What to do.... need advice
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Topic: What to do.... need advice
Posted By: Known2u
Subject: What to do.... need advice
Date Posted: 03 March 2009 at 8:04am
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My DF and i have been together for 6 years, engaged for 3 and finally getting married in August this year.
Lately I have been having my doubts. I do love him and I think I want to marry him. We have two kids 2 year old and 5 month old. He is really good with them at times other times I am just a single mum (even though he is sitting on the couch in the same room). He can get rough (not too rough though) with our oldest but never hurts him and he says things like "i'll smash you" or call him "fu**n c**t" (all his family do it to their kids to so I am guessing that is how it is) I know that he would never actually hurt them (I think) but he has a very very short fuse and sometime I wonder if he really wants to be here. The other thing is that he finds girls numbers on the internet and texts him. I found one about a month ago which he emailed someone asking for their number so they could "get dirty some time". I don't think he has ever cheated on me because he doesn't really go out. This is about the 6th time it has happened since we have been together and last night I found that he has looked up one of his ex's numbers (he was texting her crap like this about a year ago). I don't know what to do - there are days when I just want to leave and then there are days when everything is perfect and we are happy. I don't want my kids to be bought up being told things like they are not good enough or the like. I guess I don't really think I have a good reason for leaving which is what is pulling me back. I don't really have any close friends I can talk to about this except my mum but am really not sure I want to envlove her. Also I know she will start packing my bags for me. Any thoughts???? I need advice. (I have been a member on here for a while now but I know that family do visit so have got new profile) |
Replies:
Posted By: Aquarius
Date Posted: 03 March 2009 at 8:28am
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hey there girl...
these things are obviously a problem to you and i can tell you are trying to justify his actions and just move on to be a happy family, but i dont think the out come is gonna be good. alot of your story maybe okay for some but what struck me as a warning sign was him verbally abusing them. hey roughing them up is okay most guys do it and i think it is part of being a dad BUT names like that is shocking and over time will effect them. the texting other girls and that is also not on. some girls may handle it but honestly i think it isnt sitting right with you and u should trust your instincts...if keeping your family unit together is what is important then at least put off the wedding because i think your guy is gonna mess things up all on his own and you can walk away with your head held high...good luck ------------- http://www.magicalkingdoms.com/timers/"> 
mum to mr 16 & mr 10 |
Posted By: BugTeeny
Date Posted: 03 March 2009 at 8:53am
Personally, I think your post outlines about 3 reasons to leave 
First of all, there's no excuse to abuse your kids, physically or verbally. Even if it was the "done thing" in his family - the cycle has to stop somewhere. As for the cheating, I feel that he's showing the first dangerous signs of it by just texting these girls suggestively. I don't mean to sound harsh - I'm just worried! You're obviously aware that your Mum is unhappy that you're in that situation if you know she'll pack your bags as soon as you give her the word. Have you spoken to him about the language he uses? Or confronted him about the texting? Perhaps some counselling? It's a good thing to do before getting married, regardless of the situation - just to make sure you're both on the same level. 
I hope you can sort things out. ------------- 
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Known2u wrote:Posted By: clover
Date Posted: 03 March 2009 at 9:06am
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I agree with MamaPickle,
You've clearly got some serious doubts, so I don't think you should be marrying him anytime soon. I'm not saying leave him, as many of the things you've mentioned could be worked on and changed but nobody should go into marriage with doubts like yours. |
Posted By: Known2u
Date Posted: 03 March 2009 at 9:24am
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Aquarius - I think you hit the nail on the head
Yes I have you spoken to him about the language he uses and it stops for a day or two then starts again. I have confronted him about the texting everytime and he always changes onto something else like deletes the number and then comes to me and "commits" like setting the wedding date - tries to move past it but in a few months it will start again. I wouldn't even bother suggesting the counselling because he won't do it. |
Posted By: my2angels
Date Posted: 03 March 2009 at 9:41am
| Why would you stay with someone who treats your kids like that. its totally not acceptable. Im sorry cos Im sure you love him and everything but your kids need to come first, its your job to protect them and letting someone verbally abuse them is not right not right, you kids are going to grow up with some serious issues if you dont put a stop to this. You do have reason to leave him and if I was you I would go now while your kids are still to young to remember all this. I was brought up in a violent home both physical and mental and I will never let that happen with my children no matter how much I love my husband.....and as for the cheating..I think you would be surprised at how men find ways to cheat when you think they dont have the time....not saying he definatley has but dont fool yourself into thinking he wouldnt have time to. Sorry this probably sounds pretty harsh but it kind of sounds like its time to wake up and take action before its to late. |
Posted By: Snappy
Date Posted: 03 March 2009 at 9:50am
 IF my DH texted THAT to someone on the internet he'd be out the door in a heartbeat!
If you are having doubts I would certainly hold off on the wedding. I really feel for you. Im sorry to say but it seems like things can only get worse before they get better, and something needs to happen. Maybe talk to him and tell him how you are feeling and your doubts about the wedding, and suggest counsilling? ------------- Mummy to two beauties... Formerly Kaiz. |
Posted By: Known2u
Date Posted: 03 March 2009 at 10:07am
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I think i know that i do have to leave... just don't know what to do or where to start.
I always said that too Kaiz231.... but then I did the this will be the last time, if it happens again i will leave. (Yip I have threatened before) but it was the last time about 3 times ago.... I guess he thinks it was an empty threat so it isn't going to stop him. I just want the best for my kids and I don't really want to think/admit that the best is without their dad 
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Posted By: CuriousG
Date Posted: 03 March 2009 at 10:09am
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I would never ever put up with DH being rough with my children and calling them a f-in c*nt. That is just so wrong on so many levels and its setting up your child to do the same to their children in the future.
Deep down I think you actually do know what you need to do. Your post clearly outlines some very very valid reasons for leaving. ETA: There is a guy here that cheats. He does it at work, in the bathroom or a patch room. Where there is a will there is a way. Sorry chick. ------------- http://lilypie.com"> 
http://lilypie.com"> 
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Posted By: Lulu
Date Posted: 03 March 2009 at 10:16am
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I am sorry to be blunt, but honestly if you marry this man you are making a huge mistake. Is this the type of Husband you think you deserve? ------------- Lou http://www.babysfirstsite.com"> 
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Posted By: Bobbie
Date Posted: 03 March 2009 at 10:19am
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I agree. Texting is cheating anyway IMO - you don't have to be physical to cheat. It's the intent and like the others said he probably is getting physical as well or will do that shortly anyway.
The verbal abuse is not on short fuse or not. The fact that you know your mother would pack your bags for you if you told her makes me think you already know the answer but just in case - Definitely get out. He's not worth it and definitely not husband material. ETA: Just think of it this way - would you want your children growing up to emulate him when they're adults? -------------  
 
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Posted By: M2K
Date Posted: 03 March 2009 at 10:32am
I agree, it all starts somewhere, and if he was doing this 3 years ago also, he will probably still be doing it in 3 years time :( As for the name calling a 2 year old will repeat those same words.. If you do leave him, then don't be afraid of your kids not having him in their lifes, as it will be up to him to hold repsonsibility and look after his children also. But he seriously needs a wake up call, that you won't be treated this way. ------------- 
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Posted By: emz
Date Posted: 03 March 2009 at 10:37am
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That is disgusting behaviour and I think you should be out of there already. There is no excuse for that sort of language towards a child, and the behaviour in your relationship. And yep, guys will cheat anywhere. We have a couple (married) at work and it still didn't stop the guy cheating with his secretary Sorry hun but you need to get some courage and do what's right for your kids.
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Posted By: T_Rex
Date Posted: 03 March 2009 at 10:38am
Maybe you could start with a phonecall to your mum? It will be hard, but I think you could use someone to support you right now.
A friend of mine recently split with her new husband after 3 months of marriage. She said as she was going through a divorce at 26, that she'd had doubts before the wedding, and thought about calling it off. But she hadn't because it seemed like it would be the hardest thing in the world to call it off. Now she realises it would have been *easy* compared to going through a divorce. ------------- http://lilypie.com">  http://lilypie.com">
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Posted By: EmDee
Date Posted: 03 March 2009 at 10:43am
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I don't have anything to add as from your last post it looks like you know what needs to happen.
I can't imagine it will be an easy thing to do, but good on you for asking for advice and I definitely think you need someone 'in real life' for support. You know your mum will be there for you, so go to her. All the best hun ------------- DS 8 DD 6 DS 4 DD 2 |
Posted By: BuzzyBee
Date Posted: 03 March 2009 at 10:54am
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I personally wouldn't stand for any of that crap, and yep I agree with the gals - to you it may just be him texting other females ...but that is just as good as cheating and there's no guarantee he's not getting his freak on when he's not at home.
I started dating a guy that worked a couple shops up from where i was working. He seemed perfect, said all the right things, even took me out a couple nights and managed to treat me like a proper gf during weekdays and our lunch breaks (would hold my hand, public displays of affection etc etc). Unbeknownst to me at the time he actually had a fiance and a 7 week old baby at home, i was not the first girl he'd cheated with - at the same time he had been conversing with a girl from America whom he had apparently planned to pay for to come over here to be with him! He was also 6 years older than what he lead me to believe (which would have made him 10 years older than me at the time) How I found out? I picked up on the diff times he'd text, I'd never get replies at night when he was home with his family, I talked to someone and quizzed a few people at his work who told me he had a family at home. I broke the cycle, I tracked down and contacted his fiance and she worked up the courage to leave him (same situation as you, she'd found all the texts and emails, just needed to hear it from someone else), best thing she has ever done (we started talking and I eventually met her and their gorgeous daughter, she was great support when I later found out I was pregnant). She is coping perfectly fine as a single mother, infact I think she is AMAZING! You know what you have to do, definitely tell someone close to you ...you'll need their support every step of the way. You deserve much better, I'd never let a man treat my kids or speak to them that way - definitely not acceptable on ANY level. ------------- Single Mum to a darling wee boy of 3 years :) |
Posted By: TraceyA
Date Posted: 03 March 2009 at 11:08am
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You've said your DF wouldn't go to counseling but I think that you should. I think you need to sit down with someone and talk about everything that has happened, is happening and your current future plans. I think this will help solidify and validate the need to either get your DF to commit to some personal growth or for you to cut your losses.
There is obviously something not right here for both of you, he doesn't sound like the type of guy who can dig deep enough within himself to really work out the issues so if he wont get counseling then you need to really say I love you but goodbye. Talking to your mum on the phone and just laying a few things out for her, telling her your not happy, telling her that you think you would like to at least postpone the wedding is all going to help you. Mum's can surprise us sometimes with the knowledge and help they can offer. Good luck. ------------- TTC #2 |
Posted By: jazzy
Date Posted: 03 March 2009 at 11:09am
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Known2u, its not a nice position for you to be in.
As mothers it is our responsible to make sure our children are brought up in a safe environment, free from physical & verbal abuse. I class what he is doing with other woman cheating, & he does not care that you know. You need to make a decision, so ask yourself do your kids deserve better? Do you deserve better? I think you do. You need to talk to someone, try CAB they will be able to put you in contact with people that can help. Don't wait till his verbal abuse turns into violence or wait till you catch something nasty of his other woman. Don't waste a good wedding on him, the right man for you will be out there. Good luck to you and your litties. |
Posted By: .Mel
Date Posted: 03 March 2009 at 11:19am
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You need to leave. I was in a relationship for 4 very long years where he physically/mentally/emotionally/verbally/ abused us. Every time he did it he would say sorry and things would go back to being dreamy and wonderful.. then it would start again... and it was a stupid farked up circle. I'd leave and go back and he'd be dreamy and wonderful and I'd go back... I think you get the picture! Anyway how did I get out - he died. Not that I'm saying thats what needs to happen for you, but I think he died to save us.
So the outcome of this was that Conor had to have counselling, right up until last year!!! (Conor was 1 to 4years old during this time!!) So what I'm trying to say is this treatment of your children is going to effect them more than you will ever realise and whether its today or a few years down the track, it will come back and haunt them and you. For their sake you need to either - make it known to him firmly that his behaviour is totally unacceptable and if it continues you will be leaving with the children. Or leave now. ------------- Mr Mellow (16) Miss Attitude (8) Destructa Kid (3) 
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Posted By: noisybaby
Date Posted: 03 March 2009 at 11:21am
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I've learnt from experience that if your parents don't like your partner then Its a sign it probably won't work.
I wouldn't stand for the nasty name calling or bad language. Abuse, verbal or physical, is never acceptable. I was verbally abused as a child and It still sticks with me now. I turned to drugs and alcohol to help heal (now I know it dosen't work) and I don't think you are wanting that for your wee ones. Deep down I think you know whats best for your family. What everyone has said is valid. Can you have a talk to a councellor? If anything hold off on the wedding for the mean time until you make your mind up. It's easier to leave now then when your married. |
Posted By: Parki
Date Posted: 03 March 2009 at 11:24am
Completely agree. 100%. Do not marry him - I think from your post you know thats the right decision.... If not for you, for your children. |
Posted By: busyissy
Date Posted: 03 March 2009 at 12:21pm
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I would usually be very reticent about giving relationship advise but I think you need to leave this man. And I think that you know that yourself, really you are looking for people to validate your decision as you have already outlined several very good reasons for leaving. Just the fact that he talks to your children in that way is reason enough to leave even without the emotional abuse he hands out to you with his text cheating.
He is an emotionally and verbally abusive man. You and your children do not deserve this treatment. To stay in this relationship would cause lifelong emotional and psychological problems for your children. It sounds like you have a very supportive and loving mum I would ring her, tell her what is happening and move out. It may be that he has the ability to change but I think that staying and waiting for that change would be a mistake. Make your leaving be the catalyst for him to change his behaviour, if he can do it then maybe give him another chance. If he can't then you and your children will be safe from his abuse and quite frankly better off without him. You deserve better |
Posted By: arohanui
Date Posted: 03 March 2009 at 12:52pm
Oh honey  You know you can't marry this man. Marriage is a huge commitment and I think you know it doesn't feel right... I think maybe you're just scared of the alternative, which is being a single mum.... ? Do you think you could be married to this man for the rest of your life, and honestly be happy? If not, don't do it.
Verbal abuse is abuse, plain and simple. It's as bad, if not worse, than physical abuse. You need to protect your kids, and I don't think it's healthy for them to be around that type of 'role modeling' all the time. And the texting? Boy oh boy, I'd certainly consider that cheating. That type of suggestive language and stuff. You must be one strong lady to deal with all that It just shows that by coping with what you have so far, you would have the strength to leave the unhealthy relationship with your DF. You and your children do not deserve to be treated like this ------------- Mama to DS1 (5 years), DS2 (3 years) and... http://alterna-tickers.com" rel="nofollow"> 
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Posted By: LadyLizard
Date Posted: 03 March 2009 at 2:57pm
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I am going to jump on the bandwagon and agree with everyone else here. I also think you have several reasons to leave.
If your partner isn't prepared to go to marriage counseling to ensure you have the best chance at a good marriage, then he isn't committed enough to your relationship to make it work. If he really wanted to marry you and make a good go of it, he would do anything to make it happen, and if that "anything" was counseling, then he should be prepared to do it. Marriage doesn't solve problems- it makes them worse. So you really need to deal with any doubts beforehand. I agree that the verbal abuse he subjects your kids to is not on. Next thing you know you will be getting called in to school because your 5yo has called a kid at school c**t thinking its acceptable behaviour.
I would not tolerate that from my H. Nor would I tolerate any kind of texting to another woman ESPECIALLY not in the suggestive manner that your partner has done. I know its hard and potentially scary, and he IS the father of your kids, and you have some big decisions to face. I wish you the best of luck and really hope things work out for you. Don't forget- while you are with someone who treats you badly, you are keeping the door closed to that someone who may treat you like a princess. ------------- http://www.alterna-tickers.com"> 
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Posted By: my4beauties
Date Posted: 03 March 2009 at 3:08pm
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Hun, everyone's pretty much said it all, and I agree with them.
But i did want to say that if a stranger walked up to your 2 yr old child and called then a f**kn c**t then you WOULDN'T accept it, and it is not acceptable of your childrens father to speak in that language to them!
I hope you get the strength and courage to get out while you can. ------------- My babies: R (9),G (7), J (5) http://lilypie.com" rel="nofollow"> 
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Posted By: ellen
Date Posted: 03 March 2009 at 6:19pm
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You have TWO FANTASTIC reasons to make changes in your life:
1. A 2yr old boy 2. A 5mnth old baby There's an old saying "give me the boy till he's 7 and I'll show you the man" - something like that? So their influences now can affect how they turn out. Good luck! |
Posted By: Known2u
Date Posted: 04 March 2009 at 10:54am
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So how do I leave???
I work and my mum looks after the kids but I don't earn enough to live on or pay a bond to get into another house. I could live with my parents but don't really want to because that could be too much for them... |
Posted By: BugTeeny
Date Posted: 04 March 2009 at 11:33am
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I don't think it would be too much for them at all.
If it means you and your kids are safe, they'll do whatever they can in their power to help. Even if it's only temporary until you can get together enough money for a bond. Research all the benefits that are available to you. and talk to a lawyer/citizen's advice bureau/IRD regarding the child maintenance payments you're entitled to. At the risk of sounding like a cheerleader; You can do it 
Good luck! -------------
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Posted By: Shezamumof3
Date Posted: 04 March 2009 at 11:49am
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If my DF called our son a F*** C*** he would be out on his ass in a heartbeat.
I agree with mamapickles post, you have listed a lot of reason to leave. Dont put up with that crap hun, its abuse even if there is no actual hitting. ------------- |
Posted By: jazzy
Date Posted: 04 March 2009 at 12:23pm
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We all agree you have to leave, even you agree you have to leave, so need to sugar coat things.
Don't use money & excuses stop you doing the right thing for your children. There are so many places out there that can help you, but you have to contact them, make the first move. As said before verbal abuse can be just as harmful as physical abuse. Don't wait till it turns in to that. You have the chance to leave do it before something happens & you are left with regret. |
Posted By: M2K
Date Posted: 04 March 2009 at 12:45pm
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I would probably move in with mum as a temporary solution (for safety and also it would be an easier transition for children, plus you will have mum to ) and then seek what kind of benefits, assistance I could get... if I were in that situation...
I know its easier said than done, its a very emotional time for you right now, I am hoping your partner will be fairly understanding and won't stand in your way, if you choose to do this, but I was actually wondering if thats the reason why you are finding it hard to leave to you, I hope you find the happiness you deserve
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Posted By: T_Rex
Date Posted: 04 March 2009 at 1:19pm
If one of your kids came to you in 25 years time, and said they were in the situation that you are in now, what would you do? Talk to your parents ok? ------------- http://lilypie.com"> http://lilypie.com">
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Posted By: busyissy
Date Posted: 04 March 2009 at 1:36pm
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Talk to your parents, together you will be able to work something out. It would be a temporary situation if you moved into your parents house and might give you the opportunity to save for bond. Even go and talk to WINZ they might be able to help you out with a temporary loan for a bond.
Where there is a will there is a way. Its scary but you have proved you are a strong women by living in the situation you are in, you can do this.
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Posted By: lizzle
Date Posted: 04 March 2009 at 4:15pm
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set up a bank account - a separate one - and start squirriling some money away. keep the bank information at your parents house and give the bank their address. go to WINZ and make an apopintment ASAP - they often can't fit you in for a while.
and talk to your paretns. You say it might be too much for them, but honestly, i think what wuld be too much is for them to find out what is going on, and that you didn't immmediately come to them. I'm sure they will help you as much as they can. (but if your parents are like mine - make it temporary for everyone's sanity) WINZ can probably help you out with accomodation - housingnz or something. you should get a fair amount for DPB and child support. i won't lie and say it will be easy, but I would imagine that being by yourself will be a lot easier that sitting waiting for him to leave - which is what you will be doing for the five years until he does. to me, you know you need to go, but need a push. good luck! |
Posted By: Bobbie
Date Posted: 04 March 2009 at 5:47pm
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Also call Women's refuge. You don't have to be beaten to a pulp to access their services. They'll have great advice about how to make the break. -------------
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Posted By: FionaO
Date Posted: 04 March 2009 at 6:14pm
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I just want to offer some huge
I would talk to your mum first, make a time when you can be without the kids and just really talk, and perhaps between you make a plan about what you are going to do. It will be hard for a period of time, but you will be able to look back at some point with huge relief that you did it. Bobbie - makes a good point too, womens rufuge are awesome and will have loads of good info. Again I would say give them a call and then since you sound like you are close to your mum work it through with her, it may be for a short period you do live with her, but if you have a plan you know what you will be working towards and it will seem easier. ------------- 
]  [/URL]
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Posted By: busymum
Date Posted: 04 March 2009 at 7:16pm
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Tricky situation but you're already in it by virtue of having kids with him... why don't you guys go get some good pre-marital counselling? It can be organised through most counsellors and/or churches. Even if it costs you some $$, it would be money well spent. -------------  |
Posted By: lisa85
Date Posted: 04 March 2009 at 7:38pm
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I guess no-one can truly know your position better than you. Because none of us can really understand what goes on behind closed doors for any couple. Everyone I know see's my man different to what I see. But from an objective outsiders perspective I see a lot of red flags in your post. You obviously know in your heart that you could do better for yourself and your kids otherwise you wouldn't have posted this. No matter how much you have been through together and how much you love him you have to put your kids first and often that means leaving over staying. I've been in a rough relationship and we were horrible together emotionally and physically abusive. Luckily we split and years down the track we discover we make fantastic friends (because we went through so much together) but a destructive couple. Now I have Jess who's sweet and caring and the best Dad in the world.
There are so many women out their doing better on their own don't be afraid to be one of them if you have to. Your kids will always have their Dad but if your unhappy they will pick up on that quicker than you can imagine and I'm sure that's the last thing you want for them. This guy doesn't sound like he's helping you grow as a person in any way. You have more than enough reasons to move on and become the best Mum and woman you can be. Don't be too afraid to take the step because every broken relationship I know the woman always comes out better, stronger and gets the life she deserves where as every man I know from a broken relationship tends to stay the same. Be strong  -------------  
TTC #3 since Jan 2010 - PCOS MC April 2010 |
Posted By: lisa85
Date Posted: 04 March 2009 at 7:40pm
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By the way talk to your parents!!!!
Think about how much love you have for your kids because they feel the same for you and their grandchildren. -------------
TTC #3 since Jan 2010 - PCOS MC April 2010 |
Posted By: Maya
Date Posted: 04 March 2009 at 8:11pm
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I don't have much to add, but I just wanted to give my perspective having been in a similar situation.
Your DF sounds a lot like my Willie in the way he talks, Willie often swears at/around the kids, not in a nasty or abusive way but rather in the kind of way that someone who has spent the last 40-odd years of his life talking that way does. He couldn't stop swearing for a million dollars, it's so ingrained in him that he doesn't even know he does it. That's an aside tho. What I wanted to say is that when I was preg with Maya, I left him. Things were really bad and he was drinking, cheating etc. I went back a couple of months later coz I couldn't reconcile the idea of being a single mum, I felt like my baby *deserved* the chance to have two parents. Then she was born and I realised I'd die before I'd let her see the way he treated me (and I have to say, he was never, ever physically violent, the emotional abuse was enough) and when she was 3 mths old I left him for good. Like you, I didn't really know HOW to leave, but I took a deep breath and plunged in. I spent about 8 weeks in a womens refuge and another 6 weeks on a friend's couch with Maya before I found my feet and managed to scrape together enough money for a bond on a tiny flat. I got some from WINZ, the rest from my parents who were just happy that I was in a better situation. We got back together (obviously lol!) and now have three more children, but it took 18 mths of convincing on his part, and proving that he was committed to us as a family. More importantly tho is that we had a few 'issues' last year after I had lil miss, he was yelling/swearing at the kids and I, not helping out at all with the kids and yelling at me when I asked him for help (hello, we have FOUR kids!). I tried to get him to go to counselling but he wasn't interested - he's a MAN and men don't do that sort of things. So I got creative. The gremlins and I were doing some therapy with a psychologist, and I had them invite Willie to one of our sessions under the guise of getting help with their sleep issues. The poor guy arrived and was immediately set upon by the two psychologists and the mothercraft nurse about what he needed to be doing to help out around the house. What shocked me was how responsive he has been - and he even agreed to fortnightly sessions, which he has stuck to. The difference it has made to our family - and to the kids behaviour - is amazing. We've started doing family stuff together, we eat meals together, he baths the kids every night and we are both much kinder to each other. It hasn't been a quick fix, but it was the push in the right direction that we both needed. And I would never have imagined my big, tough, tattooed truck driver would sit down and listen to three white female psychologists telling him how slack he was! But he did. I do have to agree with everyone else tho - if he hadn't been so receptive, he wouldn't be living here now, and if your DF isn't prepared to invest in the future of his family then honey, he's got to go! It's a two way street, and it'll never work if you're the only one on it. PM me if you want, I really feel for you coz I can relate on so many levels. ------------- Maya Grace (28/02/03)
 (02/01/06)
The Gremlins:Sienna Marie & Mercedes Kailah (14/10/06)
Lil miss:Chiara Louise Chloe (09/07/08)
Her ladyship:Rosalia Sophie Anais (18/06/12)
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Posted By: BuzzyBee
Date Posted: 04 March 2009 at 8:16pm
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TBH counselling isn't always the answer, it can temporarily change their behaviour/attitude but old habits die hard - leapards DON'T change their spots, IMO the damage has been done and you sound like you've already made the decision to leave, the hard part is getting the courage to do so and asking for help
I'm a single mother and seriously it's not as bad as people make out, sure I only have the one child and I've been lucky to have the support (sometimes ) of my parents, but money wise if you have to go on the DPB as a temporary measure until you get back on your feet again, it's not the end of the world and as long as you can budget you will do fine.
They pay you accordingly as to how many children you have, you'll get help with paying rent (accommodation supplement), you'll be entitled to family assistance, domestic purposes benefit etc etc. All you need to do is book an appt with a case manager, definitely tell someone that you are planning to leave and get that support - you will need it. You would be better off confiding in your mother first off, so she can help you devise a plan to get out, stay there for a wee while just to tide you over (I know its a big ask for any parent to take on their child and grandchildren but it won't be long term and if it gets you out of that situation, im sure they will be more than willing - and it would be best to have someone else under the roof with you incase your partner tries to come around etc etc). Basically I think your first plan of action would be to confide in your mother/parents, then go from there. Make the appt at WINZ and find out your entitlements, then once you've got yourself sorted look for a rental and go from there. As soon as you leave you will be eligable for DPB I should imagine. Big hugs darl, I know it's easy for all of us to comment and give advice but it IS different when it's you going through it, everything is much easier said than done. ------------- Single Mum to a darling wee boy of 3 years :) |
Posted By: Maya
Date Posted: 04 March 2009 at 8:16pm
That's probably the best thought on this thread. It's how I always think about things. I was gutted at the thought of being a single mum and Maya not knowing her dad - but I didn't want her to come to me in 25 years time and say 'man, dad was a real dickhead, why didn't you do something about it?' ------------- Maya Grace (28/02/03)
(02/01/06)
The Gremlins:Sienna Marie & Mercedes Kailah (14/10/06)
Lil miss:Chiara Louise Chloe (09/07/08)
Her ladyship:Rosalia Sophie Anais (18/06/12)
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Posted By: Maya
Date Posted: 04 March 2009 at 8:16pm
That's probably the best thought on this thread. It's how I always think about things. I was gutted at the thought of being a single mum and Maya not knowing her dad - but I didn't want her to come to me in 25 years time and say 'man, dad was a real dickhead, why didn't you do something about it?' ------------- Maya Grace (28/02/03)
(02/01/06)
The Gremlins:Sienna Marie & Mercedes Kailah (14/10/06)
Lil miss:Chiara Louise Chloe (09/07/08)
Her ladyship:Rosalia Sophie Anais (18/06/12)
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Posted By: CuriousG
Date Posted: 04 March 2009 at 8:20pm
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OMG, I just want to say Emma that you really have put a true perspective on things and shown there are clearly answers out there that do involve still remaining together as a family, even if it is a little further down the track.
Known2u - - I hope you get the help you need and the courage to do what is best for your family, whatever that may actually be.------------- http://lilypie.com">
http://lilypie.com">
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Posted By: Maya
Date Posted: 04 March 2009 at 8:21pm
I have to disagree, it's not as concrete as leopards and spots, relationships are fluid, they change over time and require constant effort and work. Sometimes things go more smoothly and you don't have to work as hard, other times things are tough and you have to fight really hard to make things work. Not that I am condoning abuse in any way, shape or form , or saying that all relationships can be saved coz there is a point when you do have to say enough's enough, all the work in the world can save it, I'm just saying that even old dogs can learn new tricks (Willie is the oldest dog in the book and he managed!) ------------- Maya Grace (28/02/03)
(02/01/06)
The Gremlins:Sienna Marie & Mercedes Kailah (14/10/06)
Lil miss:Chiara Louise Chloe (09/07/08)
Her ladyship:Rosalia Sophie Anais (18/06/12)
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Posted By: Maya
Date Posted: 04 March 2009 at 8:22pm
Thanks CuriousG  . I have to say I couldn't have survived the last 12 months without the support of my awesome friends who have lived the whole experience with me and always been in my corner.------------- Maya Grace (28/02/03)
(02/01/06)
The Gremlins:Sienna Marie & Mercedes Kailah (14/10/06)
Lil miss:Chiara Louise Chloe (09/07/08)
Her ladyship:Rosalia Sophie Anais (18/06/12)
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Posted By: Snappy
Date Posted: 04 March 2009 at 9:17pm
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Yeah I agree with you Emma. My Dad was an alcholic, who hit my Mum and apparently even had girls on the side. Mum said that when I was 4 she had to hide in the wardrobe from my dad with me
Mum left my Dad and went to live with her Mum, they sent Dad kicking and screaming to the Hamner alcohol centre and he stayed there for 3 months. He apparently hated everyone for it, but when he finally went through all the counsilling, he came back a changed man. My Dad is the most amazing Dad now, you would NEVER have guessed he had ever hit my mother. Hes the bestest  And treats my mother so wonderfully.
------------- Mummy to two beauties... Formerly Kaiz. |
Posted By: HoneybunsMa
Date Posted: 07 March 2009 at 8:40pm
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I really feel for you.
I went through the situation of the txting with BF for awhile. We didn't have any kids and it was still hard. You say he has no time to cheat, well believe me I thought the same thing, "but he's always at home with me, or hes with our flatmates, or at work, and he works with our bestfriends and surely he wouldn;t do anything round them when he knows they would tell me". But hey guess what it happened. He would txt girls that he met at work (works as a bartender in Auck City) so all the sk**ky girls were out and about and what made it worse some even knew he had a gf. It got to the point a couple of times where he was telling these stupid h** that he loved them (yes as you can tell am still slightly bitter about the whole thing). This happened on and off for a little while, nevermind the fact that I was a loving supportive GF and did everything that you could possibly want. Looking back now you could tell that we were rocky as there wasn't much happening in the bedroom so to speak. He broke up with me two years ago and we went our seperate ways except the fact that he couldn't stay away from me and kept asking me to come pick him up from his work or friends place and I was foolish enough to think that was us back together only to find out that he was sleeping with someone else. It all came out one day and we both went to work on a Saturday night (not a great thing in hospitality being the busiest night of the week) and we were both a wreck. Two weeks later I threw it back in his face and played his game "oh its only one of the girls txting me" etc he found out and hashed out all of the fears and behaviours that we had early one morning after another extremly late night out. It can work out tho. Late last year as we were talking about our bestfriends wedding and the issues they were having organising it he decided to set our wedding date, and now if I mention the wedding he is a willing participant - well to the extent of whatever you want babe, or I want to see the food (typical islander thinking about his stomach). I would say talk to your mum, but only do it if you feel comfortable as I know I didn't want to bother mine all that much with all the details. She knew we weren't happy and that I was working through it but that was about it. Do what feels best for you in your situation its hard to let go, REALLY hard but it may be the best thing in the long run. |
Posted By: Candkids
Date Posted: 08 March 2009 at 12:21am
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wow
sory that your going thru all of this, but i say get out while you can!! been there , put up with it and got out of it and looking back it was the best thing i EVER did!! yes it was hard, but putting up with it longer wouldve been alot worse! id sit down with your mum and tell her the deal, and tell her everything, and that you need her help, you can also sort out your working for families tax credits or winz etc before you leave it is really hard, but your kids will thank you for it, and down the track the only thing youll regret is that you put up with it for so long. i stayed for way to long as i was scared, he cheated & also txt girls & emailed them too & everyday he'd tell me "where are you going to go, and whos going to want you? no ones going to want a chick with a kid!" he said it so much i actually believed it. but 1 day i realised anything would be better for me and my girl but puting up with that, so i left . . and found out most people accept that you are who you are kids and all & if they dont then they dont deserve to be in your life & now i have an amazing DH & a life that i really didnt think was possible,
well thats a super short version of my story. good luck with it all hun thinking of you xoxo ------------- http://lilypie.com" rel="nofollow">  DD 10.5yrs DS 6yrs DS 11mths 5 little angles watching from above |
Posted By: Shelt
Date Posted: 08 March 2009 at 5:47pm
I agree with Maya. My DH and I are going through the counselling scenario at the moment. He has done the whole texting other girls thing in the past and I put up with it. I am so ashamed to say that and I wish that I hadn't but it was so hard to get out as we own a house together. We worked on things for a while and things improved but we let it slip again and are in just as bad a position but with a baby involved now too. He hasn't gone back to his texting ways but we have issues with him helping out round the house and valuing what I do, and some verbal bullying. I wasn't strong enough to insist on counselling the first time but I have this time as I am aware of how this kind of behaviour could impact on our daughter. Counselling is not the easiest thing to do (bareing your soul to a stranger is a bit embarassing when you have to face up to the sh*te you put up with), but it is working for us. Things have improved heaps and he respects me more, partly I think because I got strong and told him that I wasn't going to put up with it anymore. Relationships involve a lot of work and if you want things to improve you (and he) have to be willing to put the effort in. If he isn't prepared to step up and put some effort into changing himself and the pattern of the relationship then you need to leave (as would I if my DH was unwilling to work on things). Whatever you decided Known2U I admire you for facing up to it. I will be thinking of you. Stay strong. ------------- http://lilypie.com"> 
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