Gone....
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Category: General Chat
Forum Name: General Chat
Forum Description: For mums, dads, parents-to-be, grandparents, friends -- you name it! And you name the topic you want to chat about!
URL: https://www.ohbaby.co.nz/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=25126
Printed Date: 03 October 2025 at 11:34pm
Software Version: Web Wiz Forums 12.05 - http://www.webwizforums.com
Topic: Gone....
Posted By: pikelets
Subject: Gone....
Date Posted: 10 March 2009 at 8:31pm
DH has left....
He loves me but is unsure if he is inlove with me so has left to see if he will miss me. Nice one! DS just turned one
So, I can sit around and wait....or start to plan my future. I am going to get on with my life and if he ends up in it thats a bonus I guess. We have to sell the house and lose ALOT of money. Great I will walk away with huge debt. I haven't actually worked it out but will be at least $15k I reckon probably $20k. How on earth am I going to financially survive? I am trying to get an appointment with WINZ asap. How much is the dpb including accommodation allowance and what else can I get. I supposed to be going to fulltime next month but now I just cant do that and be a single mum. I am seriously considering going to 3 days as I dont want to leave work completely. I dont want to get help from winz but I have no choice. My life sux right now! ------------- http://lilypie.com"> 
 3 Angels - Dec10 / Mar11 / Dec11
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Replies:
Posted By: Henna79
Date Posted: 10 March 2009 at 8:34pm
 Star. Hope things work out for you
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Posted By: my2angels
Date Posted: 10 March 2009 at 8:36pm
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I have no words of wisdom but wanted to give you big hugs. Should you sell the house before you know if he is coming back or not, that is if you want him back. |
Posted By: pikelets
Date Posted: 10 March 2009 at 8:37pm
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Me too. Like most people I guess, I never wanted to become a solo mum and I still think it hasnt sunk in.
There is so much to do and I just dont know where to start. I really feel for my DS for now and in the future. He knows already that Dada isn't here. It is heartbreaking. ------------- http://lilypie.com">
3 Angels - Dec10 / Mar11 / Dec11
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Posted By: pikelets
Date Posted: 10 March 2009 at 8:38pm
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Thank you.
The house thing is complicated (just to add to the mix). We dont own all of it. DH sister owns half. So at some stage I do have to sell. Better is probably sooner really. ------------- http://lilypie.com">
3 Angels - Dec10 / Mar11 / Dec11
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Posted By: AandCsmum
Date Posted: 10 March 2009 at 8:39pm
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Men! I've heard that line before....I reckon it's got a lot to do with being responsible....do they not realise that everything is not always butterflies in the stomach stuff.....
------------- Kel http://lilypie.com"> 
A = 01.02.04 & C = 16.01.09 & G = 30.03.12 |
Posted By: pikelets
Date Posted: 10 March 2009 at 8:40pm
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Absolutely Aliasmum!
------------- http://lilypie.com">
3 Angels - Dec10 / Mar11 / Dec11
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Posted By: floss
Date Posted: 10 March 2009 at 9:03pm
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Oh hon, big hugs, I am sorry I don't know what else to say ------------- My beautiful big girl Sienna 15.04.06 Double the trouble double the fun Noah & Lola 10/11/07 |
Posted By: my2angels
Date Posted: 10 March 2009 at 9:04pm
| I know it probably seems horrible now for your DS but really he is to little to know or remember and in the long run he will be fine, he will still have two loving parents but now he wont remember the fighting or bad times that could happen (if they havent already) which is better for him. |
Posted By: Huggles
Date Posted: 10 March 2009 at 9:14pm
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all i can say Star...... keep your chin up and hopefully he will know what a good thing he had
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Posted By: monkey33
Date Posted: 10 March 2009 at 9:19pm
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No words of wisdom from me either star but hope everything works out for you
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Posted By: ElfsMum
Date Posted: 10 March 2009 at 9:23pm
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OMG Star.... no wisdom here either... but far out.. :( ------------- Mum to two amazing boys! |
Posted By: kellie
Date Posted: 10 March 2009 at 9:59pm
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Big hugs and good luck. ------------- 
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Posted By: Bobbie
Date Posted: 10 March 2009 at 10:31pm
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Star. Sorry you're having to go through this. Sounds like you've got your head screwed on right about all the practical stuff which is fantastic. -------------  
 
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Posted By: mamazozo
Date Posted: 10 March 2009 at 10:40pm
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Aww star im so sorry to hear about this!
Unfortunatly i dont have any wisdom either. However i am a single mum and i can assure you that you will surivive! Its hard doing it alone but its so rewarding aswell!! The house thing is a bit tricky, why do you have to sell the house because he has left? Does he want his share or something?? Im on the DPB and i live with my parents so only pay $150 board and i get $350 pw which includes accomodation suppliment and Family tax credits. However i have heard of people getting up to $400 and they also help with HP's or mortage repayments etc i think. Going to WINZ sucks big time i hate it but i will admit that they are pretty good about the whole single mum thing. Good luck with everything, im sure i havnt been much help but just hang in there im sure everything will turn out ok.!! -------------    |
Posted By: ooEvaoo
Date Posted: 10 March 2009 at 10:50pm
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**BIG HUGS** Star. Wow what a bombshell huh. I know that at times my partner and I have gone through this, deciding to go our seperate ways on several occassions (the most recent is right at this very moment...however it's more my issue than his). I am very defensive of myself and of my son, and any remark or situation that threatens my confidence as a person, and as a mother sends me into flight mode where I want to get away from it all and start over. I know I have issues that I need to work through, and maybe this could be the same for your DP. Anywho enough about me!. I think that if there were discussions to sell the house before your DP left, then continue with the proceedings. A case manager at WINZ should inform you of all your entitlements etc. ------------- 
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Posted By: busyissy
Date Posted: 11 March 2009 at 12:38pm
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Oh I am so sorry about your seperation . How heartbreaking! WINZ will be really good, I know it sucks having to go to them but that is what we have paid all that tax for right? You will be eligible for child support from DH (really that should stand for Dumb husband this time) as well.
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Posted By: kiwisj
Date Posted: 11 March 2009 at 2:12pm
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Aw hun, I have no advice either just lots of Don't feel stink about going to WINZ for help - that's what they're there for. ------------- SJ Callum - Dec 2008 Daniel - Oct 2010 |
Posted By: Aquarius
Date Posted: 11 March 2009 at 2:43pm
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men huh....
dont feel bad about going to winz... my sister gets nearly $600 awk. i think her rent is about 300-350 so they take that into account. they also will help if you need beds fridge..etc it just needs to be essential for living. of course he will have to pay child support BUT you dont get that (ironic and stupid i know) i think you are entitled to that should you go off the benefit...(not to sure how child support goes) child support is with IRD not winz... good luck girl ------------- http://www.magicalkingdoms.com/timers/"> 
mum to mr 16 & mr 10 |
Posted By: pikelets
Date Posted: 11 March 2009 at 7:35pm
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Thanks everyone. I really apprciate your kind words right now.
I went to Winz as I got an urgent appointment today and we have gone through a couple of scenarios so i need to choose what I am going to do. It felt awful going in there, I have a good job, a house, had a family and I walked in there with my P&T pram thinking "what am I doing here, this isn't me!" The lady was really nice and helpful (especially when I nearly cried infront of her!). Hate how it is open planned! DH came around tonight to get some stuff and declared how he still doesnt miss me and it would be easier if he had hurt me (as in had an affair) then the feeling would be mutual. I get the impression he wants me to be the one that says it is over but I'm not. I don't want to tell DS that in so many years time that it was me.
How many single mums are there working out there? I was thinking of working about 30 hrs a week. I cant possibly do fulltime and be sane  ------------- http://lilypie.com">
3 Angels - Dec10 / Mar11 / Dec11
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Posted By: nictoddie
Date Posted: 11 March 2009 at 8:09pm
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Big hugs star, take one day at a time and don't overdo it love, I have been there and done it but we got back together after a 6 month separation , it is emotionally exhausting and at the end of the day you still have a little person that needs you 24/7, sorry but he is sounding very imature to me! ------------- 
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Posted By: GlimmerShine
Date Posted: 11 March 2009 at 8:12pm
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TBH if you work 30 hrs a week whilst on DPB it gets cut down A LOT ...pay childcare, petrol, rent, food, power, water etc etc you almost end up better off not working, or only working a few hours per week because you end up at a loss (speaking from personal experience many years ago - may have changed).
So unless you are on a VERY high paying job ...and can get free childcare from a family member etc - it's almost not worth it. Really pays to check it out and ask LOTS of questions with WINZ. If you don't ask, they generally won't tell you. Big hugs! |
Posted By: Snappy
Date Posted: 11 March 2009 at 8:21pm
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First of all - Keep your chin up. And take things slowly.
A friend of mine is a single mum, she is doing OK financially. She works full time, and gets a top up from Working for Families. She also has fully subsidised childcare, and the child support payments from her ex partner. All in all she tells me she does pretty well. I think her salary was around $40k? Also, in regards to WINZ, you can get a benefit to help cover debt for a period of time. Its unlimited (ie no set amount they pay) and its to help those who are having difficulty keeping up with payments while going through a break up or the likes. ------------- Mummy to two beauties... Formerly Kaiz. |
Posted By: GlimmerShine
Date Posted: 11 March 2009 at 9:14pm
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I think the fully subsidised childcare is only for over a certain age (if its that free 20+ hours it's usually 3 years I think? ).
Things have changed a lot over the years though so WINZ may have a diff way of working, diff benefits available for diff situations. You'll be fine 
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Posted By: bluebird
Date Posted: 11 March 2009 at 9:49pm
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I was on the DPB and working. I was studying full time before working too, and it can be done as a single mum, you'll find that you're much stronger then you think you are.
You don't receive the child support payments the father makes (this is to pay your debt to society), unless you choose to receive it and declare it as income. If you choose to work, you can get up to $80 a week, with the same DPB payment. If you earn more they deduct quite a bit from the benefit(sorry can't remember just how much, 30c per dollar for so much, then 70c) This is all on top of paying secondary tax on your job too. Often it's not worth working as you come off only slightly better, especially when childcare is taken into account. You will get family support from IRD, you can choose to have this as part of your benefit, or a separate payment from IRD. There are all sorts of extra grants ad temp support they can give (clothing grants etc) but i'm not sure how they work as I never got them. So tell them everything you may need as they will be able to help. As far as I know, you can only get fully subsidsed childcare if you're under 18 and going to school full time, or studying and having the training incentive grant top up what the childcare sub can't cover. Good luck! ------------- DD1 10/10/04 DD2 10/06/09 |
Posted By: Shezamumof3
Date Posted: 12 March 2009 at 9:18am
Oh Star **hugs** you poor thing 
My dad did this to my mum when I was one Said the exact same thing to her, she was gutted.
But he came to his senses and they got back together a while later and then had 3 more kids. I hope things work out for you **hugs** ------------- |
Posted By: Rachael21
Date Posted: 12 March 2009 at 11:39am
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Hugs Star.
Another option is not going on the dpb (if you are going back to work) as you only need to work 20 hours a week to recieve WFF and if you earn under $1200 before tax you can get a subsidy of $3.51 for up to 50 hours depending on how long you work (they take travel and stuff into account too). You will also recieve child support from babys Dad as if your on the DPB you won't get it. Here is the link for working out WFF http://www.ird.govt.nz/calculators/tool-name/tools-c/calculator-wfftc-estimate-2009.html?id=righttabs - WFF You will also most likely be entitled to accomodation supplement http://www.workingforfamilies.govt.nz/calculator/index.jsp - here is the link to work out how much you will be entitled to. I'm so sorry you are having to go through this at all
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Posted By: mummy_becks
Date Posted: 12 March 2009 at 6:51pm
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You should so long as you come in under the figures give by Rach get a childcare subsidy. Yes there is 20 hours for over 3's but don't let people tell you, you can't get anything as there is the childcare subsidy given out by WINZ. Kels, and Nikki on here are working single mums and they are proof that it so can be done. ------------- I was a puree feeder, forward facing, cot sleeping, pram pushing kind of Mum... and my kids survived! |
Posted By: jazzy
Date Posted: 13 March 2009 at 12:48pm
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Big to you & the little one. You sound very strong. Don't make any hast decisions too soon, work out what you have & what you need, find what support you can get & get friends & family to help out. If you are going to walk away in that much debt you may need to think of your best options.
I know someone that this happened to she had 2 little kids & ended up going bankrupt, 4 yrs later she still has no debt & a better paying job & has found new love. So don't give up where there is a will there is a way. Oh & for the record he is the one that will miss out in the long run. |
Posted By: pikelets
Date Posted: 14 March 2009 at 9:41pm
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Well the best option I think is that I work 30 hrs a week, that way I don't have to go on teh DPB but I can get working for families. (Will need to check out the childcare subsidy).
My work has been AMAZING! They are happy to work with me at the moment and as I was supposed to go fulltime next month, they are going to reduce my hours for awhile and then we can reassess from there. It is so so so hard. DH mum thinks he is having a midlife crisis or some sort of breakdown. I don't know, I'm just confused on what the hell is going on in his head. Thank you so so much for your help and support. I really need to hear it at the moment. I know I will get through this ok but it is hard to get there. ------------- http://lilypie.com">
3 Angels - Dec10 / Mar11 / Dec11
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Posted By: xox6Girls1Boyxox
Date Posted: 15 March 2009 at 6:35am
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Morning
Huge Huge HUGS to you & your DS....I really hope thngs work out how you want them to....
You have defninately been givin some very wise info on here...
I've been on the DPB before also & sometimes you are better of just staying on the benefit rather than work &^vise versa...When i worked in the kiwifruit 8am to 4.30pm mon to friday I had my childcare fully paid for $165pw & with my wages plus IRD monies i was getting around about $600pw which was way more than i was getting on the DPB but because kiwi is only seasonal I went back on the DPB. I also got TAS (temporary additional support) also to help pay some of my car repayment...It's not so bad being on a beni but I definately know what you mean by hate going into winz & sometimes winz officers can be very rude but it sounds like you have a very nice case officer..... chin up hun things will get better... You have your little man there with you....Take Care xox ------------- http://www.bump-and-beyond.com/"> 
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Posted By: FionaO
Date Posted: 15 March 2009 at 9:26am
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I think you are being incredibly sensible, now is the time to ask people around you for support and trust me they will be more than willing to help out. Are you able to see someone to help you work through on your own how you feel about DH? Might be useful for you. Will your Dh continue to help provide for DS? ------------- 
]  [/URL]
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Posted By: pikelets
Date Posted: 16 March 2009 at 9:25pm
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We still have joint accounts at the moment and I am going to counselling. I am amazed at how much support I have had however I notice after a while it seems to fade away but I guess that is when I have to ask for help. There is a real pride issue here but I have DS to think about so that has to go out the window. I also worry about the future, the whole stigma of being a solo-mum which I know is dumb. I have always wondered how solo-mums do it, now I may find out!
But.........I know I shouldn't get excited but I can't help it! DH has finally agreed to go to counselling. I said that it could actually make his mind up that he does want to leave me permanently plus we can then tell DS in 15 yrs or whatever time that we did all we could. I know I shouldn't get my hopes up but I think at least this way i know I/we have done all possible. I won't see him for a week because of his work but then next week we are going to sit down and sort out a time when we can go. I think he wants to go separately to start with so thats fine by me. I also have a free 30 min appointment with a lawyer on Thursday to check re custody as I know he doesn't want custody of DS but for my peace of mind. I think I should still keep this so I know my options. Why does life have to be so hard sometimes??? ------------- http://lilypie.com">
3 Angels - Dec10 / Mar11 / Dec11
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