Grief and pregnancy.
Printed From: OHbaby!
Category: Pregnant
Forum Name: Pregnancy
Forum Description: Pregnant! Wanting to chat to other mums-to-be (or dads-to-be)? Share your thoughts, experiences, and ideas... This is that place!
URL: https://www.ohbaby.co.nz/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=26161
Printed Date: 27 August 2025 at 1:30pm
Software Version: Web Wiz Forums 12.05 - http://www.webwizforums.com
Topic: Grief and pregnancy.
Posted By: LadyLizard
Subject: Grief and pregnancy.
Date Posted: 26 April 2009 at 7:21pm
I lost my dad last week.  He was diagnosed with cancer four months ago.
The midwife assures me that stress and grief/sadness won't hurt the baby, but last week sorting out the funeral and dealing with various family dramas really stressed me out, and I have never felt that kind of anxiety before, as well as being devastated that my dad won't be around to meet our baby. Also not sleeping so well- although that has been improving over the last few nights. I have heard of people who have lost loved ones during their pregnancy and who had perfectly healthy happy babies, has anyone else experienced stressful events during pregnancy and gone on to have a healthy baby? ------------- http://www.alterna-tickers.com"> 
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Replies:
Posted By: Lexidore
Date Posted: 26 April 2009 at 7:36pm
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Didnt want to read and run, so just want to say im so sorry for your loss and i hope things get easier on you. ------------- 
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Posted By: blondy
Date Posted: 26 April 2009 at 7:41pm
Big hugs to you, it must be such a hard time for you  . My parents passed away before I was pregnant, so I didn't go through that trauma, but I did sort, pack/throw away their entire house contents (think packrat parents), and then sell the house while pregnant....and went on to have a 9-day overdue very healthy baby. I know that isn't even on the scale with losing your Dad, but I didn't want to read and run.
I also wanted to say that while it is harder to become a parent when you have lost one or both of your own, you will get through it. I also like to think that our loved ones that have passed away are keeping an eye on us, and hopefully you will also get to see some of your Dad come through in your baby. -------------  
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Posted By: LadyLizard
Date Posted: 26 April 2009 at 8:02pm
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Thanks ladies. I know there isn't much people can say to make it better, but its always nice to have support in any way shape or form!
My husband has been a wonderful support person, and I have seen a counsellor- she is happy with how I am dealing with the grief etc- but I still have to go through to processes to get out the other side, and thats the stressful part. I think I am actually through the worst of the stress- now that he is dead and the funeral is over its almost a bit of a relief, because the last stages of the cancer were pretty horrible. I like the idea that my dad might show up again in our child- or maybe not, my dad was a bit of a handful! ------------- http://www.alterna-tickers.com">
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Posted By: fire_engine
Date Posted: 26 April 2009 at 8:05pm
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Aw, I really feel for you. My mum died before I got pregnant and I know it was hard enough going through the "it would be nice to have her round". I can't imagine what you've been through. The journey after loss is hard and it's long. It's not always hard - there will be good times - treasure them! There is an article in Little Treasures (the current edition) on losing your mother during pregnancy. Not quite the same, but similar. Don't know if it might be helpful?
Edited to remove my contradictions  ------------- Mum to two wee boys |
Posted By: LadyLizard
Date Posted: 26 April 2009 at 8:07pm
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Thanks Flissty, I will check it out, it should still have some good tips.
In some way, our baby is whats keeping us all going, especially my mum. She is devastated that she has lost dad, but she is so excited about being a grandmother, so thats one good thing for all of us. ------------- http://www.alterna-tickers.com">
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Posted By: BaAsKa
Date Posted: 26 April 2009 at 8:12pm
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im so sorry for your loss hun!.
I firmly believe in things like your dad may either come back in your bubs or will be looking over/after bubs! 
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Posted By: LadyLizard
Date Posted: 26 April 2009 at 8:20pm
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Well it is kind of spooky that ten years ago, he took out a term deposit in my name that matures around the time I am going to go on maternity leave.
So in that respect he will be looking out for our baby as we will still have a good income while I am off, which is a relief as our mortgage won't pay itself! ------------- http://www.alterna-tickers.com">
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Posted By: BusyMum2three
Date Posted: 26 April 2009 at 8:45pm
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I dont have any advice to offer as the other ladies here have had some great advice already...but I just wanted to say I am very sorry for the loss of your precious Dad. I wish you strength in the weeks ahead...
xx |
Posted By: Mama2two
Date Posted: 26 April 2009 at 9:03pm
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I'm really sorry to hear about the death of your Dad. I haven't been through anything like this while pregnant, but did lose my Mum a few years back and do know the feeling of loss you can have, especially while going through important events where they would be very involved if they were still here.
I just wanted to give you a big , and say that I'm 100% sure that my Mum is popping in to check on my DD from time to time and I'm sure your Dad will do the same for your little one ------------- http://lilypie.com"> 
http://lilypie.com"> 
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Posted By: caitlynsmygirl
Date Posted: 26 April 2009 at 9:15pm
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I couldn't read and run either, I haven't lost either parent , nor anyone while Ive been pregnant , but I just wanted to say how sorry I am for your loss ------------- 
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Posted By: Genie
Date Posted: 26 April 2009 at 10:01pm
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I'm really sorry for your loss..haven't lost either parent myself, but I'm sure your baby will be fine and your dad will be watching over you all. Take care. ------------- 
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Posted By: hailstones
Date Posted: 26 April 2009 at 10:12pm
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Lady Lizard - am so sorry to hear about your loss. Its not easy to comes to terms with a loss of someone so close when your not pregnant, let alone when you are.
My FIL passed away suddenly when I was pregnant with our daughter, it was really sad especially thinking he wouldn't be around to see our child and that our baby will miss out on meeting its grandfather. My very wise friend told me something very special, and I think about it still all the time......our baby is one of the lucky few that got to meet its grandfather before she was born and he would help guide her into the world. It did help me see some brightness in a bad situation. Oh and our daughter - was born very healthy - she wasn't keen to come out though, maybe she was having a few extra days with her grandfather ------------- http://lilypie.com">  http://lilypie.com">
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Posted By: monikah
Date Posted: 27 April 2009 at 10:11am
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im real sorry for what you are going through and thought id briefly fill you in on our family situation as it was similar. this is more about my sister than me but will hopefully still help.
mum got diagnosed with cancer within a couple of months of her mother dying of it. they found it too late so when they went into operate they closed her back up again and said she would have 4-8 weeks left because it was such a viscious form of cancer. we were a reall really close family so this was devistating to us, my mum was 19 when she had my sis but 30 when she had me so those two were like best friends cos mum refused to grow up and she was was more fun than motherly. anyway she ended up living for 9 months total in which time my sister had her baby. we have a few photos of mum and bubs together but she was in the hospice at this stage and a bit to spaced to realise but she held on long enough to see the baby which was a huge effort. anyway her sisters pretty much stole mum away from us when she was sick, they moved her in with them to look after her which is what mum wanted but then totally shut us out. when we called to see how she was we got told she was asleep and couldnt come over and they made our lives really really difficult. when mum finally died they said all this really horrible stuff about how we never came to visit and didnt care about mum at all blah blah blah. my sister coped really badly right through her pregnancy and still struggles because her and mum were so close but her youngest is 2 now and absolutley fine and we were both really put through the wringer. mum only met my DH once and she was quite spaced then as well. we had only been together 3 months at the time but knew we would get married so really wanted mum to meet him while she could. she died before the engagement was official and the wedding plans started so she never knew i got married and am now having a baby which i really struggle with but i know she'll be watching somehow so i just try and deal with it as best i can and make sure my babies will know who there nana was a what a kick arse mum she was to us. i didnt mean to write such a long post but i just wanted to reassure you that no matter what you go through and how hard it is bubs is pretty resilient and will be absolutely fine, and as much as its hard to move on in your life when someone so imprtant is missing they are still always there somehow ------------- 
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Posted By: fattartsrock
Date Posted: 27 April 2009 at 2:15pm
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Hugs to you. I lost my dad when I was about 30 weeks pregnant with #2, the day before christmas eve, so that made an already stressful time even more so. Torn between "brave facing" it for the rest of the family and christmas and losing it completely was hard. we couldn't have his funeral until after the public hols etc, so he had been dead almost a week before we could "do anything".
I knew it was the point of no return for him (although he was diagnosed with cancer and as non operable when I was pregnant with #1) about half way through this pregnancy and there was all kinds of family dramas surrounding it and money (lack of) etc. It was an EXTREMELY stressfull pregnancy and I ended up being diagnosed with antenatal drepression and going on anti d's which helped a bit. Didn't take away the problems, but helped me deal with them better. Anyway. long story short, Charlotte was born perfectly normal and healthy and no signs of the awfully stressful pregnancy I had with her. Hugs to you, it;s hard losing a parent. xxx ------------- The Honest Un PC Parent of 2, usually stuck in the naughty corner! :P |
Posted By: littlestar
Date Posted: 27 April 2009 at 3:56pm
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Hugs I am so sorry for whats happened.
There is nothing I can say that will make you feel even a tiny bit better during this awful time. I'm sure bubs is totally fine - but make sure you take time to look after yourself as well. ------------- http://lilypie.com"> 
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Posted By: Emmecat
Date Posted: 27 April 2009 at 4:02pm
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I'm so sorry for your loss. Within a week of finding out we were pg, both my grandfather and my partners brother died (who was also the bio dad of our foster son). The strain has been taken mainly by my relationship with DP, which has been really quite hard and upsetting for both of us...but we love each other and we are still here. I'm very aware I may well now be a more likely candidate for PND though,due to such incrediable stress, so have been actively seeking help from outside resources in case that does eventuate. I wish you all the best and don't be afraid to reach out for help from family, friends and other agencies. And don't feel guilty if you don't connect with your bump either...it'll happen in time when you have taken careof your own needs first IYKWIM?
-------------   http://lilypie.com" rel="nofollow"> 
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Posted By: Bexee
Date Posted: 27 April 2009 at 7:12pm
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I can't really give any advice on the pregnancy side of things, but just wanted to say my thoughts are with you. I lost my dad two years ago and I know how horrible it is. The only thing I would say is to grieve etc. Bottling up your feelings trying to be strong will only mean a meltdown later, and that's not going to be good. Take each day as it comes and make time for yourself. And put yourself and your baby first. If that means having to stay home from work longer or just chilling out then do so. I'm sure your dad would want you to be looking out for you and that bubs!
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Posted By: LadyLizard
Date Posted: 28 April 2009 at 6:47am
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Thank you so much everyone for the kind and heartfelt responses.
I am taking things one day at a time- and trying to do best for my baby. In one respect, thats a good thing, because I can't drown my sorrows, which could end up being a bit of a problem... ------------- http://www.alterna-tickers.com">
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