Personal Qu re TTC and Marriage
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Topic: Personal Qu re TTC and Marriage
Posted By: Peanut
Subject: Personal Qu re TTC and Marriage
Date Posted: 25 March 2009 at 12:36pm
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Hmmm, I'm not sure how to word this without it sounding judgemental but I am not intending to be and am more just really curious.
I know there are heaps of people on here who are TTC or have children and aren't married. Am just curious and extremely nosey as to why you decided to TTC but not get married etc. I know its not my business, and everyone does things different and its the 21st century etc. Am just so interested as my AN group is all non marrieds that have been together anywhere between 3-10 years and have all had a long hard road to having children. I am not close enough with them to ask but will put it out here instead 
Hope it comes across alright as was really scared of how to word it!  -------------  
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Replies:
Posted By: emz
Date Posted: 25 March 2009 at 12:58pm
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For one of the mums in our AN group, they have been together for 6 years, own 2 homes and a business together and have 2 kids (1 hers, 1 theirs). Up until now she has said it's the wedding part that she has never wanted and seeing as legally they're good as married they've just kept it like that.
Now however she's changed her mind and has decided that since they're as good as married, she might as well have the diamonds and a wee party to go with the responsibility 
My friend's aunt and uncle have been together for 26-27 years, have 2 adult kids etc but have never got married although they're engaged. I think it was never that important to them and they never had the money once the kids came along to have the wedding they would have wanted so never bothered. But yeah I don't get it myself but I'm a traditionalist and afterall was married at 20! |
Posted By: asicsgal
Date Posted: 25 March 2009 at 1:09pm
DH and I have been together for a year and two months and we are complete soulmates. His divorce doesn''t come through until a few months. We have a house together and a section that we are trying to sell LOL. With the second morgage coming up we are not really in a financial position to pop a ring on my finger though in our hearts there is an imaginary one. I dare say that when we can afford one we will get one and I know he wants to make a special job of proposing. As we want a summer wedding we will have to wait for next year, I am 37 and DH is 38 and there is no way either of us are prepared to wait another 12 months or so before ttc. Marriage is important to both of us and we take it seriously (despite both of us being married to the wrong people in the past at an early age) however in our minds we may was well be married, but I can't wait to be his wife. YEAH ------------- http://lilypie.com">  
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Posted By: ElfsMum
Date Posted: 25 March 2009 at 1:10pm
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for me it wasn't important that we were married first..but it's just the way it worked out.. I wanted us all to have the same last name though and am glad we do.. but I really wouldn't have been concerned if we weren't married.. I guess a lot of people don't think that getting married makes any difference? ------------- Mum to two amazing boys! |
Posted By: flakesitchyfeet
Date Posted: 25 March 2009 at 1:11pm
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I see what you are saying completely :)
I know people who have a child but are engaged, and are saving for their wedding like mad. You only do it once so they want to make it a big un! I know others who have had the house and kids etc and just don't really care about marriage, its a word or term, but they have that in their relationship anyway if that makes sense? Like emz I was a 20yr old bride so I'm probably the wrong person to answer this anyway :) But I think it is based entirely on what you believe a wedding and marriage means. For hubby and I it was a massive deal, but then we are Christian. For some people, its a waste of money, or a 'we'll get around to it', event. Each to their own :) -------------  http://lilypie.com"> |
Posted By: Peanut
Date Posted: 25 March 2009 at 1:16pm
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Asicsgirl, that makes complete sense esp the age thing and having to wait another 12 months before starting!
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Posted By: fire_engine
Date Posted: 25 March 2009 at 1:16pm
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LOL, I'm with you Flake. You have to have sex to have a baby, and we didn't do that till we were married, so the ring had to come before the baby! ------------- Mum to two wee boys |
Posted By: Freesia
Date Posted: 25 March 2009 at 1:23pm
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DP and I will have been together for 14 years in June and we have just never really felt like we needed to be married to give each other that same level of commitment. For us, getting married would just be making it all 'official'. I know to some people, it means a lot but it just never has for us.
Neither of us are religious so that's not an issue. Financially, we can't see the point when neither of us are particularly bothered about having a wedding and big party. And we both have very large families so it would end up being a pretty big (and expensive) event. I would rather spend that money on my child(ren) than on one day in our lives. I do sometimes feel like I get judged when I tell people that Livvy's last name is different than mine and when I refer to DP as "my partner" but other than that we are really happy as we are. In our minds we are already 'married' in every sense but the legal one and we knew we'd make great, loving parents and both really wanted children. -------------  
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Posted By: M2K
Date Posted: 25 March 2009 at 2:06pm
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I have been with my partner for almost 2 years, although feels longer haha, it all happened fairly fast when he moved in with me, we are the perfect match for each other. Which we both knew straight away, but where as I always thought a ring would come first then babies, it hasn't happened that way
I would love to have a wedding, be married to him, but felt I was also more ready to have a child, a few and felt time was running away on me. He was previously engaged to the mother of his first child after only knowing her for a few months and felt it was the right thing to do at the time, as she was pregnant, he said he felt pressured into it, so have tried not too do the same. He does talk about it all the time though, hope hes not giving me false hope!!! ------------- 
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Posted By: BessieBear
Date Posted: 25 March 2009 at 2:11pm
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We a christian so the ring came first but i was desperate for the baby so he came shortly after. ------------- Sarah Mum to, Boy 07/2008, Girl 03/2010, Boy 05/2012, Angel  07/08/2014
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Posted By: peanut butter
Date Posted: 25 March 2009 at 2:29pm
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Oh heck, thats me
As it was I decided at 37 weeks that I had to be married and we did the next week. |
Posted By: Maya
Date Posted: 25 March 2009 at 2:49pm
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LOL I remember that NZPiper, we all thought you were quite mad!
We're not married and I can't see us ever getting married. We did get engaged when Maya was 2 but we decided we wanted to have another baby before we got married so as not to have a huge age gap between Maya and the next baby. Then TTC took longer than expected, then we got twins, then we got lil miss and it just got further and further down the list of priorities. Saving for a wedding would mean I'd have to stop having 'accidents' at Nature Baby and Pumpkin Patch and I'm not sure I love him that much  .
Seriously tho, the piece of paper doesn't mean that much to us, and I never really dreamed of a big wedding etc. even as a little girl. We have four beautiful children and if that isn't evidence enough that we love each other then I don't know what is. I am Catholic but after being a bit of a wayward teenager the whole "sex before marriage" thing had looooong flown out the window, and whilst my parents would have been happier if I'd been married before I had kids, I think secretly they're kinda pleased Willie and I aren't married coz they're not his biggest fans. -------------  Maya Grace (28/02/03)
(02/01/06)
The Gremlins:Sienna Marie & Mercedes Kailah (14/10/06)
Lil miss:Chiara Louise Chloe (09/07/08)
Her ladyship:Rosalia Sophie Anais (18/06/12)
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Posted By: caitlynsmygirl
Date Posted: 25 March 2009 at 2:53pm
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We started ttc , because we knew we were going to get married anyway , it didn't matter to us what order it came in , pregnancy or marriage first .
In the end it was pregnancy first, then marriage, but married before baby arrived. Im not traditional in anyway , and I don't think ,with so many different souls on the planet that there is one right order for everyone, to some people marriage is a big deal, to others ,its not, neither is right or wrong ,it depends on the individual . ------------- 
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Posted By: sweetpea
Date Posted: 25 March 2009 at 2:59pm
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I know of alot of people who have children outside of wedlock but decide to get married when the kids are due to start school its the whole everyone having the same surname thing.
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Posted By: Maya
Date Posted: 25 March 2009 at 3:21pm
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I frequently get called Mrs Davis, it took me a while to get used to it lol - to start with I was like "who's that?" ------------- Maya Grace (28/02/03)
(02/01/06)
The Gremlins:Sienna Marie & Mercedes Kailah (14/10/06)
Lil miss:Chiara Louise Chloe (09/07/08)
Her ladyship:Rosalia Sophie Anais (18/06/12)
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Posted By: caliandjack
Date Posted: 25 March 2009 at 3:42pm
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Interesting topic - at first it didn't bother me if we were married or not, DH wanted to be married before we had children, and for one reason or another I didn't want them earlier.
Now that we are married I'm glad we waited, being married has made a huge difference to our relationship, I really feel we have made a commitment to each other, and we have the full support of our families. I'm 35 and DH is 33, and we've been together 8 years now, having a family together now we are married, just feels right. I don't think I felt as secure before we were married. ------------- http://lilypie.com" rel="nofollow">   [/url] Angel June 2012 |
Posted By: caliandjack
Date Posted: 25 March 2009 at 3:43pm
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TBH I feel a little bit old fashioned - as most of my friends seem to have babies first then get married. ------------- http://lilypie.com" rel="nofollow"> [/url] Angel June 2012 |
Posted By: caitlynsmygirl
Date Posted: 25 March 2009 at 3:52pm
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My first baby was not planned and her father and I broke up when I was 7 weeks pregnant (at which stage I told him, and he nearly crashed the car , ooooops )
This time, baby was planned , and wanted and I didn't have any of the same worries I did about how the father would react . We're married now, but even before we were (tho we were engaged, we got engaged before we started TTC) I knew it was different, hes not only my husband, but my best friend , even if we hadn't married, it would have been the same , hes always loved me more than anything -------------
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Posted By: caitlynsmygirl
Date Posted: 25 March 2009 at 3:57pm
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haha , I got called Mrs Seccombe for the first time yesterday , I almost said , no sorry she doesnt live here (thinking , thats DH's mum ) then realised it was me .
Felt very grown up -------------
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Posted By: T_Rex
Date Posted: 25 March 2009 at 4:26pm
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Hehe, it does feel very grown up to be called Mrs H! Sometimes I like it and sometimes it just makes me feel old
For us, we wanted to be married (DH more than me, but in hindsight its been awesome and just feels really *good*) AND we wanted to have kids. The order wasn't important for me, although again I think it may have been for DH, but I think more cos he doesn't like to do *controversial* things, especially in front of his parents. We kept up this ridiculous front that we had seperate rooms in our flat for years every time they came to visit. Anyway, I've been studying full time for the past 9 years - we met in first year at uni, and doing my PhD etc means there really hasn't been any opportunity for kids until now. So we could get married whilst I got my career humming along, but I didn't want kids until I'd got my PhD out of the way. So we got married first. I am a "b*stard", as are my 5 siblings. My parents are still together after 35 or so years. There are 10 years between me and the youngest. When I was at school it was very weird to the other kids that my parents weren't married, and that I had a different name to my dad. I asked my sister about it, seeing as mum taught at her primary, and had a different surname to her. No-one had ever commented on it to her and it was not unusual in her school. I hated having different surnames to my younger siblings (the first half had mum's surname, the rest dad's) though, one of the schools we went to refused to acknowledge that we were sisters! So anyway, I can see both sides and it really doesn't bother me. I think if a relationship is sound then its good with or without marriage, and if its not, then marriage isn't going to save it. Personally, I being married, but I think thats cos of my excellent choice of DH ------------- http://lilypie.com">  http://lilypie.com">
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Posted By: Natalie_G
Date Posted: 25 March 2009 at 4:35pm
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There are a few in our AN group that aren't married but have been together for years.
These days I think marriage isn't needed like in the old days. I am married and our daughter wasn't planned but we wouldn't change anything, we love her to bits. Sometimes I wonder why we got married as being together is just the same as being married. ------------- http://lilypie.com">  
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Posted By: Mamma2N
Date Posted: 25 March 2009 at 4:50pm
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This is such an interesting thread and something that I was discussing with my mother last night infact.
For us, we got engaged this time last year, planned wedding for June/July this year, nice grand affair and then fell pg (were TTC) DF's parents wanted to come over from Italy to welcome their first grandchild (they are here as we speak and we're all still waiting for the monkey) so we decided to push for a very small secret wedding in 3 weeks time on the 18th of April. I know some of our friends will be dissapointed but we really want something low-key. We're both really happy about this, DF didn't want the big wedding at all and this way our closest family members spend a nice day together and we will have our little one with us as well.. All I need now is to pop her out and go and find a dress!
But each to their own I say, after all its the 21st century.
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Posted By: minik8e
Date Posted: 25 March 2009 at 4:53pm
| I'm very much with Kelly on this one. DH wanted to be married before any kids arrived - although I could be (and was) pregnant when we got married. It didn't bother me so much, I knew we had a great relationship and it would stay that way regardless of whether we married or not. DH is very old-fashioned in his thoughts in that respect though, and I can see where it comes from after his mum (jokingly) said if I changed my mind or DH did on the day she would chase us down the aisle with a shotgun till we said yes because now she's got grandbabies on the way I'm not allowed to go anywhere so I HAVE to marry her son LOL |
Posted By: blondy
Date Posted: 25 March 2009 at 5:19pm
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Such an interesting topic! My parents always instilled into me how important it was to be married before having children (although not the sex part), and I don't really know why, seeing as we're not a religious family. We were together 7 1/2 years before getting married, and then 10 years before Natalie arrived, but I always wanted to be married first. In my family, a cousin had her babies before getting married (she was about 35 when the first bubba arrived), and her parents etc were mortified!
I'm all for live and let live, and don't see anything wrong with having kids before marriage, but it just wasn't for me (however, buying a house was much higher on the list than getting married lol) -------------  
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Posted By: Lexidore
Date Posted: 25 March 2009 at 6:29pm
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We had originally had the ideal of getting married before we had a baby... then i accidently fell pregnant. Ive never been a girl thats dreamed about her wedding day or getting married. I know i will be with DP for the rest of my life... and we will eventually get married at some stage, but since losing the last baby we arent worried about getting married before we have children anymore... if it was going to happen before then whats the difference between it happening now. Plus i think it would be great to have our child/children as a part of a day that celebrates the love of their parents. ------------- 
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Posted By: Bel
Date Posted: 25 March 2009 at 6:49pm
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We had this discussion quite alot before we got married. I felt like I wanted to be married before we had kids becuase it felt right to me... but DH wasn't bothered with the whole marriage thing. In the end he proposed and we got married becuase he knew that was what I wanted to do and he is glad we did now.
I just wanted marriage to be something about the two of us, without the involvement of kids I guess. It was our public declaration of love for each other and desire to be together forever! ------------- Mum to two beautiful kids
Luke (09.11.2007) Amy (01.04.2009) |
Posted By: AandCsmum
Date Posted: 25 March 2009 at 7:19pm
Nice one  mee to, quite frankly i was scared he'd leave & i'd miss his culinary skills ------------- Kel http://lilypie.com"> 
A = 01.02.04 & C = 16.01.09 & G = 30.03.12 |
T_Rex wrote:Posted By: NovemberMum
Date Posted: 25 March 2009 at 7:27pm
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there is only one couple in my antenatal group that isnt married. for some reason I thought we all were married so was surprised when I found out that one couple wasn't..not that it matters :)
We have all been together between 8-16 years (approx) (married around 3-14 years) Marriage was something that was important to both my husband and I and we also agreed we would not start a family till after we were married. our daughter arrived 3 days before our 3rd wedding anniversary and here is the freaky thing our wedding date was 27-11-04 and our daughter's birthday is 24-11-07. ------------- http://lilypie.com"> 
http://lilypie.com"> 
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Posted By: AandCsmum
Date Posted: 25 March 2009 at 7:36pm
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This is such an interesting thread!
We got engaged after 5 months! & I always swore that I'd never get engaged without having a date...hmmm yeah right! But bascially we decide that a house was more important to spend our money on rather than a "party" so we bought our house. Then my brother had a bad split up & we decided to get married, partly cause what we had was good & partly to give M&D something to look forward to. So we had planned to get married in Mar 04. Then we "accidently" got pregnant. She'll be right mate...NOT. So we decided to bring forward the wedding rather than have a wedding with a 6 week old baby or delay it cause I knew we'd never get around to it. So we got married in Aug 03 & I was 16 weeks preg
My family does go to church so that did play a part in why we got married before A was born & I always wanted to be married before I had kids. eta we got married after 7 years of engagement I was going to make him get me an eternity ring at 10 years....seeing it was taking an eternity ------------- Kel http://lilypie.com">
A = 01.02.04 & C = 16.01.09 & G = 30.03.12 |
Posted By: pepsi
Date Posted: 25 March 2009 at 7:56pm
Oh man I have such a dirty mind...I read that totally out of context 
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Posted By: Peanut
Date Posted: 25 March 2009 at 8:05pm
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I am pleased no one took offence as was slightly worried! Its a fascinating topic for me so am loving reading the stories.
DH and I brought a house after 3 months and got engaged after 2 years and married 6 months later. I was always keen to get married first and was rather scared of what my Mum would say if it happened the other way. We are not a religious family but we did have it drummed into us that marriage came first, am guessing its a generation thing. In all honesty I wouldn't have cared whether we got married or not but love that we are now and all have the same name etc. I would have put the pressure on for a baby at the same age etc as we did so am not sure too much would have changed
In my AN so 10 couples only 2 of us were married and in my Plunket group of 8 couples only 1 wasn't so a bit of a mix! I was the youngest at both though (was 26, I think ). I had also been married the longest -------------
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Posted By: Katep
Date Posted: 25 March 2009 at 8:16pm
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This pregnancy was not planned for us, but if we had waited until we were married, then it would be years away. Weddings are lovely, however they are also expensive. I'm glad baby is coming first, it is something/one that will keep me and DF togtehr forever, whereas a wedding can easily follow with a divorce and then things end forever. ------------- http://lilypie.com"> 
Mum to the Gorgeous Leah! 7 months |
Posted By: flakesitchyfeet
Date Posted: 25 March 2009 at 8:37pm
LMAO! ------------- http://lilypie.com"> |
Posted By: flakesitchyfeet
Date Posted: 25 March 2009 at 8:38pm
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EDIT: For double post but just to make it more interesting...
Katep I think that also just goes to prove how individual it is for each person, as I'm of the belief that our marriage binds us and kids are just a bonus. I think I'm a idealistic traditionalist when it comes to my family, just because i was brought up in a completely different situation, and then later developed a faith. Diversity is awesome :) ------------- http://lilypie.com"> |
Posted By: Caronz
Date Posted: 25 March 2009 at 8:44pm
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We decided that we wanted to have a baby and get married! but didnt really care about the order. That was untill we found out we had fertility issues! Then the baby making became much more important! we saw it as having 2 choices, waste a year planning a wedding or spend the time and money on IVF. We decided that we could get married at any age but making babies does have a time limit on it. So here we are, over 2.5 years later, $15k less money in the bank, not married, but 6 months pregnant! and happy! ------------- TTC since 06 with MFI IVF with ICSI 2007 BFN DI Sept 08=BFP DS 06/09 TTC #2 since June 2010 DI#2 Aug10=BFP MC@10weeks 2011= 10 rounds of DI 4 with clomid- all neg May 2012- IVF |
Posted By: Rachael21
Date Posted: 25 March 2009 at 10:13pm
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Great thread Peanut.
I sometimes wonder why people TTC before marriage as well. In saying that I'm not married but while the kids weren't planned I could of done a lot more to stop it happening (ie use birth control). Now we already have kids theres no real incentive to get married. If we won lotto we would lol. When I was pregnant with Caprece I thought if I had any more I would like it to be while married but now I don't really care. If I had any more financial stability is more important for me than marriage. |
Posted By: caitlynsmygirl
Date Posted: 25 March 2009 at 10:30pm
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Whether DH and I married or not, I knew wer'e going to be together forever, (until Johnny Depp comes to his senses and realises he loves me ....) But thats why we decided to ttc , because we knew ring or no ring, we were a family . I am glad tho , that I had my daughter involved in my wedding, it made a special day even more special , the three of us officially becoming a family -we already were, but now we had the paper work to prove it , thats all . Hes been her dad long before he proposed to me in the , ahem , car wash .... -------------
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Posted By: kiwisj
Date Posted: 25 March 2009 at 11:09pm
Love this, it's exactly how I feel about our marriage
TBH I was quite keen to TTC before we got married last year but DH is more traditional (and so are his grandparents! And mine, I spose) and wanted to wait. Plus we knew we'd have 2 months apart prior to the wedding as I came back to NZ a lot earlier. So I would have been about 3 months pg at least ... well, I'm SO GLAD I wasn't - I was so crook for the first 4 months that I don't think I would've enjoyed out wedding at all! I'm glad we waited those extra couple of months, we got our honeymoon baby which I think's pretty romantic although, it now seems like we DID conceive "out of wedlock" as C was born so early LOL.------------- SJ Callum - Dec 2008 Daniel - Oct 2010 |
Posted By: WestiesGirl
Date Posted: 25 March 2009 at 11:53pm
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For me personally it was important to me that I was married before I had children. And I absolutely love being married, I wouldnt change it for the world!! I love the commitment DH and I have and feel that that is important for our children to see and feel. Personally I feel it is the 'right thing to do' IYKWIM! Dh didnt mind either way lol!!
That said, my older sister and 2 younger brothers and some friends of ours have children and are not married and thats totally their choice too. Each to their own I guess ------------- Our Angel July 08 Gone but not forgotten
And to complete our family, our princess has arrived 
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Posted By: caitlynsmygirl
Date Posted: 26 March 2009 at 12:19am
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Families come in all different shapes sizes or types, theres no one size fits all .
Thats my personal opinion on it . In saying that tho, for being such a non traditional girl , I do love being married, and its made us even closer than we already were . -------------
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Posted By: Nutella
Date Posted: 26 March 2009 at 12:20am
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I have never been a wedding person...I like the idea of being married but the wedding...scares the cr*p out of me...all that money being spent, people watching me, ugly photos being taken hahaha. I am def not the sort of person who has always known EXACTLY what they want for a wedding.
Well... in a year we will be married -as long as a baby doesn't come along and we have to postpone. I don't really know why I changed my mind, I guess I just want us to 'shout it from the rooftops' or something lol. Maybe I was a late bloomer or because finally I met the one I want to be with forever. Still, I am with Katep on this, having children together is the biggest committment that we can make. And being older, don't have all the time in the world so why wait to be married? ------------- 
Oct 11
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Posted By: ohanlon82
Date Posted: 26 March 2009 at 9:06am
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Great thread girls
DH really wanted to be married before we had kids - i think it really came down to his up bringing (not a good one)... I love being married and i knew DH and i always would get married.. 9 years together, 1 engaged and married 2 weeks after being together for 10 years.. I know alot of friends with kids not married and alot that are married.. Does not change what kind of parents they are etc.. No problems at all on this side... ------------- http://lb2f.lilypie.com/TikiPic.php/RPaODBg.jpg |
Posted By: Snappy
Date Posted: 26 March 2009 at 9:50am
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Yeah everyone is different, I have been anti-marriage, anti-another baby, but then I changed my mind.
Janaya was born before we both got married, we TTC in 06 and I miscarried, and it wasnt until then that I decided we should get married. We had $4K saved up for the baby that I had miscarried, so I couldnt think of any better way to spend the money really. We tried again after we got married and presto... Mr Jackson was born. I never thought a piece of paper would do anything to a relationship, but in our case it really seemed to make us stronger. Having a baby can really put a strain on a relationship and I think being married this time around has made a big difference (Although we are a lot older than we were when Janaya was born) Meh, who knows. Each to their own. ------------- Mummy to two beauties... Formerly Kaiz. |
Posted By: jjands
Date Posted: 26 March 2009 at 9:58am
| I think like everyones said it's different for everyone, and in diff relationships. I grew up in a small town where it was unheard of for your parents not to be married which was my situation so I always thought I'd like to get married. And when I met now DH I just knew that no matter what I wanted to be with him, and being his 'wife' was important to me. Where as he never thought he'd get married he'd been with his ex for almost 10 years and never entertained the thought yet we got married in under 2 years :) so I personally think it depends on your r/ship too |
Posted By: angel4
Date Posted: 26 March 2009 at 10:58am
| DH and i had planned our wedding to either be jan 09 or jan 10 we couldn't decide and then in dec 08 i found out i was pregnant after 1 incident lol. We had a lot of pressure to get married while i was pregnant so that our son would be born with in wedlock but i didn't want people to think that the only reason we were getting married was because i was pregnant, nor did i want a rushed wedding. And the big thing there was no way i was gonna be a pregnant bride lol. So we got married when henry was 4months old. In jan 09 as we'd planned. Planning a wedding gave me something to do when i had to stop work at 20 weeks lol. I have been raised and so has my DH that you get married first and we fully planned to but we weren't gonna rush a wedding just please everyone else. |
Posted By: Mum_mum
Date Posted: 26 March 2009 at 11:15am
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For us, we wanted to get married before having kids, just seemed like the right order for us and i was a youngish bride at 21.
Im glad we got married before getting pregnant as it was time for just us together but if it happened the other way round i wouldnt mind cos bubba would be there to share your special day. My brother and his partner arent married, they were only 2gether a few months when she got pregnant with their first child. Now they have 2 2gether and his partner would really really like to get married but my brother doesnt really see the need just yet with the cost of babies and house etc and feels he has already made the commitment to her anyway. ------------- http://lilypie.com">  http://lilypie.com">
Angel baby - May 2008
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Posted By: Babe
Date Posted: 26 March 2009 at 12:39pm
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I got married at 20 and it was a disaster but I chose the wrong guy and I already knew it before the wedding but went through with it anyway.
I got pregnant accidentally and left my husband after my son was born. The guy I'm with now is wonderful and adores our son. We brought a house together and we are definitely planning on getting married in the future because I'm with Flake - I think the personal commitment you make to each other is what binds you with children being the bonus. My divorce comes through in October this year and we're getting married next year. We'll probably try for a baby at the end of this year though because we don't want too big a gap between children. -------------   
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Posted By: fattartsrock
Date Posted: 26 March 2009 at 1:58pm
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I have to say I am very very old fashioned about this, although I certainly didn't do it the way I would have preferred.
I never ever wanted to have children, so getting together with my husband was perfect as we is 12 yers older than I and already had a son, and didn't want to have any more children. he also didn't want to get married again either, which didn't realy bother me too much, especially since we weren't going to have any children. I got accidently pregnant with Jacob, and we did consider termination, but in the end a threatened miscarrige (the day I found out) changed our minds (although by then DH was wanting to have babies, but I was still saying hell no). He still dodn't want to get married,a nd I was a little dissapointed to be honest and hugely embarrassed about beign pregnant and no ring or anything. When Jake was 9 months old, DH decided that yes, he wanted to get married, so proposed. A the time he was trying to convince me to have another baby, and I suspect he thought a ring would seal the deal, and sure enough I got pregnant soon after, and Charlotte was 8 months old when we got married. I dIdn't give an ultimatum, its just the way nature happened. I was still dissapointed to get pregnant out of marriage, tho, like i said, I am a bit old fashioned about that. ------------- The Honest Un PC Parent of 2, usually stuck in the naughty corner! :P |
Posted By: Shezamumof3
Date Posted: 26 March 2009 at 3:29pm
For me and DH, we didnt need rings on our fingers, we were in love wanted to start trying right away and knew we would get married one day and we did
Now that we are married though, we feel complete and I love having the last name as my so,n and my daughter when she arrives. But if we had never got married, it wouldnt matter because we love each other no matter what our material status, and our kids would be just as loved and cared for. ------------- |
Posted By: caitlynsmygirl
Date Posted: 26 March 2009 at 4:42pm
I feel exactly the same -------------
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Posted By: DJ
Date Posted: 26 March 2009 at 9:03pm
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Hmmmm, interesting. I'm the only one in my coffee group not married.
DP and I have been together for more than 10 yrs, and have no intention of getting married. There is some family pressure to tie the knot, but it just isn't important to us. I think having children (and buying property) together is a far greater committment than marriage. There is no getting out of this relationship now that there are children involved. In terms of a ring, I decided after DD was born that I deserved some bling so got a "maternity" ring. I think I'll get more bling when this baby is born
As for having the same name, I wouldn't change my name even if we did (in some alternate universe)happen to get married. I do like other people's weddings though, and totally understand why people do it. It's just not for us. ------------- http://lilypie.com">  http://lilypie.com">
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Posted By: susieq
Date Posted: 26 March 2009 at 9:19pm
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I am glad you got married Kelly and you too Sheza ------------- susie |
Posted By: mummy_becks
Date Posted: 26 March 2009 at 9:42pm
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I had Andrew out of wedlock and it didn't worry us one bit. I think there was only 3 married couples at out AN classes. I know DH was pressured about marriage from his dad after Andrew came along. It took 9 months after Andrwe was born to ask me. We were marreid in March 06 and Josh came along Feb 07 a little bit of an accident as I had arranged a number of things to happen in 2008, but I got over it. To me it doens't matter if someone is married so long as they are in love and love their children that is all that matters. ------------- I was a puree feeder, forward facing, cot sleeping, pram pushing kind of Mum... and my kids survived! |
Posted By: HoneybunsMa
Date Posted: 26 March 2009 at 9:46pm
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DP and I aren't married, we have been together for 8yrs this May, and are expecting our first in July.
I secretly wanted to have the wedding before the baby but ahh who cares at the end of the day. I think both DP and I wanted kids secretly and didn't say anything to eachother. Mum decided to give DP a bit of a hard time last year and ask when he was going to make an honest woman out of her daughter. And one night when we were talking about our best friends wedding plans (the trouble they are having with the families etc) he decided to set a date for ours right then and there. Since DP is actually the son of a pastor (I know living with his pregnant girlfriend not what they would have intended for him). Then a couple of months later we found out we were expecting unplanned, COMPLETELY unplanned, right down to the extent that I literally stopped taking birthcontrol one week before we fell pregnant not intentionally it was more because I was busy and a little stressed as DPs grandfather had passed away and we were trying to make sure he could fly to the islands and return etc... And now we are both happy and in love completely, and talking about planning for baby, and what we want for them. And also what we want for our wedding plans, although its mostly my opinion haha. And our honeymoon (so looking forward to the honey moon) and whats best is that we are going to have our little one able to walk down the aisle with us and it will be so special. Its our life and how we live it is up to us. So we're not too worried about what our families think and what order it came in http://lilypie.com"> 
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Posted By: AandCsmum
Date Posted: 26 March 2009 at 9:50pm
I did this too but this time around I'm getting one made with all our birthstones & the one from when we got married so it's going be good bling------------- Kel http://lilypie.com">
A = 01.02.04 & C = 16.01.09 & G = 30.03.12 |
Posted By: scribe
Date Posted: 26 March 2009 at 10:13pm
I completely agree. I got married first (because he asked me and it was romantic and I loved him and there was no reason not to), and I'm pleased I did, because at the time it cemented our relationship to proclaim our commitment in front of our friends and family. But, for me, the decision to have children was much bigger, in terms of our relationship, it really spelt FOREVER to me. I think it's because my parents went through a really messy divorce when I was between the ages of 10 & 13, and if I can help it there's no way Clara's parents are going to break up. So, I can totally understand if people have children and then don't really see a huge need to get married. To me, it was like a step on the commitment ladder - dating, marriage, children - hopefully with a house in there too. If you jump two steps, therefore missing an earlier step - eg, marriage, I think that marriage becomes a nice to have, rather than a have to have. My sister became engaged when she was pregnant with her now 6-year-old son, but has never felt much desire to make it official. They are finally planning to do it next year, but they look on it more as a chance to have a big celebration than it really changing anything about their lives. Ie, it's about the wedding, not the marriage. It'll be interesting to ask her afterwards if anything does change in their relationship. |
Posted By: jaz
Date Posted: 27 March 2009 at 10:59am
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I guess for me having a wedding has never been a huge priority. If I have the money I always choose to go travelling or do something to the house. I don't think a wedding would change our relationship now and with other stuff going on it's pretty low on the 'to do' list. ------------- http://lilypie.com"> 
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Posted By: mum2paris
Date Posted: 27 March 2009 at 1:01pm
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This is an interesting thread isn't it?!
For us, it was kinda.. hhhm I don't know really. I beleive in marriage, and in Baptising our children, Mike is from a background where really he beleives in neither as it wasn't really the done thing in his family. His parents have been together for nearly 30 years now and were going to be married on their 20 year anniversary but decided heck they'd been together this long who needed the wedding. Instead of forcing my beliefs on him, I said to him that I would settle for one or the other. and he put some thought into it and chose marriage, much to my surprise. We had been engaged for about 2 years when i fell preggers with Paris - it was a bit of an ooopsie really. The plan had been to wait until after i finished my nursing studies to have the wedding as then we'd both be working and be able to pay for it easier - so the wedding was planned just not concrete. and because of having Paris in the middle of my studies it meant that my studies got "elongated" due to having to be part time for some of that, which meant the wedding got nudged - had been planned for March of 2005. of course by that March 2005, I was not finished my nursing and was about 32 weeks preg with Ayja!, so again, wedding was on the back-burner. I finally finished and graduated and we set a date for the wedding and of course up cropped the possibility of baby number #3 which ended in us postponing, moving the date of the wedding (we had already booked the venue) and of course when i miscarried, some other person had already snapped up our original date  ..
So we just finally went ahead and thought who cares about the other venue - we're doing this, it had been a long time coming. For us, the wedding had always been coming, it wasn't a matter of that and truthfully if we had been married all those years ago when we were first engaged, i am not sure that it would have lasted being so young and so different, all the stuff we went through after having the kids really brought us together and for me, I felt that it was important to be married after the fact.. before it was just the idea of being married and the big white wedding, and after the fact, it was now about being together, acknowledging all the hard times we'd been through and showing the commitment we had already proved for each other by sealing it with marriage. I love that our girls were able to be part of our big day and they really thought it was "OUR" wedding, making us a true family that shared names. As i said before, when we were young it really was just the shallow idea of that's what came next, and the idea of a pretty white dress. Now that we are older and wiser, it has taken on so much more meaning and even mike is surprised at how much significance it has for him and how much it means, he never takes his ring off, even when i told him to while working with powertools etc as it was hurting him, he still wouldn't take it off. It's funny how different things work for different people. ------------- Janine and her 2 cool chicks, Paris & Ayja 
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Posted By: Nutella
Date Posted: 27 March 2009 at 1:18pm
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MumtoParis, I know what you mean, I was different to you in that I was never to fussed about getting married but now DF and I have been through so much that it is about ackowledging oour committment to each other NOT about the dress and cake and flowers and all the stuff that goes with it.
I would love to just get married to him now, but I also want all the family with me so we have to wait. Strange how a different relationship can change how you feel about something. Mind you if we never got married but had babies then I would be just as happy -------------
Oct 11
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Posted By: BessieBear
Date Posted: 27 March 2009 at 2:14pm
That's naughty. ------------- Sarah Mum to, Boy 07/2008, Girl 03/2010, Boy 05/2012, Angel 07/08/2014
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