it was right 
It took a few months for me to realise that I didn't have to do everything they said, and that was ok! You also don't have to tell them everything you are doing - just nod and smile
Another thing I've noticed - try putting her to bed before she shows tired signs. They seem to go to sleep easier that way. So if you're keeping her up for an hour at the moment, try 45 mins and see if she settles quicker. Hang in there! ------------- http://lilypie.com">
http://lilypie.com">
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Posted By: xox6Girls1Boyxox
Date Posted: 14 February 2009 at 7:29am
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Dana, Your doing a great job, I know there are times that you feel like things just arent going how they're supposed to and believe me I feel like that also and I've had 7 kids, but just perservere Hun and things will get better for you and your baby girl....Do try and get DH to take bub for a little while so you can have a rest coz a sleep deprived mummy and an overtired crying bubba doesnt make a very good combination....Take Care Hun xox ------------- http://www.bump-and-beyond.com/"> 
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Posted By: 2boysnbug
Date Posted: 18 February 2009 at 1:11pm
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you are darned if you do darned if you dont... what ever works best for you Dana, no one ever said that this parenting thing was easy but i you have to do something just so that you can eventually have a sane moment then go for it!... you can never please everyone. ------------- DS1 (20.11.06) 5 years DS2 (15.09.09) 2 years http://www.beginnerbaby.com/ticker/"> 
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Posted By: Bobbie
Date Posted: 18 February 2009 at 2:26pm
Dana sounds like you're doing a really great job - and poor you with Mastitis 
We spent so long on trying to get wind out of Rowan we never realised she was actually way over tired. It's things that your discover retrospectively. Yeah we're still waiting on the manual too - I had to laugh at the 'baby change' station just inside the doors of Nth Shore Hospital. Oh so tempting at times...... -------------
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