How do I tell Sam’s father?
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Topic: How do I tell Sam’s father?
Posted By: mamanee
Subject: How do I tell Sam’s father?
Date Posted: 27 March 2009 at 10:12am
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How do I tell him that I am pregnant to my new partner?
He is the most unreasonable person I have ever met and I know it would just be met with judgement, anger, and put-downs as well as unpredictable behaviour that I probably haven't even thought of yet. At the moment our only contact is him screaming down the phone for three seconds before I hang up because I haven't sent enough photos or the right photos or there is a picture of someones leg/handbag/car/hand in the photo and he wants to know whos leg/handbag/car/hand it is. Or little snipes at me over msn when I am offline, like 'How can you sleep at night knowing you are depriving your son of his father?' (HE lives in Australia, it was HIS choice to move over there because the money was good) and another good one "Your social life is interfering with my relationship with my son" (What relationship? If anything it's your career and your geographical position that is interfering with that). Once a week I send photos and an update about how Sam is doing and I stick to this. I do not get into any arguments with him, I never say anything more than necessary and I never reply to any nastiness. Here is the thing. Being pregnant, and with someone who I actually care about and who actually treats me like a queen, rather than something they have stepped in, I would like to be able to move in with him before this baby is born in November. But that means that my ex will find out and knowing him, he is likely to kick up a huge stink. My new partner lives in Auckland, I live in Hamilton. Can he stop me from moving? His name is on the birth certificate and he is always going on about how he has more rights than I know about and to 'not push him' because he is sure the courts would like to know about my friend who smokes pot occasionally (never around me). Argh, I don't know, I JUST want to move on with my life, I am so happy and feel so loved and Sam and I just adore this wonderful man that has come into our lives, but 'HE' is still there, in the background, haunting me and I hate that he can do this to me. Do I not have the right to live my life the way I want to? |
Replies:
Posted By: Mama2two
Date Posted: 27 March 2009 at 10:25am
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Renee, I don't think he can stop you moving in with your new man. He can try and make it difficult for you in the same way as he is now with threats etc, but overall you have custody of Sam and can do what is best for you both.
I say good on you for wanting to move on with your life - it sounds like he isn't able to move on with his which is sad for him. Anyway just wanted to give you some big hugs and let you know that you are doing the right thing 
 ------------- http://lilypie.com"> 
http://lilypie.com"> 
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Posted By: Bobbie
Date Posted: 27 March 2009 at 10:41am
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Have you got legal custody arrangements in place for Sam? I'm guessing you have but if not I'd do that before telling him anything so he doesn't go right off the deep end.
I doubt that he does have 'more rights than you know about' I think he's blowing smoke out his rear TBH. And then I probably wouldn't even tell him until after 12 weeks or even longer. You don't owe him that. -------------  
 
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Posted By: Brenna
Date Posted: 27 March 2009 at 10:42am
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He's just being a selfish, jealous jerk by the sounds of it. He can't stop you moving on with your life and you have always been Sam's primary caregiver (and have done a great job as well) so even if he did follow through on his threat - what court would award custody to the father when the mother has proved to be more than capable.
I'm really happy for you that you've found a new man. I know it must be hard to stick up to your ex, but I think you should do what feels right for you and Sam. Best of luck breaking the news
Edited to fix my bad England...  -------------  My beautiful 2 girls...nearly 4 and 13 months
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Posted By: BaAsKa
Date Posted: 27 March 2009 at 11:52am
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Im not sure how it all works but i would get some type of restraining order so he cant harass you and make trouble for you and your new man.
I definately dont think he has a leg to stand on when he implies that he can take Sam!! you have been his primary carer and a great one at that!! 
If i was you i would move on with things - move in with this new lovely man and dont even tell him about the baby until needed. Hes in oz! so why does it mater to him. Good luck! and im soooo happy to hear things are going so well for you and Sam
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Posted By: minik8e
Date Posted: 27 March 2009 at 12:00pm
| My personal opinion - get the child care for Sam put in place legally (and a protection order for the harassment, if you can), and don't tell Sam's father about the new child. What business is it of his anyway? |
Posted By: AandCsmum
Date Posted: 27 March 2009 at 12:15pm
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I would contact citizens advice and ask them exactly what rigths he has, I doubt it is many considering he is in a separate country.
He doesn't need to know you are preg. I would tell him you are moving in with DP but it is only courtesy seeing DS is his son. ------------- Kel http://lilypie.com"> 
A = 01.02.04 & C = 16.01.09 & G = 30.03.12 |
Posted By: M2K
Date Posted: 27 March 2009 at 12:18pm
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I would say the same also.
When you do tell him, leave it til later on otherwise it sounds like he will call all hours and make your life hell (which you don't need early on in your preg) It could also cause a bit of strife with your new partner seeing you upset also and as you and his unborn child is priority it could cause conflict between the two males and turn out even worse than it needs to be. He is not with you anymore and doesnt have a say on who you are with or what you do with your new partner. So unfair he is trying to manipulate you. *Edited for poor grammer ------------- 
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Posted By: Orca1
Date Posted: 27 March 2009 at 1:03pm
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I agree with the other ladies, get advice of rights etc and get things set up for your son legally before doing anything else. Do you keep a copy of his abusive texts/emails etc? Might be a good idea to have proof of what he is like.
I don't post often but I have followed your journey and think you are very brave woman and a wonderful mum. You and your son deserve every happiness and its wonderful that you have found someone that makes you both feel so special. Enjoy your new family! |
Posted By: caliandjack
Date Posted: 27 March 2009 at 1:28pm
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You don't have to tell your ex-partner anything. Its none of his business, if you haven't already to get a restraining order in place, and seek direction through the courts for visitation rights.
Will your new partner adopt Sam? What is your ex like around Sam, you can ask for his visits to be supervised. ------------- http://lilypie.com" rel="nofollow">   [/url] Angel June 2012 |
Posted By: busymum
Date Posted: 27 March 2009 at 1:40pm
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Go for it. He doesn't need to know that you are pg again or that your new address is actually your partner's - it could be a flatmate for all he needs to know. As far as legalities go, he can't get the Court to stop you relocating within NZ unless it was the case that you moving from Hamilton would hinder his opportunity to have contact with Sam. Obviously he is just as far from Hamilton as Auckland so no prob there. I doubt he would do anything about pot-smoking (he sounds all threats) but that's something you should get legal advice on if and when it comes up. You could go ahead and do that now, before you move, and then I suspect you'll still be eligible for legal aid. ------------- |
Posted By: busyissy
Date Posted: 27 March 2009 at 1:40pm
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Congratulations on your pregnancy! How wonderful for you and your partner. Don't worry about telling the ex about the baby if you don't want to and if you think that it is going to cause you more strife, you should be able to be happy and enjoy this new time in your life.
I do agree with the other ladies that if you don't have formal custody arrangements then you should make certain of this before you move in with your new partner. They wouldn't take Sam from you without very good cause and it doesn't sound like they would be able to find one. Citizens advice is a great place to start. If you want a restraining order you will need a case for it so make sure you keep a copy of all his abusive emails, and make a diary of any phone calls. Best of luck to you! |
Posted By: Rachael21
Date Posted: 27 March 2009 at 2:16pm
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I agree with everyone else, don't tell Sams Dad for as long as you can. Don't let him ruin this exciting time for you and your new partner. Also he is most likely trying to hold control over you by threatening you with the pot smoking thing. Do get some legal advice though, womens refuge may even be able to help with your rights and stuff.
Congratulations on your new pregnancy how exciting 
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Posted By: mrsturtle
Date Posted: 27 March 2009 at 2:22pm
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First of all Congratulations on your pregnancy!
I aggree with what the other wise ladies have said Id deffinatly get some advice from citizens advice having some formal custody arrangements in place would be an advantage as then you know exactly where you stand and his idol threats would no longer be a stress for you. Definatly start keeping copies of texts letters emails etc as it wil also help you if he dose try to make your life difficult re custody. All the best with your pregnancy and i hope things work out for you. Ex's can be so nasty but he has no right to try and control you! Your more than entitiled to move on and have a happy time with sam and your new man and bubby. So good to hear your new man is wonderfull you deserve it
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Posted By: emz
Date Posted: 27 March 2009 at 3:19pm
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Hey Renee, congrats to you and your DP on your pregnancy. It's so lovely to hear you are with a caring man and that Sam is going to have a great male role model in his life.
Moving - I would approach it from you telling your ex you can have a better life in Auckland etc, not that you're moving up to live with a new man. Then I would tell him your DP is actually your flatmate. THEN down the track I would tell him you have a relationship. (Probably best to do before he finds out about the baby lol) If he's irrational, which he is, hearing that not only are you moving, but you are moving in with a new partner and are pregnant to him, will most likely drive him crazy because he won't feel like the centre of the universe anymore (we all know the type). So ease him into it. Secondly, I wouldn't even bother mentioning the pregnancy to him. Like you said, you have no contact with him other than to send photos and update him on Sam. He has no right to know anything other than things that may affect Sam's upbringing directly (like which adults he lives with - which is why you will need to eventually tell him about DP). But yeah I would let him find out about the pregnancy himself, the less time you have to hear from him on the matter the better I say! If you do decide to tell him and you think he might go nuts, leave it till later in the pregnancy for you and bubbies sake. I hope all goes well and so happy to hear you and Sam are happy 
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Posted By: mamanee
Date Posted: 27 March 2009 at 4:14pm
Thank you every one for your kind words and advice and support. I haven't got any formal custody arrangements in place for Sam as yet (But am getting on to it real soon) as because the ex is in Australia, and while I was on my own I didn't need to like I do now. He is back every three months or so and demands to spend as much time as Sam as possible, and while I don't have a problem with him seeing his son, I would like to have more control over the situation and make sure that it is convenient and doesn't disrupt Sams routine or life too much. To be honest it makes me sad to see him with his son as Sam doesn't remember who he is and the interaction feels so fake to me. He doesn't make the effort to get to know him or play with him, it seems awkward, uncomfortable and half-assed. With my new partner though it's the total opposite and he treats Sam like his own and is a total natural and Sam is forming a great bond with him which is so nice to see now as Sam has missed out on a strong male role model in his life thus far. As it stands, my ex does know I am seeing somebody, but I refuse to tell him anything because he misconstrues everything I say and it's just not worth my effort to keep up with his astronomical expectations of me. (He would like me to be 100% on my own awaiting his return every three-four months looking stunningly beautiful having an impeccably tidy home and ready to play happy families for a week, and I wouldn't be allowed to speak out of turn or see my family or breathe the wrong way just incase he felt the need to throw a tantrum). I don't know where I found that man but it's taken me a good three years to shake him off and even from over there he thinks he can control my life and what I do. I am a good mum, Sam means everything to me there is nothing I wouldn't do to make sure he is happy and healthy and loved. I think I will wait a while to tell him about the pregnancy, although I feel quite ill I want to enjoy it for as long as I can before he inevitably tries to ruin it for me. Thanks again everyone, I have some research to do in regards to making sure he doesn't come over next time and throw his weight around and expect me to bend over and do his bidding! |
Posted By: Chickaboo
Date Posted: 27 March 2009 at 5:44pm
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OK I SKIPPED the other replies as i have been there done that - although I wasn't as nice as you with sending photos etc....
Anyhow you don't have to tell him at all - and let him worry about it when he does find out - and you don't have to tell him where you live but if you want to thats up to you (I guess if he went thru a lawyer you would have to tell him though) ------------- http://lilypie.com">  
876 |
Posted By: fallen
Date Posted: 27 March 2009 at 10:12pm
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Hi, congratulations on the new baby.
I've been there done this too. Get the custody stuff sorted once and for all. That way his stupid threats mean jack and you know 100% where you stand. Even if he did tell the police about your friend who occasionally smokes pot I doubt it would be high on their list of priorities unless your friend was a big time drug dealer or something. And all of it would have absolutely no bearing on you anyway. If hes going to be abusive tell him you refuse to communicate with him unless he can be civil. That includes the emails and photos. You do not deserve that sort of treatment and its totally unacceptable. As for moving and the new baby. You may choose to tell him you've moved to Auckland. But as far as anything else is concerned its NONE OF HIS BUSINESS. His tie is to his son, not to you. Sorry if I sound harsh, but manipulative, abusive men annoy the crap outta me! Good luck with everything, sounds like you've found a great guy now. ------------- |
Posted By: Peace
Date Posted: 28 March 2009 at 8:48am
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Heya
Well first of all you need to put yourself in protection, put a trespass order on your home so he can't just walk in (from the sounds of how you depicted him it sounds like something he might do). Take him off your MSN list so you don't have to be subjected to his tirades. Make sure your partner isn't keeping any pot  on yours or his premises and talk to a lawyer about your next step.
Don't tell him that you are pregnant and when you have custody grounds then move and send him an email that you're moving. If he sends anything retaliatory back then save that. I hope you have saved all of the messages that he has sent you as it really shows his diminishing mental health - who acts like that? The fact that you think it is normal for him speaks volumes to the level of crazy and mind games that he is going to subject you to. Don't have a bar of it. Set yourself up in a comfortable relationship and move on. Your relationship is with your child and that should be your sole focus (as I am sure it is!). And you also need to protect the life of your unborn child, to hang with Sam's father in relation to any influence that he might have on your life, IMO it's completely none of his business. I wouldn't even bother to tell him, let him find out himself. Best of luck! ------------- DD1 May 2006 DD2 March 2011 DD3 August 2012 |
Posted By: mamanee
Date Posted: 28 March 2009 at 11:45am
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Thank you Peace, it's good for an objective person to reiterate to me exactly how crazy he appears to be (he really is)
Just on a side note, my partner doesn't smoke pot, a friend of mine who I don't see very often does and never does around me or Sam. My ex knew about it and I was told never to see this friend again. My partner and I are making sure everything is in place before we move in together to stop him from trying to ruin it all.
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Posted By: BaAsKa
Date Posted: 28 March 2009 at 12:42pm
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gosh Renee you sound like such a strong person to have dealt with your ex! he sounds like an insecure nutjob!
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Posted By: Peace
Date Posted: 28 March 2009 at 1:37pm
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Woops, sorry I thought you meant your new DP. Yeah you are in the right, you are the mother and you are the one that is supporting him and sending updates to your ex. TBH I think he should be the one that is threatened - he probably is which is why he is being such a goddamn headcase (seriously, threatening to take your son because you have a friend that smokes pot is more than a couple of sammies short of a picnic, he's an empty goddamn basket!). Is there a legal aid near you? I am sure if you ring around you can get someone that can give you free advice. I just had a quick look and there are lots of barristers and solicitors in your area which can probably give you free advice over the phone. Also talk to the police, threatening to make your life difficult is bonkers, they can probably help you take legal solutions as well (the trespass order is free and no excuse needed).
Yet again, best of luck. ------------- DD1 May 2006 DD2 March 2011 DD3 August 2012 |
Posted By: KiwiL
Date Posted: 28 March 2009 at 9:07pm
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I would definately take out a restraining order before you tell him about your new DP, that you're moving or about your pregnancy. Tell the police that you are really afraid of him (even if you aren't) because he sounds unpredictable and the last thing you want is to be worried about what he will do. It also might send him a very clear signal that he is not part of your life anymore, except where it is necessary for Sam.
When you do tell him you're pregnant just state the facts and say that you're really happy and that you're hopeful that he can also be happy for you. I also second keeping copies of everything - everything that he sends you as well as everything you send him. This is to prove that he's unreasonable and you've been nothing but accommodating to him. Good luck hun. And CONGRATS on your pregnancy, and on your wonderful sounding DP. |
Posted By: Chickaboo
Date Posted: 28 March 2009 at 9:34pm
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Renee - reading thru (now that i have more time) seems like your ex is all talk and no do - its just to get a reaction from you and to 'control' you still.. its hard not to stress about it but don't or hes done his job...
He hasn't got a leg to stand on stopping you from leaving Hamilton (or moving) the only way that would happen is if it was impossible for him to see his son if you did - well by your post hes in Oz so theres nothing he could say to stop you and get a lawyer to agree on it. (my ex also threatened this then moved to the south island - it never happened!) Just another way he tried to control me You do what you want and whats best for you and sam... once your ex prealises he can't get to you by doing things like this beleive me he will almost disappear and although you will feel for Sam it would be the best thing as a father he did for Sam. ------------- http://lilypie.com">
876 |
Posted By: .Mel
Date Posted: 28 March 2009 at 10:54pm
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Just walk away, I wouldn't even bother telling him anything especially about baby, that's none of his business, your relationship with him is over and your only connection is Sam.... maybe dwindle the updates about Sam to every fortnight.. Definitely look into a property protection order etc like others have suggested.
------------- Mr Mellow (16) Miss Attitude (8) Destructa Kid (3) 
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Posted By: McPloppy
Date Posted: 29 March 2009 at 2:41pm
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DH's suggestion (who is a cop) is get a custody agreement in place because at the moment he can legaly come over and take Sam back to aussie purely because there is not custody agreement. You will have to prove why there should not be shared custody...is he a danger to Sam? It is quite difficult to get a protection order...you need to justify why there should be a protection order ie has he been abusive in the jpast to either yourself or Sam? In a shared custody arrangement you can get some sort of thing stating that the child cannot leave the country without both parents consent....Having said all this check with a lawyer that specialises in relationship breakups or with the family court.
After all of that congrats on your pregnancy and go ahead and move to Auckland to be a family with your new DP and do not feel guilty. ------------- http://lilypie.com"> 
http://lilypie.com"> 
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Posted By: mylilmosaic
Date Posted: 29 March 2009 at 3:18pm
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Firstly congratulations to you on your pregnancy If I was in your situation I would move to Akl without telling the ex and inform him after its a done deal. The sheer fact that he is in Aussie is going to make it hard for him to interfere. And as Mel said I would lengthen out the time in between giving him info about Sam.
Also I didn't think he could legally take Sam out of the country unless he has a passport for Sam. And to have a passport for Sam I would have thought that requires both parents signatures, so it is impossible for him to get Sam a passport without your consent. ------------- http://lilypie.com"> 
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Posted By: .Mel
Date Posted: 29 March 2009 at 4:42pm
No you only need one signature, so yes he could apply for a passport for Sam. He would of course need passport photos to get the process done. ------------- Mr Mellow (16) Miss Attitude (8) Destructa Kid (3)
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appy2 wrote:Posted By: mylilmosaic
Date Posted: 29 March 2009 at 4:51pm
Wow thanks Mel & McPloppy you are absolutely right and that just blows me away.  ------------- http://lilypie.com">
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Posted By: pepsi
Date Posted: 30 March 2009 at 1:20pm
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Congrats on your new pregnancy...so sorry to hear you're having these troubles with your ex. He sounds like a nasty piece of work, and tbh a bit scary. I don't want to freak you out at all, but I mean, it almost sounds like the start to the sort of story you read on the news which ends in the ex attacking the other and really hurting them in a rage!
I think it has all been said regarding what you need to do legally. I hope it all goes smoothly and you can move on. He will obviously always be in your life as Sam's father, but doesn't mean he should be able to dictate how you live your life now. Good luck. |