I was in nearly the exact situation when my daughter was born.  MIL and I have always got along brilliantly and she is a very kind and generous lady.  She does have several daughters and grandaughters but my DD is the youngest grandchild by 8 yrs (most of the others are grown up now) and also my DH is MILs youngest (of 8) and his late fathers namesake.

  I had to put my foot down on some issues but because I also needed DH to back me up I really had to pick my battles.  It's useful to analyse your own reaction to things, how would you feel if it was your mother doing it?  If you and DH feel strongly about not picking up DD everytime she grizzles then ask MIL not to. 

There's no need to be nasty or harsh or feel guilty for telling her.  MIL needs to respect your right as parents to make the parenting decisions.  What would be much worse is stewing on these issues and resenting MIL, thereby ruining your great relationship.

In regards to spoiling your DD, just cross that bridge when you come to it.  There's no point worrying about it now (although my suggestion is that when DD is the right age to be spoiled with treats and chippies don't invite MIL to move in with you, it just makes it harder - this is the voice of experience talking).

My dad's favourite line is "stick with me kid and it's coke and chippies from now onwards"  DD was 16 hrs old the first time he said it to her.

tori13 wrote: Yeah i shouldn't stew and i will try very hard not to try and predict what she is going to do next.:)

I still need to remind myself not to do this.  Although quite often when I have been predicting what she'll do (or has done) it turns out I'm right.  Living with her for the past year I've learnt to stand up to my MIL without feeling guilty or disrespectful for doing so iykwim.

Argh I hate it when people start these posts coz I'll highjack and go on and on and on and on and on. 

I understand completely. You are not overreating. Your baby is YOUR BABY. You did the deed,  carried her for that painstaking 9 months, you gave birth to her not you MIL. So it's you and DP who get to decide what you do with her. And I know these mother people seem to know all this nonsense about when they had there babies they did his and this and this (and gave them ice cream and easter eggs at 9 months old) but times have changed.

My MIL she drives me insane. I've slowly in the last 3 months or so been very good with what she has to say and just take on board what I need and discard what I don't.

She went through a stage of picking him up everytime he made  a noise. Even if he was rolling over in his sleep. But not really any more. I thiink the novelty of that wore off quickly esp when he was really crying and she couldn't stop him coz he wanted his MUM.

Just take it as it comes. get DP to put his foot down or maybe you need to just tell her where she stands, in the nicest possible way that could stand.

Sometimes I think all she did was bring up my DH and she's done it all wonderfully he's is a good dad. But now she need to just step back.

lol rachel25 - In my case if he's crying, everyone says he's either hungry or DH's excuse is he's teething. 

My mum is starting to get on my wick too. She's had 5 (whereas MIL has had 1 but adopted 2) so she KNOWS.
MIL taught DS to climb the stairs in the weekend. NOT COOL.

Saffron wrote: I love my MIL I even accidentily called her mum the other day She is a kind and wonderful women who drives me absolutely crazy! Before Dominic was born she was constantly talking about how they will be able to take the baby all the time, it made me feel so possesive I just felt like my baby was going to be whisked away from me. And she is always giving werid advice. I can't even remember the amount of times that she suggested I give Dom a raw egg in his bottle, he was exclusively bf . When I didn't she started talking constantly about givng him milo in his bottle, he was still bf.

That sounds just like my MIL. 

When I was still pregnant with M she started going on about me going back to work and she'd care for our baby.  There was no way I was letting that happen so I came up with valid reasons that DH would agree with (it's not fair on your mum at her age etc).  This time around she's already brought it up (me going back to work and her taking care of both kids) I said no straight away and she's only mentioned it once since and that was in an apologetic tone so I suspect DH said something to her privately.

She also has some very weird ideas.  The one that really grossed me out was she wanted to spit in my daughters hair to make it curly.  She still tells people that the reason M's hair isn't curly is because I wouldn't let her spit in it - I recently pointed out that if spitting in someone's hair would make it curly forever then no one would bother getting perms but she believes what she believes.  DH and I used to fight about that all the time (he didn't see why I had an issue with it, sometimes when it comes to his mum he turns stupid) it came to a point when we couldn't even discuss it without arguing so I googled for information about bacteria in the mouth and in spittle and emailed it through to him.  That quickly put an end to that argument because when push comes to shove he loves M most of all.

I've found it's really important to get DHs buy-in when I confront his mum on issues because otherwise she'll just do what she wants behind my back anyway.  When DH and I present a united front she can't argue with us.  But the most important tip that my mum ever gave me is never ever complain about your MIL to your DH.  He loves you both and will defend whichever one he thinks is being attacked, if she is always the one attacking he will always defend you to her.  You need to be smart about the way you approach any issues you have with MIL and most importantly don't get nasty.

For those whose parents and in-laws seem to want to abduct their children trust me, you have nothing to worry about.  I am working mum and have been since M was 5mo, MIL moved in with us (into a granny flat on our property) when M was 2yo and within a few months she started looking after her a couple of hours every afternoon.  She also pops up during the mornings and on the weekends.  She spoils her and lets her watch way too much tv so if any of those things mattered you'd think she'd be Ms favourite by far and yet this afternoon when M was upset she rang me at work because speaking to mummy briefly on the phone still beats Nana comforting her in person anyday.  She is a total mummy's girl!

This is probably not the same as MIL's but how do you ladies get on with your SIL's.

I ask this as my brother is now in a new relationship with a lovely woman who I get on really well with, she has a 5 year old daughter from a previous relationship, and my brother has two girls (who I consider my nieces). I still talk to his ex-wife as she's the mother of his kids.

My Dad and his wife are really good in including all the kids.

My brother lives in Oz so I don't get to see them much, and our relationship has never been all that great, but he does get on with DH.

At times I'm not sure where in the scheme of things I fit, I'm conscious of only giving my opinion when offered it.  I've also seen enough mum's commenting about the treatment of their previous children to make sure everyone is included.

How do blended families do it?

Through my father re-marrying I've gained a step brother and step sister, Step-brother is ok, reminds me of myself in my 20's, step-sister is married to a pastor in their local baptist church and can be a bit preachy (aren't they always). She's got a 7 month old son. 

They're both a lot younger than me, and don't really consider them brother and sister, acquiring younger siblings at 35 is very weird.

caitlynsmygirl wrote: I have to say , sometimes, sometimes grandparents are great .

Please don't get me wrong.  My MIL is great (as are my own parents).  Michaela adores her and would be devastated if she ever moves out.  She does my washing everyday and looks after Michaela every afternoon plus providing last minute babysitting services whenever we need them (which isn't very often but it sure is handy).

SMoody you did remind me though that I heard several times recently about the baby she lost at 6 months preg.  She said the cord kept falling out I'm not sure what the medical term for that is.  It is very sad and I understand that not being able to talk about it at the time (back in the 70s) probably means it's still quite raw but tbh at 6 months pregnant it was the last thing I wanted to hear about and I had to refrain myself from googling it for fear of scaring myself too much.

caitlynsmygirl wrote: oh sorry , Jo , i didn't mean it to sound like I was saying noone should criticise their MILs or anything, just that I was starting to feel a bit guilty myself for thinking that grandparents were a pain , had to remind myself that they aren't all bad

No worries, I'm just feeling guilty for venting so thought I better add that disclaimer

I'm pleased to hear you're feeling better about things Tori. 

You're right it is really important to vent when there are issues and as I mentioned earlier just as important is that you don't vent to DH as it's not fair on him being drawn into issues between 2 women he loves.  Bluntly put based on mortality rates you're bound to be around longer than MIL anyway so when she really gets on your nerves remember you're younger and healthier.

well my MIL relationship has (after 6 years) come to a tolorable place.

She never acknowledged mine & DH's engagement, didnt show any interest in Mr T until he was 6 months old, has only started offering to look after the boys since all the other grandchildren (apart from 2 boys) have now gone to oz. She too has told me that she will look after the boys for 3 days a week while I go back to work but we have said no - I do get a little annoyed as she does lie to us and says that she hasnt given the older one lollies (when there are lollies at the bottom of the carseat it is a dead give away) and the other day she tried taking Mr T off me when he had banged his head on the table but I said i am his mother he needs me but if you have an icepack that would be helpful. Luckily DH is supportive and on my side they (her children) know what a fruit loop she can be. Shes also said some nasty things about my mothering but I dont have a problem telling her to back off and one time stopped taking Mr T too see her cause of it and told her why - she seems to be getting better. My own mother on the other hand is quite the opposite - wont come up and visit - when i was having a hard time with R with his reflux and asked her to come and stay to help (she doesnt work) she told me no that paul was there to help me I dont need her !!??? told her that nana used to help her all the time with us kids to which she said thats cause she was a single mum. She didnt even come and see R when he was newborn and when she left R's baby shower I said to her I look forward to seeing her when R was born (it was in dec) she said no I will come up next year some time! makes me mad as she used to harp on at me to have kids as she wants grandchildren! Now my brother has had his first kid (and he lives in the same town as her as she moved to be near him as she felt he needed her) go figure!

best of luck trying to sort it out!