Adoption or Guardianship?!
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Forum Name: General Chat
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URL: https://www.ohbaby.co.nz/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=26363
Printed Date: 06 May 2025 at 11:32pm
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Topic: Adoption or Guardianship?!
Posted By: Babe
Subject: Adoption or Guardianship?!
Date Posted: 06 May 2009 at 1:41pm
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DP really wants to adopt Jake at the end of the year after we marry.
Jakes bio dad is totally not interested in being a father and only pays child support to keep the courts off his back. He never sees Jake unless we run into each other at mum and dads and while he cares about him hes just too caught up in his own life. DP on the other hand provides for Jake financially, emotionally and physically. He kisses him goodnight, reads him stories, takes him to the park and tells him off. They do yardwork together and cuddle on the couch to watch cartoons. Jakes only known DP as his dad and as far as DP is concerned Jake is his firstborn child. I've been making enquiries about the whole adoption process and so far we've been told kindly but firmly that the courts don't look favourably on step-parent adoptions as it takes away the biological rights of the child. Seriously?!! My dad adopted me when he married his mum and I'm so proud to be his kid. Jakes paternal gparents don't acknowledge him to the point that when they were in the country last year they refused to meet him and they tell the ex that they don't understand why he acknowledges Jake as his either. At this point our best option is to have DP added as a guardian but even though we all want it the courts don't consider removing the bio father as a guardian so legally DP won't be able to be Jakes dad. Am I taking this too personally?? I want our family to be a unit in every sense of the word and I'm actually crying ATM with my perception of the unfairness of the situation! His bio father DOESN'T want to be a dad so why can't the courts respect how we as parents feel?!! I'm so worried that Jakes gonna grow up feeling like the father that conceived him doesn't want him enough to be a dad but the father thats loved him from birth isn't committed to him enough to adopt him!  I feel like I've created this stupid situation and my beautiful, gorgeous, funny, adorable child is gonna have to reap consequences that he doesn't deserve!
Am I over-reacting??? -------------   
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Replies:
Posted By: surfergirl
Date Posted: 06 May 2009 at 1:57pm
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I'm no help sorry, but I hate to see you cry, so wanted to give a big hug!! |
Posted By: Bobbie
Date Posted: 06 May 2009 at 1:58pm
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Can you go ahead with the adoption process anyway? Maybe you could get a letter from Jake's biological dad endorsing it. I'm sure that would help.
It's worth a shot anyway I reckon. -------------  
 
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Posted By: Peanut
Date Posted: 06 May 2009 at 2:16pm
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I think you can still pursue the adoption route but the bio father has to sign the adoption papers. I think you would have to be pretty confident that he would sign the papers as imagine it could get pretty expensive with lawyers fees etc.
Not entirely sure but a good friend of mine went down this track only the bio father refused to sign in the end even though he pays little or no money and has seen then 2 since the twins were born and they are now 9! Good Luck but I wouldn't give up on it as an option if its what you all want! Just re read your post - unsure who you made your enquires with but does it have to be heard by the court? Can you not do a private adoption? -------------  
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Posted By: Babe
Date Posted: 06 May 2009 at 2:19pm
Ex is totally happy for DP to adopt Jake, even he refers to DP as Daddy when talking to Jake but the courts and adoption specialists have said that all three of us wanting it doesn't mean much at all. They have to have a really good reason from us for it and just wanting us to be a family unit isn't enough, neither is the fact that Ex doesn't want to be a father. They say hes made his bed now hes got to sleep in it. I don't think thats fair AT ALL! Jake should feel like he belongs to the people who love him most in the whole world and that me and DP, he shouldn't be stuck with a legal father figure who doesn't want him simply because the courts decide that he can't 'shirk responsibility'  Now I'm just mad!
*sigh* I've just got off the phone to the adoption specialist so I'm still feeling really upset sorry. I also know DP is gonna be so gutted that thats what the courts stand is at this point. He'll probably be with you though Bobbie and want to go for it anyway. He wants Jake to legally be his child and he'll want to do the adoption process whatever the odds and cost I would imagine. I'm just feeling really hurt and upset by the whole thing and wanted to talk to y'all about it. Thanks for the hugs surfergirl its just what I needed! I really feel like I've let Jake down and quite possibly created future emotional baggage for him. I think I'm probably being abit over-emotional about the whole thing ae. Breathe Bridie BREATHE.... -------------
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Posted By: freckle
Date Posted: 06 May 2009 at 2:24pm
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Man that's a tough situation! I have a friend in the same situation (although ex lives overseas so dunno if that makes a difference)... She has to get him to first sign away his rights, and then her and her DH adopt her child... So even though she is the biological mum she will legally be seen as the adoptive mum!!! which is madness I reckon and it's what's putting her off going through the whole process...
It sounds like your DP is an awesome dad to Jake and it's a real shame the process isn't easier... but I'm sure no matter what you decide your wee boy will feel very loved and wanted by you both!!! ------------- mum to 3 lovely girls :D |
Posted By: Babe
Date Posted: 06 May 2009 at 2:24pm
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Hi Peanut sorry was posting while you were. Uhm have spoken to CYFS adoption unit, 5 lawyers and the courts and haven't been given the option of a private adoption. Ex will def sign the papers - he hates paying child support. I've been told the courts have to decide whether its worth the effort then we get investigated and have to do police checks, medical checks, etc and if that comes back ok we get an interim adoption order for 6 months then they check again and the adoption goes through properly.
They seem to have issue with taking away a childs heritage without their consent  how PC and idiotic is that?! I'd rather have two wonderful parents that want the best for me than have a name and a parental figure who wants nothing to do with me. Stupid $(P*&^#(^#)(&^#)*^#_(*^&#*&!!!!!
ETA Yeah Freckle I'd have to adopt Jake too. Seems like needless hoops as far as I'm concerned *sigh* -------------
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Posted By: palomino
Date Posted: 06 May 2009 at 2:28pm
| i dont know how the system works, but just thought id say that you havent let Jake down, you are doing an amazing thing for him. |
Posted By: Babe
Date Posted: 06 May 2009 at 2:47pm
Thanks HUNTD I appreciate the vote of confidence  I feel way better for sharing with y'all! I like having my very own, rather large community of friends to talk to without even having to get dressed  -------------
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Posted By: BugTeeny
Date Posted: 06 May 2009 at 3:20pm
What other reasons could they deem acceptable?!?? To me, it's a no-brainer!! *eta: In an age where there are far too many kids in CYFS care you'd think that families like yours would be celebrated and acknowledged! I just wanted to wish you luck ------------- 
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Babe wrote:Posted By: Babe
Date Posted: 06 May 2009 at 3:26pm
Yeah I'd think itd be pretty basic but apparently not. Its a bit freaky how out of our control some pretty basic situations are these days though. In NZ we as parents are apparently just caregivers. Legally our children are state property  I was horrified when I found that out! It means that instead of us deciding that this was what was best for all of us and going from there, the court has the say.-------------
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Posted By: DaisyAngel
Date Posted: 06 May 2009 at 3:32pm
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Im a step child, and my step dad has been my "Dad" since I was 3 - my bio dad i would see about twice a year (birthday & xmas - but my mum always arranged for him to come over, never seemed to be of his own doing), and he was never really interested in me - didn't know what to do with a kid. My step dad never formally adopted me but I never felt like I didn't belong in our family unit, never even crossed my mind that he didn't care enough about me or anything like that to not adopt me, all I knew/felt was that he was my Dad, and my family was mum, dad & brother & sister (step). All in all its how the child feels that is the main thing, so Jake sees your DP as being his dad and that will never change, even if the courts don't let the adoption go through (but I hope for you it does IMHO - In the end it is just a piece of paper, doesn't really mean anything; just like a marriage certificate is just a piece of paper, it doesn't really mean anything either - marriage doesn't change your relationship with your partner, doesn't make you anymore committed to your partner than you were before you signed the certificate etc etc - its just a piece of paper for legal purposes ------------- 
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Posted By: BaAsKa
Date Posted: 06 May 2009 at 4:10pm
huge hugs Bridie!! your DP sounds so awsome!!!!! 
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Posted By: Babe
Date Posted: 06 May 2009 at 4:38pm
LOL Thanks Amber hes an absolute gem and a total babe 
They currently playing peekaboo in the shower  awww so cute!! Lol well actually JAKES playing peekaboo and DP is flicking water in his face which Jake thinks is hilarious still adorable though!
Angelina you're right its definitely how the child feels when it comes down to it. The adoption wouldn't be the make or break of our family but I guess for me I was adopted by my dad and the solidarity is great. It never was an issue for me having a bio parent out there and I always assumed it was because I knew I belonged even if it was by a different route than my lil bro & sister. Maybe it would be different for Jake but I still would like it formalised and so would DP. Theres also the issue of his bio dad having a domestic violence record and both threatening to and attempting to kidnap Jake after I left him. I want to remove any control he has completely just incase he DOES change his mind in the future and try causing trouble (that being said I don't think he will but its still a little cloud on my hoizon....). I've posted this in another thread but this is the poem my dad wrote for me when he adopted me. He put in the births column in the local paper and its exactly how DP feels: Not blood of my blood Nor bone of my bone But still miraculously my own Now don't you forget it No not for a minute You weren't born under my heart but in it! -------------
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Posted By: DaisyAngel
Date Posted: 06 May 2009 at 5:24pm
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I read that poem when you posted it in the other thread - it is such a lovely poem oh wow that is scary!! (the domestic violence, and the attempt to kidnap) you poor thing!! no wonder you are so concerned with getting it all legalised!! Fingers crossed (& as my mum would say "nose hairs crossed !" btw i love your handy tips thread & your new blog website with the tips
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too) that the courts let you do it! Posted By: Cassie
Date Posted: 06 May 2009 at 5:36pm
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Aw that's a gorgeous poem, and exactly how I feel about my oldest. I met her when she was 6 months old, her and DH moved in with me six months later and I've been a full time mum since then.
We know without a doubt that they'd never let me adopt her, but hopefully at some point we'll be able to get the guardianship done. We have often debated about the guardianship thing (as we know that the father of Ivy's half sister had to go through the courts to get that for his mother to be guardian for the half sister and it was a big drama), and while part of me hates that I have no rights at all where Ivy is concerned, the reality is that I'm her Mum, and she's always going to know that. When we got married last year we had a part in the ceremony for Ivy, we gave her a necklace as a symbol of her place in our family and our hearts just as our way of uniting our family. I hope that they let you go through with the adoption, it's ridiculous that they won't just let you go ahead and do it if everyone is happy about it. At the very least at least you'll be able to get guardianship. Good luck! ------------- ~Cassie~   
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Posted By: Bobbie
Date Posted: 06 May 2009 at 7:02pm
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Just wanted to say that you definitely haven't let Jake down in any way. You've found him a lovely Daddy and a lovely home life. The fact that you're so upset right now shows how much you love him.
I think you're a -------------
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Posted By: Babe
Date Posted: 07 May 2009 at 7:16pm
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Hey thanks for all the support guys. I've talked to DP about it and we're gonna first add him as a guradian as its quick and easy then go from there. If we cancel Ex's child suppport then he should be fine with us changing Jakes surname to DPs. I think thats a good start
Note: Child support for those who don't know is assessed by IRD based on Ex's income. If I was on the DPB I wouldn't have a say about it however as DP is working we can tell IRD that we're organising private child support payments. This means that we can either agree on a set amount or disregard it altogether. -------------
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Posted By: JD
Date Posted: 07 May 2009 at 8:51pm
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Sounds like a lot of legal mumbo jumbo babe! I have a freind whose dh adopted her boy...she hasn't mentioned any problems with the process, but then I haven't probed her on it either.
I think so long as your dp has guardianship so he can make medical and legal decisions for jake if you are unable, then the rest is just a bit of paper. Perhaps you could have a bit of a 'ceremony' at home with friends and family (or not) and have a adoption and name changing ceremony. Your dp could make a pledge in front of people to be his dad (not that he isn't already)....buy, you know what I mean. good luck with whatever the outcome. Sounds like you are a great tight-nit family regardless! ------------- http://lilypie.com"> 
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Posted By: AandCsmum
Date Posted: 07 May 2009 at 9:05pm
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Hugs Hun!I missed this yesterday. How freaking stink on behalf of the powers that be! ------------- Kel http://lilypie.com"> 
A = 01.02.04 & C = 16.01.09 & G = 30.03.12 |
Posted By: busymum
Date Posted: 07 May 2009 at 9:23pm
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With adoption, the bio dad has to sign off his rights to the child with his own lawyer (and if he agrees to sign away, you would be expected to pay that bill) and basically it is that lawyer's job to convince the bio dad not to do it because he may regret the decision in the future.
It's an official thing Bridie so go for the adtl guardianship (it's by far easier anyway) because that covers everything you're wanting except for excluding the ex's rights over Jake. It is unheard of to remove someone's guardianship rights over their kid but parenting orders can restrict their contact (sometimes completely) and that's where your assurance can lie if you are still worried about the kidnapping.... but I think you probably already know that. ------------- |
Posted By: Babe
Date Posted: 08 May 2009 at 7:01am
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Hey T yep I know the parenting order means legally I have the most say over Jake. My main concern is that he would still have rights. That makes me nervous considering his mental unstability. I'd really like him to be out of Js life completely with absolutely no say over anything at all. I really don't want him turning around in 5 years and demanding access to a child that has relationship with him at all OR worse than that demanding to be able to take him overseas to visit his family! We'd have to take him back to court and since hes been well-behaved in regards to us lately would we have enough sway at court to stop that? TBH I find the whole thing slightly confusing and its really difficult to get a clear answer and straightforward information from people involved in the legal system. The fact that I'm not 100% sure where we stand is causing quite abit of anxiety. I don't want to leave my butt uncovered coz I haven't got a clear picture of things and have it bitten IYKWIM!
I think I over-reacted abit coz I finally got an answer that I understood from the adoption specialist and it wasn't the one I expected or wanted. I know you know a fair bit about this stuff - have you had much to do with step-parent adoptions? Have you seen many situations where its been done?? I don't care about the fees if its at all possible to have this done. It'll remove any confusion or future issues and if anything happened to me I'd know that Jake would be with the family and dad he grew up with and there wouldn't be any dramas! -------------
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Posted By: sweetpea
Date Posted: 08 May 2009 at 1:07pm
| oh luv big hugs to you. My advice would be to go down the guardianship line first then decide what your next move is. be assured you are not scaring Jake for life. |