Am I being a wuss, selfish, unreasonable?
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Topic: Am I being a wuss, selfish, unreasonable?
Posted By: BeLoved
Subject: Am I being a wuss, selfish, unreasonable?
Date Posted: 25 February 2009 at 7:07am
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I will try and get this out without going on too much.
My DH plays professional sport and so therefore is away a lot. We have been together nearly 7 years and have spent a lot of this time apart, from a few nights apart on a regular basis to 5 months apart. During pregnancy he was overseas for 6 weeks in which time I ended up in hospital with ealry contractions at 28 weeks (all turned out okay) this may have something to do with my current anxiety. Yesterday DH was advised that he had been selected to play away in the South Island for the next 3-4 weeks and he leaves on Friday, he also is playing a 3 day game at present which means gone at 7 in the morning and home about 8 at night. So our DD will not see him really at all before he goes away and plus I wont really either, and added to this he has only just got back from being away. I am just feeling rather scared and alone at the thought of doing this all on my own, I do have family for support but its not the same as DH and I am just sick of being on my own all the time. All of my GF are living overseas and I dont have any friends here with children. I feel so bad that something that is so good for DH's career is making me so upset and also resentful that he gets to be away having fun (with his mates, eating out etc.) while I hold everything together back home. As I type this I know that there are plenty of single parents out there who do it on their own day in day out, how do they cope? Is there anyone out there who is in the same position as me where you have a "part time" DH/DP who has to go away all the time. How do you cope? I have cried quite a lot since finding out he is going and feel so bad that I have made DH feel bad for going, even though he knows how happy I am for him I know in some ways it must be harder for DH as he misses out on so much with DD and its hard to form a bond with her when he does not get to be with her much, this breaks my heart the most of all, as she only just starts to smile at him etc. then he is away again  I was so hoping to get one day together as a family where we could even just go for a 1/2 hour walk or do the grocery shopping together but this is impossible. I maybe able to go down south and stay with DH in a couple of weeks for a few nights with DD who will be 3 months at this stage but I am a little worried about flying/travelling on my own with such a little baby.
Sorry for the pity party but I just had to get this out. Thanks for listening/reading ------------- http://alterna-tickers.com"> 
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Replies:
Posted By: queenb
Date Posted: 25 February 2009 at 8:38am
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heidismum the fact you're feeling this way means that it means something to you, and that you are hurting, so it's definitely validated and justified. does your DH know how you feel? I understand you don't hate what he does, which i'm sure is his passion, just the time away from you that comes with it.
I reckon go for it and go down south and stay with him for a few nights. I'm sure Heidi would love the new scenery, even at her young age, and of course the chance to bond more with her daddy. My DH isn't a professional athlete, however his work takes him away from home 15hrs + a day, starting at 2am in the morning, so I totally get where you're coming from. I am worried that he won't be able to bond with our lil one due to not being around as much. I actually told him I was lonely the other day and he honestly had no idea, so he took the day off and we just did normal things together. it was bliss. I do have close friends though who will be my support once peanut arrives soon. If you're in Auckland central, PM me if you would like to chat over coffee 
BIG HUGS coming your way  ------------- http://lilypie.com"> 
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Posted By: lisa85
Date Posted: 25 February 2009 at 8:56am
I vote for packing up bubs and staying with him  Trust me 2 months is the perfect age for travelling because all they do is sleep and eat and minimal play. You don't have to worry about a crawling baby trying to get into everything. Or a screaming baby wanting attention while your driving she'll sleep the whole way. Seriously they only get harder to travel with as they get older. So do it!
I know this isn't quite the same but because we have 2 Jess has to work long hours he does 12-13 hours days and often 6 days a week so by the time he gets home the girls are normally in bed  Its so hard on him because he loves the girls so much and is such a hands on Dad. It breaks my heart. Why can't we just win lotto!?!?!-------------  
TTC #3 since Jan 2010 - PCOS MC April 2010 |
Posted By: fire_engine
Date Posted: 25 February 2009 at 9:00am
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Oh you poor thing. I don't think you're over-reacting - it is damned hard work looking after a baby and you need all the support you can get. I would definitely encourage you to go to the SI for a few days - it will get you out of the house, you'll get to see DH .. Flying isn't too bad - I've done it a number of times by myself and while it isn't fun, it's never as bad as I think it will be! Is it possible to book out some dates as a family - even a half hour walk on the weekend? Being envious of his time out with his mates is completely normal - when I was BF, even though I didn't really have anyone to go with, I just wanted the choice of being able to go out by myself. I'm like you, I have no idea how single mums do it. My DH is great, but him going out for the evening is hard enough, let alone for a few days or weeks. ------------- Mum to two wee boys |
Posted By: caliandjack
Date Posted: 25 February 2009 at 10:12am
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Heidismum why don't you come join us in the Military wives and families thread, our husbands/partners are away a lot and there are a number of mums doing it on their own when their hubbies are away. Are any of the other players Dads? How do their wives get on? Are you able to meet up with them? ------------- http://lilypie.com" rel="nofollow">   [/url] Angel June 2012 |
Posted By: my2angels
Date Posted: 25 February 2009 at 10:31am
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If he is playing top grade professional sport Im guessing when they go away they probably dont wouldnt get a lot of time to see you even if you did go and you would probably end up in unfamiliar surroundings with a newborn.
Its such a hard one though isnt it, my hubby plays a lot of cricket, not professional and doesnt go away but he is away a lot of the week and if i complain I get the 'but its something I love' blah blah blah and then I feel guilty for trying to stop him but there has to be a point where family comes first. Is your hubby at all coming to the end of his sporting career so there might be an end in sight? There is a lady at my daycare whos husband plays a professional sport and she has 3 kids, one a baby and I often wonder how the hell she does it! I dont think your being selfish but I think there probably isnt a lot you can do unless you are prepared to ask him to give up something he has worked so hard for. Plus at least with sports they cant do it forever, we all get old and it will be his loss because he cant get back this time with his daughter. |
Posted By: Snappy
Date Posted: 25 February 2009 at 12:40pm
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I really feel for you. It really is hard because hes doing something he loves. The way you are feeling is completely understandable. I dont really know what to say, My DH works a lot, 15 hour days and usually its 7 days in a row. He also works night shifts so I am sleeping alone. When he is home he is sleeping or resting. I get really angry at him, even though he is working to provide for his family,
Does he get holidays or time off? ------------- Mummy to two beauties... Formerly Kaiz. |
Posted By: emz
Date Posted: 25 February 2009 at 3:09pm
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Oh hun you aren't being unreasonable in your feelings. I married an army man and he's generally away half of the year, been overseas 3 times (for long periods of time) in the last 5 years and it does take its toll. But then I remember that I married him knowing that, and knowing that life was going to be hard, and unfortunately reality is that we have to do it solo a lot of the time.
If I was you and there was the option of heading down south for a few days to spend some time together I would do it. Young babies are easy as to travel with compared with older ones so if there's nothing else holding you back, I would do it. |
Posted By: pomikiwi
Date Posted: 25 February 2009 at 3:23pm
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I'd go with him, change of scenery for you guys even if he's working.
I'd be anxious too with a little baby, hun. HUGS xx ------------- http://lilypie.com">  
DD-Carys Amelia 17.03.06 |
Posted By: hannibal
Date Posted: 25 February 2009 at 5:00pm
| I feel for you - hubby works 7 days a week (he is self employed) and it's not much fun at all we aren't from the place we are living so I find it quite hard going at times - I absoutely have no one here to help out with bubs but I just get on and do it - and with the dreaded return to work I am really cherishing all the special time I am having by myself with bubs!!! I'm with the others pack up and get a change of scenary - get out there and have a fun time away - it might be just what you need. |
Posted By: busymum
Date Posted: 25 February 2009 at 7:15pm
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ooo 3-4 weeks will feel like a long time. Two years ago my DH went away (for work) for 5 days, again to the South Island, and it was our first real time apart since getting married. It was hard but somehow I felt like a stronger woman for making it through that! Put away some freezer meals for days when you really can't be bothered, don't worry so much about the housework because you'll be doing more parenting, and see if you can arrange with a friend to have your kid over for the afternoon every now and then and you have hers over another day.
One thing that really helped me get through that time, as well as prepare for it, was making up a surprise going away for DH. It had little photos of us in it and heaps of little snippets of what I love about him, etc. You might need to do weekly, but with him away 5 days I was able to package up an envelope for each day. When he was away, me knowing what packs he was opening each day helped me feel closer to him as well. -------------  |
Posted By: BeLoved
Date Posted: 26 February 2009 at 8:37am
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Thanks for all your replies everyone. DH knows and understands how I feel so that makes it a lot easier. I am going to put a little album together of photos of Heidi and me for him to take with him and I am looking into going to the S.I if it can be arranged with team management, little freaked about taking Heidi on a plane though and all the stuff I would have to take with us eeeeeeekkkkk! How do you do it? ------------- http://alterna-tickers.com">
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Posted By: myfullhouse
Date Posted: 26 February 2009 at 1:10pm
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I haven't travelled with a little one but I would think that the airline staff will be very helpful with getting you and Heidi onto the plane with all your gear. ------------- Lindsey 
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Posted By: mrshouse
Date Posted: 26 February 2009 at 1:42pm
big hugs to you! and its great that DH is being supportive and understanding of your feelings....and its totally understandable the way you feel.....not many women could do what you do so you should be very proud of how strong you are.....the airlines are great- they may even have a little capsule thingee where you can put heidi.... ------------- http://www.baby-gaga.com/"> 
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Posted By: fire_engine
Date Posted: 26 February 2009 at 3:17pm
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Uh, beg to differ on airlines. I've found them pretty rubbish, having flown with all of them at least twice by myself with Daniel, so just speaking from my experience. Pick a time to fly that is a quieter time of day. When you book, try and do seat request - on Qantas, the front two rows are the old business class and have more room. Otherwise, I recommend an aisle seat. Having a dummy or bottle at hand is helpful. Feed at takeoff and from the middle of the flight - the ears start popping as the plane starts its descent (which is usually about midway through the flight). I now find it easier to board last - no getting up and down for the others in your row. Get to the airport with heaps of time to spare. And if all else fails, cry at the checkin counter. Air NZ in Auckland and Pacific Blue in Auckland were good but their Chch counterparts were appalling. Anyway, that's my 2 cents worth! ------------- Mum to two wee boys |
Posted By: Chickaboo
Date Posted: 26 February 2009 at 5:34pm
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I travelled all the way to the Uk with baby when he was 4 months old - yes i had dh but might as well of just been me - LOL he was too interested int he movies.
Flying with baby that age is a peice of cake.. so don't let that put you off. Domestically they don't normally put kids and babies on first - everyone normally boards together (in my experience anyhow) feel for you on the time thing. Just this summer (second half) dh has stopped playing cricket all day on a saturday because we never got family day - we are busy renovating our house (outside) and so all day sunday was on that -him outside me inside - so I said cricket had to give! mainly also cause my dh has a job that sees him not home till 6.30pm most nights and Rhyley is in bed at 7pm so he hardly spent time with him. Not much advise but just saying I know how hard it can be and my DH isn't rprofessional! ------------- http://lilypie.com">  
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Posted By: kellie
Date Posted: 26 February 2009 at 11:45pm
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I know how you feel.
DH has been on ACC since May last year but will be going back to work in a month or 2 and I am dreading it. He works on deepsea fishing boats and goes away for about 10 days at a time. No ph reception out there either :( ------------- 
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Posted By: LadyLizard
Date Posted: 28 February 2009 at 7:24am
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Heidismum, I don't think you are being a selfish unreasonable wuss at ALL!
What you are feeling is totally natural, and I really admire you for getting through it as I know I would find it really really hard. You guys should try to make time to do something as a family when he is home, even if its just going for a coffee! And I don't think going to the SI is a bad idea- change of scene for you. Good luck ------------- http://www.alterna-tickers.com"> 
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Posted By: mummy_becks
Date Posted: 28 February 2009 at 2:22pm
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Flying with a baby at that age is so much easier than flying when they are 18 months. When you check in they can usually give you the whole row to yourself. We took Andrew on the plane for the first time when he was 3 months old and we got to take his capsule on with us and that way we have the extra seat in the row for him. As for being apart, I am strange but I love it as I love the reunion. I did the first 6 months of last year alone when DH was in Waiouru and we were in Palmy. We were able to move up here but even still he was away so much. Can I ask what sport does he play??? ------------- I was a puree feeder, forward facing, cot sleeping, pram pushing kind of Mum... and my kids survived! |
Posted By: cat007
Date Posted: 28 February 2009 at 5:05pm
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I have done a lot of flying domestically with the kids. It isnt too bad with one at all. A couple of suggestions:
Take a dummy - its a lifesaver if bubs wont feed. Take an extra bottle if formula feeding. Take an extra cuddly - incase of delays or in SI - bad weather. Take 2 extra changes of clothes for bubs. I suggest taking your nappy change bag as your hand luggage with all your items for bubs in it and just your flight info, wallet and phone of yours. It really is quite easy - the airline staff will give you a seatbelt for your bubs to sit on your lap and you just give bubs lots of cuddles. I am never in a hurry to get off the plane as soon as it lands - saves you standing for ages holding everything. There are change tables in one of the toilets on the plane for any accidents - you probably wont fit you, bubs and your nappy bag in the cubicle though so just carry the clean nappy, changemat and wipes and nothing extra. All else can be done at your seat. Whatever you need - dont try to cope on your own. The airline staff will help you - just ask them. Ive never met a bad one yet. I also carried a bottle of formula just incase bubs needed it even though I was breastfeeding. I used it when we were coming down for landing to get bubs to suck on something to relieve the pressure in their ears so as not to get sore ears. Otherwise just feed them as normal. Oh - and cabin staff can easily heat up bottles for you - just ask them. All the best. You should definatley go down to be with your DH! ------------- http://lilypie.com">  [/url http://lilypie.com">
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Posted By: jazzy
Date Posted: 28 February 2009 at 7:35pm
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Some planes have a bassinet available, so ask for that, & I am sure they will fuss also.
If it means spending time with DH then go, if poss get into a habit of following him around, do it while baby is little. For times when you are stuck at home alone, get a hobby, or a good book, do stuff you can't really do when he is there, take advantage of help, & join a coffee group, you will meet mums & make friends. But most of all look after yourself & treat yourself
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Posted By: peanut butter
Date Posted: 28 February 2009 at 8:00pm
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Flying at that age is really simple!!!! As others have said, feed or dummy on tak off or landing (Tom was always an impatient sod and would feed before take off....but dummy helped). Have spare dummy and everything you need to reach in a little bag that you can shove in seat pocket as once bubs is on your lap its really hard to reach a bag under your seat. Book a seat near the front of the plane and then when they board from the back, go up and board too. They will let you and it means you have more time. For this reason I felt window seats better. Aisle seats do have the advantage of quicker access to loo though.
I found staff generally helpful and some gave me a blanket to rest bub's head on. Generally Tom slept through flights at that age.
Front pack makes getting around airport easy.
Thats all I can remember.
I have to travel with 2 of them on my own in a couple of months...eek! |
Posted By: ClareB
Date Posted: 02 March 2009 at 2:10pm
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Heidismum, to you and it's good to let it out, My Dh and I have spent time apart and it sucks! Taking the trip down to the SI is a great idea. With work sending him away for a min of 4 months from I'm going with I'm pretty happy that it was possable, I wis you the best with the trip to the SI
------------- http://lilypie.com"> 
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